Dream on....

Thank you Julie for your insightful comments to my last post. I think you articulated perfectly what I have been feeling since the demise of my marriage. Lots of people have told me that with a long term relationship like what I had with Lovey, there would be a period of mourning akin to that which one goes through when a close relative dies.

I could not agree more.

But, each day does get better.

Now, more than anything, I think when I get sad, I'm mourning the old life -- the old straight appearing one and all the benefits that come along with it.

You feel the acceptance of having the wife, the house, the kids, the cars, the career, the dog....blah...blah.

But when the wife leaves....and you're all alone......even though you have the house, the kids, the cars, the career, the dog.......it feels strange being alone. You feel like only part of a person. The smugness you once had about having a mate....(even though she wasn't perfect....and she wasn't your dream man.....at least you had her.) is gone.

The number one fear I have is growing old alone....dying alone......being alone.

But in all honesty....having my son here has made me question if I really need/want to be someone's life partner. Oh, there are moments when I'd love to have someone around....but gosh, I certainly do enjoy my alone time and of having things where I left them, keeping my house spotless and organized.

The mess that my son has left drives me CRAZY.

So, if this were Frank's world.....and I could have it all the way I wanted it, what would that look like?

Well, a boyfriend might be nice -- one that I could send home from time-to-time. But, what is a boyfriend relationship in the gay world like...really? I dream of having someone totally love me.....not for what they want me to be...but just as I am -- the lines, the sagging belly.....the warts....moles....and all.....

I'd love a guy with little or no issues.....who basically has his act together. I realize that at times I had more issues than TIME and NEWSWEEK put together, but I think I've put the majority of those away.

I'd love faithfulness....someone that is there for me...and puts me first. I crave a relationship where I am not leftovers.....I'm not the "other woman"......or "the other man". I'd love a man on whom I could lean sometimes......where I didn't feel like the dominant one all the time. Someone who could lead and let me follow at times.

I'd love a relationship where the physical aspects are a normal outgrowth of what is going on internally for both parties..... the manifestation of a strong emotional connection. I don't want a relationship that's only motivation is the activities that take place between the sheets......or it stops when the moaning does.

I've seen so much in the gay world that makes me begin to feel that all my aspirations are dreams......and in the real world, they have no basis in fact.

Am I silly?

Are there other men out there like me?

How do you find them?

Then, when you do, how do you pique their interest? How do you make them notice you?

Especially when you're shy....and afraid.

Like me.