Well, this is the beginning of my second week back from my trips. I'm still not in what I would consider to be "The Groove." My stomach has been a mess and I have been having trouble sleeping. Every noise.....the a/c kicking on.....car doors slamming.......the dog snoring......all have awakened me at various hours throughout the night. By the arrival of dawn...I feel like I've been run over by a fleet of dump trucks and a couple of freight trains.
Such is my life.
I have had a lot on my mind.
Still working to figure out more about who I am.
Trying to determine my next move in terms of relationships....am I relationship material?
I swear, with the failed marriage in my background I don't feel like I'm too good at love. It feels like even though I have a tremendous capacity for love....it hasn't served me too well. At least in a relationship with a woman, that is.
Although I picture life with a man to be a vast improvement...I know that some issues carry over. So, will I make some guy a great life partner?
I'd like to think so.
However, in the back of my mind, I'm afraid.
Very afraid.
I'm afraid to open up and let the men in my life know how I feel.
I'm afraid to trust.
I'm afraid to be vulnerable.
AH....so much to think about and I'm tired.
4 comments:
I'd say 25 years is longer than anyone could expect a marriage between a gay man and a straight woman to last.
You are definitely relationship material!
Chuck
Well, even if I'm the second one to say it, I'm still going to give my $0.02.
You have a history of a twenty-five year, long term, monogomous relationship! You adapted to and supported your partner and raised three wonderful children to adulthood during that partnership. Celebrate your success and change your self-talk.
Honestly, I'm changing my views on relationships. We live too long now to 'expect' that we can and will choose the right partner early in life and change together through our entire lifes. Lifetime is the right goal but don't degrade your accomplishment because you both choose to move to happier places in life separately. It is the right thing for both of you!
Frank:
I've never seen anyone "anonymous" sign in as "Chuck" before, so this must be your day.
And I think Chuck is right. You have proven your ability to be all the right things to make things last. Now stop worrying about it and wait for good things to come to you; I am here to tell you that good things come to those who wait. That may be because a lot of stuff hits the fan while you wait, but eventually things will look up.
You could find a goat, for instance... I did.
And I am not looking for 25 years here; I take it one day at a time, and am grateful for each day it lasts.
I am also glad to know that there is somebody else out there who finds living after the end of a 25-year relationship confusing.
It makes me feel marginally less weird.
Cheers
T@C
You are very sweet. You are definitely a catch.
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