Frank was a busy boy this weekend. I had two dates: two honest to goodness dates with two separate and "available" men.
Friday night was a date with a very nice and gentle man that is two years younger than me. He works in the IT profession, has always been gay (no apologies), been involved with a few relationships and now he is looking for that special someone with that special spark.
Saturday night was a date with a very nice and attractive doctor who is in his late 50s. He is currently married and has been for over 30 years. The wife knows and is supportive of his finding that elusive closed loop relationship.
As I spent time with the good doctor, it was fascinating to me to hear how his past relationships with men have worked and how his wife has reacted to them.
It wasn't that long ago that I was married and looking for the same thing he is looking for with the blessing of my wife. After the divorce a number of straights told me how disingenious(?) that was and that I was wanting to "have my cake and eat it too!"
I used to hate hearing that said to me. I never felt there was any cake. It was just a way for me to survive. I wasn't out to intentionally deceive my wife....or set out to lie to her about who I was. It was just a tortured path of trying to gain insight and understanding into who I was.
The doctor and I had a long discussion. It seems like she has total control of him. If the man in her husband's life does not act or behave like she thinks he should, then he is aggressive and she isn't happy.
He had a three year releationship with such a man. His wife did not get along with the doctor's boyfriend or the boyfriend's wife because they didn't go along with some of her seemingly goofy ideas. She wanted details of her husband's and his boyfriend's romantic life. The boyfriend told her it was none of her business. The boyfriend kissed the doctor in front of her. She didn't like that and had something to say about it. The list goes on and on and on. I asked the doctor if he was affectionate with his wife in front of the boyfriend. He says no.
Why does it seem that marriage with a woman is about control?
For all the relationships he has had with men, I doubt if he has truly bee "IN LOVE" with one totally. I think he is too afraid to explore that. Oh he hurled the love word a lot in his discussion, but I just feel it wasn't the kind of love I am looking for.
While I had a reasonably good time with the doctor, his wife's control/involvement bothers me. It seems that if her husband becomes deeply involved with a man, she feels she has to keep everyone informed that SHE is the primary relationship with her man.
I've never met the woman....and at this point, I don't think that I do.
I am seeing this from a totally new perspective. I think my preference are for single gay men....whether divorced or single/never married.
I want someone that I can focus on without interference or bossiness......just as I can offer someone the same.
How much more complex can all this get?
3 comments:
Frank:
I read somewhere that 75% of gay relationships were "open," while 75% of straight relationships were not. (Now what does THAT tell you about the difference between women and men?)
But I have to say that from my limited experience, that thekind of insecurity you describe is part of the territory for the supposed alpha partner in any "open relationship."
If you can't defend and proclaim the primacy of your lover/husband's relationship with you over his attraction to and relationship with all the other people, where are you?
Having entered this swamp with the understanding that everything was different in gay relationships, I was quickly disabused, and I returned to my native hunch that having an "open relationship" means pretending that you don't care. But we all care.
We all want to be the special person in our loved one's life. Of course we do. And when that status is threatened, the long knives come out.
From where I sit, it's all the same, and gender doesn't even come into it...
T@C
Ex straight wife commenting here - I wouldn't describe the doctor's situation, or yours while you were still married as "having your cake and eating it too". Both the doctor's wife and your ex knew you were gay and then made their choices.
In my opinion, the doctor is a weak man. Why does he allow himself to be treated this way? Why did you used to let your wife treat you badly? Why did I let me ex treat me badly? The answer - fear. Fear of change, fear of the unknown, fear of having to start over again after so many years of marriage, ...
Why does his wife treat him badly? Why did your wife treat you badly? Why did my ex treat me badly? Fear. Fear of losing the relationship and ultimately fear of staying in the relationship. Fear makes cower or get crabby. This is limbo, not a cake party.
I can't say my ex stayed married to me for 19 years because he wanted the best of both worlds. He was very afraid and just couldn't figure out how to exit our marriage gracefully.
Anyway, you have worked diligently over the years to find your inner strength. You have come a long way - maybe you have even seen it is better for both Lovey and you that you are divorced, even if her nasty behavior during the process was very painful.
You are a stronger, more self-assured version of the pre-divorce Frank. I understand entirely why you are not interested in dating this man who has chosen to be in such a complicated relationship and who is still living in fear.
You are ready for and deserve someone who can be fully there for you.
Thanks Frank for sharing - it reminds me of why I made the difficult decision of leaving my wife. Things haven't been perfect since then, but I think getting out of her control has been good. So I think you should keep patiently looking for someone who can truly and totally commit to you.
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