ALONE!

It's one of those quiet mornings here at my house. I'm in my favorite room, the rec room, which is located in the basement at the rear of my home. It's quiet....it's far removed from the hustle and bustle outside.....and far away from any other distraction this house might offer when I have guests, like today: my son.

Found out some bad news at the end of the week. My house needs a new chimney and a new roof. So, I had to fork over five grand to get the work started. This is after the workman fixed my gutter problem.....the downspouts had shifted...and the pitch of the gutters was wrong so that water flowed backwards. No wonder every outside door seemed like Niagara Falls as water cascaded over the gutters! Th eworkman also cleaned out all the gutters too.

We had a very bad storm yesterday, and I am pleased to report that they worked like a dream!

I seem to have recovered somewhat from my bout of sadness about the divorce. It was a very black period for me: the spearation and divorce.....and for some reason, I seemed to relive it all this week. And as a result, I was right there....ALONE. Dealing with it all...the sadness.....the loneliness........the feelings of failure.....well, just everything.

Now, in the light of day and an improved mood, I know that I shouldn't feel like a failure or be sad or even be lonely. You see, I have come so very far. I have a host of friends that care about me and love me. I'm far from a failure. I have no reason to be sad. I have my children. I have my dog. I have every material possession that I need and there is room in my budget to buy whatever I want.....if I want it.

So, it is a good place in which I am emotionally.

The only thing that would make it better would be for Mr. Right to come into it.

When it comes to dating and looking for a boyfriend, I get kind of tired sometimes. Every eligible man that appears in my life, I wonder to myself, "Is he the one?" If I'm not careful, I could obsess abou this. So I just need to relax.....breathe in and just enjoy meeting people.

And the crushes.....my God....the crushes. Oh, I have several fantasy boyfriends: there's the man of mystery at my church who is absolutely clueless that I'm into him.........there's the man at my office who has the same name as my boss.......he's clueless.........to name a couple. I have "boyfriends" of all ages.......young.....older..... There's the electrician at the office........there's friend of mine who is married and is an electronics contractor.........there's the unhappily married carpet guy I know..........and then there is the construction guy that had the crush on me........and I was frightened -- probably because I wasn't ready for such an intense relationship. (He's gone now to another area of the country.)

So, the vast majority of these guys have no idea that I am into them. I suppose any one of these could be "the one"....but honestly I am afraid to let them know. I've suffered so much rejection in my life and I've heard it all before........I'm afraid of it happening again.

"Well, thank you Frank. I'm flattered. But, I don't have feelings for you like that."

So, I'm not getting any younger......the pool on which to draw from is small -- the majority of whom are into much, much younger guys.

I have to be prepared to face the fact that the rest of my life could be as it is now....

ALONE.