Father's Day 2015

Many of my gay friends find it interesting that I was in a "straight" marriage for over 25 years. They want to focus on the drama...the hurt....the depression....the thoughts of suicide -- all the negatives.

Their number one question is always, "If you could, and you could live your life over again, would you change it?"

In some respects I think I might...but then there is one aspect I would never, ever want to change...and that is the fact that I am the father of three wonderful human beings that would not have been here had I not married their mother on that crisp late autumn day in December 1981. If there could be a way for me to still have my children...but not have to contend with the drama involving Lovey...then, most definitely, I would make serious changes.

Like what?

Well, I would not have looked upon my gayness as an affliction or a curse. I would not have beat myself up and felt like such a sinner. I would have taken better care of myself...physically and emotionally. I would have fallen in love...perhaps committed to a good guy and just lived my days out quietly. I would not have allowed a pastor to take advantage of me sexually and then have him ban me from church. He was then "called" to the mission field overseas 3 weeks later. (I swear, I'm amazed that I still have a faith to cling to.)

At my current age, I feel like I'm at such a disadvantage. I mean, at the age of 57, the pool of possible men to date (which was already small to begin with) is starting to dwindle. I mean, who is going to find a 57 year old man with silver hair, diabetes, and high blood pressure, desirable? I try to keep an open mind...and remain positive...but with each passing day, it becomes increasingly discouraging.

So, I can't go back and change the unfortunate circumstances and drama that composed my life. The angst of coming out. The insecurities. The low self-esteem.

But I can thank God for allowing me to experience these negatives because I think the ending result is a deeply caring man who can empathize. A man that has an unfathomable reservoir of love for people. A man of deep faith. A gay man that has a virtually untapped capacity to love just one man.

I've landed on my feet. I have three wonderful children and three grandchildren. No regrets or concerns.

A number of my gay friends tell me that I am very blessed to have children...because the vast majority of them wanted children. Now that they are older, and their partners have passed away or they went through painful breakups, they now find themselves painfully alone.

I don't want to be alone emotionally. I need to have one person that I can share my love with. Unashamedly. Passionately. Bring him into my family. For him to experience the joy and drama of my children. For him to be my family.

The hunger I have for companionship comes from the fact that my own father died 4 years ago. As Father's Day dawned this year, I was thinking of him and my mother. As an only child, I feel like an orphan now that both are gone. It can be a very lonely place.

It would be nice to have a hand to hold....or a chest to burrow into at times like this. But I don't have that...and so I must continue forward.

I have children who depend upon me. I'm their Father and it's Father's Day 2015.