Could It Be That Things Are Beginning to Look Up?

I received notice this week that one of my all time favorite male Christian Vocalists was going to be holding a concert at my old church this past Saturday. I looked at #2 and said, "We gotta go!" So it all worked out that a friend from church couldn't go, and he gave me his two tickets.

Keep in mind that this was the church that so warmly embraced "Lovey"...and where I became invisible. Few people contacted me. I was so bitter and angry at them. Most of all I was angry at my pastor (MP). He was the subject of an earlier post. (See "Fat, Old, and Cranky") If you've read that posting, you'll note that I sent him a heartfelt and impassioned email about how I felt about things. To date, I had not heard from him.

So, I was a bit intimidated about showing up at church. After all, since folks were so apparently entranced by Lovey's presence and her obvious spirituality, what would they think of me, the lowly queer, Frank?

I decided to find out!

So #2 and I went to the concert and we got there early.

I was practically mobbed by folks.

Even by people I didn't know.

All of them saying how much they had missed me. Was I back? How have I been? Am I okay?

I was a bit overwhelmed...

Then he appeared. MP!

He had a "deer in the headlights" look about him. He approached rather haltingly and reached out his hand. "How are you?", he slightly faltered. "I am fine," I said warmly and pleasantly. (I was amazed at my own sincerity!)

"I'm glad," he continued. "Did you get my letter?" he asked.

"No," I answered a bit surprised. "Where did you send it...?" and then I recited my myriads of email addresses.... "I didn't email..I sent it to the home address I have on file for you."

"Ah...I haven't seen it....but I will look for it when I get home."

So, with that, I went to the concert.

The music was fantastic...and seeing the people at church...smiling warmly at me...and showing genuine compassion and warmth to me brought me to tears.

I got home very late, but #2 and I went through all the mail we had received during the past week. Saw absoulutely nothing from the church. Then we picked up a catalog that was marked for the trash heap.....and there stuck into page 47 was a small cream envelope.....hand addressed, with the church parsonage's return address. The postman evidently had put some small pieces of mail inside periodicals and catalogs and they are easily missed.

I sat down in my easy chair....and opened the envelope.

It was amazing....

A Silver Anniversary

December 12, 2006 will be my 25th Wedding Anniversary! So, in honor of that auspicious occasion, I want to do something outlandish! I want do do something just for me!

What should it be?

What would you do given my situation?

Drop me a line at the.phoenix@cox.net and tell me!

Another Week Grinds to an End!

I really must apologize to all of you out there. I've not been the world's best blogger of late. And, it's showing....my readership is down.....I'm down....UGH!

My downness is medically related....my diabetes does things to my emotional state....and the fact that fall is fast upon us does not help. I'm a spring/summer person.....fall and winter just do not do it for me.

#1 has been quite a trooper at my house. Yesterday I walked in and found that she had painted the main bathroom. She and I had been discussing the possibility of doing that since we had paint from a friend that was used to do her room....and a lot of it was left over...and the bathroom is not huge. So there it stood in all of its glory....pale yellow....

It's amazing what a coat of new paint will do to something. It changes the entire atmosphere of the room. It certainly did it to her bedroom. We also invested in ton of plantation blinds....bright white ones....and took down those yucky shears in the living room....and the old venetian blinds out of her room. The character of both places has changed! Immensely.

I'm so proud of the house.

It's beginning to take on my personality.

I have a three day weekend ahead of me....and I have lots planned. The salvation army-like group is coming to pick up junk tomorrow. I have to have it on my stoop by 7am. Voila...it will be gone.

I'm putting out the old Christmas Tree.....and old wall hangings that "Lovey" rescued from the trash a long time ago...and anything else that I can get out there...depending on my energy levels!

Then, I plan to clean out the room that will become my office....where I can sit and write....and contemplate my existence. I've begun a manuscript for a book and will add to it and maybe reorganize it a bit. Then, on top of that, I'll use this blog as a resource. Plus, there's a lot of stuff I have not shared with anyone, anyplace. So, it promises to be juicy. **wink**

Monday, my dining room furniture officially arrives. So, once that is in place....and my pictures get hung.....I plan to take some tasteful interior shots of my entire house....and let you see the before and after!

By the end of October, I plan to make my final purchase...and it will be all done! I won't need another thing! I'm going to buy a 65-inch DLP television for the recreation room. That way I can enjoy my love of movies in an almost movie-like setting! AND...I can have company over for film nights. (Since I have a full collection of gay themed motion pictures, I plan to have a monthly get together for my gay married men's group...)

So, there.

I have survived June 20!

I've survived the flood of 2006 which happened only five days after Lovey moved....my basement was ruined......the furniture there was ruined.....boxes of stuff was ruined! UGH.

I've survived separation....

I've survived Lovey!

And here I am like the little pink Eveready Bunny....I keep going....and going....and going....and going....

Negotiations Continue

It has been a while since I last wrote, and I do apologize. It has been a very busy time at my house, and so I’ve been purely focusing on those items.

Yesterday I went to see a gastroenterologist. In view of my mother’s colon cancer, and also given the fact that a cousin of mine just died at age 36 from gastric problems, I thought that I had better go and schedule a colonoscopy. So, I went yesterday for the consult…and given my family’s history, and the fact that I have been having heartburn, they also want to do an endoscopy.

What fun!

The big day is October 5 at 7:00 a.m.

I would appreciate your positive thoughts and prayers.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I responded to Lovey’s demands for more alimony:

Keep in mind that alimony, in our state, is primarily used for housing expenditures i.e., mortgage, rent, etc. which is particularly appropriate when the other spouse has not had a career (like being a stay at home spouse), has no educational credentials or advanced degrees and has no skills that would mean they would have to enter the job market at an older age and where career prospects are dim. While I understand your concerns about buying a home when you retire, etc., remember that you will be having social security income, your pension from the church, your pension from your law firm, your pension from your last job -- 20 years from now. All those investments will grow exponentially over the next 20 years. Further, consider the fact that your salary will continue to increase during the time that you choose to pastor. Heck, with your educational credentials alone, you could branch out and get a teaching career on top of everything else....or become an adjunct professor somewhere. Finally, your childhood home will continue to increase in value over the long term. This is like money in the bank. For example, one website sets the value at $655,404. Your gross share of that would be $163,851. A hunk of this alone would make a dandy downpayment on a house anywhere!

Given all this PLUS the settlement from your interest in our home, coupled with the fact that you'll be receiving 1/2 of my retirement, plus any cash inheritance left over from your Dad AND your Mom, I'm not sure that you really have anything to worry about in terms of security in the future. In fact, your future is a whole lot more solid than mine will ever be.

Consider this:

Were I to retire right now with 28 years of service....I could look at receiving approximately $42,000 per year.... As it is currently written in your separation agreement, you would get around $20,000 of this or more.....and if you expect me to pay the $6,000 survivor’s benefit out of that, I'm down to $14,000. Yes, I do have a house, but by the time I were to sell (I certainly couldn't keep it, I am not in a career that translates into a private sector job well…perhaps I could pick up a job at McDonalds maybe....or Wal-Mart....in any event, the house would have to go)....and pay real estate commissions, and the like, I'd clear maybe $35,000 if I'm lucky. So, even with my TSP, and my 401(k), I can probably look at a retirement of approximately $50,000 per year. (This is a whole lot to show for a career in the federal service.) So, as you can see, I'm going to be working a VERY long time. (Does this now make sense as to why, earlier in our negotiations, I offered to leave my claim against your retirement in return for your leaving my civil service retirement alone?)

Given these facts, if we were to wind up in court (and I'm not wanting to spend any more money going that route if I can help it), I think you stand to lose a lot more. $900 per month, in your town, for living expenses, may appear excessive, especially when you pay no housing costs for your primary residence OR the fact that you earn in excess of $30K plus funerals and weddings, etc.

She responded:

Frank, I have had to dip deeply into the money I received from transferring the house to your name, so that money is not certain for my future. I am not guaranteed a lot of extra money from weddings and funerals –pastors in my denomination do not ask for honoraria for doing these services for members, and I don’t have time for a side business for non-members. I am not as likely as a man to “make it to the top” of the denominational pay scale in the next 20 years, especially since 3 of those years are as a probationary member in two churches that rely on fund raisers just to meet their operating budgets. I don’t have any desire to teach as an adjunct professor (no time), and I would need to get my D.Min. degree first (a master’s degree is not enough) – which I have to pay full fare for, and that won’t be cheap! Finally, please don’t try to figure out what my inheritance will be from my Mom – I’d rather have her any day than the material gain her death might bring. She may need to sell her home at some point in order to be in an assisted living facility, and that situation could greatly reduce or even wipe out any inheritance we daughters might receive, so I cannot afford to count on that.

My final response:

Please don't think that all I'm doing is sitting back trying to calculate your inheritance and counting on your mother's demise. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER. I, like you, want her around for MANY years to come. All I was trying to do is to see beyond the current constraints....and to get you to see that you have far to go....and don't underestimate yourself. Most of all, your security should not revovle around me, your ex. I've gone about as far as I can.... BUT...lookat the various roles that women clergy have assumed in the denominational hierarchy. Don't sell yourself short. Your career prospects are much brighter than mine, and what you think.

No further discussion…

A Letter from Lovey!

She actually wrote me a letter!

An old fashioned, typewritten, folded, enveloped licked, postage paid, postage delivered LETTER!

And you know what she said?

She wants her alimony to start...and the agreement signed.....PRONTO!

Let's review!

I turned the agreement around last year PRONTO, and she has had my draft for nearly a year without anything further happening.

So now, I have had her new/old version for almost 4 weeks....waiting for my attorney to return from vacation.....and she is pushing to move things along.

Hmmmm.

She has now increased her amount of alimony requested by two hundred dollars per month!

I responded with an email that set forth my expenditures, and suggested that we might want to have alimony to start less and increase gently over the next how ever long it takes.... I also told her that even though I had thought she was getting her own automobile policy as stated in her letter, that I noted that it was still apearing on my insurance.

She sent me an email in response....no letter this time.

"Yes, I’m still on your insurance. I made the effort to contact the insurance company and I spoke to them on August 22 to find out why I was still on your policy. Since I’m not receiving any other support from you – and I could really use it at this point – I guess I will stay on your policy for a while longer. Thanks for budgeting it in.

I’m having trouble getting the paperwork from the Conference Office for the medical –I don’t know why, but I need to call them AGAIN and ask for them to send it. (I was supposed to have it more than 2 weeks ago, but it hasn’t shown up in the mail.) However, without support I cannot afford the increased out of pocket expenses my own policy would pose right now (the plan is not as good as previously thought), so I’ll remain on your policy for the moment.

I realize that the separation agreement we marked up and discussed is different from the one we made edits to. I’m not sure what happened there, but it’s my attorney's version and I’d like to go with it. It’s just as thorough and legal as your attorney’s version, and since I had the first draft done, I’d like to keep to that format. (I’m just sorry you spent so much money having her write an entirely different agreement which said much of the same thing – had you initiated the separation, we would use your draft I am sure. Please mark it up and send it to me. As I said in my letter to you last week, I’m all for you and me going over it before it goes back to the attorneys. I really would like to get everything over and done with.

Concerning alimony figures, I should ask for $900, which is half of what I am technically entitled to – that figure has to do with more than my mere monthly expenses – I will be 70 when I retire, and I have no property/home to retire in, and I have to do something about that in the next few years.) I have not asked for an unreasonable amount (if we have to take this to court, which I would rather avoid, I could end up getting a larger sum, but I would not be awarded less)..."

Peace,

Lovey"


Stay tuned...

Random Ideas...

I can't help but think that somehow we married gay men live in a netherworld.

Simply put: damned if you do.....damned if you don't....

Let me explain.

Typically we get married at a young age -- with little life experience....or the concepts of how to deal with major life decisions. It all comes through trial and error and time.

So why is it then that because we choose to marry because we believe the lie that we can change.....and sadly when it turns out that we can't......and we come out......somehow we're the villain? Or that....we somehow deceived someone?

Perhaps it was deception on some level.

I was deceived by society.....and by the church.....that I could get married and things would straighten themselves out.

I came out to Lovey to be honest.....in order to have some help with this issue that I had dealt with so long.

Somehow I didn't receive that support.....and I think I wound up giving the support...to her and to her ministry....and to the children.

The no physical intimacy part was Lovey's idea.....her bit to "replenish the earth" as she so eloquently put it.....was done.

So....

Here I am.....almost 50.....working to navigate the waters of gayness by myself...... However, I have many years of marriage, of child rearing.....of living.....to draw from.

I just wish I was about 30 years younger...where I could have made more informed choices.......not based on societal or church demands.

And...to Wife of Another Gay Man......I do value your insights....please keep reading...and keep posting your comments!

Living a Lie?

A reader of this blog writes:

My dear Frank
Where was the love/acceptance/willingness to learn and understand?
Lovey stayed with you, essentially living a lie, for 25 years!! THAT was the measure of her enormous love for you.
Finally, as most of us do, she had enough and got out. Like us, she probably yearns for an intimate relationship with a straight man; she may be grieving for 25 'lost' years trying to fight tgt (a fight she could never win because as you know tgt never goes away - it's not a choice).

BTW has it occurred to you that your friend's 'accepting' wife may not have a choice? Women in their 60s don't usually have the financial resources to leave.

Don't continue to be 'friends' with Lovey & her family. Let her go. Let her move on. In this way you will be able to move on too.

*******************

Whatever happened to the concept of the marriage vows that state: "...for better and for worse"?

As I read the above post to my blog, I couldn't help but feel like this reader thinks that I was out every night of the week having indescriminate sex and ignoring my wife! or maybe somehow the very fact that I was a living and breathing gay man, I was somehow mistreating my wife. She thinks that by the fact that Lovey stuck by me for 25 years that it was a sign of great love......that all we had was a 25 year old lie.

I then ask, where's the lie? What was the lie?

Was the lie the fact that I couldn't have an intimate relationship with her?

Was the lie the fact that I did my best to compensate for that in all other ways?

Was the lie the fact that I denied myself in order to make her happy?

Was the lie the fact that there were 8 siginificant deaths in my family during those 25 years, and not once did she go with me to a funeral.....or attend a family reunion......or spend time with the kids........or go on family vacations.......was that the lie?

Was the lie the fact that she always put her ministry first? To always be doing something else when the kids needed her....or wanted her....and now...she is paying the price by having adult children who don't want to have anything to do with her? They avoid contact with her....and her family if possible.

In the end....is sex all that defines a marriage? Is that THE lie?

If so, then God help the straight man that becomes paralyzed and is unable to perform from the neck down!

I loved my wife deeply for 25 years. In spite of the gay thing......in spite of my secret longings......in spite of the secret wishes I had to have made other choices in my younger days...... I supported her totally as she struggled through her ministry.....through her many different positions......when she threw away a lucrative career.......took extensive paycuts......overspent.....etc..... I loved her unconditionally.

Some straight folks don't seem to "get it"....that although we may be gay....we still love....and have feelings for our wives.... those we have committed to. Some of us are willing to sacrifice a great deal to stay in a marriage to a woman.

So, did Lovey suffer in all those 25 years? I don't think so.

I sacrificed willingly.... I struggled to make ends meet. I struggled harder to keep the kids close to their mom.

In the end, I failed.

I'm gay. I couldn't have sex with my wife.

Where's the lie?

What is Your Definition of a True Friend?

What a day!

This is the first time I have had any moments to myself since I walked in the door to my office this morning! Meetings....meetings and more meetings.

There is joy being a government bureaucrat!

Last night I was invited out to dinner by two gay friends. One of them lives here locally. The other is from the West Coast and a member of one of the online support groups that I am a member of.

Why is it that I look so forward to these little meetings? I guess it's the affirmation.....the joy of just being myself without a guard up. There's no fear of discovery.

Through my 48 years on this planet, I never really had close male friends until I actually came to terms with my gayness. It's odd, but in straight situations I still am aloof and that wall of protection is still in place. BUT...with all of my gay friends, I'm able to laugh...to relax....and be me.

I don't have to keep secrets or worry about my gayness inadvertently slipping out.

The guys and I talked openly and honestly about where we are in our journeys. They are both involved in straight marriages and have been so involved for many years. They have children. They are successful.

We all talked about integration and how our sexuality permeates who we are and our very beings. It actually defines who we are and how we see the world.

It's not a choice.

We talked about how we came out. We compared the similarities of how our wives reacted.... Our needs for male friends....male intimacy.

Each man was different, yet the same.

I have many acquaintences, but very few friends.

Why?

Primarily because I define a true friend as someone who knows all there is to know about you, but still loves and supports you. Very few in my circle fit into that category.

When speaking of how we came out to our wives, I'm amazed at how supportive those guys' wives have been. One of them found out her husband was gay when she was watching a taped tv program. At the end, before she could turn the VCR off, she saw video footage of her husband being fisted by another man. Well, the husband couldn't lie his way out of that situation. He had to confess.

Everything.

With that footage playing in the background, there's no way to sugar coat the issue!

Still I was struck by her undying love for her husband. Her acceptance. Her willingness to learn and to try and understand. They are still together...three years after! He's 62.

I suppose that's what still hurts me the most about Lovey. After 25 years, where was the love? The acceptance? The willingness to learn and to try and understand?

Why did she turn into such an alien creature -- one that I didn't know -- a TOTAL stranger?

And now, I'm left with wondering if I want this woman in my life going forward. Do I really want her and her wacko family as friends? Do I just bow out? Gracefully?

Yes, she is the mother of my children. She's their mother...not mine.

I just need to breath....and continue taking it one day....one step at a time.

Mom O'Lovey

Back when I was a silly youth that was newly married, the fad in cars were air bags.
Then, those cars were a novelty.

In those early, carefree days, I would roll my eyes when riding with my inlaws anywhere. I was usually in the back seat with Lovey. The inlaws were generally seated in the front seat pontificating about all manner of topics.

I used to tell my friends that I was the first on my block to ride in a car with dual airbags in the front. LOL.

As you know, I've been working very hard to have my house clean, select nice, well-appointed furniture including that outstanding Grandfathers Clock. My dining room furniture is set to arrive sometime in the next couple of weeks, so in the interim I've been painting #1's room to get ready for her new bedroom furniture. I haven't hung any pictures, because I want to do this once all the furniture is in place and all the junk is removed.

Well, wouldn't you know, Mom O'Lovey just had to come by. I made the mistake on Saturday of telling her that I had already purchased some furniture. I was intentionally vague.

According to #1, she was highly critical of everything. She didn't like wher I had put the clock. She didn't like the paintings I had selected. They were too large she thought. She then told #1 to tell me to stop buying stuff...that I was getting way over my head financially. (TRANSLATED: AT THIS RATE HE WILL BE UNABLE TO FORK OVER $$$$$$ TO MY FAIR DAUGHTER LOVEY!!!!)

Then, she saw #1's room. #1 made the mistake of talking about the furniture she was about to get...and Mom O'Lovey succeeded in dissuading that purchase. "You're only going to be using it a couple of months before you leave," she told her. "By the time you return from the Peace Corps, your taste will have changed."

So, we're not getting the furniture.

I'm frosted.

Is it any wonder that I have been unable to make choices easily about furniture and stuff with this amount of criticalness I have had? 25 years worth?

Great scott.

However, I'm somewhat amazed at how I'm taking all this in. I mean, I'm not upset or ready to confront her. I know this would only serve to make me look bad. So, I'm just keeping my opinions to myself and will continue to make choices that please me.

She doesn't know my financial standing....she knows very little about me......only what Lovey has told her. Only God knows what that has been. Probably the same things I've heard from Lovey. You know:

I made her life hell!

I wouldn't let her be who she was!

I wouldn't let her buy shoes!

I'm queer.

***sigh***

A New Week Begins

I've been working myself silly just trying to get my house in order.

It seems that every waking moment I amd doing something to the house. I've lost count of the number of trash bags of "junk" I have gotten rid of. Where does it all come from?

A lady friend came over this weekend to assist my daughter with her room. (This friend had been a guest in my home on numerous occasions during Lovey's tenure.) When she walked in the front door she said, "YOU have really been working at this haven't you? It looks totally different!"

Confirmation.

Words I wanted to hear.

This is the effect I want to achieve.

I want it to be different, clean, organized, nice, yet comfortable.

Things appear to be falling into place rather nicely.

One wrinkle: a letter from Lovey.

She wrote me to say that she thinks she should be getting even more alimony from me because she is just not able to save like she would like. She also requests help on her auto insurance. She then tells me that she is afraid that I am "boxing myself in" financially like she knows I am prone to do.

Hmmmmm.

The only times that I have been boxed in is trying to pay her bills....and since she has been off my account, I've not had any problems.....and I don't intend to have any problems.

To be honest, her letter got me cranked...big time! Even from beyond the bounds of our marriage she is still trying to control things.

Some things just aren't going to ever change.

My Darling Daughters

I just took these pictures of my darling daughters earlier this week....and thought I would share them with you. #2 is behind #1.

A Visit With Lovey

This post may ramble...so I apologize in advance.

I spoke with Mom this morning and she sounds more like her old self. She's relieved to be home and she said that she slept very well in her own bed at home.

I'm so relieved that she is back home and that she is doing so well. I told her before she went into surgery the first time, that right now I need her and Dad more than I ever have in my adult life. I also said that if she see the famed "light" to turn her back on it and run....not walk, into the other direction!

Perhaps I'm selfish.

But, I am an only child. I feel that I have suffered enough loss for a while. I didn't want to lose her or dad...not just yet.

I spent a lot of time with #1 and #2 while #2 was in town. It was great being with them and just listening to them.

On this past Sunday #1 wanted us to drive to Lovey's to drop off some stuff. #1 said, "C'mon Dad. You won't even have to drive."

So, reluctantly I went. Part of me didn't really want to go...and a part of me was curious to see if she was happy and to see firsthand what she had gotten herself into.

A curious thing happened.

The closer we got to our destination, the more my head began to ache. I could feel all of my muscles tense. How I dreaded this.

The house that Lovey now lives in is a one floor rambler, circa 1966. The carport has been enclosed to make a pastor's office. There's a gray gravel driveway. The main entrance to the house is in the center of the building, with a concrete step-up porch that is surrounded by white wrought iron railing. It extends from the front door to the gravel driveway that stops just at where the carport would have been.

Once you've entered the home you find yourself standing at one end of the comfy living room. From here you can proceed straight to the kitchen, or turn left to the portion of the house holding the three bedrooms or two bathrooms. Or if you proceed through the kitchen, you can exit the house through sliding glass doors to the small patio, or the nearly acre of yard. Or if you turn right at the edge of the kitchen you can walk through to the office or to the laundry room.

No central air conditioning. Two small window units are in the entire house. One is in Lovey's bedroom, the other is at the other end of the house in her office. Both emitted mildewy smells. "I don't know how to clean the filters," Lovey announced. I immediately went into fix-it mode....and I removed the filters and cleaned them for her.

There was all the old familiar furniture from our house....now in HER house It fit the house well. Everything was tastefully arranged. Pictures on the walls hung in well appointed groupings.

And there I was...looking at a photograph of me with Lovey on one of our wedding anniversaries. It was sitting on a chest of drawers in one of her guest rooms.

She then wanted me to see her churches. I looked them over. She said that her honeymoon period with these churches is over. Something about a conflict with a very controlling member that she has to "confront" shortly. He wasn't in church that day and refused to return any of her telephone calls.

Hmmmmm.

She then starts talking about wanting to leave in three years to move someplace else.

She's not even settled here yet....and already wanting to leave.

Trials by Fire

Mom came home today from her second visit to the hospital and her second major surgery in 4 weeks! She won't let me be there with her. She's arranged for Home Healthcare to come and change her dressings once a day. (Dad will do it in the evenings.)

She's definitely not herself...and when I talk to her I can hear the frustration and residual pain in her voice.

The doctor made a mistake, and he 'fessed up to it. He says that her muscle did not separate as first thought. This is translated: she didn't have to go through this second surgery, but because he thought things were going on that weren't, she had the second surgery! Can you believe it?

She frustrated.

Can you really blame her?

I just pray now that she can continue the healing process and move forward.

Sort of reminds me of me and the healing process I now find myself in.

I'm in a healing process and desperately want to move forward.

What a summer!

I was so dreading June 20. The departure. The aftermath. Purchasing furniture...the right furniture. Cancer. My mother.

Whew! It makes me tired to think about it all.

But here I am...still surviving.....still going from one day to another. Each day seems a bit better than the last.

I told a friend at lunch that I'm sick and tired of being "down". I have no real good reason to be depressed. It's time for me to get over it already. Enough!

Some of the furniture has arrived. I still need to have my dining room stuff arrive. Then, once all this is done. I will take some tasteful pictures of the decorating job that Frank did and post them for you to see.

Yes....I'm gonna make it after all!

SURGERY AGAIN!

News came late this afternoon that my mother will need to have surgery again in the morning at 11am EDT.

Why?

Her muscle has separated from the incision exposing the bowel and if it is not repaired quickly she will run the risk of having a hernia. The infection in the incision is healing nicely...but this one thing remains a problem.

She will be in the hospital at least 2 days, but more like 4-5 days.

I don't know what to do...whether to go.....or whether to stay here. Mom wants me to stay here. But I think I should go...but I have so much to catch up on at work, furniture delivery on Saturday, daughter #2 leaving for Nashville on Monday.

UGH....I

Hurt

Will this hurt ever go away?

Everything always seems to be just below the surface – ready to erupt at any moment like a volcano.

Last night the hurt surfaced again in a simple conversation with my children. It seems that Lovey says that I never was the man that she thought she married. I guess she was right.

But I did try.

And, after a year of marriage, I couldn’t live a lie and I told her the truth. I told her who I thought I was.

I made myself vulnerable to her.

I told the kids that I thought that was what one did in a marriage. You make yourself vulnerable. You trust them. You expect them to be there for you. You expect acceptance and unconditional love.

I gave all those things to Lovey. I accepted her for who she was…not who I wanted her to be….not who I thought she was….. I loved her unconditionally…through all the nagging, the outbursts, the tears, the shrieking, the multitude of medical tests, the endless arguments about everything. That’s what married folks do I thought.

Yet, through it all, Lovey harbored all these “other” feelings about me. Feelings she never discussed. Feelings she probably didn’t even know she had at the time.

And, now she is sharing them with the kids….and her feelings are coming back to me.

Indirectly.

And then those indirect comments…when they come at me….act like little coal mines….digging below the surface….hitting the core of my buried volcano of hurt…..and it begins to churn inside me……

And it finally erupts. It erupts in a cascade of tears…down my face.

I guess when all is said and done and I look back, Lovey was never the woman I thought she was when I married her.

Will this hurt ever go away?

Fat, Old and Cranky

Fat, old and cranky -- that's me!

I'm not sure that I told you this or not, but last week upon my return from the parents' house and in the midst of my rejoicing at mom's glowing health reports, I received a brief email from Lovey's former boss at the church, otherwise known as my pastor...(MP).

MP said that he had been thinking of me and my mother and that he wanted me to be well aware of the fact that he had been praying for us. He also wanted me to be sure to let him know when I returned to my home so that he could call me on the the telephone.

I can tell that I am cranky. Years ago I would have felt all gracious and nice inside for his note. Now I'm just angry and ready to go full tilt because MP has been here well over a year now. He knows quite well the drama that has been playing within my household. I'm sure that Lovey has filled in all the details.

No email....no cards......no phone calls in over a year! Now, he comes to me to say how much I have been in his prayers because of my mother. But WHY now?

So, I let all these negative thoughts sit and simmer. I was in no hurry to contact MP. I had some wounds to lick.... I had to become less cranky.

So last night I wrote him an email that let him know what I thought....and how I was feeling:

MP:

Thanks for your email. I have returned home and am currently spending some good family time with my daughters, #1 and #2.

I wanted you to know that I truly appreciate all your thoughts and prayers on my mother's behalf. She is indeed an answer to prayer and continues to make great improvements daily. I am greatly relieved that she is doing so well.

MP, while I'm responding to your email, I feel that I need to clear the air on another matter that has really been consuming me for quite sometime. It has left me rather raw. Since I've not really known what to say or how to address it ..I have remained silent and maintained a low profile at church. As a matter of fact, during Lovey's latter months there, I quit coming altogether. No one there knows any of what I have been through during the past year and two months. To put it succinctly, it has been hell.

Did you know that during all this I have not received one single call or note from K (the associate pastor), D (the interim pastor who shared with the congregation how the ministers at her exams felt they were on holy ground when they were in Lovey's presence -- see earlier entry), or yourself during the trauma of my separation and divorce? Near the end of the time that I did come, I felt like I was invisible. While I realize that because Lovey was on staff there, a natural outgrowth of this would be certain allegiances to her. I also realize that in a divorce action, folks generally feel the need to take sides. That's fine and I understand that. BUT...I'm not looking for people to choose sides. What I would have hoped for was that when my world was coming unglued....and I was questioning my spirituality....my relationship with God.....when I was feeling like a dung heap....when my self esteem was in the toilet.... A minister from my church would call or write to me and say, "Hey frank....I know that things are going on right now....and that you may be hurting. I just wanted you to know that I'm praying for you....that I care....that you will make it. I'm praying for you. Do you need anything?" That would have meant so very, very much.

But it just didn't happen.

I am not bitter. I'm not being petty or childish. I'm just a guy who is working to slowly rebuild his life after the person that he loved more than anyone or anything else walked out. It forced me to face many difficult issues head-on that I believed to be dealt with long ago. The pain, the profound sadness, and the loneliness have been daunting. The grief I have been through cannot be described.

To be honest, I don't know what to do about returning to church. Given the fact that so many people hold Lovey in such high regard, I don't know if I would even be welcome there or how I am viewed as a result of the publicized separation and divorce.

It's funny. As I continue through the grieving process, I am haunted by things from the past. For example, Lovey told me before we got married almost 25 years ago that her ministry would always come first. Silly me thought that I or the kids would occasionally come first.

I was mistaken.

It has been a long, long journey. I never thought I would be single again at the age of 48.

Frank

I sent this via email late last night. So far I have not received a response.

I may not EVER receive a response. At least I got what I need to off my chest and I feel a lot better.

I suppose that being fat, old and cranky is a plus! After all, when one is fat, old and cranky you just don't care anymore what people think about you and the need to walk on eggshells decreases.

A Very Long Day

Today started off really well.

I awoke after a wonderful night's rest. Both my daughters are here for the following week. It's good to have other people wanding through the house.

I got up early -- planning to arrive at the office early. I have so much to get caught up on....after having been gone for over 2 weeks. I was eager to start the day! But as fate would have it, when I got to my car, the thing wouldn't start. It was dead in the water. This is a new car that I got in March!

So, I went back into my house and called my 24 hour roadside assistance. I called them at 8:30a.m. The tow truck didn't arrive until 5:30 p.m. In other words, I had another unplanned day off. So, I got to enjoy my daughters...but in the back of my mind, I worried about what I was missing at the office.

Oh well....

I then had dinner with a friend...that had been scheduled for several days. The friend, a single gay man, and I spent the dinner hour sharing stories of coming out.....dating experiences.....and the like.

At the end of the meal, he smiled and said that it was so refreshing to be able to have dinner with someone who had it all together -- me. (Gee,, imagine....he actually thinks that I have it "all together.")

Why is it that we're always the last people to accept compliments or realize that we have it all together? Today I have thought a lot about how I feel like I am such a weakling emotionally...and how I feel like I'm going to melt down at any time.

But on the other hand....

I look at all the things I have made it through during this past year. I'm amazed that I am still standing.

I AM standing! Head held high....shoulders back......

After all that I have faced.....I am STILL standing!

The Deed is Done!

Well, I've gone and done it!

That chore that I really dreaded and felt so unsure of myself about a few months ago: picking out and buying new furniture.

I finally decided that it needed to be done. I had to buy living room, dining room, and recreation room, furniture. A good friend of mine, who lives next door, Charlene, spent her Saturday going with me from store to store. I showed her what I liked and awaited the criticism.

I always got it from Lovey in some shape or form.

"You have no taste. No sense of colors. You're color blind," Lovey would often say. She'd also say that she didn't want to spend money on things, because of some orphan in Africa needing our contributions in order to survive....or God forbid, she'd not be able to buy shoes. Go back and look at the earlier post I did about Lovey's Shoe Carousel. Lovey obviously took a vow of poverty during some earlier life.

Criticism never came from Charlene's direction. If anything, she said that I had a great sense of taste AND style. She remarked that this was the funnest shopping trip she had ever been on, because I had already done my homework she said. I was amazed. A woman actually told me that had chosen very well. So, over the course of spending money and making my final purchases, I saved approximately $3,100. I also got a glass cocktail table, two glass end tables, two table lamps and a floor lamp. Then I bought three pieces of elegant artwork that will tie everything together.

It arrives on Saturday.

Charlene is a decorator and has excellent taste herself. She thinks I'm really good at making my selections.

Me!

Isn't that something? Why did I think this was going to be so difficult? It probably was due to the internal phobia I had developed because of all the previous criticism I had received through 25 years.

I'm slowly learning that Frank can make decisions...good ones at that.

On the way home, I confessed to Charlene all that Lovey used to say to me. Charlene was shocked.

She was shocked that the good reverend would be that critical.

"I could write a book, Charlene," I said.

"Doesn't surprise me," she replied. "When Lovey sees what all you have done to your house, and the furniture you have selected....she's going to have a cow," Charlene giggled.

"She can send it to the orphans in Africa," I deadpanned.

Charlene grinned. "You're awful," she said.

I know.

Friday Night...Late

A busy day....just trying to get caught up from all that I missed while with my parents in West Virginia during the past 2.5 weeks.

Somewhere around noon, the bottom seemed to drop out...and I felt like my world ended. No specific reason other than it just happened.

I think it must have been a chemical imbalance of some kind. Diabetes (and I'm diabetic) is known to play with your emotions. So, with all the stuff I have gone through over the past few months, these occasional imbalances make things that more difficult. Yuck.

I want so much to level off....and get on with my life. In spite of the physical maladies that I must struggle with, I so want to get past it all.

Late this afternoon daughter #2 called to let me know that she and her sister had made it safely to Winchester. It took them 10 hours to drive from Nashville to Winchester. They sounded happy and like they had a good time. I'm glad for this. I just hope that they are able to enjoy their mom without any major blowups.

I'm sure I will hear all about it if they do.

Whew...life keeps getting more dramatic and "interesting."

Why Am I The Way I Am?

I just can't seem to figure myself out. Perhaps I spend too much time over analyzing things and that is the problem. BUT, still, I wonder why it is that I react the way I do to some things.

Earlier this week, I received a telephone message from Lovey. She was looking for some of her X-rays and wanted me to check to see if I could find them in the piles of leftovers she left for me when she departed on June 20. I looked and didn't find them.

Just hearing her voice set me off.

I didn't talk to her directly....all I heard was the recording of her voice in my voicemail at home. Every muscle in my body tensed....my jaw clenched. My doctor and other friends say that this is probably how I always was around her, but my living life alone without her is so different, that when I do have those bodily responses to her, I am in a better position to notice.

Perhaps.

Nonetheless, it isn't pleasant. Hopefully when the divorce is finished, I can better control contact with her...and minimize it to an all time low so that I don't have to have this happen.

Maybe one day I will be able to not have this happen in her presence.

This morning on the way in to the office, #1 called to say she and her sister were in Knoxville, TN...headed to Winchester, VA to visit their mother. They're going to be there for two full nights and won't get to my house until sometime on Sunday evening.

I thought they were only going to be there on Saturday night.

I had planned for them to be at my house on Sunday in time for lunch.

I was wrong...

I'm a little bothered by all this and I don't know why. After all, Lovey is their mother and she deserves time with them. Am I getting to be overly possessive? Is this a shred of jealousy surfacing?

This stuff has got to go! I'm secure in my relationship with my kids. Lovey has lots of fences to mend.

No need for jealousy here on my part!