Does It Ever Get Any Better?

Well, y'all.

I have written that this period of my life has not been my most time period. I've just gotten back to feeling half way decent after having had some serious physical maladies. Prior to that I was feeling like I had blown it in so many areas. Specifically in the realm of relationships.

So, to add to my feelings of inadequacy.....let me add a little more drama to the mix, okay?

There has been a man that I have been "dating" for the past few months. While it had its grand moments...and in the process it gave me a tremendous boost to my self-confidence, there were certain aspects of it that made me wonder. The young man was 15 years my junior. While a younger man is good in some ways......there were some serious drawbacks in my situation.

I discussed some of them with one of my closest friends last night over dinner. In fact, I told him that I did not view this relationship to be long-term material.... I did not see us moving in together.... I did not see us getting "married."

In my mind, I was prepared to give it a few more weeks before I pulled the plug to move on. I wanted to be sure. I didn't want to make any mistakes, because I had wanted someone in my life for so long...and when this guy came along, it was like the answer to my prayers.

Well tonight, for whatever reason, over dinner he decided to pull the plug. "It's not do "it" for me" he said...kind of clinically. Unbeknownst to him, I sighed a breath of relief. There was just a tinge of hurt pride on my part, but I'm quickly getting over it.

However, I am now left to wonder: am I better off alone? Do I really need anyone else in my life? I have my dog....I have my house....I have my job...and my church. Lots of things to keep me busy...and to focus my energy on.

In the last 4 years, I have lost two long term loves.....and now two short term loves.....(one was for 2 months....the other was just under 3 months). Certainly not a very impressive record.

I guess it is just too much to ask to find another gay man.....about my age.....who is romantic.....gentle....compassionate...non-robotic.....but someone who genuinely cares for me?

Does this ever get any better?