What I've Learned About Me

I had the opportunity to spend some quality time with an older man today. He is roughly 11 years older than me. He has been in an open relationship with his partner for 40 years. They have, what for them, has worked seamlessly. His partner has his life in Palm Springs. My friend has his life here in Washington, DC. They visit each other periodically. Play with others as they see fit -- not together.

In his day, although now he is a very attractive older man, he had porn star looks. So did his partner. When I looked at their pictures from then, it struck me how closely both resembled the late porn star, Al Parker. I think in the 1970s, most gay men tried to look like him. The chiseled good looks, the mustache, the flannel shirts.  Sometimes he appeared with a full beard as well.  (See photo at left.)

My friend asked me how things were going.  He knows that I have been struggling with the whole issue of relationships.  He knows that I have had issues a bit with my self esteem and my self confidence.  He also knows that I have been wondering a lot about whether I am relationship material and my "track record" with relationships.

Over breakfast at his place today before I went to the office -- he lives not far from my building -- he did his best to make me feel better.   He talked about how difficult it was back in the 70s to be gay.  He said that he is thankful to be living at this time.  To see gay marriage become an honest alternative.  How being gay is not much of big deal.

He then saddled up next to me.

Oh, I wasn't being a Sad Sack.  I had kept the conversation upbeat.   So I wasn't fishing for comfort or compliments.

But deep inside me...when he got as close to me as he possibly could....and wrapped those big muscular arms around me...and told me to rest my head on his chest.  Well,  unless you have been where I currently am....where any sort of physical affection is like an Oasis somewhere in the middle of the Sahara.   I was a bit like a very dry sponge.

It felt so good to hear his words of encouragement and to experience that physical touch.   I felt alive in ways that I can't describe.

As I left his place just before 9:00 am this morning, I realized that when my time comes, I"m going to have an awesome love life.  I'm pretty settled with myself.  My friend says that I should not feel 2nd class in any way.  He even thinks I'm hot!  LOL.

So I just need to be myself.  To enjoy life.  To be thankful for all the blessings that have been heaped upon me.

My time will come he says.

I just need to be patient.

I believe that!

Later on this morning I was further affirmed by another friend who called to ask if we might catch up over dinner and a play this weekend.  I accepted.

So my life is chugging right along.