And Then There is (was) Zach...

Long time readers of this blog will recall that during the course of all the entries, I've discussed a man I call Zach. Zach, at the time, was the love of my life. He was married, as was I...the wives knew...and supported each other's presence in their husband's lives.

I never wrote much about him -- at his request...but it was a very sweet relationship and it lasted for many years! It ended when my divorce happened....because he felt we were out of synch... So over my protestations it ended. So in the spate of a few months, I lost my wife...and him. All this loss nearly put me under....but I buoyed to the surface....and survived.

He and I have maintained a warm relationship since. Not as close as before....but there are mutual feelings of affection and warmth that have endured the breakup. It even survived with the entrance of his new guy.

Still, I find that I care for this guy....although I keep a very respectful distance from him in social situations. We would see each other very frequently in a social organization we're both members of...until recently.

Something has happened now that has taken him from this organization....and it bothers me. I don't know why I should be bothered by it. His choices are his own. His life is his own. Something does not feel right in this departure. Perhaps its the strangeness of not getting to at least see him from afar...and to know that he is doing well. Perhaps its the uncertainty of not knowing whether I will see him ever again. You see, I have no reasons to cross paths with him now.

Is it mourning the finality of my loss of him. Gosh it has been many years...10 in fact, since the divorce/separation.

Am I codependent in some sort of weird way?

Aw...I'm trying to suck it up...and to realize that people come and go in our lives. Some departures are good. They provide a much needed respite from unnecessary drama they inflict on our lives. Others are painful...their departure cuts like a knife.....where you feel like your guts are going to explode. You wonder if you can handle the pain...

And then there is (was) Zach....