My Quest

As an out and proud gay man, I've certainly encountered some interesting people. I've talked to people who are straight who really don't "get it" that there are men who are alive and well that do not get aroused by some beautiful, blonde voluptuous female. Others like to make grand pronouncements about how being gay is not "God's Plan" for humanity. They think that the whole purpose of physical intimacy is for procreation and, well, because two males can't procreate, this somehow negates the entire relationship.

Then there are men, like one I work with, who seems totally fixated on certain aspects of gay relationships. This guy goes into really deep descriptions of certain body parts fitting into other body parts that weren't designed to be put together and how it makes him to want to throw up!

I think he protests way too much...and is too fixated on the activities that two men can share.

I've never quite understood what the hangup is about sex. Gay sex....straight sex.....or basically the concept of two people who like to get naked and please another person. After all, everyone alive or who has ever lived, is the product of people who have partaken of this activity. AND everyone who is alive, enjoys having physical intimacy of some kind...but some, especially, church people pretend that they have begotten children via some sort of miraculous birth process or immaculate conception.

I've just never understood that concept.

As a young teenager, I remember feeling like a stranger in my own body. My body was changing....and I started noticing members of my own gender. Certain of these guys would cause certain physical reactions. I felt dirty. I felt abnormal. But I noticed that I was actually no different in feeling the way I did, from how my other friends' were feeling about a "stacked" girl in our class. They would actually be quite graphic about what they'd love to do with her if they could only be naked with her. The only difference was that I didn't feel the liberty to express what I'd like to do with that hunky football player in the corner! LOL.

It was also during this time that I totally immersed myself in church work to curb my terrible thought life. I mean, the hormones were uncontrollable....and I walked with a permanent erection....it was stressful trying to conceal it. My goodness.

However, I was a member of a very fundamental Pentecostal denomination. (The Church of God, Cleveland, TN) During those years, it taught that there would be no mixed bathing.... Only boys could swim with boys...and girls could swim with girls. I thought it odd...that here I was...a gay man....having to swim with other men that I was attracted to....but men attracted to girls couldn't swim with them because it was evil! LOL.

It seemed that there was just this preoccupation with sex among the adults...and they would tell us how evil and sinful it was...but on Sunday, we'd here how beautiful sex was between a man and a woman "on the marital bed."

About this time of the year annually, we had a state "CampMeeting" usually at the state headquarters. Groups from each local church would attend for Bible Study....rip roaring evening services, with different manifestations of the spirit...miracles....and the like. But always in the back of the meeting place, the church book store would set up shop....and invariably there there were always books about sex....with pictures! During prayer I'd be looking through the books and learning about various positions for intimacy!

So, at this stage of my life...I finally understand that I'm gay. I understand that God loves me. He created me just as I am. He has also given me a tremendous gift. That is, the very strong and infinite ability to love someone of my own gender without shame....without guilt......and to love them unconditionally....fully....passionately. He has allowed me several opportunities to do so....and I can say that I understand how it is all meant to be for me.

But there are just so many folks with hangups....and strange ideas. They're consumed with guilt. Yet they hunger for naked, physical intimacy with another adult.

I hurt for those people.

But I guess each person is on their own journey to personal growth.

But I'm so thankful that I have grown... I just long for one special man. When I find him...you will here me laugh from the rafters....my joy will overflow. That's my quest.