God knows...

I'm tired. I have a broken small toe on my right foot. The foot is totally swollen...and the toe is the right color.....the ones next to it have now inherited the bruising. So, being a diabetic, I am watching this very carefully to make sure there are no big problems that could develop.

This afternoon after work was a good one. I got to spend good quality time with a kind and loving friend who helped me to feel like I mattered. I really needed that today.

You know who you are...

It offered some comfort....and a sense of completeness that I needed. He knew it...and he knew just what to do.

My love life is still kind of in limbo. I've met a number of gentlemen who are potential bfs.... They are all so busy. It makes me feel kind of odd in that these men are so wrapped up with their lives....and their friends....that, in one's words, "I don't have time for romance."

Frustrating at best.

At Pride on Sunday, I met up with someone that I have just gotten to know during the past few months. His situation is that he has been married for a very long time. His wife knows and is supportive. In fact she went to the PRIDE festival with him. So, it was my first time to meet her. The man sets my heart aflutter....and it scares me a bit. I don't know how to read his signals. So, I'm not sure what to think. At Pride he apologized for not spending more time with me....he has had some physical limitations due to surgery earlier this week on a bum knee. But he had to leave....because he was tired. When I hugged him goodbye....he kissed me in front of his wife!

That, coupled with some other comments, has led me to wonder if he is feeling something. He has explained that his wife is wanting him to find someone and to "be happy."

So who knows? I go through very long periods of time where I don't hear from him....and then I get signals like this.

Old Frank is learning to be content in his life...and with himself. It is a very slow process. I feel the pressure a bit because of the fact that I am not getting any younger. God knows I'd like to have someone that I can have some quality time with before I get so old and decrepit that I can't enjoy him.

But, the comforting thing to me is that yes, God knows!

Y'All Are Back!!

I suppose I shouldn't have been so surprised to see interest in my blog dwindling to NOTHING over the last few months since I haven't been writing anything. As I said earlier, I decided to take a few months off because I felt like I had nothing to say and I did not want this to be a whinefest. It kind of felt like thats all I was doing: wallowing and whining about my sorry lot in life.

I'm now trying to turn this blog around to discuss more relavant issues facing single, mature gay men. After all, I have survived separation, divorce, alienation from the ex, and now I am trying to negotiate life on brand new terms....and trying to become more comfortable in gay dating and related social situations.

Since I never had real dating experiences with women other than my ex-wife, this gay male dating thing is totally foreign to me. I have had many fits and starts -- mostly fits. The one "relationship" I had last year ended badly...and resulted in the breakup of a good friendship because the "boyfriend" (really I don't even know that it was that). Let's start over. The much younger man I was dating wound up with my ex-best friend...who knew that it was ending long before I did...and knew that he was the object of the young man's affections...but did not tell me.

So, my track record has not been the greatest when it comes to matters of the heart. Since that tragic episode (and now looking back...I realize I should never have begun dating that young man to begin with...), I have had numerous "crushes" that have gone absolutely nowhere.

So when this man caught my eye....and I apparently caught his....well....it took my breath away...and I have been afraid to get my hopes up. So...y'all who are reading...will see what happens along with me.

I am so glad to see that by my numbers...y'all are back.....and that you are following the little notes I write.

Thanks for your support....

You are loved!

Jeepers...

A couple of weeks ago I had dinner with a man who said that he was looking for an old-fashioned monogamous relationship. We seemed to really hit it off very well. I thought that maybe things would develop between us...and truly had potential. We traded telephone numbers and email addresses. He is a music minister at his church.

When I did not hear from him by now while I am in WV, I sent him an email asking him what was happening. Finally this response:

"Sorry -- I've been busy and had a funeral today. You're a wonderful, fascinating, intelligent, multifaceted, attractive man. I'm not sure what you're really looking for. I got the impression you need more than one man. I'm not casting judgment by any means because I certainly do my share of free playing. I'm hoping for an old fashioned monogamous type of relationship and I don't know how that could work. Of course there are never any simple cut and dry solutions to any worthwhile goal. I also felt like if I had sex with you now, it would be like an audtion. LOL!

I was hoping for something built on attraction of mind and spirit if it were to become long term. I know -- I'm complicated, please don't think of me as an asshole. If you want, call me and we'll talk. All good wishes."

So, I wrote him back:

"Not sure where the impression of me needing multiple men came from. Especially when we discussed monoagmy and all. Sex for me is not an audition by any means. So even though I feel misunderstood since I am looking for the same thing, it is okay.

So life goes on...

Best,

Frank"

THWAAAAACK...it sort of feels like I've been hit up the side of the head by a 2X4.

I keep replaying our nice dinner and extended conversation to see what it was that I did wrong. Or what on earth I said or did that made him think that I needed more than one man! Still can't figure it out...

So roadblock 4,251! My one glimmer of a relationship just evaporated!

There has got to be a guy for me....somewhere.

Oh well, mom had her scan this morning. As of this writing, we have not heard about the results yet or given any indication as to when she can come home.

Today is my dad's 77th birthday and he is exhausted.

We all are!

Greetings All! I am Back!

Sorry it has been such a long time coming, but I have been one busy boy these last few weeks. My eldest daughter went off to The Hague, Netherlands to spend the month with her Aunt that has just moved there from Colorado. She returns tomorrow...and is thrilled beyond words to be returning to home. She has not had a super time with the Aunt, who happens to be Lovey's oldest sister. Lovey is the oldest, and this aunt is next to her in age. She means well, but comes across as selfish and grating at times. I have often quipped that she moonlighted as a part time test pilot in a broom factory to the chagrin of Lovey.

I digress.

So while the little girl has been gone, Old Dad has spent some time to himself....and actually doing some photography. One of my friends even volunteered to be my first male nude model. Don't worry, it's not those kinds of pictures. It's the kind that I have been working on and longing to do. These are actually artistic nudes. So, with his permission, I am running one here to get your feedback. He really is quite a nice guy....former military....and is struggling with his sexuality.

I have served as a friend/mentor -- nothing more. We share a passion for photography....and he really has taught me a lot and he says the same thing for me. We plan to experiment more with lighting and take some more nudes with professional lighting. So, I will see how these all turn out.

Additionally I have been dating. But then, the men I have dated all are fixated on those guys who are younger and buffer than I....so my virture remains intact.

There is, however, one man that has caught my eye....and captured my heart in the process. He has sent me some mixed messages....and I have sent him some more direct ones. But, I am not sure just where this will all lead -- if anywhere. My friends who I have discussed this all with say that I need to just lay my cards onto the table and see what his reaction is. I suppose I don't have anything to lose...and everything to gain. After all, love/attraction, etc. is a crap shoot and life is very short. Why waste time playing cat and mouse?

Right?

I just find myself feeling these incredibly strong desires to just hold him. I told one of my friends that this is not about lust...or sexual desire. Gosh, I would be happy just being able to put my arm around him and give him a squeeze....or to just hold his hand...or to just cuddle.

We will see....

Please keep your fingers crossed.

I've also included a couple of other shots of that basically sums up the theme of fall coming to Northern Virginia. Enjoy!

The Intensity of Loneliness

I've spent some significant time the last little while with gay men who were, like me, once married to women, have children, and are now busily trying to find their way in a new situation as a somewhat out gay man.

They all said that they have had their moments of intense loneliness. "It's the kind of loneliness that cuts to the core of your very being," one said.

I have reflected on this comment for quite sometime since I heard its utterance.

It is very true.

I find myself going through periods of intense loneliness. It just isn't fun. It's not something that everyone can understand unless they, themselves, are going through it.

During my more lucid moments when things are alright....and I'm feeling good about myself, like right this moment as I am typing this, I have come to the conclusion that I am not ready for a full-time partner....or live in boyfriend. I think I would be open to date someone exclusively and have occasional sleepovers. But not the move-in type.

I am just not ready.

I have heard to many gay guys tell me that there is no way that two gay men can be monogamous to each other. They say that it is not good to lay the heterosexual paradigm of monogamy on top of the gay life. I have been told by so many people that this is not the norm in the gay world. Other men I have chatted with say, "Au contraire, it can happen."

So, as I have journeyed on this road to identifying potential boyfriends, I am somewhat afraid to commit to anyone. My motor just runs too hot....and I often wonder if I am good partner quality.

Tme will tell.

Perhaps I just think too much!

Pairing Off

I am still on my soapbox about finding a mate. Sometimes I think this whole thing is going to wind up getting the best of me. I don't want to be alone in the remaining time of my life. I want to have a happy and fulfilled life -- full of love....laughter....happiness...joy. You know, all that good stuff.

This week has really been a downer in terms of my feelings of loneliness....profound sadness....and downright gloom over all this. It sounds pretty silly to all of you out there in the ether of the Internet: this 50 something year old man....who has so much to be thankful for....is sitting and pining away for a relationship. AARGH!

One of the things that tend to make me smile in a warped way...is that one of the most romantic days of the year is Valentine's Day. Many is the day that I have gone into restaurants on that wonderful occasion and seen all the couples paired off. All the folks are of different sizes, shapes, ages, etc. In some cases, I've even shook my head to say, "Wow, how did they ever hook up?" I mean, even some of the ugliest men on the earth has a babe on their arm. Or a most unattractive woman will have a hunk on hers!

Day before yesterday, I was having lunch in our cafeteria. At the same time, where I work is offering free screenings for TAMIFLU. Everyone where I work and those people that live with them can get a free prescription for this drug and will receive the drug in case of an outbreak of an epidemic.

Some of my friends brought their wives...husbands....kids.... One man in particular, who I have always believed to be gay, brought his partner in. Now, I have to tell you, my friend is very attractive. He is well built, relatively young, many attractive qualities -- not to mention an excellent job.

Then I looked at his partner.

He is not what I would have expected.

He was older and the advancing years had not been too kind.

He had lots of facial wrinkles....and just did not give himself to the same robustness that my friend has.

So, as I sat there watching them together.....I couldn't help but wonder, why can't I find someone. What's wrong with me?

I shook my head...got up and returned to my office.