Spring Is Finally Here

It has been a very long and cold winter. I thought I was going to die during all those back-to-back snowstorms. I am just glad it is all over.

I am determined to enjoy the longer day light hours and the warmer temperatures.

And you know something? I want to have a lot of fun and enjoyment this summer. No drama. No sadness. No worry.

Mother is doing fine. She is still in remission...and is determined to work on her strength and stamina by walking more and more with her new hip.... I am amazed by her steady recovery from the massive stroke at Christmas. She is virtually healed...and is doing GREAT! I am so thankful.

Dad has his final chemo treatment this week. It appears that he will now be in remission. So all we have to do with him is to have his weight to pick back up...and get his stamina going as well.

WHAT ABOUT ME?

You may be wondering how I'm doing.

I think I am doing pretty well. I can hardly believe that it has been nearly five years since Lovey dropped the bomb that changed my life. We are at the three year mark almost since the divorce was final.

These years since have been times of great discovery for me. I learned to rely on me...solely. I've worked at getting to know me better. I've also worked at being a better dad....and a better person in general.

Those of you who read me faithfully will remember that there was a time when I felt that I had no friends. In essence this is the case. I woke up one morning and realized I had been stripped of all the marital friendships I had......I lost all the church friends I had when Lovey outted me as the "husband from hell"... So I had to just reach out all over again and learn to make new friends.

God has blessed these efforts. I mean, I have heard from a number of you through this blog. Personally I have expanded my network of frendships....such that I have just approved my 424th friend on my FACEBOOK page.

Life is just good...

The Intensity of Loneliness

I've spent some significant time the last little while with gay men who were, like me, once married to women, have children, and are now busily trying to find their way in a new situation as a somewhat out gay man.

They all said that they have had their moments of intense loneliness. "It's the kind of loneliness that cuts to the core of your very being," one said.

I have reflected on this comment for quite sometime since I heard its utterance.

It is very true.

I find myself going through periods of intense loneliness. It just isn't fun. It's not something that everyone can understand unless they, themselves, are going through it.

During my more lucid moments when things are alright....and I'm feeling good about myself, like right this moment as I am typing this, I have come to the conclusion that I am not ready for a full-time partner....or live in boyfriend. I think I would be open to date someone exclusively and have occasional sleepovers. But not the move-in type.

I am just not ready.

I have heard to many gay guys tell me that there is no way that two gay men can be monogamous to each other. They say that it is not good to lay the heterosexual paradigm of monogamy on top of the gay life. I have been told by so many people that this is not the norm in the gay world. Other men I have chatted with say, "Au contraire, it can happen."

So, as I have journeyed on this road to identifying potential boyfriends, I am somewhat afraid to commit to anyone. My motor just runs too hot....and I often wonder if I am good partner quality.

Tme will tell.

Perhaps I just think too much!