Ray Boltz is True

In case you haven't heard, Ray Boltz, the successful Christian Artist who sang such hits as "Thank You", "The Altar", and "The Anchor Holds" -- to name a few -- blew the door off his closet's hinges almost two years ago to the world. His revelation has set fundamentalist Christianity on its ear and as you could guess, that community is all atwitter with comments about how he wasn't a true Christian, or "isn't it awful that he has chosen this godless lifestyle", etc.

I suppose since I have walked in similar shoes as Mr. Boltz, I don't see this that way at all.

I see a True Christian who has labored to be faithful to his Lord and to his family, but in the process realized that he was falling short of the image he thought he had to live up to.

Fast forward two years and we now have a brand new album by the artist, simply entitled TRUE. He's being true to himself and living authentically. He's being authentic to his family.

This authenticity certainly shows in the album. By far it is my favorite and it touches on real issues like being who God meant you to be; don't listent to those who accuse gay folks like us of having an agenda, when all we want is to be happy and free to live our lives and our dreams. He even touches on gay bashing and on guys who are "Queens."

In all honesty, I always found his earlier work to be over the top and filled with all kinds of Christian cliches. I also thought they were a little lengthy. With 13 tracks on the current album, I find this album too short and wishing it were longer.

Oh, I'm sure the naysayers are gonna continue to expend a lot of their energy thumping their Bibles and casting Boltz into hell. My response is, let God be God and let Ray be Ray.

Ray Boltz is the real deal. His new authenticity shows in his music....and the cover of the album shows him today (see above).....his eyes look alive....and he looks happy....and blessed!

The album TRUE is available for download through I-Tunes! Go get it....NOW!

Oil Leak

Ok everyone, we have all heard about that awful oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico that is threatening sea life throughout that area and beyond. It's a perfect illustration of how I have been feeling lately.

These past two months that I have taken off from this blog have given me plenty of time to reflect. You long time readers of this blog know the trauma and difficulty I experienced during the early days of my separation and then the awful divorce. At times, I literally felt like I was losing my mind. At the time I was accused of wallowing in self-pity...some readers suggested I simply "get over it!"

But, this was my life that I felt was crumbling. I felt wronged.

Many women wrote to say how offended they were with me because I could not see poor Lovey's (the ex wife) awful lot in this mess.

I got into tussles...and I went on the defense....and I got additional hurts.

But the good news of all this is it has been 5 years post separation and almost 3 years post final divorce decree and I'm okay.

Well, sort of.

Sometimes I feel like I am the Gulf of Mexico.....and the relationship I had with Lovey....and all that debris I have worked so hard to come away from is that awful oil spill. You see, occasionally a belch of blackness surfaces on my calm sea of moving on. It coats my entire being with blackness....and bitterness.....and profound sadness.

I then work hard to disperse it all. And then, after a while it's gone...until the next time.

I'm not sure what brought this latest belch of blackness to my surface. Perhaps it's the fact that the anniversary of the divorce is in a couple of days....or maybe it was because Lovey once again has inserted herself into my life this week.

I have so much I want and need to say to her. But I'm afraid if I do, it is really going to be nuclear. I have been holding on to so much....I am ready to blow sky high with it all in one massive explosion.

After much thought....it's not the fact that she divorced me that's the problem. I understand she exercised her right to do so. But several issues remain that have engendered deep bitterness, anger and hostility toward her.

1. We were married for 25.5 years. She knew of my struggles for 24.5 years. I tried my hardest to be the kind of husband I thought she needed. She was never happy. In looking back over that significant period of time, I can honestly say now, I never felt she loved me. I look around at married folk I know. I see the love in their eyes and their actions. Sadly, I never experienced it. What an indictment of my life!

2. She said repeatedly that the gay thing was not what did our marriage in. I must say that I agree. Finances were not good because I spent much money trying to keep us out of the red. She spent and spent and spent. I used credit cards to cover those expenditures. Not once did she accept any responsibility of this. But placed the blame with me.

3. Although she admitted that the gay thing was not the reason for our divorce, she set about hurting me in any way she could. She was vindictive. When questioned by our many friends at her church and they would say, "Why, Lovey, are you dumping Frank? He has been so good to you and is so supportive of everything you have ever wanted to do? Why now? After all this time?" Thinking anything else would make her look bad, she went on a rampage of outting me...and saying that I had made her life hell. Well, this gave her tons of sympathy....but a few didn't just let her explanation end there. They pressed and asked, "How long have you known?" When she responded by saying over 24 years...they just kind of looked at her...and withdrew completely from her.

4. As she neared her quest for ordination, she enlisted my help to videotape her serving communion at her churches. I spent two weekends with her doing just that. I edited the file and created DVDs for her to send with her paper work for ordination. Overall, I had spent well over 25 years supporting her quest for respect as a minister......and seeing that she had all the necessary stuff to be ordained.

In the end, I wound up being persona non grata at the ordination ceremony, and that hurt.

Bad.

5. I was accused wrongly of all kinds of apparent wrongs and never allowed to defend myself.

So.

It's not the divorce that has had me reeling for these years -- it's all the stuff she did in order to make herself look good and to save face during the divorce that hurt. The accusations that weren't true. The outright lies that were told. The picture that was painted of me that made it appear that I was a sinister gay man....wanting to live a lie.....wanting to have my cake and eat it too....duping Lovey into marrying me.......making her life hell.

Get the picture?

That image of me is not the Frank I am at all -- hence the anger....the bitterness....the hostility.

I am working to cap this oil leak of black, belching "stuff"...but like BP and the Gulf of Mexico, it's not an easy job.

A Milestone Has Been Reached

I am so amazed at the fact that I have reached a new level in my life. I seem to be experiencing peace. A very deep and settled peace...one as I have never known in all my 51 years.

Oh, there are brief interludes of bitterness.... Bittnerness about how my life has turned out. All my broken promises and dreams that have since dissolved into the ether.

Sometimes I'd love to turn around and kick myself in the behind for believing the bill of goods sent to me by society and all the homophobic churches out there in Christendom. I actually thought I could change. I believed that all I needed to have in my life was a beautiful loving woman...one who would stand beside me...hold my hand....accept me for my shortcomings and to help me change.

She was a minister. Everyone had a different view point of her. And I? Well, I thought that she would or could be the love of my life.

So, I married her. I accepted her for who she was. I tried telling myself that I could change. But, it never happened.

Everything I told her in confidence was later broadcast from the housetops. I wasted so much time with HER. I supported her....but was told I didn't. I worked myself silly so that she and the kids could be provided for....and in the end...she didn't care. She painted me with a broad brush that made me question my motives and my actions.

Oh my.

It's been a long time.

But now, I feel better.

After her blowup with me in February and I pronounced the situation "over" and that "I am done," I was reminded of that final scene in the movie TWISTER. You know where Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton are tied to outdoor pipes.....the building they are hiding in from the big bad F-5 tornado is demolished around them. They are almost sucked up into the tornado and actually look up into the funnel. The wind is howling....debris is flying everywhere.

They are in serious danger.

But as they look up...they see the light of sun. Suddenly the storm stops......and the funnel dissolves....debris falls from the sky for a few moments...and then the sun begins to shine. The family who were stuck in the storm shelter emerge safe and sound.

The house still stands...but it is battered...and windblown.

Life goes on...it rebuilds...

That's how I feel sometimes. I went through the eye of the storm....and suddenly the storm has dissipated. I'm left standing.

It's calm.

Birds are singing.

And I am feeling whole again.

This weekend that happened to me. Without warning. The clouds parted and I am reminded that I am left standing...in one piece.

I am sooooooooooooo thankful.

But I have heard from a few friends who are where I was....and it is just as hellish for them as it is for me. In my little way...I want to be able to help them.