A True Funk

Yesterday I was in a true, deep and dark funk.

It should not have been that way. It's no one's fault but my own.

Still I was in a funk -- an old fashioned funk. It has been quite sometime since I have experienced one at that magnitude. Not since the days of Lovey and I have I felt that way.

First off, the day was not the best weather wise. The metro area was blanketed in a deep, thick, fog. On top of this, add a gray misty blanket to it all and you can sense the kind of day it was.

It was also my dad's 80th birthday. I remembered his last birthday -- two years ago. The hospital bed. His struggle to live. I found myself there all over again.

Gosh I miss him. As I got ready for church, I found myself in tears. Crying about his loss.....crying about the loss of my mom.....the mourning of their lives...and how important they were to me.

I got myself together long enough to head to church.

Long years ago when I set up this blog, I vowed that I would always be authentic. This is not, nor will it ever be, a puff piece that makes me look good. This is meant to be a journal of my feelings...and of my journey...formerly in a straight marriage....now as a gay man.

So here goes.

I think I shared a long time ago that I had been involved with a married guy during the last 11 or 12 years of my marriage. Lovey had even provided her blessing on that, and pronounced that I had excellent taste in men. This relationship served as a great stabilizer and in the words of that guy's wife, we were truly good for each other.

Following my divorce, he came to me one day to announce:

"I love you enough to let you go. We are now out of sync. You deserve someone full-time to be your partner. I can't be this for you because I can't leave my wife or my family."

I was dumbstruck. I told him that no one expected him to leave his wife. I said that I was not expecting that. I wasn't even ready for anything full time. Can't we just keep going as we have been?"

He answered no....and that was that.

Finito!

12 yers down the tubes in one fell swoop.

So I got to experience the double whammy of losing my wife....and the man that I thought had been my soul mate.

Not long afterwards, my parents' illnesses took center stage and so I put myself on the backburner to deal with another day.

Yesterday I dealt with their loss some more.

I also had to deal with my former lover.

He and I go to the same gay church. We see each other periodically. He is still married. His wife and I remain Facebook friends. It's alway warm and affectionate when when he and I see each other at church. Even though the romance has been long gone....seeing him has always conjured up good feelings.

Some well-meaning friends of mine had said that they thought he was seeing someone else. They had observed him playing footsie during church with a fellow congregant, etc. I made no comment.....or any observation. After all, it's not my business.

But yesterday...I saw it all firsthand....and it just added to my feelings of sadness....and yes, of failure. My two familiar haunts were back. Sadness and failure.... Sadness over the deaths of my parents.....and my miserable track record of maintaining or heck even attracting a relationship.

There they were....all close....all touchy.....all affectionate.

But I suppose the thing that hurt the most is that the guy that my former lover is now seeing is not a married man. He is not in sync with him. He is a single..gay man. Just as I was when I got dumped.

Because I deserved someone full time.

So I ran to my dark places of feeling unwanted...and unloved. What was wrong with me? Why wasn't I good enough to maintain what we had going for all those years? Why not me?

After all these years....old familiar feelings returned. Oh, it's silly I know. It's really not about me. It's about him.

But it added to the funk....

Today is my off day. It is cold and dark.

The funk is still with me...but thank god it's not what it was yesterday.