Have you ever felt like you've blown it?
I mean, really, really blown it?
It seems to me like I I have felt that way many times in the past few years -- much more than my fair share I think.
This evening I feel like I'm consumed by it. It's a foggy and miserable evening. It's the perfect evening for thinking and pondering.
I'm still haunted by the ghosts of failures long over. There are so many areas in my life where I've let my best intentions get all out of kilter...and in the end I feel stupid for "blowing" it.
It has been a very long day today. So I am tired....and extremely sensitive. When I get this way, I am not very good to be around. So the next few days I am going to just spend some time alone. I'm going to try and figure some things out....try to pick myself up and dust myself off yet one more time.
I think I'm going to be spending a lot of time in prayer and meditation. What does God expect of me....and am I chugging down the right path.
I need to pray that I can get to a place where I can forgive Frank for being human.....for trying to be perfect all the time.......for trying to be spiritual......for caring too much......for worrying a lot more......and for not doing enough.....and most of all for missing the boat when it comes to the dreams and aspirations I had for myself that I screwed up so many, many years ago.
Most of all I long to be understood. People are so quick to judge and get the wrong idea about a whole host of things.
I need rest.
5 comments:
Must be the way the wind is blowing, I'm feeling much the same way today.
Dear Frank;
Life is a growth process, were we “perfect” we could not grow, or change; that is, we could not live. Our imperfection is what gives us the room to live, to grow in some direction, motivated and informed by our failures. We of course do our best, given the state of our far too imperfect knowledge, but that will never be perfect. I have heard it attributed to Martin Luther: “Love and sin boldly.”
Rick
Frank:
It sounds like a TERRIBLE time to be alone. The question is: who to be with?
One thing I always found worked was to go see a funny movie with someone I liked.
In a pinch, I'd watch it on my own at home.
It was Luther who said "pecca fortiter sed fortius fide (sin boldly but believe even bolder) ," and Augustine who simply said, "Ama et fac quod vis (love and do as you like)."
They may be talking to you, Frank.
But try something to make yourself laugh anyway. I can SORT OF recommend "Monsters vs Aliens," in 3D even, and it's better than sitting around feeling sorry for yourself.
Cheers
T@C
Oh, yeah. A good laugh is a good idea. Rest and a healthy meal or two also make a world of difference. Amazing how something so simple can make such a big difference. I hope you feel better by now. If not, keep chugging.
Go easy on yourself. You've had a rough few days. It's probably OK to let up a little.
You are much too hard on yourself, Frank. You are such a good guy with very good intentions. I respect and admire you!
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