I Must Be Clairvoyant!

All the stuff that I said about my son in my last post was on target.

Plain and simple.

He actually came home the morning of his scheduled flight to say that he had called the airline to find out the status of his flight. They said it was cancelled due to mechanical problems and that he would not be able to get out until the next day. He also had some 30 year old woman with him. (He is 24.)

This was AFTER I had spent 4 hours waiting for him -- 4 hours of leave that I could have held onto. Then he said that his flight left at 7:30 the next morning.

I was flabbergasted because I was being roped into driviing him to BWI (an hour away) so that he would be at the airport by 5:30-6:00. This meant that I had to be on the road at 4:30!

The sad part about all this is that when I got to my office on the original day he was supposed to leave, I looked up his flight....and it had left ontime.....and had arrived at its destination on time.

Did he think I was THAT stupid?

That evening I came home and blasted him. He got into his yelling mode....and I told him to shut up. I said that he was now an adult....and why did he feel it necessary to lie to me? "I didn't want you to yell at me for missing the flight!" he responded.

Still a kid.

It is all about him.

I told him that yes, I was angry that he felt he had to spin a yarn as he had in high school...when we are all adults. He's a marine for friggin sakes. He made me burn through leave that I am hoarding because I don't know what's going to happen with my parents.

He also lost the parking sticker that I gave him for the car he was driving during the time he was here. That's a $50 loss!

He always is wacky like this when he spends a lot of time with his mother and her family....and they put him down....

Like they all did this trip.

It angers me.

Frustrations of Being the Father to an Impulsive Son

My Marine Sargeant son is still a handful...even at 24. I am told by those who know about such things that boys are fully mature emotionally and mentally at about the age of 25. I certainly can't wait for that to happen. I've been awaiting this moment for many, many years now.

Our relationship has always ebbed and flowed. We adopted him in 1991 when he was five years old. He already had faced a lifetime of trauma and rejection by then, including something that manifested itself as psychosocial dwarfism. This is what happens when a child misses all of the milestones in early development because of psychological trauma. Because of these issues, the growth shuts down and the child becomes stunted physically.

In our case, we got him in the nick of time. And at that moment.....on the growth charts, he went through a spurt. He virtually caught up over the course of his first year.

Emotionally it has been an uphill battle. Sometimes are good....sometimes are bad. When I came out to him at the age of 16 or so, it was bad. VERY bad....and that was thanks to Lovey -- the victim. She always knew what was best about my issue. But it has exacted a toll....a heavy one that I hope he can outgrow!

So, when he comes for a visit, I never know what to expect. Except that if he has a lot of dealings with Lovey and/or her family, he really behaves erratically.

Sorry to say, this trip has been Lovey-centered....and I am forced to face the fallout. He has spent an inordinate time with his friends here...staying out at all hours....and not communicating what is happening. Last night, I was disappointed that he would not be spending the last few hours in town were not with me. But, I knew this would happen.

He wants me to drive him to BWI Airport this morning to catch is 12:15 flight, but it will probably end up badly. He will probably have one of his friends drive him....and I will have taken time off for nothing.

But I'm doing what I feel dads must do.....you make sure you're available.

Just in case.

Whoah Cowboy...!

I am afraid of doing something really stupid, like using a bazooka to kill a fly, when all that was needed is a fly swatter!

Oh, don't mind me. I always get this way and second guess my feelings and my approach to things when it comes to dealing with Lovey.

I heard from my military son yesterday. Lovey is funding his trip from Texas to here so that he can participate in his grandmother's 80th Birthday celebration this Saturday. Of course, this is her mother's birthday we're talking about....and this is another of those family gatherings that will be the source of much entertainment for days and weeks ahead. It always happens. Love and her sisters are into appearance and control. Grandma is too. So, imagine when the five of them are working to create the perfect social event of the century.

I think you get the picture.

My son was not interested in coming to this event in the first place. But Lovey is making him come. As a condition of her paying his way, he is flying into her area and spending two glorious nights with her. Then he is driving up here with her. He HAS to attend the birthday bash and he also HAS to attend church Sunday Morning with his mom, Grandma, and assorted others.

Poor guy. I know him....and this is going to be sheer torture.

Well, the spot where I am tempted at going nuclear is based on an email I received from Lovey this morning. Here's what it said:

"Frank - do you have room for the man to stay a couple of nights? I'm sure he will probably spend a few nights with his friends. I told him that I expected him at the party and at church on Sunday morning, July 18 (would you like to join us for church that morning also?)

Also, he will need a ride to BWI Airport on Thursday, July 22 for a 12:15 pm flight back to Texas. Are you able to help or help him make arrangements for this? (I realize you may not have the time to do this since you have your parents to care for more these days - could you perhaps help him out by getting him hooked up with the shuttle? I have to return home on Tuesday. I hope this is a good trip for him and not any inconvenience for you.

I'm glad you're coming to Mom's party. We will have an opportunity to get photos of our three and of each of us with them (and a couple of the five of us if you would like). Please bring your camera!

I need to get some sleep. Getting his plane ticked worked out so that it fit his schedule and my "budget" took a couple of hours, but I think he's glad to be coming.

I hope you are doing well.

Lovey"

Of course I will take care of my son as I always have! My daughter from Nashville is also going to be "home". So, this will be the first time in 5 years that I will have all my children under my roof at one time!! It is quite exciting for me.

Based on previous contact with Lovey I have seen innocent emails like this contain sub-text...and hidden meanings. It angers me. Given my track record with my kids over the past 26 years, why is it necessary to ask if a child of mine can stay at my place. Then, putting stipulations on his visit....well...I'm kind of frosted. The girls and I are not going to be at church on Sunday....we're headed to Six Flags in Maryland for the day! But now my poor son is locked into church.

I'm sure he loves that.

So based on these issues...and a lot of past history....my inclination is to explode....which will send her back to her therapist.....she would cry....and be the victim.

But, don't worry friends. I am going to soar above my feelings. I'm gonna be nice. I'm gonna enjoy my family....take tons of pictures of my 3 kids together...
Have a home cooked breakfast on Saturday morning at my table.

It just doesn't get much better than this!

Some Really Unsettling News

It is so odd, but in my little life it seems that whenever I think things are beginning to even out and finally I am able to focus on making some serious decisions about my life, WHAM...something else happens and it consumes a lot of my energy.

This time on Saturday morning I learned that my mom's cancer has returned. Then almost as an afterthought, she told me that my dad collapsed in the doctor's office just as she was going to see her doctor at his office. At first they thought he was suffering from a stroke or heart attack. After spending several hours in the waiting room, they determined that dad was suffering from dehydration. This is not a good thing for a man who is 77.

It really bothers me big time to see my parents age. I am also concerned by their poor health and to see what smoking has done to them. Two older people who should really be enjoying life have now been robbed of the good things because of their incessant smoking....that they have done over 60 years. It irks me. It makes me very angry.

Even now they continue to smoke....like chimneys. The smoke only keeps their lungs in a state of irritation which stimulates the cancer development.

I told mom that she and dad needed to think about moving in here with me. They are very defensive about that. They fear their independence will be lost.

And I understand.

But it wouldn't. They would still have their car.....and be able to shop and do whatever they wanted to do. The only catch is that I would be in the vicinity and be able to watch over them and to take care of them.

So who knows how all this is going to work out. Mother says that we should not begin to worry about things until we get the results back of the needle bipsy that is scheduled for Friday. The results should be back by next week.

It's a waiting game.

On a different topic....

June 20 came and went with barely a thought by me. For those of you who don't remember, June 20, 2006 was the date I feared with all my heart. It was the date that Lovey moved out of our house. I remember feeling devestated. It all seems so silly now.

But that is how I felt then.

My world was ending.

But in all actuality, my life was actually just beginning.

Here I sit....still here....and relatively happy.....except for the concerns for my folks. Life is pretty good.

I just need to remain positive and thinking about and counting all of the blessings I have experienced.

Tomorrow is a brand new day.

Remembering May 29, 2007

Well, today is my anniversary -- the anniversary of my divorce from Lovey. The neat thing about this is that I spent a great deal of time today busy with other stuff, and it only occurred to me that this is the day!

I have been a divorced man for 3 whole years!

I can hardly believe it. Time has flown by.

And I survived.

Oh, I still get twinges of the hurt....and the sadness.....but I have to say, I am in a good place now. This is in spite of the fact that I am alone....I have no special man in my life....and I really have to think about the fact of growing old alone.

This is certainly not the life I had planned for myself.

But then, I was such a Pollyanna. I thought that life always went to your plan. Oh, I believed that occasionally life threw you a curve, but that all in all, the destination would take care of itself...because after all, I had laid the framework and I would be okay.

I made no contingencies for life as a single man.....no contingencies as a single gay man.....no contingencies for being a single gay man with adult kids.

I thought I would grow old with the one person that I walked aisle with.....the woman I chose as my lifemate....in spite of the gay thing.

Man, I was wrong.

So here I am.

Today was a good day. None of my guy friends contacted me about any plans today to kick off Memorial Day Weekend. But, a host of my lesbian buds did. It was so funny to be the token gay male there in a sea of lesbians. But we all laughed and talked about all kinds of stuff. We all camped it up a bit. We had lots of fun just being together and relaxing with a grill cooked hamburger, chips, dip, macaroni and potato salads, grilled veggies....sodas....and then we made 'smore on the open fire.

Not a bad way to start the weekend.

It would have been neat to have a special man beside me....someone I could reach over and hold his hand.

Oh, it's the romantic in me I guess.

But, he wasn't there......and he's not here in my life tonight. So, the only man in my life is me. I am learning to like that....and take care of that relationship.

One of the girls said that she had learned in her life, that in order for her to be attractive to another woman, or to be able to be in love with another woman, she had to be attractive and love herself first.

I guess she is right.

I'm working to make that transition in my own heart as well.

For the longest time, I have had to deal with a poor self-image....low self esteem....shyness.....and my hyper sensitivity to rejection. That last one is still giving me fits. But I try.

So, as I get ready to jump into my bed, I have to remember that I am so much better off than at anytime when I was married to a woman. I am happier....I am more content.....and that I have grown immensely.

This does not mean I have arrived.

But I'm still on the journey.....learning new stuff about me...and my world.

Oil Leak

Ok everyone, we have all heard about that awful oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico that is threatening sea life throughout that area and beyond. It's a perfect illustration of how I have been feeling lately.

These past two months that I have taken off from this blog have given me plenty of time to reflect. You long time readers of this blog know the trauma and difficulty I experienced during the early days of my separation and then the awful divorce. At times, I literally felt like I was losing my mind. At the time I was accused of wallowing in self-pity...some readers suggested I simply "get over it!"

But, this was my life that I felt was crumbling. I felt wronged.

Many women wrote to say how offended they were with me because I could not see poor Lovey's (the ex wife) awful lot in this mess.

I got into tussles...and I went on the defense....and I got additional hurts.

But the good news of all this is it has been 5 years post separation and almost 3 years post final divorce decree and I'm okay.

Well, sort of.

Sometimes I feel like I am the Gulf of Mexico.....and the relationship I had with Lovey....and all that debris I have worked so hard to come away from is that awful oil spill. You see, occasionally a belch of blackness surfaces on my calm sea of moving on. It coats my entire being with blackness....and bitterness.....and profound sadness.

I then work hard to disperse it all. And then, after a while it's gone...until the next time.

I'm not sure what brought this latest belch of blackness to my surface. Perhaps it's the fact that the anniversary of the divorce is in a couple of days....or maybe it was because Lovey once again has inserted herself into my life this week.

I have so much I want and need to say to her. But I'm afraid if I do, it is really going to be nuclear. I have been holding on to so much....I am ready to blow sky high with it all in one massive explosion.

After much thought....it's not the fact that she divorced me that's the problem. I understand she exercised her right to do so. But several issues remain that have engendered deep bitterness, anger and hostility toward her.

1. We were married for 25.5 years. She knew of my struggles for 24.5 years. I tried my hardest to be the kind of husband I thought she needed. She was never happy. In looking back over that significant period of time, I can honestly say now, I never felt she loved me. I look around at married folk I know. I see the love in their eyes and their actions. Sadly, I never experienced it. What an indictment of my life!

2. She said repeatedly that the gay thing was not what did our marriage in. I must say that I agree. Finances were not good because I spent much money trying to keep us out of the red. She spent and spent and spent. I used credit cards to cover those expenditures. Not once did she accept any responsibility of this. But placed the blame with me.

3. Although she admitted that the gay thing was not the reason for our divorce, she set about hurting me in any way she could. She was vindictive. When questioned by our many friends at her church and they would say, "Why, Lovey, are you dumping Frank? He has been so good to you and is so supportive of everything you have ever wanted to do? Why now? After all this time?" Thinking anything else would make her look bad, she went on a rampage of outting me...and saying that I had made her life hell. Well, this gave her tons of sympathy....but a few didn't just let her explanation end there. They pressed and asked, "How long have you known?" When she responded by saying over 24 years...they just kind of looked at her...and withdrew completely from her.

4. As she neared her quest for ordination, she enlisted my help to videotape her serving communion at her churches. I spent two weekends with her doing just that. I edited the file and created DVDs for her to send with her paper work for ordination. Overall, I had spent well over 25 years supporting her quest for respect as a minister......and seeing that she had all the necessary stuff to be ordained.

In the end, I wound up being persona non grata at the ordination ceremony, and that hurt.

Bad.

5. I was accused wrongly of all kinds of apparent wrongs and never allowed to defend myself.

So.

It's not the divorce that has had me reeling for these years -- it's all the stuff she did in order to make herself look good and to save face during the divorce that hurt. The accusations that weren't true. The outright lies that were told. The picture that was painted of me that made it appear that I was a sinister gay man....wanting to live a lie.....wanting to have my cake and eat it too....duping Lovey into marrying me.......making her life hell.

Get the picture?

That image of me is not the Frank I am at all -- hence the anger....the bitterness....the hostility.

I am working to cap this oil leak of black, belching "stuff"...but like BP and the Gulf of Mexico, it's not an easy job.

Greetings All! I am Back!

Sorry it has been such a long time coming, but I have been one busy boy these last few weeks. My eldest daughter went off to The Hague, Netherlands to spend the month with her Aunt that has just moved there from Colorado. She returns tomorrow...and is thrilled beyond words to be returning to home. She has not had a super time with the Aunt, who happens to be Lovey's oldest sister. Lovey is the oldest, and this aunt is next to her in age. She means well, but comes across as selfish and grating at times. I have often quipped that she moonlighted as a part time test pilot in a broom factory to the chagrin of Lovey.

I digress.

So while the little girl has been gone, Old Dad has spent some time to himself....and actually doing some photography. One of my friends even volunteered to be my first male nude model. Don't worry, it's not those kinds of pictures. It's the kind that I have been working on and longing to do. These are actually artistic nudes. So, with his permission, I am running one here to get your feedback. He really is quite a nice guy....former military....and is struggling with his sexuality.

I have served as a friend/mentor -- nothing more. We share a passion for photography....and he really has taught me a lot and he says the same thing for me. We plan to experiment more with lighting and take some more nudes with professional lighting. So, I will see how these all turn out.

Additionally I have been dating. But then, the men I have dated all are fixated on those guys who are younger and buffer than I....so my virture remains intact.

There is, however, one man that has caught my eye....and captured my heart in the process. He has sent me some mixed messages....and I have sent him some more direct ones. But, I am not sure just where this will all lead -- if anywhere. My friends who I have discussed this all with say that I need to just lay my cards onto the table and see what his reaction is. I suppose I don't have anything to lose...and everything to gain. After all, love/attraction, etc. is a crap shoot and life is very short. Why waste time playing cat and mouse?

Right?

I just find myself feeling these incredibly strong desires to just hold him. I told one of my friends that this is not about lust...or sexual desire. Gosh, I would be happy just being able to put my arm around him and give him a squeeze....or to just hold his hand...or to just cuddle.

We will see....

Please keep your fingers crossed.

I've also included a couple of other shots of that basically sums up the theme of fall coming to Northern Virginia. Enjoy!

A Milestone Has Been Reached

I am so amazed at the fact that I have reached a new level in my life. I seem to be experiencing peace. A very deep and settled peace...one as I have never known in all my 51 years.

Oh, there are brief interludes of bitterness.... Bittnerness about how my life has turned out. All my broken promises and dreams that have since dissolved into the ether.

Sometimes I'd love to turn around and kick myself in the behind for believing the bill of goods sent to me by society and all the homophobic churches out there in Christendom. I actually thought I could change. I believed that all I needed to have in my life was a beautiful loving woman...one who would stand beside me...hold my hand....accept me for my shortcomings and to help me change.

She was a minister. Everyone had a different view point of her. And I? Well, I thought that she would or could be the love of my life.

So, I married her. I accepted her for who she was. I tried telling myself that I could change. But, it never happened.

Everything I told her in confidence was later broadcast from the housetops. I wasted so much time with HER. I supported her....but was told I didn't. I worked myself silly so that she and the kids could be provided for....and in the end...she didn't care. She painted me with a broad brush that made me question my motives and my actions.

Oh my.

It's been a long time.

But now, I feel better.

After her blowup with me in February and I pronounced the situation "over" and that "I am done," I was reminded of that final scene in the movie TWISTER. You know where Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton are tied to outdoor pipes.....the building they are hiding in from the big bad F-5 tornado is demolished around them. They are almost sucked up into the tornado and actually look up into the funnel. The wind is howling....debris is flying everywhere.

They are in serious danger.

But as they look up...they see the light of sun. Suddenly the storm stops......and the funnel dissolves....debris falls from the sky for a few moments...and then the sun begins to shine. The family who were stuck in the storm shelter emerge safe and sound.

The house still stands...but it is battered...and windblown.

Life goes on...it rebuilds...

That's how I feel sometimes. I went through the eye of the storm....and suddenly the storm has dissipated. I'm left standing.

It's calm.

Birds are singing.

And I am feeling whole again.

This weekend that happened to me. Without warning. The clouds parted and I am reminded that I am left standing...in one piece.

I am sooooooooooooo thankful.

But I have heard from a few friends who are where I was....and it is just as hellish for them as it is for me. In my little way...I want to be able to help them.