A Milestone Has Been Reached

I am so amazed at the fact that I have reached a new level in my life. I seem to be experiencing peace. A very deep and settled peace...one as I have never known in all my 51 years.

Oh, there are brief interludes of bitterness.... Bittnerness about how my life has turned out. All my broken promises and dreams that have since dissolved into the ether.

Sometimes I'd love to turn around and kick myself in the behind for believing the bill of goods sent to me by society and all the homophobic churches out there in Christendom. I actually thought I could change. I believed that all I needed to have in my life was a beautiful loving woman...one who would stand beside me...hold my hand....accept me for my shortcomings and to help me change.

She was a minister. Everyone had a different view point of her. And I? Well, I thought that she would or could be the love of my life.

So, I married her. I accepted her for who she was. I tried telling myself that I could change. But, it never happened.

Everything I told her in confidence was later broadcast from the housetops. I wasted so much time with HER. I supported her....but was told I didn't. I worked myself silly so that she and the kids could be provided for....and in the end...she didn't care. She painted me with a broad brush that made me question my motives and my actions.

Oh my.

It's been a long time.

But now, I feel better.

After her blowup with me in February and I pronounced the situation "over" and that "I am done," I was reminded of that final scene in the movie TWISTER. You know where Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton are tied to outdoor pipes.....the building they are hiding in from the big bad F-5 tornado is demolished around them. They are almost sucked up into the tornado and actually look up into the funnel. The wind is howling....debris is flying everywhere.

They are in serious danger.

But as they look up...they see the light of sun. Suddenly the storm stops......and the funnel dissolves....debris falls from the sky for a few moments...and then the sun begins to shine. The family who were stuck in the storm shelter emerge safe and sound.

The house still stands...but it is battered...and windblown.

Life goes on...it rebuilds...

That's how I feel sometimes. I went through the eye of the storm....and suddenly the storm has dissipated. I'm left standing.

It's calm.

Birds are singing.

And I am feeling whole again.

This weekend that happened to me. Without warning. The clouds parted and I am reminded that I am left standing...in one piece.

I am sooooooooooooo thankful.

But I have heard from a few friends who are where I was....and it is just as hellish for them as it is for me. In my little way...I want to be able to help them.