Who knew?

Well, I am a gay man.  That's no shocker.  Right?  So, as a gay man, I am very familiar with the male anatomy and quite comfortable with all facets of it.  I also know that part of normal sex play with gay men includes playing with their anus.  Gay men tend to not be so frightened of their butts.

Or so I thought, until I picked up a book entitled "STUCKUP:  100 Objects Inserted and Ingested in Places They Shouldn't Be.

It is hilarious!

So, as a result of my reading I found out that men have the prevalence of rectal foreign bodies is 28 times higher than in women.   Of this number, foreign objects in the male body are most likely to be in their 20s or in his 60s.

Not sure why that is the case.  So I plan to keep that statistic in my mind as I get closer to my 60s.

This statistic is for men in general -- not just gay men.

The book highlights all kinds of things that get stuck up there:  scissors, lightbulbs, coke bottles, glue sticks, bananas, cucumbers, flashlights,  salt shakers,  shoes...

The list goes on and on.

I am totally amazed.

I guess it goes to show you that folks do all sorts of things in the name of pleasure.

I'll never look at straight men in the same way again.

Thoughts on Valentine's Day

This is always a tough day. I generally find myself out to dinner – alone and surrounded by all kinds of happy hetero couples.

It makes me melancholy.

For those twenty some odd years that I was married, I always got my ex-wife flowers, a card, and a box of Trinidads from Fannie Mae candies. She made that candy last for months in the freezer because they were so good.

When I think about all that I become quite misty and wistful.

I also remember not being to keen on the idea of every getting lovey a truly romantic Valentine’s Day card. I guess on certain levels I felt like a fraud. I was one after all. It took me the longest time to try and sound romantic. Or to think of something to say. It was also like the sex – very mechanical.

I can’t even compare it to anything.

It is just just foreign to me and contrary to my true nature.

But give me a man. A special man. A good man.  An honest man.  One that I love. One that loves me. All for the right reasons. Then I understand everything there is to know about Valentine’s Day. I know why love letters, poetry and love songs are written. I know what romance is. I know how to make someone feel special.

But with Lovey, I was seriously deficiemt in all that.

And I am filled with regret. Serious regret.

I wish I could go back and rewrite history and make it all better for her.

I am haunted by the fact that although I spent so much time trying to be something that I am not, that I don’t believe I truly tried hard enough.

And there it goes.

It can’t be changed.

Guilt….the what if’s. The wondering.

The need for self forgiveness. Self-acceptance. Self awareness.

All are my constant companions.  The private longing.

I do my restaurant Valentine’s ritual. I take myself to a nice restaurant. My table is crowded with all my constant copanions.

I turn and there they all sit. All around me.

Couples.

Hetero couples.

Sitting as close as they can. All snuggled up. Speaking in whispers. Looking all goo-eyed at each other. Some nuzzle into necks of the other. Others are kissing. Some need to get a room or go back the room before the food arrives.

Here I sit.

Watching all this. Seeing some couples and wondering “How did that happen?” How did that man wind up with that woman? How did that woman wind up with that man.

Attraction is a mysterious thing!

And here I sit

Alone.

One day I will have someone here at the table with me.

OUT OF THE ASHES "Retold"

It’s rather hard to believe, but I have been writing this blog since Spring of 2006. At the time I was in the thick of things. I learned of Lovey’s plans to divorce me a scant 8 months before. I felt alientated from everyone. I felt so much pain. I was frustrated. I was quite frightened.

Most of all, I felt alone.

All of these feelings probably indicated that it was not the time to write a blog of what was happening to me. I vowed at the time that it would be unvarnished and not written to make the author look good….or to look innocent.

Ever since, I think you dear readers can say that I have kept my word.

One of the other characteristics of the blog was that I wrote in a disjointed manner. Some entries I would be recounting how I came to be. How the gay thing became a very painful and conscious presence in my daily life. Then it would jump from that pain, to the pain I was sufferening from the death of my marriage.

Then I would trash the ex wife.

Her family.

Former friends.

Former churches.

Former church friends.

Let’s just say, I was not in my “happy place.”

So, in reviewing close to 1,000 posts, I’ve decided to begin the story again. Some of you have asked me to speak more of myself and to add more details about myself.  Given the time and distance from those early and painful posts, I think I can do a better job at retelling the story better and more coherently.

This is what I will do.

As I write this entry, I have an idea. I would appreciate your input. Should I just stick these new entries into the old blog and continue to insert current ideas and themes? Or would it just be better for me to create a new blog and entitle it, “OUT OF THE ASHES “Restart”? If I did that, I would continue to post new entries in the old blog, but tell my tale about myself, my marriage, etc., in the new blog.

Or of course, I could delete the old blog and just start all over again!

Feel free to drop me a note.   What do you think?

I’ll go from there.

Deal?

My Day Off

Today I really did not have much of a day off.  At 7am my telephone went off because one of my senior specialists called to say that her mother in law had just died.  Because I had a new employee beginning this morning and the specialist was responsible for getting her settled, I got up and was sitting at my desk by 8:45am.

I got her settled.

Then came home.

So I am getting ready for bed.

What a day!

So....

I've heard from a number of you in my post for information for my "census."

So, I'm toying with the idea of going back and starting my blog over.  Oh I wouldn't delete the 900+ posts already here, but I would begin my story again.  Tell you more about me and how I came to this place.  

It would be more thought out.

It would not be enveloped with the drama and hurt that I suffered at the hand of Lovey.  Hopefully it would just be an account of what happened.  

So, don't be surprised when it starts.  (I probably will insert current stuff too along the way.)

Trying Hard to Learn From My Mistakes

Good Lord!  Have you ever done something so really dumb that when you came to yourself you were so mortified you didn't know what to do?

I did just that very thing this weekend.

Now I feel mortified.

I want to hide!

LOL!

Let's Take a Census: Check In Here Now!

Traffic appears to have picked up greatly around here over the time that I have been writing this blog. From my stats that I view from time to time, I see that I have readers from around the world.

Could I ask all of you to do me a favor?

Could you take just a few moments and use the comment feature in this entry to answer the questions, "How You Found OUT OF THE ASHES?", "Why you come back?" and also to share a little bit of information about yourself.

Also if you have any questions you'd like me to answer.... These could prove great fodder for future entries.

I love writing for you. But at times I feel like my life is so boring and slow. I feel like all I do is whine about the same things.

I sure would appreciate your feedback.

Thanks loads!

Frank

Quiet Time

I just went by this stately building tonight as I drove a dear friend home tonight and then passed it again as I returned in the direction of my house.   He and I have been friends for several years.  He has sort of been my rock through the loss of my mom, my dad and assorted others.  He's always availabe to talk to me about anything.

I also make myself available for him to talk to me about anything, anytime.

Tonight was payoff for the holidays.  He announced to me at Christmas that my present would be dinner and a play at the Arena Stage when both our schedules permitted.

It has only taken us a month and a half to do this.  But tonight we did and we saw THE GRAND PARADE OF THE 20TH CENTURY.  It's an interesting brand new piece that I am still processing.

It is cold here -- very cold.  My house is quiet.  The only knows I hear is the ticking of my grandfather clock in the hallway.

My daughter is asleep in her bed.  I'm using this quiet time to draft this entry.  (See I am trying to be more faithful about writing to you, dear readers.  LOL) Occasional gusts of wind blow through the window screens of this house making that low moan.  At times this noise is creepy -- especially late at night.  But tonight it is oddly comforting.

It has been what I would consider to be a great weekend.  I have spent some time with several friends.  Shared some meals.  Went to a play.  Talked to all my children.  Made plans concerning the grand son. And this is the second long stretch of time that finds me with some quiet solitude.

Time to think.

Time to pray.

Time for hope.

Time for regret.

I look to the wall across from me.  There I have many photographs of people that have been or currently are important to me.  In several shots are my beloved parents -- in much happier times.

I just wish there were words to convey my feelings of loss and vulnerability.  I miss them so.  I still tear up when I look at them...and remember the good times and the not so good times.  Those times when I could have been better or done something more for them.

Yes I am full of regret and longing.

But there is nothing I can do about it.

It hurts.

Although I am successful.  I have the house.  The cars.  The kids. The grandchild.  I still feel so empty. At times that overtakes me and I feel so alone.

It's sad I know.  I should feel blessed.  I have family.

Many gay men don't have what I have.

I count my blessings every day.

But on cold winter nights like tonight -- when I miss my parents and that extended family with whom I grew up -- when I think back on how life used to be as compared to what it is now, I get profoundly sad.

I am sad that I am gay.

All those hopes and dreams I had for myself once went down the drain in 2007...and again in 2008.......and with my parents in 2010 and 2011.  Now I'm trying revel in a new life.  But I feel stuck.  I just can't seem to make it over this hump called gay.

I explained all this to my friend tonight as we drove passed the Capitol.  He said that the reason I feel so weird about Gay Male Dating is that many gay men are only interested in hookups or FWB in order to have their sexual needs met.  They find their intimacy needs met through fiercely loyal friendships.  Then there are those guys like me who want both in one package -- one guy for preferably one lifetime.    He says that guys like me generally give up and move on to live lives of lonely singledom -- primarily from fatigue of not finding that one.

I have to agree with this.

It certainly has been the case with me.

So, I truly wonder if I should have continued to play it straight.  At least at this age my exwife would have still been there for companionship.  Yes, she would have still driven me crazy on a host of other topics, not to mention that her constant nagging would probably have sent me into an early grave.

Would that have been better as compared to what I have now?

I just don't know.

I don't think I'm needy.  I enjoy me.  I like the man that I am.    I just want to share myself with someone.  I want to share my life with him.  I want him to be a part of my family.  I want him to enjoy having my kids as his.....my grand son as his.....

I feel so silly.  But I continue to hear that old grandfather clock ticking away in my hallway.

I'm not getting any younger.

Excitement Abounds

As the sun rises over the Washington, DC area this morning, I am totally excited beyond words!

I just received word that my grandson is coming to visit Grandpa on Tuesday!  On top of this, he and his parents are having dinner.  Mom O'Lovey is going to join us here.

THEN, grandson is spending the night!  YUP...my eldest daughter and me get to spend quality time with the boy.

We are simply beside ourselves with excitement.

I've not seen him in two months.

Aw, I may be gay as a goose.  I may have had a rotten marriage.  My relationship with Lovey is still strained somewhat.

BUT, I have my kids.  I have my daughter in law.  AND I have my first grand baby.

So, I guess the 26 years of hell were worth something!

The End of a Very Eventful Week

So it is well past midnight.  i just returned home from an awful movie that I attended with friends.  We had dinner before hand.  But my thoughts were in other places.

One of the two crushes appeared in my head.  For the life of me, I could not get him out of it.  Oh, how I wished a million times that he had been with me.  I wish that I could level with him.  I'm home now...alone....and how my thoughts create romantic scenarios of him being here with me.  Of us upstairs in my bedroom, spooning.....snuggled up close...without cares in the world.

But there are cares and concerns for both of us.

I was so overcome with feelings about this man that I told my friends about him tonight.  My one telltale comment was, "Oh gosh...if this man were to express interest or say at least he was open to the idea of beginning something, you would see one happy Frank!"

But he doesn't know what I am thinking.

I don't know what he's thinking.

Still determined on my end to just be me...and to not try and be something I'm not when I'm in his presence.  I don't want to make a pest of myself.  When he and I are together, I try to keep a poker face.  I try not to look like a sick puppy.

This stuff is so hard.

As I have explained the situation to my friends, they have said that actually things appear to be progressing nicely.  They say that I should not try to force things.  They say that my approach of just being me such just be the right way.

So I slowly move forward.

Lovey has been in town this week.  She's been with her mother.

Today they all invited me down for breakfast and to spend time with "grandma" as she prepared for her various doctor visits today and her chemo and radiation treatments.  These things have not yet taken their toll, but from my experience with my parents, it won't take long to begin seeing big-time changes.

I had only been in the house a few moments, when Lovey appeared..and she motioned for me to join her in her bedroom.  She wants me to refer to her mother as MOM -- not GRANDMA.  She says that it would mean a lot for her for me to do that.

I explained that I know my place and that I do no want to do anything that would step on toes or to cause problems.

She says it wouldn't..but would mean so very much to her mother.

I have crossed another milestone with Lovey apparently.

Who knows?  Perhaps there will be some healing between us.

Life certainly can come full circle.  My blessings never stop.  I'm especially thankful to have family that love me.  And to even have an ex-wife that on occasion can be kind and gentle.

No delusions here though.

I realize that all this can change in a flash and I am learning to try and relish the blessings as they come in this season.

As I told my friends this evening.....my man friend is awesome.  As fickle as gay relationships can be, I like how I am feeling at this moment.  I really want to savor every moment of it.  If it continues, I will be even happier than ever.  If it fizzles, well each day at this moment makes it wonderful.

If you were in my shoes, would you tell the guy in question?

Bad News

I have quite a confession to make.

As you know, I'm a gay man.

No shocker there really.

But I enjoy gay porn.

Yup, that's right.  I enjoy pornography.  Oh, I'm not addicted to it.  I'm not glued to it 24/7.  But I really enjoy watching guys make love to each other.  I'm not into that slam, bam mechanical sorts of porn.   Or where the actors are not really looking at each other.  Or they are just working to get the money shot down on film.

I like watching guys who are definitely into each other.  You can see it in their eyes.  You can also see how they touch each other, if hey are really into one another.

It's a beautiful thing to watch to me.  And, it also facilitates my pleasing of myself.

It works well.  It's 100% safe.  It also helps with a lot of fantasies I have.

But, rest assured, when I have someone in my life that I can be into....and to love 24/7...my interest in porn will slowly wane....as I focus more on my partner, boyfriend, or husband.

Another confession.  I have some real crushes on some porn stars.  One of my earliest crushes involved Al Parker.  I didn't see any of his porn until after he died from AIDS.  Another porn star I had a crush on was Zak Spears.  He's still hot after all these years...and acts in Porn still...although not as often.

But my most recent fave and crush centered on an actor who was named Arpad Miklos.  See the pic.  Aw...watching him in anything is awesome.  He's handsome.  He's built.  He knows what he's doing under the sheets.

He's beautiful to watch.

But today I got word that this beautiful man, at the age of 45, killed himself on Sunday.  Aw...I can't help but wonder why.  He was successful.  He was kind.  He was generous.  He was hot.  But clearly, something caused him to want to stop living.    And he did.

With the assistance of pills and alcohol.

Friends found him.

They also said they didn't know why.  They knew he was not happy.  But there was nothing that indicated he was THAT upset.

So why?

This is another life lesson.  You can be the most beautiful person on earth.  You can literally have any man on the planet.  But in this realm, you can still be miserable.  You can be so very unhappy, that you want to make a permanent decision that will handle a temporary issue.

This then leads me back to my earlier thought.  I am blessed.  I am happy.  Although I have no boy friend or significant other -- this does not define my success.

I just need to be me.  I just need to be happy.  I just need to enjoy life.

But I miss Arpad....and I did not know him.  I probably was not even his type.  But, oh my goodness.

Rest dear friend.  You were loved by many men like me that you had never met.

What I've Learned About Me

I had the opportunity to spend some quality time with an older man today. He is roughly 11 years older than me. He has been in an open relationship with his partner for 40 years. They have, what for them, has worked seamlessly. His partner has his life in Palm Springs. My friend has his life here in Washington, DC. They visit each other periodically. Play with others as they see fit -- not together.

In his day, although now he is a very attractive older man, he had porn star looks. So did his partner. When I looked at their pictures from then, it struck me how closely both resembled the late porn star, Al Parker. I think in the 1970s, most gay men tried to look like him. The chiseled good looks, the mustache, the flannel shirts.  Sometimes he appeared with a full beard as well.  (See photo at left.)

My friend asked me how things were going.  He knows that I have been struggling with the whole issue of relationships.  He knows that I have had issues a bit with my self esteem and my self confidence.  He also knows that I have been wondering a lot about whether I am relationship material and my "track record" with relationships.

Over breakfast at his place today before I went to the office -- he lives not far from my building -- he did his best to make me feel better.   He talked about how difficult it was back in the 70s to be gay.  He said that he is thankful to be living at this time.  To see gay marriage become an honest alternative.  How being gay is not much of big deal.

He then saddled up next to me.

Oh, I wasn't being a Sad Sack.  I had kept the conversation upbeat.   So I wasn't fishing for comfort or compliments.

But deep inside me...when he got as close to me as he possibly could....and wrapped those big muscular arms around me...and told me to rest my head on his chest.  Well,  unless you have been where I currently am....where any sort of physical affection is like an Oasis somewhere in the middle of the Sahara.   I was a bit like a very dry sponge.

It felt so good to hear his words of encouragement and to experience that physical touch.   I felt alive in ways that I can't describe.

As I left his place just before 9:00 am this morning, I realized that when my time comes, I"m going to have an awesome love life.  I'm pretty settled with myself.  My friend says that I should not feel 2nd class in any way.  He even thinks I'm hot!  LOL.

So I just need to be myself.  To enjoy life.  To be thankful for all the blessings that have been heaped upon me.

My time will come he says.

I just need to be patient.

I believe that!

Later on this morning I was further affirmed by another friend who called to ask if we might catch up over dinner and a play this weekend.  I accepted.

So my life is chugging right along.

Time to Refocus

I've just emerged from one of those periods where I have been fixated on finding a relationship.  I've done a lot of deep introspection.  I don't understand why I have such a hunger to be hooked to someone else.

Two men have emerged as people I have developed strong feelings for.  But it's selfish.  It's all in my head.  I don't have any confirmation that these guys really have any interest in me

Why do I feel so incomplete because I'm alone?  Perhaps its because I am an only child and so used to being told how much I'm loved.  How much I'm cared for.  Hearing from my parents and them telling me how much I mean to them.

Sadly, as I look back on my marital life I can honestly say that I can't remember feeling "loved."  I never felt special.  I never felt as though I mattered.  Perhaps I am cynical this evening, but I really feel like a pile of frozen leftovers.  I honestly feel a bit cold.  Very cynical.  When I think of Lovey, I only feel like leftovers...or Daddy Warbucks.

Over our 26 years I footed her bills. I never felt like I was loved.    Eight significant deaths occurred in my family -- all affiliated with my parents.  Not once did she write a card or to make a telephone call or to try and offer prayers with them.  And she was a minister.

When it comes to my gay life...oh there are guys who want to jump my bones and take me to bed.  Or they send me messages on the dating sites that are quite graphic.  They speak of candlelight and roses.  But the cynicism I feel about such things has made me doubt the sincerity of it all.

I am frustrated with myself.

I'm always the one to develop crushes.....I'm the one who is willing to tell the objects of my affection my true feelings, only to get a thousand reasons for not having those feelings returned in kind.

So, for now, I am just best relying on me.  Enjoying my alone time.  Try and stop thinking of ways to meet men or to develop friendships and do whatever to try and gain attention of someone.

I just need to relax.  Be me.

If someone is indeed interested in me, they need to let me know for a change.

A good thing about the crushes I have had show that I am alive.  I am able to have very strong and very deep feelings.  I know what that's like.  I love the invigoration.  I love the racing heart beat.  The spring in my step.

The smile on my face.

Aw, when it happens.

It's gonna be something.

But, I need to just be content with me.

Back Home...Late

It has been such a very busy day.

I'm exhausted.

I had a long day at my office. Then left and immediately went to an important church meeting.

I'm finally home.

No words of wisdom. No divine revelations.

Just tired...and a bit blue.

All this stuff that Mom O'Lovey is going through with cancer. For the past three weeks, I have dreamed nonstop of my parents.

I miss them so...

Does this ever get better? The feeling of loss.... The feelings of WHAM! Slap from left field?

Interesting Telephone Conversation

I have made a lot of friends overtime online.

It helps to have something in common. The gay thing tends to really bond men together.

For the past few momths I've been communicating with a brit. He has sent me pictures along the way and he appears to be drop dead gorgeous.

He comes to the states fairly frequently and has expressed the desire to meet me in person. So, I suppose I am open to this.

What can it hurt?

He emailed me on Friday to say he was arriving in Boston tonight for two nights. He wanted to know if he could have my telephone number for us to chat.

I said sure...and gave him my cell phone number.

He called. We spent almost one hour chatting.

The man has a way with words. The british accent is surely a turn on for me.

He really wants to meet soon.

My heart raced at all the things he said.

He seems like he has literally leaped from my dreams into shoe leather. He said stuff that only I have shared with you all in terms of the man I am looking for. The things he likes....the things he wants......the things he doesn't like.....

I am touched.

But as I have said in previous posts, it doesn't take a lot to sweep me off my feet. The two men that I know here....that I dream of....are in this league as well. But, they have not made any moves toward me.

All it takes is an imagination....a dash of romance.....deep affection....and a willingness to put me first for a change...and I can be had.

Sad but true!

Just Overall Weirdness....

I am not sure how to begin this post.  Today there is so much on my mind.  I suppose I will just begin to write and hopefully my thoughts will unfurl as they move from mind to the printed page on the Internet.

Ever since Mom O'Lovey has been diagnosed with lung cancer, I have been greatly troubled.  It just does not seem to be fair for me.  My goodness she has spent the majority of her 82 years on the planet trying to eat healthy, watch her carbs, and get as much excercise as possible -- from swimming....to aerobics.....to walking.....to tennis.

And now this.

She never smoked.

And now this.

And since I have spent so much time thinking about her, I've not been sleeping well at night.  I keep dreaming about my parents.  For some reason lakes or ponds and swans all are a part of these dreams.

I awaken all shook up.  Unsetttled.  Bothered.

I guess the fact that Mom O'Lovey struggling with lung cancer and all her scans and tests and chemo and radiation have dredged up all kinds of buried feelings and thoughts that I was just now beginning to move from.

And so I dream.

Bummer.

On top of this, I find myself pondering my love life, or lack there of.  The two men in my life currently that I am indeed so interested in are not available.  It would not be a good thing for me to jump up and say..."Hey!  I want to date you!"

I don't think either are available emotionally or physically.  Even though either one of these gentlemen could probably use a good romp in the hay.  I just don't feel right about raising my hand and volunteering for the mission.

The friendships I have with these men is indeed important to me.  I genuinely care for both of them.  (I have to be careful about what I write here, because they both know about this blog...and I would hate for them to read about themselves here.)

One of these men is many years younger than me.  The other is significantly older than me.  They both affect me in different ways.

My love for them could be tipped in either direction.

All the younger would have to do is to express interest.  The same is true for the older.

Given each's unique situation, I am in no hurry to get them to commit to me.  I am patient and willing to wait.  But my goodness, it would mean so much to me to be able to reach over and hold either man's hand.  Or to rest my ead upon his shoulder. Or to curl up on a sofa somewhere and just snuggle.

It's not a matter of jumping either man's bones.  Or wanting to get naked with them.

I guess if the truth be told, I am indeed in love.

This all reminds me of how it felt when I first met Zach.  The butterflies...the racing heart rate......the trembling hands.

Then I read I Corinthians 13 about what true love is and what true love is not.

Oh, I'm here.

I guess I am drawn more to one than to the other.  Even to the point of feeling guilty when I have sex with someone else.  It feels like cheating.

Now keep in mind, I've not been intimate with either of my guys.

We've not had the big discussion about monogamy and what that means for "us."

In my head though it feels like I am committed.  Being with anyone else just seems wrong.

But gosh.  I don't even know where I officially stand with these men.

Its frustrating.

I want to get down to business.  I want to help them through their time of sadness and difficulties.

But I am paralyzed by fear.

By fear of rejection.

By fear of failure.

By fear in general.

What do I do to get over this?

Do I throw all caution to the wind and level with these men?  Get the hurt and rejection over with.

What do I do?

Amour

Went to the movies today with a friend.

It was a foreign film entitled "Amour" with Jean-Louis Tringtinant from France. He was that hunk of manhood from the old 1960s film "A Man and A Woman."

Trust me, the years have not been that good to him.

I digress.

The movie centered on an elderly couple. The woman has a stroke. She continually gets worse. It shows how much time he spends with her and his loving care for her.

Have you ever been to one of those films where you just don't understand it.

Well, that's me on this one.

If you've seen it and understand it, feel free to comment on it. Supposedly it is expected to win for Best Picture this year, outshining Lincoln.

ICK!

Layers of an Onion

I've been accused of thinking to much == over analyzing.

Perhaps this is true. However, I find that as I journey through life, who better to ponder stuff with than me -- the guy that I am stuck with, who has sort of become my best friend. After all, I am always there for me. Even when others are gone.

So living this life and being out....and dealing with all things gay, it only makes sense for me to spend a degree of time trying to sort out why I feel the way I do about things.

The gay life, at least for me, seems to ebb and to flow. Sometimes I fixate on the topic of love and loneliness -- as I have for the past couple of weeks. At other times it moves to the backburner of my life while other issues move front and center.

It's sort of like watching the ocean at the beach. Some waves manage to get higher on the beach than others. Each wave is unique. Each has its own strength and affects its surrounding accordingly.

Today I am pondering the residual effects of wanting love.

I've glossed all over the intricacies of having a close partner. I've forgotten all the sleepless nights that Lovey inflicted upon when she was a close partner. Drama, drama and more drama with her.

But I wonder had I been straight...would that have been different.

Now that I am gay...would it all be different with a male partner.

As you can see, I have thought long and hard about all this.

Still, as I wonder through life I have concluded that I will have issues to deal with when that man does arrive on the scene.

Basee on my marriage ending, and that long term think I had with the other married guy (ZACH), I feel a bit protective of my heart. I don't want to open it up to someone so freely, only to have it torn asunder and ripped to shreds.

So my guy will have to be patient with me in the area of trust.

Oh, I can love. I can totally let go and enjoy all that it brings.

But I'm afraid.

I've discovered that I am truly afraid.

For all that I hope for...and all the crushes I have had, I am afraid of what might happen if one of these crushes turns to me and says "I've got a crush on you too...let's go for it and see what happens!"

This was illustrated a few days ago.

There is a man that I currently know that I have very deep feelings for. He does not know. Aw...he might have a clue. But, he doesn't really know the depth of them.

I spent some time with him...and as we visited, I couldn't help but notice his hands......his eyes........his body.....the way he moves..... Gosh, like a girl I sat there wondering what it would be like to hold his hands. To cup his cheeks and plant a little kiss on his beautiful lips. How I wanted to just wrap my arms around him and to let him know that there is a guy in his life that cares for him deeply.

As we parted company, we ended our visit with a big bearhug....and a brief kiss.

Parts of me rumbled to life. My heart raced.

Wet spots appeared in my slacks -- what a mess!

But as I walked away, the apparition of fear hit me.

In the midst of this pleasant experience....of feeling like this man is so right.....and how I could just be so happy with this man....

The fear erupted. Can I truly trust him? Would this be a relationship that I could handle? Can he trust me?

In my heart, I know that I have done a lot of things that the gay world considers normal. I've had more sex partners than the average person. I've tried different things -- more than the average person.

So, would this man forgive? Could I forgive him?

Monogamy....I say I want it. But in the gay world....could I real do it? I mean I have allowed the sex genie to escape from her bottle. Gay men have sex because its fun...and a lot will tell you that it cements friendships.

But really.

What kind of partner/husband would I make?

My psyche is a lot like an onion.....layers....upon layers....upon layers.