Am I Really Partner Material?

Well, the sugars appear to have finally stabilized somewhat. This morning when I awoke we were at 78. Perhaps I have turned a corner. I still feel a bit odd. It just can’t be described. Maybe those of you who have diabetes can relate to this, but I just feel out of sorts and I can’t seem to pinpoint just what the problem is.

I hope how soon this passes.

I don’t like feeling the way that I do.

It’s amazing how my mood has been affected by all this. I have been so “down” on myself. I’ve even felt a bit angry…which, if you knew me, would know how simply bizarre this all is. It’s just out of character for me. I’m not one to be angry and have always been on the gentle side. But the past few days, WHEW. At night as I drift off to sleep I ask myself, “Where did all THAT come from?”

Don’t y’all begin to worry. I’m watching all this and if I reach a point where I think I need to do something about all this, I’m not bashful at seeking help.

I’ve learned that with diabetes, the moods shift. The attitudes change. It’s all a matter of being patient and being good to myself and realizing that this is just how it is. At least physically I have more energy than before.

At times like this, I wonder if really I am partner material.

Oh, on the good days, I know that I’m quite the catch. I’m loving…and kind…..and funloving. I’m gregarious, thoughtful, and smart.

But, on the bad days….I can be a bear. It would take an awfully special man to live with me and to put up with all that.

So, this is something else to think about.

Am I really the kind of guy that truly wants someone 24/7?

I wonder how my bearish days would really be if I had someone around?

Do you suppose that if I had a loving gentleman in my life who could walk up to me and put his arms around me and say, “I know you’re going through it at the moment…but I’m here for you!” that I would not feel so bearish?

If someone were to treat me as “first” in his life and not as leftovers, to love me unconditionally, and I felt safe, would I get cranky?

Do you suppose I begin to feel like I’m feeling now, because it’s just me and the dog?

Before things began to go downhill in my marriage, I don’t remember having this roller coaster of moods. It was as if Lovey, just by being there, helped to even things out somewhat. My only regret is that I was in the role of a leftover with her. I was an afterthought…everything and everyone else came first. I seemed to show up in her list of priorities generally dead last:

…..after her ministry.

…..after her church work.

…..after her countless telephone calls.

…..after her colleagues.

…..after her degree.

…..after her job.

…..after her parents.

…..after her sisters.

The kids and I were forced to encourage each other….and we became each other’s number one fans.

Gosh, I don’t know what I would do, or how I would behave if another man fell for me and put me first for a change. Even thinking about it makes the tears surface.

I’m not a selfish person. So, I don’t want you to think that if some Prince Charming came into my life and did all this that I would just sit there. I wouldn’t. I’d give just as much as I was given.

It’s always been my nature to love unconditionally….to honor….to trust….to care….and to put my mate number one in my list of priorities. I did this with Lovey in spite of everything.

I’ve got a lot of pent-up emotions that I want to experience before I leave the planet.

Now, if only the Prince would do his part!

Hmmmm….somehow just putting all these feelings down have made my mood change and I feel my spirits rising.

Am I screwed up or what?