The end of 2006: THANK GOD!
I made it.
I must confess...this weekend has not been the piece of cake that I had hoped for. I thought that it would be like Christmas, my 25th anniversary, and Thanksgiving....all nonevents.
But this one thus far has been different.
I suppose what hasw made this holiday so different is the fact that I'm spending it alone, with my 3 kids. The only person missing is Lovey and it makes me feel sad. I know that I shouldn't be feeling this way....intelectually....but I do....so I just need to deal with it.
I worked very hard today to cook a wonderful New Year's Eve meal. (Yes, I can cook!) We had baked honey ham, mashed potatoes, fresh veggies, salad, hot rolls, apple sauce and cole slaw. It was delicious...and I sat there and looked into the eyes of my now adult children and asked them what there goals are for the coming year.... #1 says that she wants to arrive in El Salvador safely...and have a good time on her 27 month adventure. #2 said that she wants to find a job (she just graduated from college) and pursue her dream of becoming a peformer. My son the marine just looked at me and said he had no goals....until he leaves the marines in about 16 months.
Then, they all turned to me and asked what my goal was.... After some thought, I said, I just want to be happy.
With those words, I fell apart.....and sobbed.
They all understood why.
#2 looked at me and said.... "Dad...we understand. You're going through mourning....and it will take time. BUT....remember, you have three kids who love you dearly, a dog that loves you, a beautiful home, a wonderful job, your help is continually improving, and YOU are so much better off."
So, this was my reality check.
It's at times like this that I realize I do not have it all together. That I'm still a bit fragile around the edges. My pride has been damaged..... And this whole process....the separation...the upcoming divorce.....my children's imminent departures to parts unknown......have all stripped any facade I had away from me. I live in the nakedness of insecurity...and see how fragile life is. How fragile the world is. How fragile the world I know is. How fragile my parents are.....how fragile I am.
It all is so scary.
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Saturday, December 30, 2006
It's Saturday Morning
I'm sitting near the Christmas tree. All my kids are asleep in their beds here at my house. It's great feeling to know that they are safe and warm.
With all three of them expected to go their separate ways in a matter of days....my son back to Camp LeJeune, #1 to El Salvador and #2 to Nashville....I find myself feeling just a bit of melancholy.
How I wish that things had been different for them. I mean, I wish that the mother/father relationship had not disintegrated entirely. I wish that our family had remained intact.
Sort of.
I mean, I'm gay...and I'm not sorry about that.
It's just that old feeling of failure......and being "damaged goods" that's rearing it's ugly head this morning.
I think I need some coffee.
With all three of them expected to go their separate ways in a matter of days....my son back to Camp LeJeune, #1 to El Salvador and #2 to Nashville....I find myself feeling just a bit of melancholy.
How I wish that things had been different for them. I mean, I wish that the mother/father relationship had not disintegrated entirely. I wish that our family had remained intact.
Sort of.
I mean, I'm gay...and I'm not sorry about that.
It's just that old feeling of failure......and being "damaged goods" that's rearing it's ugly head this morning.
I think I need some coffee.
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Thursday
Mom and Dad left around 4:30 this morning. It certainly ripped my heart out of my chest to see them leave.
They've been through so much this year...but they have fought it together: Mom's cancer removal, Dad's cataract removal..... They've also been there for me....during all the drama of this year...and the year before that. Quietly they have been there...supporting me all the way through.
I am so blessed to have them.
With the grandkids in and out, I didn't get to spend as much one-on-one time with my parents, but the time we did get to talk was special indeed!
Dad's ministrokes have left him appearing so fragile....and so "out of it" at times....but Mother is alert.....fiery as ever.......and her memory quite keen. As a matter of fact, she spent many conversations beginning with, "Do you remember when Lovey did this or that?" I must confess....the things she remembered, I didn't remember quite as vividly...but hearing mom speak of them really served as confirmations of the fact that I am doing so very, very well without Lovey.
Throughout my time off, I have run across additional journal entries.....and notes that Lovey had written to God.... These notes also set forth some rather outrageous accusations about me. I won't list them out here...because I am not trying to use this blog as a BASH LOVEY forum. But, rather, this provides a safe place for me to write my feelings and observations and to obtain your feedback.
Now that I have many months of distance from me and Lovey....and what was.... I'm finding these writings troubling. It shows how far along the journey I have come. I used to want to jump up and defend myself to these accusations.... But now, I just sigh....file them away.....and pray for vindication to come in other ways. I am confident that it will come -- in time.
I am such a complex creature. New facets of my personality appear to emerge almost daily. I say "new"...but actually they are really like very old...and very trusted friends who have been away for such a long time. My care and compassion have returned.....my desire to do little things for people is back. My interest in a variety of hobbies is back....my desire to do some traveling is back. This is all merging into the New Old Frank. I'm liking what I'm beginning to see. I'm also working hard to trust my instincts again.
Remember my poor God Foresaken Christmas Letter?
I received a telephone call from Lovey's aunt. She left me a sweet and nice voice mail about it. She said in part that it was the best Christmas Letter she had ever read and that she was very impressed as to how I handled all the issues so tastefully. So, here is another voice from Lovey's "side", who didn't see it as "cold" or "harsh."
I still receive such odd comments from others. My brother-in-law....and my sister-in-law, who had Christmas Dinner with us...they both said to me that I looked so relaxed...and younger. Well, I can assuredly say that I am NOT younger. Relaxed? Well, a better term might be exhausted. But my blood pressure numbers are down. Everything else seems to be getting better. So positive things are happening.
But, today the blues are back. Perhaps it's because the holidays are almost over or that my parents have gone home. Or maybe it's the dread of knowing that my eldest daughter, #1, is moving off to El Salvador on February 5 to begin 27 months of work for the Peace Corps and I'll be alone in my house, with my dog.
Hopefully the divorce will be final by then.
This fog is manageable.
They've been through so much this year...but they have fought it together: Mom's cancer removal, Dad's cataract removal..... They've also been there for me....during all the drama of this year...and the year before that. Quietly they have been there...supporting me all the way through.
I am so blessed to have them.
With the grandkids in and out, I didn't get to spend as much one-on-one time with my parents, but the time we did get to talk was special indeed!
Dad's ministrokes have left him appearing so fragile....and so "out of it" at times....but Mother is alert.....fiery as ever.......and her memory quite keen. As a matter of fact, she spent many conversations beginning with, "Do you remember when Lovey did this or that?" I must confess....the things she remembered, I didn't remember quite as vividly...but hearing mom speak of them really served as confirmations of the fact that I am doing so very, very well without Lovey.
Throughout my time off, I have run across additional journal entries.....and notes that Lovey had written to God.... These notes also set forth some rather outrageous accusations about me. I won't list them out here...because I am not trying to use this blog as a BASH LOVEY forum. But, rather, this provides a safe place for me to write my feelings and observations and to obtain your feedback.
Now that I have many months of distance from me and Lovey....and what was.... I'm finding these writings troubling. It shows how far along the journey I have come. I used to want to jump up and defend myself to these accusations.... But now, I just sigh....file them away.....and pray for vindication to come in other ways. I am confident that it will come -- in time.
I am such a complex creature. New facets of my personality appear to emerge almost daily. I say "new"...but actually they are really like very old...and very trusted friends who have been away for such a long time. My care and compassion have returned.....my desire to do little things for people is back. My interest in a variety of hobbies is back....my desire to do some traveling is back. This is all merging into the New Old Frank. I'm liking what I'm beginning to see. I'm also working hard to trust my instincts again.
Remember my poor God Foresaken Christmas Letter?
I received a telephone call from Lovey's aunt. She left me a sweet and nice voice mail about it. She said in part that it was the best Christmas Letter she had ever read and that she was very impressed as to how I handled all the issues so tastefully. So, here is another voice from Lovey's "side", who didn't see it as "cold" or "harsh."
I still receive such odd comments from others. My brother-in-law....and my sister-in-law, who had Christmas Dinner with us...they both said to me that I looked so relaxed...and younger. Well, I can assuredly say that I am NOT younger. Relaxed? Well, a better term might be exhausted. But my blood pressure numbers are down. Everything else seems to be getting better. So positive things are happening.
But, today the blues are back. Perhaps it's because the holidays are almost over or that my parents have gone home. Or maybe it's the dread of knowing that my eldest daughter, #1, is moving off to El Salvador on February 5 to begin 27 months of work for the Peace Corps and I'll be alone in my house, with my dog.
Hopefully the divorce will be final by then.
This fog is manageable.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
New Christmas Traditions -- I think!
Christmas Morning began very early.
Mom and Dad and Daughters #1 and #2 were all at my house. I explained to all of them that this was an important day for me because it was the first one without Lovey on the premises.
(Last year was totally strange...we were separated as you will remember, but still under the same roof. [The state of Virginia permits this arrangement.] All my kids were there....Lovey was there...and me. We opened presents last year on December 23. On December 24, the kids and I headed off to our annual vacation in Sarasota, Florida...followed by Lovey on December 25. We were all STRESSED out....and it was just not a good time at all.)
I wanted this Christmas to be one of the best ever...simply because of the significance of my being by myself and this basically being the beginning of a new phase of my life.
The kids were pleased with all their "stuff"..... Mom and Dad were pleased with all of theirs. Me? I was just pleased to have them all with me. (Of course, it would have been nice to have some special hunk to snuggle with....and to share the day with....but one day --)
Then, the BIGGEST gesture of holiday spirit I could muster...I invited Mom O'Lovey and Lovey's niece, Amanda down. Amanda is like a third daughter to me...and she really doesn't have a good relationship with her mom/stepdad...or even with her dad/stepmom for that matter.
So there we were...in the glow of the Christmas lights....gathered around my dining room table....sharing breakfast on my new china. My mom was amused with Mom O'Lovey, because Mom O'Lovey is such a control freak.... So my mom just graciously backed away and allowed Mrs. O'Lovey to control whatever she felt she needed to in order to be happy.
The conversation was light...and no real stress.... Then, we all said our goodbyes...and they left. Mom O'Lovey had to be at her house (two blocks away) for Lovey's arrival. They had to be at the train station at 2:00 in order to load their car on the autotrain. They were headed to Florida for two weeks...and the train was scheduled to depart at 4:00 p.m.
My daughters went down to wish their mother a Merry Christmas and to give her some presents. But, as I had predicted privately to my mother, the girls wound up having to help their mom and grandma pack. They were stressed to the max....and just running around. The girls got them packed and off toward the autotrain.....at 1:50. Needless to say, they were late getting to the train station.
Finally, when their train steamed out of the station....and as they were happily chugging down the track, #1's cellphone rang. It was her grandma. Grandma had left her check book, would #1 send it to her via mail as quickly as possible? "Sure, Grandma." #1 cherrily replied....and hung up.
Ten minutes later, her cellphone rang again. This time Lovey needed for #1 to call one of her church members to get a telephone number of another church member. So, #1 had my house line on one ear....calling Fred, the church member, in order to get church member Charlotte's phone number; while on the other ear Lovey waited patiently.
It was a little comical to here my daughter say, "Fred? This is #1, Rev. Lovey's Daughter. She's on her way to Sarasota, but needs Charlotte's phone number. Can I get that from you?"
Well, with the information written down and repeated to Lovey....Lovey happily hung up.
Fred hung up.
#1 hung up.
So, sweetly I asked #1, "Why didn't your mom call Fred herself?"
#1 shook her head and said..."I just don't know."
A holiday mystery to solve on another day!
Lovey had left her white cat at her mother's house. The cat, aptly named SNOEE, was set to spend its vacation in the home of Baby Lovey and her husband. (Lovey's Baby Sister)
Now, dear readers, keep in mind that SNOEE used to live in my house and so I know SNOEE quite well.
SNOEE does not like men....even gay ones (me)!
SNOEE does not like to use a litter box for liquid evacuation. He does however use it for solid disposal...just doesn't cover it up. This is all translated that he pees everywhere.
SNOEE is blind in one eye.
SNOEE has arthritis and can hardly go up and down the stairs. Lovey never remembers to give it baby aspirin to make it more comfortable...but I digress.
Baby Lovey and her husband just lost their cat, Alex, just before Christmas. So Lovey thought that taking care of SNOEE would ease them through the pain of their loss. (I'll say. Since they live in a palace....after Snoee christens the carpet a few times, they may be sending it to Sarasota in a few days!)
So, Baby Lovey were coming to Mom O'Lovey's house to pick up SNOEE.
They had no plans for Christmas Dinner. They have no children of their own.
Hmmmmm.....why don't we have them over for diner we thought!
#1 called, invited and they accepted.
And we had a grand time.
We laughed....we talked...and NO stress.
This was momentous for me because we had not hosted any substantive gatherings in my house since 1995. The house was always a wreck. Lovey was always stressed when we had company. She was never happy.
What a neat way to begin this new stage of my life....
It also doesn't hurt that they LOVED the house and all that I had done to it.
I'm sure that Lovey will get a full scale report...
and that's okay.
Oh, and Snoee is all safe and warm!
Mom and Dad and Daughters #1 and #2 were all at my house. I explained to all of them that this was an important day for me because it was the first one without Lovey on the premises.
(Last year was totally strange...we were separated as you will remember, but still under the same roof. [The state of Virginia permits this arrangement.] All my kids were there....Lovey was there...and me. We opened presents last year on December 23. On December 24, the kids and I headed off to our annual vacation in Sarasota, Florida...followed by Lovey on December 25. We were all STRESSED out....and it was just not a good time at all.)
I wanted this Christmas to be one of the best ever...simply because of the significance of my being by myself and this basically being the beginning of a new phase of my life.
The kids were pleased with all their "stuff"..... Mom and Dad were pleased with all of theirs. Me? I was just pleased to have them all with me. (Of course, it would have been nice to have some special hunk to snuggle with....and to share the day with....but one day --)
Then, the BIGGEST gesture of holiday spirit I could muster...I invited Mom O'Lovey and Lovey's niece, Amanda down. Amanda is like a third daughter to me...and she really doesn't have a good relationship with her mom/stepdad...or even with her dad/stepmom for that matter.
So there we were...in the glow of the Christmas lights....gathered around my dining room table....sharing breakfast on my new china. My mom was amused with Mom O'Lovey, because Mom O'Lovey is such a control freak.... So my mom just graciously backed away and allowed Mrs. O'Lovey to control whatever she felt she needed to in order to be happy.
The conversation was light...and no real stress.... Then, we all said our goodbyes...and they left. Mom O'Lovey had to be at her house (two blocks away) for Lovey's arrival. They had to be at the train station at 2:00 in order to load their car on the autotrain. They were headed to Florida for two weeks...and the train was scheduled to depart at 4:00 p.m.
My daughters went down to wish their mother a Merry Christmas and to give her some presents. But, as I had predicted privately to my mother, the girls wound up having to help their mom and grandma pack. They were stressed to the max....and just running around. The girls got them packed and off toward the autotrain.....at 1:50. Needless to say, they were late getting to the train station.
Finally, when their train steamed out of the station....and as they were happily chugging down the track, #1's cellphone rang. It was her grandma. Grandma had left her check book, would #1 send it to her via mail as quickly as possible? "Sure, Grandma." #1 cherrily replied....and hung up.
Ten minutes later, her cellphone rang again. This time Lovey needed for #1 to call one of her church members to get a telephone number of another church member. So, #1 had my house line on one ear....calling Fred, the church member, in order to get church member Charlotte's phone number; while on the other ear Lovey waited patiently.
It was a little comical to here my daughter say, "Fred? This is #1, Rev. Lovey's Daughter. She's on her way to Sarasota, but needs Charlotte's phone number. Can I get that from you?"
Well, with the information written down and repeated to Lovey....Lovey happily hung up.
Fred hung up.
#1 hung up.
So, sweetly I asked #1, "Why didn't your mom call Fred herself?"
#1 shook her head and said..."I just don't know."
A holiday mystery to solve on another day!
Lovey had left her white cat at her mother's house. The cat, aptly named SNOEE, was set to spend its vacation in the home of Baby Lovey and her husband. (Lovey's Baby Sister)
Now, dear readers, keep in mind that SNOEE used to live in my house and so I know SNOEE quite well.
SNOEE does not like men....even gay ones (me)!
SNOEE does not like to use a litter box for liquid evacuation. He does however use it for solid disposal...just doesn't cover it up. This is all translated that he pees everywhere.
SNOEE is blind in one eye.
SNOEE has arthritis and can hardly go up and down the stairs. Lovey never remembers to give it baby aspirin to make it more comfortable...but I digress.
Baby Lovey and her husband just lost their cat, Alex, just before Christmas. So Lovey thought that taking care of SNOEE would ease them through the pain of their loss. (I'll say. Since they live in a palace....after Snoee christens the carpet a few times, they may be sending it to Sarasota in a few days!)
So, Baby Lovey were coming to Mom O'Lovey's house to pick up SNOEE.
They had no plans for Christmas Dinner. They have no children of their own.
Hmmmmm.....why don't we have them over for diner we thought!
#1 called, invited and they accepted.
And we had a grand time.
We laughed....we talked...and NO stress.
This was momentous for me because we had not hosted any substantive gatherings in my house since 1995. The house was always a wreck. Lovey was always stressed when we had company. She was never happy.
What a neat way to begin this new stage of my life....
It also doesn't hurt that they LOVED the house and all that I had done to it.
I'm sure that Lovey will get a full scale report...
and that's okay.
Oh, and Snoee is all safe and warm!
Sunday, December 24, 2006
Christma Eve in Northern Virginia
Christmas Eve 2006.
As I write this, I am sitting in my den, with my parents, and 2 of my 3 children, watching THE FAMILY STONE. It has been a very busy day...just trying to get some last minute gifts. YIKES. I'm exhausted...and the girls, bless 'em, have decided to have Mom O'Lovey down for breakfast at 8:30 a.m. tomorrow. So, I'm going to get to hear about the fact that I didn't do any of the decorating tips she would have done.
So, this is going to be an interesting Christmas celebration.
I went to church this evening....and I felt flickers of profound sadness....but now I think this has totally passed. I'm feeling a little bit better...but just a little bit tired...and a little bit down.
As I write this, I am sitting in my den, with my parents, and 2 of my 3 children, watching THE FAMILY STONE. It has been a very busy day...just trying to get some last minute gifts. YIKES. I'm exhausted...and the girls, bless 'em, have decided to have Mom O'Lovey down for breakfast at 8:30 a.m. tomorrow. So, I'm going to get to hear about the fact that I didn't do any of the decorating tips she would have done.
So, this is going to be an interesting Christmas celebration.
I went to church this evening....and I felt flickers of profound sadness....but now I think this has totally passed. I'm feeling a little bit better...but just a little bit tired...and a little bit down.
Friday, December 22, 2006
Christmas Presents from my Doctor!
Today has been a really busy day....but it has been quite productive.
My soon-to-be X is at her mother's house....just about 2 blocks from my house. My parents have arrived safely....and they are full of awe and wonder at the changes I have made to my house.
My dog got groomed, and looks and smells like a million bucks.
I also had a doctor's appointment....for two reasons actually. One was because I haven't been feeling particularly well ever since Nashville....it turns out that I have a nasty sinus infection that has spread to my ears! The other was because it had been too long since my last visit... I am going to be going back to her on a more frequent basis because I want to live a full life now that Lovey is gone.
So, the doctor took her time with me. We talked about everything under the sun...including the divorce, the kids, the soon-to-be-ex, etc.
The good doctor loaded me up on antibiotics, nasal sprays and refills for my various and sundry ailments. As I got to the waiting room to make my next appointment, my doctor hands me a sizeable brown bag that is sealed. She says it is a Christmas present that is great for diabetics.
So I made my next appointment.
When I got into the car, I opened the bag and almost fell out from laughter. God, it feels so good to laugh again.
Inside the bag were samples of VIAGRA, CIALIS, and LEVITRA!
Do you suppose she thinks I might get lucky over the holidays?
My soon-to-be X is at her mother's house....just about 2 blocks from my house. My parents have arrived safely....and they are full of awe and wonder at the changes I have made to my house.
My dog got groomed, and looks and smells like a million bucks.
I also had a doctor's appointment....for two reasons actually. One was because I haven't been feeling particularly well ever since Nashville....it turns out that I have a nasty sinus infection that has spread to my ears! The other was because it had been too long since my last visit... I am going to be going back to her on a more frequent basis because I want to live a full life now that Lovey is gone.
So, the doctor took her time with me. We talked about everything under the sun...including the divorce, the kids, the soon-to-be-ex, etc.
The good doctor loaded me up on antibiotics, nasal sprays and refills for my various and sundry ailments. As I got to the waiting room to make my next appointment, my doctor hands me a sizeable brown bag that is sealed. She says it is a Christmas present that is great for diabetics.
So I made my next appointment.
When I got into the car, I opened the bag and almost fell out from laughter. God, it feels so good to laugh again.
Inside the bag were samples of VIAGRA, CIALIS, and LEVITRA!
Do you suppose she thinks I might get lucky over the holidays?
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Some News
My attorney called today.
She heard from Lovey's attorney.
Lovey's attorney says that we are all now in agreement on all points concerning the separation. It has only taken a year and a half to reach this point.
The main sticking point has been my reservation of spousal support. In the state of Virginia, when you are going down this awful path, you must state in certain language that you reserve the right to seek support in the event your circumstances warrant. When Lovey saw this language in my first draft back in October '05, she went full tilt. It was basically okay for her to get everything....and basically take me to the cleaners....but woe unto me if I expect some things out of this processs.
The last draft she sent to me this past July, she had a hand written note that said: "I'm not comfortable with this language."
My attorney said that regardless of what she thought....I had the right to have this reservation, made in the statutory language. So, the attorney's have been pretty much duking it out.
I've kept a pretty low profile with Love on all this....and today, I got the word that she finally agreed to all this.
So, after the first of the year, we should have a signed Separation Agreement...YESSSSS.
My attorney then said that at the end of the voice mail that was left by Lovey's attorney....he kind of stammered and stuttered as he said, "Do you think your client might be willing to begin paying alimony before the agreement is signed because Lovey has spent her proceeds from the sale of the family home?"
My attorney giggled a bit....and said that there is no requirement for me to do anything like this. I then asked, "What's in this for me, if I do that?"
My attorney said, "No offer has been made of any kind."
I said, "Well, I'm not inclined to do this..."
So both the attorney and I are ignoring this little twist. I haven't a clue as to what she did with her share of the money, which was pretty sizeable. BUT...this is very typical of her spending habits..... No one believes that she couldn't control her spending....they all think I was the problem. Which wasn't true.
Oh well.....interesting.
Tomorrow night is the big Christmas bash at Mom O'lovey's. This time I did receive an invitation....but I'm not going. My parents are in town...and I want to spend as much time with them as possible.
I've decided that 2007 is going to be a big year for me. To heck with Lovey and her family!
She heard from Lovey's attorney.
Lovey's attorney says that we are all now in agreement on all points concerning the separation. It has only taken a year and a half to reach this point.
The main sticking point has been my reservation of spousal support. In the state of Virginia, when you are going down this awful path, you must state in certain language that you reserve the right to seek support in the event your circumstances warrant. When Lovey saw this language in my first draft back in October '05, she went full tilt. It was basically okay for her to get everything....and basically take me to the cleaners....but woe unto me if I expect some things out of this processs.
The last draft she sent to me this past July, she had a hand written note that said: "I'm not comfortable with this language."
My attorney said that regardless of what she thought....I had the right to have this reservation, made in the statutory language. So, the attorney's have been pretty much duking it out.
I've kept a pretty low profile with Love on all this....and today, I got the word that she finally agreed to all this.
So, after the first of the year, we should have a signed Separation Agreement...YESSSSS.
My attorney then said that at the end of the voice mail that was left by Lovey's attorney....he kind of stammered and stuttered as he said, "Do you think your client might be willing to begin paying alimony before the agreement is signed because Lovey has spent her proceeds from the sale of the family home?"
My attorney giggled a bit....and said that there is no requirement for me to do anything like this. I then asked, "What's in this for me, if I do that?"
My attorney said, "No offer has been made of any kind."
I said, "Well, I'm not inclined to do this..."
So both the attorney and I are ignoring this little twist. I haven't a clue as to what she did with her share of the money, which was pretty sizeable. BUT...this is very typical of her spending habits..... No one believes that she couldn't control her spending....they all think I was the problem. Which wasn't true.
Oh well.....interesting.
Tomorrow night is the big Christmas bash at Mom O'lovey's. This time I did receive an invitation....but I'm not going. My parents are in town...and I want to spend as much time with them as possible.
I've decided that 2007 is going to be a big year for me. To heck with Lovey and her family!
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Coldness
Yesterday evening, I got home rather late. So, I decided to take the girls out to dinner...
Over the course of dinner, my Christmas letter came up again. This time, #2 announced that she thought my references to her mom were "cold."
For those of you who did not read it...here is the "Harsh" and "Cold" mention of Lovey, as it appears in my holiday letter:
"Lovey moved out on June 20, 2006 to begin pastoring her churches elsewhere in the State of Virginia and to officially begin her new life. I spent the remainder of the year trying to get rid of the remaining junk, and to obtain replacement pieces of furniture that she had taken with her. It was quite a job, but thankfully, everything seems to have come together nicely. With the help of my daughter #1, and a few close friends, I have been able to showcase my sense of style and tastes throughout the house so that it now reflects me. The house has been repainted and certain rooms repainted. New carpet has been laid throughout the house. I have a new deck and back fence, along with a new drainage system and sump pump. We also planted new grass in the front yard! Yes, the place is certainly beginning to take shape."
After #2 made her pronouncement, I asked, "Okay...how would you make all this warmer." To which she responded with all manner of throat clearing, squirming and associated movements. BUT...no suggestions.
It's amazing to me how people read things between the lines that just aren't there. They read what they want to read and then think what they want to think. So, in the end, I must be the bad guy. I mean, after all, I wrote the letter.
Gee, I guess I am more evil than I thought.
[Note to Frank: "In the new year, work on being a good person for a change."]
Over the course of dinner, my Christmas letter came up again. This time, #2 announced that she thought my references to her mom were "cold."
For those of you who did not read it...here is the "Harsh" and "Cold" mention of Lovey, as it appears in my holiday letter:
"Lovey moved out on June 20, 2006 to begin pastoring her churches elsewhere in the State of Virginia and to officially begin her new life. I spent the remainder of the year trying to get rid of the remaining junk, and to obtain replacement pieces of furniture that she had taken with her. It was quite a job, but thankfully, everything seems to have come together nicely. With the help of my daughter #1, and a few close friends, I have been able to showcase my sense of style and tastes throughout the house so that it now reflects me. The house has been repainted and certain rooms repainted. New carpet has been laid throughout the house. I have a new deck and back fence, along with a new drainage system and sump pump. We also planted new grass in the front yard! Yes, the place is certainly beginning to take shape."
After #2 made her pronouncement, I asked, "Okay...how would you make all this warmer." To which she responded with all manner of throat clearing, squirming and associated movements. BUT...no suggestions.
It's amazing to me how people read things between the lines that just aren't there. They read what they want to read and then think what they want to think. So, in the end, I must be the bad guy. I mean, after all, I wrote the letter.
Gee, I guess I am more evil than I thought.
[Note to Frank: "In the new year, work on being a good person for a change."]
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Harshness
Well, I have now returned from my wonderful weekend in Nashville. Of course, the main highlight for me was to get to spend some quality time with all of my children. They all appear to be doing quite well in all that they have chosen to do with their lives. I applaud each of them for their many talents and abilities.
I now have both girls at my house. When we arrived from the airport last night, #2 finally got to see the house in its relative final form. #1 had been working fiendishly to put the finishing touches here and there...but the final product was simply OUTSTANDING.
The girls, who adore each other, sat up way into the evening playing Yahtzee. Laughter drifted throughout my house as I faded into sleep, in order to get to work on time today.
One of the first things that #1 said to me this morning is that Mom O'Lovey...or as we refer to her "Grandma"....was not pleased with my holiday letter. She said that she thought my references to LOVEY was "harsh."
When I heard all this, I was frosted.
BUT...I took several deep breaths and started to analyze my feelings:
Why did I get frosted?
What does it matter what Lovey's Mother thinks about my letter?
I then quizzed #1 a bit more. She told me that Grandma says that Lovey told her that I didn't want the furniture...that I would have gotten rid of it anyway...had she not taken it.
I responded by saying that she's right. I did tell this to Lovey because I hated that furniture from the moment we got it into our house. UGH. I would have sold it....donated to Goodwill...anything....but leave it in my house. So she took it.
I'm truly glad she took it....and that she can get some use out of it.
I think Lovey is upset that my world did not come to a crashing halt when she left....or that I didn't just shrivel up and die. Oh, there were times I wanted to, but I didn't.
But, hey, I have made it. I'm feeling pretty good at the moment.
Grandma is just bent out of shape because she has decided to read between the lines of my letter...and read things into it that aren't really there. She also made the comment that my letter was going to some her friends too. When my letter discusses Lovey, it just reiterates facts...without any characterization. She left on June 20....she took all the furniture. She began her new life. End of story.
I think this is all translated into the fact that this divorce...after 25 years....isn't one of Lovey's more stellar achievements. It's not stellar for any of us actually. But given the fact that Lovey is a minister, well....appearances are everything. And without any window dressing, the facts are pretty well....HARSH.
I now have both girls at my house. When we arrived from the airport last night, #2 finally got to see the house in its relative final form. #1 had been working fiendishly to put the finishing touches here and there...but the final product was simply OUTSTANDING.
The girls, who adore each other, sat up way into the evening playing Yahtzee. Laughter drifted throughout my house as I faded into sleep, in order to get to work on time today.
One of the first things that #1 said to me this morning is that Mom O'Lovey...or as we refer to her "Grandma"....was not pleased with my holiday letter. She said that she thought my references to LOVEY was "harsh."
When I heard all this, I was frosted.
BUT...I took several deep breaths and started to analyze my feelings:
Why did I get frosted?
What does it matter what Lovey's Mother thinks about my letter?
I then quizzed #1 a bit more. She told me that Grandma says that Lovey told her that I didn't want the furniture...that I would have gotten rid of it anyway...had she not taken it.
I responded by saying that she's right. I did tell this to Lovey because I hated that furniture from the moment we got it into our house. UGH. I would have sold it....donated to Goodwill...anything....but leave it in my house. So she took it.
I'm truly glad she took it....and that she can get some use out of it.
I think Lovey is upset that my world did not come to a crashing halt when she left....or that I didn't just shrivel up and die. Oh, there were times I wanted to, but I didn't.
But, hey, I have made it. I'm feeling pretty good at the moment.
Grandma is just bent out of shape because she has decided to read between the lines of my letter...and read things into it that aren't really there. She also made the comment that my letter was going to some her friends too. When my letter discusses Lovey, it just reiterates facts...without any characterization. She left on June 20....she took all the furniture. She began her new life. End of story.
I think this is all translated into the fact that this divorce...after 25 years....isn't one of Lovey's more stellar achievements. It's not stellar for any of us actually. But given the fact that Lovey is a minister, well....appearances are everything. And without any window dressing, the facts are pretty well....HARSH.
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Graduation
Greetings from Nashville, TN!
Graduation for my daughter came last night. She was radiant as she walked the stage twice to receive two separate degrees....and she was graduated Magna Cum Laude! She missed Summa Cum Laude by .1! We were all so very proud of her!
It's been a great time of family celebration. I've gotten to spend significant time with my 3 children.... God only knows when all of us will be together again.
I am very blessed to have these kids....and to have them know about the gay thing.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
I Made It!
Well, this is certainly another milestone along my journey...I can say that I not only passed my Silver Wedding Anniversary (still technically married), but I did so with flying colors....all colors of the rainbow intact!
The morning had begun very early. #1 came bounding into my room:
"Happy Anniversary Dad!"
I responded cheerily, "Happy Anniversary to me!"
I bounded out of the bed, gave her a big hug and began my day. The day weather wise was very similar to that day so very long ago.
I showered and got dressed. Went into the office and had a very busy day. Then, in honor of my big day, I took a couple of hours off and went to Macy's and purchased a brand new set of china...since Lovey had taken our wedding china and stuff. I picked my own pattern....it has silver edging......and I got some silver colored chargers.....all in honor of my 25th. AND....I got it all for 50% off!
I then took myself out to dinner at a mexican restaurant....and reflected on my life. I was not down....I was not depressed....but very thankful that I had expereinced all this stuff and lived to tell about it.
I came home...#2 in Nashville called to wish me a happy "Unanniverary"...(that's novel)...and came home...lit up the tree....and continued getting rid of junk.
Fell into bed around 11....and all was well at my house.
Today was AWESSOME....my boss called me into his office and gave me my annual performance appraisal.....plus a $5400 raise..... Then, he gave me a one time bonus of $4500...all totally unexpected.
I've been thinking that I needed some small victories in my life to keep me moving forward.
Well, thank God....this week I've had some MAJOR ones.
The morning had begun very early. #1 came bounding into my room:
"Happy Anniversary Dad!"
I responded cheerily, "Happy Anniversary to me!"
I bounded out of the bed, gave her a big hug and began my day. The day weather wise was very similar to that day so very long ago.
I showered and got dressed. Went into the office and had a very busy day. Then, in honor of my big day, I took a couple of hours off and went to Macy's and purchased a brand new set of china...since Lovey had taken our wedding china and stuff. I picked my own pattern....it has silver edging......and I got some silver colored chargers.....all in honor of my 25th. AND....I got it all for 50% off!
I then took myself out to dinner at a mexican restaurant....and reflected on my life. I was not down....I was not depressed....but very thankful that I had expereinced all this stuff and lived to tell about it.
I came home...#2 in Nashville called to wish me a happy "Unanniverary"...(that's novel)...and came home...lit up the tree....and continued getting rid of junk.
Fell into bed around 11....and all was well at my house.
Today was AWESSOME....my boss called me into his office and gave me my annual performance appraisal.....plus a $5400 raise..... Then, he gave me a one time bonus of $4500...all totally unexpected.
I've been thinking that I needed some small victories in my life to keep me moving forward.
Well, thank God....this week I've had some MAJOR ones.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Midnight Thoughts
As I write this, the clock has just hit midnight. My grandfather clock is chiming 12...and you know what my milestone is?
At 2:00 pm, I will have been married exactly 25 years. This is my SILVER anniversary...and it is so exciting. I remember so clearly how my day was then. The night before had been my rehearsal dinner. All of my groomsmen...three of them with their wives/girlfriends, and Lovey's Bridesmaids...three of them were her sisters....and the daughter of the minister who married us was sort of a junior bridesmaid.
The minister had a deep booming voice.....and the service began with his voice resounding through the church..."And there was a marriage at Cana of Gallilee...."
About 125 people watched us recite our vows....before God and everyone else. My mom and dad were there...not quite knowing what to make of the family I was about to connect to.
It was a big moment...one I won't ever forget. I also have the service on audio cassette....in full stereo. You can hear all of our vows....The music.....the minister... About 3 years ago, I transferred the cassette onto CD....and it sounds great. I've played it for the children...and they get a real charge out of it.
I remember my gay feelings then....but I felt that I was following God's will.... I believed that he would save me or deliver me from this awful sin of perversion.
Now as I think about it all....here 25 years later, He has delivered me. You see, I was gay....I was trying to be straight -- something that I clearly wasn't. Now I'm delivered from the perversion of "straightness." I realize now that I wasn't ever destined to be straight. I am what God made me to be....GAY! GAY as a GOOSE!
It just takes a while to get used to all this.... and to figure out how to deal with it. Living gay in a straight-centric world is a challenge...
But, when I think about things....and see how far I have come along in the journey, it literally blows my mind.
Some of you may think I'm preaching...not really. I'm not trying to convert any of you. Each of us must make our own decisions...follow our own path to happiness....and fulfillment. All I'm doing is offering you a glimpse of my journey...to what I hope and believe will be a happy and peaceful new life.
I choose whether to be a victim....or a participant.... I'm learning to cast aside feelings of victimization. A good example of this is the fact that as I write this, I have only received TWO Christmas cards. Last year....as in previous years....by now I had received about 20 of them...and more arriving every passing day. Not this year. Divorce kind of makes people you know behave strangely. I don't know, but maybe they think they're supposed to take sides. I don't think so...but yet....a lot of 'em have gone to pay attention to Lovey....and her ministry....and her "gifts" and her "talents". I find that at my church I am INVISIBLE.
#1 and I have not been to church in over four weeks. We've been busy...with the house...and in my fit of depression...I just wasn't in the mood.
Last night, a member of the church called to say that they had noticed that #1 had not been in church in over four weeks...and they wanted to make sure that she was okay. Not a word was mentioned about the Dad -- me. YAWN.
Just another sign of my lowered status I suppose.... I think my title is "estranged husband."
Remember all that foolishness about my pastor writing to apologize about not ministering to me.....and how he begged me to give him another chance? Well, I did....and I still haven't gotten that face time with him he promised. Smoke and mirrors....
And you know something?
It doesn't bother me like it used to. I don't give a fig actually....
BUT...I'm not going to be a victim. I have a list of 84 people/couples/families, that I am working to send Christmas cards to. I selected a wonderful and elegant card. I've put in a personalized greeting to everyone on the list...and signed it, "Frank, #1 and Davy the Dawg too!!"
I've sent one to Lovey....and her mother....and all three of her sisters..... I'm sending it to my pastor.... I'm sending it to those people who have been concerned about me....who have hugged me when my heart was heavy.....or when I thought my heart would break.
For all the 84 folks on my list, I've included this letter.... It's only appropriate that I include it here for you all...because you are my family...and friends too.
So, consider this my Christmas card to each of you!
The card is a beautiful glossy painting of the Madonna and Child entitled, "Innocence" by William-Adolphe Bouguereau. Inside the card is a simple greeting that reads, "Wishing you many blessings at Christmas and much joy in the new year."
I signed it.
The letter reads:
"To My Family and Dear Friends:
It is a real privilege for me to be able to write you this Christmas letter. The year 2006 is almost a memory and it is a time for celebration and for giving thanks for the many blessings I have received throughout the year. This has been quite a year! A year of concerns. A year of change. A year of new beginning. And, a year of joys.
Lovey moved out on June 20, 2006 to begin pastoring her churches elsewhere in the State of Virginia and to officially begin her new life. I spent the remainder of the year trying to get rid of the remaining junk, and to obtain replacement pieces of furniture that she had taken with her. It was quite a job, but thankfully, everything seems to have come together nicely. With the help of my daughter #1, and a few close friends, I have been able to showcase my sense of style and tastes throughout the house so that it now reflects me. The house has been repainted and certain rooms repainted. New carpet has been laid throughout the house. I have a new deck and back fence, along with a new drainage system and sump pump. We also planted new grass in the front yard! Yes, the place is certainly beginning to take shape.
My children continue to do well. #1 graduated Summa Cum Laude from Old Dominion University in Norfolk on May 6, 2006. She received her degree in International Studies and Spanish. At present, she is scheduled to leave home for El Salvador in February 2007 for a 27-month tour of duty with the Peace Corps. Although I am happy for her opportunity, I am saddened by the fact that I won’t be able to see her for at least 27 months. (No one ever said that being a dad was easy.)
#2 graduates Summa Cum Laude from Belmont University in Nashville, TN on December 15, 2006. She will receive a Bachelor of Music AND a Bachelor of Business Administration degree. She plans to pursue her goal of becoming a performer aggressively at the beginning of the New Year. I am confident that with her talent, her contacts, and her charm, it won’t be much longer before you hear her on a radio station near you!
My son the Marine is now in his third year in the United States Marine Corps and at this writing is still stationed at Camp LeJeune, North Carolina. He just got promoted to the rank of Corporal and appears to be doing well in his work performing Logistics Support. He may be deployed to Iraq in the coming year! He’s excited about the prospect, but I’m a wreck. (Nope, being a dad is downright hard!)
The summer brought bad news for me. My mother was diagnosed with colon cancer. We spent several anxious weeks during July and August as we went through the process of Mom’s surgery to remove a sizeable tumor (a success), biopsies of various surrounding tissues, and awaiting the results. Thankfully the cancer had not metastasized; she was found to be cancer-free and as a result, was not required to go through any follow-up chemotherapy or radiation treatments. Meanwhile, in October, my dad had cataract surgery and came through it with flying colors! He can now see almost 20/20! (Yes, modern medicine is amazing!)
Needless to say, as 2006 draws to a close, I am so very thankful for making it through another year. I’m also so very thankful for each of you – and especially those of you who have taken the time to drop me a card, or to send me an email, or to call with a word of encouragement or to offer a shoulder on which to lean during some of my more trying times or to put a hand on my shoulder or to give me a warm hug. These small acts of kindness and love will not be forgotten.
You are SO loved!
FRANK"
So, I'm gonna send them out. It just feels like something I should do.
Thanks for all YOUR support. It has meant so much.
I'll let you know how the rest of my day goes today.
At 2:00 pm, I will have been married exactly 25 years. This is my SILVER anniversary...and it is so exciting. I remember so clearly how my day was then. The night before had been my rehearsal dinner. All of my groomsmen...three of them with their wives/girlfriends, and Lovey's Bridesmaids...three of them were her sisters....and the daughter of the minister who married us was sort of a junior bridesmaid.
The minister had a deep booming voice.....and the service began with his voice resounding through the church..."And there was a marriage at Cana of Gallilee...."
About 125 people watched us recite our vows....before God and everyone else. My mom and dad were there...not quite knowing what to make of the family I was about to connect to.
It was a big moment...one I won't ever forget. I also have the service on audio cassette....in full stereo. You can hear all of our vows....The music.....the minister... About 3 years ago, I transferred the cassette onto CD....and it sounds great. I've played it for the children...and they get a real charge out of it.
I remember my gay feelings then....but I felt that I was following God's will.... I believed that he would save me or deliver me from this awful sin of perversion.
Now as I think about it all....here 25 years later, He has delivered me. You see, I was gay....I was trying to be straight -- something that I clearly wasn't. Now I'm delivered from the perversion of "straightness." I realize now that I wasn't ever destined to be straight. I am what God made me to be....GAY! GAY as a GOOSE!
It just takes a while to get used to all this.... and to figure out how to deal with it. Living gay in a straight-centric world is a challenge...
But, when I think about things....and see how far I have come along in the journey, it literally blows my mind.
Some of you may think I'm preaching...not really. I'm not trying to convert any of you. Each of us must make our own decisions...follow our own path to happiness....and fulfillment. All I'm doing is offering you a glimpse of my journey...to what I hope and believe will be a happy and peaceful new life.
I choose whether to be a victim....or a participant.... I'm learning to cast aside feelings of victimization. A good example of this is the fact that as I write this, I have only received TWO Christmas cards. Last year....as in previous years....by now I had received about 20 of them...and more arriving every passing day. Not this year. Divorce kind of makes people you know behave strangely. I don't know, but maybe they think they're supposed to take sides. I don't think so...but yet....a lot of 'em have gone to pay attention to Lovey....and her ministry....and her "gifts" and her "talents". I find that at my church I am INVISIBLE.
#1 and I have not been to church in over four weeks. We've been busy...with the house...and in my fit of depression...I just wasn't in the mood.
Last night, a member of the church called to say that they had noticed that #1 had not been in church in over four weeks...and they wanted to make sure that she was okay. Not a word was mentioned about the Dad -- me. YAWN.
Just another sign of my lowered status I suppose.... I think my title is "estranged husband."
Remember all that foolishness about my pastor writing to apologize about not ministering to me.....and how he begged me to give him another chance? Well, I did....and I still haven't gotten that face time with him he promised. Smoke and mirrors....
And you know something?
It doesn't bother me like it used to. I don't give a fig actually....
BUT...I'm not going to be a victim. I have a list of 84 people/couples/families, that I am working to send Christmas cards to. I selected a wonderful and elegant card. I've put in a personalized greeting to everyone on the list...and signed it, "Frank, #1 and Davy the Dawg too!!"
I've sent one to Lovey....and her mother....and all three of her sisters..... I'm sending it to my pastor.... I'm sending it to those people who have been concerned about me....who have hugged me when my heart was heavy.....or when I thought my heart would break.
For all the 84 folks on my list, I've included this letter.... It's only appropriate that I include it here for you all...because you are my family...and friends too.
So, consider this my Christmas card to each of you!
The card is a beautiful glossy painting of the Madonna and Child entitled, "Innocence" by William-Adolphe Bouguereau. Inside the card is a simple greeting that reads, "Wishing you many blessings at Christmas and much joy in the new year."
I signed it.
The letter reads:
"To My Family and Dear Friends:
It is a real privilege for me to be able to write you this Christmas letter. The year 2006 is almost a memory and it is a time for celebration and for giving thanks for the many blessings I have received throughout the year. This has been quite a year! A year of concerns. A year of change. A year of new beginning. And, a year of joys.
Lovey moved out on June 20, 2006 to begin pastoring her churches elsewhere in the State of Virginia and to officially begin her new life. I spent the remainder of the year trying to get rid of the remaining junk, and to obtain replacement pieces of furniture that she had taken with her. It was quite a job, but thankfully, everything seems to have come together nicely. With the help of my daughter #1, and a few close friends, I have been able to showcase my sense of style and tastes throughout the house so that it now reflects me. The house has been repainted and certain rooms repainted. New carpet has been laid throughout the house. I have a new deck and back fence, along with a new drainage system and sump pump. We also planted new grass in the front yard! Yes, the place is certainly beginning to take shape.
My children continue to do well. #1 graduated Summa Cum Laude from Old Dominion University in Norfolk on May 6, 2006. She received her degree in International Studies and Spanish. At present, she is scheduled to leave home for El Salvador in February 2007 for a 27-month tour of duty with the Peace Corps. Although I am happy for her opportunity, I am saddened by the fact that I won’t be able to see her for at least 27 months. (No one ever said that being a dad was easy.)
#2 graduates Summa Cum Laude from Belmont University in Nashville, TN on December 15, 2006. She will receive a Bachelor of Music AND a Bachelor of Business Administration degree. She plans to pursue her goal of becoming a performer aggressively at the beginning of the New Year. I am confident that with her talent, her contacts, and her charm, it won’t be much longer before you hear her on a radio station near you!
My son the Marine is now in his third year in the United States Marine Corps and at this writing is still stationed at Camp LeJeune, North Carolina. He just got promoted to the rank of Corporal and appears to be doing well in his work performing Logistics Support. He may be deployed to Iraq in the coming year! He’s excited about the prospect, but I’m a wreck. (Nope, being a dad is downright hard!)
The summer brought bad news for me. My mother was diagnosed with colon cancer. We spent several anxious weeks during July and August as we went through the process of Mom’s surgery to remove a sizeable tumor (a success), biopsies of various surrounding tissues, and awaiting the results. Thankfully the cancer had not metastasized; she was found to be cancer-free and as a result, was not required to go through any follow-up chemotherapy or radiation treatments. Meanwhile, in October, my dad had cataract surgery and came through it with flying colors! He can now see almost 20/20! (Yes, modern medicine is amazing!)
Needless to say, as 2006 draws to a close, I am so very thankful for making it through another year. I’m also so very thankful for each of you – and especially those of you who have taken the time to drop me a card, or to send me an email, or to call with a word of encouragement or to offer a shoulder on which to lean during some of my more trying times or to put a hand on my shoulder or to give me a warm hug. These small acts of kindness and love will not be forgotten.
You are SO loved!
FRANK"
So, I'm gonna send them out. It just feels like something I should do.
Thanks for all YOUR support. It has meant so much.
I'll let you know how the rest of my day goes today.
Sunday, December 10, 2006
A Busy Good Weekend
#1 and I have been working like fiends to get the house in final tip-top shape before everyone comes home for Christmas. #1 and I will be hosting #2 and My Son The Marine, along with my parents. It will be the first time any of them have seen what all have been done to the little townhouse. I'm excited. #1 is excited.
WHEW...and I'm exhausted.
Yesterday (Saturday) I passed a milestone of sorts. All during this time of change and turmoil and cleaning out junk, I would generally lose my composure when I would run across an anniversary card....or a Valentine's card....or a birthday card from Lovey. When I would reread all of her prose, I would tear up...and I would have to stop what I was doing and go do something else. It bothered me to read those cards and all her affectionate sentiments.
BUT YESTERDAY, I ran across some really mushy ones from early on in our marital relationship and you know what? They had no effect on me whatsoever. I just put them into a folder and filed them away with other very old keepsakes. I found Lovey's will....I found a multitude of sermons. I read several of the cards to #1...and #1 shook her head and said, "They're all sermons!"
I responded...."Yes, that's all I remember getting." All the cards we found bore this out. #1 was amazed.
I didn't tear up once. I didn't sob...
I just shook my head and went on about my business.
This is a sign of tremendous growth for me.
I never thought I would get out of the rut...but I think I'm getting there.
Friday Night this week is the big night! #2 walks across the stage at her school and receives two degrees. Look out world....my baby girl is on her way.
I'll be with all three of my kids. I think it will be wonderful.
Stay tuned.
WHEW...and I'm exhausted.
Yesterday (Saturday) I passed a milestone of sorts. All during this time of change and turmoil and cleaning out junk, I would generally lose my composure when I would run across an anniversary card....or a Valentine's card....or a birthday card from Lovey. When I would reread all of her prose, I would tear up...and I would have to stop what I was doing and go do something else. It bothered me to read those cards and all her affectionate sentiments.
BUT YESTERDAY, I ran across some really mushy ones from early on in our marital relationship and you know what? They had no effect on me whatsoever. I just put them into a folder and filed them away with other very old keepsakes. I found Lovey's will....I found a multitude of sermons. I read several of the cards to #1...and #1 shook her head and said, "They're all sermons!"
I responded...."Yes, that's all I remember getting." All the cards we found bore this out. #1 was amazed.
I didn't tear up once. I didn't sob...
I just shook my head and went on about my business.
This is a sign of tremendous growth for me.
I never thought I would get out of the rut...but I think I'm getting there.
Friday Night this week is the big night! #2 walks across the stage at her school and receives two degrees. Look out world....my baby girl is on her way.
I'll be with all three of my kids. I think it will be wonderful.
Stay tuned.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
BACK
It’s Been A While
I apologize for my silence… It has been a hectic couple of weeks as I prepare for the holidays. I’m actually looking forward to some down time – time to relax and visit with friends and family. Next week is the long awaited graduation of #2 in Nashville. So, I plan to do some holiday shopping there, and do some things I like to do. They have some fantastic antique/junk stores and the usual tourist traps. It’s going to be fun!
I’ve decided on some new rules for this blog. This is based on my experience last night.
You see, I’ve always said that I would never try to edit myself, or to make myself look good…just to maintain a good appearance for all of you. However, last night, I wrote a post and posted it. A few of you may have read it.
I deleted it first thing this morning.
It was BAD.
However, when I wrote the thing, I was in a very bad mood. I guess that made it rather appropriate. Nothing seemed right….and I was very depressed…
Why? You may be wondering.
Primarily because waiting for me in the mailbox yesterday after noon was a letter from my attorney that enclosed correspondence from Lovey’s attorney concerning an offer I had made to her.
I had offered her a fairly sizeable hunk of money and leave a hunk of her money alone, provided she would agree to leave my pension alone. (50% of it.) It meant that she would walk away with over $100,000 in her retirement accounts NOW, which would continue to grow over the next 15 or so years.
But, her attorney says that this is not negotiable… The only catch is, she only gets my retirement, “if, as, and when” I get it. In other words, if I choose not to retire, she doesn’t get the money. So, given the fact that her portion will greatly reduce my retirement annuity, I’m not planning on retiring anytime soon…God willing.
This appears to be a no-brainer…but then, what do I now?
So the letter from the attorney….and my personal email to her, arrived with my attorney…and then back to me. And, all this hit me wrong. The letter from the attorney to mine…..the email she had written her attorney….
All of it played into my mood….and did a beautiful job at ruining my evening.
But today all feels better in the world.
I apologize for my silence… It has been a hectic couple of weeks as I prepare for the holidays. I’m actually looking forward to some down time – time to relax and visit with friends and family. Next week is the long awaited graduation of #2 in Nashville. So, I plan to do some holiday shopping there, and do some things I like to do. They have some fantastic antique/junk stores and the usual tourist traps. It’s going to be fun!
I’ve decided on some new rules for this blog. This is based on my experience last night.
You see, I’ve always said that I would never try to edit myself, or to make myself look good…just to maintain a good appearance for all of you. However, last night, I wrote a post and posted it. A few of you may have read it.
I deleted it first thing this morning.
It was BAD.
However, when I wrote the thing, I was in a very bad mood. I guess that made it rather appropriate. Nothing seemed right….and I was very depressed…
Why? You may be wondering.
Primarily because waiting for me in the mailbox yesterday after noon was a letter from my attorney that enclosed correspondence from Lovey’s attorney concerning an offer I had made to her.
I had offered her a fairly sizeable hunk of money and leave a hunk of her money alone, provided she would agree to leave my pension alone. (50% of it.) It meant that she would walk away with over $100,000 in her retirement accounts NOW, which would continue to grow over the next 15 or so years.
But, her attorney says that this is not negotiable… The only catch is, she only gets my retirement, “if, as, and when” I get it. In other words, if I choose not to retire, she doesn’t get the money. So, given the fact that her portion will greatly reduce my retirement annuity, I’m not planning on retiring anytime soon…God willing.
This appears to be a no-brainer…but then, what do I now?
So the letter from the attorney….and my personal email to her, arrived with my attorney…and then back to me. And, all this hit me wrong. The letter from the attorney to mine…..the email she had written her attorney….
All of it played into my mood….and did a beautiful job at ruining my evening.
But today all feels better in the world.
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Triggers
Triggers...
I keep searching for the triggers that lead me into the blackness of sadness....of depression.
For the life of me, I can't figure it out.
Somehow today though, I was able to avert the storm that seemed to be hovering off shore... I heard the rumblings and saw the thunderheads....but the storm just never seemed to be able to move in...with full fury.
I've had a wonderful quiet day. I worked with #1 to build some shelves in her bedroom closets. We had quite a time. It was good.
I also did quite a bit of reading today. I read the McGreevy book....I also got caught up on my emails....that had been languishing in my various accounts.
I was taken by one email entry to a group of guys that I belong to that discussed how the person slept always the farthest from the bedroom door -- regardless of how the bedroom furniture was configured -- or even who the partner was at the time. It sort of made me think about my own sleeping arrangements.
Ever since the split, I've slept on "my side" which was always near the windows...away from the door...close to the telephone. I read once that you know you're over your grief when you sleep in the middle of your bed. Somehow I'm just not there yet.
I find myself having nightmares... I'm skittish about sleeping alone. For God's sake I'm almost 50 years old... A few months ago, I was almost frightened of being alone. I finally determined that this was crazy. I'm an adult man. I have my dog. I have my house. What's to be afraid of?
Still, Im learning how to sleep......alone. For years I did it.....and now it should be a piece of cake.
Yes....so much to work through....
I keep searching for the triggers that lead me into the blackness of sadness....of depression.
For the life of me, I can't figure it out.
Somehow today though, I was able to avert the storm that seemed to be hovering off shore... I heard the rumblings and saw the thunderheads....but the storm just never seemed to be able to move in...with full fury.
I've had a wonderful quiet day. I worked with #1 to build some shelves in her bedroom closets. We had quite a time. It was good.
I also did quite a bit of reading today. I read the McGreevy book....I also got caught up on my emails....that had been languishing in my various accounts.
I was taken by one email entry to a group of guys that I belong to that discussed how the person slept always the farthest from the bedroom door -- regardless of how the bedroom furniture was configured -- or even who the partner was at the time. It sort of made me think about my own sleeping arrangements.
Ever since the split, I've slept on "my side" which was always near the windows...away from the door...close to the telephone. I read once that you know you're over your grief when you sleep in the middle of your bed. Somehow I'm just not there yet.
I find myself having nightmares... I'm skittish about sleeping alone. For God's sake I'm almost 50 years old... A few months ago, I was almost frightened of being alone. I finally determined that this was crazy. I'm an adult man. I have my dog. I have my house. What's to be afraid of?
Still, Im learning how to sleep......alone. For years I did it.....and now it should be a piece of cake.
Yes....so much to work through....
Sunday Morning
I'm working to avert another fit of sadness.... It's out there on the horizon...and I feel it coming and I am working like mad to avert it. But the clouds are gathering and the thunder is rumbling.
It has been a good weekend. I have not had any problems dealing with the holiday. As a matter of fact, it was the holiday that helped lift me out of the mire of my last sadness episode.
It was quiet....and it was without drama.
Last Tuesday I spent some time in the presence of my attorney. She had been contacted by Lovey's and had been told that they really want to "speed things up." Inside, I couldn't help but feel that in Lovey's inimitable way, she's probably blaming me for the delay.
I should feel rather good about things. After all, for having been married for 25 years, to have been separated for a year and a half....and only have two little issues delaying the property settlement...I suppose that is a significant accomplishment!
So at the first of the coming week, my attorney will be sending a letter to Lovey's.
With any luck, I will be totally free, by February 1st!
It has been a good weekend. I have not had any problems dealing with the holiday. As a matter of fact, it was the holiday that helped lift me out of the mire of my last sadness episode.
It was quiet....and it was without drama.
Last Tuesday I spent some time in the presence of my attorney. She had been contacted by Lovey's and had been told that they really want to "speed things up." Inside, I couldn't help but feel that in Lovey's inimitable way, she's probably blaming me for the delay.
I should feel rather good about things. After all, for having been married for 25 years, to have been separated for a year and a half....and only have two little issues delaying the property settlement...I suppose that is a significant accomplishment!
So at the first of the coming week, my attorney will be sending a letter to Lovey's.
With any luck, I will be totally free, by February 1st!
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Happy Thanksgiving
What a day!
As I write this on my lap top....my dog is curled up next to me on my love seat in the living room. Again, it is cold, rainy, and somewhat windy.
#1 went off to be with "them" this evening....but I'm sitting here -- NOT DOWN.....just sort of in a mellow mood, counting all my blessings....and planning on going into the office in the morning.
Oh, there was a little bit of drama earlier, when Lovey let #1 know that she thought we should have Mom O'Lovey's strange single neighbor come up and be with us for our meal. This would not have been such a bad idea...had I planned on having him.....and two...had it not been a regular tradition at Mom O'Lovey's to host him. After all, he is her neighbor.
#1 was appalled.....
"After all, you all don't have that many people coming to YOUR house," intoned Lovey.
#1 vetoed the idea quickly.
When #1 told me, I said, well shouldn't your mother have asked me?
#1 responded, "Oh, you know Mom!"
Yes, I have known her for almost 30 years......and that relationship is almost over. Thank God.
Yes, I have much to be thankful for.
As I write this on my lap top....my dog is curled up next to me on my love seat in the living room. Again, it is cold, rainy, and somewhat windy.
#1 went off to be with "them" this evening....but I'm sitting here -- NOT DOWN.....just sort of in a mellow mood, counting all my blessings....and planning on going into the office in the morning.
Oh, there was a little bit of drama earlier, when Lovey let #1 know that she thought we should have Mom O'Lovey's strange single neighbor come up and be with us for our meal. This would not have been such a bad idea...had I planned on having him.....and two...had it not been a regular tradition at Mom O'Lovey's to host him. After all, he is her neighbor.
#1 was appalled.....
"After all, you all don't have that many people coming to YOUR house," intoned Lovey.
#1 vetoed the idea quickly.
When #1 told me, I said, well shouldn't your mother have asked me?
#1 responded, "Oh, you know Mom!"
Yes, I have known her for almost 30 years......and that relationship is almost over. Thank God.
Yes, I have much to be thankful for.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Musings on a Rainy Cold Thanksgiving Eve
The wind is blowing.
The rain comes in sheets…and is bone chilling to the touch.
Car headlights are just glare in the cold blackness.
It’s Thanksgiving Eve.
As I’ve said several times, I don’t try to gloss over what I’m feeling….I let it all hang out there – good and bad.
The last few weeks have not been easy. I’m not sure why. I just have been depressed – saddened to the bone.
It’s a lot like a summer thunderstorm. The white puffy clouds begin to fuse and darken on the horizon. Wind starts to blow…gentle at first….but it grows. The rumble of thunder builds and builds…until finally the entire fury of the storm strikes.
This depression has not been good. I felt it coming…yet I was powerless to avert it. Oh, I tried, but there it was, and it stayed a long while. The fog came. The mourning….the guilt…..the profound sadness….the loneliness….the pain – all longtime companions found their way into my mind.
So here I sit…in the gloominess of this cold, and rainy eve…on the other side of this depression. Somehow I have pulled myself up…and I’m making some progress. I’m pleased with myself. In spite of things that could be taken as negative, I’m not.
I’m not joining “them” for Thanksgiving Dinner – my choice. Oh, Mom O’Lovey made it a point to say how much she wanted me to be a part of the celebration and she seemed genuinely saddened by my gracious turndown. My presence at such gatherings only puts Lovey on edge…or so I hear. Plus, given all the “guests” at this year’s gathering, there’s gonna be more than enough drama. After nearly 25 years, I’m longing to be drama-free.
So, what am I doing you might ask?
Me and #1 are having a quiet Thanksgiving Dinner with all the trimmings at my house, by ourselves mid-day. Originally I had planned to go visit my parents, but beause #1 wanted to stay here to join “them” for their evening celebration, I just wasn’t in the mood to drive all that distance alone.
Further, #2 couldn’t join me in WV from Tennessee. She’s coming down to the wire for the end of her studies…and she’s got a paper she simply has to finish. AND…the Marine has plans away from home this year…
So, I’m warm….I’m safe…..I’m dry….on this cold, rainy, black, Thanksgiving Eve.
And I’m Thankful!
Friday, November 17, 2006
Sorry...
I'm sorry that I haven't written an update until now. However, I've been going through kind of a rough time emotionally... I'm consumed by guilt over who I am....fear of what I may become.......and I mourn what I may have lost in the process.
You see, I grew up with that Beaver Cleaver role model in my head. There was a family made up of a mommy and a daddy...and the kids... AND...here I sit....almost 25 years to the day from the time I went down the aisle with Lovey, all full of hope.....and excitement of what the future had to offer. I was confident that I could be like Ward Cleaver....the dad....the head of the house....the guy who could save the day....and was always there when needed.
Somewhere along the way, I failed miserably....and here I am....trying to get the pieces of my life back together again...and to move on. Sometimes it is a lot easier said than done.
So bear with me.....
While I try and get my act together.
Sunday, November 05, 2006
Strange Weekend of the ABCs.
As I write this I am nearing the end of a very strange weekend.
Not because of anything that has happened.
It's just a feeling that I have.
Of downess.....of gloom......of sadness......of fog........of depression.
It's a feeling akin to claustrophobia.
But why?
I'm blessed with everything. I have 3 wonderful kids. I have a nice house. I have a wonderful, but dumb cocker spaniel.
Where does this gloom and doom eminate from?
When I try to take an inventory of what it is that I am feeling, I guess I feel sadness about the past -- over things I cannot change.
I feel sadness over the feelings of guilt that I have. I should have not taken so much for granted. I should have been more empathetic to my wife and children. Perhaps, even, I shold have put me at the back of the line and forgotten about the gay thing. Perhaps I fixated too much on me and my wants and needs.
Im so very sad about things I should have done......things I could have done.....
I should have been a better man.....a better christian man.....more of a man of faith.......and not allowed myself to be run over.....or to be involved in the contest.
You know the one....about who was the most spiritual in the house.
And yes those god awful scarlett letters-- A is for Adultery; B is for Bad; C is for Coward; D is for Damned.
F is for Failure;
G is for Gay.
H is for Homo.
I is for the I in the sentence "I am" each of these things.
J is for Jerk.
I can't think of what a letter for K is. Give me some time.
L is for Limp-wristed.
M is for Moron.
N is for Not normal.
O is for Old.
P is for Pansy.
Q is for a quitter queer.
R is for a rebel.
S is for a sinner.
T is for troubled.
U is for unnatural.
V is for villain.
W is for Wicked.
X is for X X Gay.
Y is for yielding to temptaion.
Z is simply the end.
It has not been a good weekend.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
The Story of a Bookcase
This is going to ramble....simply because I'm feeling bad. I've done something to my right shoulder....and right now I'm miserable. It has been with me all weekend long...and last night it woke me around 3am.
Heard from #2 on Saturday. She wasn't chosen as one of the four finalists for the showcase. Although somewhat disappointed, she still was pretty upbeat and is confident that there are some great things in store for her. I know this is true. So, we just all have to be sensitive to when those moments appear.
I've suffered from the blues all weekend long. Pretty much what started this round was the fact that I was wading through all kinds of junk. The junk opened a locker full of memories. (Yes, I'm still cleaning and getting rid of 25 years of stuff.) And those memories gave way to the blues.
I got rid of a bookcase that had been Lovey's even before we married.
I hated that bookcase.
It was tall.
It was dark.
It was UGLY.
It was heavy.
But Lovey was attached to it. And so, it was a part of our family and moved with us from place to place. Always standing someplace...rather stately. After all, who had the strength to move the thing?
It always captured junk and was piled high...Lovey's sermon books......photo albums....baby books.....in one incarnation, I latched onto it to store my vinyl collection.
At the separation, it lived in the rec room holding the kids' baseball card collection....and board games.
When Lovey left for the Shenandoah Valley, she didn't want the bookcase. So, I made an executive decision to get rid of it.
Actually it was in two separate cabinets. I got one cabinet to go to the home of a young female minister -- very appropriate don't you think?
This one remaining part of the cabinet went to a disabled man in a nursing home who needed a shelf for his collection of books.
So, at least, I made someone happy.
But in cleaning out, I succeeded in giving myself the blues. I came across anniversary cards......father's day cards.......birthday cards.......
All from Lovey.
To me.
Tears welled up.... Gee, I'm not sure from where. I thought I had cried them all away... But...there they were....buckets of them...
Nobody knows that I let them fall......except the Dog....and now you.
The 4 trash bags were filled.....4 bags of remnants from 25 years went to the curb this morning.
Heard from #2 on Saturday. She wasn't chosen as one of the four finalists for the showcase. Although somewhat disappointed, she still was pretty upbeat and is confident that there are some great things in store for her. I know this is true. So, we just all have to be sensitive to when those moments appear.
I've suffered from the blues all weekend long. Pretty much what started this round was the fact that I was wading through all kinds of junk. The junk opened a locker full of memories. (Yes, I'm still cleaning and getting rid of 25 years of stuff.) And those memories gave way to the blues.
I got rid of a bookcase that had been Lovey's even before we married.
I hated that bookcase.
It was tall.
It was dark.
It was UGLY.
It was heavy.
But Lovey was attached to it. And so, it was a part of our family and moved with us from place to place. Always standing someplace...rather stately. After all, who had the strength to move the thing?
It always captured junk and was piled high...Lovey's sermon books......photo albums....baby books.....in one incarnation, I latched onto it to store my vinyl collection.
At the separation, it lived in the rec room holding the kids' baseball card collection....and board games.
When Lovey left for the Shenandoah Valley, she didn't want the bookcase. So, I made an executive decision to get rid of it.
Actually it was in two separate cabinets. I got one cabinet to go to the home of a young female minister -- very appropriate don't you think?
This one remaining part of the cabinet went to a disabled man in a nursing home who needed a shelf for his collection of books.
So, at least, I made someone happy.
But in cleaning out, I succeeded in giving myself the blues. I came across anniversary cards......father's day cards.......birthday cards.......
All from Lovey.
To me.
Tears welled up.... Gee, I'm not sure from where. I thought I had cried them all away... But...there they were....buckets of them...
Nobody knows that I let them fall......except the Dog....and now you.
The 4 trash bags were filled.....4 bags of remnants from 25 years went to the curb this morning.
Friday, October 27, 2006
A FLASH from Nashville!!
Daughter #2 phoned from Nashville breathlessly!
This has been a very busy week for her. She graduates in December from a private school with two degrees in Music Performance and Music Business, summa cum laude. On top of this, her main desire is to become a performer. So, she decided to enter a showcase that would give her the opportunity to perform three songs in front of heavy hitters in Nashville -- music industry people!
The way this works is that applicants are received from over 50 individuals. Each applicant submits a tape of their performing, and other basic information. The applicants are reviewed and scored. Only 8 are called back for a live audition in front of the judges....which also include some heavy hitters. Of the 8, 4 are selected to the actual showcase.
Well, Daughter #2 called to say that she was one of the final 8!
Needless to say, Frank's house has been pretty excited about this latest development.
Her audition is at 2pm, Nashville time on Saturday. We'll know by 6pm Nasvhille Time on Saturday if she's performing. If she's selected, I'm headed for Nashville Veterans Day Weekend to watch her do her thing!
Your thoughts, good wishes and prayers are very welcomed at this moment!
This has been a very busy week for her. She graduates in December from a private school with two degrees in Music Performance and Music Business, summa cum laude. On top of this, her main desire is to become a performer. So, she decided to enter a showcase that would give her the opportunity to perform three songs in front of heavy hitters in Nashville -- music industry people!
The way this works is that applicants are received from over 50 individuals. Each applicant submits a tape of their performing, and other basic information. The applicants are reviewed and scored. Only 8 are called back for a live audition in front of the judges....which also include some heavy hitters. Of the 8, 4 are selected to the actual showcase.
Well, Daughter #2 called to say that she was one of the final 8!
Needless to say, Frank's house has been pretty excited about this latest development.
Her audition is at 2pm, Nashville time on Saturday. We'll know by 6pm Nasvhille Time on Saturday if she's performing. If she's selected, I'm headed for Nashville Veterans Day Weekend to watch her do her thing!
Your thoughts, good wishes and prayers are very welcomed at this moment!
Frank and the Night Visitors
Night before last I had a group of night visitors.
I wasn't expecting them.
They just showed up.
Unannounced.
Unplanned.
They were just there.
I was sitting in my downstairs rec room enjoying my new large screen high definition television. The voice of #1 drifted down brightly, "Dad, you've got company! C'mon upstairs!"
So, thinking it was some hot male admirer that had just crawled in off the street to offer his homage to me, I scampered up the stairs.
When I got to the top of the stairs, there was Lovey's family! You know...the ones that hadn't invited me to all the family festivities during the week. The people who said that I would always be a part of their family....like a brother!
Yes, them!
There stood Mom O'Lovey.
Lovey's baby sister...
Lovey's sister: Madam Knows Everything from Colorado.
AND...Lovey's niece...the one that wanted me to attend the wedding in Cozumel.
And do you know what they were all doing?
They were oohing....and ahhhing over what I had done to the place. It seems that they had all received reports of what all I was doing and wanted to come and see first hand.
So, there they all were.
I immediately became the gracious and warm host. I greeted them all with hugs and kisses and told them how good it was to see all of them. They talked on and on and on.
It was all very positive....nothing negative.
I wasn't expecting them.
They just showed up.
Unannounced.
Unplanned.
They were just there.
I was sitting in my downstairs rec room enjoying my new large screen high definition television. The voice of #1 drifted down brightly, "Dad, you've got company! C'mon upstairs!"
So, thinking it was some hot male admirer that had just crawled in off the street to offer his homage to me, I scampered up the stairs.
When I got to the top of the stairs, there was Lovey's family! You know...the ones that hadn't invited me to all the family festivities during the week. The people who said that I would always be a part of their family....like a brother!
Yes, them!
There stood Mom O'Lovey.
Lovey's baby sister...
Lovey's sister: Madam Knows Everything from Colorado.
AND...Lovey's niece...the one that wanted me to attend the wedding in Cozumel.
And do you know what they were all doing?
They were oohing....and ahhhing over what I had done to the place. It seems that they had all received reports of what all I was doing and wanted to come and see first hand.
So, there they all were.
I immediately became the gracious and warm host. I greeted them all with hugs and kisses and told them how good it was to see all of them. They talked on and on and on.
It was all very positive....nothing negative.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Still Waiting
Three weeks ago today was the last time I discussed divorce with Lovey.
She got testy.
She accused me of being difficult simply because I asked some questions about her agreement and pointed out glaring errors. So, I told her to go ahead and send me a final version of her proposed separation agreement.
Still no word.
So, I guess I'm still married.
My silver anniversary is fast approaching.
I'm feeling mighty special...indeed!
It has been a very INTERESTING week. Since I last wrote, another death has occurred in the family. This one wasn't an act of God....or done in his time.... Mom O'Lovey had her cat put down. It was a she, named SPUNKY. She had been around for almost 20 years. Dad O'Lovey loved that cat. I know it was hard on the widow.
I hear that she brought the cat carcass home...in a Meleleuca box. (Yes, the O'Lovey family are fans of Meleleuca!) She was placed on view on the piano bench. Lovey's sister from Colorado....Madam Expert on everything.....was there too. Periodically she would move to the box...look inside and say, "Here Kitty....Here Kitty.....she even picked up it's tail and shook it around and said..."Look, it's alive!")
Mom O'lovey is planning to cremate Spunky....and bury it near Dad O'Lovey. So far she hasn't done it.
Spunky fell out of the Meleleuca box yesterday afternoon....and it the floor. (Madam Expert picked her up and exclaimed...."My this is DEAD weight!")
Now Spunky is in sweet repose in the garage....in a new Meleleuca box.
No word yet on when the deed will be done in terms of cremation.
I assume it should be soon. Don't dead...unembalmed things....begin to emit aromas after a while?
I suppose I will learn soon.
She got testy.
She accused me of being difficult simply because I asked some questions about her agreement and pointed out glaring errors. So, I told her to go ahead and send me a final version of her proposed separation agreement.
Still no word.
So, I guess I'm still married.
My silver anniversary is fast approaching.
I'm feeling mighty special...indeed!
It has been a very INTERESTING week. Since I last wrote, another death has occurred in the family. This one wasn't an act of God....or done in his time.... Mom O'Lovey had her cat put down. It was a she, named SPUNKY. She had been around for almost 20 years. Dad O'Lovey loved that cat. I know it was hard on the widow.
I hear that she brought the cat carcass home...in a Meleleuca box. (Yes, the O'Lovey family are fans of Meleleuca!) She was placed on view on the piano bench. Lovey's sister from Colorado....Madam Expert on everything.....was there too. Periodically she would move to the box...look inside and say, "Here Kitty....Here Kitty.....she even picked up it's tail and shook it around and said..."Look, it's alive!")
Mom O'lovey is planning to cremate Spunky....and bury it near Dad O'Lovey. So far she hasn't done it.
Spunky fell out of the Meleleuca box yesterday afternoon....and it the floor. (Madam Expert picked her up and exclaimed...."My this is DEAD weight!")
Now Spunky is in sweet repose in the garage....in a new Meleleuca box.
No word yet on when the deed will be done in terms of cremation.
I assume it should be soon. Don't dead...unembalmed things....begin to emit aromas after a while?
I suppose I will learn soon.
Monday, October 23, 2006
A Death In The Family
As I've said, I grew up as an only child. I had no brothers and sisters per se, but the one thing I did have were tons and tons of first cousins who were around my age and we got together frequently. We went to visit them, or they would come to us. We'd spend lots of time playing all kinds of games...hide and seek.....tag.....baseball.....kickball.....board games.....watch TV.....just everything.
Sorry to say, as I've grown older....and moved away from the majority of my family to the big metropolitan area over 400 miles away.....and...**Sigh** the gay thing.....all contributed to the fact that I lost that early closeness with a lot of them.
One thing that I did was to place an emphasis on occasional family reunions that occurred. Even though I went to a lot of these gatherings without my wife, I was able to rekindle those relationships...a little.
One of these cousins was a person that I viewed as kind of special. I don't know why...but it just happened. I remember very well when he came to earth. My mom and dad have a picture of me (all dressed in a white shirt with a bow tie....and perfectly coiffed hair...circa 1963) sitting in the grass of our backyard. Beside me was this little baby boy with dark curly hair. He was barely able to sit up....and there I was.....keeping my hand gently planted on his back....keeping him steady for the camera. And there's that picture...over 40 years later....me sitting thoughtfully...looking down....biting my lip.....and working hard to keep the baby from falling over.
That boy grew up in a sad home life. His father was my dad's older brother. The marriage that brought John to the world didn't last a long time. He had a younger sister. Their mother ran off with a wrong element....she divorced the dad.... The dad, with limited education and career prospects struggled to take care of his young charges. They all moved in with his elderly parents.....who by that time were in their mid-70s.
John had learning difficulties....and speech difficulties. He had a very hard life.
His sister grew up and moved away to the horse country of Kentucky.
John married several times....had some kids.....had some step kids.....and always seemed to live hand-to-mouth.
I saw him about 3 or 4 years ago at one of those family reunions. He still had a speech defect...but his eyes danced to life when our eyes met. I knew him....and he knew me. We talked a mile a minute....trying to catch up. Where did all those years go? I told him about that picture I described earlier. He hadn't seen it. As a matter of fact, he told me that he had very few pictures of himself as a boy...because they got lost...or thrown away during the many family moves and tumult in his young life.
Over the next little while, John moved around a whole lot. Folks never could seem to give me an address for me to send him a copy of the picture. He movved so much that no one could keep his roaming ways straight.
John died Sunday morning at 5:30 -- at 45 -- younger than me.
His funeral will be that of a pauper. You see, he had been on disability from whatever employment he was able to have. He had made application to have social security benefits given to him retroactively for several years since his disability.
That application was approved.
The check was set to be issued, with all the back payments to be included, on November 1st.
But he died Sunday...October 22....a few days short.
His funeral will be Wednesday. Another cousin will be the minister in charge. The burial will be that afternoon. His grave will be near to where I will ultimately rest.
This time no one was there to keep him from falling....at such a young age.
Sorry to say, as I've grown older....and moved away from the majority of my family to the big metropolitan area over 400 miles away.....and...**Sigh** the gay thing.....all contributed to the fact that I lost that early closeness with a lot of them.
One thing that I did was to place an emphasis on occasional family reunions that occurred. Even though I went to a lot of these gatherings without my wife, I was able to rekindle those relationships...a little.
One of these cousins was a person that I viewed as kind of special. I don't know why...but it just happened. I remember very well when he came to earth. My mom and dad have a picture of me (all dressed in a white shirt with a bow tie....and perfectly coiffed hair...circa 1963) sitting in the grass of our backyard. Beside me was this little baby boy with dark curly hair. He was barely able to sit up....and there I was.....keeping my hand gently planted on his back....keeping him steady for the camera. And there's that picture...over 40 years later....me sitting thoughtfully...looking down....biting my lip.....and working hard to keep the baby from falling over.
That boy grew up in a sad home life. His father was my dad's older brother. The marriage that brought John to the world didn't last a long time. He had a younger sister. Their mother ran off with a wrong element....she divorced the dad.... The dad, with limited education and career prospects struggled to take care of his young charges. They all moved in with his elderly parents.....who by that time were in their mid-70s.
John had learning difficulties....and speech difficulties. He had a very hard life.
His sister grew up and moved away to the horse country of Kentucky.
John married several times....had some kids.....had some step kids.....and always seemed to live hand-to-mouth.
I saw him about 3 or 4 years ago at one of those family reunions. He still had a speech defect...but his eyes danced to life when our eyes met. I knew him....and he knew me. We talked a mile a minute....trying to catch up. Where did all those years go? I told him about that picture I described earlier. He hadn't seen it. As a matter of fact, he told me that he had very few pictures of himself as a boy...because they got lost...or thrown away during the many family moves and tumult in his young life.
Over the next little while, John moved around a whole lot. Folks never could seem to give me an address for me to send him a copy of the picture. He movved so much that no one could keep his roaming ways straight.
John died Sunday morning at 5:30 -- at 45 -- younger than me.
His funeral will be that of a pauper. You see, he had been on disability from whatever employment he was able to have. He had made application to have social security benefits given to him retroactively for several years since his disability.
That application was approved.
The check was set to be issued, with all the back payments to be included, on November 1st.
But he died Sunday...October 22....a few days short.
His funeral will be Wednesday. Another cousin will be the minister in charge. The burial will be that afternoon. His grave will be near to where I will ultimately rest.
This time no one was there to keep him from falling....at such a young age.
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Families and Divorce
Sunday was another first in the continuing saga of Frank and Lovey.
This time, there was a family gathering....and for the first time in 25 years.....I was not invited to Mom O'Lovey's after church. Mom O'Lovey had me sit with her at church today.... I did.. Nothing mentioned of the festivities planned. She did make a passing mention about a man at our church that is her neighbor...and how she had him at her house for last Thanksgiving. Now when Lovey and her three sisters are all together...as they were at Thanksgiving, there are invariably arguments. I've grown to accept them...and to watch them unfold every year. However, a couple of days later, he called Mom O'Lovey to say, "Do your children always yell and argue at gatheirngs like that?"
Mom O'Lovey thought his comments were awful. "Why they weren't arguing...they were having a lively discussion! It's clear that you were an only child and never had normal interractions with siblings."
He was unphased.
I'm an only child too....but have been around lots of families who gather for meals.....and I've never been to one as lively as the O"lovey's.
Something always outrageous occurs when they get together.
One year, one of the sisters put cat food on her father's plate at Thanksgiving. At another Thanksgiving feast, there was a shrieking match between sisters. Then at another meal, the sisters made fun of their hard of hearing father. Several of the final gatherings I've been part of, the baby sister has been nagging at her husband for the amount of food/sweets, etc. he likes to eat. Her comments are biting.
It really didn't bother me, per se...until after it was all over... I had a very busy day....
But when I got home...it hit me. Since this silly divorce began, this is the first time I was not invited to a family gathering. It was a bit shocking given all their talk of how I had been in the family for so long....they wanted me to be in the family and consider myself as a part of the family....
Even though divorce is looming....
And I believed them.
It was shocking....it felt strange....different.... But even stranger was the fact that I wasn't totally crushed by it. No doubt that Lovey has demonized me to her family. After all I made her life hell. She made this clear to me in our telephone conversation of two weeks ago.
So, if I were on the other side looking at this situation, I wouldn't want to have me at a family gathering either.
But it is still a little strange to not be included....25 year traditions are hard to change.
It's an adjustment.
I enjoy my piece of mind....the peace and quiet....
I will take that over the shrieking...the fights....the "discussions".....the biting comments to spouses......the cat food.....
ANY DAY.
A is for Adultery
This weekend I have been depressed.
Oh, I know what you're thinking....
"Here he goes again....why can't he get it together?"
Well, I've said this repeatedly throughout the writing of this blog....and that is, this writing that I do will not be edited....or sugar coated....or to necessarily make me look my best.
This is who I am.
I do not have all the answers.
AND....I'm not happy all the time.
This weekend was a bummer...
#1 asked me what was going on with me. So I told her...I was struggling with being perceived as something that I'm not...but there is not a thing that I can do about it.
Then, #1 pointed out all my shortcomings....the biggest one was that I committed adultery against her mom.
I listened.
I thought of a million comebacks....explanations....rationalizations. But when you get down to it....
"Yup, I committed adultery."
I sighed, and looked her deeply in the eyes and said, "Do we really have to go here in this conversation right now? I apologized to your mother over a year ago for that.... Do I have to be beat over the head about this until I die?"
She grew silent.
"She new I was gay for 24 years. Not once did she say to not do anything..... She encouraged me to be who I was..."
My voice trailed off.
I just don't know what else to do. I've apologized. I've cried. I've tried to rise above all these horrid feelings of failure. Still they are all right there....hovering just barely above my head....ready fog me in...to paralyze me from doing anything. How do I forgive myself?
God I hate this.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Was it really a year ago?
Time has a way of marching on and in my nightly time of reflecting before drifting off to sleep, I realized that it has been just over a year since I bought Lovey out of the house!
I then started thinking about all that I have accomplished in that time. It's quite impressive.
Had the house painted.
Had new brick sidewalks installed leading to my house.
Redid the front yard with a nice grass.
Had my bedroom repainted.
Repainted my daughter's room.
Had fence and deck replaced.
Replaced curtains with plantation shutters throughout the house.
Installed new furniture throughout.
Got rid of boxes and boxes of junk.
Got rid of yucky old funiture.
Had new carpet installed.
WOW!
In doing all this, I discovered to my amusement, that I do have taste and a sense of color: qualities Lovey said I never possessed.
I really can't get over how frightened I was of making these types of decisions....and my fear of June 20.
Things do have a way of working themselves out.
I suppose upon further reflection, I was just a bit overwhelmed by all the changes hitting my life at once. I obviously don't like change...and divorce certainly brings it to one's life big time.
BUT...I'm making it....
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
A Book
For years I've loved writing.
It's part of my job. It's one of the few things I tend to do well.
I've always wanted to tell my story to a larger audience.
Almost 19 years ago, I started a manuscript. It had 8 chapters. I lost it. Then, during Lovey's move...the manuscript was found again all neatly typed in a white binder. The paper has yellowed....and it smells kind of musty....but I brought it to work with me.
I photocopied it....so that it wouldn't smell musty. I put it into a bright, new, BIG binder. No, I'm not ambitious, but I have printed out all 133 posts from this blog, along with a lot of writings I have completed during this time of adjustment, pain, and grief.
I think I'm ready to begin pulling it together -- seriously.
I think it will help others.
AND...who knows? Maybe it will do well.
I really don't care how well it does. If it just helps one lonely gay guy out there....then it will be worth it.
My gayness has led me to a number of people -- people who are so much like me -- hurting and alone.
Frightened.
Unsure of the next steps.
Keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I begin this work.
It's part of my job. It's one of the few things I tend to do well.
I've always wanted to tell my story to a larger audience.
Almost 19 years ago, I started a manuscript. It had 8 chapters. I lost it. Then, during Lovey's move...the manuscript was found again all neatly typed in a white binder. The paper has yellowed....and it smells kind of musty....but I brought it to work with me.
I photocopied it....so that it wouldn't smell musty. I put it into a bright, new, BIG binder. No, I'm not ambitious, but I have printed out all 133 posts from this blog, along with a lot of writings I have completed during this time of adjustment, pain, and grief.
I think I'm ready to begin pulling it together -- seriously.
I think it will help others.
AND...who knows? Maybe it will do well.
I really don't care how well it does. If it just helps one lonely gay guy out there....then it will be worth it.
My gayness has led me to a number of people -- people who are so much like me -- hurting and alone.
Frightened.
Unsure of the next steps.
Keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I begin this work.
Monday, October 16, 2006
The Confession
I've just started reading the McGreevey Book...."The Confession"...and something struck me. That's McGreevey and his lover, Golan Cipel in the photograph.
In one of the early passages, he talks about a conversation he had with his lover, Golan Cipel, while McGreevey was still governor of New Jersey. He speaks quite fondly of him ... I guess as we all would about former lovers. But, he did say something that has sort of stuck with me.
He says something to the effect that in conversations with Cipel, he looked around at all the trappings of governorship.....and told Cipel that he would give it all up for him.
Is this commitment or what?
I don't know about you....but most of us who have found ourselves virtually trapped in a marriage....and then we meet our soulmate.....who happens to be another man....most of us are scared out of our wits.
We're consumed by fear.
Many fears actually.....fear of discovery.....fear of inadvertent disclosure to our wives.....fear of the loss of our life as we know it.
But here, McGreevey says that he was willing to kiss it all goodbye...to be with Cipel.
I've never had anyone be willing to do that for me..... My own wife couldn't leave her ministry long enough to focus on me or the kids. So many marriages are driven by the ambitions of one or both parties....and usually neither is willing to sacrifice.
Is this how its supposed to be? Are each of us supposed to have our own agendas in our lives that we can't sacrifice to say...."I'd give all this up for you?" Would I be willing to do that?
Could you?
In the end, McGreevey did give it all up. But his motive changed...he wanted to be a man of integrity.....and he's succeeding.
Good for him!
When it comes down to it.....is living a life of integrity.......without lies......out of the deep darkness of the closet......more important....than staying hidden....staying miserable.....living with the masks....the lies....the deception?
Having suffered my years of drama....lies.....and the like, I think not.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Plans and Dreams
It has been a great visit to West Virginia this weekend. My parents are doing well.
I especially loved spending quality one-on-one times with my baby girl (pictured above).
She has dreams of becoming a singer....an artist: doing concerts, making CDs, becoming famous...the whole nine yards.
I believe that after graduation, things are going to start happening for her.
BIG TIME!
She graduates on December 15, 2006.
I'm so proud of her. Seeing her and hearing her speak with excitement about the recording sessions she has sat in on. (She's interning her second time for one of the top producers in Nashville.) She also, matter-of-factly, drops the names of some well known artists that she has gotten to know.
She's not star struck in anyway. For her, it's just another day at the office.
She's currently working her demo.
We've made an pact -- she and I. She's going to become a famous singer. I am to become a famous writer.
Wouldn't that be funny?
Look out world....we're on our way!
Saturday, October 14, 2006
House Pictures!
You all have been wanting to see pictures of what I've done to the house.....so here they are.
The other rooms are still in progress....but these two rooms are pretty much complete.
Enjoy!
In my last post I said that I was in a writing mood this weekend. It's amazing what a Peppermint Moca does for one's writing inspiration!
The other rooms are still in progress....but these two rooms are pretty much complete.
Enjoy!
In my last post I said that I was in a writing mood this weekend. It's amazing what a Peppermint Moca does for one's writing inspiration!
A Break from the Autumn Blues
I used to dread the fall.
I hated the colors brown, bright orange, and yellow.
I hated the chill in the air.
I hated going back to school.
Even after 30 or so years out of school, I found that
this time of year was the pits. It was exacerbated 3
years ago, when my wife lowered the boom on me the
first time. Totally unprepared -- I was not expecting
her to say calmly over a breakfast of toast, scrambled
eggs, and bacon, that she wanted a divorce.
I melted down.
Totally.
It probably was the only time in my life that I felt
like I perhaps had a nervous breakdown...or at least
had something very close to one.
Depression added to the bad feelings I had for Autumn.
Well, about 4 months later, my wife changed her mind
and said that she couldn't live without me. She said
that she couldn't divorce me. Blah...blah.
At the same time, her dad became quite ill. He died
the following August.
I was skeptical of my wife....I didn't trust her as
far as I could throw her.
I was on my guard for the "next time" she'd say the D
word.
And I was right.....June 9, 2005....it came!
Last fall was my autumn from hell. That October they
got around to burying my father in law's remains. (He
died in August 2004. He wasn't picked up from the
mortuary until May 2005. He stayed behind our
television, on the floor, during that summer....June,
July, August. Periodically my wife would open the
container and show his ashes to guests....I couldn't
believe it. In late August, he was dispatched to his
wife's home, where she kept him in a hamper in her
walk-in closet.)
The night before he was buried....his wife and four
daughters each scooped out some ashes to keep. Lovey
I think put him in tupperware.
What was left went into a hole int he ground in our
church's cemetery. I didn't go to that.... my wife
in her ultimate wisdom outted me to everyone in her
family just prior to that and I felt naked.
And cold.
It was Autumn.
But this Autumn, I wanted to change my perceptions and
overlay something new and pleasant that would erase my
tendence to suffer from the Autmn blues.
My youngest daughter invited me to meet her at my
parent's....to spend some much needed father/daughter
time. "I need one of your hugs," she said.
So here I sit....on a brisk autumn day in the
mountains...at Starbuck's....watching my daughter work
on a paper on her laptop....and I'm feeling inspired
to write here.
The sun is streaming in brightly..... Eveyrthing
feels different. I'm relaxed. I'm happy.
Yes, I've definitely taken a break from the Autumn
Blues!
Thursday, October 12, 2006
A Total Surprise
I have had a very busy day at the office. In a few moments, I will be locking up for the evening and getting on the road.
A little while ago, I returned to my office from a meeting and on my chair was a blue envelope. It was addressed simply to "Frank".
Here's what the the contents said:
"You know, there's only one thing that separates a GOOD boss from a GREAT boss. FANTASTIC EMPLOYEES (Like us!) Yeah! Happy Boss's Day"
Each of my employees signed the card, and here's what they had to say:
"Frank, Enjoy this day. You've earned it. Keith"
"Have a great day!" Kim"
"Enjoy! Jackie"
"You're the best for sure! Pam"
"Thanks for all your encouragement and support. Happy Boss's Day! Norma"
"Have a wonderful day. Kevin"
"Frank, May you have a wonderful day. It's nice to have you as my boss. Felicia"
I was a bit overwhelmed by this. They've never done this before.
I'm blessed with a group like this to work with!
I had to share.
A little while ago, I returned to my office from a meeting and on my chair was a blue envelope. It was addressed simply to "Frank".
Here's what the the contents said:
"You know, there's only one thing that separates a GOOD boss from a GREAT boss. FANTASTIC EMPLOYEES (Like us!) Yeah! Happy Boss's Day"
Each of my employees signed the card, and here's what they had to say:
"Frank, Enjoy this day. You've earned it. Keith"
"Have a great day!" Kim"
"Enjoy! Jackie"
"You're the best for sure! Pam"
"Thanks for all your encouragement and support. Happy Boss's Day! Norma"
"Have a wonderful day. Kevin"
"Frank, May you have a wonderful day. It's nice to have you as my boss. Felicia"
I was a bit overwhelmed by this. They've never done this before.
I'm blessed with a group like this to work with!
I had to share.
Introspection
I had simply forgotten just how wonderful it is to have alone time.
Time to think.
Time to reflect.
Time to plan.
Time to remember.
Over the years, not only did I forget the art of introspection, but some memories were just too painful to think about. So, I packaged them all away in my memory bank and bannished them from my consciousness.
Now, along with everything else, they are beginning to surface. And now, after so much time, I've found that they aren't nearly as painful memories as I had remembered.
Thank goodness for time.
One of the memories I have come across is one from first grade. Why this should surface at this point in my life, but here it goes.
I had a horror of a teacher, who, upon looking back now was a spinster. In her 60's, she was the epitome of what today would be called BUTCHNESS. And, on top of this, she made it clear that she had no time for boys in her class. I remember at the time, trying to process this in my 6 year old mind: why doesn't she like me?
On the first day of school, she put me in the corner for talking. She made fun of me and taunted me for not having gone to kindergarten. She told me that I was ugly. She told me that I had a big neck.
On and on she would taunt, belittle, and spank...primarily BOYS. Come to think about it....I don't think I ever saw her mistreat a little girl.
It makes one wonder how someone like that could be a teacher. She taught for many years too.
I've since learned that she died finally, circa 1980. From what I learned, she died a very sad and painful death.
All the things I can remember about her could fill a book. But I won't belabor this.
When folks talk about their fondness for their teachers, I never forget to mention my first grade teacher....I say that she was something else....and had to hold down a second job as a test pilot in a broom factory.
"Surrender Dorothy!"
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
A Neglected Spirit
Some of the "old" Frank that appears to be surfacing here and there is the one concerning my spirituality.
I tell my kids that I used to be a nice person.
I went to church everytime the church doors were open.
Heck, I even had keys!
But through the period of my fighting the gay thing....and dealing with my insecurities.......and protecting Lovey from the criticism by her family of her mothering and housekeeping skills and others who criticized her ministry, I somehow lost my direction. Spiritually, I was merely "going through the motions."
I also seemed to spend a lot of time not feeling well, or feeling exhausted. Depression? Perhaps.
But now that I am mentally/emotionally divorced from Lovey, it is such a comfort to find bits and pieces of my spirituality resurfacing intact. AND...I feel that God is my constant companion.
I'm such a perfectionist towards myself. My goal is to have my spirituality back 100%...not bits and pieces. I suspect, it will return 100%. I will not be totally satisfied until I'm back to where I was. I know me.
In time.
In His time.
During my heated exchange with Lovey last week, I mentioned that I am recovering from things fairly nicely. What a change!
Coldly she asked, "How's that?"
Keep in mind that this was after she had laid into me about how her married life was hell. We mustn't forget those wooden spoons....toilet seats....dogs....cats.....
I responded in a very nice way, "I'm getting my spirituality back. I'm feeling like my old self.....pre-YOU."
"Well!! I wish you had been more spiritual when we were married. Why the change NOW?" Daggered icecicles wouldn't have been more sharp.
(This is from the woman, who among other things, puts down on her resume that she was the youth minister at a church....when in fact, I was the one hired...but I digress.)
I thought for a moment and said, "You know. I guess it's because I always felt we were in a contest. I don't like contests. I never enter into them. So, when you made me feel like we were locked into one....I backed away....and let you have your glory."
Lovey grew quiet.
"I never meant to be that way," she said.
"It was still conveyed....loud and clear." I responded.
So, as I am remembering how to listen again to God's leading and direction, I'm feeling that something neat is going to be happening for me. God has let me know that it will be something that will "blow my mind."
He hasn't given me the date.
The time.
The place.
But it's coming.
When I'm ready.
I tell my kids that I used to be a nice person.
I went to church everytime the church doors were open.
Heck, I even had keys!
But through the period of my fighting the gay thing....and dealing with my insecurities.......and protecting Lovey from the criticism by her family of her mothering and housekeeping skills and others who criticized her ministry, I somehow lost my direction. Spiritually, I was merely "going through the motions."
I also seemed to spend a lot of time not feeling well, or feeling exhausted. Depression? Perhaps.
But now that I am mentally/emotionally divorced from Lovey, it is such a comfort to find bits and pieces of my spirituality resurfacing intact. AND...I feel that God is my constant companion.
I'm such a perfectionist towards myself. My goal is to have my spirituality back 100%...not bits and pieces. I suspect, it will return 100%. I will not be totally satisfied until I'm back to where I was. I know me.
In time.
In His time.
During my heated exchange with Lovey last week, I mentioned that I am recovering from things fairly nicely. What a change!
Coldly she asked, "How's that?"
Keep in mind that this was after she had laid into me about how her married life was hell. We mustn't forget those wooden spoons....toilet seats....dogs....cats.....
I responded in a very nice way, "I'm getting my spirituality back. I'm feeling like my old self.....pre-YOU."
"Well!! I wish you had been more spiritual when we were married. Why the change NOW?" Daggered icecicles wouldn't have been more sharp.
(This is from the woman, who among other things, puts down on her resume that she was the youth minister at a church....when in fact, I was the one hired...but I digress.)
I thought for a moment and said, "You know. I guess it's because I always felt we were in a contest. I don't like contests. I never enter into them. So, when you made me feel like we were locked into one....I backed away....and let you have your glory."
Lovey grew quiet.
"I never meant to be that way," she said.
"It was still conveyed....loud and clear." I responded.
So, as I am remembering how to listen again to God's leading and direction, I'm feeling that something neat is going to be happening for me. God has let me know that it will be something that will "blow my mind."
He hasn't given me the date.
The time.
The place.
But it's coming.
When I'm ready.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
ICK!
My life appears to be settling down.
A lot.
My blood pressure has continued to drop. My doctors are all pleased.
This past Thursday, I went in for an endoscopy and a colonoscopy. I figured that because my mother had waited so long, and nearly paid the ultimate price for her folly, that I wouldn't make the same mistake, and have it all done...2 years early. I'm 48 and they recommend that you have such things beginning at age 50. So, if you're around my age, don't put it off. You'll be glad that you did.
I received some great news. I am all clear. No polyps. Nothing odd or different "there"...so they want to see me back to have another colonoscopy in 5 years.
The endoscopy revealed that I have the H. Pylori bacteria. It's the little varmint they've decided that causes peptic ulcers. In my case, there were numerous "erosions" that indicated that I had had the bacteria in my stomach for many years. The doctor said that it is transmitted through food and water. He did multiple biopsies just to make sure of his diagnosis. However, he was pretty confident of what the culprit was.
Now, I must confess that I have had stomach "issues" for the past 5-7 years. I've had lots of gurgling, bloating, gas, etc. I always attributed it to my diabetes and the resulting metabolism disruptions. I lost my appetite. Food did not taste right. I had heartburn...tomato sauces or rich gravies...and even water would give me heart burn. Diahrrea was fierce. ICK. I felt like older age had dealt me some "unlucky" cards.
The doctor gave me some rather strong antibiotics and other medicines to destroy the bacteria and to allow the erosions to heal. I've now been on those medications for six days and to be totally honest, I have never felt so good. The food feels good going down....and I feel as though I'm getting nourishment. The food even tastes better.
I am amazed at how good I feel....and in turn, how it has affected my overall mood.
That mood helped me a whole lot when Lovey called the evening of my procedure to bitch. She also hurled barbs about how I had made her life hell during our marriage, and how I've not been supporting her. It just goes on and on.
But I was in a much better place, and I challenged her comments. I pointed out that the separation and divorce had been delayed because SHE had not approved the settle agreement in over a year. I also cited the fact that she had lived in my home rent-free and utility free for over a year.
She tried to get nasty...but I just kept my distance emotionally and relaxed. Much like the old Frank of many years ago.
It's funny...but now I'm beginning to see lots of little glimmers of the old Frank of many years ago....pre-Lovey.
I'm hopeful. Stay tuned.
A lot.
My blood pressure has continued to drop. My doctors are all pleased.
This past Thursday, I went in for an endoscopy and a colonoscopy. I figured that because my mother had waited so long, and nearly paid the ultimate price for her folly, that I wouldn't make the same mistake, and have it all done...2 years early. I'm 48 and they recommend that you have such things beginning at age 50. So, if you're around my age, don't put it off. You'll be glad that you did.
I received some great news. I am all clear. No polyps. Nothing odd or different "there"...so they want to see me back to have another colonoscopy in 5 years.
The endoscopy revealed that I have the H. Pylori bacteria. It's the little varmint they've decided that causes peptic ulcers. In my case, there were numerous "erosions" that indicated that I had had the bacteria in my stomach for many years. The doctor said that it is transmitted through food and water. He did multiple biopsies just to make sure of his diagnosis. However, he was pretty confident of what the culprit was.
Now, I must confess that I have had stomach "issues" for the past 5-7 years. I've had lots of gurgling, bloating, gas, etc. I always attributed it to my diabetes and the resulting metabolism disruptions. I lost my appetite. Food did not taste right. I had heartburn...tomato sauces or rich gravies...and even water would give me heart burn. Diahrrea was fierce. ICK. I felt like older age had dealt me some "unlucky" cards.
The doctor gave me some rather strong antibiotics and other medicines to destroy the bacteria and to allow the erosions to heal. I've now been on those medications for six days and to be totally honest, I have never felt so good. The food feels good going down....and I feel as though I'm getting nourishment. The food even tastes better.
I am amazed at how good I feel....and in turn, how it has affected my overall mood.
That mood helped me a whole lot when Lovey called the evening of my procedure to bitch. She also hurled barbs about how I had made her life hell during our marriage, and how I've not been supporting her. It just goes on and on.
But I was in a much better place, and I challenged her comments. I pointed out that the separation and divorce had been delayed because SHE had not approved the settle agreement in over a year. I also cited the fact that she had lived in my home rent-free and utility free for over a year.
She tried to get nasty...but I just kept my distance emotionally and relaxed. Much like the old Frank of many years ago.
It's funny...but now I'm beginning to see lots of little glimmers of the old Frank of many years ago....pre-Lovey.
I'm hopeful. Stay tuned.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Settling Dust
I'm back home now after having spent a few days away at the beach with a close friend and #1. #1 and I worked to help him close up his house for the winter.
But it was just good to get away and vary the routine a bit...and not to just be working on the house (will it ever end?). Honestly, to be able to just hang out was really super.
On Saturday we visited some casinos. Now, #1 has never darkened the door of a casino before. But there we were. It was really a good experience for her. Although she and I don't quite understand all the hoopla about casinos. Yeah, we played a little...she lost $5 and I walked out with my original investment intact. So, we visited the casinos and we played a game...not such a big deal really.
When we got home. She and I did our final shopping escapade for the house. It was the large screen TV I always have wanted to have in my rec room. It set me back a small fortune. But, the way I look at things, this is the last stuff I plan on buying for a very long time. Now, my house is basically complete.....and I can sit down and enjoy everything...and start paying the bills.....and putting away money for a rainy day.
The TV arrives on Monday. Once that arrives, I will begin posting pictures of the place.... I look forward to your feedback.
What a journey this summer has been! WHEW!
I sense though that for all the angst...and sadness....and resentment....and hurt...that I have written about.....I seem to be in a much better place overall. My blood pressure is waaay down....migraines are gone......My life just seems to be settling down into a nice peaceful routine.
Gave the separation agreement back to Lovey over a week ago. No word back from her.
My son the marine called day before yesterday to announce that he is being sent to Iraq around Christmas. Bummer. If it happens. He's been told this a number of times, and it just never seems to pan out. So we'll see. If he goes to Iraq....and my daughter is sent to some remote region for the Peace Corps....it's just going to be two new things to worry me about. This will replace all the worry and concern I have had about Lovey and the divorce.
Always something.
But it was just good to get away and vary the routine a bit...and not to just be working on the house (will it ever end?). Honestly, to be able to just hang out was really super.
On Saturday we visited some casinos. Now, #1 has never darkened the door of a casino before. But there we were. It was really a good experience for her. Although she and I don't quite understand all the hoopla about casinos. Yeah, we played a little...she lost $5 and I walked out with my original investment intact. So, we visited the casinos and we played a game...not such a big deal really.
When we got home. She and I did our final shopping escapade for the house. It was the large screen TV I always have wanted to have in my rec room. It set me back a small fortune. But, the way I look at things, this is the last stuff I plan on buying for a very long time. Now, my house is basically complete.....and I can sit down and enjoy everything...and start paying the bills.....and putting away money for a rainy day.
The TV arrives on Monday. Once that arrives, I will begin posting pictures of the place.... I look forward to your feedback.
What a journey this summer has been! WHEW!
I sense though that for all the angst...and sadness....and resentment....and hurt...that I have written about.....I seem to be in a much better place overall. My blood pressure is waaay down....migraines are gone......My life just seems to be settling down into a nice peaceful routine.
Gave the separation agreement back to Lovey over a week ago. No word back from her.
My son the marine called day before yesterday to announce that he is being sent to Iraq around Christmas. Bummer. If it happens. He's been told this a number of times, and it just never seems to pan out. So we'll see. If he goes to Iraq....and my daughter is sent to some remote region for the Peace Corps....it's just going to be two new things to worry me about. This will replace all the worry and concern I have had about Lovey and the divorce.
Always something.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
The Tables are Turned!
I got home early yesterday afternoon. So, I decided to do something a bit mindless: watch OPRAH!
So in the midst of discussion about 9/11 Widows, there was a promo for an upcoming OPRAH scheduled for Monday. It had all the ear marks of another sordid husband with a secret shows. I thought, "Man, is this another show on Gay Husbands?"
Well, let me tell you. I nearly dropped my popsicle when the topic was revealed....Gay WIVES! The promo ends with Oprah exclaiming something like, "In all my years, I've never heard of anything quite like this!"
It also shows the husbands with the wives.
It's gonna be interesting to watch. I mean, so many times gay husbands are portrayed by such programs as "Having their cake and eating it too!"...or "Using their wives as a cover."....or "Living a lie!" or "Cheating on their wives."....or "Exposing their wives to danger."
You get my drift.
So, I wonder if this program with gay wives will be introducing the same concepts....."Having their cake and eating it too!"...or "Using their husbands as a cover..." or "Living a lie!"....or "Cheating on their husbands."...or "Exposing their husbands to danger."
Somehow I expect this to not be the case. To those ladies reading this, I mean no disrespect, but...somehow I think this is going to be treated a lot more "sensitively"....for women to be gay...it will be treated differently....
Everyone knows that men are beasts....even ogres....evil ogres.
In the media...when talk centers around relationships.....it's always the man that is the problem. Men are never sensitive to women's needs. Women are the victims...never guilty.
This should be an interesting edition of OPRAH! I can hardly wait.
Check your local listings for Monday.
So in the midst of discussion about 9/11 Widows, there was a promo for an upcoming OPRAH scheduled for Monday. It had all the ear marks of another sordid husband with a secret shows. I thought, "Man, is this another show on Gay Husbands?"
Well, let me tell you. I nearly dropped my popsicle when the topic was revealed....Gay WIVES! The promo ends with Oprah exclaiming something like, "In all my years, I've never heard of anything quite like this!"
It also shows the husbands with the wives.
It's gonna be interesting to watch. I mean, so many times gay husbands are portrayed by such programs as "Having their cake and eating it too!"...or "Using their wives as a cover."....or "Living a lie!" or "Cheating on their wives."....or "Exposing their wives to danger."
You get my drift.
So, I wonder if this program with gay wives will be introducing the same concepts....."Having their cake and eating it too!"...or "Using their husbands as a cover..." or "Living a lie!"....or "Cheating on their husbands."...or "Exposing their husbands to danger."
Somehow I expect this to not be the case. To those ladies reading this, I mean no disrespect, but...somehow I think this is going to be treated a lot more "sensitively"....for women to be gay...it will be treated differently....
Everyone knows that men are beasts....even ogres....evil ogres.
In the media...when talk centers around relationships.....it's always the man that is the problem. Men are never sensitive to women's needs. Women are the victims...never guilty.
This should be an interesting edition of OPRAH! I can hardly wait.
Check your local listings for Monday.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
To the Beach!
This weekend I get to spend away!
Yippee!
I'm going with a dear friend to close up his beach house for the season. It's always fun to go there and check out the boardwalk and watch the waves...feel the sand between my toes!
I also have this thing about antique/junk stores.
There are plenty of those to visit.
There are good places to eat.
AND...it's now off season. So, the crowds have all gone home!
Yippee!
Yippee!
I'm going with a dear friend to close up his beach house for the season. It's always fun to go there and check out the boardwalk and watch the waves...feel the sand between my toes!
I also have this thing about antique/junk stores.
There are plenty of those to visit.
There are good places to eat.
AND...it's now off season. So, the crowds have all gone home!
Yippee!
Worry
Even we gay guys worry.
Right now I'm worried about MSM.
He phoned yesterday all upset. He had an accident yesterday on his way back to his base. His right front rim came off his car and rolled into a cornfield.
He was in the middle of nowhere. He called his dad for help. And, I did. I helped him to calm down. I helped him to focus and to come up with a plan. He hadn't paid his insurance. I helped him with that.
He called his mom...and she chewed him out for nearly burning down her house.
I worry about Lovey too. At times she gets so self-absorbed, she forgets to offer comfort or gentleness to others.
She got a little miffed yesterday at her niece. Her niece is getting married soon. The niece, a bit flighty, has already changed the date 3 times. As of this writing, it is scheduled for right after the holidays somewhere in Mexico.
All the family is asking "Why Mexico?" No answers are forthcoming. Niece's fiance was firm..."It's in Mexico, end of discussion."
By the sounds of it, it appears that finace is a bit of a controller, which won't bode too well with all the other controllers in our family. His warm family welcome appears to be chilling a bit. Hmmmm.
The one thing we all are sure of is that we're all invited to attend!
Lovey approached flighty niece and said, "Who is marrying you?"
Niece responded sweetly, "Oh we'll get some mexican preacher to do it."
Lovey then asked, and I knew this was coming, "Do you want me to do it."
Niece answered flatly, "No!"
So Lovey is miffed. She mumbled something about how the niece is going to a church that is against women preachers, blah...blah.
Poor Lovey.
Right now I'm worried about MSM.
He phoned yesterday all upset. He had an accident yesterday on his way back to his base. His right front rim came off his car and rolled into a cornfield.
He was in the middle of nowhere. He called his dad for help. And, I did. I helped him to calm down. I helped him to focus and to come up with a plan. He hadn't paid his insurance. I helped him with that.
He called his mom...and she chewed him out for nearly burning down her house.
I worry about Lovey too. At times she gets so self-absorbed, she forgets to offer comfort or gentleness to others.
She got a little miffed yesterday at her niece. Her niece is getting married soon. The niece, a bit flighty, has already changed the date 3 times. As of this writing, it is scheduled for right after the holidays somewhere in Mexico.
All the family is asking "Why Mexico?" No answers are forthcoming. Niece's fiance was firm..."It's in Mexico, end of discussion."
By the sounds of it, it appears that finace is a bit of a controller, which won't bode too well with all the other controllers in our family. His warm family welcome appears to be chilling a bit. Hmmmm.
The one thing we all are sure of is that we're all invited to attend!
Lovey approached flighty niece and said, "Who is marrying you?"
Niece responded sweetly, "Oh we'll get some mexican preacher to do it."
Lovey then asked, and I knew this was coming, "Do you want me to do it."
Niece answered flatly, "No!"
So Lovey is miffed. She mumbled something about how the niece is going to a church that is against women preachers, blah...blah.
Poor Lovey.
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Fire!
Learned an interesting bit of trivia yesterday.
My son, the marine (MSM), slightly rearranged another marines face with his fist a couple of weeks ago. The way the story goes, MSM was protecting a buddy from a threatening situation. So, in the process, MSM injured his right hand pretty badly. It was so bad in fact, that he had to have surgery on the hand last week.
Being the resourceful one that he is though, he decided to take convalescent leave, and go visit his mom, Lovey. I've not gotten a full scale report on how that went...I really can't wait to hear because Lovey is terribly fearful of MSM. Whenever they've been together, they tend to fight like cats and dogs.
This is putting it mildly.
So, for him to spend a week with her in the middle of no where is an achievement.
As of this writing they are both still alive. At least, to my knowledge, neither one tried to kill the other.
Or did they?
MSM like to smoke -- a lot. So, he smoked outside his mother's home...and he threw the cigarette butts on her flower beds just outside the front door -- the ones with mulch. The ones with flammable mulch.
So, after he left to return home...and she was leaving to stay at her mother's this weekend, she saw two different plumes of smoke...and two growing flames, just ouside her front door. Thankfully she was able to turn on the hose and put out the fires.
And, I learned, she has not bothered to get contents insurance on her house.
Typical Lovey...
My son, the marine (MSM), slightly rearranged another marines face with his fist a couple of weeks ago. The way the story goes, MSM was protecting a buddy from a threatening situation. So, in the process, MSM injured his right hand pretty badly. It was so bad in fact, that he had to have surgery on the hand last week.
Being the resourceful one that he is though, he decided to take convalescent leave, and go visit his mom, Lovey. I've not gotten a full scale report on how that went...I really can't wait to hear because Lovey is terribly fearful of MSM. Whenever they've been together, they tend to fight like cats and dogs.
This is putting it mildly.
So, for him to spend a week with her in the middle of no where is an achievement.
As of this writing they are both still alive. At least, to my knowledge, neither one tried to kill the other.
Or did they?
MSM like to smoke -- a lot. So, he smoked outside his mother's home...and he threw the cigarette butts on her flower beds just outside the front door -- the ones with mulch. The ones with flammable mulch.
So, after he left to return home...and she was leaving to stay at her mother's this weekend, she saw two different plumes of smoke...and two growing flames, just ouside her front door. Thankfully she was able to turn on the hose and put out the fires.
And, I learned, she has not bothered to get contents insurance on her house.
Typical Lovey...
Monday, September 25, 2006
Shoes and things (again)!
Hit a bump in the road over the weekend.
I had been feeling rather smug about the progress that I had been making. I was actually beginning to feel like the old Frank in a rather major way.
The house is taking on my personality. It's beginning to feel elegant in a kind of warm way. Even #1 has been saying over and over again how nice the place is looking and how excited she is. This has made me feel better than anything within the past 25 years.
You see, the house used to be always in such disarray, that the kids could never have friends in...or throw parties, etc. All that has changed. Already, #1 and I have figured out 3 big events we will host in the next little while: 1) we'll have a house warming open house; 2) we'll have a Christmas open house; and, 3) we have #1's farewell party here when she leaves for the Peace Corps in a few months.
It is so cool to know that the house is mine....and that it is clean.....and free from clutter.
Got rid of another curb full of junk....this weekend. Also, filled up carload #3 to send back to LOVEY. ICK.
With all the positive things, the bump happened.
Lovey is staying at her mom's this weekend until Wednesday. So, it was a natural thing for #1 to spend some time with her.
However, upon her return, I learned more about her mom than I ever really wanted to know. It only confirmed to me what I have beens aying all along. The woman has issues....TGT was not what did our marriage in.....we're back to "control"...."wooden spoons" and the like. And the shoes....we're back to the shoes.
What is it about shoes? She thinks I wouldn't let her buy shoes...... Yet, in the various journal entries that #1 and I have run across in the cleaning of the house: she makes big elaborate entries....and then she mentions that she bought shoes that day!
She told #1 that she had a credit car of her own when they were little...and that she maxed it out by buying....yup, you guessed it, shoes for them. It would be laughable, if it weren't so sad....and scary.
And that's not all.... by the sounds of it....I was just an awful husband. She has now taken on the role of martyr....
I suppose in order to justify her actions....and to make herself look good and not so crazy, she tries to demonize me. And she is trashing me and my reputation in the process.
It's all very sad.
To think that I have wasted nearly 25 years and gallons of tears on her....all for this.
I confessed to #1 that although her mom wants me to remain in her life "like a brother," I don't think I want to keep her or her family in my life.
#1 said that she understood why.
I had been feeling rather smug about the progress that I had been making. I was actually beginning to feel like the old Frank in a rather major way.
The house is taking on my personality. It's beginning to feel elegant in a kind of warm way. Even #1 has been saying over and over again how nice the place is looking and how excited she is. This has made me feel better than anything within the past 25 years.
You see, the house used to be always in such disarray, that the kids could never have friends in...or throw parties, etc. All that has changed. Already, #1 and I have figured out 3 big events we will host in the next little while: 1) we'll have a house warming open house; 2) we'll have a Christmas open house; and, 3) we have #1's farewell party here when she leaves for the Peace Corps in a few months.
It is so cool to know that the house is mine....and that it is clean.....and free from clutter.
Got rid of another curb full of junk....this weekend. Also, filled up carload #3 to send back to LOVEY. ICK.
With all the positive things, the bump happened.
Lovey is staying at her mom's this weekend until Wednesday. So, it was a natural thing for #1 to spend some time with her.
However, upon her return, I learned more about her mom than I ever really wanted to know. It only confirmed to me what I have beens aying all along. The woman has issues....TGT was not what did our marriage in.....we're back to "control"...."wooden spoons" and the like. And the shoes....we're back to the shoes.
What is it about shoes? She thinks I wouldn't let her buy shoes...... Yet, in the various journal entries that #1 and I have run across in the cleaning of the house: she makes big elaborate entries....and then she mentions that she bought shoes that day!
She told #1 that she had a credit car of her own when they were little...and that she maxed it out by buying....yup, you guessed it, shoes for them. It would be laughable, if it weren't so sad....and scary.
And that's not all.... by the sounds of it....I was just an awful husband. She has now taken on the role of martyr....
I suppose in order to justify her actions....and to make herself look good and not so crazy, she tries to demonize me. And she is trashing me and my reputation in the process.
It's all very sad.
To think that I have wasted nearly 25 years and gallons of tears on her....all for this.
I confessed to #1 that although her mom wants me to remain in her life "like a brother," I don't think I want to keep her or her family in my life.
#1 said that she understood why.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
The Quirks of Lovey
Separation and this silly divorce certainly have provided time and distance away from Lovey.
It's also VERY interesting to see her from a different perspective.
Distance.
From a great distance.
She's coming back this weekend to stay at her mother's, while her mother is away in Colorado. She's going to be here from Friday THROUGH Tuesday.
Since June 20, she has averaged being at her mother's about every 2-3 weeks. This trip is a bit strange because she has gotten someone to preach for her. So, she is taking Sunday off!
From her churches.
This is the woman who could think of nothing more than pastoring her church -- of being in ministry full time -- of preaching -- of singing.
It just strikes me as rather odd.
I pointed all this out to #1. #1 sometimes gets defensive about her mother and I mostly steer clear of the subject as much as possible. But...this time....I had to push the stick in a bit further.
"Gee, #1, your mom sure does come up here an awful lot."
"Dad," she retorted. "Mom is lonely. AND, she only comes up here when she has to visit her psychiatrist or has other medical appointments."
"Hmmm," I replied. "She's not coming up for medical appointments this time. God help her if the bishop had placed her a lot further away than where she is now!"
"Grandma thinks Mom will move away."
"Oh," I said. "She's already looking forward to her new church in three years."
"No, Dad, Grandma thinks she'll move to Colorado!"
Colorado??
It's also VERY interesting to see her from a different perspective.
Distance.
From a great distance.
She's coming back this weekend to stay at her mother's, while her mother is away in Colorado. She's going to be here from Friday THROUGH Tuesday.
Since June 20, she has averaged being at her mother's about every 2-3 weeks. This trip is a bit strange because she has gotten someone to preach for her. So, she is taking Sunday off!
From her churches.
This is the woman who could think of nothing more than pastoring her church -- of being in ministry full time -- of preaching -- of singing.
It just strikes me as rather odd.
I pointed all this out to #1. #1 sometimes gets defensive about her mother and I mostly steer clear of the subject as much as possible. But...this time....I had to push the stick in a bit further.
"Gee, #1, your mom sure does come up here an awful lot."
"Dad," she retorted. "Mom is lonely. AND, she only comes up here when she has to visit her psychiatrist or has other medical appointments."
"Hmmm," I replied. "She's not coming up for medical appointments this time. God help her if the bishop had placed her a lot further away than where she is now!"
"Grandma thinks Mom will move away."
"Oh," I said. "She's already looking forward to her new church in three years."
"No, Dad, Grandma thinks she'll move to Colorado!"
Colorado??
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
A Letter from MP
Dear Frank,
I apologize for not responding to your heartfelt email before now. However, I've been out of town attending to the details related to the death of a close family member.
I am writing this to you in longhand to let you know how important this matter is to me. I am sincerely sorry for not having been in touch with you during your separation. All I can say is that we dropped the ball -- plain and simple. I can make all kinds of excuses as to the fact that I was deployed on temporary military duty...or that the associate was giving birth...etc. But, the main point is that we dropped the ball, and there is nothing more that I can say.
The only thing that I can say is that I sincerely want to connect with you: spend some time with you and to get to know you better. I also hope that in the process that you will give me and the church and the entire staff another chance to be there for you. The church loves you and has missed you. Please give us the opportunity to make things right.
We haven't taken sides in this matter. That's simply not something we do. I assure you.
I sincerely am sorry for the pain you have had to bear and hope that you will be open to giving me another chance.
I will be calling you in a few days to schedule a time where we can meet for lunch or dinner.
I look forward to getting to know you.
Blessings,
MP
WOOPS!
I honestly don’t mean to leave you all hanging…and I fully intend to print the full text of MP’s letter to me. However, I came into the office and forgot to have it with me. I’ll publish it this evening!
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