Something's Changing in Frank

Just can't quite figure it all out, but something indeed is changing in me.

I went to my monthly Bible Study last night on the campus of Virginia Theological Seminary. It was a small group -- attendance at these types of events tend to fall off during the summer -- but it was still good to be with the men that were there. It added to the intimate atmosphere of the evening.

At one point, I was asked to provide some information about how I have been doing. It's the part of the evening labeled as "check in."

So I spoke briefly about things that have happened. My concerns about mom and dad and the fact that my dad's weaknesses and his fainting have yet to be explained. I spoke of my mother's remission being over and the looming battle that lies before us.

I spoke of how, since I was child -- an only one at that, how fearful I have been about the loss of my parents. As a child, it was a fear of being left an orphan. It's funny that here I am at the age of 52, I still have that fear. But the critical difference is that I have felt God nudge me several times to say that when that day ultimately happens, He will help to ultimately carry me through it. All I have to do is to lean on Him.

He has also gently reminded me that he has provided me with a network of good friends and three wonderful children.

I have also stopped being so fixated on having a special man in my life. God knows that I want someone. But I have grown tired of looking at every gay man as a potential lover. I get tired of the rejection...or the silence.

So I have begun to rest on the knowledge that God knows the desires of my heart....and it will come to pass.

In the midst of my parents' health problems.....and all my fears.....something has changed. I am beginning to feel a different sort of self-confidence brewing deep within me. Many good looking guys appear to be paying attention to me and seeking to spend some time with me. I have shared meals with them. They have hugged me goodnight. Still others have said they have spent a lot of time thinking about me and how they want to get together with me.

One man in particular who I thought didn't give a fig about me....called up out of the blue to say he missed me and wants me to meet him for lunch.

The self-confidence I am feeling....and the waning fear of my parents' mortality have changed my attitude. It is showing profusely.

It's even showing in this blog. Do you see any changes in me?

We went through quite a dead time when no one was reading. It was showing that no one was visiting.

But....yesterday was its busiest day. Readership is way up.

I am very encouraged all around and expecting great things.