Monday Morning -- The Wee Hours

I have had quite a weekend so far. Saturday I was in the depths of despair. I was blue about my mother.....I missed my kids......I looked around my house and could see all the ghosts of my past life parading from room to room. I turned down several social engagements so I could just stay by myself and brood.

There is no other way to describe my feelings on that cold, gloomy, dark, drizzly fall day here in the Washington DC metro.

I actually sat down and went over in my mind all the bad things that have happened...or that were continuing to happen in my life. It wasn't pretty and I'm not proud to be sharing it.

But there you have it.

There were some other personal upheavals that I had to deal with on Wednesday evening late....but I won't go into all that. Suffice it to say that I have put everything back into perspective...and with the assistance of my constant companion, Davy, the wonder dog (cocker spaniel), I will survive another day.

This morning I went to church for the first time in eons. I felt really bad about having been gone....but between the work in my office...and going to West Virginia.....and having some private time, well, there just wasn't enough hours in the day. This morning I made it just in time for the beginning of the morning service. I got to see a number of my friends....and they all hugged me....and let me know that they were thinking of me.....and that they had been praying for my mom.

Their constant mantra was "Keep the faith...there is always hope."

This is what I am trying to do.

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I've thought a lot about the post I made last week where I talked about Lovey....and how alone I felt in dealing with my mom and my dad....and how at times I felt overwhelmed.

One of you wrote and asked if having Lovey back in her previous capacity would really make things better....

Honestly...the answer to that is no -- a resounding NO!

But after having read all the other comments, I think that one of the things that I am longing for more than anything right now is having someone who can be there for me during all the difficult days and months ahead. I would love to have someone who was available to "take care of me."

Aw...I'm not saying I'm codependent or anything as severe as that. I do wish I had a strong shoulder to lean on....or to sob into....or to have some very strong arms to entwine around me during those frightening moments of uncertainty. Someone that I can bounce ideas off of..... Someone to say, "I'm here. You're doing fine."

This would mean all the world to me.

But for whatever reason....it seems that I am alone. Even though I've had a few near misses lately.....of people expressing interest.....but then for whatever reason not following through......it seems that I am to face all these things alone.

I don't like it.

But what am I gonna do?

God knows.....why all this is happening.....and why....I am alone.

I'm Back!

Sorry to have been gone so long. I was in West Virginia checking on my parents. Then, I was caught having to work some erratic hours because of some pressing matters at the office and tonight, I returned from a 3-day conference in Baltimore with my office, only to return home and have to work on some office projects while trying to settle down from my trip!

Mom appears to be doing okay...considering all that she has had to endure thus far. She has grown quite frail.....and now her hair is beginning to fall out. She is keeping a positive spin on things and has gotten herself some snazzy wigs to make her keep her foxy appearance. She keeps her fingernails polished and she has decided to continue eating like a horse. She's not throwing up or anything like that. However she does feel a bit nauseated at times, at which point she takes her anti-nausea meds....and lies down.

Dad continues to be her number one care giver and he loves taking good care of her.

I just worry about them.

It bothers me because I'm not closer in proximity to where they live....or that I'm not able to swoop in on them more frequently.

At times I feel like this all is just way too much for me to handle alone. But what choices do I have?

I'm an only child.

My wife ditched me.

She doesn't even call my parents to check on them. (And she wonders why they don't want her to come to join us on holidays? This is another dramatic story that I will save for another time.)

I feel just so alone.

And it's all so very scary.

Dinner With Friends

Last night I had an impromptu dinner with two very dear friends.

Following a very long and stressful day, I needed to be around someone that cared about me....and where I could let down my hair.

So, I jumped at the chance to go and have fun for a few hours.

One of them, who hadn't seen me in a while, kept telling me how wonderful I looked. He detected a change about me. I kidded him and said, "See what a weekend with your EX wife can do for you!"

We all laughed.

But,I sat down when I got home and started thinking about what he had said..... I suppose I look different because I feel different about me. I'm relaxed. I'm not trying to prove anything to anyone. I'm just enjoying my life....and trying to figure out how to spend more time with my parents, my children and my friends because I appreciate each second.

My one friend kept me in stitches as he was recounting for my other friend about how much fun we had at the beach this past summer. Gosh, it was so good to laugh and think about those wonderful memories.

I pray that I have many more such memories to make.

Who knows? Next year I may be able to make some more wonderful memories with someone very special.

More on Ray Boltz

As a result of my posting yesterday of the Ray Boltz concert in Indiana from 3 weeks ago, I have had a substantial increase in the number of visits to this site. I also did a check to see where they were coming from...and as I did that search, I came across some really vile postings on other sites by so-called Christians.

Don't get me wrong. I am all for people being able to believe what they want. After all, this is the cornerstone of our government. But, it really does bother me to see these pious "saints" discussing a topic that obviously they have no first hand knowledge about....assuming that just because they are straight, God made EVERYBODY that way....then saying that people like Ray Boltz.....and (HORRORS) me.....are "doomed"....and that we are consumed by lust.....that we are deceived.....and one person on their wonderful site even went so far that Boltz now has mental problems. One lady even said he has hooked up with that "church that Troy Perry, the Pentecostal Snake Handler started."

God help me please!

Why must everyone get all vitriolic? And be so fearful?

So, I got all bent out of shape....and decided to write the attached note to the Christians out there. Bear with me....I don't mean to get all "preachy".
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An Open Letter To My Fellow Christians:

Look, there is nothing wrong with people like us following our natural programming to love someone who has likeminded programming.

There is NO agenda!

My loving a man shouldn't affect YOUR straight marriage. (Unless of course, your husband is another person like me who has tried to conform to societal norms. And he reaches the point of deciding to accept himself.)

Being homosexual is no more about lust than being heterosexual is.

There are extremes in the homosexual community just as much as there are extremes in the heterosexual community.

We are NOT out to recruit others!

We are NOT child molesters!

We are every day people from all walks of life. We work. We pay our taxes. We live our lives.

Why shouldn't we be permitted to have a partner in our lives that we can love, honor and cherish?

I'm Christian...just like you. I believe in Jesus and that He died on the cross for my sins. But where we differ is that while the Bible may be inspired by God, it does not mean that people who wrote the submissions that appear therein went into trances, then used automatic writing as God dictated it thousands of years ago, for me here today.

If you're gonna attack Ray Boltz about this issue....and accuse him of being mentally unbalanced.....or crucify him because of his divorce.....then give those hefty gosepl performers equal time because of their out of control eating.......or some of those singers' who have been married more than once......or other's problems with consumption of alcohol....or the straight preachers who have "girlfriends" and wives.

I, for one, am tired of being told about how bad I am....just because in my mid-life, I was forced to face my orientation...head-on. I am now divorced. All this flies in the face of what you've taught me all my life..... And after all the change ministries....ex-ministries....prayer....fasting......and demons being cast out of me.....God did not change me. I have accepted that.

And you know what? I finally feel that I am the man that God now wants me to be. He's confirmed that I'm on the path He has set before me.

So, in the end, your screaming and preaching at me isn't going to change me and all my screaming and preaching at you isn't going to change you. Let's just realize this isn't going away. It isn't going to change. But let's learn to live with each other and tolerate each other. Then, in the end, let's see what awaits us in the hereafter.

God is certainly big enough to decide....fairly....and justly.

And I can certainly live with that knowledge.

Can you?

Sometimes I Wonder....

Sometimes I wonder if I am too much of a nice guy.

Oh, I can be a real bear when I want to. I can get cranky....my temper can get the best of me.... If I'm not feeling well, that can cause me to be especially irritable.

But for the most part, I try to be easy going, kind, loving and gentle.

I guess that's why I wonder if I am too nice sometimes.

For example, this weekend Lovey wanted to film her serving communion at one of her churches, and her sermon, to be able to submit with her ordination paperwork that is due in mid-December. (Oddly enough on our 27th Wedding Anniversary to be precise.) So, she asked if I could help her.

I agreed to this back in the summer...and did it on the first Sunday in September. She was not happy with her performance.

She then asked if I would come up the first weekend in October.

I agreed to that too.

What's wrong with me?

I should know better.

Being with her like that is emotionally draining. It's like picking at an old sore. It never heals.

So, today I return to the office., having spent a busy weekend in the Shenandoah Valley of Virginia and awakening this morning a bit drained emotionally. AND..haunted by the might-have-beens. I was reminded once again of all the plans I had made. You see, I turned 50 this year, and I had planned to retire early and to move to where she was in ministry....get a job....and just live my life as a support to her and her ministry. But now, because of the divorce, I'm gonna have to work another 20 years at least to recoup what the settlement cost me in my retirement.

I reminded her of this plan during one of our more serious conversations. (She said she had forgotten.)

The insidious part of being gay is the fact that you try so hard to change.....you do everything you know to play by society's norms..... What's the result?

Failure!

From the start.

Colossally so.

Then I am forever haunted by it.

I was surfing the web the other day and came across a Ray Boltz concert from about 3 weeks ago that was video taped by Jesus MCC in Indiana. It was the first concert he gave since coming out...and it has really spoken volumes to me...in a spiritual way. He does a song entitled "I TRIED" that sums up my feelings and the thoughts I have dealt with. I can't wait for his new album...hopefully that will be on it. Give it a listen. The link to the entire concert is below...but listen for I TRIED. All his music is fantastic....even the old songs like THANK YOU......and THE ANCHOR HOLDS. Enjoy!


Ray Boltz in Concert from Jesus MCC on Vimeo.

Another Busy Day

I like busy days at the office. It makes the time go by quickly and I feel like I have accomplished stuff.

I absolutely despite the days where there is nothing for me to do. It seems like the day will never pass....and I feel guilty when I'm not doing something worthwhile.

But this was not one of those days. I have practically worked nonstop all day long.

On the personal front, it's a bit interesting in that I have not heard a peep from the celebrity that I wrote of two postings ago. No simple "Hi" or "How are things going?"

My brief notes of "How are things?" are ignored.

So I try not to let it bother me. But on some levels it does.

Oh well.

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On another front, that gospel singer who came out, Ray Boltz, has apparently shook up things in the rabidly evangelical Christian Community. I did a google search on his name...and got a sermon entitled, "Is Ray Boltz Going to Hell?"

I find this sermon so stupid. The unidentified preacher (and if I had preached such a message, I would not want people to know I had preached such a sermon myself.) opened with a comment (I paraphrase), "I don't know Ray Boltz, and really don't care about his life, one way or the other..." Well, sir, if that was the case, then why did you spend 45 minutes talking about him to your church congregation?

Folks are so good at demonizing us gay folks. They harp on the "sin of homosexuality"....and eliminate us from their ranks whenever possible. But did anyone ever preach about the "sin of gluttony" or title sermons, "Is Vestal Goodman Going to Hell?" just because she was fat?

Aw c'mon everyone.

Let's allow God to be the righteous judge that he is. He will judge fairly.

To Get You Caught Up on My Mom

Mother has now had three chemo treatments.

She went to the beauty parlor on Saturday and decided to get all pretty.... She had her hair cut and styled. She said, "If my hair is gonna fall out, it's gonna hit the floor in style!"

On Monday, she got up.....painted her finger nails (they're long and pretty) bright red.....she put on her OIL OF OLAY....(She said, "I don't want to get all shriveled up like Tammy Faye."), put on her diamond ear rings and went for her first trip. They gave her two bags of chemo drugs, followed by anti-nauseating meds. On her way home, she stopped by Wendy's and ate a large chili.

On Tuesday, she got up, felt foxy. Got her self all prettied up again.....went...and had her two bags of chemo. Asked the technician, "How does the medicene going into my right hand know to go to the top of my left lung to get the cancer. After all, there's nobody there giving directions!" The technicians were amazed that: a) she was not sick or anything from the chemo and b) that she has such a wonderful sense of humor! She went home that day and did laundry.

On Wednesday, she got up, felt foxy. Got herself all prettied up again....went and had her two bags of chemo. Every place was taken and she was surrounded by bald, sick people that "looked like they were ready to check out," she said. Their color was bad and just seemed so miserable she said. So there she was....with her red nail polish, her tastefully appointed lipstick.....and she sat and relaxed. She got two more bags of chemo. When done, she got up...and they stopped by a restaurant where she got herself a pepsi and had a hot dog with onions! Just then her physical therapist came for her final appointment. Mom walked her all over the house and even went up the steps to her second level....and did so with one foot right after the other...not one step at a time! Keep in mind that she had her hip replaced just six weeks ago and she is 74 years old! The therapist could not get over how well and fast she has recovered and that she is tolerating the chemo so well.

She called to tell me all about her adventures ....and the fact that she is so thankful at feeling so well. She's giving all the credit to answered prayer!

Thanks for your loving support, warm thoughts and heartfelt prayers on her behalf...and for keeping me encouraged!

We Gay Men Are Sooooooooooo Fickle

Okay...I'm a 50 year old guy. Some twinks out there hear this and immediately would describe me as an "old troll".

Honestly I understand that.

After all, I'm not a gym bunny....I don't have a bubble butt......I don't have porn star looks....

But, in all honesty, I seem to be able to hold my own. There have been many handsome men who have floated through my life.....and my bed.

However, there is a certain caliber of flaky gay guy out there that I have never been quite able to understand.

Let me explain.

I enjoy people. I love to get to know people and learn from them. I also enjoy seeing the world through their eyes...and I strive to be a friend. This is because I know how difficult it is for some people to reach out....because I was there.

I have made a number of friends online....and they talk about the importance of friendship. But what amuses me most is that if there is no kind of attraction...some of them prefer the term chemistry....then there will be no friendship. NONE. NADA.

I have said to some guys, "Oh, I get it. You only have friends that you want to sleep with!"

They become indignant, but it's true.

Why is it so in the gay world?

I just don't know.

Recently I made what I thought was a good potential friendship with a well known personality in some circles. Sadly, when it became evident several years ago that he was in fact gay and he lost his family, he also lost his livelihood....and friends.

Through a various chain of events, he came into my sphere...and I began a correspondence with him. He bared his heart to me. (Since I was not a fan of his....and had been unfamiliar with him in his heydey....I made it clear that I was not starstruck....and that I wanted nothing from him....other than friendship.)


So, as a sign of trust and friendship....and because I knew what he looked like, I thought it would a nice touch to send a picture of me with my kids. This way it would make me seem more real....more human....and he could know that I was a genuine friend.

Boy, was I surprised.

The picture must have scared him to death because I've not heard from him since I sent the picture.

I guess I'm just another victim of..."I can't be friends with anyone I wouldn't want to have sex with!"

Another potential good friendship......down the tubes!

Wednesday Morning

I awoke this morning well before dawn.

It's one of those days where I felt like the weight of the world was sucking the life right out of me as I lay in my bed. It's hard to describe....but that's why I woke up so early.

So I used the time to send some email to friends....and to just pray and meditate. Right now I'm feeling better....and actually I don't have any reason not to be encouraged. Mother appears to be doing fine....Dad is fine....and all my children are well.

I just get kind of critical about myself...and pick at all my little flaws...and wonder why I am the way that I am. I guess this is the evil of being perfectionistic...because I want to be perfect in all my ways.

Hopefully today will be a good one.

UPDATE: Mother and Chemotherapy

Today was treatment #2 of 14 for mother.

She just called....all breathlessly excited.

She wanted me to know one important fact: she was still sitting and waiting to become sick and feeling rotten!

Over the weekend she and I talked a number of times. She was upset about the impending chemo...and worrying about what it would be like. By nature, she is a fighter and the eternal optimist. So on Saturday she went to the beauty shop and had her hair cut...and styled. She said that if her hair is going to fall out, it's gonna look good when it does. She painted her fingernails red....and shows up for her appointment all dressed up and in fine spirits.

She was in the midst of doing laundry when she called just now.

Gosh I hope and pray that this is not a negative experience for her and that she winds up feeling decent during the whole thing. They say she will be done by Thanksigiving. They're going to be monitoring her blood count closely....and doing some scans to see how the cancer is responding to the chemo.

I appreciate all your positive thoughts and prayers for all of us!

Private Longings of a Lonely Gay Man

Days like today are so tough.

It was rainy and gloomy the majority of the day. However, during early evening the clouds seemed to part and the blue sky appeared.

But nothing happened to improve my mood.

I spent my entire day cleaning the house and shampooing carpets. I want things to look half-way decent when the daughter from El Salvador comes for a visit. So we'll see.

As I went about my day cleaning, running the dishwasher, and just doing a multitude of chores, I couldn't help but think about my life and how far I have come. I'm pretty happy with how things have turned out. And those fits of sadness that used to do me in seem to have vanished for the most part.

However, left in its wake is a very strong need to connect with someone. Intimately.....emotionally....physically.....and just be in someone's presence who will just at times be there for nothing more than to hold me. OR....someone to let me lie down next to after a long day.....or to nap with on a lazy rainy Saturday or Sunday afternoon.

Oh I have said this a number of times.

You get the idea.

Spent some time with Mr. Office this afternoon. (Yeah, him!) Would you believe more mixed signals? The big lingering hug.....the peck on the lips......this time he snuggled up next to me as we sat close to one another......and then he turned and tried to tickle me. I'm not ticklish. But I turned around and did the same to me. For a few short minutes, I rested my head onhis shoulder.

It felt so right....and I felt so complete.

But there was nothing more from him. Nothing to encourage me to keep it there for long.........he didn't rub my neck....or run his hand through my hair. Nothing endearing.....nothing affectionate...really...

So, when we parted company this evening, it left me with a sense of sadness....of longing......of some emptiness.

Why are there such mixed signals with him? Is he playing me? Is he really trying to drive me crazy?

But I refuse to push it. I need the other guy to be the first one to make the move. I'm tired of doing that....only to do something silly....or to put my foot in it.....or make guys feel really uncomfortable.

I long to be held....to be someone's special someone.....to have someone come up and hold me....or kiss my cheek....or to feel like I can talk about anything....or say anything without someone correcting me or rebuking me as Lovey used to.

Maybe one day it will happen.

I need prayer..

30 Years and an Update from Mr. Office

I was summoned to the agency's Chief of Staff's Office yesterday afternoon!

It scared me for a moment because I wondered if I had screwed something up...or made someone mad....or did something not so good.

As I traveled up to the 9th Floor in my building, I ran all kinds of thoughts through my mind and as I reached the double doors of the Chief's outer office, I realized that I had done nothing wrong.

So, what could he want to see me about?

When I got into his office, he had this big grin on his face. He said, "Frank, you've been in government service for 30 years and I have some tokens to give to you for your career milestone."

With that, he walked over to his credenza and gave me a brand spanking new, shiny golden Bulova wristwatch with my name engraved on the back! I also was given a framed and matted certificate, a personalized letter from the head of the agency, and a golden eagle lapel pin!

Thirty years!

It's amazing to me.

But, here I am. At times I feel like I am as old as dirt. But, I'm still alive and kicking.

I'm actually thankful that I'm in such good health and spirits.

My name was also published in the agency newsletter citing my milestone. And wouldn't you know, Mr. Office sent me a congratulatory email!

He told me how much it made his day for me to be in his life.....and to know tht I'm around.

I saw him earlier in the week too....and got the holding hug.....and the kiss.....

Mixed signals galore....but I'm choosing to ignore them unless they become more pronounced.....and to take them at face value only.

He's a neat guy.....I think we'd be great together.......but that's just my thought.

Only he knows his!

Another One Comes Tumbling Out...

Times are a changing for sure. This time Clay Aiken, long-rumored to be queer, finally has admitted in a national magazine that he is in fact, gay.

Folks seem to be taking it well.

Good for him.

It’s all about being authentic folks.

Have You Heard The News?

Gospel Music Great, Ray Boltz, who has won countless Dove Awards and sold 4.5 million albums announced last Friday that he is gay. The news has set the evangelical Christian Community on its ear with many Web sites vowing that he is going to hell, and debating whether or not that God made him "that way."

I was amazed to hear this news myself. But then, given my story and my background, I know that it can happen to anyone. We all have our own paths to take and many of us choose to deal with this issue in a host of different ways. Sadly, those in Christian leadership who come out or who "fall" into this "temptation" are crucified, shunned or sent through the trap door directly out of Christian mainstream. (Just ask Ted Haggard.)

I've asked this question millions of times..... Why must Christians always shoot their wounded, eat their young, and kill those who are different. Why are Christians so afraid of homosexuals?

I proudly am a member of a very gay friendly congregation in Fairfax, VA. Yesterday at lunch I met three very young people. One was a 15 year old girl who identifies as an atheist...and she comes from a muslim background. The second was a young man who was 17 years old and is struggling to accept himself in spite of the fact that "God hates him." The third is a seasoned 20 years old who comes from a small town about 90 minutes away.

I was especially struck by the 17 year old who is genuinely suffering from the stigma of trying to be Christian, but still dealing with his "issues." I found my paternalistic nature rise up...and I dold him that God loves him more than he can imagine. That he should stop listening to all the noise around him and hearing what those other voices have to say about it and to tune into what God has to say. "You will be quite surprised," I said.

I am confident that God is grieved by all that is done in his name. The judgments pronounced; the hatred espoused; the laughter and mocking that is done. When will the Christians of all people learn to just let God be God. Let Him be the one to hand out judgment. Let people love who they want to.

Everyone gets their panties all knotted about this issue. No one is trying to turn anyone else gay. There are no massive gay agendas. We are not out to molest children.

We are adult men and women who should have ther right to express our love in a mature way with other adult men and women who have the same orientation. Plain and simple.

Everyone in Christian music: settle down and breathe deeply and relax. Ray Boltz has the right to live authentically, even in spite of the fact it may be contrary to your pretty little picture of how you think it should be. He is still the same man he has always been: the gifted and talented singer/songwriter/parent/man of God that he was created to be.

The only difference is that he is now able to live fully as he was meant to be. He's more peaceful. He's not tormented and he probably is finally off the antidepressants and is not sucidal.

My hat's off to you Ray. You're on a journey my friend. May you be able to enjoy the roses along the way

An Interesting Discussion

I've been a member of several online support groups for many years now. They have given me an outlet to express my frustrations and also to make a whole host of friends who are struggling with the issues I have and are currently facing. They are a tremendous source of strength and affirmation. I could not have made it without them!

In one of the discussions yesterday, I made the comment that I was looking forward to the day that I would have a special man in my life -- one that I would be faithful and monogamous with because I feel that I have a lot of pentup emotions that I will one day be free to express with "him."

I was rather taken aback by one person's response to me. He said that the mistake that a lot of ex-married men make is to try and have a monogamous relationship with a man. It's generally the kiss of death in such relationships and he advised that I seek an open or semi-open relationship. After all he opined, the real reason for a monogamous relationship is so that you can "bareback."

Well, this ignited a firestorm in the community. I was pleasantly surprised by the number of men who felt that a monogamous relationship was possible in a gay relationship....not for barebacking....but for emotional intimacy.

It was very interesting to see the various guys' take on the whole topic of monogamy. There were a good number though, who agreed with the "open" concept....so both sides were discussed very freely.

Perhaps I am a bit old fashioned here...but for me...it eems that if you throw open the boundaries of a relationship and allow it to be open like Grand Central Station, it negates the closenss and specialness of having ONE person in your life. Besides, I'm getting older and just don't have the energy to juggle multiple relationships.

So is it possible for gay men to be committed to only one person? I know a number of such relationships at my church and they are an inspiration to me.

Why do you suppose that a lot of men within the gay community have to have multiple partners in order to be happy?

My Secret Crushes: An Update on Mr. Office

Well, I heard from him today. He's been super busy with his job....and with all things that he is involved in. He sent me several emails...and none of them are something to write home about. So, I think I see where his interests lie...and I don't think they lie with me.

But, these days I seem to be in a different place than I was a month or so ago. I suppose when faced with a parent's mortality, it kind of puts your life into perspective. You see what is really important.

Romance is no longer at the top of my list. So, Mr. Office, while pleasant to look at and to spend time with....well, I just feel an emotional detachment from him.

Oh well.

So I'm not sure where I'm headed. I'm just trying to enjoy the journey and to not focus so much on the destination.

And Now It's Time for a HAPPY DANCE!

Mother had a doctor's appointment this morning. It was there that she would learn the results of her bone scan, her brain scan, and her PET scan. (For the unlearned, PET stands for Positron Emission Tomography.)

I dreaded hearing the results....because this morning I woke up in one of "those" moods where everything seemed wrong and the world is ending and I feel totally out of sorts. But around 10:30, I swallowed my fears and called mom to find out what had been told to her.

She answered the phone in a very chipper and happy way. She said, "The doctors have all agreed that my case is not nearly as bad as they at first thought!"

She certainly had my attention.

She went on to say that she was told that all these exotic tests revealed that her cancer was concentrated in the hip -- the one that broke. There was just a very small...teeny...tiny....spot on her left lung. But there is no evidence of cancer at any other place in her body! They are using radiation aggressively to kill those cancer cells that are in the hip....and they plan to follow up with chemotherapy for the lung. They may actually go into the lung and cut out the spot. But we will not know for sure until tomorrow when Mother visits with the oncologist.

She's happy.....and walking without the walker..... She is only relying on a crutch or a cane at the moment. Other than the weakness caused by the radiation, she says she is fine. Doubly so now that they have told her the good news.

I guess it ain't over until it is over!

So in the meantime, I'm gonna count my blessings.....talk to my mom as often as I can....and go visit her when possible.

And savor the moment.

A Few Days Away

A church buddy of mine took pity upon me near the end of last week.

He said, "Frank, you've been under a lot of stress and strain lately. How about going with me to the beach with me for a few days. You don't have to do a thing but just rest and relax and do what you want to do."

So, we loaded up on Saturday afternoon and traveled to that beach community. It also so happened that they were celebrating GAY PRIDE that day. You see, the community is very gay friendly and has many, many business catering to the gay community. Rainbows are everywhere. They even have several gay areas on the beach and I got to watch all those gay boys frolicking and having fun EVERYWHERE. They were running, and playing on the beach, frolicking in the waves, playing volleyball! Take a look at the fine young specimen here. How would you like to have that walking up on your porch every night. It just did my heart good to see such fine representatives of gay AMERICA.

Another day, my friend and I biked almost 6 miles. Keep in mind now that I'm an old fart...not used to biking so much.....but I did it without any problems.

Last night was the perfect sunset. Check out my picture of it. Oh, it was bliss....and then I had to come back home tonight.

But, I must say, it is good to be back here...in my place.....alone even.

I looked at all those gay boys......and wished I had their youth.....their bodies.....their looks.....and their partners. But I guess I'm learning to be content with what I have......and that I always have me -- the ultimate partner.

I suppose it could be worse.

September 11: A Story of 2 Anniversaries

September 11 has been in the news a lot today.

This is the seventh anniversary of that awful day where so many innocent people lossed their lives at the hands of 18 foreign maniacs. It was such a horrible day...and I remember it so vividly.

I was working at my office in downtown DC. I had gone in late that morning because Lovey had left the house and had taken my car keys with her. Thankfully, Mom O'Lovey had a set of our keys and I had to wait for her to bring the keys to me. I was caught in traffic that morning and sat in front of the Pentagon for a long while and then finally made it to my office about 30 minutes before the plane hit the Pentagon. I had been at the office for only about five or so minutes before the planes began hitting the World Trade Center.

When the planes had crashed, I called my children's high schools to let them know that their parents were okay and to not worry. The government shut down very early that day. Gridlock was everywhere. When I got home, I was glued to the television and watched Peter Jennings and saw the footage of the plane crashes....over and over and over and over again.

It was a very bad day.

One that I won't soon forget.

There is another side of September 11 that is a monumental anniversary. You see, on September 11, 1978, I began my career in the federal government. That was 30 years ago! I had just turned 20 years old.

I look back...and I was filled with so many dreams....and hopes.....for the future. I can't believe how naive I was. I was a Pollyanna. I thought I knew everything about my world....and about my future.

I never dreamed that I would live as an openly gay man....or that I would marry and divorce and have three beautiful children.....or still be working in the same office that I began in.....but after many promotions later.

Or...that I would be facing my parents' mortality alone.

Or that I would have experienced the joys and the mountain highs......the pits of despair and valley of fear and loneliness.

But here I am.

I'm still here 30 years later.

Time to Catch Up

It seems like it has been ages since I last posted.

I apologize to all of you for not posting but it has been hectic and I've just been trying to get my arms around the issues I now face.

Mother has been working to get used to her new hip. She has still been surprising her physical therapists and her doctors with her progress. In the next couple of days she will move from using a walker to using a cane. She has been going up and down steps. I'm very thankful that she is improving daily.

She is undergoing daily radiation treatments. So far the only thing that she is experiencing from that is that it is causing tremendous fatigue. Once she's done with her 14 radiation treatments, she will undergo 14 chemo treatments which will cause her hair to fall out.

I have heard that chemo can really be vicious. So, I am really concerned about it for her.

Last week she underwent a bone scan. So far no word on the rsults of that test. Today she had a PET SCAN and she will get the results of that tomorrow. That test wll give an idea of what the cancer is doing in the rest of her body. So, I am nervous.

How is Frank doing you may ask.

Well, I'm handling things okay. The shock of things has settled a bit. I am guardedly optimistic.

As a result of this, I've learned that I have a strong network of friends who are concerned about me.....and who have surrounded me with love and prayerful support.

On top of this, my love life is still in a holding pattern of longing, crushes, and mixed signals.

This past weekend, I had an extended visit with Lovey at her home. She's undergoing her own drama with her churches.

I went there to videotape her sermon for her credentialing process. We had some serious discussions and I was able to get some things off my chest. I got the impression that she has second thoughts now about the divorce... But I'm not wanting to get back with her. However, this exercise at least allowed me to make some valid points and it allowed me to put some things to rest.

So, my life is far from dull.

I will try and get back into the swing of writing more often now.

Thanks for bearing with me.