Since Mom and Dad's passing in 2010 and 2011, the holidays have been very bittersweet for me. As I've gotten older, sadly I've learned what a spoiled brat I was, and still am to a certain degree. I'm an only child, and yes there are times when I still want everything to be all about me.
Me, me, me!
But I've also grown up to the knowledge that I'm not a selfish jerk...and as much as I want it to, the world is just not going to revolve just around me.
So, I've made it my life's mission to try and focus on others first. To make sure of their happiness. Their comfort. Their needs. In doing so, my needs are always met.
Today is my last day in the office until Monday. I have a lot of stuff to do next week and so while everyone else is on holiday, hopefully I can get all that stuff done.
I've spent a lot of time thinking as I prepared for this Christmas. I'm very happy that I get to spend time with all my children. The grandkids sadly will be with their respective mothers this year. So it will be me and my children. ALL of them. Lovey will be swooping through a considerable amount of time. So my family will all be together. The original 5 of us. Like it used to be when we were young.
Life was a bit less complicated in some ways....but then I suffered from the complication of a life in the closet. What a struggle that was and it clouded everything including the joy of parenting small children.
But I'm thankful that life for me is in a more settled place. But I still grow wistful on holidays such as this. I remember the past. I remember people.
But I'm so thankful for all the people I still have.
And, my, haven't we come a long way.
Lovey and I are "friendly."
Wednesday, December 23, 2015
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
Moving On (AGAIN!)
It's amazing how just when you think you have things all figured out, you have that long awaited special man in your life, you're happy and all is right with the world, it all comes to a crashing halt!!! Such is my life....or should I say my dating life.
My life is like a very busy airport....people coming into my life....people leaving my life....and there are all those gazillion others who are moving around in my life in one state or another. Romances this year have been how I would describe as several "near misses." Each of those were wonderful for the brief time I had with them. Some were far more wonderful than others. But they all crashed and burned for multitudes of reasons. One ended our "friendship" because his wife found out. Another ended because he was into women and could not stop talking about all their hot body parts. The Colonel preferred an abusive arrangement with his wife. And then there was Steven.
My relationship with him lasted for nearly four months. He had the charm....he had the looks.....he had the right mix of spirituality...compassion....gentleness...and all the other things that make for the foundation of a possible LTR. He freely talked about all this. He told me that I was everything he had ever hoped to find in an eligible gay guy. He also said that I had treated him far better than any other relationship he had ever been in including with his wife of 16 years.
It didn't take long for him to totally melt my heart. He told me he loved me. He told me all kinds of things that led me to believe this could be the real deal.
But as with all of us, he had some considerable baggage--baggage that I worked to overlook. But in the end, it was too much for him...and he chose to pull the plug....appropriately on Pearl Harbor Day.
Needless to say, I've been somewhat devastated by this turn of events. Long time readers of this blog will remember all the times I've spent looking for the one....and each time...something happens from left field that ultimately undoes all the good that has developed.
That happened here.
I could sense he was having some issues....but I told him I would give him the space necessary for him to chart the right navigation for him. We each expressed confidence in our love for the other.
Still as time neared the end, I sensed it coming. In my home town I had a friend that had recently come out. I refer to him as a "Baby Gay". I told him the whole story with Steven...and he offered valuable insight. We spent many hours talking about it. He was a strong sounding board and offered a bit of comfort.
When the bottom dropped out on 12/7; it was this man I called to cry on his shoulder. I needed someone to chat with....to vent....to express hurt....to express frustration....to express the bitterness I felt.
He listened.
I had a longstanding trip to Myrtle Beach scheduled for this past weekend. Given the funk I was in, I shuddered at the thought of going alone. My hometown friend announced that he would come too. He said he needed time away...we could hang out and have some fun.
And boy, did we! We shared the same interest in music, in films, in going shopping for the holidays, doing dumb things like going to the light show at my favorite place on earth: Brookgreen Gardens. We even drove down to Charleston SC and toured Fort Sumter.
Things have begun percolating -- I suppose it's nature "taking its course." But I'm afraid. Afraid to say I'm in love. Afraid to be in a relationship. Afraid to let go to see where this all leads.
But it feels so right. He treats me so well.
Returning the two hours from Charleston to Myrtle Beach, he had his wonderful hand wrapped around mine. It felt so good. So natural.
Today he has texted me a million times. I never tire from hearing from him. He said that he "lost it when I left to where you couldn't see....I really like you a lot....I just can't believe how wonderful you are."
And so this is where I am as I negotiate the cusp of a new year.
My life is like a very busy airport....people coming into my life....people leaving my life....and there are all those gazillion others who are moving around in my life in one state or another. Romances this year have been how I would describe as several "near misses." Each of those were wonderful for the brief time I had with them. Some were far more wonderful than others. But they all crashed and burned for multitudes of reasons. One ended our "friendship" because his wife found out. Another ended because he was into women and could not stop talking about all their hot body parts. The Colonel preferred an abusive arrangement with his wife. And then there was Steven.
My relationship with him lasted for nearly four months. He had the charm....he had the looks.....he had the right mix of spirituality...compassion....gentleness...and all the other things that make for the foundation of a possible LTR. He freely talked about all this. He told me that I was everything he had ever hoped to find in an eligible gay guy. He also said that I had treated him far better than any other relationship he had ever been in including with his wife of 16 years.
It didn't take long for him to totally melt my heart. He told me he loved me. He told me all kinds of things that led me to believe this could be the real deal.
But as with all of us, he had some considerable baggage--baggage that I worked to overlook. But in the end, it was too much for him...and he chose to pull the plug....appropriately on Pearl Harbor Day.
Needless to say, I've been somewhat devastated by this turn of events. Long time readers of this blog will remember all the times I've spent looking for the one....and each time...something happens from left field that ultimately undoes all the good that has developed.
That happened here.
I could sense he was having some issues....but I told him I would give him the space necessary for him to chart the right navigation for him. We each expressed confidence in our love for the other.
Still as time neared the end, I sensed it coming. In my home town I had a friend that had recently come out. I refer to him as a "Baby Gay". I told him the whole story with Steven...and he offered valuable insight. We spent many hours talking about it. He was a strong sounding board and offered a bit of comfort.
When the bottom dropped out on 12/7; it was this man I called to cry on his shoulder. I needed someone to chat with....to vent....to express hurt....to express frustration....to express the bitterness I felt.
He listened.
I had a longstanding trip to Myrtle Beach scheduled for this past weekend. Given the funk I was in, I shuddered at the thought of going alone. My hometown friend announced that he would come too. He said he needed time away...we could hang out and have some fun.
And boy, did we! We shared the same interest in music, in films, in going shopping for the holidays, doing dumb things like going to the light show at my favorite place on earth: Brookgreen Gardens. We even drove down to Charleston SC and toured Fort Sumter.
Things have begun percolating -- I suppose it's nature "taking its course." But I'm afraid. Afraid to say I'm in love. Afraid to be in a relationship. Afraid to let go to see where this all leads.
But it feels so right. He treats me so well.
Returning the two hours from Charleston to Myrtle Beach, he had his wonderful hand wrapped around mine. It felt so good. So natural.
Today he has texted me a million times. I never tire from hearing from him. He said that he "lost it when I left to where you couldn't see....I really like you a lot....I just can't believe how wonderful you are."
And so this is where I am as I negotiate the cusp of a new year.
Monday, September 28, 2015
Simple Pleasure
This weekend has been rather quiet, last Thursday I had my final cataract removed. It has been awesome to finally be able to see with both eyes reasonably well and to just be aware of the world around me. I'm so taken by the beautiful colors I'm surrounded by and so thankful that I'm able to see it again...especially when there was a period of time not long ago that I was afraid I would be blind forever.
On top of this, the poor eyesight played a huge factor in my loss of self-confidence. I couldn't drive. I honestly think it played a huge factor in my lack of esteem in the dating realm too. I couldn't see when men were expressing interest orr I missed cues that told me otherwise.
It was just a sad existence. I couldn't read. While I could watch TV, it was frustrating because it was like watching it through a very dirty and smudged window
Needless to say I am overjoyed.
Yesterday morning, Steven came over. Our schedules have been wacky, but yesterday turned out to be a very special day with him that taught me some valuable things. First, I was really glad to see him. When the doorbell rang and I could see this tall and beautiful man in his pale yellow polo shirt (my favorite) exhibiting that magnificent chest....aw I melted. Not from wanton lust...not from the carnal perspective. But, rather, it was from a place of genuine affection. I think my heart nearly went in to a-fib at the sight of this beautiful man.
Through the glass of the storm door, there he was, with his cute, boyish grin. I opened the door...and allowed him to come in.....shut it behind him...and there he was! I grabbed him...he grabbed me and kissed me tenderly. Then he held me close.
It was a very special moment.
I ushered him to the living room...and we cuddled on the couch and caught up...in between hugs, squeezes, and an occasional kiss.
We then drove to my church. It was his first time. It was my first time to attend with a special man. I didn't know quite how to act. I felt like a giddy teenager. I introduced him to several of my friends. Some of the ladies at my church whispered their approval.
We wandered into the sanctuary and found a seat. During the service, Steven would reach over and take my hand...give i a squeeze....then just tenderly hold it. Somewhere during the sermon, his hand released and his arm wrapped around my shoulder and he pulled me in close to him and there I was nestled into Steven's side. I felt like a dead battery that had just been put into a recharging unit...and I felt that surge...of reconstituted and refreshed energy.
Following the service, we decided to drive from Fairfax, VA into Washington DC to check out the National Gallery of Art. The boy knows his art...and I marveled at his knowledge and all that he taught me.
After several hours, we grew hungry. We found food and got a perfect table where we could sit and talk privately.
Keep in mind, dear friends, that dating is new to me. The only person I have ever dated was Lovey.
In gay terms, I come from a background of where guys want to first get naked, do the deed, get dressed and then, if you're lucky, they want to get to know you.
With Steven there is indeed a sexual chemistry. It transcends the "white hot" boiling chemistry that marks so many gay "relationships."
What we have surpasses all that. It has depth. It has all the traits of being something to last over the long haul.
We sat for an hour...and we talked about many issues. He even covered issues he said later, that were truly things he has never been able to discuss with anyone else. I did he same.
He and I met over 1 month ago. This is different, something real, warm and personal ignited. Sitting with him and talking about his hopes and dreams....and sharing my hopes and dreams -- all feel like coming home.
I'm enjoying the simple pleasures of the ride. Aw...the destination will take care of itself.
I am so thankful to have this beautiful man in my life.
On top of this, the poor eyesight played a huge factor in my loss of self-confidence. I couldn't drive. I honestly think it played a huge factor in my lack of esteem in the dating realm too. I couldn't see when men were expressing interest orr I missed cues that told me otherwise.
It was just a sad existence. I couldn't read. While I could watch TV, it was frustrating because it was like watching it through a very dirty and smudged window
Needless to say I am overjoyed.
Yesterday morning, Steven came over. Our schedules have been wacky, but yesterday turned out to be a very special day with him that taught me some valuable things. First, I was really glad to see him. When the doorbell rang and I could see this tall and beautiful man in his pale yellow polo shirt (my favorite) exhibiting that magnificent chest....aw I melted. Not from wanton lust...not from the carnal perspective. But, rather, it was from a place of genuine affection. I think my heart nearly went in to a-fib at the sight of this beautiful man.
Through the glass of the storm door, there he was, with his cute, boyish grin. I opened the door...and allowed him to come in.....shut it behind him...and there he was! I grabbed him...he grabbed me and kissed me tenderly. Then he held me close.
It was a very special moment.
I ushered him to the living room...and we cuddled on the couch and caught up...in between hugs, squeezes, and an occasional kiss.
We then drove to my church. It was his first time. It was my first time to attend with a special man. I didn't know quite how to act. I felt like a giddy teenager. I introduced him to several of my friends. Some of the ladies at my church whispered their approval.
We wandered into the sanctuary and found a seat. During the service, Steven would reach over and take my hand...give i a squeeze....then just tenderly hold it. Somewhere during the sermon, his hand released and his arm wrapped around my shoulder and he pulled me in close to him and there I was nestled into Steven's side. I felt like a dead battery that had just been put into a recharging unit...and I felt that surge...of reconstituted and refreshed energy.
Following the service, we decided to drive from Fairfax, VA into Washington DC to check out the National Gallery of Art. The boy knows his art...and I marveled at his knowledge and all that he taught me.
After several hours, we grew hungry. We found food and got a perfect table where we could sit and talk privately.
Keep in mind, dear friends, that dating is new to me. The only person I have ever dated was Lovey.
In gay terms, I come from a background of where guys want to first get naked, do the deed, get dressed and then, if you're lucky, they want to get to know you.
With Steven there is indeed a sexual chemistry. It transcends the "white hot" boiling chemistry that marks so many gay "relationships."
What we have surpasses all that. It has depth. It has all the traits of being something to last over the long haul.
We sat for an hour...and we talked about many issues. He even covered issues he said later, that were truly things he has never been able to discuss with anyone else. I did he same.
He and I met over 1 month ago. This is different, something real, warm and personal ignited. Sitting with him and talking about his hopes and dreams....and sharing my hopes and dreams -- all feel like coming home.
I'm enjoying the simple pleasures of the ride. Aw...the destination will take care of itself.
I am so thankful to have this beautiful man in my life.
Saturday, September 26, 2015
Recovering
Greetings all!
Things have been quite busy at my house the last couple of weeks. Unexpectedly, my cataract surgery was bumped up several weeks to this past Thursday. I had all kinds of medical appointments to attend to and trying to get work done at my office so that I could be off due to my recovery period. On top of this, I got notice that I needed to have a home appraisal done, so that I can refinance my mortgage to 3.7% from 8.5%. Simply amazing. So the appraisal got done yesterday. (We finished some renovations a week ago that make the house really stand tall.) The appraiser commented on how beautiful the house is so that makes me feel great.
On the dating front, I'm still with Steven. We communicate several times every day. Tomorrow I get to spend some significant time with him in person. He says he is coming to my church...and then we're going to do lunch....then perhaps a movie...or some cuddle time. Who knows?
Having this wonderful person in my life has taught me several things. I don't feel that furtive need to find a sex partner. I don't feel the need to go to those sex parties. I've even toyed with the idea of deleting my Match.Com profile, my Sulverdaddies profile, my SCRUFF, GRINDR, and GROWLR accounts...and most of all the Daddy Hunt one.
There is just no need...not with this wonderful man in my life.
My hormonal urges appear in check. I now wake up in the morning and really feel like I matter to one other person on the planet. So, God knows. It has been a very long night of loneliness, longing...and deep need.
I think those days are over. My health has taken a turn for the better...my sugars are improved....my A1C readings are great.....and my cataracts are history. I can see!
Please keep the positive energy flowing in my direction....and keep those prayers coming.
Frank is very happy!
Things have been quite busy at my house the last couple of weeks. Unexpectedly, my cataract surgery was bumped up several weeks to this past Thursday. I had all kinds of medical appointments to attend to and trying to get work done at my office so that I could be off due to my recovery period. On top of this, I got notice that I needed to have a home appraisal done, so that I can refinance my mortgage to 3.7% from 8.5%. Simply amazing. So the appraisal got done yesterday. (We finished some renovations a week ago that make the house really stand tall.) The appraiser commented on how beautiful the house is so that makes me feel great.
On the dating front, I'm still with Steven. We communicate several times every day. Tomorrow I get to spend some significant time with him in person. He says he is coming to my church...and then we're going to do lunch....then perhaps a movie...or some cuddle time. Who knows?
Having this wonderful person in my life has taught me several things. I don't feel that furtive need to find a sex partner. I don't feel the need to go to those sex parties. I've even toyed with the idea of deleting my Match.Com profile, my Sulverdaddies profile, my SCRUFF, GRINDR, and GROWLR accounts...and most of all the Daddy Hunt one.
There is just no need...not with this wonderful man in my life.
My hormonal urges appear in check. I now wake up in the morning and really feel like I matter to one other person on the planet. So, God knows. It has been a very long night of loneliness, longing...and deep need.
I think those days are over. My health has taken a turn for the better...my sugars are improved....my A1C readings are great.....and my cataracts are history. I can see!
Please keep the positive energy flowing in my direction....and keep those prayers coming.
Frank is very happy!
Monday, September 14, 2015
And Now For Some Really Good News...
Some of you have been quite critical of me lately. I've received some mild "nasty grams" concerning my whining about my lack of love....some of you have made me feel like a piece of pond scum because of my descriptions of attending sex parties, and then I've been criticized for "deceiving my wife" about my gayness....and then trying to have my "cake and eating it too." The list goes on and on and on.
So, as I have said from the outset of this blog, its purpose is not to make me look good. It's not to airbrush me into some unrecognizable giant of perfection. I try to be honest here...and sometimes it ain't pretty.
This blog has also taught me that I can't make everyone happy....and its' purpose is not to do that. It's just the story of my journey. Take it or leave it. I'm a big boy and will cope somehow if you choose to leave.
And Now For Some Really Good News...
On August 22, I met a guy. His name is Steven. When I met him, I just assumed it was just one of those meetings where everyone is pleasant and kind.... He asked for my telephone number and I gave it to him.
God knows I have done that a few times! All to no avail.
So, all this is translated into the feeling that it was good while it lasted....but he's never gonna call or text.
Wrong!
We met up on Labor Day Weekend and spent a hunk of time together. I took him to dinner. Then things kind of took a different turn. He became a bit vulnerable and told me of some of his hurts and failures. He shared with me his hopes and dreams.
Something clicked somewhere deep inside me.
Now remember, I'm jaded. I've been around the block several hundred times. I'm the pond scum that goes to the sex parties. I've been vilified for having a profile on MATCH.COM. Told I was too old for Grindr, Growlr, Scruff, and MRX. I've whined and cried about how lonely I am....and how much I want someone to love.
And sitting across from me is the beautiful hunk of man....being all vulnerable and explaining that he's afraid to let his guard down.
Boy, I can relate to that one.
Dinner lasted for quite some time. I hung on every word.
By the end of the evening I was smitten. AND...apparently there were some stirrings deep with in him as well.
After that evening, there has been daily contact. Calls, texts, emails.
On Friday evening, he wrote such a beautiful email to me, that it brought tears to my eyes. It was just that profound. Several emails that evening. Then a final text.
"Hey, would you go with me hiking this weekend?"
"Yes, of course!" I said.
So plans were made. I met him at the appointed spot at 9am on Sunday morning. There he was. Nice t-shirt...exhibiting his wonderful chest. My heart nearly jumped out of my chest. He approached me. He's a bit taller than me....and he wrapped his big arms around me....drew me to that wonderful chest....then lifted my chin up to look into his eyes....and he put me in a tight, passionate lip lock....right there in the parking lot...in front of God, the deer, the squirrels, and everybody else.
We commenced our hike. He held my hand. Every so often he would stop, turn to me and wrap me in those massive hugs.....and another massive lip lock.
Finally we found a quiet spot....by a small lake.... A nice bench. We cuddled up close. Held hands.... Like going through the many layers of an onion, he began to reveal himself. I did the same....and we sat there basking in the wonder of it all for a solid hour. We shared a kiss or two....holding hands.....arm around each other in a tender embrace.
There were no blow jobs in the weeds. No humping in the forest.
Just two men walking together side by side and expressing deep simple affection. Getting to know each other on a very intimate level.
It's one thing to have fireworks in the sack....but for me, the true gauge of a relationship or a potential relationship is what happens when you're not in bed.
In this case, it was the world series...and the home team scored nothing but home runs.
After we parted some 4 miles later....and we'd both gotten home, he wrote me.... He referred to me as his boyfriend.
"Did you really mean to say that?" (This was because he said that he wanted to move slow...) He wrote back, "I did. And I meant it, so there!"
This was music to my ears.
So, as I have said from the outset of this blog, its purpose is not to make me look good. It's not to airbrush me into some unrecognizable giant of perfection. I try to be honest here...and sometimes it ain't pretty.
This blog has also taught me that I can't make everyone happy....and its' purpose is not to do that. It's just the story of my journey. Take it or leave it. I'm a big boy and will cope somehow if you choose to leave.
And Now For Some Really Good News...
On August 22, I met a guy. His name is Steven. When I met him, I just assumed it was just one of those meetings where everyone is pleasant and kind.... He asked for my telephone number and I gave it to him.
God knows I have done that a few times! All to no avail.
So, all this is translated into the feeling that it was good while it lasted....but he's never gonna call or text.
Wrong!
We met up on Labor Day Weekend and spent a hunk of time together. I took him to dinner. Then things kind of took a different turn. He became a bit vulnerable and told me of some of his hurts and failures. He shared with me his hopes and dreams.
Something clicked somewhere deep inside me.
Now remember, I'm jaded. I've been around the block several hundred times. I'm the pond scum that goes to the sex parties. I've been vilified for having a profile on MATCH.COM. Told I was too old for Grindr, Growlr, Scruff, and MRX. I've whined and cried about how lonely I am....and how much I want someone to love.
And sitting across from me is the beautiful hunk of man....being all vulnerable and explaining that he's afraid to let his guard down.
Boy, I can relate to that one.
Dinner lasted for quite some time. I hung on every word.
By the end of the evening I was smitten. AND...apparently there were some stirrings deep with in him as well.
After that evening, there has been daily contact. Calls, texts, emails.
On Friday evening, he wrote such a beautiful email to me, that it brought tears to my eyes. It was just that profound. Several emails that evening. Then a final text.
"Hey, would you go with me hiking this weekend?"
"Yes, of course!" I said.
So plans were made. I met him at the appointed spot at 9am on Sunday morning. There he was. Nice t-shirt...exhibiting his wonderful chest. My heart nearly jumped out of my chest. He approached me. He's a bit taller than me....and he wrapped his big arms around me....drew me to that wonderful chest....then lifted my chin up to look into his eyes....and he put me in a tight, passionate lip lock....right there in the parking lot...in front of God, the deer, the squirrels, and everybody else.
We commenced our hike. He held my hand. Every so often he would stop, turn to me and wrap me in those massive hugs.....and another massive lip lock.
Finally we found a quiet spot....by a small lake.... A nice bench. We cuddled up close. Held hands.... Like going through the many layers of an onion, he began to reveal himself. I did the same....and we sat there basking in the wonder of it all for a solid hour. We shared a kiss or two....holding hands.....arm around each other in a tender embrace.
There were no blow jobs in the weeds. No humping in the forest.
Just two men walking together side by side and expressing deep simple affection. Getting to know each other on a very intimate level.
It's one thing to have fireworks in the sack....but for me, the true gauge of a relationship or a potential relationship is what happens when you're not in bed.
In this case, it was the world series...and the home team scored nothing but home runs.
After we parted some 4 miles later....and we'd both gotten home, he wrote me.... He referred to me as his boyfriend.
"Did you really mean to say that?" (This was because he said that he wanted to move slow...) He wrote back, "I did. And I meant it, so there!"
This was music to my ears.
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
Aging
So, the past year has been a struggle for me physically. Age is definitely beginning to catch up with me. My diabetes has always been a concern, but unbeknownst to me, it facilitates the growth of cataracts!
Who knew?
And the worst part is that cataracts take time to develop generally at a snail's pace. BUT diabetes vastly accelerates their development. It has been totally scary to be blinded by them and not be able to see like I used to. Finally, earlier this month, I had one eye done and I am able to SEE! I'm amazed at how colorful the world is. It's kind of like viewing the world in high def.
The doctor told me that my other eye is on the verge of losing sight because of the cataract. He said that I was seeing through a pin hole and it was amazing that I could see as well as I did. He expected it to be shut off two months ago. Well, now that I have my one eye back to normal....the event happened such that I can't see through that eye.
Its very disconcerting. But I'm working to remain positive in spite of things. The surgical coordinator at the doctor's office will make arrangement for the surgery next week when she returns from vacation.
So stay tuned! Keep the positive energy flowing in my direction!
Who knew?
And the worst part is that cataracts take time to develop generally at a snail's pace. BUT diabetes vastly accelerates their development. It has been totally scary to be blinded by them and not be able to see like I used to. Finally, earlier this month, I had one eye done and I am able to SEE! I'm amazed at how colorful the world is. It's kind of like viewing the world in high def.
The doctor told me that my other eye is on the verge of losing sight because of the cataract. He said that I was seeing through a pin hole and it was amazing that I could see as well as I did. He expected it to be shut off two months ago. Well, now that I have my one eye back to normal....the event happened such that I can't see through that eye.
Its very disconcerting. But I'm working to remain positive in spite of things. The surgical coordinator at the doctor's office will make arrangement for the surgery next week when she returns from vacation.
So stay tuned! Keep the positive energy flowing in my direction!
Monday, August 17, 2015
Are You Paying Attention?
Sometimes I fear that well meaning readers of this blog don't get it.
As I said in the last post, I'm not trying to come across as perfect...or to impart wisdom that somehow lifts me up into the heavenliness of perfection. I don't write these entries to entertain..or to gloss over my shortcomings...or to necessarily make me look good.
This blog is merely my journal that is offering you to read over my shoulder to see the journey I've been on during the past 9 years or so. At times I'm happy. At times I'm thankful. At times I ponder...other times I'm wistful. Still at other times I'm depressed.
This is a chronicle of my journey. It helps me on my journey of personal growth to be able to review and remember rest stops along the way.
So, if I whine, and you can't cope with it...or it stops making this blog uninteresting to you...then by all means, move on.
I'm not perfect.
Never claimed I was.
********
Today began my second week at a new job. I've been asked to take over a different section within my office that has me challenged by totally new issues and supervising a truly new and amazing staff of professionals. Yes, there is a degree of stress, but its a different kind than what I'm typically used to.
However, today was unique because I got swept up in a new drama from my former unit that is requiring time and energy. Who said that government work isn't exciting.
My new job is temporary. I expect to be in it about 10 months give or take. So, once I sort out some of the residual issues at the old job, I can focus on the new job fully.
Life is good.
*************
I just discovered the ON DEMAND feature of my cable provider. I also found the series I AM CAIT on the E! network which is chronicling the stuff that Caitlyn Jenner is facing as she continues on her journey. I'm totally fascinated and hooked on this series.
My church has a robust ministry to the Trans community and I have decided to become a staunch ally and friend. I went to their monthly meeting on Friday and I was amazed at all I learned. It's a difficult topic to get my mind around...but I am working to do so because I have so many transgendered friends.
It upsets me to hear people of faith make fun of them. To demonize them. To say they are worthy of death and hell, when all they are are normal people who just want to be treated like everyone else. Before it became cache to be gay...and gay marriage....etc.....that's all the gay community wanted.
But with all those advances, I suppose there are still rabid pockets of homophobia, just like there are for TRANSphobia.
I saw online today that ISIS threw two men off a building in the middle east for being gay. As if that was not enough, the group of people who watched them plummet to the ground stoned them upon touchdown. It was painful to watch and know that people can be so hateful.
Just because you're different.
So, as I sit here counting my blessings at being able to live authentically as a gay man.....I want to do my part to help my trans brothers and sisters in their fight for acceptance.
As I said in the last post, I'm not trying to come across as perfect...or to impart wisdom that somehow lifts me up into the heavenliness of perfection. I don't write these entries to entertain..or to gloss over my shortcomings...or to necessarily make me look good.
This blog is merely my journal that is offering you to read over my shoulder to see the journey I've been on during the past 9 years or so. At times I'm happy. At times I'm thankful. At times I ponder...other times I'm wistful. Still at other times I'm depressed.
This is a chronicle of my journey. It helps me on my journey of personal growth to be able to review and remember rest stops along the way.
So, if I whine, and you can't cope with it...or it stops making this blog uninteresting to you...then by all means, move on.
I'm not perfect.
Never claimed I was.
********
Today began my second week at a new job. I've been asked to take over a different section within my office that has me challenged by totally new issues and supervising a truly new and amazing staff of professionals. Yes, there is a degree of stress, but its a different kind than what I'm typically used to.
However, today was unique because I got swept up in a new drama from my former unit that is requiring time and energy. Who said that government work isn't exciting.
My new job is temporary. I expect to be in it about 10 months give or take. So, once I sort out some of the residual issues at the old job, I can focus on the new job fully.
Life is good.
*************
I just discovered the ON DEMAND feature of my cable provider. I also found the series I AM CAIT on the E! network which is chronicling the stuff that Caitlyn Jenner is facing as she continues on her journey. I'm totally fascinated and hooked on this series.
My church has a robust ministry to the Trans community and I have decided to become a staunch ally and friend. I went to their monthly meeting on Friday and I was amazed at all I learned. It's a difficult topic to get my mind around...but I am working to do so because I have so many transgendered friends.
It upsets me to hear people of faith make fun of them. To demonize them. To say they are worthy of death and hell, when all they are are normal people who just want to be treated like everyone else. Before it became cache to be gay...and gay marriage....etc.....that's all the gay community wanted.
But with all those advances, I suppose there are still rabid pockets of homophobia, just like there are for TRANSphobia.
I saw online today that ISIS threw two men off a building in the middle east for being gay. As if that was not enough, the group of people who watched them plummet to the ground stoned them upon touchdown. It was painful to watch and know that people can be so hateful.
Just because you're different.
So, as I sit here counting my blessings at being able to live authentically as a gay man.....I want to do my part to help my trans brothers and sisters in their fight for acceptance.
Bitterness
Long ago when I started this blog, I established a cardinal rule. That rule was that I would publish my truth and never use this as a platform to make me look good. It would be my unvarnished truth...and so here it is.
I've become a bitter old queen.
What made me this way today you may wonder? Well, I'm going through a period of time where I am just tired of being gay. In fact, I'm tired of all things gay. Rainbow. Sparkles. Pride.
Not sure where all this came from...but it is there. I'm tired of meeting nice guys...eligible guys...who are looking for every other kind of man but me. I'm too young. I'm too old. My hair is too silver. My hair isn't silver enough. I have a slight belly. My belly is not big enough. I'm not a twink. I'm not a bear. I have no muscles. I have no washboard abs. I'm not the correct sexual position in life. I'm too smooth. I'm not smooth enough. I'm chubby. I'm tall, but not quite tall enough.
Get the idea?
I'm just me.
I wonder if there is someone out there who "gets me."
Is there?
I've become a bitter old queen.
What made me this way today you may wonder? Well, I'm going through a period of time where I am just tired of being gay. In fact, I'm tired of all things gay. Rainbow. Sparkles. Pride.
Not sure where all this came from...but it is there. I'm tired of meeting nice guys...eligible guys...who are looking for every other kind of man but me. I'm too young. I'm too old. My hair is too silver. My hair isn't silver enough. I have a slight belly. My belly is not big enough. I'm not a twink. I'm not a bear. I have no muscles. I have no washboard abs. I'm not the correct sexual position in life. I'm too smooth. I'm not smooth enough. I'm chubby. I'm tall, but not quite tall enough.
Get the idea?
I'm just me.
I wonder if there is someone out there who "gets me."
Is there?
Saturday, August 08, 2015
Arriving at Sad Conclusions
This has been quite a busy week for me. At the beginning of it, I learned from my boss that I am being reassigned into a new job effective on Monday. My boss says that because I'm a good manager, I need to take over a different unit to help undo damage done by a bi-polar mess that left us two weeks ago for a new job herself. The BP has done significant damage to the unit, and it is going to take some time. I anticipate having to work there for at least 6 months. So everyone keep your fingers crossed for me!
This past Tuesday, I underwent cataract surgery in my right eye. It was scary for me in that I did not know what to expect. As a result of the stress, my sugar levels went crazy. But I'm happy to report that all went well. I can see beautifully out of my right eye. I can officially begin to drive again on Monday. The doctor is working to schedule my left eye to remove he cataract from there too. So look out!
While being away from work this week, I've been binge walking that old TV series, QUEER AS FOLK. I watched all five seasons of it. I had to chuckle because, at the time, I was very taken with it...couldn't relate to much of it...and was overly amazed by the portrayal of gay male relationships. This was because that during its run, I couldn't relate to the relationship aspect. I had no friends. I remember thinking how this group of male friends cold be so close without having some mass orgy every Friday night! LOL. You see, up until that time, I thought being gay was all about getting laid. I didn't think much about the feelings and commitments that people make. I guess I was in the heart of gay adolescence.
In this viewing of the series, I found myself longing to be Emmitt -- not swishy and queeny, but to have a man in my life like he was able to snag with the pro football player. Although the football player identified as not gay...but liked "having fun" with other guys...he deeply cared for Emmitt...and ultimately came out...and acknowledged his feelings...and his genuine care for Emmitt.
Gosh, why couldn't I find a man like him. Oh, not a pro football player....but just a really good man that is willing to connect emotionally and deeply on levels beyond the physical connection that takes place in bed.
As the series progressed, I guess in some respects I'm more like Ted. The geeky older accountant who always seems to find the wrong men. Then, when he meets someone he really thinks may be the one, something happens from left field that derails the relationship. Gosh, I don't want to be him! I don't ever want to come off as desperate. After all, I'm not really. I just hear the clock ticking as I become older and older. With each passing day, it seems my options shrink more and more and the likelihood of meeting the one grow remoter.
So, I've decided to back away from the hunt for a boyfriend. I've wasted so much time and energy with nothing to show for it. It hurts. But, I have a full life and refuse to lower my standards or hook up with someone out of desperation.
Sad, but true.
This past Tuesday, I underwent cataract surgery in my right eye. It was scary for me in that I did not know what to expect. As a result of the stress, my sugar levels went crazy. But I'm happy to report that all went well. I can see beautifully out of my right eye. I can officially begin to drive again on Monday. The doctor is working to schedule my left eye to remove he cataract from there too. So look out!
While being away from work this week, I've been binge walking that old TV series, QUEER AS FOLK. I watched all five seasons of it. I had to chuckle because, at the time, I was very taken with it...couldn't relate to much of it...and was overly amazed by the portrayal of gay male relationships. This was because that during its run, I couldn't relate to the relationship aspect. I had no friends. I remember thinking how this group of male friends cold be so close without having some mass orgy every Friday night! LOL. You see, up until that time, I thought being gay was all about getting laid. I didn't think much about the feelings and commitments that people make. I guess I was in the heart of gay adolescence.
In this viewing of the series, I found myself longing to be Emmitt -- not swishy and queeny, but to have a man in my life like he was able to snag with the pro football player. Although the football player identified as not gay...but liked "having fun" with other guys...he deeply cared for Emmitt...and ultimately came out...and acknowledged his feelings...and his genuine care for Emmitt.
Gosh, why couldn't I find a man like him. Oh, not a pro football player....but just a really good man that is willing to connect emotionally and deeply on levels beyond the physical connection that takes place in bed.
As the series progressed, I guess in some respects I'm more like Ted. The geeky older accountant who always seems to find the wrong men. Then, when he meets someone he really thinks may be the one, something happens from left field that derails the relationship. Gosh, I don't want to be him! I don't ever want to come off as desperate. After all, I'm not really. I just hear the clock ticking as I become older and older. With each passing day, it seems my options shrink more and more and the likelihood of meeting the one grow remoter.
So, I've decided to back away from the hunt for a boyfriend. I've wasted so much time and energy with nothing to show for it. It hurts. But, I have a full life and refuse to lower my standards or hook up with someone out of desperation.
Sad, but true.
Sunday, July 19, 2015
How Is Your Garden Variety Bisexual Doing?
A few posts back I wrote about my excitement at meeting the new man named "John." I had sort of written him off as one those garden variety bisexuals that we gay men tend to run across as we navigate dating's sometimes treacherous waters.
He is a beautiful man physically and inside.
He is the type of guy that I feel is totally out of my league...yet, I made some type of positive impression on him.
I have to say that I was totally let down when he told me he was so into women. Mentally, I marked him off m list. BUT...he has continued to text...everyday....and my thoughts about him are beginning to shift some.
Here are some of his texts:
"I welcome male intimacy."
"We should explore this. It feels so good and all this texting back and forth does too! I am really bad at dealing with loneliness. I have often felt alone here. I often feel like a man on mars. It felt good when I met you...and it still does."
So, I guess I have nothing to lose in exploring this.
In some of his texts it's almost like he has to throw in his interest in women to comfort himself. It's hard to explain...but his comments about women are so random.....and almost mechanical. Talking about their physical attributes is close to vulgar...but the tone he uses with me is altogether different.
Stay tuned...
He is a beautiful man physically and inside.
He is the type of guy that I feel is totally out of my league...yet, I made some type of positive impression on him.
I have to say that I was totally let down when he told me he was so into women. Mentally, I marked him off m list. BUT...he has continued to text...everyday....and my thoughts about him are beginning to shift some.
Here are some of his texts:
"I welcome male intimacy."
"We should explore this. It feels so good and all this texting back and forth does too! I am really bad at dealing with loneliness. I have often felt alone here. I often feel like a man on mars. It felt good when I met you...and it still does."
So, I guess I have nothing to lose in exploring this.
In some of his texts it's almost like he has to throw in his interest in women to comfort himself. It's hard to explain...but his comments about women are so random.....and almost mechanical. Talking about their physical attributes is close to vulgar...but the tone he uses with me is altogether different.
Stay tuned...
Sunday Morning Thoughts
Life are can be interesting.
Occasionally I realize that I have been carrying around some baggage that has not been fully dealt with. Even though I would liken it to be of a small carry on size, it still causes discomfort until I get the courage to deal directly with it.
Such was the case recently pertaining to a situation involving a very close friend. He's been dealing with "stuff" and I suddenly found myself sitting across from him as he expressed his pain. But the funny thing is that is identical to what I went through with him a few years ago.
It had bothered me. It was raw. I felt like I had something truly wrong with me. I felt as though I couldn't move on. It affected every fiber of me.
So, as he sat across the table from me commiserating, I grew a pair of balls and said, "I know EXACTLY how you feel and here's why."
I didn't dump on him. I didn't say this to inflict wounds to his already wounded spirit.
I did it as a pure teaching moment. While he felt totally devastated with a woe is me attitude, I used it as an opportunity of showing him that you can get passed the the issue. AND...it makes you a much better person.
You see, I dealt with the hurt and bad feeling about this friend years ago. So, I could speak matter of factly. Directly. Without the deep emotion I had originally had. After that meeting upon reflection, I was totally amazed at how well that discussion turned out. I was especially amazed at how much growth I detected in me.
Yes, bad experiences force us to grow. Sort of like those mysterious growing pains we have as children.
But as painful as those can be sometimes, we can rest in the comfort of knowing that we are growing.
Only living things grow.
On this Sunday morning, I'm in a good place.
Occasionally I realize that I have been carrying around some baggage that has not been fully dealt with. Even though I would liken it to be of a small carry on size, it still causes discomfort until I get the courage to deal directly with it.
Such was the case recently pertaining to a situation involving a very close friend. He's been dealing with "stuff" and I suddenly found myself sitting across from him as he expressed his pain. But the funny thing is that is identical to what I went through with him a few years ago.
It had bothered me. It was raw. I felt like I had something truly wrong with me. I felt as though I couldn't move on. It affected every fiber of me.
So, as he sat across the table from me commiserating, I grew a pair of balls and said, "I know EXACTLY how you feel and here's why."
I didn't dump on him. I didn't say this to inflict wounds to his already wounded spirit.
I did it as a pure teaching moment. While he felt totally devastated with a woe is me attitude, I used it as an opportunity of showing him that you can get passed the the issue. AND...it makes you a much better person.
You see, I dealt with the hurt and bad feeling about this friend years ago. So, I could speak matter of factly. Directly. Without the deep emotion I had originally had. After that meeting upon reflection, I was totally amazed at how well that discussion turned out. I was especially amazed at how much growth I detected in me.
Yes, bad experiences force us to grow. Sort of like those mysterious growing pains we have as children.
But as painful as those can be sometimes, we can rest in the comfort of knowing that we are growing.
Only living things grow.
On this Sunday morning, I'm in a good place.
Wednesday, July 08, 2015
Building a Successful Life After Coming Out
Well, I've been invited to a discussion on the topic of "Building a Successful Life After Coming Out." I have decided to attend this. It should be interesting. It's set for a week from this Friday.
I wonder what this kind of "Successful" life is? How do you know that you are leading a successful life after coming out?
I suppose that folks on the outside looking at my life would think I've done just that. Here are my accomplishments: divorced, survived financially, redefined my spirituality and faith background, create a strong network of friends, maintained the love of my children, maintained my job, came out to my parents who accepted me, survived the loss of both parents in quick succession, explored hobbies, took chances and discovered new things about me, etc.
But down deep I still feel like a failure -- at times.
This is because that my parents always epitomized a stable loving relationship. They modeled this 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. They were together 56 years. They told me that I would get married. They said she would be my best friend. They said that I could tell her everything and be honest....be vulnerable, and that she would always have my back. "You'll grow old together," they said. She'll support you through the good times and the bad.
So growing up I always thought my life would be just like theirs. I'd be like Ward Cleaver on LEAVE IT TO BEAVER. Perfect wife. Perfect kids. Perfect house. Perfect life.
For 25 years I thought in spite of my gayness...and quasi coming out, I had it all. I had the wife, the family, the house, etc. As a gay man, I even had a married lover who was in the same boat.
Then it was all gone. My world changed. The woman I trusted with my deepest most intimate secrets....the one I had been told to trust above all others -- betrayed me, almost gleefully. Shortly thereafter, the man that I truly cared deeply for, "set me free" because he thought he was holding me back.
So I lost in love two times in rapid fire succession.
How much weight do I put to these two major collapses in the overall theme of "Building a Successful Life After Coming Out"?
I just don't know.
I wonder what this kind of "Successful" life is? How do you know that you are leading a successful life after coming out?
I suppose that folks on the outside looking at my life would think I've done just that. Here are my accomplishments: divorced, survived financially, redefined my spirituality and faith background, create a strong network of friends, maintained the love of my children, maintained my job, came out to my parents who accepted me, survived the loss of both parents in quick succession, explored hobbies, took chances and discovered new things about me, etc.
But down deep I still feel like a failure -- at times.
This is because that my parents always epitomized a stable loving relationship. They modeled this 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. They were together 56 years. They told me that I would get married. They said she would be my best friend. They said that I could tell her everything and be honest....be vulnerable, and that she would always have my back. "You'll grow old together," they said. She'll support you through the good times and the bad.
So growing up I always thought my life would be just like theirs. I'd be like Ward Cleaver on LEAVE IT TO BEAVER. Perfect wife. Perfect kids. Perfect house. Perfect life.
For 25 years I thought in spite of my gayness...and quasi coming out, I had it all. I had the wife, the family, the house, etc. As a gay man, I even had a married lover who was in the same boat.
Then it was all gone. My world changed. The woman I trusted with my deepest most intimate secrets....the one I had been told to trust above all others -- betrayed me, almost gleefully. Shortly thereafter, the man that I truly cared deeply for, "set me free" because he thought he was holding me back.
So I lost in love two times in rapid fire succession.
How much weight do I put to these two major collapses in the overall theme of "Building a Successful Life After Coming Out"?
I just don't know.
Databreaches
In this era where there is a greater emphasis on cybersecurity, or should I say lack thereof at some sites, I'm very conscious of scams and the like. So far during the past year I've had my check card replaced three times due to a databreach. Then add to this the hacking into government computer systems -- specifically the Office of Personnel Management...well, as a government employee...I feel tremendously violated.
I have free credit monitoring. My social security number is being monitored. (I had just had my clearance renewed, and found out that database was also compromised. So I'm one of the lucky ones that is suspected of some stranger accessing all my information and the social security numbers of my family members I put on my clearance forms.
In the past week, I've received an unusual number of robo-calls from the IRS saying that a lawsuit is about to be filed against me. My daughter received one of these at her office.
I also have seen an increase of people who appear to be friends of mine, that say in part that they are on vacation with their family and were mugged. They have no money. Can I wire money to them to help them until they get their cards back.
All of these are classic scams. If you get a call from the IRS....don't provide any information, but hang up immediately. The IRS does not contact people like that and threaten. Don't provide social security information or bank account information. If you receive emails from friends on holiday....do not respond.
Databreaches continue to happen. Be watchful and vigilant.
I have free credit monitoring. My social security number is being monitored. (I had just had my clearance renewed, and found out that database was also compromised. So I'm one of the lucky ones that is suspected of some stranger accessing all my information and the social security numbers of my family members I put on my clearance forms.
In the past week, I've received an unusual number of robo-calls from the IRS saying that a lawsuit is about to be filed against me. My daughter received one of these at her office.
I also have seen an increase of people who appear to be friends of mine, that say in part that they are on vacation with their family and were mugged. They have no money. Can I wire money to them to help them until they get their cards back.
All of these are classic scams. If you get a call from the IRS....don't provide any information, but hang up immediately. The IRS does not contact people like that and threaten. Don't provide social security information or bank account information. If you receive emails from friends on holiday....do not respond.
Databreaches continue to happen. Be watchful and vigilant.
Tuesday, July 07, 2015
Again...
Who said being gay and trying to date is boring?
Well, I was all excited about "John." He was perfect...in so many ways. He really stirred me up...and I was strongly attracted to him....his presence....his attitude....his body. Aw...he would be perfect for me. AND on top of this he is two years older than me.
So, really, no fly by night kind of person at all.
BUT....there always seems to be one in dating.....
Yesterday he began texting me....fairly frequently throughout the day. It was friendly banter....and some of what he had to say got my hormones running amok....but I kept things in perspective. Clearly, he has lots on his mind....and I seem to made something of a profound impression on him.
But today he said that his first orientation is ladies....
Uh...huh....another one of "those."
So that pronouncement has rather put a damper on me. Perhaps it shouldn't...but it does. It means that he is bisexual...which is fine....but I'm hunting for a gay dude.....one that I can finally be his primary relationship....and not someone's second fiddle.
Been there...did that.
Most recently with Zach. For 12 years I did that with him...and I was just as guilty. He and I were both married to women...but we carried on like teenagers....with our wives blessing.... We had a long run. That breakup, coming on the heals of my divorce, nearly pushed me under. But I fought to stay afloat....and I succeeded.
So, I'm not excited at the prospect of going down that path again with John. Guess I'm going to go silent for a while with him. See what he says and does next. I just don't have the energy to respond to him right now. And as hot as he is...I don't want to be an option...I want to mean something.
So here I am ... again!
Same song, second verse.
Well, I was all excited about "John." He was perfect...in so many ways. He really stirred me up...and I was strongly attracted to him....his presence....his attitude....his body. Aw...he would be perfect for me. AND on top of this he is two years older than me.
So, really, no fly by night kind of person at all.
BUT....there always seems to be one in dating.....
Yesterday he began texting me....fairly frequently throughout the day. It was friendly banter....and some of what he had to say got my hormones running amok....but I kept things in perspective. Clearly, he has lots on his mind....and I seem to made something of a profound impression on him.
But today he said that his first orientation is ladies....
Uh...huh....another one of "those."
So that pronouncement has rather put a damper on me. Perhaps it shouldn't...but it does. It means that he is bisexual...which is fine....but I'm hunting for a gay dude.....one that I can finally be his primary relationship....and not someone's second fiddle.
Been there...did that.
Most recently with Zach. For 12 years I did that with him...and I was just as guilty. He and I were both married to women...but we carried on like teenagers....with our wives blessing.... We had a long run. That breakup, coming on the heals of my divorce, nearly pushed me under. But I fought to stay afloat....and I succeeded.
So, I'm not excited at the prospect of going down that path again with John. Guess I'm going to go silent for a while with him. See what he says and does next. I just don't have the energy to respond to him right now. And as hot as he is...I don't want to be an option...I want to mean something.
So here I am ... again!
Same song, second verse.
Monday, July 06, 2015
John
An interesting turn of events has happened for old Frank: I've met someone.
Yup...it was one of those chance meetings that occur when you least expect it. On Friday I had been invited to a cookout that was a sort of pre-Independence Day affair thrown by a good friend. I was surrounded by about 35 gay men...some partnered....some single. I went to this gathering without any particular agenda. I was looking for a good burger and hot dog.....and all the trimmings in the hot summer sun.
The conversation was lively. The whole picnic was abuzz about the Supreme Court ruling on gay marriage. Clearly everyone was excited about hat prospect...and I am a bit too...but without a partner in my life...getting worked up about an institution that didn't work for me originally seems odd now.
So time passed and after about 4 hours, I was tired...and planned to go home. I had already said goodbye to the host....and I was making my way to my car when John approaches. He was coming to the picnic late. Had he been any later...I would have missed him. But when he got close to me he stopped.....looked at me directly in the eye, "You're leaving?" he asked. I said, "yes, I am...I have a lot of other things I need to do."
"Aw...I'm sorry about that, I'd like to chat with you....I'm John, by the way."
Now, readers, this was no average man. This was a good looking older man with almost a "high and tight" haircut that emphasized his salt and pepper almost stubble on his head. He was square jawed. And I noted that underneath his rather snug fitting t-shirt, was a rather imposing set of pecs with abs to boot. He had on shorts and beefy legs.
I sputtered, "I-I-I'm Frank."
He stuck out his hand...and as he did this, he asked, "Do you have to go right this second?"
Looking at this human being with the perfect body....oozing of testosterone....begging me to stay.....well...I didn't need a whole lot of convincing to hang around a bit longer.
So we went back to the picnic. I found an empty chair...and before I could do anything, he had found a chair and plopped down right next to me!
This will sound silly....but it was if he and I were the only ones at the gathering. Some of the other men came to chat, but he sort of ignored them...and it was clear he wanted to know all about me. Needless to say, after all the negative experiences I have had in the world of meeting available gay men, I found his attention flattering and I felt my heart pounding in my chest.
We talked about everything. He told me what kind of work he did. He told me of his background. I told him mine...and then he asked if I lived close by. I live within about 2-3 miles...and he asked if he could have my contact information. He wants to go to dinner...and spend time getting to know me better. I told him that I would like that too.
So I gave him my email address....and my cellphone number.
I finally had to leave.....and he said he did too. We said goodbye to the host....and there beautiful John was....walking me to my car!
He told me that he'd be in touch. So, reluctantly I drove away.
So as the weekend progressed, I got busy. I thought of him in passing...and I told myself that he was going to be like so many other men....he'd not email...or call. Or if he did, he'd throw one of those left-field remarks at me...that would just add to my hurt and frustration. In other words, I was not getting my hopes up.
Even though John was so perfect in so many ways...
Last night as I was getting ready for bed, my cell phone rang. It was a strange number.
I picked it up...half expecting it to be a wrong number. WRONG!
It was JOHN!
"Hey, Frank! How are you? How was your weekend? Oh...this is John from the picnic. Didn't want you to think I'd forgotten you..."
I couldn't believe my ears.
We chatted for a while. I was is in a daze. Then he said that he'd let me go. "But I'll be in touch, he said."
I couldn't believe it!
When he hung up...I realized that I now had his phone number....but I wanted to keep it cool....and I don't want him to think that I'm all flustered.....even though I am....and I wanted to ask him so many different things....but I didn't.
So I labeled the phone information with his name. Looked at the number and sighed. Wondering when I might hear again from him.
Well, just now he called me! "Hey Frank! This is John again. I wanted you to know that I was thinking about you today." This time I asked all kinds of questions about him and his training. He did the same for me.
We appear to be going down a really nice path. If this man is the one....Old Frank will be the happiest man on the planet. My life will have become complete with someone special in it.
Yup...it was one of those chance meetings that occur when you least expect it. On Friday I had been invited to a cookout that was a sort of pre-Independence Day affair thrown by a good friend. I was surrounded by about 35 gay men...some partnered....some single. I went to this gathering without any particular agenda. I was looking for a good burger and hot dog.....and all the trimmings in the hot summer sun.
The conversation was lively. The whole picnic was abuzz about the Supreme Court ruling on gay marriage. Clearly everyone was excited about hat prospect...and I am a bit too...but without a partner in my life...getting worked up about an institution that didn't work for me originally seems odd now.
So time passed and after about 4 hours, I was tired...and planned to go home. I had already said goodbye to the host....and I was making my way to my car when John approaches. He was coming to the picnic late. Had he been any later...I would have missed him. But when he got close to me he stopped.....looked at me directly in the eye, "You're leaving?" he asked. I said, "yes, I am...I have a lot of other things I need to do."
"Aw...I'm sorry about that, I'd like to chat with you....I'm John, by the way."
Now, readers, this was no average man. This was a good looking older man with almost a "high and tight" haircut that emphasized his salt and pepper almost stubble on his head. He was square jawed. And I noted that underneath his rather snug fitting t-shirt, was a rather imposing set of pecs with abs to boot. He had on shorts and beefy legs.
I sputtered, "I-I-I'm Frank."
He stuck out his hand...and as he did this, he asked, "Do you have to go right this second?"
Looking at this human being with the perfect body....oozing of testosterone....begging me to stay.....well...I didn't need a whole lot of convincing to hang around a bit longer.
So we went back to the picnic. I found an empty chair...and before I could do anything, he had found a chair and plopped down right next to me!
This will sound silly....but it was if he and I were the only ones at the gathering. Some of the other men came to chat, but he sort of ignored them...and it was clear he wanted to know all about me. Needless to say, after all the negative experiences I have had in the world of meeting available gay men, I found his attention flattering and I felt my heart pounding in my chest.
We talked about everything. He told me what kind of work he did. He told me of his background. I told him mine...and then he asked if I lived close by. I live within about 2-3 miles...and he asked if he could have my contact information. He wants to go to dinner...and spend time getting to know me better. I told him that I would like that too.
So I gave him my email address....and my cellphone number.
I finally had to leave.....and he said he did too. We said goodbye to the host....and there beautiful John was....walking me to my car!
He told me that he'd be in touch. So, reluctantly I drove away.
So as the weekend progressed, I got busy. I thought of him in passing...and I told myself that he was going to be like so many other men....he'd not email...or call. Or if he did, he'd throw one of those left-field remarks at me...that would just add to my hurt and frustration. In other words, I was not getting my hopes up.
Even though John was so perfect in so many ways...
Last night as I was getting ready for bed, my cell phone rang. It was a strange number.
I picked it up...half expecting it to be a wrong number. WRONG!
It was JOHN!
"Hey, Frank! How are you? How was your weekend? Oh...this is John from the picnic. Didn't want you to think I'd forgotten you..."
I couldn't believe my ears.
We chatted for a while. I was is in a daze. Then he said that he'd let me go. "But I'll be in touch, he said."
I couldn't believe it!
When he hung up...I realized that I now had his phone number....but I wanted to keep it cool....and I don't want him to think that I'm all flustered.....even though I am....and I wanted to ask him so many different things....but I didn't.
So I labeled the phone information with his name. Looked at the number and sighed. Wondering when I might hear again from him.
Well, just now he called me! "Hey Frank! This is John again. I wanted you to know that I was thinking about you today." This time I asked all kinds of questions about him and his training. He did the same for me.
We appear to be going down a really nice path. If this man is the one....Old Frank will be the happiest man on the planet. My life will have become complete with someone special in it.
Gay Marriage!
Gosh...I never thought I would live to see the day that Gay Marriage would be the law of the land...but on June 26, 2015 it became just that! I nearly fainted when it became legal in the Commonwealth of Virginia and in my Home State of West Virginia, but my goodness...this is even more huge!
In the 10 years since Lovey's and my separation, the tide of acceptance for us gay folks has exponentially changed. I'm no longer ashamed as I was....or feeling second class.
It's amazing that as a gay man, I now have the option to marry the man I love...if I'm ever fortunate to find one. But it's not a priority. If it happens, it does. So you all just keep those positive thoughts and prayers headed into my direction.
In the meantime, I've been dealing with some medical issues. I've finally gained the upper hand on my diabetes. My A1C (long term sugar levels) is as 6.4 at last check. Still working to bring it down further...but I'm pleased. Last fall it got up to 14.9...which is definitely BAD.
My cataract surgery on my right eye is scheduled for August 4. I look forward to this happening and being able to see crystal clear again. Once this is complete...and if all goes well, my left eye will be done next.
On another front, last week I decided to return to GAMMA (Gay and Married Men's Association). It's an organization for gay and bisexual men who are or have been involved in a "straight" relationship with a woman. (Frank raises his hand.) I think the whole gay marriage thing has dislodged some issues that I need to deal with. Plus it never hurts to expand my network of friends.
At the first meeting I went back for...I made several new friends....and I'm amazed at how much I have matured and grown from the days I originally went to GAMMA. It was encouraging to me to see this first hand as I sat and listened to some of the men's horror stories of their treatment during their divorce....or as they are still living with their wives post disclosure.
While I could relate to their stories, I have a more interesting perspective now. The pain of separation is a distant memory...the hurt...the bitterness.....the uncertainty have all melted away. So, I'm now able to look back with a degree of objectivity. Yes, I have some real regrets. I never set out to deceive my wife....but I was listening to folks who were telling me how marriage would "reset" my thinking and "fix" me from being gay. I now know that this advice was faulty and misguided.
I pray that this kind of advice is now passé.
It is not good for well meaning Bible Thumping Christian to assume that "God's Plan" is one man....one woman....one lifetime. There is no guarantee that anyone who gets married will stay married until they die -- gay or straight. Things change....times change.....culture shifts.
Having two people of the same gender in a loving and committed relationship is not evil. If it is...it is the only time that I know of where a loving relationship is considered sinful and wrong....when Jesus proclaimed that they greatest commandment is love.
It just doesn't make a lot of sense to me.
So we now have Gay Marriage. Western Civilization did not end. Fire and brimstone did not rain from heaven.
Let's see what happens next!
In the 10 years since Lovey's and my separation, the tide of acceptance for us gay folks has exponentially changed. I'm no longer ashamed as I was....or feeling second class.
It's amazing that as a gay man, I now have the option to marry the man I love...if I'm ever fortunate to find one. But it's not a priority. If it happens, it does. So you all just keep those positive thoughts and prayers headed into my direction.
In the meantime, I've been dealing with some medical issues. I've finally gained the upper hand on my diabetes. My A1C (long term sugar levels) is as 6.4 at last check. Still working to bring it down further...but I'm pleased. Last fall it got up to 14.9...which is definitely BAD.
My cataract surgery on my right eye is scheduled for August 4. I look forward to this happening and being able to see crystal clear again. Once this is complete...and if all goes well, my left eye will be done next.
On another front, last week I decided to return to GAMMA (Gay and Married Men's Association). It's an organization for gay and bisexual men who are or have been involved in a "straight" relationship with a woman. (Frank raises his hand.) I think the whole gay marriage thing has dislodged some issues that I need to deal with. Plus it never hurts to expand my network of friends.
At the first meeting I went back for...I made several new friends....and I'm amazed at how much I have matured and grown from the days I originally went to GAMMA. It was encouraging to me to see this first hand as I sat and listened to some of the men's horror stories of their treatment during their divorce....or as they are still living with their wives post disclosure.
While I could relate to their stories, I have a more interesting perspective now. The pain of separation is a distant memory...the hurt...the bitterness.....the uncertainty have all melted away. So, I'm now able to look back with a degree of objectivity. Yes, I have some real regrets. I never set out to deceive my wife....but I was listening to folks who were telling me how marriage would "reset" my thinking and "fix" me from being gay. I now know that this advice was faulty and misguided.
I pray that this kind of advice is now passé.
It is not good for well meaning Bible Thumping Christian to assume that "God's Plan" is one man....one woman....one lifetime. There is no guarantee that anyone who gets married will stay married until they die -- gay or straight. Things change....times change.....culture shifts.
Having two people of the same gender in a loving and committed relationship is not evil. If it is...it is the only time that I know of where a loving relationship is considered sinful and wrong....when Jesus proclaimed that they greatest commandment is love.
It just doesn't make a lot of sense to me.
So we now have Gay Marriage. Western Civilization did not end. Fire and brimstone did not rain from heaven.
Let's see what happens next!
Thursday, June 25, 2015
Frank Just Said No...
It's either feast or famine with me. Sometimes I go weeks and week without any folks contacting me from my postings on the dating sites....and then for no real reason it turns into a feast! Of late, it seems that I am totally inundated with offers from guys (and some gals) saying that I am the greatest thing since sliced bread. They say how "perfect" I am and that they have been looking for me for a long time....or that they are "my man."
I'm beginning to see each of these responses as "red flags."
Yesterday I got one of those responses. He has lived here for 12 years.....he's a native of Ireland. He was 34 years old. He asked for me to swap pictures with him. He swapped first...and then I sent mine. He was cute...and dapper. Works in finance like I do. We have much in common and he loves older men. He made mention that he thought this stemmed from the lack of a father in his growing up years. But we didn't talk much about that.
He invited me to lunch at a public restaurant. Everything appeared to be good...but...
In the midst of our meal, he announced to me that he wanted me to know that he was married. He's been married for 12 years...and that is why he moved here.
So, given my experiences of the last week or so...I went into quasi attack mode. I pointed out that I had said up front what I was looking for and having a married lover on the side was not on my list!
Even though he was well built.....a kind and gentle way.....and somewhat sincere, the deal breaker was that he is a very married man with no plans to leave his wife.
I asked him why he responded to my profile. He said he like my pictures and that my profile read very well and came across as sincere.
I said, "It was sincere...I'm sincere."
Then he begged me to take him someplace....and "let's get naked. I want you to hold me."
I respectfully declined.
We departed and went our separate ways.
Frank just said no!
I'm beginning to see each of these responses as "red flags."
Yesterday I got one of those responses. He has lived here for 12 years.....he's a native of Ireland. He was 34 years old. He asked for me to swap pictures with him. He swapped first...and then I sent mine. He was cute...and dapper. Works in finance like I do. We have much in common and he loves older men. He made mention that he thought this stemmed from the lack of a father in his growing up years. But we didn't talk much about that.
He invited me to lunch at a public restaurant. Everything appeared to be good...but...
In the midst of our meal, he announced to me that he wanted me to know that he was married. He's been married for 12 years...and that is why he moved here.
So, given my experiences of the last week or so...I went into quasi attack mode. I pointed out that I had said up front what I was looking for and having a married lover on the side was not on my list!
Even though he was well built.....a kind and gentle way.....and somewhat sincere, the deal breaker was that he is a very married man with no plans to leave his wife.
I asked him why he responded to my profile. He said he like my pictures and that my profile read very well and came across as sincere.
I said, "It was sincere...I'm sincere."
Then he begged me to take him someplace....and "let's get naked. I want you to hold me."
I respectfully declined.
We departed and went our separate ways.
Frank just said no!
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
And So It Goes...
I'm still reeling from yesterday's rejection. You'd think I'd be used to it by now for goodness' sake. But I made the mistake of letting my guard down...and believing the stuff he told me. He would have been perfect. He was in my age range. Former military. Works at the Pentagon. Cute. Available. A man of faith. All the stuff that I'm looking for...and I feel "snookered."
Dating is interesting. I feel so dumb about it and totally inept. I tend to accept people for their face value. I try to see the best in them...and overlook their flaws. Perhaps I am gullible. Perhaps I'm too trusting. It seems that I run two risks here: if I'm cautious...it will be interpreted as being cold and aloof and they will think I'm not interested. If I'm too relaxed, I give in and then appear easy.
There has got to be a middle ground.
But as time goes on, I feel as though I'm vulnerable to situations such as this one. I want a relationship so bad, I may fall for the first thing that comes along....
To add additional frustration to my plight, I received three separate responses this week to my posting on Match.com. What frustrated me was the fact that these were all women who liked my ad....and my selection of pictures. They hadn't noticed that I'm gay. If only I were straight, apparently I'd have not problem finding a compatible partner. SIGH
But I'm gay as a goose! I don't want to fall into the trap of immediately falling for the first man that shows interest. This latest experience with the man I did on Thursday has alerted me to my overall state of vulnerability.
Perhaps the one option is the most obvious undesirable one: just be single. I'm there already. I just need to suck it up.
And so it goes...
Dating is interesting. I feel so dumb about it and totally inept. I tend to accept people for their face value. I try to see the best in them...and overlook their flaws. Perhaps I am gullible. Perhaps I'm too trusting. It seems that I run two risks here: if I'm cautious...it will be interpreted as being cold and aloof and they will think I'm not interested. If I'm too relaxed, I give in and then appear easy.
There has got to be a middle ground.
But as time goes on, I feel as though I'm vulnerable to situations such as this one. I want a relationship so bad, I may fall for the first thing that comes along....
To add additional frustration to my plight, I received three separate responses this week to my posting on Match.com. What frustrated me was the fact that these were all women who liked my ad....and my selection of pictures. They hadn't noticed that I'm gay. If only I were straight, apparently I'd have not problem finding a compatible partner. SIGH
But I'm gay as a goose! I don't want to fall into the trap of immediately falling for the first man that shows interest. This latest experience with the man I did on Thursday has alerted me to my overall state of vulnerability.
Perhaps the one option is the most obvious undesirable one: just be single. I'm there already. I just need to suck it up.
And so it goes...
Rejection #3000! (LOL)
Oh I don't know if I have truly been rejected that many times....but sometimes like today, it sure feels that way.
Today's is one of those where things appear to be going super well....and then something from LEFT FIELD ambushes you and you feel like crap! They give you an excuse that sound like something akin to "The Dog ate my homework!"
Last Thursday I met a man who had responded to one of my postings for a LTR. He said that he was a man of faith and that he was looking for what I'm looking for. So he wanted me to come to his hotel(Mistake #1) to talk and get to know each other. I asked him to meet out front. So we sat and chatted. Seemed like a great man. He suggested we move into his room where we could talk more privately. (Mistake #2). We talked for another hour. It was time for me to leave...and as I started for the door. He hugged me. He kissed me. (Mistake #3) And then...the fireworks really ignited. (Mistake #4).
He had said he was relocating to this area. He'd be here in three weeks. Wanted to know if I would do dinner with him...and I said sure. I told him that I enjoyed meeting him. I hoped he would keep in touch.... He promised he would.
Today I got this email from him.
“Frank, Thank you for the other evening,the conversation really helped me. I appreciated your honesty and passion. You reminded me of a family friend, your mannerisms and personality are identical – the only problem is that person rubs me the wrong way. I thought I could get past it, but it was right there top of mind and made an awkward situation worse. I wanted to write you to assure you that I was not one of those guys you have experienced in the past. I wanted to take some time and really think about it and its something that is a deal breaker for me. I thank you again for taking the timeand coming to meet with me. It was most helpful. I think for now I am going to stay in the closet and not change anything. God Bless.”
Sigh...so I don't know what to think.
Part of me wants to reply in some manner....another part of me just want to go silent and let him wonder.
Rejection #3000 has completed.
Today's is one of those where things appear to be going super well....and then something from LEFT FIELD ambushes you and you feel like crap! They give you an excuse that sound like something akin to "The Dog ate my homework!"
Last Thursday I met a man who had responded to one of my postings for a LTR. He said that he was a man of faith and that he was looking for what I'm looking for. So he wanted me to come to his hotel(Mistake #1) to talk and get to know each other. I asked him to meet out front. So we sat and chatted. Seemed like a great man. He suggested we move into his room where we could talk more privately. (Mistake #2). We talked for another hour. It was time for me to leave...and as I started for the door. He hugged me. He kissed me. (Mistake #3) And then...the fireworks really ignited. (Mistake #4).
He had said he was relocating to this area. He'd be here in three weeks. Wanted to know if I would do dinner with him...and I said sure. I told him that I enjoyed meeting him. I hoped he would keep in touch.... He promised he would.
Today I got this email from him.
“Frank, Thank you for the other evening,the conversation really helped me. I appreciated your honesty and passion. You reminded me of a family friend, your mannerisms and personality are identical – the only problem is that person rubs me the wrong way. I thought I could get past it, but it was right there top of mind and made an awkward situation worse. I wanted to write you to assure you that I was not one of those guys you have experienced in the past. I wanted to take some time and really think about it and its something that is a deal breaker for me. I thank you again for taking the timeand coming to meet with me. It was most helpful. I think for now I am going to stay in the closet and not change anything. God Bless.”
Sigh...so I don't know what to think.
Part of me wants to reply in some manner....another part of me just want to go silent and let him wonder.
Rejection #3000 has completed.
Monday, June 22, 2015
Father's Day 2015
Many of my gay friends find it interesting that I was in a "straight" marriage for over 25 years. They want to focus on the drama...the hurt....the depression....the thoughts of suicide -- all the negatives.
Their number one question is always, "If you could, and you could live your life over again, would you change it?"
In some respects I think I might...but then there is one aspect I would never, ever want to change...and that is the fact that I am the father of three wonderful human beings that would not have been here had I not married their mother on that crisp late autumn day in December 1981. If there could be a way for me to still have my children...but not have to contend with the drama involving Lovey...then, most definitely, I would make serious changes.
Like what?
Well, I would not have looked upon my gayness as an affliction or a curse. I would not have beat myself up and felt like such a sinner. I would have taken better care of myself...physically and emotionally. I would have fallen in love...perhaps committed to a good guy and just lived my days out quietly. I would not have allowed a pastor to take advantage of me sexually and then have him ban me from church. He was then "called" to the mission field overseas 3 weeks later. (I swear, I'm amazed that I still have a faith to cling to.)
At my current age, I feel like I'm at such a disadvantage. I mean, at the age of 57, the pool of possible men to date (which was already small to begin with) is starting to dwindle. I mean, who is going to find a 57 year old man with silver hair, diabetes, and high blood pressure, desirable? I try to keep an open mind...and remain positive...but with each passing day, it becomes increasingly discouraging.
So, I can't go back and change the unfortunate circumstances and drama that composed my life. The angst of coming out. The insecurities. The low self-esteem.
But I can thank God for allowing me to experience these negatives because I think the ending result is a deeply caring man who can empathize. A man that has an unfathomable reservoir of love for people. A man of deep faith. A gay man that has a virtually untapped capacity to love just one man.
I've landed on my feet. I have three wonderful children and three grandchildren. No regrets or concerns.
A number of my gay friends tell me that I am very blessed to have children...because the vast majority of them wanted children. Now that they are older, and their partners have passed away or they went through painful breakups, they now find themselves painfully alone.
I don't want to be alone emotionally. I need to have one person that I can share my love with. Unashamedly. Passionately. Bring him into my family. For him to experience the joy and drama of my children. For him to be my family.
The hunger I have for companionship comes from the fact that my own father died 4 years ago. As Father's Day dawned this year, I was thinking of him and my mother. As an only child, I feel like an orphan now that both are gone. It can be a very lonely place.
It would be nice to have a hand to hold....or a chest to burrow into at times like this. But I don't have that...and so I must continue forward.
I have children who depend upon me. I'm their Father and it's Father's Day 2015.
Their number one question is always, "If you could, and you could live your life over again, would you change it?"
In some respects I think I might...but then there is one aspect I would never, ever want to change...and that is the fact that I am the father of three wonderful human beings that would not have been here had I not married their mother on that crisp late autumn day in December 1981. If there could be a way for me to still have my children...but not have to contend with the drama involving Lovey...then, most definitely, I would make serious changes.
Like what?
Well, I would not have looked upon my gayness as an affliction or a curse. I would not have beat myself up and felt like such a sinner. I would have taken better care of myself...physically and emotionally. I would have fallen in love...perhaps committed to a good guy and just lived my days out quietly. I would not have allowed a pastor to take advantage of me sexually and then have him ban me from church. He was then "called" to the mission field overseas 3 weeks later. (I swear, I'm amazed that I still have a faith to cling to.)
At my current age, I feel like I'm at such a disadvantage. I mean, at the age of 57, the pool of possible men to date (which was already small to begin with) is starting to dwindle. I mean, who is going to find a 57 year old man with silver hair, diabetes, and high blood pressure, desirable? I try to keep an open mind...and remain positive...but with each passing day, it becomes increasingly discouraging.
So, I can't go back and change the unfortunate circumstances and drama that composed my life. The angst of coming out. The insecurities. The low self-esteem.
But I can thank God for allowing me to experience these negatives because I think the ending result is a deeply caring man who can empathize. A man that has an unfathomable reservoir of love for people. A man of deep faith. A gay man that has a virtually untapped capacity to love just one man.
I've landed on my feet. I have three wonderful children and three grandchildren. No regrets or concerns.
A number of my gay friends tell me that I am very blessed to have children...because the vast majority of them wanted children. Now that they are older, and their partners have passed away or they went through painful breakups, they now find themselves painfully alone.
I don't want to be alone emotionally. I need to have one person that I can share my love with. Unashamedly. Passionately. Bring him into my family. For him to experience the joy and drama of my children. For him to be my family.
The hunger I have for companionship comes from the fact that my own father died 4 years ago. As Father's Day dawned this year, I was thinking of him and my mother. As an only child, I feel like an orphan now that both are gone. It can be a very lonely place.
It would be nice to have a hand to hold....or a chest to burrow into at times like this. But I don't have that...and so I must continue forward.
I have children who depend upon me. I'm their Father and it's Father's Day 2015.
Sunday, June 21, 2015
My Fantasy
It has been a quiet weekend here in Northern Virginia. My daughter who lives with me is in Nashville spending time with her twin sister. They just celebrated their 31st birthday, and so they love being together. Old dad here gets to spend some quality alone time.
As a man of faith, I've used quite a bit of this time to reflect and think about where I've come from, and think of those things that I wish to attain yet in the time I have remaining on this planet.
If you have read any of my previous entries, you know that my faith is an important part of who I am. It has seen me through some very difficult, emotional times...and it's always there even in the best of times.
So, I'm a bit surprised by what I'm feeling these days. So if you're reading this, I'd appreciate your prayers, your good thoughts...your positive energy all flowing in my direction.
I'm going through a time of tremendous discouragement. I feel stuck. I feel adrift. I feel like I have no one to turn to. So here goes.
For six years, I've been talking to God about finding a mate. But it feels as though the heavens are brass and that perhaps my prayers are not being heard. I've met many, many, wonderful men....but nothing ever happens. I feel like I am the eternal best friend. (Always the bridesmaid, never the bride! LOL!)
Are my standards too high? At age 57, do I have delusions of grandeur that someone will be attracted to the likes of me? Am I ugly? Am I too fat? Am I doing something wrong?
At my age I've come to the following conclusions:
If I meet someone and tell him that he is really something or put together real nicely, I'm perceived as being desperate.
If I complain or express frustrations about not having someone to love and to grow old with, I'm perceived as wearing my feelings on my sleeve.
If I appear appear friendly, self-confident, and happy, I'm perceived as being "fiercely independent" and not needing anyone.
Finally, if I'm tongue tied or shy upon meeting someone who I find attractive or in new social situations, I'm perceived as being cold and aloof.
In other words, I can't be truly me without people jumping to conclusions that are inaccurate.
You see, I'm a normal red blooded American gay guy. There are guys who I find really attractive. I find myself wanting to introduce myself. Some who have gone through a lot, I'd love to be able to run up to them and wrap my arms around them and say -- "You know....I could really care for you and help you through this!" But, if I did, they'd run for the hills for sure.
I've met men who I know would be perfect for me. But they are partnered or married or..have these visions of finding a boyfriend who looks like something from a porn flick. This is their goal for having a boy friend. Only later, after they've moved out of the area, they contact me and say "Gee, Frank...you are the greatest guy and I'm sorry that I didn't pursue you when I had the chance!" It's like they finally woke up.
Do I need to wave a banner that says "I'm what you've been looking for! I'm Here!"?
I am constantly working to improve myself. I believe that I'm a good guy. I'm halfway attractive. I'm not porn star material and do not strive to be so. I'm successful. I've got adult kids I've got grandchildren. I have my own home. I have a great job. I surround myself with great friends. So, what's the problem?
My fantasy...
Since I was married for such a long time to someone who never showed me love...but weather, made me feel like a cross between Daddy Warlocks and Six Month Old...bottom of the freezer leftovers, I want to feel like I matter to someone else on the planet. Oh, I have my children and I know I matter to them. But I'm talking about a romantic partner. Someone who will call me up in the middle of the day to say hello and let me know they are thinking of me. I'm looking for someone who is kind...loving....reasonably attractive. Successful in their own right. Someone who may have had his own share of hard knocks and hurts and failures who would appreciate a kind and strong presence in his life. To share a warm hug. A tender kiss. Broad shoulders to cry on. A good hand to hold. A person to make love to... Someone who is a bit old fashioned when it comes to romance. A love of family and of God. A great sense of humor. Someone who is not afraid to laugh. Someone who is not afraid to cry. Someone who is not afraid to communicate. Someone who is not ashamed to get naked and let his warts show (literally and figuratively). Someone who is not afraid to let the world know who he loves A person who is not afraid to be himself. A man who accepts me as I am and does not have a list of changes he wants me to make.
I think you get the idea of what I'm longing for. This seems like a tall order...and I'm discouraged because it feels like a needle in the haystack kind of search. Perhaps I'm just in the wrong haystack!
How do I find this man? Does he even exist? or is he just my fantasy?
As a man of faith, I've used quite a bit of this time to reflect and think about where I've come from, and think of those things that I wish to attain yet in the time I have remaining on this planet.
If you have read any of my previous entries, you know that my faith is an important part of who I am. It has seen me through some very difficult, emotional times...and it's always there even in the best of times.
So, I'm a bit surprised by what I'm feeling these days. So if you're reading this, I'd appreciate your prayers, your good thoughts...your positive energy all flowing in my direction.
I'm going through a time of tremendous discouragement. I feel stuck. I feel adrift. I feel like I have no one to turn to. So here goes.
For six years, I've been talking to God about finding a mate. But it feels as though the heavens are brass and that perhaps my prayers are not being heard. I've met many, many, wonderful men....but nothing ever happens. I feel like I am the eternal best friend. (Always the bridesmaid, never the bride! LOL!)
Are my standards too high? At age 57, do I have delusions of grandeur that someone will be attracted to the likes of me? Am I ugly? Am I too fat? Am I doing something wrong?
At my age I've come to the following conclusions:
If I meet someone and tell him that he is really something or put together real nicely, I'm perceived as being desperate.
If I complain or express frustrations about not having someone to love and to grow old with, I'm perceived as wearing my feelings on my sleeve.
If I appear appear friendly, self-confident, and happy, I'm perceived as being "fiercely independent" and not needing anyone.
Finally, if I'm tongue tied or shy upon meeting someone who I find attractive or in new social situations, I'm perceived as being cold and aloof.
In other words, I can't be truly me without people jumping to conclusions that are inaccurate.
You see, I'm a normal red blooded American gay guy. There are guys who I find really attractive. I find myself wanting to introduce myself. Some who have gone through a lot, I'd love to be able to run up to them and wrap my arms around them and say -- "You know....I could really care for you and help you through this!" But, if I did, they'd run for the hills for sure.
I've met men who I know would be perfect for me. But they are partnered or married or..have these visions of finding a boyfriend who looks like something from a porn flick. This is their goal for having a boy friend. Only later, after they've moved out of the area, they contact me and say "Gee, Frank...you are the greatest guy and I'm sorry that I didn't pursue you when I had the chance!" It's like they finally woke up.
Do I need to wave a banner that says "I'm what you've been looking for! I'm Here!"?
I am constantly working to improve myself. I believe that I'm a good guy. I'm halfway attractive. I'm not porn star material and do not strive to be so. I'm successful. I've got adult kids I've got grandchildren. I have my own home. I have a great job. I surround myself with great friends. So, what's the problem?
My fantasy...
Since I was married for such a long time to someone who never showed me love...but weather, made me feel like a cross between Daddy Warlocks and Six Month Old...bottom of the freezer leftovers, I want to feel like I matter to someone else on the planet. Oh, I have my children and I know I matter to them. But I'm talking about a romantic partner. Someone who will call me up in the middle of the day to say hello and let me know they are thinking of me. I'm looking for someone who is kind...loving....reasonably attractive. Successful in their own right. Someone who may have had his own share of hard knocks and hurts and failures who would appreciate a kind and strong presence in his life. To share a warm hug. A tender kiss. Broad shoulders to cry on. A good hand to hold. A person to make love to... Someone who is a bit old fashioned when it comes to romance. A love of family and of God. A great sense of humor. Someone who is not afraid to laugh. Someone who is not afraid to cry. Someone who is not afraid to communicate. Someone who is not ashamed to get naked and let his warts show (literally and figuratively). Someone who is not afraid to let the world know who he loves A person who is not afraid to be himself. A man who accepts me as I am and does not have a list of changes he wants me to make.
I think you get the idea of what I'm longing for. This seems like a tall order...and I'm discouraged because it feels like a needle in the haystack kind of search. Perhaps I'm just in the wrong haystack!
How do I find this man? Does he even exist? or is he just my fantasy?
Friday, June 19, 2015
My Quest
As an out and proud gay man, I've certainly encountered some interesting people. I've talked to people who are straight who really don't "get it" that there are men who are alive and well that do not get aroused by some beautiful, blonde voluptuous female. Others like to make grand pronouncements about how being gay is not "God's Plan" for humanity. They think that the whole purpose of physical intimacy is for procreation and, well, because two males can't procreate, this somehow negates the entire relationship.
Then there are men, like one I work with, who seems totally fixated on certain aspects of gay relationships. This guy goes into really deep descriptions of certain body parts fitting into other body parts that weren't designed to be put together and how it makes him to want to throw up!
I think he protests way too much...and is too fixated on the activities that two men can share.
I've never quite understood what the hangup is about sex. Gay sex....straight sex.....or basically the concept of two people who like to get naked and please another person. After all, everyone alive or who has ever lived, is the product of people who have partaken of this activity. AND everyone who is alive, enjoys having physical intimacy of some kind...but some, especially, church people pretend that they have begotten children via some sort of miraculous birth process or immaculate conception.
I've just never understood that concept.
As a young teenager, I remember feeling like a stranger in my own body. My body was changing....and I started noticing members of my own gender. Certain of these guys would cause certain physical reactions. I felt dirty. I felt abnormal. But I noticed that I was actually no different in feeling the way I did, from how my other friends' were feeling about a "stacked" girl in our class. They would actually be quite graphic about what they'd love to do with her if they could only be naked with her. The only difference was that I didn't feel the liberty to express what I'd like to do with that hunky football player in the corner! LOL.
It was also during this time that I totally immersed myself in church work to curb my terrible thought life. I mean, the hormones were uncontrollable....and I walked with a permanent erection....it was stressful trying to conceal it. My goodness.
However, I was a member of a very fundamental Pentecostal denomination. (The Church of God, Cleveland, TN) During those years, it taught that there would be no mixed bathing.... Only boys could swim with boys...and girls could swim with girls. I thought it odd...that here I was...a gay man....having to swim with other men that I was attracted to....but men attracted to girls couldn't swim with them because it was evil! LOL.
It seemed that there was just this preoccupation with sex among the adults...and they would tell us how evil and sinful it was...but on Sunday, we'd here how beautiful sex was between a man and a woman "on the marital bed."
About this time of the year annually, we had a state "CampMeeting" usually at the state headquarters. Groups from each local church would attend for Bible Study....rip roaring evening services, with different manifestations of the spirit...miracles....and the like. But always in the back of the meeting place, the church book store would set up shop....and invariably there there were always books about sex....with pictures! During prayer I'd be looking through the books and learning about various positions for intimacy!
So, at this stage of my life...I finally understand that I'm gay. I understand that God loves me. He created me just as I am. He has also given me a tremendous gift. That is, the very strong and infinite ability to love someone of my own gender without shame....without guilt......and to love them unconditionally....fully....passionately. He has allowed me several opportunities to do so....and I can say that I understand how it is all meant to be for me.
But there are just so many folks with hangups....and strange ideas. They're consumed with guilt. Yet they hunger for naked, physical intimacy with another adult.
I hurt for those people.
But I guess each person is on their own journey to personal growth.
But I'm so thankful that I have grown... I just long for one special man. When I find him...you will here me laugh from the rafters....my joy will overflow. That's my quest.
Then there are men, like one I work with, who seems totally fixated on certain aspects of gay relationships. This guy goes into really deep descriptions of certain body parts fitting into other body parts that weren't designed to be put together and how it makes him to want to throw up!
I think he protests way too much...and is too fixated on the activities that two men can share.
I've never quite understood what the hangup is about sex. Gay sex....straight sex.....or basically the concept of two people who like to get naked and please another person. After all, everyone alive or who has ever lived, is the product of people who have partaken of this activity. AND everyone who is alive, enjoys having physical intimacy of some kind...but some, especially, church people pretend that they have begotten children via some sort of miraculous birth process or immaculate conception.
I've just never understood that concept.
As a young teenager, I remember feeling like a stranger in my own body. My body was changing....and I started noticing members of my own gender. Certain of these guys would cause certain physical reactions. I felt dirty. I felt abnormal. But I noticed that I was actually no different in feeling the way I did, from how my other friends' were feeling about a "stacked" girl in our class. They would actually be quite graphic about what they'd love to do with her if they could only be naked with her. The only difference was that I didn't feel the liberty to express what I'd like to do with that hunky football player in the corner! LOL.
It was also during this time that I totally immersed myself in church work to curb my terrible thought life. I mean, the hormones were uncontrollable....and I walked with a permanent erection....it was stressful trying to conceal it. My goodness.
However, I was a member of a very fundamental Pentecostal denomination. (The Church of God, Cleveland, TN) During those years, it taught that there would be no mixed bathing.... Only boys could swim with boys...and girls could swim with girls. I thought it odd...that here I was...a gay man....having to swim with other men that I was attracted to....but men attracted to girls couldn't swim with them because it was evil! LOL.
It seemed that there was just this preoccupation with sex among the adults...and they would tell us how evil and sinful it was...but on Sunday, we'd here how beautiful sex was between a man and a woman "on the marital bed."
About this time of the year annually, we had a state "CampMeeting" usually at the state headquarters. Groups from each local church would attend for Bible Study....rip roaring evening services, with different manifestations of the spirit...miracles....and the like. But always in the back of the meeting place, the church book store would set up shop....and invariably there there were always books about sex....with pictures! During prayer I'd be looking through the books and learning about various positions for intimacy!
So, at this stage of my life...I finally understand that I'm gay. I understand that God loves me. He created me just as I am. He has also given me a tremendous gift. That is, the very strong and infinite ability to love someone of my own gender without shame....without guilt......and to love them unconditionally....fully....passionately. He has allowed me several opportunities to do so....and I can say that I understand how it is all meant to be for me.
But there are just so many folks with hangups....and strange ideas. They're consumed with guilt. Yet they hunger for naked, physical intimacy with another adult.
I hurt for those people.
But I guess each person is on their own journey to personal growth.
But I'm so thankful that I have grown... I just long for one special man. When I find him...you will here me laugh from the rafters....my joy will overflow. That's my quest.
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
And Then There is (was) Zach...
Long time readers of this blog will recall that during the course of all the entries, I've discussed a man I call Zach. Zach, at the time, was the love of my life. He was married, as was I...the wives knew...and supported each other's presence in their husband's lives.
I never wrote much about him -- at his request...but it was a very sweet relationship and it lasted for many years! It ended when my divorce happened....because he felt we were out of synch... So over my protestations it ended. So in the spate of a few months, I lost my wife...and him. All this loss nearly put me under....but I buoyed to the surface....and survived.
He and I have maintained a warm relationship since. Not as close as before....but there are mutual feelings of affection and warmth that have endured the breakup. It even survived with the entrance of his new guy.
Still, I find that I care for this guy....although I keep a very respectful distance from him in social situations. We would see each other very frequently in a social organization we're both members of...until recently.
Something has happened now that has taken him from this organization....and it bothers me. I don't know why I should be bothered by it. His choices are his own. His life is his own. Something does not feel right in this departure. Perhaps its the strangeness of not getting to at least see him from afar...and to know that he is doing well. Perhaps its the uncertainty of not knowing whether I will see him ever again. You see, I have no reasons to cross paths with him now.
Is it mourning the finality of my loss of him. Gosh it has been many years...10 in fact, since the divorce/separation.
Am I codependent in some sort of weird way?
Aw...I'm trying to suck it up...and to realize that people come and go in our lives. Some departures are good. They provide a much needed respite from unnecessary drama they inflict on our lives. Others are painful...their departure cuts like a knife.....where you feel like your guts are going to explode. You wonder if you can handle the pain...
And then there is (was) Zach....
I never wrote much about him -- at his request...but it was a very sweet relationship and it lasted for many years! It ended when my divorce happened....because he felt we were out of synch... So over my protestations it ended. So in the spate of a few months, I lost my wife...and him. All this loss nearly put me under....but I buoyed to the surface....and survived.
He and I have maintained a warm relationship since. Not as close as before....but there are mutual feelings of affection and warmth that have endured the breakup. It even survived with the entrance of his new guy.
Still, I find that I care for this guy....although I keep a very respectful distance from him in social situations. We would see each other very frequently in a social organization we're both members of...until recently.
Something has happened now that has taken him from this organization....and it bothers me. I don't know why I should be bothered by it. His choices are his own. His life is his own. Something does not feel right in this departure. Perhaps its the strangeness of not getting to at least see him from afar...and to know that he is doing well. Perhaps its the uncertainty of not knowing whether I will see him ever again. You see, I have no reasons to cross paths with him now.
Is it mourning the finality of my loss of him. Gosh it has been many years...10 in fact, since the divorce/separation.
Am I codependent in some sort of weird way?
Aw...I'm trying to suck it up...and to realize that people come and go in our lives. Some departures are good. They provide a much needed respite from unnecessary drama they inflict on our lives. Others are painful...their departure cuts like a knife.....where you feel like your guts are going to explode. You wonder if you can handle the pain...
And then there is (was) Zach....
Tuesday, June 09, 2015
The Creep
As I have wondered through the merry world of gay male dating, I'm totally dumbfounded at the number of sick puppies that are in the ranks. Clearly, they have suffered some sort of trauma that has led them to act out in rather unhelpful ways. So about two weeks ago, I heard from such a man.
I'll call him THE CREEP or TC for short.
He wrote in response to my profile post on Match.Com. I have several photos posted there and I have an extensive description of what I'm looking for in a suitable mate. I DO NOT aggressively search those profiles and try to contact folks I think are interesting. I let them come to me...and figure if they are serious they will. Perhaps if I were more aggressive, I would have more success...but for now, I'm content for those who wish to contact me to do so.
TC wrote on an early Saturday morning. His note of introduction read:
This should have tipped me off....but I gave him the benefit of the doubt and proceeded to chat cautiously.
Over the course of the conversation I learned that he was eight years younger than me. I found that he was a mechanical engineer and he owned his own home in a nearby jurisdiction. He kept saying that he wanted me to have his "milk"....and that once he gave it to me either through sex or orally, I was his. So when someone is talking this way over and over....and over and over.....this is really a bit offputting.
So, I ran a little experiment.
I decided to see just how serious this man was. He kept saying things like, I need to know that you are really serious and that you will be true only to me if I give myself to you.
So having heard this for the millionth time...I wrote back to him to say that I expected the same from him....and that "you will only be true to me" if I am intimate with you.
LOL.
Wouldn't you know...NO RESPONSE.
So, TC is history. Although an attractive man....the feeling of dependent ownership scares me.
This reminds me of the other guy years ago who announced his undying love to me and his fedlity....and that we'd full around like bunnies when I was with him and going to the store...and doing other mundane tasks like emptying the garbage. The clincher to that one was when he said that he couldn't wait to share an erotic bowel movement with me!
Another story for another day.
No wonder I'm not looking.
I'll call him THE CREEP or TC for short.
He wrote in response to my profile post on Match.Com. I have several photos posted there and I have an extensive description of what I'm looking for in a suitable mate. I DO NOT aggressively search those profiles and try to contact folks I think are interesting. I let them come to me...and figure if they are serious they will. Perhaps if I were more aggressive, I would have more success...but for now, I'm content for those who wish to contact me to do so.
TC wrote on an early Saturday morning. His note of introduction read:
"If you serious and can only catch for me then I am interested. Please let me know because no one ever seems to tell the truth on this site."
This should have tipped me off....but I gave him the benefit of the doubt and proceeded to chat cautiously.
Over the course of the conversation I learned that he was eight years younger than me. I found that he was a mechanical engineer and he owned his own home in a nearby jurisdiction. He kept saying that he wanted me to have his "milk"....and that once he gave it to me either through sex or orally, I was his. So when someone is talking this way over and over....and over and over.....this is really a bit offputting.
So, I ran a little experiment.
I decided to see just how serious this man was. He kept saying things like, I need to know that you are really serious and that you will be true only to me if I give myself to you.
So having heard this for the millionth time...I wrote back to him to say that I expected the same from him....and that "you will only be true to me" if I am intimate with you.
LOL.
Wouldn't you know...NO RESPONSE.
So, TC is history. Although an attractive man....the feeling of dependent ownership scares me.
This reminds me of the other guy years ago who announced his undying love to me and his fedlity....and that we'd full around like bunnies when I was with him and going to the store...and doing other mundane tasks like emptying the garbage. The clincher to that one was when he said that he couldn't wait to share an erotic bowel movement with me!
Another story for another day.
No wonder I'm not looking.
Monday, June 08, 2015
Look Who Just Swooped In!
Greetings to all of you after a very long hiatus. I apologize for having been MIA for such a long period of time, but it has been a wacky time in my life. Some things have changed. Lots haven't. So, I'm still here and have not fallen off the face of the earth.
First and foremost, I've been preoccupied with Mom O'Lovey's deteriorating condition. She was diagnosed just over two years ago with metastatic lung cancer - stage 4 and only given a very few months to live. She has been following a holistic diet with no chemo...and she is still with us...although the cancer has spread throughout her body. She has lost a ton of weight...looks like a skin covered skeleton, but she remains a positive lighthouse in the midst of the storms of adversity.
Second, Lovey, is moving this summer an hour away from her current pastorate. In the process she is purchasing her first home and is all excited about it. Yes, we are getting along okay...and some say that she has mellowed much and is attempting to perhaps interest me in a reconciliation. I don't see it...and frankly, that ship sailed 10 years ago when she announced to me that I had made her life hell and that she wanted to divorce -- "so that I can be free to experience other relationships." Sadly that hasn't exactly happened for her...but we trudge on.
My kids are terrific. I am now a grandpa with three small grandchildren all aged 3 and below. So, I'm really having a good time being in my new role.
I'm still gay!
I'm still alone. BUT, I've readily accepted this as a part of the gay life. In the words of a good gay friend, after the age of 55, one's shelf life begins to wane and therefore, the market for men like me shrinks considerably.
I'm still working. Having a wonderful time with that. It's still a challenge and it's fun to have a wonderful staff like mine.
I have been dealing with some health problems related to my diabetes. Working on those to make them better.
I have garnered a number of new friends. Some old ones have resurfaced in my life. One or two of them have asked me why they never pursued me! LOL. I turn the question back at them and say, "Well, why didn't you?"
So life goes on.
I'm so glad that you have chose to remain with me...even though it must get time consuming and perhaps frustrating when I've been so lax at writing.
From today, I am going to work at beginning again and post more regularly. Thanks to all of you who have written comments and inquiring about when I'd be back. I do read them all...and yes, I am definitely BACK!
Stay safe.
First and foremost, I've been preoccupied with Mom O'Lovey's deteriorating condition. She was diagnosed just over two years ago with metastatic lung cancer - stage 4 and only given a very few months to live. She has been following a holistic diet with no chemo...and she is still with us...although the cancer has spread throughout her body. She has lost a ton of weight...looks like a skin covered skeleton, but she remains a positive lighthouse in the midst of the storms of adversity.
Second, Lovey, is moving this summer an hour away from her current pastorate. In the process she is purchasing her first home and is all excited about it. Yes, we are getting along okay...and some say that she has mellowed much and is attempting to perhaps interest me in a reconciliation. I don't see it...and frankly, that ship sailed 10 years ago when she announced to me that I had made her life hell and that she wanted to divorce -- "so that I can be free to experience other relationships." Sadly that hasn't exactly happened for her...but we trudge on.
My kids are terrific. I am now a grandpa with three small grandchildren all aged 3 and below. So, I'm really having a good time being in my new role.
I'm still gay!
I'm still alone. BUT, I've readily accepted this as a part of the gay life. In the words of a good gay friend, after the age of 55, one's shelf life begins to wane and therefore, the market for men like me shrinks considerably.
I'm still working. Having a wonderful time with that. It's still a challenge and it's fun to have a wonderful staff like mine.
I have been dealing with some health problems related to my diabetes. Working on those to make them better.
I have garnered a number of new friends. Some old ones have resurfaced in my life. One or two of them have asked me why they never pursued me! LOL. I turn the question back at them and say, "Well, why didn't you?"
So life goes on.
I'm so glad that you have chose to remain with me...even though it must get time consuming and perhaps frustrating when I've been so lax at writing.
From today, I am going to work at beginning again and post more regularly. Thanks to all of you who have written comments and inquiring about when I'd be back. I do read them all...and yes, I am definitely BACK!
Stay safe.
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