Remembering May 29, 2007

Well, today is my anniversary -- the anniversary of my divorce from Lovey. The neat thing about this is that I spent a great deal of time today busy with other stuff, and it only occurred to me that this is the day!

I have been a divorced man for 3 whole years!

I can hardly believe it. Time has flown by.

And I survived.

Oh, I still get twinges of the hurt....and the sadness.....but I have to say, I am in a good place now. This is in spite of the fact that I am alone....I have no special man in my life....and I really have to think about the fact of growing old alone.

This is certainly not the life I had planned for myself.

But then, I was such a Pollyanna. I thought that life always went to your plan. Oh, I believed that occasionally life threw you a curve, but that all in all, the destination would take care of itself...because after all, I had laid the framework and I would be okay.

I made no contingencies for life as a single man.....no contingencies as a single gay man.....no contingencies for being a single gay man with adult kids.

I thought I would grow old with the one person that I walked aisle with.....the woman I chose as my lifemate....in spite of the gay thing.

Man, I was wrong.

So here I am.

Today was a good day. None of my guy friends contacted me about any plans today to kick off Memorial Day Weekend. But, a host of my lesbian buds did. It was so funny to be the token gay male there in a sea of lesbians. But we all laughed and talked about all kinds of stuff. We all camped it up a bit. We had lots of fun just being together and relaxing with a grill cooked hamburger, chips, dip, macaroni and potato salads, grilled veggies....sodas....and then we made 'smore on the open fire.

Not a bad way to start the weekend.

It would have been neat to have a special man beside me....someone I could reach over and hold his hand.

Oh, it's the romantic in me I guess.

But, he wasn't there......and he's not here in my life tonight. So, the only man in my life is me. I am learning to like that....and take care of that relationship.

One of the girls said that she had learned in her life, that in order for her to be attractive to another woman, or to be able to be in love with another woman, she had to be attractive and love herself first.

I guess she is right.

I'm working to make that transition in my own heart as well.

For the longest time, I have had to deal with a poor self-image....low self esteem....shyness.....and my hyper sensitivity to rejection. That last one is still giving me fits. But I try.

So, as I get ready to jump into my bed, I have to remember that I am so much better off than at anytime when I was married to a woman. I am happier....I am more content.....and that I have grown immensely.

This does not mean I have arrived.

But I'm still on the journey.....learning new stuff about me...and my world.