Sometimes I Wonder....

Sometimes I wonder if I am too much of a nice guy.

Oh, I can be a real bear when I want to. I can get cranky....my temper can get the best of me.... If I'm not feeling well, that can cause me to be especially irritable.

But for the most part, I try to be easy going, kind, loving and gentle.

I guess that's why I wonder if I am too nice sometimes.

For example, this weekend Lovey wanted to film her serving communion at one of her churches, and her sermon, to be able to submit with her ordination paperwork that is due in mid-December. (Oddly enough on our 27th Wedding Anniversary to be precise.) So, she asked if I could help her.

I agreed to this back in the summer...and did it on the first Sunday in September. She was not happy with her performance.

She then asked if I would come up the first weekend in October.

I agreed to that too.

What's wrong with me?

I should know better.

Being with her like that is emotionally draining. It's like picking at an old sore. It never heals.

So, today I return to the office., having spent a busy weekend in the Shenandoah Valley of Virginia and awakening this morning a bit drained emotionally. AND..haunted by the might-have-beens. I was reminded once again of all the plans I had made. You see, I turned 50 this year, and I had planned to retire early and to move to where she was in ministry....get a job....and just live my life as a support to her and her ministry. But now, because of the divorce, I'm gonna have to work another 20 years at least to recoup what the settlement cost me in my retirement.

I reminded her of this plan during one of our more serious conversations. (She said she had forgotten.)

The insidious part of being gay is the fact that you try so hard to change.....you do everything you know to play by society's norms..... What's the result?

Failure!

From the start.

Colossally so.

Then I am forever haunted by it.

I was surfing the web the other day and came across a Ray Boltz concert from about 3 weeks ago that was video taped by Jesus MCC in Indiana. It was the first concert he gave since coming out...and it has really spoken volumes to me...in a spiritual way. He does a song entitled "I TRIED" that sums up my feelings and the thoughts I have dealt with. I can't wait for his new album...hopefully that will be on it. Give it a listen. The link to the entire concert is below...but listen for I TRIED. All his music is fantastic....even the old songs like THANK YOU......and THE ANCHOR HOLDS. Enjoy!


Ray Boltz in Concert from Jesus MCC on Vimeo.