Thoughts On Being Gay and Married

Frank was a busy boy this weekend. I had two dates: two honest to goodness dates with two separate and "available" men.

Friday night was a date with a very nice and gentle man that is two years younger than me. He works in the IT profession, has always been gay (no apologies), been involved with a few relationships and now he is looking for that special someone with that special spark.

Saturday night was a date with a very nice and attractive doctor who is in his late 50s. He is currently married and has been for over 30 years. The wife knows and is supportive of his finding that elusive closed loop relationship.

As I spent time with the good doctor, it was fascinating to me to hear how his past relationships with men have worked and how his wife has reacted to them.

It wasn't that long ago that I was married and looking for the same thing he is looking for with the blessing of my wife. After the divorce a number of straights told me how disingenious(?) that was and that I was wanting to "have my cake and eat it too!"

I used to hate hearing that said to me. I never felt there was any cake. It was just a way for me to survive. I wasn't out to intentionally deceive my wife....or set out to lie to her about who I was. It was just a tortured path of trying to gain insight and understanding into who I was.

The doctor and I had a long discussion. It seems like she has total control of him. If the man in her husband's life does not act or behave like she thinks he should, then he is aggressive and she isn't happy.

He had a three year releationship with such a man. His wife did not get along with the doctor's boyfriend or the boyfriend's wife because they didn't go along with some of her seemingly goofy ideas. She wanted details of her husband's and his boyfriend's romantic life. The boyfriend told her it was none of her business. The boyfriend kissed the doctor in front of her. She didn't like that and had something to say about it. The list goes on and on and on. I asked the doctor if he was affectionate with his wife in front of the boyfriend. He says no.

Why does it seem that marriage with a woman is about control?

For all the relationships he has had with men, I doubt if he has truly bee "IN LOVE" with one totally. I think he is too afraid to explore that. Oh he hurled the love word a lot in his discussion, but I just feel it wasn't the kind of love I am looking for.

While I had a reasonably good time with the doctor, his wife's control/involvement bothers me. It seems that if her husband becomes deeply involved with a man, she feels she has to keep everyone informed that SHE is the primary relationship with her man.

I've never met the woman....and at this point, I don't think that I do.

I am seeing this from a totally new perspective. I think my preference are for single gay men....whether divorced or single/never married.

I want someone that I can focus on without interference or bossiness......just as I can offer someone the same.

How much more complex can all this get?

A Glimmer

After I posted that last entry, I received an email message from the man in question. He apologized for his lack of communication. Apparently he has been dealing with the fallout from his family crisis. He wanted to assure me that I am his friend forever and that was special to him. He even said that he valued my honesty and friendship very much. He asked about my parents' medical condition.

Needless to say I do have a glimmer of hope that something may happen here. So, will keep the door definitely open.

Mom says that Dad has been doing much better. I'm not sure exactly what to attribute this to. But we will know more once the doctor contacts them to give the the results of the bloodwork and the MRI.

Still on the roller coaster...

Rejection

Ah...here we come again. A very familiar topic to those of you in Out of the Ashes land!

A gay middle aged man (GMAM#1) meets another gay middle aged man (GMAM#2). They appear to make a substantive connection. They schedule a time to meet again. After all, GMAM#2 says, he can't wait until the next time.

GMAM#1 receives a phone message the next day from GMAM#2. GMAM#2 has a family drama playing out and must attend to it. He is profusely sorry. Says that usually he is not filled with such drama. GMAM#1 texts him to say it's okay...another time. GMAM#2 asks if it is okay for him to call. GMAM#1 says sure.

GMAM#2 calls. Talks for a long while. "Can I call later?" he asks. "Sure" says GMAM#1. They hang up.

Late that night, GMAM#1 texts GMAM#2 to see if he is alright following the drama and receives a terse couple of texts in return, but yes he is okay.

From then on...silence.

I think you get the picture.

In situations like this, one has to ask himself, "What did I do wrong this time?"

This is such a routine event in my life, I have to laugh.

So what happened? I suspect that the other guy became afraid of new feelings.

This is not uncommon.

But to just suddenly go silent?

What happened to manners.

Love In The Gay World

I enjoy certain types of pornography -- not just any old type that leaves nothing to the imagination. I don't like the pictures that actually show tab A being inserted in to slot B. Those types of closeups do not do anything for me in the least. For all I know, those closeups of those body parts could be of any two of the ugliest people on earth doing the nasty.....

But I like the kind that leaves a lot to the imagination. I like the porn that leaves your heart racing....your breathing a little shallower. Why? Because the models seem to be into each other... They don't seem to be having just recreational sex for the purpose of getting off.....but they seem to be making love to each other.

I suppose this is because that I have reached a stage in my life....where I'm not looking for the thrill of hooking up. I want someone in my life that is special....with that emotional connection. The one guy that I don't have to worry about running off with the next guy he sees....or run back to the one that he just had. I want a man that is proud to be affiliated with me....and he makes it clear that he wants me.

Gay dating is weird. You meet all kinds of men. Recently I met a man who actually flirted with me. I flirted back. We talked for a long time. He told me that he was looking for someone to date. He wanted to know if I was into dating and I said yes. So he invited me to his house for a home cooked meal. He is a GREAT cook.

I thought we might get to cuddle....or just hold hands.... But upon my arrival to his house...he had out of town guests....and we had our meal with them. We then went to a movie and came back. Never heard from him again until one day several weeks later.

He was all over me.

He went to lunch with me.

He flirted again.

I walked him to his car and hugged him goodbye. But no real substantive communication since.

This has happened repeatedly.

I must attract these types. I don't think it's me that has done something wrong.

Oh who knows.

Gay men can be so fickle.....

Jeepers...

A couple of weeks ago I had dinner with a man who said that he was looking for an old-fashioned monogamous relationship. We seemed to really hit it off very well. I thought that maybe things would develop between us...and truly had potential. We traded telephone numbers and email addresses. He is a music minister at his church.

When I did not hear from him by now while I am in WV, I sent him an email asking him what was happening. Finally this response:

"Sorry -- I've been busy and had a funeral today. You're a wonderful, fascinating, intelligent, multifaceted, attractive man. I'm not sure what you're really looking for. I got the impression you need more than one man. I'm not casting judgment by any means because I certainly do my share of free playing. I'm hoping for an old fashioned monogamous type of relationship and I don't know how that could work. Of course there are never any simple cut and dry solutions to any worthwhile goal. I also felt like if I had sex with you now, it would be like an audtion. LOL!

I was hoping for something built on attraction of mind and spirit if it were to become long term. I know -- I'm complicated, please don't think of me as an asshole. If you want, call me and we'll talk. All good wishes."

So, I wrote him back:

"Not sure where the impression of me needing multiple men came from. Especially when we discussed monoagmy and all. Sex for me is not an audition by any means. So even though I feel misunderstood since I am looking for the same thing, it is okay.

So life goes on...

Best,

Frank"

THWAAAAACK...it sort of feels like I've been hit up the side of the head by a 2X4.

I keep replaying our nice dinner and extended conversation to see what it was that I did wrong. Or what on earth I said or did that made him think that I needed more than one man! Still can't figure it out...

So roadblock 4,251! My one glimmer of a relationship just evaporated!

There has got to be a guy for me....somewhere.

Oh well, mom had her scan this morning. As of this writing, we have not heard about the results yet or given any indication as to when she can come home.

Today is my dad's 77th birthday and he is exhausted.

We all are!

Greetings All! I am Back!

Sorry it has been such a long time coming, but I have been one busy boy these last few weeks. My eldest daughter went off to The Hague, Netherlands to spend the month with her Aunt that has just moved there from Colorado. She returns tomorrow...and is thrilled beyond words to be returning to home. She has not had a super time with the Aunt, who happens to be Lovey's oldest sister. Lovey is the oldest, and this aunt is next to her in age. She means well, but comes across as selfish and grating at times. I have often quipped that she moonlighted as a part time test pilot in a broom factory to the chagrin of Lovey.

I digress.

So while the little girl has been gone, Old Dad has spent some time to himself....and actually doing some photography. One of my friends even volunteered to be my first male nude model. Don't worry, it's not those kinds of pictures. It's the kind that I have been working on and longing to do. These are actually artistic nudes. So, with his permission, I am running one here to get your feedback. He really is quite a nice guy....former military....and is struggling with his sexuality.

I have served as a friend/mentor -- nothing more. We share a passion for photography....and he really has taught me a lot and he says the same thing for me. We plan to experiment more with lighting and take some more nudes with professional lighting. So, I will see how these all turn out.

Additionally I have been dating. But then, the men I have dated all are fixated on those guys who are younger and buffer than I....so my virture remains intact.

There is, however, one man that has caught my eye....and captured my heart in the process. He has sent me some mixed messages....and I have sent him some more direct ones. But, I am not sure just where this will all lead -- if anywhere. My friends who I have discussed this all with say that I need to just lay my cards onto the table and see what his reaction is. I suppose I don't have anything to lose...and everything to gain. After all, love/attraction, etc. is a crap shoot and life is very short. Why waste time playing cat and mouse?

Right?

I just find myself feeling these incredibly strong desires to just hold him. I told one of my friends that this is not about lust...or sexual desire. Gosh, I would be happy just being able to put my arm around him and give him a squeeze....or to just hold his hand...or to just cuddle.

We will see....

Please keep your fingers crossed.

I've also included a couple of other shots of that basically sums up the theme of fall coming to Northern Virginia. Enjoy!

Bummer!

I have finally arrived home following a very full day at the office and then having to rush off to a board of directors meeting for my homeowners association. I am the secretary -- a position I have held since 1995.

Perhaps it is me being tired -- overly so. But I'm a bit blue tonight.

Jim did not call or email me today.

And I have observed some of the people in my sphere who have partnered up. I'm feeling very much like the fifth wheel. I look at them and I wonder what is wrong with me. I would love to have someone in my life...but it ain't happening.

So I don't know.

It ain't good feeling this way.

The Intensity of Loneliness

I've spent some significant time the last little while with gay men who were, like me, once married to women, have children, and are now busily trying to find their way in a new situation as a somewhat out gay man.

They all said that they have had their moments of intense loneliness. "It's the kind of loneliness that cuts to the core of your very being," one said.

I have reflected on this comment for quite sometime since I heard its utterance.

It is very true.

I find myself going through periods of intense loneliness. It just isn't fun. It's not something that everyone can understand unless they, themselves, are going through it.

During my more lucid moments when things are alright....and I'm feeling good about myself, like right this moment as I am typing this, I have come to the conclusion that I am not ready for a full-time partner....or live in boyfriend. I think I would be open to date someone exclusively and have occasional sleepovers. But not the move-in type.

I am just not ready.

I have heard to many gay guys tell me that there is no way that two gay men can be monogamous to each other. They say that it is not good to lay the heterosexual paradigm of monogamy on top of the gay life. I have been told by so many people that this is not the norm in the gay world. Other men I have chatted with say, "Au contraire, it can happen."

So, as I have journeyed on this road to identifying potential boyfriends, I am somewhat afraid to commit to anyone. My motor just runs too hot....and I often wonder if I am good partner quality.

Tme will tell.

Perhaps I just think too much!

Pairing Off

I am still on my soapbox about finding a mate. Sometimes I think this whole thing is going to wind up getting the best of me. I don't want to be alone in the remaining time of my life. I want to have a happy and fulfilled life -- full of love....laughter....happiness...joy. You know, all that good stuff.

This week has really been a downer in terms of my feelings of loneliness....profound sadness....and downright gloom over all this. It sounds pretty silly to all of you out there in the ether of the Internet: this 50 something year old man....who has so much to be thankful for....is sitting and pining away for a relationship. AARGH!

One of the things that tend to make me smile in a warped way...is that one of the most romantic days of the year is Valentine's Day. Many is the day that I have gone into restaurants on that wonderful occasion and seen all the couples paired off. All the folks are of different sizes, shapes, ages, etc. In some cases, I've even shook my head to say, "Wow, how did they ever hook up?" I mean, even some of the ugliest men on the earth has a babe on their arm. Or a most unattractive woman will have a hunk on hers!

Day before yesterday, I was having lunch in our cafeteria. At the same time, where I work is offering free screenings for TAMIFLU. Everyone where I work and those people that live with them can get a free prescription for this drug and will receive the drug in case of an outbreak of an epidemic.

Some of my friends brought their wives...husbands....kids.... One man in particular, who I have always believed to be gay, brought his partner in. Now, I have to tell you, my friend is very attractive. He is well built, relatively young, many attractive qualities -- not to mention an excellent job.

Then I looked at his partner.

He is not what I would have expected.

He was older and the advancing years had not been too kind.

He had lots of facial wrinkles....and just did not give himself to the same robustness that my friend has.

So, as I sat there watching them together.....I couldn't help but wonder, why can't I find someone. What's wrong with me?

I shook my head...got up and returned to my office.

More Pondrances on an OLD Theme

Here I go again...

Please don't lecture me....and please don't accuse me of "whining"... I'm just processing thoughts as I write this. So bear with me...please?

If this isn't your "cup of tea," then by all means, navigate from this blog and go some place else for today.

I am exceedingly Lonely. Note the capital L.

Yup.

We're back at that theme again.

And, I'm not alone in this. I have tons of gay friends who are in my age range, who feel the same way. They find that the further they slip over the age of 50, in the gay world, it's practically curtains. You might as well find the pretty box and close the lid and get buried.

It's over.

Finito!

I have joined a number of dating sites. Most people just pass on by my profile. It gets traffic...but I never hear from anyone. When I look at the guys who have viewed my profile...some are really eye catching...so I complete an "Ice breaker"...only to have them appear like a neanderthal in their responses with one word grunts.

Some of the guys in my age are only interested in people 27 and a half to 32.4. Other guys are only interested in guys up to 45. Still others are only interested in those guys who are "built"...clearly I don't fall into that category. Or they want someone who is athletically inclined....clearly not me.

I have met some interesting and eligible men through mutual friends...but I freeze. I am so timid and shy. I know I must seem like a dork.

Other men that I have been out with seem way too picky for my tastes. They get all upset because a child cries in a public restaurant...blah...blah.

Then there are those who do express an interest. Like the guy who began stalking me....and telling me how he wanted to be so close to me that he wanted me to go everywhere with him. He wanted to be able to inhale my morning breath and other odors. The thing that took the cake was when he said that he wanted me to share erotic bowel movements with me...IN THE SHOWER -- "our logs of love mingling together."

I kid you not!

Then there are the men who are amputees....the ones in wheelchairs.....the ones who have been diagnosed as bi-polar, but are good about staying on their meds....the ones who weigh 500 pounds.....the ones who want to be referred to as Amanda.....

It's tough being gay.

It's tough being an average, run-of-the-mill, 50something, divorced, lonely, white, gay man.

At times, I want to burn my gay membership card.....ditch the decoder ring....forget the secret handshake....and go live on a mountaintop.

But here I am.

Still hoping to meet that one-in-a-million man. The one that is just a normal man. One with normal needs. Normal dreams. Normal wants.

Someone to grow old with. Someone to share my life with -- the ups and the downs -- the losses and the gains -- the good and the bad...

But honestly, I don't know if this is going to happen.

About 3 weeks ago I met a wonderful man at a party I was invited to. He and I have absolutely nothing in common. He's blue collar....I'm a government executive. He likes drinking with his buddies....I don't drink.

He doesn't go to church....I do and am quite active.

He also identifies as straight...I'm gay. And he keeps telling everyone how straight he is....including me. "I don't want you to get your hopes up," he keeps saying. Those of us who know him thinks he is dealing with this issue and is scared by it.

I saw him at a cookout the following week...and he followed me like a puppy dog. Wherever I sat...he moved to be near me. When I went to stand by the grill at the other end of the deck, he found a reason to come stand by me. When everyone else went inside to see something that the host had recently gotten, I decided to stay out on the deck. Guess who stayed with me? He did.

At the end of the evening. He gave me a very long bear hug.

The host told me that she had never seen him act that way with anyone. She asked me what we had in common..and I said..."Nothing...absolutely nothing." I went on. "But you know...opposites attract and he seems to be the type of person who has never been loved and cared for unconditionally. I could do that for him!"

And I could.

But, I'm not going to pursue this. It could be a trainwreck in disguise.

So I watch...and wait.

Surely there is a man....a good man.....looking for me.

Some VERY Good News

Heard from my friend Lily today. Her scan yesterday revealed that the cancer has not spread....and so once the organ is removed, she will be in tip-top shape and should be able to come back to work within the next 2-3 weeks. YIPPEE. This is a tremendous answer to our prayers. Thank you friends for remembering her.

********

So far this weekend has been pretty good. I have spent some quality time with my daughter. I've spoken to my other daughter from Nashville who has made the journey to West Virginia to visit her grandparents. They were so pleasantly pleased that she joined them. I am glad she did this.

My son, on the other hand is in limbo. He had announced great plans to marry a woman from Georgia this week...but it looks like that this is off for now. I'm am very relieved about this. He needs to just chill and get to know her a little better before he goes off and marries her.

WHEW.

Other than this, I have had a basically uneventful week. It has been very busy. But thank goodness for weekends.

In other news, I have been dating.

Yup dating.

I am not sure where it will all lead....but at least I am putting myself out there to meet guys....and spend time with them. Please note that this does not mean that I have been getting them between the sheets.....as a matter of fact, I have not done that at all with any of my prospective beaus.

But I must say, it has been good to be in the presence of some very charming men.

I am taking my time....and getting to know them. Who knows? One of them could turn out to be my husband!

Stay tuned....and keep that happy energy flowing in my direction!

More later.