Who said being gay and trying to date is boring?
Well, I was all excited about "John." He was perfect...in so many ways. He really stirred me up...and I was strongly attracted to him....his presence....his attitude....his body. Aw...he would be perfect for me. AND on top of this he is two years older than me.
So, really, no fly by night kind of person at all.
BUT....there always seems to be one in dating.....
Yesterday he began texting me....fairly frequently throughout the day. It was friendly banter....and some of what he had to say got my hormones running amok....but I kept things in perspective. Clearly, he has lots on his mind....and I seem to made something of a profound impression on him.
But today he said that his first orientation is ladies....
Uh...huh....another one of "those."
So that pronouncement has rather put a damper on me. Perhaps it shouldn't...but it does. It means that he is bisexual...which is fine....but I'm hunting for a gay dude.....one that I can finally be his primary relationship....and not someone's second fiddle.
Been there...did that.
Most recently with Zach. For 12 years I did that with him...and I was just as guilty. He and I were both married to women...but we carried on like teenagers....with our wives blessing.... We had a long run. That breakup, coming on the heals of my divorce, nearly pushed me under. But I fought to stay afloat....and I succeeded.
So, I'm not excited at the prospect of going down that path again with John. Guess I'm going to go silent for a while with him. See what he says and does next. I just don't have the energy to respond to him right now. And as hot as he is...I don't want to be an option...I want to mean something.
So here I am ... again!
Same song, second verse.
Tuesday, July 07, 2015
Monday, July 06, 2015
John
An interesting turn of events has happened for old Frank: I've met someone.
Yup...it was one of those chance meetings that occur when you least expect it. On Friday I had been invited to a cookout that was a sort of pre-Independence Day affair thrown by a good friend. I was surrounded by about 35 gay men...some partnered....some single. I went to this gathering without any particular agenda. I was looking for a good burger and hot dog.....and all the trimmings in the hot summer sun.
The conversation was lively. The whole picnic was abuzz about the Supreme Court ruling on gay marriage. Clearly everyone was excited about hat prospect...and I am a bit too...but without a partner in my life...getting worked up about an institution that didn't work for me originally seems odd now.
So time passed and after about 4 hours, I was tired...and planned to go home. I had already said goodbye to the host....and I was making my way to my car when John approaches. He was coming to the picnic late. Had he been any later...I would have missed him. But when he got close to me he stopped.....looked at me directly in the eye, "You're leaving?" he asked. I said, "yes, I am...I have a lot of other things I need to do."
"Aw...I'm sorry about that, I'd like to chat with you....I'm John, by the way."
Now, readers, this was no average man. This was a good looking older man with almost a "high and tight" haircut that emphasized his salt and pepper almost stubble on his head. He was square jawed. And I noted that underneath his rather snug fitting t-shirt, was a rather imposing set of pecs with abs to boot. He had on shorts and beefy legs.
I sputtered, "I-I-I'm Frank."
He stuck out his hand...and as he did this, he asked, "Do you have to go right this second?"
Looking at this human being with the perfect body....oozing of testosterone....begging me to stay.....well...I didn't need a whole lot of convincing to hang around a bit longer.
So we went back to the picnic. I found an empty chair...and before I could do anything, he had found a chair and plopped down right next to me!
This will sound silly....but it was if he and I were the only ones at the gathering. Some of the other men came to chat, but he sort of ignored them...and it was clear he wanted to know all about me. Needless to say, after all the negative experiences I have had in the world of meeting available gay men, I found his attention flattering and I felt my heart pounding in my chest.
We talked about everything. He told me what kind of work he did. He told me of his background. I told him mine...and then he asked if I lived close by. I live within about 2-3 miles...and he asked if he could have my contact information. He wants to go to dinner...and spend time getting to know me better. I told him that I would like that too.
So I gave him my email address....and my cellphone number.
I finally had to leave.....and he said he did too. We said goodbye to the host....and there beautiful John was....walking me to my car!
He told me that he'd be in touch. So, reluctantly I drove away.
So as the weekend progressed, I got busy. I thought of him in passing...and I told myself that he was going to be like so many other men....he'd not email...or call. Or if he did, he'd throw one of those left-field remarks at me...that would just add to my hurt and frustration. In other words, I was not getting my hopes up.
Even though John was so perfect in so many ways...
Last night as I was getting ready for bed, my cell phone rang. It was a strange number.
I picked it up...half expecting it to be a wrong number. WRONG!
It was JOHN!
"Hey, Frank! How are you? How was your weekend? Oh...this is John from the picnic. Didn't want you to think I'd forgotten you..."
I couldn't believe my ears.
We chatted for a while. I was is in a daze. Then he said that he'd let me go. "But I'll be in touch, he said."
I couldn't believe it!
When he hung up...I realized that I now had his phone number....but I wanted to keep it cool....and I don't want him to think that I'm all flustered.....even though I am....and I wanted to ask him so many different things....but I didn't.
So I labeled the phone information with his name. Looked at the number and sighed. Wondering when I might hear again from him.
Well, just now he called me! "Hey Frank! This is John again. I wanted you to know that I was thinking about you today." This time I asked all kinds of questions about him and his training. He did the same for me.
We appear to be going down a really nice path. If this man is the one....Old Frank will be the happiest man on the planet. My life will have become complete with someone special in it.
Yup...it was one of those chance meetings that occur when you least expect it. On Friday I had been invited to a cookout that was a sort of pre-Independence Day affair thrown by a good friend. I was surrounded by about 35 gay men...some partnered....some single. I went to this gathering without any particular agenda. I was looking for a good burger and hot dog.....and all the trimmings in the hot summer sun.
The conversation was lively. The whole picnic was abuzz about the Supreme Court ruling on gay marriage. Clearly everyone was excited about hat prospect...and I am a bit too...but without a partner in my life...getting worked up about an institution that didn't work for me originally seems odd now.
So time passed and after about 4 hours, I was tired...and planned to go home. I had already said goodbye to the host....and I was making my way to my car when John approaches. He was coming to the picnic late. Had he been any later...I would have missed him. But when he got close to me he stopped.....looked at me directly in the eye, "You're leaving?" he asked. I said, "yes, I am...I have a lot of other things I need to do."
"Aw...I'm sorry about that, I'd like to chat with you....I'm John, by the way."
Now, readers, this was no average man. This was a good looking older man with almost a "high and tight" haircut that emphasized his salt and pepper almost stubble on his head. He was square jawed. And I noted that underneath his rather snug fitting t-shirt, was a rather imposing set of pecs with abs to boot. He had on shorts and beefy legs.
I sputtered, "I-I-I'm Frank."
He stuck out his hand...and as he did this, he asked, "Do you have to go right this second?"
Looking at this human being with the perfect body....oozing of testosterone....begging me to stay.....well...I didn't need a whole lot of convincing to hang around a bit longer.
So we went back to the picnic. I found an empty chair...and before I could do anything, he had found a chair and plopped down right next to me!
This will sound silly....but it was if he and I were the only ones at the gathering. Some of the other men came to chat, but he sort of ignored them...and it was clear he wanted to know all about me. Needless to say, after all the negative experiences I have had in the world of meeting available gay men, I found his attention flattering and I felt my heart pounding in my chest.
We talked about everything. He told me what kind of work he did. He told me of his background. I told him mine...and then he asked if I lived close by. I live within about 2-3 miles...and he asked if he could have my contact information. He wants to go to dinner...and spend time getting to know me better. I told him that I would like that too.
So I gave him my email address....and my cellphone number.
I finally had to leave.....and he said he did too. We said goodbye to the host....and there beautiful John was....walking me to my car!
He told me that he'd be in touch. So, reluctantly I drove away.
So as the weekend progressed, I got busy. I thought of him in passing...and I told myself that he was going to be like so many other men....he'd not email...or call. Or if he did, he'd throw one of those left-field remarks at me...that would just add to my hurt and frustration. In other words, I was not getting my hopes up.
Even though John was so perfect in so many ways...
Last night as I was getting ready for bed, my cell phone rang. It was a strange number.
I picked it up...half expecting it to be a wrong number. WRONG!
It was JOHN!
"Hey, Frank! How are you? How was your weekend? Oh...this is John from the picnic. Didn't want you to think I'd forgotten you..."
I couldn't believe my ears.
We chatted for a while. I was is in a daze. Then he said that he'd let me go. "But I'll be in touch, he said."
I couldn't believe it!
When he hung up...I realized that I now had his phone number....but I wanted to keep it cool....and I don't want him to think that I'm all flustered.....even though I am....and I wanted to ask him so many different things....but I didn't.
So I labeled the phone information with his name. Looked at the number and sighed. Wondering when I might hear again from him.
Well, just now he called me! "Hey Frank! This is John again. I wanted you to know that I was thinking about you today." This time I asked all kinds of questions about him and his training. He did the same for me.
We appear to be going down a really nice path. If this man is the one....Old Frank will be the happiest man on the planet. My life will have become complete with someone special in it.
Gay Marriage!
Gosh...I never thought I would live to see the day that Gay Marriage would be the law of the land...but on June 26, 2015 it became just that! I nearly fainted when it became legal in the Commonwealth of Virginia and in my Home State of West Virginia, but my goodness...this is even more huge!
In the 10 years since Lovey's and my separation, the tide of acceptance for us gay folks has exponentially changed. I'm no longer ashamed as I was....or feeling second class.
It's amazing that as a gay man, I now have the option to marry the man I love...if I'm ever fortunate to find one. But it's not a priority. If it happens, it does. So you all just keep those positive thoughts and prayers headed into my direction.
In the meantime, I've been dealing with some medical issues. I've finally gained the upper hand on my diabetes. My A1C (long term sugar levels) is as 6.4 at last check. Still working to bring it down further...but I'm pleased. Last fall it got up to 14.9...which is definitely BAD.
My cataract surgery on my right eye is scheduled for August 4. I look forward to this happening and being able to see crystal clear again. Once this is complete...and if all goes well, my left eye will be done next.
On another front, last week I decided to return to GAMMA (Gay and Married Men's Association). It's an organization for gay and bisexual men who are or have been involved in a "straight" relationship with a woman. (Frank raises his hand.) I think the whole gay marriage thing has dislodged some issues that I need to deal with. Plus it never hurts to expand my network of friends.
At the first meeting I went back for...I made several new friends....and I'm amazed at how much I have matured and grown from the days I originally went to GAMMA. It was encouraging to me to see this first hand as I sat and listened to some of the men's horror stories of their treatment during their divorce....or as they are still living with their wives post disclosure.
While I could relate to their stories, I have a more interesting perspective now. The pain of separation is a distant memory...the hurt...the bitterness.....the uncertainty have all melted away. So, I'm now able to look back with a degree of objectivity. Yes, I have some real regrets. I never set out to deceive my wife....but I was listening to folks who were telling me how marriage would "reset" my thinking and "fix" me from being gay. I now know that this advice was faulty and misguided.
I pray that this kind of advice is now passé.
It is not good for well meaning Bible Thumping Christian to assume that "God's Plan" is one man....one woman....one lifetime. There is no guarantee that anyone who gets married will stay married until they die -- gay or straight. Things change....times change.....culture shifts.
Having two people of the same gender in a loving and committed relationship is not evil. If it is...it is the only time that I know of where a loving relationship is considered sinful and wrong....when Jesus proclaimed that they greatest commandment is love.
It just doesn't make a lot of sense to me.
So we now have Gay Marriage. Western Civilization did not end. Fire and brimstone did not rain from heaven.
Let's see what happens next!
In the 10 years since Lovey's and my separation, the tide of acceptance for us gay folks has exponentially changed. I'm no longer ashamed as I was....or feeling second class.
It's amazing that as a gay man, I now have the option to marry the man I love...if I'm ever fortunate to find one. But it's not a priority. If it happens, it does. So you all just keep those positive thoughts and prayers headed into my direction.
In the meantime, I've been dealing with some medical issues. I've finally gained the upper hand on my diabetes. My A1C (long term sugar levels) is as 6.4 at last check. Still working to bring it down further...but I'm pleased. Last fall it got up to 14.9...which is definitely BAD.
My cataract surgery on my right eye is scheduled for August 4. I look forward to this happening and being able to see crystal clear again. Once this is complete...and if all goes well, my left eye will be done next.
On another front, last week I decided to return to GAMMA (Gay and Married Men's Association). It's an organization for gay and bisexual men who are or have been involved in a "straight" relationship with a woman. (Frank raises his hand.) I think the whole gay marriage thing has dislodged some issues that I need to deal with. Plus it never hurts to expand my network of friends.
At the first meeting I went back for...I made several new friends....and I'm amazed at how much I have matured and grown from the days I originally went to GAMMA. It was encouraging to me to see this first hand as I sat and listened to some of the men's horror stories of their treatment during their divorce....or as they are still living with their wives post disclosure.
While I could relate to their stories, I have a more interesting perspective now. The pain of separation is a distant memory...the hurt...the bitterness.....the uncertainty have all melted away. So, I'm now able to look back with a degree of objectivity. Yes, I have some real regrets. I never set out to deceive my wife....but I was listening to folks who were telling me how marriage would "reset" my thinking and "fix" me from being gay. I now know that this advice was faulty and misguided.
I pray that this kind of advice is now passé.
It is not good for well meaning Bible Thumping Christian to assume that "God's Plan" is one man....one woman....one lifetime. There is no guarantee that anyone who gets married will stay married until they die -- gay or straight. Things change....times change.....culture shifts.
Having two people of the same gender in a loving and committed relationship is not evil. If it is...it is the only time that I know of where a loving relationship is considered sinful and wrong....when Jesus proclaimed that they greatest commandment is love.
It just doesn't make a lot of sense to me.
So we now have Gay Marriage. Western Civilization did not end. Fire and brimstone did not rain from heaven.
Let's see what happens next!
Thursday, June 25, 2015
Frank Just Said No...
It's either feast or famine with me. Sometimes I go weeks and week without any folks contacting me from my postings on the dating sites....and then for no real reason it turns into a feast! Of late, it seems that I am totally inundated with offers from guys (and some gals) saying that I am the greatest thing since sliced bread. They say how "perfect" I am and that they have been looking for me for a long time....or that they are "my man."
I'm beginning to see each of these responses as "red flags."
Yesterday I got one of those responses. He has lived here for 12 years.....he's a native of Ireland. He was 34 years old. He asked for me to swap pictures with him. He swapped first...and then I sent mine. He was cute...and dapper. Works in finance like I do. We have much in common and he loves older men. He made mention that he thought this stemmed from the lack of a father in his growing up years. But we didn't talk much about that.
He invited me to lunch at a public restaurant. Everything appeared to be good...but...
In the midst of our meal, he announced to me that he wanted me to know that he was married. He's been married for 12 years...and that is why he moved here.
So, given my experiences of the last week or so...I went into quasi attack mode. I pointed out that I had said up front what I was looking for and having a married lover on the side was not on my list!
Even though he was well built.....a kind and gentle way.....and somewhat sincere, the deal breaker was that he is a very married man with no plans to leave his wife.
I asked him why he responded to my profile. He said he like my pictures and that my profile read very well and came across as sincere.
I said, "It was sincere...I'm sincere."
Then he begged me to take him someplace....and "let's get naked. I want you to hold me."
I respectfully declined.
We departed and went our separate ways.
Frank just said no!
I'm beginning to see each of these responses as "red flags."
Yesterday I got one of those responses. He has lived here for 12 years.....he's a native of Ireland. He was 34 years old. He asked for me to swap pictures with him. He swapped first...and then I sent mine. He was cute...and dapper. Works in finance like I do. We have much in common and he loves older men. He made mention that he thought this stemmed from the lack of a father in his growing up years. But we didn't talk much about that.
He invited me to lunch at a public restaurant. Everything appeared to be good...but...
In the midst of our meal, he announced to me that he wanted me to know that he was married. He's been married for 12 years...and that is why he moved here.
So, given my experiences of the last week or so...I went into quasi attack mode. I pointed out that I had said up front what I was looking for and having a married lover on the side was not on my list!
Even though he was well built.....a kind and gentle way.....and somewhat sincere, the deal breaker was that he is a very married man with no plans to leave his wife.
I asked him why he responded to my profile. He said he like my pictures and that my profile read very well and came across as sincere.
I said, "It was sincere...I'm sincere."
Then he begged me to take him someplace....and "let's get naked. I want you to hold me."
I respectfully declined.
We departed and went our separate ways.
Frank just said no!
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
And So It Goes...
I'm still reeling from yesterday's rejection. You'd think I'd be used to it by now for goodness' sake. But I made the mistake of letting my guard down...and believing the stuff he told me. He would have been perfect. He was in my age range. Former military. Works at the Pentagon. Cute. Available. A man of faith. All the stuff that I'm looking for...and I feel "snookered."
Dating is interesting. I feel so dumb about it and totally inept. I tend to accept people for their face value. I try to see the best in them...and overlook their flaws. Perhaps I am gullible. Perhaps I'm too trusting. It seems that I run two risks here: if I'm cautious...it will be interpreted as being cold and aloof and they will think I'm not interested. If I'm too relaxed, I give in and then appear easy.
There has got to be a middle ground.
But as time goes on, I feel as though I'm vulnerable to situations such as this one. I want a relationship so bad, I may fall for the first thing that comes along....
To add additional frustration to my plight, I received three separate responses this week to my posting on Match.com. What frustrated me was the fact that these were all women who liked my ad....and my selection of pictures. They hadn't noticed that I'm gay. If only I were straight, apparently I'd have not problem finding a compatible partner. SIGH
But I'm gay as a goose! I don't want to fall into the trap of immediately falling for the first man that shows interest. This latest experience with the man I did on Thursday has alerted me to my overall state of vulnerability.
Perhaps the one option is the most obvious undesirable one: just be single. I'm there already. I just need to suck it up.
And so it goes...
Dating is interesting. I feel so dumb about it and totally inept. I tend to accept people for their face value. I try to see the best in them...and overlook their flaws. Perhaps I am gullible. Perhaps I'm too trusting. It seems that I run two risks here: if I'm cautious...it will be interpreted as being cold and aloof and they will think I'm not interested. If I'm too relaxed, I give in and then appear easy.
There has got to be a middle ground.
But as time goes on, I feel as though I'm vulnerable to situations such as this one. I want a relationship so bad, I may fall for the first thing that comes along....
To add additional frustration to my plight, I received three separate responses this week to my posting on Match.com. What frustrated me was the fact that these were all women who liked my ad....and my selection of pictures. They hadn't noticed that I'm gay. If only I were straight, apparently I'd have not problem finding a compatible partner. SIGH
But I'm gay as a goose! I don't want to fall into the trap of immediately falling for the first man that shows interest. This latest experience with the man I did on Thursday has alerted me to my overall state of vulnerability.
Perhaps the one option is the most obvious undesirable one: just be single. I'm there already. I just need to suck it up.
And so it goes...
Rejection #3000! (LOL)
Oh I don't know if I have truly been rejected that many times....but sometimes like today, it sure feels that way.
Today's is one of those where things appear to be going super well....and then something from LEFT FIELD ambushes you and you feel like crap! They give you an excuse that sound like something akin to "The Dog ate my homework!"
Last Thursday I met a man who had responded to one of my postings for a LTR. He said that he was a man of faith and that he was looking for what I'm looking for. So he wanted me to come to his hotel(Mistake #1) to talk and get to know each other. I asked him to meet out front. So we sat and chatted. Seemed like a great man. He suggested we move into his room where we could talk more privately. (Mistake #2). We talked for another hour. It was time for me to leave...and as I started for the door. He hugged me. He kissed me. (Mistake #3) And then...the fireworks really ignited. (Mistake #4).
He had said he was relocating to this area. He'd be here in three weeks. Wanted to know if I would do dinner with him...and I said sure. I told him that I enjoyed meeting him. I hoped he would keep in touch.... He promised he would.
Today I got this email from him.
“Frank, Thank you for the other evening,the conversation really helped me. I appreciated your honesty and passion. You reminded me of a family friend, your mannerisms and personality are identical – the only problem is that person rubs me the wrong way. I thought I could get past it, but it was right there top of mind and made an awkward situation worse. I wanted to write you to assure you that I was not one of those guys you have experienced in the past. I wanted to take some time and really think about it and its something that is a deal breaker for me. I thank you again for taking the timeand coming to meet with me. It was most helpful. I think for now I am going to stay in the closet and not change anything. God Bless.”
Sigh...so I don't know what to think.
Part of me wants to reply in some manner....another part of me just want to go silent and let him wonder.
Rejection #3000 has completed.
Today's is one of those where things appear to be going super well....and then something from LEFT FIELD ambushes you and you feel like crap! They give you an excuse that sound like something akin to "The Dog ate my homework!"
Last Thursday I met a man who had responded to one of my postings for a LTR. He said that he was a man of faith and that he was looking for what I'm looking for. So he wanted me to come to his hotel(Mistake #1) to talk and get to know each other. I asked him to meet out front. So we sat and chatted. Seemed like a great man. He suggested we move into his room where we could talk more privately. (Mistake #2). We talked for another hour. It was time for me to leave...and as I started for the door. He hugged me. He kissed me. (Mistake #3) And then...the fireworks really ignited. (Mistake #4).
He had said he was relocating to this area. He'd be here in three weeks. Wanted to know if I would do dinner with him...and I said sure. I told him that I enjoyed meeting him. I hoped he would keep in touch.... He promised he would.
Today I got this email from him.
“Frank, Thank you for the other evening,the conversation really helped me. I appreciated your honesty and passion. You reminded me of a family friend, your mannerisms and personality are identical – the only problem is that person rubs me the wrong way. I thought I could get past it, but it was right there top of mind and made an awkward situation worse. I wanted to write you to assure you that I was not one of those guys you have experienced in the past. I wanted to take some time and really think about it and its something that is a deal breaker for me. I thank you again for taking the timeand coming to meet with me. It was most helpful. I think for now I am going to stay in the closet and not change anything. God Bless.”
Sigh...so I don't know what to think.
Part of me wants to reply in some manner....another part of me just want to go silent and let him wonder.
Rejection #3000 has completed.
Monday, June 22, 2015
Father's Day 2015
Many of my gay friends find it interesting that I was in a "straight" marriage for over 25 years. They want to focus on the drama...the hurt....the depression....the thoughts of suicide -- all the negatives.
Their number one question is always, "If you could, and you could live your life over again, would you change it?"
In some respects I think I might...but then there is one aspect I would never, ever want to change...and that is the fact that I am the father of three wonderful human beings that would not have been here had I not married their mother on that crisp late autumn day in December 1981. If there could be a way for me to still have my children...but not have to contend with the drama involving Lovey...then, most definitely, I would make serious changes.
Like what?
Well, I would not have looked upon my gayness as an affliction or a curse. I would not have beat myself up and felt like such a sinner. I would have taken better care of myself...physically and emotionally. I would have fallen in love...perhaps committed to a good guy and just lived my days out quietly. I would not have allowed a pastor to take advantage of me sexually and then have him ban me from church. He was then "called" to the mission field overseas 3 weeks later. (I swear, I'm amazed that I still have a faith to cling to.)
At my current age, I feel like I'm at such a disadvantage. I mean, at the age of 57, the pool of possible men to date (which was already small to begin with) is starting to dwindle. I mean, who is going to find a 57 year old man with silver hair, diabetes, and high blood pressure, desirable? I try to keep an open mind...and remain positive...but with each passing day, it becomes increasingly discouraging.
So, I can't go back and change the unfortunate circumstances and drama that composed my life. The angst of coming out. The insecurities. The low self-esteem.
But I can thank God for allowing me to experience these negatives because I think the ending result is a deeply caring man who can empathize. A man that has an unfathomable reservoir of love for people. A man of deep faith. A gay man that has a virtually untapped capacity to love just one man.
I've landed on my feet. I have three wonderful children and three grandchildren. No regrets or concerns.
A number of my gay friends tell me that I am very blessed to have children...because the vast majority of them wanted children. Now that they are older, and their partners have passed away or they went through painful breakups, they now find themselves painfully alone.
I don't want to be alone emotionally. I need to have one person that I can share my love with. Unashamedly. Passionately. Bring him into my family. For him to experience the joy and drama of my children. For him to be my family.
The hunger I have for companionship comes from the fact that my own father died 4 years ago. As Father's Day dawned this year, I was thinking of him and my mother. As an only child, I feel like an orphan now that both are gone. It can be a very lonely place.
It would be nice to have a hand to hold....or a chest to burrow into at times like this. But I don't have that...and so I must continue forward.
I have children who depend upon me. I'm their Father and it's Father's Day 2015.
Their number one question is always, "If you could, and you could live your life over again, would you change it?"
In some respects I think I might...but then there is one aspect I would never, ever want to change...and that is the fact that I am the father of three wonderful human beings that would not have been here had I not married their mother on that crisp late autumn day in December 1981. If there could be a way for me to still have my children...but not have to contend with the drama involving Lovey...then, most definitely, I would make serious changes.
Like what?
Well, I would not have looked upon my gayness as an affliction or a curse. I would not have beat myself up and felt like such a sinner. I would have taken better care of myself...physically and emotionally. I would have fallen in love...perhaps committed to a good guy and just lived my days out quietly. I would not have allowed a pastor to take advantage of me sexually and then have him ban me from church. He was then "called" to the mission field overseas 3 weeks later. (I swear, I'm amazed that I still have a faith to cling to.)
At my current age, I feel like I'm at such a disadvantage. I mean, at the age of 57, the pool of possible men to date (which was already small to begin with) is starting to dwindle. I mean, who is going to find a 57 year old man with silver hair, diabetes, and high blood pressure, desirable? I try to keep an open mind...and remain positive...but with each passing day, it becomes increasingly discouraging.
So, I can't go back and change the unfortunate circumstances and drama that composed my life. The angst of coming out. The insecurities. The low self-esteem.
But I can thank God for allowing me to experience these negatives because I think the ending result is a deeply caring man who can empathize. A man that has an unfathomable reservoir of love for people. A man of deep faith. A gay man that has a virtually untapped capacity to love just one man.
I've landed on my feet. I have three wonderful children and three grandchildren. No regrets or concerns.
A number of my gay friends tell me that I am very blessed to have children...because the vast majority of them wanted children. Now that they are older, and their partners have passed away or they went through painful breakups, they now find themselves painfully alone.
I don't want to be alone emotionally. I need to have one person that I can share my love with. Unashamedly. Passionately. Bring him into my family. For him to experience the joy and drama of my children. For him to be my family.
The hunger I have for companionship comes from the fact that my own father died 4 years ago. As Father's Day dawned this year, I was thinking of him and my mother. As an only child, I feel like an orphan now that both are gone. It can be a very lonely place.
It would be nice to have a hand to hold....or a chest to burrow into at times like this. But I don't have that...and so I must continue forward.
I have children who depend upon me. I'm their Father and it's Father's Day 2015.
Sunday, June 21, 2015
My Fantasy
It has been a quiet weekend here in Northern Virginia. My daughter who lives with me is in Nashville spending time with her twin sister. They just celebrated their 31st birthday, and so they love being together. Old dad here gets to spend some quality alone time.
As a man of faith, I've used quite a bit of this time to reflect and think about where I've come from, and think of those things that I wish to attain yet in the time I have remaining on this planet.
If you have read any of my previous entries, you know that my faith is an important part of who I am. It has seen me through some very difficult, emotional times...and it's always there even in the best of times.
So, I'm a bit surprised by what I'm feeling these days. So if you're reading this, I'd appreciate your prayers, your good thoughts...your positive energy all flowing in my direction.
I'm going through a time of tremendous discouragement. I feel stuck. I feel adrift. I feel like I have no one to turn to. So here goes.
For six years, I've been talking to God about finding a mate. But it feels as though the heavens are brass and that perhaps my prayers are not being heard. I've met many, many, wonderful men....but nothing ever happens. I feel like I am the eternal best friend. (Always the bridesmaid, never the bride! LOL!)
Are my standards too high? At age 57, do I have delusions of grandeur that someone will be attracted to the likes of me? Am I ugly? Am I too fat? Am I doing something wrong?
At my age I've come to the following conclusions:
If I meet someone and tell him that he is really something or put together real nicely, I'm perceived as being desperate.
If I complain or express frustrations about not having someone to love and to grow old with, I'm perceived as wearing my feelings on my sleeve.
If I appear appear friendly, self-confident, and happy, I'm perceived as being "fiercely independent" and not needing anyone.
Finally, if I'm tongue tied or shy upon meeting someone who I find attractive or in new social situations, I'm perceived as being cold and aloof.
In other words, I can't be truly me without people jumping to conclusions that are inaccurate.
You see, I'm a normal red blooded American gay guy. There are guys who I find really attractive. I find myself wanting to introduce myself. Some who have gone through a lot, I'd love to be able to run up to them and wrap my arms around them and say -- "You know....I could really care for you and help you through this!" But, if I did, they'd run for the hills for sure.
I've met men who I know would be perfect for me. But they are partnered or married or..have these visions of finding a boyfriend who looks like something from a porn flick. This is their goal for having a boy friend. Only later, after they've moved out of the area, they contact me and say "Gee, Frank...you are the greatest guy and I'm sorry that I didn't pursue you when I had the chance!" It's like they finally woke up.
Do I need to wave a banner that says "I'm what you've been looking for! I'm Here!"?
I am constantly working to improve myself. I believe that I'm a good guy. I'm halfway attractive. I'm not porn star material and do not strive to be so. I'm successful. I've got adult kids I've got grandchildren. I have my own home. I have a great job. I surround myself with great friends. So, what's the problem?
My fantasy...
Since I was married for such a long time to someone who never showed me love...but weather, made me feel like a cross between Daddy Warlocks and Six Month Old...bottom of the freezer leftovers, I want to feel like I matter to someone else on the planet. Oh, I have my children and I know I matter to them. But I'm talking about a romantic partner. Someone who will call me up in the middle of the day to say hello and let me know they are thinking of me. I'm looking for someone who is kind...loving....reasonably attractive. Successful in their own right. Someone who may have had his own share of hard knocks and hurts and failures who would appreciate a kind and strong presence in his life. To share a warm hug. A tender kiss. Broad shoulders to cry on. A good hand to hold. A person to make love to... Someone who is a bit old fashioned when it comes to romance. A love of family and of God. A great sense of humor. Someone who is not afraid to laugh. Someone who is not afraid to cry. Someone who is not afraid to communicate. Someone who is not ashamed to get naked and let his warts show (literally and figuratively). Someone who is not afraid to let the world know who he loves A person who is not afraid to be himself. A man who accepts me as I am and does not have a list of changes he wants me to make.
I think you get the idea of what I'm longing for. This seems like a tall order...and I'm discouraged because it feels like a needle in the haystack kind of search. Perhaps I'm just in the wrong haystack!
How do I find this man? Does he even exist? or is he just my fantasy?
As a man of faith, I've used quite a bit of this time to reflect and think about where I've come from, and think of those things that I wish to attain yet in the time I have remaining on this planet.
If you have read any of my previous entries, you know that my faith is an important part of who I am. It has seen me through some very difficult, emotional times...and it's always there even in the best of times.
So, I'm a bit surprised by what I'm feeling these days. So if you're reading this, I'd appreciate your prayers, your good thoughts...your positive energy all flowing in my direction.
I'm going through a time of tremendous discouragement. I feel stuck. I feel adrift. I feel like I have no one to turn to. So here goes.
For six years, I've been talking to God about finding a mate. But it feels as though the heavens are brass and that perhaps my prayers are not being heard. I've met many, many, wonderful men....but nothing ever happens. I feel like I am the eternal best friend. (Always the bridesmaid, never the bride! LOL!)
Are my standards too high? At age 57, do I have delusions of grandeur that someone will be attracted to the likes of me? Am I ugly? Am I too fat? Am I doing something wrong?
At my age I've come to the following conclusions:
If I meet someone and tell him that he is really something or put together real nicely, I'm perceived as being desperate.
If I complain or express frustrations about not having someone to love and to grow old with, I'm perceived as wearing my feelings on my sleeve.
If I appear appear friendly, self-confident, and happy, I'm perceived as being "fiercely independent" and not needing anyone.
Finally, if I'm tongue tied or shy upon meeting someone who I find attractive or in new social situations, I'm perceived as being cold and aloof.
In other words, I can't be truly me without people jumping to conclusions that are inaccurate.
You see, I'm a normal red blooded American gay guy. There are guys who I find really attractive. I find myself wanting to introduce myself. Some who have gone through a lot, I'd love to be able to run up to them and wrap my arms around them and say -- "You know....I could really care for you and help you through this!" But, if I did, they'd run for the hills for sure.
I've met men who I know would be perfect for me. But they are partnered or married or..have these visions of finding a boyfriend who looks like something from a porn flick. This is their goal for having a boy friend. Only later, after they've moved out of the area, they contact me and say "Gee, Frank...you are the greatest guy and I'm sorry that I didn't pursue you when I had the chance!" It's like they finally woke up.
Do I need to wave a banner that says "I'm what you've been looking for! I'm Here!"?
I am constantly working to improve myself. I believe that I'm a good guy. I'm halfway attractive. I'm not porn star material and do not strive to be so. I'm successful. I've got adult kids I've got grandchildren. I have my own home. I have a great job. I surround myself with great friends. So, what's the problem?
My fantasy...
Since I was married for such a long time to someone who never showed me love...but weather, made me feel like a cross between Daddy Warlocks and Six Month Old...bottom of the freezer leftovers, I want to feel like I matter to someone else on the planet. Oh, I have my children and I know I matter to them. But I'm talking about a romantic partner. Someone who will call me up in the middle of the day to say hello and let me know they are thinking of me. I'm looking for someone who is kind...loving....reasonably attractive. Successful in their own right. Someone who may have had his own share of hard knocks and hurts and failures who would appreciate a kind and strong presence in his life. To share a warm hug. A tender kiss. Broad shoulders to cry on. A good hand to hold. A person to make love to... Someone who is a bit old fashioned when it comes to romance. A love of family and of God. A great sense of humor. Someone who is not afraid to laugh. Someone who is not afraid to cry. Someone who is not afraid to communicate. Someone who is not ashamed to get naked and let his warts show (literally and figuratively). Someone who is not afraid to let the world know who he loves A person who is not afraid to be himself. A man who accepts me as I am and does not have a list of changes he wants me to make.
I think you get the idea of what I'm longing for. This seems like a tall order...and I'm discouraged because it feels like a needle in the haystack kind of search. Perhaps I'm just in the wrong haystack!
How do I find this man? Does he even exist? or is he just my fantasy?
Friday, June 19, 2015
My Quest
As an out and proud gay man, I've certainly encountered some interesting people. I've talked to people who are straight who really don't "get it" that there are men who are alive and well that do not get aroused by some beautiful, blonde voluptuous female. Others like to make grand pronouncements about how being gay is not "God's Plan" for humanity. They think that the whole purpose of physical intimacy is for procreation and, well, because two males can't procreate, this somehow negates the entire relationship.
Then there are men, like one I work with, who seems totally fixated on certain aspects of gay relationships. This guy goes into really deep descriptions of certain body parts fitting into other body parts that weren't designed to be put together and how it makes him to want to throw up!
I think he protests way too much...and is too fixated on the activities that two men can share.
I've never quite understood what the hangup is about sex. Gay sex....straight sex.....or basically the concept of two people who like to get naked and please another person. After all, everyone alive or who has ever lived, is the product of people who have partaken of this activity. AND everyone who is alive, enjoys having physical intimacy of some kind...but some, especially, church people pretend that they have begotten children via some sort of miraculous birth process or immaculate conception.
I've just never understood that concept.
As a young teenager, I remember feeling like a stranger in my own body. My body was changing....and I started noticing members of my own gender. Certain of these guys would cause certain physical reactions. I felt dirty. I felt abnormal. But I noticed that I was actually no different in feeling the way I did, from how my other friends' were feeling about a "stacked" girl in our class. They would actually be quite graphic about what they'd love to do with her if they could only be naked with her. The only difference was that I didn't feel the liberty to express what I'd like to do with that hunky football player in the corner! LOL.
It was also during this time that I totally immersed myself in church work to curb my terrible thought life. I mean, the hormones were uncontrollable....and I walked with a permanent erection....it was stressful trying to conceal it. My goodness.
However, I was a member of a very fundamental Pentecostal denomination. (The Church of God, Cleveland, TN) During those years, it taught that there would be no mixed bathing.... Only boys could swim with boys...and girls could swim with girls. I thought it odd...that here I was...a gay man....having to swim with other men that I was attracted to....but men attracted to girls couldn't swim with them because it was evil! LOL.
It seemed that there was just this preoccupation with sex among the adults...and they would tell us how evil and sinful it was...but on Sunday, we'd here how beautiful sex was between a man and a woman "on the marital bed."
About this time of the year annually, we had a state "CampMeeting" usually at the state headquarters. Groups from each local church would attend for Bible Study....rip roaring evening services, with different manifestations of the spirit...miracles....and the like. But always in the back of the meeting place, the church book store would set up shop....and invariably there there were always books about sex....with pictures! During prayer I'd be looking through the books and learning about various positions for intimacy!
So, at this stage of my life...I finally understand that I'm gay. I understand that God loves me. He created me just as I am. He has also given me a tremendous gift. That is, the very strong and infinite ability to love someone of my own gender without shame....without guilt......and to love them unconditionally....fully....passionately. He has allowed me several opportunities to do so....and I can say that I understand how it is all meant to be for me.
But there are just so many folks with hangups....and strange ideas. They're consumed with guilt. Yet they hunger for naked, physical intimacy with another adult.
I hurt for those people.
But I guess each person is on their own journey to personal growth.
But I'm so thankful that I have grown... I just long for one special man. When I find him...you will here me laugh from the rafters....my joy will overflow. That's my quest.
Then there are men, like one I work with, who seems totally fixated on certain aspects of gay relationships. This guy goes into really deep descriptions of certain body parts fitting into other body parts that weren't designed to be put together and how it makes him to want to throw up!
I think he protests way too much...and is too fixated on the activities that two men can share.
I've never quite understood what the hangup is about sex. Gay sex....straight sex.....or basically the concept of two people who like to get naked and please another person. After all, everyone alive or who has ever lived, is the product of people who have partaken of this activity. AND everyone who is alive, enjoys having physical intimacy of some kind...but some, especially, church people pretend that they have begotten children via some sort of miraculous birth process or immaculate conception.
I've just never understood that concept.
As a young teenager, I remember feeling like a stranger in my own body. My body was changing....and I started noticing members of my own gender. Certain of these guys would cause certain physical reactions. I felt dirty. I felt abnormal. But I noticed that I was actually no different in feeling the way I did, from how my other friends' were feeling about a "stacked" girl in our class. They would actually be quite graphic about what they'd love to do with her if they could only be naked with her. The only difference was that I didn't feel the liberty to express what I'd like to do with that hunky football player in the corner! LOL.
It was also during this time that I totally immersed myself in church work to curb my terrible thought life. I mean, the hormones were uncontrollable....and I walked with a permanent erection....it was stressful trying to conceal it. My goodness.
However, I was a member of a very fundamental Pentecostal denomination. (The Church of God, Cleveland, TN) During those years, it taught that there would be no mixed bathing.... Only boys could swim with boys...and girls could swim with girls. I thought it odd...that here I was...a gay man....having to swim with other men that I was attracted to....but men attracted to girls couldn't swim with them because it was evil! LOL.
It seemed that there was just this preoccupation with sex among the adults...and they would tell us how evil and sinful it was...but on Sunday, we'd here how beautiful sex was between a man and a woman "on the marital bed."
About this time of the year annually, we had a state "CampMeeting" usually at the state headquarters. Groups from each local church would attend for Bible Study....rip roaring evening services, with different manifestations of the spirit...miracles....and the like. But always in the back of the meeting place, the church book store would set up shop....and invariably there there were always books about sex....with pictures! During prayer I'd be looking through the books and learning about various positions for intimacy!
So, at this stage of my life...I finally understand that I'm gay. I understand that God loves me. He created me just as I am. He has also given me a tremendous gift. That is, the very strong and infinite ability to love someone of my own gender without shame....without guilt......and to love them unconditionally....fully....passionately. He has allowed me several opportunities to do so....and I can say that I understand how it is all meant to be for me.
But there are just so many folks with hangups....and strange ideas. They're consumed with guilt. Yet they hunger for naked, physical intimacy with another adult.
I hurt for those people.
But I guess each person is on their own journey to personal growth.
But I'm so thankful that I have grown... I just long for one special man. When I find him...you will here me laugh from the rafters....my joy will overflow. That's my quest.
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
And Then There is (was) Zach...
Long time readers of this blog will recall that during the course of all the entries, I've discussed a man I call Zach. Zach, at the time, was the love of my life. He was married, as was I...the wives knew...and supported each other's presence in their husband's lives.
I never wrote much about him -- at his request...but it was a very sweet relationship and it lasted for many years! It ended when my divorce happened....because he felt we were out of synch... So over my protestations it ended. So in the spate of a few months, I lost my wife...and him. All this loss nearly put me under....but I buoyed to the surface....and survived.
He and I have maintained a warm relationship since. Not as close as before....but there are mutual feelings of affection and warmth that have endured the breakup. It even survived with the entrance of his new guy.
Still, I find that I care for this guy....although I keep a very respectful distance from him in social situations. We would see each other very frequently in a social organization we're both members of...until recently.
Something has happened now that has taken him from this organization....and it bothers me. I don't know why I should be bothered by it. His choices are his own. His life is his own. Something does not feel right in this departure. Perhaps its the strangeness of not getting to at least see him from afar...and to know that he is doing well. Perhaps its the uncertainty of not knowing whether I will see him ever again. You see, I have no reasons to cross paths with him now.
Is it mourning the finality of my loss of him. Gosh it has been many years...10 in fact, since the divorce/separation.
Am I codependent in some sort of weird way?
Aw...I'm trying to suck it up...and to realize that people come and go in our lives. Some departures are good. They provide a much needed respite from unnecessary drama they inflict on our lives. Others are painful...their departure cuts like a knife.....where you feel like your guts are going to explode. You wonder if you can handle the pain...
And then there is (was) Zach....
I never wrote much about him -- at his request...but it was a very sweet relationship and it lasted for many years! It ended when my divorce happened....because he felt we were out of synch... So over my protestations it ended. So in the spate of a few months, I lost my wife...and him. All this loss nearly put me under....but I buoyed to the surface....and survived.
He and I have maintained a warm relationship since. Not as close as before....but there are mutual feelings of affection and warmth that have endured the breakup. It even survived with the entrance of his new guy.
Still, I find that I care for this guy....although I keep a very respectful distance from him in social situations. We would see each other very frequently in a social organization we're both members of...until recently.
Something has happened now that has taken him from this organization....and it bothers me. I don't know why I should be bothered by it. His choices are his own. His life is his own. Something does not feel right in this departure. Perhaps its the strangeness of not getting to at least see him from afar...and to know that he is doing well. Perhaps its the uncertainty of not knowing whether I will see him ever again. You see, I have no reasons to cross paths with him now.
Is it mourning the finality of my loss of him. Gosh it has been many years...10 in fact, since the divorce/separation.
Am I codependent in some sort of weird way?
Aw...I'm trying to suck it up...and to realize that people come and go in our lives. Some departures are good. They provide a much needed respite from unnecessary drama they inflict on our lives. Others are painful...their departure cuts like a knife.....where you feel like your guts are going to explode. You wonder if you can handle the pain...
And then there is (was) Zach....
Tuesday, June 09, 2015
The Creep
As I have wondered through the merry world of gay male dating, I'm totally dumbfounded at the number of sick puppies that are in the ranks. Clearly, they have suffered some sort of trauma that has led them to act out in rather unhelpful ways. So about two weeks ago, I heard from such a man.
I'll call him THE CREEP or TC for short.
He wrote in response to my profile post on Match.Com. I have several photos posted there and I have an extensive description of what I'm looking for in a suitable mate. I DO NOT aggressively search those profiles and try to contact folks I think are interesting. I let them come to me...and figure if they are serious they will. Perhaps if I were more aggressive, I would have more success...but for now, I'm content for those who wish to contact me to do so.
TC wrote on an early Saturday morning. His note of introduction read:
This should have tipped me off....but I gave him the benefit of the doubt and proceeded to chat cautiously.
Over the course of the conversation I learned that he was eight years younger than me. I found that he was a mechanical engineer and he owned his own home in a nearby jurisdiction. He kept saying that he wanted me to have his "milk"....and that once he gave it to me either through sex or orally, I was his. So when someone is talking this way over and over....and over and over.....this is really a bit offputting.
So, I ran a little experiment.
I decided to see just how serious this man was. He kept saying things like, I need to know that you are really serious and that you will be true only to me if I give myself to you.
So having heard this for the millionth time...I wrote back to him to say that I expected the same from him....and that "you will only be true to me" if I am intimate with you.
LOL.
Wouldn't you know...NO RESPONSE.
So, TC is history. Although an attractive man....the feeling of dependent ownership scares me.
This reminds me of the other guy years ago who announced his undying love to me and his fedlity....and that we'd full around like bunnies when I was with him and going to the store...and doing other mundane tasks like emptying the garbage. The clincher to that one was when he said that he couldn't wait to share an erotic bowel movement with me!
Another story for another day.
No wonder I'm not looking.
I'll call him THE CREEP or TC for short.
He wrote in response to my profile post on Match.Com. I have several photos posted there and I have an extensive description of what I'm looking for in a suitable mate. I DO NOT aggressively search those profiles and try to contact folks I think are interesting. I let them come to me...and figure if they are serious they will. Perhaps if I were more aggressive, I would have more success...but for now, I'm content for those who wish to contact me to do so.
TC wrote on an early Saturday morning. His note of introduction read:
"If you serious and can only catch for me then I am interested. Please let me know because no one ever seems to tell the truth on this site."
This should have tipped me off....but I gave him the benefit of the doubt and proceeded to chat cautiously.
Over the course of the conversation I learned that he was eight years younger than me. I found that he was a mechanical engineer and he owned his own home in a nearby jurisdiction. He kept saying that he wanted me to have his "milk"....and that once he gave it to me either through sex or orally, I was his. So when someone is talking this way over and over....and over and over.....this is really a bit offputting.
So, I ran a little experiment.
I decided to see just how serious this man was. He kept saying things like, I need to know that you are really serious and that you will be true only to me if I give myself to you.
So having heard this for the millionth time...I wrote back to him to say that I expected the same from him....and that "you will only be true to me" if I am intimate with you.
LOL.
Wouldn't you know...NO RESPONSE.
So, TC is history. Although an attractive man....the feeling of dependent ownership scares me.
This reminds me of the other guy years ago who announced his undying love to me and his fedlity....and that we'd full around like bunnies when I was with him and going to the store...and doing other mundane tasks like emptying the garbage. The clincher to that one was when he said that he couldn't wait to share an erotic bowel movement with me!
Another story for another day.
No wonder I'm not looking.
Monday, June 08, 2015
Look Who Just Swooped In!
Greetings to all of you after a very long hiatus. I apologize for having been MIA for such a long period of time, but it has been a wacky time in my life. Some things have changed. Lots haven't. So, I'm still here and have not fallen off the face of the earth.
First and foremost, I've been preoccupied with Mom O'Lovey's deteriorating condition. She was diagnosed just over two years ago with metastatic lung cancer - stage 4 and only given a very few months to live. She has been following a holistic diet with no chemo...and she is still with us...although the cancer has spread throughout her body. She has lost a ton of weight...looks like a skin covered skeleton, but she remains a positive lighthouse in the midst of the storms of adversity.
Second, Lovey, is moving this summer an hour away from her current pastorate. In the process she is purchasing her first home and is all excited about it. Yes, we are getting along okay...and some say that she has mellowed much and is attempting to perhaps interest me in a reconciliation. I don't see it...and frankly, that ship sailed 10 years ago when she announced to me that I had made her life hell and that she wanted to divorce -- "so that I can be free to experience other relationships." Sadly that hasn't exactly happened for her...but we trudge on.
My kids are terrific. I am now a grandpa with three small grandchildren all aged 3 and below. So, I'm really having a good time being in my new role.
I'm still gay!
I'm still alone. BUT, I've readily accepted this as a part of the gay life. In the words of a good gay friend, after the age of 55, one's shelf life begins to wane and therefore, the market for men like me shrinks considerably.
I'm still working. Having a wonderful time with that. It's still a challenge and it's fun to have a wonderful staff like mine.
I have been dealing with some health problems related to my diabetes. Working on those to make them better.
I have garnered a number of new friends. Some old ones have resurfaced in my life. One or two of them have asked me why they never pursued me! LOL. I turn the question back at them and say, "Well, why didn't you?"
So life goes on.
I'm so glad that you have chose to remain with me...even though it must get time consuming and perhaps frustrating when I've been so lax at writing.
From today, I am going to work at beginning again and post more regularly. Thanks to all of you who have written comments and inquiring about when I'd be back. I do read them all...and yes, I am definitely BACK!
Stay safe.
First and foremost, I've been preoccupied with Mom O'Lovey's deteriorating condition. She was diagnosed just over two years ago with metastatic lung cancer - stage 4 and only given a very few months to live. She has been following a holistic diet with no chemo...and she is still with us...although the cancer has spread throughout her body. She has lost a ton of weight...looks like a skin covered skeleton, but she remains a positive lighthouse in the midst of the storms of adversity.
Second, Lovey, is moving this summer an hour away from her current pastorate. In the process she is purchasing her first home and is all excited about it. Yes, we are getting along okay...and some say that she has mellowed much and is attempting to perhaps interest me in a reconciliation. I don't see it...and frankly, that ship sailed 10 years ago when she announced to me that I had made her life hell and that she wanted to divorce -- "so that I can be free to experience other relationships." Sadly that hasn't exactly happened for her...but we trudge on.
My kids are terrific. I am now a grandpa with three small grandchildren all aged 3 and below. So, I'm really having a good time being in my new role.
I'm still gay!
I'm still alone. BUT, I've readily accepted this as a part of the gay life. In the words of a good gay friend, after the age of 55, one's shelf life begins to wane and therefore, the market for men like me shrinks considerably.
I'm still working. Having a wonderful time with that. It's still a challenge and it's fun to have a wonderful staff like mine.
I have been dealing with some health problems related to my diabetes. Working on those to make them better.
I have garnered a number of new friends. Some old ones have resurfaced in my life. One or two of them have asked me why they never pursued me! LOL. I turn the question back at them and say, "Well, why didn't you?"
So life goes on.
I'm so glad that you have chose to remain with me...even though it must get time consuming and perhaps frustrating when I've been so lax at writing.
From today, I am going to work at beginning again and post more regularly. Thanks to all of you who have written comments and inquiring about when I'd be back. I do read them all...and yes, I am definitely BACK!
Stay safe.
Friday, October 31, 2014
Some Things Never Change
Well, I have a number of ads posted on a number dating sites and occasionally I get some interesting responses. But they never turn out…so, it's with trepidation that I read their responses and offer anything in return.
Today I noticed that a gentleman had visited my profile on a number of occasions. So I wrote him a quick note….and said "Hello. Just a note to say I like your profile. It resonated because I was married…..blah…blah….blah…so it has been slow going."
"Good Guy" responded by saying "We do have a lot in common. I'm not sure that we'd be compatible dating or as partners, but a new friend is always nice. Let me know."
So, I responded, with "What are you looking for?" (Keep in mind that I did not say anything to him that even hinted I was interested romantically. I had just told him that most folks on that particular site were looking for the next best thing between the sheets….and that I was looking for a whole lot more……and it is slow going."
"Good Guy" responded again saying "What am I looking for in terms of friends, or partners? The former: wide open. The latter, obviously a bit pickier and I don't think you and I would be a good match on that score."
I responded: "You certainly have a way with words. Based upon your emails I certainly agree with your assessment with one addition: I don't' think we'd be good friends. I'm picky too. Have a great day!"
Geez….
Now do you see why I've learned to be content in my life as it is?
Today I noticed that a gentleman had visited my profile on a number of occasions. So I wrote him a quick note….and said "Hello. Just a note to say I like your profile. It resonated because I was married…..blah…blah….blah…so it has been slow going."
"Good Guy" responded by saying "We do have a lot in common. I'm not sure that we'd be compatible dating or as partners, but a new friend is always nice. Let me know."
So, I responded, with "What are you looking for?" (Keep in mind that I did not say anything to him that even hinted I was interested romantically. I had just told him that most folks on that particular site were looking for the next best thing between the sheets….and that I was looking for a whole lot more……and it is slow going."
"Good Guy" responded again saying "What am I looking for in terms of friends, or partners? The former: wide open. The latter, obviously a bit pickier and I don't think you and I would be a good match on that score."
I responded: "You certainly have a way with words. Based upon your emails I certainly agree with your assessment with one addition: I don't' think we'd be good friends. I'm picky too. Have a great day!"
Geez….
Now do you see why I've learned to be content in my life as it is?
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Look Who Is Back!
After a long break, look who is back in the glow of his laptop and writing this entry!
It's me!
I know that it has been a very long time since I have written…so, I thought I'd write something tonight. As my life ontinues to settle a bit, I will start writing more frequently….I promise.
It certainly has been busy in "gay land". More and more folks are proudly coming out. Being gay is not as big of a deal as it once was. Gay marriage is spreading throughout our country…and thank God….saying you're gay does not rattle the rafters as it once did. Oh, if you're a celebrity and come out…it still makes the nightly news….but for the rest of the world, news of coming out is now a real yawner. My, how things have changed in the years since I began this blog.
I live in Northern Virginia. I'm totally amazed that we now have marriage equality. So many of my gay married friends are so excited. It's just totally amazing. We also now have gay marriage in my home state of West Virginia. I just never thought these big events would happen in my lifetime.
But here we are…and it has happened.
It's an exciting time.
Sadly though, I'm still single. I've joined a host of the dating sites. But there are so may gay men out there who love to play games. It's discouraging, so I've just backed away from it all and continue concentrating on my life. I am always working to be well and happy. And it really does work. In profound ways.
I've turned outward in ways to help people I know. I've been able to provide a safe harbor to a number of folks who have had tough things thrown at them -- mental illness….job challenges….financial devastation…and all other sorts of things. I actually have been able to see how my presence in their lives has helped them to become the best they can be.
I am very thankful for my job. I'm blessed to finally be able to acce[t and to finally like me. My self perceptions have vastly improved. I'm confident. I''m happy. When I review my life's journey, it has been filled with a lot of twists and turns. I've been very honest about my journey …the good and the bad.
But I'm still here to be able to tell you about it.
I've ramped up my church work considerably. I'm on the board of directors.
I now have two grandchildren and another set to arrive in February. That certainly has changed my perspective in a whole lot of ways.
Mom O'Lovey is still suffering from stage 4 lung cancer. She never smoked a day in her life…and here she is at age 84…fighting this disease on her own terms and making a valiant attempt to do so.
Even Lovey has re-entered my life. Some say that she is trying to return to me or to rewrite history…and is hopefully that I would consider taking her back. After all the water that has flowed under the bridge….all the hurt and all the drama, I think you all know what the outcome of that is.
So, here I am. A single gay man who is reasonably happy -- enjoying life.
It's me!
I know that it has been a very long time since I have written…so, I thought I'd write something tonight. As my life ontinues to settle a bit, I will start writing more frequently….I promise.
It certainly has been busy in "gay land". More and more folks are proudly coming out. Being gay is not as big of a deal as it once was. Gay marriage is spreading throughout our country…and thank God….saying you're gay does not rattle the rafters as it once did. Oh, if you're a celebrity and come out…it still makes the nightly news….but for the rest of the world, news of coming out is now a real yawner. My, how things have changed in the years since I began this blog.
I live in Northern Virginia. I'm totally amazed that we now have marriage equality. So many of my gay married friends are so excited. It's just totally amazing. We also now have gay marriage in my home state of West Virginia. I just never thought these big events would happen in my lifetime.
But here we are…and it has happened.
It's an exciting time.
Sadly though, I'm still single. I've joined a host of the dating sites. But there are so may gay men out there who love to play games. It's discouraging, so I've just backed away from it all and continue concentrating on my life. I am always working to be well and happy. And it really does work. In profound ways.
I've turned outward in ways to help people I know. I've been able to provide a safe harbor to a number of folks who have had tough things thrown at them -- mental illness….job challenges….financial devastation…and all other sorts of things. I actually have been able to see how my presence in their lives has helped them to become the best they can be.
I am very thankful for my job. I'm blessed to finally be able to acce[t and to finally like me. My self perceptions have vastly improved. I'm confident. I''m happy. When I review my life's journey, it has been filled with a lot of twists and turns. I've been very honest about my journey …the good and the bad.
But I'm still here to be able to tell you about it.
I've ramped up my church work considerably. I'm on the board of directors.
I now have two grandchildren and another set to arrive in February. That certainly has changed my perspective in a whole lot of ways.
Mom O'Lovey is still suffering from stage 4 lung cancer. She never smoked a day in her life…and here she is at age 84…fighting this disease on her own terms and making a valiant attempt to do so.
Even Lovey has re-entered my life. Some say that she is trying to return to me or to rewrite history…and is hopefully that I would consider taking her back. After all the water that has flowed under the bridge….all the hurt and all the drama, I think you all know what the outcome of that is.
So, here I am. A single gay man who is reasonably happy -- enjoying life.
Sunday, April 06, 2014
Let It Go
The life of this gay man is quite boring…
Lots of people tend to think that gay folks have an exciting life -- generally centering on wild sexual escapades. But as I have made it to this side of the journey, I'm finding that my life is kind of dull. There's nothing swinging from my chandeliers other than perhaps some wayward particle of dust or a misguided cob web perhaps.
Yup, I've grown up quite a bit since my separation and divorce. The pain of that trauma is gone. I've worked to let my hurts and feelings go.
I have now begun to focus on my spirit. You see, in a lot of ways I let my spiritual life go during the trauma days. Oh, I acknowledged God's presence in my life. I could never have survived without that strong presence being there. When I look back, over the course of a few very short years I experienced the break up and dissolution of my long-term marriage. I had a long term relationship with another gay married man -- it also dissolved. I watched cancer over take my mother and then take my father. I worked to get their estates settled. I've seen Mom O'Lovey wage her valiant battle with lung cancer. I've lost a very dear subordinate employee to cancer. I lost my beloved dog to cancer.
On and on it goes…
But in spite of it all, God saw me through. I've chosen to release the pain…the hurt….the scares….the sorrow….to let it all go.
So about a year ago, I came to the realization that it was time for me to give back. To become a better blessing of my financial means, men talents and my time to my church. I was heavily involved in the pastoral search process. I was elected to the church board of directors. Now I'm trying to figure out ways to be a greater blessing to my church, and to those people who come from a similar background to what I am from -- struggling with their sexuality…looking for acceptance….unconditional love….and even affirmation.
Yesterday I went to a a regional church eating. There were over 70 people there from a host of churches in the region….and I walked out with a host of new friends that I had never known. I learned of their struggles…and I learned what brought them to my denomination (MCC). They each had stories very similar to mine. But through MCC have found a place in which they feel safe….a part….and they too have decided to give back.
Here we all are….we've survived and continue to march forward.
A song that I only became familiar with recently sums it up beautifully. It's the song that won the Oscar this year entitled simply, "Let it Go."
Enjoy!
Lots of people tend to think that gay folks have an exciting life -- generally centering on wild sexual escapades. But as I have made it to this side of the journey, I'm finding that my life is kind of dull. There's nothing swinging from my chandeliers other than perhaps some wayward particle of dust or a misguided cob web perhaps.
Yup, I've grown up quite a bit since my separation and divorce. The pain of that trauma is gone. I've worked to let my hurts and feelings go.
I have now begun to focus on my spirit. You see, in a lot of ways I let my spiritual life go during the trauma days. Oh, I acknowledged God's presence in my life. I could never have survived without that strong presence being there. When I look back, over the course of a few very short years I experienced the break up and dissolution of my long-term marriage. I had a long term relationship with another gay married man -- it also dissolved. I watched cancer over take my mother and then take my father. I worked to get their estates settled. I've seen Mom O'Lovey wage her valiant battle with lung cancer. I've lost a very dear subordinate employee to cancer. I lost my beloved dog to cancer.
On and on it goes…
But in spite of it all, God saw me through. I've chosen to release the pain…the hurt….the scares….the sorrow….to let it all go.
So about a year ago, I came to the realization that it was time for me to give back. To become a better blessing of my financial means, men talents and my time to my church. I was heavily involved in the pastoral search process. I was elected to the church board of directors. Now I'm trying to figure out ways to be a greater blessing to my church, and to those people who come from a similar background to what I am from -- struggling with their sexuality…looking for acceptance….unconditional love….and even affirmation.
Yesterday I went to a a regional church eating. There were over 70 people there from a host of churches in the region….and I walked out with a host of new friends that I had never known. I learned of their struggles…and I learned what brought them to my denomination (MCC). They each had stories very similar to mine. But through MCC have found a place in which they feel safe….a part….and they too have decided to give back.
Here we all are….we've survived and continue to march forward.
A song that I only became familiar with recently sums it up beautifully. It's the song that won the Oscar this year entitled simply, "Let it Go."
Enjoy!
Monday, March 31, 2014
On Being a Gay Man...
I have been keeping this blog for eight years now. It's amazing that I am closing in on 1,000 articles here. Over that time I have taken some long periods away while I grappled with a number of different issues that I just did not have the energy to sit and to write about. But the neat thing is that during these past 8 years I have done quite a bit of growing. Looking back at some of my earlier posts, I can see just how juvenile some of those postings were. I appreciate those of you who have stood by me as I have evolved. I've appreciated the kind words of encouragement. I've also been touched by some of the stories that you have shared with me about your own journeys.
My growth has shown itself in a number of different ways. Most notably, I realize that I truly like me. I like the gay man I have become. I'm more settled. I'm not focused on acquiring a mate as I had been. The sex drive is more under control. It feels like things are evening out for me…in all facets.
One of the things that triggered this is a wedding that I attended back in late August. The bride and groom had known each other for 3 years….had lived together for two years. They decided to make it legal.
As I watched them exchange rings…and I observed just how happy they were at the reception, something about it all rang a bit hollow. It didn't feel right. It felt empty. I tried to shake it off. But the feeling stayed with me. During these past 6 months I've checked in with them from time to time.
Well, as of this writing, they are separated. A divorce is going to happen. The groom has already found another woman. The bride, my relative, is heartbroken. But she feels they have such strong issues, a reconciliation is next to impossible.
I believe that it is best to not marry at all and be alone than to align yourself with the wrong person. In their case, I've heard rumblings of violence, alcoholism, verbal abuse, etc. So, for me, I'm so glad that I have me. That my life is full with good friends, a wonderful family. A grand child. Lots of other good things.
So it is just great to not have to worry about a bad relationship….or as Lady Gaga puts it, "A Bad Romance."
Not long ago I discussed the whole idea of relationships with a gay minister. It is his belief that when a straight couple is having troubles, they decide to have a child. In their mind this helps to cement the relationship together. But in all actuality, it does not help the relationship. It adds additional stress. A breakup finally happens.
He said that in gay couples, when there are problems, they decide to get married. Make it legal. But if they were miserable before they got married, the actual marriage just compounds the problem.
I know many committed couples who are in such relationships. They have been committed for decades. But for one reason or another, they have lost the love they once had. They decide to get married. Now many of these relationships are going down the hurtful path of divorce.
Being gay is hard enough. But being gay and involved in a loveless relationship -- even to the extent of getting married, is just unfathomable.
Yup I am a single gay man. Or I should say I am a happy, single gay man. Oh, I'm not giving up on finding love one day. But it's better to wander around a little bit lonely now and then than to be saddled with a train wreck of a relationship.
I'm blessed.
My growth has shown itself in a number of different ways. Most notably, I realize that I truly like me. I like the gay man I have become. I'm more settled. I'm not focused on acquiring a mate as I had been. The sex drive is more under control. It feels like things are evening out for me…in all facets.
One of the things that triggered this is a wedding that I attended back in late August. The bride and groom had known each other for 3 years….had lived together for two years. They decided to make it legal.
As I watched them exchange rings…and I observed just how happy they were at the reception, something about it all rang a bit hollow. It didn't feel right. It felt empty. I tried to shake it off. But the feeling stayed with me. During these past 6 months I've checked in with them from time to time.
Well, as of this writing, they are separated. A divorce is going to happen. The groom has already found another woman. The bride, my relative, is heartbroken. But she feels they have such strong issues, a reconciliation is next to impossible.
I believe that it is best to not marry at all and be alone than to align yourself with the wrong person. In their case, I've heard rumblings of violence, alcoholism, verbal abuse, etc. So, for me, I'm so glad that I have me. That my life is full with good friends, a wonderful family. A grand child. Lots of other good things.
So it is just great to not have to worry about a bad relationship….or as Lady Gaga puts it, "A Bad Romance."
Not long ago I discussed the whole idea of relationships with a gay minister. It is his belief that when a straight couple is having troubles, they decide to have a child. In their mind this helps to cement the relationship together. But in all actuality, it does not help the relationship. It adds additional stress. A breakup finally happens.
He said that in gay couples, when there are problems, they decide to get married. Make it legal. But if they were miserable before they got married, the actual marriage just compounds the problem.
I know many committed couples who are in such relationships. They have been committed for decades. But for one reason or another, they have lost the love they once had. They decide to get married. Now many of these relationships are going down the hurtful path of divorce.
Being gay is hard enough. But being gay and involved in a loveless relationship -- even to the extent of getting married, is just unfathomable.
Yup I am a single gay man. Or I should say I am a happy, single gay man. Oh, I'm not giving up on finding love one day. But it's better to wander around a little bit lonely now and then than to be saddled with a train wreck of a relationship.
I'm blessed.
Friday, March 28, 2014
Families of Choice VS Families of Origins
Early in my journey of self discovery as a gay man, my identity and vision of the world, as taught by my parents was tossed on its head. Back then I wanted to be Ward Cleaver of the old LEAVE IT TO BEAVER TV series. I'd have the nice house. The picket fence. I'd be married to June who was always perfectly coiffed. Perfect makeup with a string of simple pearls tastefully appointed around her neck.
I think all kids in that era assumed that was how life had always been, how life was at the time, and it was how life would be in the future -- until we take that next adventure beyond the veil of death.
Down deep I knew that I was very different. I couldn't understand what that difference was. But I knew early on that my view of the world was not what a lot of my other friends thought. For example, one day in car pool, one of the boys in my Jr. High produced a pornographic magazine. We sat in the back seat looking at the adults in all kinds of sexual positions. It was the first time I had seen a naked woman with her legs spread. My friend was going nuts at the view. I found myself more arouse by the well built man who was with her. His penis was magnificent.
It confirmed that I indeed, was a different sort of teen.
All my life I fought it. I was told that marriage would fix me. I threw myself into ihe relationship with Lovey wholeheartedly. But, as I have written before….things have a way of catching up with you. My gayness began to rebel. My hormones began raging. So I began acting on my long held desires.
Not only did I beome swept up in the things that closeted gay men do, I found myself drawn to reading materials that provided insight into my identity. I read everything I could get my hands on. I learned that I was not alone and that there were quite a number of other men just like me.
I also came to the point at wondering if being gay was only about hookups and getting off -- anonymously, furtively. Over and over again. I was frightened. But at that time, things like I was experiencing were not things one discussed with anyone. For the longest time, I worried. The feelings of self loathing brought me to the brink of suicede a number of times. It was an awful time.
Then, in the midst of my angst, the TV series, QUEER AS FOLK showed up on pay tv. I was mesmerized. I could not believe that there could be a group of 5 gay men…who were friends….who were loyal….and they didn't sleep together. From my vantage point, I assumed that all gay men slept with each other. I didn't understand how this worked. I also watched SEX AND THE CITY. Here was a group of straight women who were very close, who were friends, who were loyal…and they hadn't slept together. I could not relate. It made no sense to me.
Not until I finally began dealing with my issues in a more healthy way and that I began to develop healthy friendships did I finally "get it." In my case, I had to become so broken and feel so useless, I realized that there were people who loved and cared about me. The most amazing thing is that they didn't have to get naked to prove it.
Lovey was on staff at a very large church not far from our home in Suburban Virginia. It had 1500 families who attended regularly. I had been a member of that church for quite sometime. I held many positions. But she decided to tar and feather me. As a result, the church turned its back on me…and I found that I only had the support of two straight men. They let it be known that they cared about my well being and that they were there to watch my back. They checked on me. They helped me to get settled as a newly out, newly separated, gay man.
They taught me what the meaning of care and compassion really is.
So, after 9 long years of being separated/divorced. I've experienced a lot of healing. But I've learned that it is due to my family of choice --- the people I choose to have in my life. The ones that know all about me and love me anyway. The ones who do not sit on the sidelines and criticize. These are the ones who have stood by me. They have walked beside me. The''ve checked on me. They've taught me all about unconditional love.
I now work to me del this behavior to others. I'm just sorry that it took such a colossal upheaval in my life to get me to this place.
But I'm soldiering on.
Yes, I finally understand the Queer As Folk guys and the Sex and the City girls.
Gosh I've come along way in the eight years I've been writing this blog.
Thanks for reading….
I think all kids in that era assumed that was how life had always been, how life was at the time, and it was how life would be in the future -- until we take that next adventure beyond the veil of death.
Down deep I knew that I was very different. I couldn't understand what that difference was. But I knew early on that my view of the world was not what a lot of my other friends thought. For example, one day in car pool, one of the boys in my Jr. High produced a pornographic magazine. We sat in the back seat looking at the adults in all kinds of sexual positions. It was the first time I had seen a naked woman with her legs spread. My friend was going nuts at the view. I found myself more arouse by the well built man who was with her. His penis was magnificent.
It confirmed that I indeed, was a different sort of teen.
All my life I fought it. I was told that marriage would fix me. I threw myself into ihe relationship with Lovey wholeheartedly. But, as I have written before….things have a way of catching up with you. My gayness began to rebel. My hormones began raging. So I began acting on my long held desires.
Not only did I beome swept up in the things that closeted gay men do, I found myself drawn to reading materials that provided insight into my identity. I read everything I could get my hands on. I learned that I was not alone and that there were quite a number of other men just like me.
I also came to the point at wondering if being gay was only about hookups and getting off -- anonymously, furtively. Over and over again. I was frightened. But at that time, things like I was experiencing were not things one discussed with anyone. For the longest time, I worried. The feelings of self loathing brought me to the brink of suicede a number of times. It was an awful time.
Then, in the midst of my angst, the TV series, QUEER AS FOLK showed up on pay tv. I was mesmerized. I could not believe that there could be a group of 5 gay men…who were friends….who were loyal….and they didn't sleep together. From my vantage point, I assumed that all gay men slept with each other. I didn't understand how this worked. I also watched SEX AND THE CITY. Here was a group of straight women who were very close, who were friends, who were loyal…and they hadn't slept together. I could not relate. It made no sense to me.
Not until I finally began dealing with my issues in a more healthy way and that I began to develop healthy friendships did I finally "get it." In my case, I had to become so broken and feel so useless, I realized that there were people who loved and cared about me. The most amazing thing is that they didn't have to get naked to prove it.
Lovey was on staff at a very large church not far from our home in Suburban Virginia. It had 1500 families who attended regularly. I had been a member of that church for quite sometime. I held many positions. But she decided to tar and feather me. As a result, the church turned its back on me…and I found that I only had the support of two straight men. They let it be known that they cared about my well being and that they were there to watch my back. They checked on me. They helped me to get settled as a newly out, newly separated, gay man.
They taught me what the meaning of care and compassion really is.
So, after 9 long years of being separated/divorced. I've experienced a lot of healing. But I've learned that it is due to my family of choice --- the people I choose to have in my life. The ones that know all about me and love me anyway. The ones who do not sit on the sidelines and criticize. These are the ones who have stood by me. They have walked beside me. The''ve checked on me. They've taught me all about unconditional love.
I now work to me del this behavior to others. I'm just sorry that it took such a colossal upheaval in my life to get me to this place.
But I'm soldiering on.
Yes, I finally understand the Queer As Folk guys and the Sex and the City girls.
Gosh I've come along way in the eight years I've been writing this blog.
Thanks for reading….
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Working on me...
So, I haven't written in a while. Rather than writing about the same old tired theme of not having love in my life. Having tons of mangled dates. Meeting a host of game players and users. I thought it would be best to remain silent, until I had something more substantive to write about.
Today, I have several things to write.
Here goes….
As I have spilled my guts in writing for this blog, you know my ups and my downs. Rather than trying to come off as wonderful airbrushed gay guy, who has finally come to terms with the loss of his marriage, who is now living a perfect and happy life, and life is all peachy keen deluxe, it has been filled with lots of twists and turns.
And I have not hid any of my feelings and I have worked to be honest and to be real, and let you see my life and all the rough edges.
In taking this approach, I've received feedback from some of you -- mostly affirming and encouraging. But, then there were others of you who accused me of lying or writing a "bunch of crock" -- probably because my life has not made sense to you…or it doesn't match your view of how a life such as mine should be.
I'm far from perfect. I hope that you see that in all my writings here. I'm still a work in progress.
Here goes my latest installment.
I had a boyfriend once. I've written about him in this blog. We met at a gay married men's support group in 1997. He was married. I was married. His wife knew. My wife knew. My wife supported me in this relationship… It lasted for 12 years -- until the day he spoke the words "Frank, you're now a single gay man. We're out of synch. You deserve someone in your life full time. I can't be that someone because I can't leave my family and wife for you. So, this needs to end."
I hadn't made any demands. In fact, I remember saying, "Well Gee….can't we keep this going the way it has been going. I'm not ready and I don't want to have another relationship right away." He refused. He would not be with a single gay man.
So it ended. Much to my sadness. l fell into a 3 month fling with another much younger and single man from my church. It was a fling -- plain and simple. He and I were only together 3 months and he ran off with my then best friend -- also from church.
So, I have spent the last 5 years trying to fill the void. It hasn't happened.
My former BF took up with an older and a single gay man. He's still married. When this relationship began, I have to admit that I was deeply troubled. He had made such a big deal of the fact that I was single and he was married…and that we were out synch….when he began dating this other single guy….it hit me wrong….and I immediately ran to the place: "What's wrong with me?"
Still I soldiered on. I put on a happy face. I never let him see how much this has bothered me. As time has progressed, I have healed very nicely.
But today was an unusually bad day. You see, since I'm on the board of directors of my church, I here from the Pastor frequently. He keeps the board posted on news affecting the church. He sent an email this morning announcing that my former BF's mom passed away.
She had and I had a fairly decent relationship. I visited her at the nursing home several times. Her mind was going..but she was always happy to have me come by. In fact, my ex-BF does not know all the times I dropped by her room. It broke my heart to see her fading.
Today, when I got the news, I can't describe how I felt. It tore open all the wounds of the loss of my parents. It hurt that I had not heard the news directly from him. I sent messages of my condolences to him. My kids also sent theirs.
But it left me feeling so empty.
And so profoundly sad.
It wrecked me today. But I was successful in going on about my day and not allowing my feelings affect my work.
I know what it's like to have love. I know what it's like to have a relationship that grows and grows….
I also know what it's like to be alone.
A single gay man.
Send positive thoughts and prayers in my direction. While I could be selfish and request that you pray I find a new bf, I realize that I'm older. Because I'm no longer in the youthful generation, my pool of datable men gets smaller each passing day. I'm happy being me. So, I won't ask for you to pray that I'll find a mate.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Thoughts on a Snowy Day
It is a very snowy and cold day here in the Washington, DC metro area. As such, I find myself at home -- office closed -- looking out the french doors onto my deck and watching the snow fall and the listening to the wind howl around my townhouse. Since it has been ages since my last post, I thought I would sit down and write of my latest adventures. My life continues to be interesting.
I am doing well. I've made a conscious effort to put myself out "there" and actively and aggressively dating. In this exercise I have met some wonderful men...but sadly, I've not found any who were of the bf variety. For whatever reason it appears that I only attract the following types:
1. Married men on the "down low". Although some of these guys are real gems, all they want is naked romps in the hay. I'm getting too old and too tired for this type of activity.
2. Married men, out to their wives. Wives hate them for it. Wives make their lives hell for the most part. They have allegiances to her. "I owe her everything," they say. But in the end, they aren't really willing to just end the marriage because one word from her and the childrem will be forever alienated from them. Still their insatiable sex drives compel them to seek out willing partners. This cloak and dagger aspect and the fact that I would be someone's dirty little secret also make me tired. Not into that either.
3. Gay men in loveless partnerships/sexless marriages or longterm relationships. They in essence can't commit to a new relationship, but like sex......see items 1 & 2.
4. The single guys who will send me the nicest responses to my ads on Match.com and other dating sites. They begin with all moonlight, roses, and warm puppy discussions. When I respond, their next question is: "Are you generous?" or "Will you be my sugar daddy?" Immediate switch off and block feature activated.
5. The single guys who spend time schedule meeting after meeting...only to have "the dog ate my homework" kind of moments. In other words these are the no shows. So, I've been burned a few times.
Given all that....I think I have given up on ever finding a man to truly love me.
Oddly after all this time. I'm pretty okay with this development.
You see, I've been on this journey for quite a while now since the divorce from Lovey. It has been long.....twists and turns. Think roller coaster, with twists, turns, euphoric climbs and stomach churning drops. I've explored. I've seen the seamy underbelly of the gay world. I've explored the sex clubs, the orgies, the three ways, and all the sex a guy could handle.
I've learned my likes and dislikes.
I've learned that sex without any emotional context is mechanical at best. Empty in the end at most.
The man that I have referred to earlier....my long time love that was with me for 12 years...and because of my divorce and who "loved me enough to let me go" because I was single and deserved a fulltime love, has now found love with another single man, who keeps checking out my match.com profile.
It's all rather disheartening.
However, in discussing my lack of love and the perils of gay male dating, I've been assure that what I am experiencing is not much different from that which my nearly 30 year old twin daughters are experiencing in the straight dating world. As I've told to them, their mother was the only person I ever dated....so my only context is the gay male dating scene.
So, here I sit, on this cold snowy day in Washington, D.C. -- contemplating my existence. I'm thankful for all my blessings. Hoping for a better tomorrow
In the back of my mind, I hope love finds me.
I'm tired of looking.
I am doing well. I've made a conscious effort to put myself out "there" and actively and aggressively dating. In this exercise I have met some wonderful men...but sadly, I've not found any who were of the bf variety. For whatever reason it appears that I only attract the following types:
1. Married men on the "down low". Although some of these guys are real gems, all they want is naked romps in the hay. I'm getting too old and too tired for this type of activity.
2. Married men, out to their wives. Wives hate them for it. Wives make their lives hell for the most part. They have allegiances to her. "I owe her everything," they say. But in the end, they aren't really willing to just end the marriage because one word from her and the childrem will be forever alienated from them. Still their insatiable sex drives compel them to seek out willing partners. This cloak and dagger aspect and the fact that I would be someone's dirty little secret also make me tired. Not into that either.
3. Gay men in loveless partnerships/sexless marriages or longterm relationships. They in essence can't commit to a new relationship, but like sex......see items 1 & 2.
4. The single guys who will send me the nicest responses to my ads on Match.com and other dating sites. They begin with all moonlight, roses, and warm puppy discussions. When I respond, their next question is: "Are you generous?" or "Will you be my sugar daddy?" Immediate switch off and block feature activated.
5. The single guys who spend time schedule meeting after meeting...only to have "the dog ate my homework" kind of moments. In other words these are the no shows. So, I've been burned a few times.
Given all that....I think I have given up on ever finding a man to truly love me.
Oddly after all this time. I'm pretty okay with this development.
You see, I've been on this journey for quite a while now since the divorce from Lovey. It has been long.....twists and turns. Think roller coaster, with twists, turns, euphoric climbs and stomach churning drops. I've explored. I've seen the seamy underbelly of the gay world. I've explored the sex clubs, the orgies, the three ways, and all the sex a guy could handle.
I've learned my likes and dislikes.
I've learned that sex without any emotional context is mechanical at best. Empty in the end at most.
The man that I have referred to earlier....my long time love that was with me for 12 years...and because of my divorce and who "loved me enough to let me go" because I was single and deserved a fulltime love, has now found love with another single man, who keeps checking out my match.com profile.
It's all rather disheartening.
However, in discussing my lack of love and the perils of gay male dating, I've been assure that what I am experiencing is not much different from that which my nearly 30 year old twin daughters are experiencing in the straight dating world. As I've told to them, their mother was the only person I ever dated....so my only context is the gay male dating scene.
So, here I sit, on this cold snowy day in Washington, D.C. -- contemplating my existence. I'm thankful for all my blessings. Hoping for a better tomorrow
In the back of my mind, I hope love finds me.
I'm tired of looking.
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Settling as a Gay Man
Good morning you all. Frank is back after a busy summer. I've spent a number of days contemplating my journey and thinking about where I go from here. Based on the last comment I received on this blog -- which by the way was quite negative, it was clear that the person did not get the purpose of this blog. They also did not get the point that this blog has been about my journey -- good and bad -- unblemished. It has been about things that affected me. It was not scripted.
It documents my struggles, my insecurities, my weaknesses.
So my life has been far from perfect. It is not a bunch of "croc" as has I have een accused of writing.
The bottom line here is that I survived the journey from a heterosexual marriage. The painful separation. The divorce negotiations. The finality of the ruling and steaming full steam into gay life as a single -- older -- gay man.
I have gone through having lots of anger...hatred....hurt...for a vairety of people. But all those negative feelings have setled. I am truly happy. I'm truly comfortable in my own skin. I am gay, unapologetically so.
As of this writing, I have joined a host of dating sites. Not those hookup sites. I'm not looking for a quick lay or hookup. I'm looking for love, companionship over the long term. I'm done with the sex parties...the promiscuous sex that early on I thought was a right of passage as a gay man. I've since learned that this is not the case.
I've receieved a number of great inquiries into my profile. I've been on dates. So, I may have what I have been seeking. FINALLY.
I joined MATCH.COM not long ago. I"ve had a number of views. Met a lot of different people -- the majority of which have been far from what I would consider as my "match."
I met Ron on July 4 after he and I had been corresponding for a while. He appeared attractive. Although he spent the majority of our initial meeting trying to impress me with his accomplishments and his wealth, I agreed to meet him again. At that meeting he kept looking at his watch because he had to be done by a certain time because his next date was due to start. We parted company. He then wroe to say that he and one of his other dates were off to the midwest and that they would be staying in a presidential suite....blah...blah.... Sorry that it didn't work out he said. So that was that.
Kicked to the curb, I did some detective work about Ron. Turns out that he lied about his age and circumstances. So this worked out to my benefit. A couple of weeks ago, he contacted me again to say that he wanted to date me. I asked about his other "date" and he said that not everything is as it appears. I agreed with him...and said thanks but no thanks.
A number of guys from thousands of miles away have expressed interest. But for th elife of me, I don't think long distance relationships ever work out. I'm not sure I want to expend the energy to try.
Then there wa the flight attendant based in California, but is moving back here. Met him for dinner. But I didn't feel the magic.
Another candidate is a man that I have known for many, many years. His husband and he have been going through a rough patch at the point of divorce. I told my friend that we are adults....yes there is attraction, but I will not be the "other woman". I will not be party to a divorce or the cause of a break up. So I have left this situation alone. Not heard from these guys in three months.
So dating is an interesting proposition. Especially for a an that has little experience in that realm. I only dated my wife.
So life continues. But I'm definitely in a good place!
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