Loving People 2

Just a note about that post entitled Loving People. It seems that under the qualifications I have for a mate, that I forgot the one most important one: a man that I love....unconditionally......and one that loves me in return.

I kind of thought that was just an "understood" qualification....especially given the name of the post as LOVING PEOPLE.

But, I just wanted to take a moment to make that point crystal clear!

Love In The Gay World

I enjoy certain types of pornography -- not just any old type that leaves nothing to the imagination. I don't like the pictures that actually show tab A being inserted in to slot B. Those types of closeups do not do anything for me in the least. For all I know, those closeups of those body parts could be of any two of the ugliest people on earth doing the nasty.....

But I like the kind that leaves a lot to the imagination. I like the porn that leaves your heart racing....your breathing a little shallower. Why? Because the models seem to be into each other... They don't seem to be having just recreational sex for the purpose of getting off.....but they seem to be making love to each other.

I suppose this is because that I have reached a stage in my life....where I'm not looking for the thrill of hooking up. I want someone in my life that is special....with that emotional connection. The one guy that I don't have to worry about running off with the next guy he sees....or run back to the one that he just had. I want a man that is proud to be affiliated with me....and he makes it clear that he wants me.

Gay dating is weird. You meet all kinds of men. Recently I met a man who actually flirted with me. I flirted back. We talked for a long time. He told me that he was looking for someone to date. He wanted to know if I was into dating and I said yes. So he invited me to his house for a home cooked meal. He is a GREAT cook.

I thought we might get to cuddle....or just hold hands.... But upon my arrival to his house...he had out of town guests....and we had our meal with them. We then went to a movie and came back. Never heard from him again until one day several weeks later.

He was all over me.

He went to lunch with me.

He flirted again.

I walked him to his car and hugged him goodbye. But no real substantive communication since.

This has happened repeatedly.

I must attract these types. I don't think it's me that has done something wrong.

Oh who knows.

Gay men can be so fickle.....

The Intensity of Loneliness

I've spent some significant time the last little while with gay men who were, like me, once married to women, have children, and are now busily trying to find their way in a new situation as a somewhat out gay man.

They all said that they have had their moments of intense loneliness. "It's the kind of loneliness that cuts to the core of your very being," one said.

I have reflected on this comment for quite sometime since I heard its utterance.

It is very true.

I find myself going through periods of intense loneliness. It just isn't fun. It's not something that everyone can understand unless they, themselves, are going through it.

During my more lucid moments when things are alright....and I'm feeling good about myself, like right this moment as I am typing this, I have come to the conclusion that I am not ready for a full-time partner....or live in boyfriend. I think I would be open to date someone exclusively and have occasional sleepovers. But not the move-in type.

I am just not ready.

I have heard to many gay guys tell me that there is no way that two gay men can be monogamous to each other. They say that it is not good to lay the heterosexual paradigm of monogamy on top of the gay life. I have been told by so many people that this is not the norm in the gay world. Other men I have chatted with say, "Au contraire, it can happen."

So, as I have journeyed on this road to identifying potential boyfriends, I am somewhat afraid to commit to anyone. My motor just runs too hot....and I often wonder if I am good partner quality.

Tme will tell.

Perhaps I just think too much!