Came home early from the office. I had a problem with the old sinuses...but when I got home, I got a telephone call from Lovey.
Her mother got the results back from her PETSCAN from yesterday. The cancer has metastasized and is in her collarbone and a femur (leg). She begins radiation next week...and followed by chemo.
So it brings back a lot of bad memories for me about my own parents.
It makes me realize just how fragile life is and how things can come from left field. Sort of makes my other gay issues pale in comparison.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Interesting People Who Cross My Path
I am always amazed at how many different kinds of people cross my path. I am just trying to be myself. Not worry about the dating thing. Even though there are two men that I have humongous crushes on. Either of these guys could be the one -- but each has their own set of baggage that prevents them from seeing me in any way of romantic entanglement.
Tonight I have received texts from both.
So, I am glowing right now.
Today one of them kissed me even!
WOW!
I also received an email from someone that was captivated by one of my online profiles. Only problem with him is that he does not know that I keep lists of folks who I have communicated with and who have treated me badly.
He was one of those.
Guess I am not going to pursue that one.
I've found out that a number of the men with whom I have dealings with at my office are gay.
It's just amazing how folks are coming out....right and left.
Sam Champion, the GMA Weatherman recently married his boyfriend. Jim Nabors just announced that he married his longtime boyfriend recently.
Yes, times are changing.
Perhaps a good guy will cross my path too.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
The Unattainable
He lights up the room when I see him. He just doesn't know it.
He makes my heart skip a beat. He just doesn't know it.
He means the world to me -- even the universe. He just doesn't know it.
After we have been together, my entire day is brighter. He just doesn't know it.
I have sort of an interesting way of measuring my feelings for people. In the realm of love and relationships, I look at how I'm feeling about someone....and weigh it against I Corinthians 13.
No, I'm not getting all preachy.
But as a man of faith, I weigh things like this to make sure it's not just falling in lust with someone.
Aw...this is so much deeper than that.
Not interested in jumping his bones just for the sake of doing that.
The situation is not perfect. Some storms have the waters all churned up.
But I want to be there for him and only him. I want to be his rock. I want to be his lighthouse. Whenever...
Thinking long term potential here. Not fly by night.
Thinking how much fun it would be to just wrap my arms around him forever and do what I can to brighten his life or let him know just how special he is. Or how contented I could be just curled up somewhere with my head on his chest.
He doesn't have to do one thing to maintain these feelings in me. He doesn't have to do anything special. He doesn't have to earn a boatload of cash. He can be the biggest failure in the world.
All he has to do is to live and draw his breaths.
Aw....he just doesn't know it...
Frank Goes On Another Date
OMG....I was invited on a date last night at a nearby restaurant.
He and I had been corresponding for quite a while and finally, last night, our schedules meshed.
"Would you be free to meet me at 'such and such' for drinks around 6:00pm?"
I said okay....and off I went.
To meet the mystery man who had been married. He has adult kids. He has an elderly mother. He has two dogs and a beach house on the shore.
This man said he was one year younger than me. He said he worked out. He said all kinds of things.
But when we finally met, I immediately got bad vibes. It wasn't a good fit. There were no good feelings. He came across as whiny. He looked older than he said. He was shorter than he said. His clothes made him look like a totally elderly guy.
So I ordered a full meal. I'm diabetic and I'm hungry and I don't drink. He ordered wine. He finished his wine....and he had to leave and cook his supper. He cooks all his meals....EVERY NIGHT he said. Tonight's meal was fresh salmon. So he was going to do that.
I smiled. Told him to call me. Thanked him for meeting me.
I wanted so badly to say, "Be Gone!" But I was nice. I continued my dinner.
Not going to hold my breath for his returned call.
He and I had been corresponding for quite a while and finally, last night, our schedules meshed. "Would you be free to meet me at 'such and such' for drinks around 6:00pm?"
I said okay....and off I went.
To meet the mystery man who had been married. He has adult kids. He has an elderly mother. He has two dogs and a beach house on the shore.
This man said he was one year younger than me. He said he worked out. He said all kinds of things.
But when we finally met, I immediately got bad vibes. It wasn't a good fit. There were no good feelings. He came across as whiny. He looked older than he said. He was shorter than he said. His clothes made him look like a totally elderly guy.
So I ordered a full meal. I'm diabetic and I'm hungry and I don't drink. He ordered wine. He finished his wine....and he had to leave and cook his supper. He cooks all his meals....EVERY NIGHT he said. Tonight's meal was fresh salmon. So he was going to do that.
I smiled. Told him to call me. Thanked him for meeting me.
I wanted so badly to say, "Be Gone!" But I was nice. I continued my dinner.
Not going to hold my breath for his returned call.
Miscellaneous Thoughts
I'm a member of a number of online discussion groups. All of them concern being gay and male....and yes...gay and married. Over the years I have made a host friends who are married and dealing with the issue. Some are out to their wives. Some are not. They make these decisions based on their own reasons. I am in no position to criticize or advise them of the best way they should handle their journey.
It's just all so very interesting.
It's diverse.
Even though they have a lot in common with me...in terms of being gay. The approach they choose is as vast as the stars in the heavens.
Today a couple of discussions caught my eye.
One in particular advised the men to never trust a single gay man. "Only consort with married gay men." The thinking surrounding this pronouncement is that you only deal with those men who have as much to lose as you do.
HOGWASH I say.
There is nothing magical for one married man to only deal with other married men. Married guys can be broken vessels just like anyone else. They can be psychos. They can out you just as well as anyone else.
They can black mail.
I decided to comment on this post and say all of the above.
My one question to the group was "What's wrong with getting to know someone first before dropping trou? I find that dropping trou is so much better when there is a knowledge and comfort and yes, some emotion behind it...and if you are doing it out of a relationship....whether it be casual friendship...or something deeper."
Well, my comments have not generate much discussion. So, I wait and see.
The second conversation topic that caught my eye today was whether men kiss.
It has always fascinated me that there are some men who refuse to kiss. It's too intimate they say. This is after, of course, they have licked your spleen and your more southern regions.
Why is that?
To me, kissing is a deal breaker. If a guy won't kiss you during the act...why bother. I want to feel that connection...and frankly, kissing is like completing a circuit within me. It gets me going in ways that I can't explain.
There is a right way and a wrong way to kiss old Frank here.
During my experiementation phase after Lovey ditched me, I explored all male sex parties. I always played safe and to be honest, I really enjoyed watching more than participating.
One day in particular, I was lying on a vacant bed enjoying all the activity surrounding me. Men of all shapes and sizes were paired off and enjoying each other. I noticed that there was a lot of mechanical sex happening. This is the kind of stuff that happens when two men are in lust with each other and it is primarily about getting to orgasm. Once its over, they wipe off...go shower....get dressed and leave. Basically without a word.
Still others click in a magical way. I've seen some great relationships/love stories begin at these gatherings. It's amazing. As far as these guys are concerned, they are the only two in attendance. They only have eyes for each other and that's the only people they are there for.
Then there are those who are just willing to pile on....or drop to their knees....or physically connect with someone just to stick themselves into a warm and inviting orifice--just to get off.
This one particular day, I was a mere observer. All of a sudden, one of the latter -- a very tiny asian guy decided to actually hop on me to take me for a spin. No inquiry...not attempt to see if I were interested. In his mind I would be the perfect person to get him off.
He also assumed wrongly that I would be turned on if he were to begin kissing me in a way that Lassie might introduce herself -- with a wet tongue licking my face...my cheeks......my ears......my chest......my underarms.
EWWWWWWWW.
I politely told him that I was "resting" and needed a break. He finally took the hint and attacked some other poor soul.
I was totally grossed out.
At the same party, another man gingerly approached me. He was a few years my junior...and he asked if he could sit on the loveseat with me. He was a cute man....and so my type. I was totally captivated and immesnely touched that he reached over and stroke my hand. Very sweetly....and gently. He then began to gently rub my shoulders....touch my face..... Then he leaned in and kissed me. Warmly....gently.....closed mouth..... He certainly knew what he was doing. As our passions began to rise.....he held me close......the kissing became more intense......and as this happened.....mouths opened in unison....and tongues joined.
It was so intense. So warm. So passionate.
For those few moments, I felt as if I were the only man in the world....and for that few moments I was the center of this man's universe.
As the session continued....we progressed to other stuff that men can do for each other (no need to describe all the gory details)....but suffice it to say that he and I both reached total climaxes in relatively short order.
Instead of him wiping off....jumping up....and leaving....he continued to hold me....to kiss me tenderly....and I eagerly returned the favor. I could have been there entangled with him for hours...but alas he had to leave....and he was married with kids.
Bummer.
But that taught me something. There is something wonderful about taking one's time....and allowing feelings to grow. Allowing passions to rise.
I can't help but long for someone such as this for a partner....or as a bf.....or as a potential mate.
If I could find someone of this calibre, you would see one happy FRANK.
FRANK would be intensely happy. That man, whoever he is, would be on cloud 9.
I am not saying that sex is the only thing I am basing things on. But I'm saying that having those needs fulfilled by one man....who is comfortable with himself....who can let go and not be afraid to express passion and deep affection for another man is well on his way to become my dream guy.
WOW!
It's just all so very interesting.
It's diverse.
Even though they have a lot in common with me...in terms of being gay. The approach they choose is as vast as the stars in the heavens.
Today a couple of discussions caught my eye.
One in particular advised the men to never trust a single gay man. "Only consort with married gay men." The thinking surrounding this pronouncement is that you only deal with those men who have as much to lose as you do.
HOGWASH I say.
There is nothing magical for one married man to only deal with other married men. Married guys can be broken vessels just like anyone else. They can be psychos. They can out you just as well as anyone else.
They can black mail.
I decided to comment on this post and say all of the above.
My one question to the group was "What's wrong with getting to know someone first before dropping trou? I find that dropping trou is so much better when there is a knowledge and comfort and yes, some emotion behind it...and if you are doing it out of a relationship....whether it be casual friendship...or something deeper."
Well, my comments have not generate much discussion. So, I wait and see.
The second conversation topic that caught my eye today was whether men kiss.
It has always fascinated me that there are some men who refuse to kiss. It's too intimate they say. This is after, of course, they have licked your spleen and your more southern regions.
Why is that?
To me, kissing is a deal breaker. If a guy won't kiss you during the act...why bother. I want to feel that connection...and frankly, kissing is like completing a circuit within me. It gets me going in ways that I can't explain.
During my experiementation phase after Lovey ditched me, I explored all male sex parties. I always played safe and to be honest, I really enjoyed watching more than participating.
One day in particular, I was lying on a vacant bed enjoying all the activity surrounding me. Men of all shapes and sizes were paired off and enjoying each other. I noticed that there was a lot of mechanical sex happening. This is the kind of stuff that happens when two men are in lust with each other and it is primarily about getting to orgasm. Once its over, they wipe off...go shower....get dressed and leave. Basically without a word.
Still others click in a magical way. I've seen some great relationships/love stories begin at these gatherings. It's amazing. As far as these guys are concerned, they are the only two in attendance. They only have eyes for each other and that's the only people they are there for.
Then there are those who are just willing to pile on....or drop to their knees....or physically connect with someone just to stick themselves into a warm and inviting orifice--just to get off.
This one particular day, I was a mere observer. All of a sudden, one of the latter -- a very tiny asian guy decided to actually hop on me to take me for a spin. No inquiry...not attempt to see if I were interested. In his mind I would be the perfect person to get him off.
He also assumed wrongly that I would be turned on if he were to begin kissing me in a way that Lassie might introduce herself -- with a wet tongue licking my face...my cheeks......my ears......my chest......my underarms.
EWWWWWWWW.
I politely told him that I was "resting" and needed a break. He finally took the hint and attacked some other poor soul.
I was totally grossed out.
At the same party, another man gingerly approached me. He was a few years my junior...and he asked if he could sit on the loveseat with me. He was a cute man....and so my type. I was totally captivated and immesnely touched that he reached over and stroke my hand. Very sweetly....and gently. He then began to gently rub my shoulders....touch my face..... Then he leaned in and kissed me. Warmly....gently.....closed mouth..... He certainly knew what he was doing. As our passions began to rise.....he held me close......the kissing became more intense......and as this happened.....mouths opened in unison....and tongues joined.
It was so intense. So warm. So passionate.
For those few moments, I felt as if I were the only man in the world....and for that few moments I was the center of this man's universe.
As the session continued....we progressed to other stuff that men can do for each other (no need to describe all the gory details)....but suffice it to say that he and I both reached total climaxes in relatively short order.
Instead of him wiping off....jumping up....and leaving....he continued to hold me....to kiss me tenderly....and I eagerly returned the favor. I could have been there entangled with him for hours...but alas he had to leave....and he was married with kids.
Bummer.
But that taught me something. There is something wonderful about taking one's time....and allowing feelings to grow. Allowing passions to rise.
I can't help but long for someone such as this for a partner....or as a bf.....or as a potential mate.
If I could find someone of this calibre, you would see one happy FRANK.
FRANK would be intensely happy. That man, whoever he is, would be on cloud 9.
I am not saying that sex is the only thing I am basing things on. But I'm saying that having those needs fulfilled by one man....who is comfortable with himself....who can let go and not be afraid to express passion and deep affection for another man is well on his way to become my dream guy.
WOW!
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Sleeping Alone
But the going is slow, and I'm not sure why this is the case.
Let me give you some background.
Back in my straight days I NEVER dated. The gay thing had me petrified of the opposite sex. The mating dance totally intimidated me -- big time. This was because of my being gay and I knew that whatever I did with a woman, I would fail.
So, the only woman I ever dated was the woman now known here only as "Lovey."
We all know how that all played out.
Fast forward to the current day. I have been looking for ages for a good partner. I've gone on a number of blind dates. I've met some wonderful men. We seem to get along. We talk about all kinds of things. We've gone to movies. We've had romantic dinners.
BUT ... something always happens
They never call back.
Or they disappear into the ether of the Internet.
So, I just wish I could find someone sincere who is not always on the lookout for the next best thing. Someone who would be content with a regular guy. A sincere guy. A guy who has much to offer and who has a lot of love to give.
A guy who is tired of sleeping alone.
Elected!
What a day! I just got home from church and lunch with a wonderful lesbian couple I know. It has been totally eventful.
We have been without a full time senior pastor for almost 18 months. We currently have a great interim pastor.
Today I was elected to the Pastor Search Committee. Since we are a primarily lesbian congregation, I am quite amazed that out of seven individuals, I was one of two men put onto the committee. So, the real work begins and we hope to have a new senior pastor by the first of June.
Ambitious, huh?
So, one more task that I have to do.
We have been without a full time senior pastor for almost 18 months. We currently have a great interim pastor.
Today I was elected to the Pastor Search Committee. Since we are a primarily lesbian congregation, I am quite amazed that out of seven individuals, I was one of two men put onto the committee. So, the real work begins and we hope to have a new senior pastor by the first of June.
Ambitious, huh?
So, one more task that I have to do.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Older, but BETTER?
Aw...I could probably create his entire backstory jut by looking at him.
I've also indicated that I am a mature man. Haven't really thought about it too hard, bu tgosh....I turn 55 in just a few months.
Today on one of those apps, a young twenty something sent me a message to say how hot he thought I was. Now, keep in mind you all that this is just based on a picture of me with a coat and tie. Nothing spectacular, but it's a good rendering of what I am all about. I'm pretty comfy with just me.and how I am looking these days.
Then he told me I looked like a TV star.
He couldn't remember the name.
I was curious. I've never been told that I look like anyone famous.
Well gosh....that made me wilt like a dead chicken. Well not really, Bruce is a great looking guy.
But isn't he the one that died in the airplane bathroom after he and Emmett had a romantic rendezvous on a transatlantic flight to join the mile-high club?
Well I will be 55 soon. So, I'm not the pretty young thing I once was.
But, really, I do like how I'm turning out in middle age and at the beginning of my old age! So I guess I am on my way to looking distinguisehed, happy confident and secure.
No offense taken!
Mindless and Mechanical Sex
I am just so sick of my whining....and my overall frustration at not having someone in my life. I am so sick of me.
So here is the thing that is so maddening.
Why is it that men will spend forever whining about their bad experiences in the land of gay.....and yet still wallow in the same old ways.
Let me explain.
A man that I went to visit -- to actually meet for the very first time on Monday, whined about the lack of love in his life.
He went on and on and on and on about it.
He spoke of his former partner....boyfriend....whatever you want to call it....and how that they had barebacked the last time he saw him and how he picked up prostatiis from bacteria from his bf!
Then as we chatted, he was bombarded by 10 or so instant messages from people hitting on him on GROWLR.
Then he talked about his getting drunk and waking up with people in his bed. How he couldn't remember their names....and how sometimes he is thankful that there are no people in his bed after a night of heavy drinking.
Then how he meets people and how they disappear into the ether.
He then talked about the innagural ball he was attending that night and how he hoped he didn't get so sloshed that he couldn't walk to the metro.
Spent two hours with him...and decided I needed to leave.
NOPE! There was not any intimacy....even though he was hunky and former military.
After all that, I don't want to pursue him. He kind of turned me off.
Today I received a text saying how much he enjoyed meeting me. I told him that I ennjoyed meeting him too. But most definitely not headed any place.
Upon reflection, I hope I don't come across like him. I gave my undivided attention to him. I turned off the cellphone. He did turn down his television. I have to give credit where credit is due.
I answered all his questions. He answered all mine when he wasn't blabbing on and on and on and pausing to answer texts from men who "wanted him."...
But when I left, I pondered him....and compared him with me. I now know how I don't want to come across. Yes, he was quite doable....and I could have just had mindless and mechanical sex with him. I could have left with my carnal needs satiated....
BUT
As I grow further into deep middle age, I am totally turned off by this kind of sex.
I want something meaningful and lasting.
Not a fast hookup.
Not just a secretion of bodily fluids all over.
But someone who will be there for the longhaul....and even be there when the fluids stop being secreted and the moaning stops.
WHERE ARE THE MEN LIKE THIS IN THE DC AREA?
So here is the thing that is so maddening.
Why is it that men will spend forever whining about their bad experiences in the land of gay.....and yet still wallow in the same old ways.
Let me explain.
A man that I went to visit -- to actually meet for the very first time on Monday, whined about the lack of love in his life.
He went on and on and on and on about it.
He spoke of his former partner....boyfriend....whatever you want to call it....and how that they had barebacked the last time he saw him and how he picked up prostatiis from bacteria from his bf!
Then as we chatted, he was bombarded by 10 or so instant messages from people hitting on him on GROWLR.
Then he talked about his getting drunk and waking up with people in his bed. How he couldn't remember their names....and how sometimes he is thankful that there are no people in his bed after a night of heavy drinking.
Then how he meets people and how they disappear into the ether.
He then talked about the innagural ball he was attending that night and how he hoped he didn't get so sloshed that he couldn't walk to the metro.
Spent two hours with him...and decided I needed to leave.
NOPE! There was not any intimacy....even though he was hunky and former military.
After all that, I don't want to pursue him. He kind of turned me off.
Today I received a text saying how much he enjoyed meeting me. I told him that I ennjoyed meeting him too. But most definitely not headed any place.
Upon reflection, I hope I don't come across like him. I gave my undivided attention to him. I turned off the cellphone. He did turn down his television. I have to give credit where credit is due.
I answered all his questions. He answered all mine when he wasn't blabbing on and on and on and pausing to answer texts from men who "wanted him."...
But when I left, I pondered him....and compared him with me. I now know how I don't want to come across. Yes, he was quite doable....and I could have just had mindless and mechanical sex with him. I could have left with my carnal needs satiated....
BUT
As I grow further into deep middle age, I am totally turned off by this kind of sex.
I want something meaningful and lasting.
Not a fast hookup.
Not just a secretion of bodily fluids all over.
But someone who will be there for the longhaul....and even be there when the fluids stop being secreted and the moaning stops.
WHERE ARE THE MEN LIKE THIS IN THE DC AREA?
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
The Blues.....
Back at work and I have a case of the blues. It did not help that last night I dreamed of my parents and the house they once lived in...we all lived in...
I miss them so very much.
It just feels so weird to not have them them around.
At times I feel so strong and so self confident. Today I just feel alone and needy. I feel even vulnerable.
I don't like feeling this way. But there it is. Hanging out here for the world to see and to read about.
I feel so gosh darn fragile. I don't like feeling this way. I really must work to shoreup these feelings. Get my act together and enjoy the life I have.
I have many blessings to ponder. God has been great to me. After all, I could never have survived the massive breakup of my marriage, the kids leaving the nest, the terminal illnesses of my parents, their subsequent deaths, probate, estate liquidation, house renovations, etc. without that presence in my life.
Based on the previous posts, I am gay....and I hunger for a relationship. Where this hunger comes from, I don't know. But I feel as though a parrt of me is missing. I have a hole there that is beyond description. At times, like now, I am aching for a presence. I guess it scares me because as I said previously, I don't want to appear to be needy and I don't want to fall for the first thing that shows the least bit of interest.
I have a secret list of qualifications that I am looking for. I created it to just put out there in the universe what I long for -- up close and personal.
\
I feel like a bloomin' onion....layers and layers and layers of stuff to deal with.
It never ends.
I miss them so very much.
It just feels so weird to not have them them around.
At times I feel so strong and so self confident. Today I just feel alone and needy. I feel even vulnerable.
I don't like feeling this way. But there it is. Hanging out here for the world to see and to read about.
I feel so gosh darn fragile. I don't like feeling this way. I really must work to shoreup these feelings. Get my act together and enjoy the life I have.
I have many blessings to ponder. God has been great to me. After all, I could never have survived the massive breakup of my marriage, the kids leaving the nest, the terminal illnesses of my parents, their subsequent deaths, probate, estate liquidation, house renovations, etc. without that presence in my life.
Based on the previous posts, I am gay....and I hunger for a relationship. Where this hunger comes from, I don't know. But I feel as though a parrt of me is missing. I have a hole there that is beyond description. At times, like now, I am aching for a presence. I guess it scares me because as I said previously, I don't want to appear to be needy and I don't want to fall for the first thing that shows the least bit of interest.
I have a secret list of qualifications that I am looking for. I created it to just put out there in the universe what I long for -- up close and personal.
\
I feel like a bloomin' onion....layers and layers and layers of stuff to deal with.
It never ends.
Monday, January 21, 2013
Have You Noticed.....?
I have been writing here a lot more in the past few days. I guess this is because that I feel a tad guilty at neglecting you all for months at a time. So, I am striving to really keep you apprised of what I am experiencing...or at least thinking about.
The gay issue is not ever very far away from my mind.
For example, today I actually got to spend some time with a man that I have been corresponding with for several months. It was frustrating to me because although he said that was looking for something more than a hookup...he veered off into a discussion about how he has been used only for sex. He then told me about all his conquests....and then shared pictures of his conquests.....and suggestive pictures of himself.
Once again, I found myself totally turned off.
He was attractive....I could have really been into him...but he would not shut up....and with his discussion of prior conquests in all its gory detail, I'm just turned off.
Another nice guy contacted me as a result of one of my personal ads online....he and I have traded emails. We've traded face pics...we've talked and shared. He sound like a good man. He has been married and has adult kids like me. Planning to meet him this week, but I am not getting my hopes up.
Perhaps it is self defeating....or I am just fulfilling self made prophecies.
So, I am at a loss.
What do I do to meet a good guy?
I do not want to be desperate or to just fall for the first man who shows interest.
So, I just have to take my time....keep my standards and move forward.
It would be so helpful if I had a lot of dating experience. I don't have it. So I don't know what the rules are....I have no way of knowing if I'm committing relationship faux pas.
Gay men can be cruel. The rules appear out of no where generally after you have committed the sin. Gay men are not forgiving.
Then what do I do when I meet someone that I have attraction to? Do I continue to be the one who takes the risk and lay my cards on the proverbial table...or do I hope that he will make the first move.
I know several men who are in this category. All it would take is if they were to suggest that we try something....
I will let you know if something develops....
The gay issue is not ever very far away from my mind.
For example, today I actually got to spend some time with a man that I have been corresponding with for several months. It was frustrating to me because although he said that was looking for something more than a hookup...he veered off into a discussion about how he has been used only for sex. He then told me about all his conquests....and then shared pictures of his conquests.....and suggestive pictures of himself.
Once again, I found myself totally turned off.
He was attractive....I could have really been into him...but he would not shut up....and with his discussion of prior conquests in all its gory detail, I'm just turned off.
Another nice guy contacted me as a result of one of my personal ads online....he and I have traded emails. We've traded face pics...we've talked and shared. He sound like a good man. He has been married and has adult kids like me. Planning to meet him this week, but I am not getting my hopes up.
Perhaps it is self defeating....or I am just fulfilling self made prophecies.
So, I am at a loss.
What do I do to meet a good guy?
I do not want to be desperate or to just fall for the first man who shows interest.
So, I just have to take my time....keep my standards and move forward.
It would be so helpful if I had a lot of dating experience. I don't have it. So I don't know what the rules are....I have no way of knowing if I'm committing relationship faux pas.
Gay men can be cruel. The rules appear out of no where generally after you have committed the sin. Gay men are not forgiving.
Then what do I do when I meet someone that I have attraction to? Do I continue to be the one who takes the risk and lay my cards on the proverbial table...or do I hope that he will make the first move.
I know several men who are in this category. All it would take is if they were to suggest that we try something....
I will let you know if something develops....
President Obama
Today was certainly an eventful day for us gay folks.
The President spoke of Stonewall and of marriage and the like. I nearly fell out of my chair. I had to explain to my daughter just exactly what Stonewall was, and why it had such significance for me.
So, liberals like myself loved the speech....and the conservatives will hate it.
Oh my!
None of this changes the fact that I am still here and that I am still gay....
It is amazing to see just how far this issue has progressed through the years. It used to be considered so disgusting...AWFUL....WRONG....but at least here in the Washington, DC area, it is no big deal.
I just went to the grocery store. A gay couple checked out ahead of me. No one batted an eye.
I had dinner at a Chinese Restaurant close to my home and they were all glued to the television watching the parade. As I looked on, a gay and lesbian marching band went by...and the TV commentators mentioned their names.....zoomed in on the banner they were carrying. I watched some of the working class men standing in line.....and expected some snide comments....but it was just business as usual. Nothing bad happened.
WOW!
So, we are realizing I believe that gay people are just like everyone else. We are entitled to be happy just like everyone else. We're not child molesters, perverts...and we're not sending the country to hell....blah....blah...blah.
God has also not sent down fire and brimstone to all the states sanctioning gay marriage either.
In fact, Western Civilization as we know it continues to operate and has not missed a beat.
So, I hope the Bible thumpers will just take a powder...and calm down.....and learn tolerance.
It's time.
The President spoke of Stonewall and of marriage and the like. I nearly fell out of my chair. I had to explain to my daughter just exactly what Stonewall was, and why it had such significance for me.
So, liberals like myself loved the speech....and the conservatives will hate it.
Oh my!
None of this changes the fact that I am still here and that I am still gay....
It is amazing to see just how far this issue has progressed through the years. It used to be considered so disgusting...AWFUL....WRONG....but at least here in the Washington, DC area, it is no big deal.
I just went to the grocery store. A gay couple checked out ahead of me. No one batted an eye.
I had dinner at a Chinese Restaurant close to my home and they were all glued to the television watching the parade. As I looked on, a gay and lesbian marching band went by...and the TV commentators mentioned their names.....zoomed in on the banner they were carrying. I watched some of the working class men standing in line.....and expected some snide comments....but it was just business as usual. Nothing bad happened.
WOW!
So, we are realizing I believe that gay people are just like everyone else. We are entitled to be happy just like everyone else. We're not child molesters, perverts...and we're not sending the country to hell....blah....blah...blah.
God has also not sent down fire and brimstone to all the states sanctioning gay marriage either.
In fact, Western Civilization as we know it continues to operate and has not missed a beat.
So, I hope the Bible thumpers will just take a powder...and calm down.....and learn tolerance.
It's time.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Church Today
I was in a much better frame of mind today. THANK GOD! It's always good to enjoy church surrounded by your friends. Last week's funk was gone....but I got little twinges of sadness today.
When I got there....my former bf was there (he's coming to church a lot more frequently now that he has a new bf I see). He was seated next to his new man of the hour....and I thought about turning around and going home. It truly pains me. Never thought I would feel that way about a long dead relationship. But it truly hurts. I guess because I remember how he used to sit close to me in church....have his arm around me like he was this morning. Holding close....etc....etc.
Those were good days.
So I found a seat behind two of my best lesbian friends ever. They blocked my view of him and him.
It helped greatly.
I am what is referred to as a communion minister at church. This means that after people have dipped their wafer into the cup of grape juice, they come to us for special prayers and blessings. Today I was asked to serve and I never turn it down.
So there I was at the front of the church. I prayed with a multitude of people....and near the end...who is standing before me for prayer and blessing? YUP...my ex-bf and his bf.
I couldn't run.
I couldn't hide.
Although I was tempted to do both.
So, what did I do?
I opened my arms broadly.......and welcomed them both with a broad smile. I suppose I'm a candidate for a really big gold star when I get to heaven! LOL!
Seriously, it hurt.....and whatever the hurt was....be it pride...or something else, I sucked it all up and prayed for them singly...and as a couple...that God would direct their path. My ex-bf had his head nestled on my right shoulder.....and the bf was at my left shoulder....a little more of a reserved distance between us. When the AMEN was said, I received pecks on the cheek from both.
I made it through!
Shocked...
One of my friends came up to me afterward to say that my grace was showing and it was incredible. The friend did not think that they would have been so graceful at such a moment.
I guess God knows what He is doing...
I certainly don't know.
When I got there....my former bf was there (he's coming to church a lot more frequently now that he has a new bf I see). He was seated next to his new man of the hour....and I thought about turning around and going home. It truly pains me. Never thought I would feel that way about a long dead relationship. But it truly hurts. I guess because I remember how he used to sit close to me in church....have his arm around me like he was this morning. Holding close....etc....etc.
Those were good days.
So I found a seat behind two of my best lesbian friends ever. They blocked my view of him and him.
It helped greatly.
I am what is referred to as a communion minister at church. This means that after people have dipped their wafer into the cup of grape juice, they come to us for special prayers and blessings. Today I was asked to serve and I never turn it down.
So there I was at the front of the church. I prayed with a multitude of people....and near the end...who is standing before me for prayer and blessing? YUP...my ex-bf and his bf.
I couldn't run.
I couldn't hide.
Although I was tempted to do both.
So, what did I do?
I opened my arms broadly.......and welcomed them both with a broad smile. I suppose I'm a candidate for a really big gold star when I get to heaven! LOL!
Seriously, it hurt.....and whatever the hurt was....be it pride...or something else, I sucked it all up and prayed for them singly...and as a couple...that God would direct their path. My ex-bf had his head nestled on my right shoulder.....and the bf was at my left shoulder....a little more of a reserved distance between us. When the AMEN was said, I received pecks on the cheek from both.
I made it through!
Shocked...
One of my friends came up to me afterward to say that my grace was showing and it was incredible. The friend did not think that they would have been so graceful at such a moment.
I guess God knows what He is doing...
I certainly don't know.
I Want...
I ran across this on a site for gay men. I've made some editorial changes to remove some of the more graphic passages, but it pretty much sums up what I hunger for...here as I grow older. I turn 55 this year. Will I find this....really?
I WANT
I want to feel a man touch me again, to hold him close in the darkness, head resting against his chest as his heart slows, and his breathing rests and slows......
I want to feel what love is like one more time, and to remember that all consuming passion, I want to look in his eyes as we share intimacy.....
I want to look in his eyes as he shares deep intimacy with me, I want him to hold me tight and passionately and in that moment for us to be one.......
I want him to rub the stubble of his chin across my chest while he whispers a poem or words of Shakespeare to me.....
I want to ache for him in his presence and ache for him in his absence.....
I want to sit on a hill and hold his hand watching the fireflies around us.
I want to know every part of him....
I want him to need me like there is no other. I want to be his lover, his friend,,,,,,,,,,,,
I want to matter...
I want him to smell of his special cologne with his own unique scent that will make me remember him......
I want him to share my bed and entangled sheets, smell magnolia and hear those noises that go bump in the night......
I want his voice to be the last thing I hear before sleep sweeps over me at night and the first thing I hear as I stir awake in the morning......
I want to lay with him under a tin roof and hear the rain, lay in a creek naked and devour him,,,,,and shower together.....
I want him to hold my hand and watch a movie.....
I want to have a fine dinner and look across the table into the eyes of the one that I love totally......
As I grow older....I just want all these things....just once more.....
I WANT
I want to feel a man touch me again, to hold him close in the darkness, head resting against his chest as his heart slows, and his breathing rests and slows......
I want to feel what love is like one more time, and to remember that all consuming passion, I want to look in his eyes as we share intimacy.....
I want to look in his eyes as he shares deep intimacy with me, I want him to hold me tight and passionately and in that moment for us to be one.......
I want him to rub the stubble of his chin across my chest while he whispers a poem or words of Shakespeare to me.....
I want to ache for him in his presence and ache for him in his absence.....
I want to sit on a hill and hold his hand watching the fireflies around us.
I want to know every part of him....
I want him to need me like there is no other. I want to be his lover, his friend,,,,,,,,,,,,
I want to matter...
I want him to smell of his special cologne with his own unique scent that will make me remember him......
I want him to share my bed and entangled sheets, smell magnolia and hear those noises that go bump in the night......
I want his voice to be the last thing I hear before sleep sweeps over me at night and the first thing I hear as I stir awake in the morning......
I want to lay with him under a tin roof and hear the rain, lay in a creek naked and devour him,,,,,and shower together.....
I want him to hold my hand and watch a movie.....
I want to have a fine dinner and look across the table into the eyes of the one that I love totally......
As I grow older....I just want all these things....just once more.....
Life Continues...
Mom O'Lovey is home...and she is looking just as beautiful as ever. She is in good spirits and is planning to get better and working hard to follow all the instructions the doctors have said.
It's interesting to watch the family close ranks. Even my daughter is in on this. She gets all "testy" when I ask questions or say that I want to go visit. Yesterday she ordered me not to visit....but I decided I wanted to see Grandma. Everyone else had come by and I have sense enouogh to know not to wear out my welcome. The rest of them had been there all day.
So I made my appearance. Grandma greeted me warmly...and we visited. I am glad that I went.
I pray for the best....but given my parents' experience with Cancer, I am expecting the worst. I also am savoring every moment I can spend with her.
She is a dear lady.
It's interesting to watch the family close ranks. Even my daughter is in on this. She gets all "testy" when I ask questions or say that I want to go visit. Yesterday she ordered me not to visit....but I decided I wanted to see Grandma. Everyone else had come by and I have sense enouogh to know not to wear out my welcome. The rest of them had been there all day.
So I made my appearance. Grandma greeted me warmly...and we visited. I am glad that I went.
I pray for the best....but given my parents' experience with Cancer, I am expecting the worst. I also am savoring every moment I can spend with her.
She is a dear lady.
Friday, January 18, 2013
A Reflection
It's kind of strange and the time has flown by. But do you realize I have been writing here for seven years? Seven long years?
Almost 900 posts?
Amazing.
And here I am still writing.
But the truly neat thing about this is that I can go back here and read some of those posts. I can remember the pain. I can remember the uncertainty. But I can see the phenomenal growth of where I've been.
It is truly amazing.
Although I am not where I'd like to be, which is settled into a nice loving relationship with another man...and not hooking up with FWBs, I see that I am much more comfortable with myself as a gay man. I've come out to a number of people. A number of unexpected people have come out to me. I've made a lot more friends.
Life is good.
I'm constanly trying to make it better.
Almost 900 posts?
Amazing.
And here I am still writing.
But the truly neat thing about this is that I can go back here and read some of those posts. I can remember the pain. I can remember the uncertainty. But I can see the phenomenal growth of where I've been.
It is truly amazing.
Although I am not where I'd like to be, which is settled into a nice loving relationship with another man...and not hooking up with FWBs, I see that I am much more comfortable with myself as a gay man. I've come out to a number of people. A number of unexpected people have come out to me. I've made a lot more friends.
Life is good.
I'm constanly trying to make it better.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
The Perfect Man
It is no secret that old Frank here is hoping to find a special man or a mate one day.
A few things I keep in mind is that I am just me. There is no pretense. I am certainly no little twink looking for a sugar daddy. I'm not looking for a gym god or a man who looks like he just crawled away from a porn set in exhaustion.
Just a good guy will do. (This doesn't mean that I'm going to "settle" for anyone. I have some really high standards/expectations.)
I've had some interesting exchanges in the dating world with younger men who find me attractive. That kind of cracks me up. I mean...I am just me. From what they say, it just seems I am dripping with testosterone and sex appeal.
I want to giggle and say, "Who me?" The youngest man has been 19.
At 54, it just seems odd to be contemplating the dating scene with someone younger than your youngest child!
I've also dated some older guys. The oldest being in his early 80s...who drove a convertible with wrap around Ray Bans and snow white hair.
Realistically though, unless a phenomenal younger man wanders into my life and my hormones reach out and sing to his, I would be content with someone closer to my age give or take 10 years.
I've been warned by some of my friends that I should be especially aware of the takers that are rampant in the gay community. I would love to find a giver....a gentleman..., someone settled in his life, successful with a decent job. Someone not worried about anything other than enjoying each other's presence. Someone not looking for a fulltime live in immediately. Someone not already clearing the parking spot for my U-haul or awaiting the delivery of his crates at my townhouse in Virginia. Someone kind, spiritual, sensual and romantic. Someone not afraid to be romantic or do something dumb like sending me a romantic text message in the middle of the day. Someone who wouldn't mind a lunchtime quickie...or a weekend getaway. A man that would like to spend some time with me at my favorite haunts in Myrtle Beach SC all year round.
Someone willing to drive the Pacific Coast Highway from LA to San Francisco, CA and beyond. Someone to take a gay cruise. Someone to make love to and to be made love to by. Someone who could build a relationship with my kids and grandchildren and I, his. Someone interested in traveling back to my home state and meeting those relatives.
Someone to spend the rest of my life with.....and be willing to put time and effort into making a strong and healthy relationship. Someone to grow old with.
Someone to spend quiet evenings at home with.....or go to a movie.....or check out a museum....or a battlefield.....or the beach.....or a junk store.....or a classic car show.....or whatever.
Get the idea?
Well, old Frank here is open to a vairety of "types".....so if you know anyone in the DC metro area....point him in my direction.
I've been told I am a great catch.
I'm finally at the point where I have to agree!
A few things I keep in mind is that I am just me. There is no pretense. I am certainly no little twink looking for a sugar daddy. I'm not looking for a gym god or a man who looks like he just crawled away from a porn set in exhaustion.
Just a good guy will do. (This doesn't mean that I'm going to "settle" for anyone. I have some really high standards/expectations.)
I've had some interesting exchanges in the dating world with younger men who find me attractive. That kind of cracks me up. I mean...I am just me. From what they say, it just seems I am dripping with testosterone and sex appeal.
I want to giggle and say, "Who me?" The youngest man has been 19.
At 54, it just seems odd to be contemplating the dating scene with someone younger than your youngest child!
I've also dated some older guys. The oldest being in his early 80s...who drove a convertible with wrap around Ray Bans and snow white hair.
Realistically though, unless a phenomenal younger man wanders into my life and my hormones reach out and sing to his, I would be content with someone closer to my age give or take 10 years.
I've been warned by some of my friends that I should be especially aware of the takers that are rampant in the gay community. I would love to find a giver....a gentleman..., someone settled in his life, successful with a decent job. Someone not worried about anything other than enjoying each other's presence. Someone not looking for a fulltime live in immediately. Someone not already clearing the parking spot for my U-haul or awaiting the delivery of his crates at my townhouse in Virginia. Someone kind, spiritual, sensual and romantic. Someone not afraid to be romantic or do something dumb like sending me a romantic text message in the middle of the day. Someone who wouldn't mind a lunchtime quickie...or a weekend getaway. A man that would like to spend some time with me at my favorite haunts in Myrtle Beach SC all year round.
Someone willing to drive the Pacific Coast Highway from LA to San Francisco, CA and beyond. Someone to take a gay cruise. Someone to make love to and to be made love to by. Someone who could build a relationship with my kids and grandchildren and I, his. Someone interested in traveling back to my home state and meeting those relatives.
Someone to spend the rest of my life with.....and be willing to put time and effort into making a strong and healthy relationship. Someone to grow old with.
Someone to spend quiet evenings at home with.....or go to a movie.....or check out a museum....or a battlefield.....or the beach.....or a junk store.....or a classic car show.....or whatever.
Get the idea?
Well, old Frank here is open to a vairety of "types".....so if you know anyone in the DC metro area....point him in my direction.
I've been told I am a great catch.
I'm finally at the point where I have to agree!
A Very Long Day
I have had a very long snd stressful day here at my office overlooking a busy street here in Washington, D.C. Since I have approximately 45 minutes before I leave to go home and have a great dinner, I thought I would sit and write to all of you.
When I reread some of these posts I cringe. I know I made a pledge back at the beginning that said I would never try to gloss things over or airbrush myself. I certainly succeeded in that pledge. I honestly can't believe some of these postings.
I guess I could remove them, but you know....there may be some men out there undergoinig similar issues and in some way this might help them.
So I keep this blog intact.
I keep writing.
I keep sharing my deepest and darkest thoughts hopes and fears with all of you.
I really do appreciate your faithfulness at reading this. I can tell from the stats I see, there are a number of you who are a lot more faithful at reading all this than me at writing all this stuff.
I appreciate each of you tremendously.
I thank you for your comments....and your email.
So if you keep reading, I promise to keep writing.
When I reread some of these posts I cringe. I know I made a pledge back at the beginning that said I would never try to gloss things over or airbrush myself. I certainly succeeded in that pledge. I honestly can't believe some of these postings.
I guess I could remove them, but you know....there may be some men out there undergoinig similar issues and in some way this might help them.
So I keep this blog intact.
I keep writing.
I keep sharing my deepest and darkest thoughts hopes and fears with all of you.
I really do appreciate your faithfulness at reading this. I can tell from the stats I see, there are a number of you who are a lot more faithful at reading all this than me at writing all this stuff.
I appreciate each of you tremendously.
I thank you for your comments....and your email.
So if you keep reading, I promise to keep writing.
Frank Gets into Deep Trouble! LOL!
Due to the hustle and bustle of the holidays, I forgot to share with you how I got into trouble with Lovey during Christmas. I found it all amusing. Still it was drama! LOL!
Mom O'Lovey made it clear very early that at the annual family Christmas feast, scheduled for Christmas Day that she wanted me to be there too. As I alluded to in an earlier post, she and I have grown very close to each other and since I live only three blocks from her, I am always dropping by to make sure she is okay.
Lovey also said she wanted me there -- for her own reasons. This was in order to meet her new beau -- a fellow member of the clergy.
Since Lovey was arriving on Christmas Eve, my daughrers decided to invite her and her mom up Christmas Day morning to enjoy breakfast, then return to their house in time to greet the reverend upon his arrival.
As luck would have it, Lovey wound up inviting him too because he was arriving at her mom's house much earlier than planned. She asked if I would mind him coming to breakfast...at my house. It sort of put me on the spot...but I thought, what the hell. I figured it would make me look bad if I didn't...so there was no other way to WIN!
WELL. The girls caught wind of their mom's plans....and got very indignant. They had not met this stranger...and were appalled that their mother would do this! So, by the time I went to bed on Christmas Eve.....it would just be my daughters and I on Christmas morning for breakfast...which worked out best.
Christmas Dinner arrived. Lovey and family were all nervous about the new beau and the EX (translated gay ex), attending the same soiree! Perhaps they thought I would convert him? Who knows? It was funny. I was so relaxed and could care less if Santa himself made a guest appearance.
(I have to confess, it wasw quite funny to find myself under the mistletoe with him at one point. LOL! I wondered what might happen if I had put a MERRY CHRISTMAS LIP LOCK on him right there in front of God and everyone else.
Following dinner and fascinating discussions about what all he had done in College for Jesus.....(my bible thumping brothers in law were captivated), it was time to open presents.
There was the family picture. I stood by my children....and seated in front of me was he and Lovey! Looking at the picture, he and she were seated butt cheek to butt cheek on the sofa! He is about 5'8" or 5'9"....and is roughly 10 years older than me which would make him 64! He has been married twice before and has one child that he is estranged from.
Fascinating.
I then took a ton of candid photographs.... I managed to take a couple of pictures of he and Lovey seated together. They were innocent pictures.....no labels indicating how hot they were...or how hot they considered each other to be.....or that they were an item. It was just two people at a Christmas Party.
I was asked to post the pictures on Facebook...which I did. They had been in place for two weeks when I got this very urgent email from Lovey asking me to jerk the ones of her and him enjoying the party down off the Web. I did. But for the life of me, I couldn't figure out what the sensitivity was surrounding them.
Her explanation was oddd....something about no one knowing their relationship. How they don't know where it is headed (after 6 years)....how their personal lives should be a secret from everyone....blah...blah.
However she was explicit. I was to keep the entire family picture intact. This is the one featuring Lovey and Beau seated butt cheek to butt cheek on the couch.
Go figure.
So I took the offensive pictures down.
Just now I had the same thing to happen with Mom O'Lovey. I posted a sweet picture of her in her hospital bed wearing a funny hat and requesting prayer for her......oh my ANOTHER STATE SECRET! So, I jerked that down.
So, I am just getting in trouble right and left.
This has taught me a valuable lesson. No matter how helpful I will attempt to be in posting pictures of that family to share them with other family members throughout the country, forget it!
It's a state secret!
Mom O'Lovey made it clear very early that at the annual family Christmas feast, scheduled for Christmas Day that she wanted me to be there too. As I alluded to in an earlier post, she and I have grown very close to each other and since I live only three blocks from her, I am always dropping by to make sure she is okay.
Lovey also said she wanted me there -- for her own reasons. This was in order to meet her new beau -- a fellow member of the clergy.
Since Lovey was arriving on Christmas Eve, my daughrers decided to invite her and her mom up Christmas Day morning to enjoy breakfast, then return to their house in time to greet the reverend upon his arrival.
As luck would have it, Lovey wound up inviting him too because he was arriving at her mom's house much earlier than planned. She asked if I would mind him coming to breakfast...at my house. It sort of put me on the spot...but I thought, what the hell. I figured it would make me look bad if I didn't...so there was no other way to WIN!
WELL. The girls caught wind of their mom's plans....and got very indignant. They had not met this stranger...and were appalled that their mother would do this! So, by the time I went to bed on Christmas Eve.....it would just be my daughters and I on Christmas morning for breakfast...which worked out best.
Christmas Dinner arrived. Lovey and family were all nervous about the new beau and the EX (translated gay ex), attending the same soiree! Perhaps they thought I would convert him? Who knows? It was funny. I was so relaxed and could care less if Santa himself made a guest appearance.
(I have to confess, it wasw quite funny to find myself under the mistletoe with him at one point. LOL! I wondered what might happen if I had put a MERRY CHRISTMAS LIP LOCK on him right there in front of God and everyone else.
Following dinner and fascinating discussions about what all he had done in College for Jesus.....(my bible thumping brothers in law were captivated), it was time to open presents.
There was the family picture. I stood by my children....and seated in front of me was he and Lovey! Looking at the picture, he and she were seated butt cheek to butt cheek on the sofa! He is about 5'8" or 5'9"....and is roughly 10 years older than me which would make him 64! He has been married twice before and has one child that he is estranged from.
Fascinating.
I then took a ton of candid photographs.... I managed to take a couple of pictures of he and Lovey seated together. They were innocent pictures.....no labels indicating how hot they were...or how hot they considered each other to be.....or that they were an item. It was just two people at a Christmas Party.
I was asked to post the pictures on Facebook...which I did. They had been in place for two weeks when I got this very urgent email from Lovey asking me to jerk the ones of her and him enjoying the party down off the Web. I did. But for the life of me, I couldn't figure out what the sensitivity was surrounding them.
Her explanation was oddd....something about no one knowing their relationship. How they don't know where it is headed (after 6 years)....how their personal lives should be a secret from everyone....blah...blah.
However she was explicit. I was to keep the entire family picture intact. This is the one featuring Lovey and Beau seated butt cheek to butt cheek on the couch.
Go figure.
So I took the offensive pictures down.
Just now I had the same thing to happen with Mom O'Lovey. I posted a sweet picture of her in her hospital bed wearing a funny hat and requesting prayer for her......oh my ANOTHER STATE SECRET! So, I jerked that down.
So, I am just getting in trouble right and left.
This has taught me a valuable lesson. No matter how helpful I will attempt to be in posting pictures of that family to share them with other family members throughout the country, forget it!
It's a state secret!
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
My Week Got Worse: but for different reasons entirely!
When we last heard from Frank of Out of the Ashes, he was whining.
I mean REALLY whining!
Even though life can suck at times....and you feel sorry for yourself......and want to shout "Woe is me!", nothing prepared me for the turn my world took shortly after my last post.
As I went about my business, cleaning and trying to organize the mess known as Frank's House, my telephone rang. I picked it up and it was Mom O'Lovey.
She said that she had just gotten back that morning from a sleep study and when she awokee from a short nap, she had begun to spit up blood. Would I be willing to come and be with her as she tried to figure out what to do.
I zoomed down in my car.....and talked her into going to the emergency room. After spending 8 hours, we were told hat she had tumors in her chest. She is now in the hospital...will be there as they begin radiation to shrink the tumors. One is about to shut off airflow to a lung.
Scary stuff.
So, I am thinking about her. Please pray for her as much as you can. I have grown very fond of her...and love her dearly.
Will keep you posted.
I mean REALLY whining!
Even though life can suck at times....and you feel sorry for yourself......and want to shout "Woe is me!", nothing prepared me for the turn my world took shortly after my last post.
As I went about my business, cleaning and trying to organize the mess known as Frank's House, my telephone rang. I picked it up and it was Mom O'Lovey.
She said that she had just gotten back that morning from a sleep study and when she awokee from a short nap, she had begun to spit up blood. Would I be willing to come and be with her as she tried to figure out what to do.
I zoomed down in my car.....and talked her into going to the emergency room. After spending 8 hours, we were told hat she had tumors in her chest. She is now in the hospital...will be there as they begin radiation to shrink the tumors. One is about to shut off airflow to a lung.
Scary stuff.
So, I am thinking about her. Please pray for her as much as you can. I have grown very fond of her...and love her dearly.
Will keep you posted.
Monday, January 14, 2013
A True Funk
Yesterday I was in a true, deep and dark funk.
It should not have been that way. It's no one's fault but my own.
Still I was in a funk -- an old fashioned funk. It has been quite sometime since I have experienced one at that magnitude. Not since the days of Lovey and I have I felt that way.
First off, the day was not the best weather wise. The metro area was blanketed in a deep, thick, fog. On top of this, add a gray misty blanket to it all and you can sense the kind of day it was.
It was also my dad's 80th birthday. I remembered his last birthday -- two years ago. The hospital bed. His struggle to live. I found myself there all over again.
Gosh I miss him. As I got ready for church, I found myself in tears. Crying about his loss.....crying about the loss of my mom.....the mourning of their lives...and how important they were to me.
I got myself together long enough to head to church.
Long years ago when I set up this blog, I vowed that I would always be authentic. This is not, nor will it ever be, a puff piece that makes me look good. This is meant to be a journal of my feelings...and of my journey...formerly in a straight marriage....now as a gay man.
So here goes.
I think I shared a long time ago that I had been involved with a married guy during the last 11 or 12 years of my marriage. Lovey had even provided her blessing on that, and pronounced that I had excellent taste in men. This relationship served as a great stabilizer and in the words of that guy's wife, we were truly good for each other.
Following my divorce, he came to me one day to announce:
"I love you enough to let you go. We are now out of sync. You deserve someone full-time to be your partner. I can't be this for you because I can't leave my wife or my family."
I was dumbstruck. I told him that no one expected him to leave his wife. I said that I was not expecting that. I wasn't even ready for anything full time. Can't we just keep going as we have been?"
He answered no....and that was that.
Finito!
12 yers down the tubes in one fell swoop.
So I got to experience the double whammy of losing my wife....and the man that I thought had been my soul mate.
Not long afterwards, my parents' illnesses took center stage and so I put myself on the backburner to deal with another day.
Yesterday I dealt with their loss some more.
I also had to deal with my former lover.
He and I go to the same gay church. We see each other periodically. He is still married. His wife and I remain Facebook friends. It's alway warm and affectionate when when he and I see each other at church. Even though the romance has been long gone....seeing him has always conjured up good feelings.
Some well-meaning friends of mine had said that they thought he was seeing someone else. They had observed him playing footsie during church with a fellow congregant, etc. I made no comment.....or any observation. After all, it's not my business.
But yesterday...I saw it all firsthand....and it just added to my feelings of sadness....and yes, of failure. My two familiar haunts were back. Sadness and failure.... Sadness over the deaths of my parents.....and my miserable track record of maintaining or heck even attracting a relationship.
There they were....all close....all touchy.....all affectionate.
But I suppose the thing that hurt the most is that the guy that my former lover is now seeing is not a married man. He is not in sync with him. He is a single..gay man. Just as I was when I got dumped.
Because I deserved someone full time.
So I ran to my dark places of feeling unwanted...and unloved. What was wrong with me? Why wasn't I good enough to maintain what we had going for all those years? Why not me?
After all these years....old familiar feelings returned. Oh, it's silly I know. It's really not about me. It's about him.
But it added to the funk....
Today is my off day. It is cold and dark.
The funk is still with me...but thank god it's not what it was yesterday.
It should not have been that way. It's no one's fault but my own.
Still I was in a funk -- an old fashioned funk. It has been quite sometime since I have experienced one at that magnitude. Not since the days of Lovey and I have I felt that way.
First off, the day was not the best weather wise. The metro area was blanketed in a deep, thick, fog. On top of this, add a gray misty blanket to it all and you can sense the kind of day it was.
It was also my dad's 80th birthday. I remembered his last birthday -- two years ago. The hospital bed. His struggle to live. I found myself there all over again.
Gosh I miss him. As I got ready for church, I found myself in tears. Crying about his loss.....crying about the loss of my mom.....the mourning of their lives...and how important they were to me.
I got myself together long enough to head to church.
Long years ago when I set up this blog, I vowed that I would always be authentic. This is not, nor will it ever be, a puff piece that makes me look good. This is meant to be a journal of my feelings...and of my journey...formerly in a straight marriage....now as a gay man.
So here goes.
I think I shared a long time ago that I had been involved with a married guy during the last 11 or 12 years of my marriage. Lovey had even provided her blessing on that, and pronounced that I had excellent taste in men. This relationship served as a great stabilizer and in the words of that guy's wife, we were truly good for each other.
Following my divorce, he came to me one day to announce:
"I love you enough to let you go. We are now out of sync. You deserve someone full-time to be your partner. I can't be this for you because I can't leave my wife or my family."
I was dumbstruck. I told him that no one expected him to leave his wife. I said that I was not expecting that. I wasn't even ready for anything full time. Can't we just keep going as we have been?"
He answered no....and that was that.
Finito!
12 yers down the tubes in one fell swoop.
So I got to experience the double whammy of losing my wife....and the man that I thought had been my soul mate.
Not long afterwards, my parents' illnesses took center stage and so I put myself on the backburner to deal with another day.
Yesterday I dealt with their loss some more.
I also had to deal with my former lover.
He and I go to the same gay church. We see each other periodically. He is still married. His wife and I remain Facebook friends. It's alway warm and affectionate when when he and I see each other at church. Even though the romance has been long gone....seeing him has always conjured up good feelings.
Some well-meaning friends of mine had said that they thought he was seeing someone else. They had observed him playing footsie during church with a fellow congregant, etc. I made no comment.....or any observation. After all, it's not my business.
But yesterday...I saw it all firsthand....and it just added to my feelings of sadness....and yes, of failure. My two familiar haunts were back. Sadness and failure.... Sadness over the deaths of my parents.....and my miserable track record of maintaining or heck even attracting a relationship.
There they were....all close....all touchy.....all affectionate.
But I suppose the thing that hurt the most is that the guy that my former lover is now seeing is not a married man. He is not in sync with him. He is a single..gay man. Just as I was when I got dumped.
Because I deserved someone full time.
So I ran to my dark places of feeling unwanted...and unloved. What was wrong with me? Why wasn't I good enough to maintain what we had going for all those years? Why not me?
After all these years....old familiar feelings returned. Oh, it's silly I know. It's really not about me. It's about him.
But it added to the funk....
Today is my off day. It is cold and dark.
The funk is still with me...but thank god it's not what it was yesterday.
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