Time to Refocus

I've just emerged from one of those periods where I have been fixated on finding a relationship.  I've done a lot of deep introspection.  I don't understand why I have such a hunger to be hooked to someone else.

Two men have emerged as people I have developed strong feelings for.  But it's selfish.  It's all in my head.  I don't have any confirmation that these guys really have any interest in me

Why do I feel so incomplete because I'm alone?  Perhaps its because I am an only child and so used to being told how much I'm loved.  How much I'm cared for.  Hearing from my parents and them telling me how much I mean to them.

Sadly, as I look back on my marital life I can honestly say that I can't remember feeling "loved."  I never felt special.  I never felt as though I mattered.  Perhaps I am cynical this evening, but I really feel like a pile of frozen leftovers.  I honestly feel a bit cold.  Very cynical.  When I think of Lovey, I only feel like leftovers...or Daddy Warbucks.

Over our 26 years I footed her bills. I never felt like I was loved.    Eight significant deaths occurred in my family -- all affiliated with my parents.  Not once did she write a card or to make a telephone call or to try and offer prayers with them.  And she was a minister.

When it comes to my gay life...oh there are guys who want to jump my bones and take me to bed.  Or they send me messages on the dating sites that are quite graphic.  They speak of candlelight and roses.  But the cynicism I feel about such things has made me doubt the sincerity of it all.

I am frustrated with myself.

I'm always the one to develop crushes.....I'm the one who is willing to tell the objects of my affection my true feelings, only to get a thousand reasons for not having those feelings returned in kind.

So, for now, I am just best relying on me.  Enjoying my alone time.  Try and stop thinking of ways to meet men or to develop friendships and do whatever to try and gain attention of someone.

I just need to relax.  Be me.

If someone is indeed interested in me, they need to let me know for a change.

A good thing about the crushes I have had show that I am alive.  I am able to have very strong and very deep feelings.  I know what that's like.  I love the invigoration.  I love the racing heart beat.  The spring in my step.

The smile on my face.

Aw, when it happens.

It's gonna be something.

But, I need to just be content with me.