Quiet Time

I just went by this stately building tonight as I drove a dear friend home tonight and then passed it again as I returned in the direction of my house.   He and I have been friends for several years.  He has sort of been my rock through the loss of my mom, my dad and assorted others.  He's always availabe to talk to me about anything.

I also make myself available for him to talk to me about anything, anytime.

Tonight was payoff for the holidays.  He announced to me at Christmas that my present would be dinner and a play at the Arena Stage when both our schedules permitted.

It has only taken us a month and a half to do this.  But tonight we did and we saw THE GRAND PARADE OF THE 20TH CENTURY.  It's an interesting brand new piece that I am still processing.

It is cold here -- very cold.  My house is quiet.  The only knows I hear is the ticking of my grandfather clock in the hallway.

My daughter is asleep in her bed.  I'm using this quiet time to draft this entry.  (See I am trying to be more faithful about writing to you, dear readers.  LOL) Occasional gusts of wind blow through the window screens of this house making that low moan.  At times this noise is creepy -- especially late at night.  But tonight it is oddly comforting.

It has been what I would consider to be a great weekend.  I have spent some time with several friends.  Shared some meals.  Went to a play.  Talked to all my children.  Made plans concerning the grand son. And this is the second long stretch of time that finds me with some quiet solitude.

Time to think.

Time to pray.

Time for hope.

Time for regret.

I look to the wall across from me.  There I have many photographs of people that have been or currently are important to me.  In several shots are my beloved parents -- in much happier times.

I just wish there were words to convey my feelings of loss and vulnerability.  I miss them so.  I still tear up when I look at them...and remember the good times and the not so good times.  Those times when I could have been better or done something more for them.

Yes I am full of regret and longing.

But there is nothing I can do about it.

It hurts.

Although I am successful.  I have the house.  The cars.  The kids. The grandchild.  I still feel so empty. At times that overtakes me and I feel so alone.

It's sad I know.  I should feel blessed.  I have family.

Many gay men don't have what I have.

I count my blessings every day.

But on cold winter nights like tonight -- when I miss my parents and that extended family with whom I grew up -- when I think back on how life used to be as compared to what it is now, I get profoundly sad.

I am sad that I am gay.

All those hopes and dreams I had for myself once went down the drain in 2007...and again in 2008.......and with my parents in 2010 and 2011.  Now I'm trying revel in a new life.  But I feel stuck.  I just can't seem to make it over this hump called gay.

I explained all this to my friend tonight as we drove passed the Capitol.  He said that the reason I feel so weird about Gay Male Dating is that many gay men are only interested in hookups or FWB in order to have their sexual needs met.  They find their intimacy needs met through fiercely loyal friendships.  Then there are those guys like me who want both in one package -- one guy for preferably one lifetime.    He says that guys like me generally give up and move on to live lives of lonely singledom -- primarily from fatigue of not finding that one.

I have to agree with this.

It certainly has been the case with me.

So, I truly wonder if I should have continued to play it straight.  At least at this age my exwife would have still been there for companionship.  Yes, she would have still driven me crazy on a host of other topics, not to mention that her constant nagging would probably have sent me into an early grave.

Would that have been better as compared to what I have now?

I just don't know.

I don't think I'm needy.  I enjoy me.  I like the man that I am.    I just want to share myself with someone.  I want to share my life with him.  I want him to be a part of my family.  I want him to enjoy having my kids as his.....my grand son as his.....

I feel so silly.  But I continue to hear that old grandfather clock ticking away in my hallway.

I'm not getting any younger.