So it is well past midnight. i just returned home from an awful movie that I attended with friends. We had dinner before hand. But my thoughts were in other places.
One of the two crushes appeared in my head. For the life of me, I could not get him out of it. Oh, how I wished a million times that he had been with me. I wish that I could level with him. I'm home now...alone....and how my thoughts create romantic scenarios of him being here with me. Of us upstairs in my bedroom, spooning.....snuggled up close...without cares in the world.
But there are cares and concerns for both of us.
I was so overcome with feelings about this man that I told my friends about him tonight. My one telltale comment was, "Oh gosh...if this man were to express interest or say at least he was open to the idea of beginning something, you would see one happy Frank!"
But he doesn't know what I am thinking.
I don't know what he's thinking.
Still determined on my end to just be me...and to not try and be something I'm not when I'm in his presence. I don't want to make a pest of myself. When he and I are together, I try to keep a poker face. I try not to look like a sick puppy.
This stuff is so hard.
As I have explained the situation to my friends, they have said that actually things appear to be progressing nicely. They say that I should not try to force things. They say that my approach of just being me such just be the right way.
So I slowly move forward.
Lovey has been in town this week. She's been with her mother.
Today they all invited me down for breakfast and to spend time with "grandma" as she prepared for her various doctor visits today and her chemo and radiation treatments. These things have not yet taken their toll, but from my experience with my parents, it won't take long to begin seeing big-time changes.
I had only been in the house a few moments, when Lovey appeared..and she motioned for me to join her in her bedroom. She wants me to refer to her mother as MOM -- not GRANDMA. She says that it would mean a lot for her for me to do that.
I explained that I know my place and that I do no want to do anything that would step on toes or to cause problems.
She says it wouldn't..but would mean so very much to her mother.
I have crossed another milestone with Lovey apparently.
Who knows? Perhaps there will be some healing between us.
Life certainly can come full circle. My blessings never stop. I'm especially thankful to have family that love me. And to even have an ex-wife that on occasion can be kind and gentle.
No delusions here though.
I realize that all this can change in a flash and I am learning to try and relish the blessings as they come in this season.
As I told my friends this evening.....my man friend is awesome. As fickle as gay relationships can be, I like how I am feeling at this moment. I really want to savor every moment of it. If it continues, I will be even happier than ever. If it fizzles, well each day at this moment makes it wonderful.
If you were in my shoes, would you tell the guy in question?
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