I know that I have a lot of female readers.
So, in all humility, I'd like to ask them to please comment on this post.
Before I write it out I want to be sure to say that this is me writing...and I mean no harm. I'm just a formerly married gay guy that is having some difficulty here...and some of your all's insight would be very helpful.
It is no secret that I have lots of male friends who are closeted gays. They live, like I did, in their own private hell. Eeeking along from day-to-day. Hoping that no one will find out....no one will ever know.
However, I have noticed them do some things that really drive me over the edge at times...that I just don't understand.
They complain about their lives. They want so badly to be able to have a steady lover....to live the gay life....to be themselves....but in the same breath, they voice a horrible fear of their wives.
The fear that their wives will find out.
I suppose they feel that western civilization, as it is now known, will cease permanently.
Okay...I understand that fear....
But at the meeting I attended in Rhode Island, a number of the married guys voiced the fear of returning home. They've had an outstanding weekend.... They've had the opportunity of spending time with other guys who understand and who happen to be traveling a similar path.
They've made new friends, some of whom have never had real male friends before. They're learning to be social beings after having lived for years behind walls of solitude and fear.
Their wives knew that they were coming to this gathering of men.
So why the fear of returning home?
One of my friends returned home to a psycho wife... She actually mistreated him....and accused him of all manner of evil stuff...when all he did was to be able to join with other gay men to talk about their innermost feelings and thoughts?
Why do you women do that?
Why do you assume the worst?
Give us some credit.
Finally, there are those married men who make plans with their buds. If the wife wrinkles up her nose or says "I don't like it that you're doing that...." They cancel at the last minute -- only to spend hours on end bitching about the fact that their wives made them do it.
Or the husbands with controlling wives who, even though the husband has made some plans, take charge and change them all. Why couldn't the husband grow some balls and say, "No! I have it all arranged. Don't worry."
Why does it seem that the wives have to be the superior party in the marriage.....when it's supposed to be a partnership? Why do the husbands always feel the need to roll over and play dead.....and then whine about it when they could have done something to make it different? Perhaps these husbands should fold up their Rainbow flags and put them away.
I gave latitude to my former wife. I tried to please her on occasion. But, when I had made plans...and she tried to upset them....I'd simply say... "No."
Maybe this is why I'm now divorced?
Who knows?
But it seems to me that if you're married...there should be some give and take on both sides.....not an exhorbitant amount of giving on the gay husband's side of things. Being gay should not make you become a doormat to be steamrolled over routinely.
As I've said in this blog on several occasions.....when a husband has struggled with this issue for so long.....and he comes out....the issues suddenly becomes all about the wife.
Obviously...from what I've seen and heard lately, the marriage does too.
3 comments:
My marriage certainly became "all about her" before it ended... But my wife was one of those abusive ones.
I personally think it's because we, the gay husbands, know we did wrong, but we forget that the wrong we did was more to ourselves than to our wives.
Just my two cents.
Oh, and I've been thinking of you, Frank. Hope you've been doing well.
I can understand this now, I am only out to my wife for two months. The dust has not settled.
It is distressing to see guys who have been out for years have the same fears. Is it part of the package?
I am not sure that my marriage despite our love, would be good for either of us if we don't work this out.
Long post - sorry!
By the end of my marriage, we had grown apart. My husband had pulled back from me and the kids over a number of years - so slowly we hardly noticed it happening. he still lived with us, but lived on the edge. He seemed happy in his own existence. Although I encouraged him to be involved more with me and the children, no amount of encouragement and affection would bring him back. We were not fighters, we were cordial with one another. But something was definitely amiss.
So, I don't know if I am a good example of a woman to ask your questions, as I don't know if I or my marriage are similar enough to those you describe.
In my case, I had no idea my husband was gay when we married. I married him - loving him with mind, body, and soul. Soon after we married, he began to go on stretches of ignoring me. Just about the time I would begin to really worry about it, we would connect again. This went on the first nine years we were married. Around year ten, the disconnect grew and grew, with no connections anymore. Very little sexual contact, no affection at all from him. I actually considered divorcing in year ten, but felt that I had made my vows and needed to stick with them. After all, he didn't beat me and we had three wonderful children who deserved to have an intact family. But I was sad, and I was lonely. Maybe he was too. But he never let it show and he didn't want to talk about it.
A few months after our 19th anniversary, he came out as gay and said he intended to leave the marriage in three years and live life fully as a gay man. He said he never loved me, although he was fond of me. He said he had made some contacts in the gay community of our city, but hadn't had sex with anyone yet.
Within the week, I discovered his online blog. He had lied to me at the altar 19 years ago, he lied to me every time he told me he loved me throughout our marriage, and he had lied to me about having sex with other men.
So, I initiated a divorce right away. There was nothing to salvage. I still loved him, but there really was no marriage anymore.
If he had said he truly loved me AND he was gay, I don't know what I would have done. My guess is that I would have been unwilling to share him with other men. When I married, I believed in the part of forsaking all others. I know not everyone else in the world is on the same page in that regard, but even when I was sad and lonely in my marriage, I never sought comfort with anyone outside of my marriage.
My best guess as to why the women of these men behave the way they do is that they are jealous and they are scared. While they are trying to make accomodations in their marriage so that the marriage can survive, they really wish that their husbands wouldn't want to leave them to go to weekends with other gay men. They wish their husbands were with them (the wives), hugging them, putting their hand on their knee, not some other fellow.
I guess my personal belief is that when we find someone in this world who we really love romantically, we don't want to share.
And these wives perhaps feel if they tell their husbands that they can't go to gay events, their husbands will divorce them. So, they give their blessing, but the fear and jealousy pour out once the men return.
I personally feel that gay people and straight people shouldn't marry in the first place. When they do, it is an incredibly painful road for all involved.
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