Happy Birthday Frank!

On today, May 1, 2009, at 6:52 am, I will be 51 years old! It's really hard to believe that I have lived this long. But it has been a good run. I am thankful for all the blessings that I have and for all the wonderful friends I have made during the past four years!

Thanks to all my loyal readers for seeing me through the good and the bad times.

The picture above was kind of appropriate for me...the old guy! LOL!

April 30, 2009

Tomorrow is my birthday.

It looks like this year's celebration is going to be quite low key. I have no lavish plans made. No parties. No dinner engagements where I am the guest of honor.

I'm taking the day off to be with my daughter, who arrived safely from El Salvador for her battery of medical tests. She is preparing a special breakfast for me. I just got a telephone call and it looks like it is going to be at the O'Lovey's home which is only about 3 blocks away. I also have the honor of having Lovey in attendance, which should really be "interesting."

I'm kind of down because this is the first birthday in the last several years where my parents are not with me. Last year, the grand 50th was something. So this one will be a stark contrast to that one.

So, life moves ahead.

I'm a bit tired this evening.

Just a bit "blue."

Does It Ever Get Any Better?

Well, y'all.

I have written that this period of my life has not been my most time period. I've just gotten back to feeling half way decent after having had some serious physical maladies. Prior to that I was feeling like I had blown it in so many areas. Specifically in the realm of relationships.

So, to add to my feelings of inadequacy.....let me add a little more drama to the mix, okay?

There has been a man that I have been "dating" for the past few months. While it had its grand moments...and in the process it gave me a tremendous boost to my self-confidence, there were certain aspects of it that made me wonder. The young man was 15 years my junior. While a younger man is good in some ways......there were some serious drawbacks in my situation.

I discussed some of them with one of my closest friends last night over dinner. In fact, I told him that I did not view this relationship to be long-term material.... I did not see us moving in together.... I did not see us getting "married."

In my mind, I was prepared to give it a few more weeks before I pulled the plug to move on. I wanted to be sure. I didn't want to make any mistakes, because I had wanted someone in my life for so long...and when this guy came along, it was like the answer to my prayers.

Well tonight, for whatever reason, over dinner he decided to pull the plug. "It's not do "it" for me" he said...kind of clinically. Unbeknownst to him, I sighed a breath of relief. There was just a tinge of hurt pride on my part, but I'm quickly getting over it.

However, I am now left to wonder: am I better off alone? Do I really need anyone else in my life? I have my dog....I have my house....I have my job...and my church. Lots of things to keep me busy...and to focus my energy on.

In the last 4 years, I have lost two long term loves.....and now two short term loves.....(one was for 2 months....the other was just under 3 months). Certainly not a very impressive record.

I guess it is just too much to ask to find another gay man.....about my age.....who is romantic.....gentle....compassionate...non-robotic.....but someone who genuinely cares for me?

Does this ever get any better?

It's Monday...

It's the beginning of another brand new week. On top of that, the weather has apparently changed...and so yesterday I turned on the a/c for the season.

I have had a very trying weekend. I had planned to get so much completed before my daughter's return tomorrow night, but gosh, I came down with a very bad case of asthma, bronchitis -- with almost pneumonia in my right lung. To top things off, I had dual ear infections, and sinusitis. The doctor also found that my thyroid meds were not working properly...and I wasn't getting enough of what I needed. So that capped off my really feeling bad.

I spent the entire weekend in bed....and staying quiet. I did manage to get to church yesterday, but by the end of things, I was exhausted by it.

The antibiotic I am on has one sort of negative side effect that I have noticed. It has made me "down". Oh, with all the things I've been through over the past few years....I have gotten sad before. But this is much different....and it feels like the whole bottom of my world has dropped out.

There is no reason for this. I know it is chemically induced because I can't identify anything that has brought me this low. Things are going really well. My daughter returns after two years away, tomorrow evening. She is arriving just in time to help me celebrate my 51st birthday....which is Friday. I have nothing officially planned to celebrate my day....perhaps I will take some of my friends out on Sunday. Certainly I will not do anything on the grand scale that I did last year to celebrate my 50th!

So, I'm looking at having a very busy week. I'm concentrating on feeling better. Today I have off from work and I'm working to get the house cleaned a bit before my daughter arrives.

Life goes on...

My Daughter Is Set to Return From El Salvador

One week from tomorrow my daughter from the Peace Corps will be arriving to have some medical tests run. She has finished her tour of two years. She had originally wanted to stay for a third year, but she was thwarted by some strange medical readings and was sent home to have medical tests run. I am betting that things are not so serious. I am also betting that she will return there for her third year. Then she will be back here for good.

She'll probably be here for 3 weeks. Then return...and hopefully will get to come back home for a month's vacation beginning in June -- in time for her mother's big ordination.

As a result of her mom's and my communication failures from back in February, I am not invited to this big day. This is okay because I was not planning on going anyway. I'm simply at the point where I am done trying to be kind to their mom. Everything I do and have done is misconstrued and viewed ominiously. So, it's time to stop trying.

Lovey finally changed her name back to her maiden name. Something she was adamant about not ever doing because at the time she said she wanted to keep the same name as her children.

When quizzed, she informed them that they wouldn't be keeping their names either going forward when they marry. So to her it is no really big deal.

"It's time for me to show my independence," she says.

Well, I'm not too sure about all that.

It probably wasn't a good time to be writing all this. I'm tired....cranky....and "touchy" tonight.

Ever Feel Like You've Blown It?

Have you ever felt like you've blown it?

I mean, really, really blown it?

It seems to me like I I have felt that way many times in the past few years -- much more than my fair share I think.

This evening I feel like I'm consumed by it. It's a foggy and miserable evening. It's the perfect evening for thinking and pondering.

I'm still haunted by the ghosts of failures long over. There are so many areas in my life where I've let my best intentions get all out of kilter...and in the end I feel stupid for "blowing" it.

It has been a very long day today. So I am tired....and extremely sensitive. When I get this way, I am not very good to be around. So the next few days I am going to just spend some time alone. I'm going to try and figure some things out....try to pick myself up and dust myself off yet one more time.

I think I'm going to be spending a lot of time in prayer and meditation. What does God expect of me....and am I chugging down the right path.

I need to pray that I can get to a place where I can forgive Frank for being human.....for trying to be perfect all the time.......for trying to be spiritual......for caring too much......for worrying a lot more......and for not doing enough.....and most of all for missing the boat when it comes to the dreams and aspirations I had for myself that I screwed up so many, many years ago.

Most of all I long to be understood. People are so quick to judge and get the wrong idea about a whole host of things.

I need rest.

"Keep Those Checks Comin'"

Lovey sent me the long expected email today.

It said:

Frank,
On March 31, 2009, a County judge signed the Order for Change of Name for me. I have re-taken my maiden name. I will not make the complete shift until June, when I know my new address and will be meeting a new congregation. Through June, please continue to make out your support checks to the old name; beginning in July, please use my maiden name. Many thanks. Lovey.

It's good to know that she has her priorities in order.

It was reported through the grapevine that she is doing this to become more "independent."

So, I am VERY amused to know that for all her discussion of independence, she can't get through the month without my monthly "support."

God bless her!

A Death (cont.)

I went to the funeral this morning.

The mortuary was packed

I sat with my boss and another person from the agency where I work.

Surrounding the tiny casket up front were flowers. Words were spoken, songs were sung, poems were read, and the minister spoke. A woman rose and sang "OVER THE RAINBOW" acapella. I pictured the little girl, free from pain and illness wandering through paradise beyond the rainbow....and how excited she must be.

Then near the end of the service, the congregation sang, "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star".

Finally it was over. Everyone filed out and I greeted the coworker briefly. I then drove to a restaurant for lunch. Drained....sad....and very reflective.

I then received a text message from my daughter in Nashville. It said, "Daddy, have I told you lately how much I love you? Well, I just wanted you to know that I was thinking about you today and wanted you to know it."

I melted.

A Death

The granddaughter of a co-worker of mine has spent the last year or so battling a terribly aggressive form of brain cancer. The little girl, Emily, was just two years old and was being readied to have stem-cell treatment. However, she passed away and her funeral is tomorrow morning.

My thoughts and prayers are with her family.

Trust

One would think that after all the stuff I've experienced in the past few years I would understand the concept of God and Trust.

But, sadly, I haven't.

Oh, there are times where I believe that I have achieved "baby steps" in this, but overall I think I am a miserable failure.

Right now I am working on it.

Tremendously hard.

My first impulse when I enter into new territory or experiences is to not trust, but rather fall into the trap of fear.

Fear of the unknown.

Fear of what could happen.

Fear of what I don't want to happen.

Fear of failure.

So, for what it is worth, I am going to work on my need in trusting in God. In looking back over all the events that have composed my life thus far, God has never let me down.

I've never had to doubt that.

So, why do I worry? Now?