An Awakening...

Monday afternoon I got sick.

Really sick.

So sick in fact that I was almost afraid to drive myself home.

I can probably count on one hand the number of times that I have felt as bad as I did Monday. I had chills. My joints ached. My stomach hurt and on top of all this, my weak shoulder was also giving me fits. It ached like an oversized toothache.

So, I went home around 1:30….took a hot bath and relaxed in the tub. My joints loved me for that. I took some advil…..some muscle relaxers and I was gone for the rest of the day, the night, and most of the following day.

I woke up close to noon – still feeling like I had been run over by several freight trains and dump truck.

My dog, Davy, stayed right beside me the whole time. It was like he sensed that something was wrong. He curled up into a tight little ball and got right next to me. I suppose he was telling me in his own little way that he was there for me.

But it did raise the specter of my having to develop a better support system. I suppose as a single man, I need to have a network of people who check in with me at a set time every day to make sure I’m okay.

On Monday I was so sick I was a bit frightened. Yes, a 49-year-old man can get frightened about such things. I was the poster child for being frightened about this.

This is the first time I’ve gotten sick since I have been alone. Always before I’ve had a family member within earshot.

But this time, I didn’t. This time I had to make my own decisions about how to treat my symptoms. How to take care of my back and my stomach.

I returned to the office today, a bit tired. I visited my stomach doctor before coming in. He was very confident that I had a stomach virus…one of the nasty ones that are floating around now. He says my colon ecology could be messed up from the colonoscopy, so he suggested some items to help get things back in balance. So we’ll see.

Could it have been that the impending health problem was the reason for my period of black sadness this past weekend? Although I have a problem with loneliness and with being alone, generally I can handle all that. This time, I felt like I were being pulled into a black hole that was way beyond my control.

It was scary.

I think my physical illness was beginning to manifest itself then.

Now, at least, I’m able to deal with the overall loneliness without feeling the need to burst into tears.

I need to be mindful of all these issues and take appropriate action for future episodes.

First, I need to establish a buddy system with those in my sphere of influence who will check in with me on a daily basis to see if I am okay.

Second, I need take better care of myself physically by eating well, resting well and getting plenty of exercise.

Third, I need to monitor everything going on. If it overwhelms me…or I feel myself being sucked under…then I need to get help.

There is no crime in seeking help. The crime is when you need help, don’t get it and something bad happens.

We don’t ever want that to happen.

EVER!

Upheaval

It's dawn....

Spring is in the air. Birds are chirping and the pollen is billowing. Everywhere!

I'm glad that this weekend is OVER. It felt as though I might go under this time.

I spoke with the girls several times this weekend. They always buoy my spirits -- regardless how low I get. I feel they are there for me.

Oh, I didn't go into any detail about how bad I was feeling. I camouflage pretty well. But I did level with #2 somewhat after the fact. I told her that I was overcome by sadness. I won't call it depression. It was profound sadness that had me this weekend...and there is a difference.

At this time in my life, I detest being alone. I'm used to the noise a family makes. I'm used to the petty arguments of children. I'm used to the fights and strong discussions I used to have with Lovey when I was asserting my boundaries.

None of that now.

Just the snoring dog beside me.

The birds chiping and the rustling the neighbors make as they begin their morning rituals and head out for the day.

Will this never end?

I'm so tired of this drama. Folks have warned me for the final upheaval...the way I will feel when all is said and done. I'm nearing that point now.....and from the looks of it....

it's going to be a doozy.

On Being Gay

I've been gay for as long as I can remember.

Yet, for the longest time I refused to say the words, "I am Gay."

It's as if that as long as I kept those thoughts to myself, I cold tell myself that it was only a thought. I could be wrong. I could change.

But beginning in 1997 I realized that I had to learn to accept me. I had to realize that I wasn't going to just change. Sexuality is a core part of your life. It can't be changed.

So, why did I get married?

Well, I was told by a well meaning minister that every man has these feelings but that it takes a good hot roll in bed with a woman that serves as the "master reset button" that puts a man on "the right path."

I believed him.

I felt it was God's will to marry Lovey. I gladly did it.

Because of the love I had for her. Yet, my efforts were not enough.

Lovey wanted a divorce....and she's getting it.

But why is it that folks have to assign blame? Why do they feel it's the man's fault? Or that the men were "using" their wives as a cover...as a beard....so that they can appear straight.

In my case, Lovey has played the martyr. "Frank's gay," she would intone when quizzed as to why she would dump such a nice guy...after 25 years. "He made my life hell. I'm so raw inside."

But what she has never bothered to tell them is that it was never a secret to her. I confided in her on our first anniversary....24 years ago! She knew....my struggles.....she knew my feelings.....she knew my thoughts of suicide. Yet, she was the victim....she was "lied" to.

She tells this story and people believe her. I suppose that's what really bothers me the most. People believe her. They don't try to find out my side of the story. They don't care to know what Frank the Fag has been through.

Being gay is not easy. Lots of guys know this and they aren't trying to mislead anybody. They're just trying to come to terms with this. They are just trying to be good husbands in spite of it. They're just trying to figure it all out.

I'm lucky....I've come to terms with my gayness...... It's just that I'm trying to figure what all this means for the rest of my life. Many have said for me to look at this season of life as new beginning. This is so much easier to say than to do.

How do I begin this new life?

Is there a defining starting point?

Gosh this hard.

The Death of a Dream

I don't know what that was all about yesterday. Today I'm some better, but a bit wiped out by it all.

Went to church and was surrounded by all my other queer brothers and sisters. I can't begin to explain the affirmation I receive when I'm in a group of people that knows all about me.....and they actually like me. They really like me....for being me. I don't have to hide. I also don't feel like a piece of "new" meat either. The guys are loving and gentle and kind. I feel that I can be real.

For the first time in my life.

GENUINE.

A bit overhwelming.

I went forward for communion today alone. The ministerial intern took her time.....and prayed for me in a way that I have never been prayed for before.

It was so profound....so personal....that I tear up when I think of it. I can't even share it with you, dear readers. But the message from her heart was sent by God. It was Him....at work.....and letting me know that I'm okay...and on the right path.

Another dear lady came up to me after church......hugged me....and asked if I were okay. She then gave me a bear hug and said, "We love you Frank. You're in the right place."

I had to leave and catch my breath. You see, I am such a sensitive man these days. It's as if someone looks at me funny I will tear up.

Where is all this internal emotion coming from? The sensitivity....the tears.....they pour by the gallons...down my cheeks......down my nose......during church.......in the car during rush hour.......in the garage at my office......behind the closed door of my office......as I walk at lunch time......EVERYWHERE!

I thinik this is the last gasp of emotion I have concerniong the demise of the awful relationship with LOVEY. I remember the wedding so vividly....the white tux.....the lace.....the excitement of a new life......the feelings of wholeness...completeness..... They've all died......and I'm mourning their loss.

And you know something? I have to go through all this. There's no detour....no bypass.....nothing to numb the pain. I just have to live with it. Process it.

You see, I don't want to "patch it up"...or have our relationship be renewed. I don't want anything from her.

I just want it over.

I want to move on.....move past the pain......

Be happy.

Live contentedly and quietly.

I need some successes. I need some good things to happen for me.

I need to take care of me.....big time. Not just endure me.

Dreams die hard.

Here come the tears again.

A Bad Day

Today has not been a good day.

I'm not sure why it has been such, but it hit me all at once mid-morning like a cold slap in the face. It settled in to the bone.

So, I showered, got dressed and took my camera and headed into Washington to photograph the tulips and the monuments. I even got to the new Air Force Memorial....and I took my time. It was a beautiful day and as you can see from photographs here, they came out beautifully.

I left and drove to lunch and then headed home.

But then, getting home the cold sadness began to settle in for the long haul.

I hurried out back and got out the lawnmower, mowed my front yard. I cleaned up the clippings and was tired. So, then I went upstairs and crashed beside my dog. I slept for two hours....and then woke up, but the sadness still clung to me like a London Fog.

I don't know why this is. I should be happy. I should be carefree. I should be looking forwrd to my new life. I should be enjoying my freedom as a gay man.

But today, being gay feels like weight around my neck....pulling me into an inescapable abyss.

Unless you're gay, you'll never understand the abyss. You'll never understand its alluring pull.

Tomorrow will be another day.

We Have Growth!

I have been a very busy guy these past few days. I’ve only been able to “think” about this blog rather than contribute anything.

My life continues to have its little dramas. However, I seem to be dealing with all of them. When I compare the Frank of today with that guy who started this blog, I can see 1000% growth.

Growth means I’m alive. Growth sometimes is painful. My one consolation is that only living things grow.

So, I’m definitely headed into the right direction.

Day before yesterday I was commissioned to take some photographs for a university in Washington. At day’s end I was able to give them 473 shots. I’ve not gotten any feedback from them, which I think is good news. They have secured my services for commencement in early May. So, I’m having fun doing that.

An interesting thing occurred that day while I was running around. I was in the chapel taking photographs during a special service when I looked up and saw Lovey seated several rows ahead of me.

It took my breath away.

I sat and observed her. Having spent a significant period of time with her as her husband, I can read her pretty well. When she is under stress she exhibits a unique breathing problem that cause her to gasp periodically and take a deep breath. We’ve had it checked on numerous occasions and the doctor can offer no solutions.

But, still it happens.

And on Tuesday, it was happening.

A whole lot.

Her whole appearance was surprising. Something is happening.

But I can’t really ask…..or talk to anyone about my concerns. All I know to do is to observe and to pray for her.

As I was circulating and take pictures, I did run into her one time. We nodded our acknowledgment to each other. No conversation…no words were spoken.

But when I first saw her…..a physiological event took place. My problem shoulder knotted up……my stomach hurt………and my right leg began to tremble.

Not in a good way.

My internist said that this was all due to my stress at seeing her. “This is what you felt like all the time Frank, when you were living with her,” she said. “The reason it affected you so profoundly now is that you have a quiet and peaceful life without her. You now see clearly the negative effect she had on you!”

Yes, I’m definitely seeing how much better living can be without Lovey in my life 24/7.

The Mystery That Is Lovey

Well, y'all.

I have a sense that all is not well in the land of Lovey. I can't seem to get away from it and it was confirmed by a flurry of email traffic that I received last Friday from her. I'm going to run the key passages here for you all to see. Then, let me know what you think. I'd be curious of your reads. This is a long post....because I've included so much....

I sense some things brewing here....and I'm not about to ask. After all, her issues are really none of my business. But still, knowing her as I do, and her use of the cryptic comments have me a twinge concerned. Here are the passages.

ME: I got the draft documents for the final decree in the mail yesterday. In the process of reviewing them. Just a reminder about the Vanguard account....see item Didn't want this to slip through the cracks. Also, I'd really like to have the lead crystal cross that I got at the men's retreat in 2004. Could you drop it off at your mom's the next time you're in? Many thanks.

HER: Thanks for the note. I am glad for the reminder about the Vanguard account - I will go ahead and take care of it once I am certain that have approved of the final documents. I will gladly bring the cross to you - I didn't remember where it had come from or whose it was. Is there anything else you can think of that I might have that you want? Also, do you think that after things have settled a bit, we might be able to get together and go through some of our boxes of photographs? (They may be in your possession, but I do consider them to be "ours".) Most of the time, we got duplicate sets of photos, so sharing them should not present a problem. I do want to make a scrapbook for each of our children at some point in time, and perhaps you'd like to help on that project (you could do some of the writing, incorporating the great letters you wrote while the girls were still in utero, I think). I think you have the letters there somewhere. Thanks, Frank.

ME: As my life settles, I do plan to scan all the photographs into one centralized location and merge them with the 15,000 or so digital images I have accumulated since 1998. Keep in mind that a lot of the duplicates we had were shared with other family members at the time....so your mother may have a lot of them already.....as does my parents. I also will provide you copies of any of the discs with the images so that you will have a full set of the entire library. I also plan to give sets of them to each of the kids. Currently I am working to transfer our collection of videotapes to DVD and will be glad to make copies for you of those as well. So, I have been quite busy. BTW...I've heard that I make you uncomfortable at family events. I'm sorry about this and it isn't and has never been my intent. I wish you nothing but the best in your new life. So at some point after things settle some....and we both continue to heal, I'd like to have a heart to heart talk about where we go from here..... If I make you and your family uncomfortable then I can back away. I just need to know the rules and/or the boundaries for future interractions with you or them, if any. Thanks.

HER: I would appreciate having a copy of any of the family footage you transfer. I am so sorry that #2(well meaning though she was) said anything to you about my discomfort. She caught me off-guard when she was home last and assumed that you would be coming to dinner with her to Mom's. It was not so much that I minded you joining us for diinner, but I wanted and needed some one-on-one time with #2, and I really didn't get it. I also want to be free to just be myself when I'm home, and I don't want to feel on edge or anticipate a comment I might not welcome at this time. I'm hyper-sensitive right now and feel raw and vulnerable - and I did not expect to at this point. I thought I would further along in the healing process, but I guess I'm not. Somewhere down the line, we'll talk. Meanwhile, let's just leave things as they have been. Thanks.

ME: Consider the video footage to be yours....just give me some time to get it together. #2 said nothing..... The comment about your discomfort came from #1 about a year ago....which took me by surprise. I guess I don't understand your comment about not feeling free to be yourself around your family when I'm present. After all, I've known you and the usual suspects for over 25 years. It seems to me that your comfortability should be greatly increased. But, then, what do I know? Going forward you know how to find me....While I have you....I was somewhat surprised by your decision to revert back to your maiden name given your email to me saying otherwise. I know it's none of my business.....but it seems like such a hassle to go through given everything else. I mean....your driver's license......your diploma.......blah...blah. ICK! I'm just glad I don't have to do anything like that.

HER: I'm much more of an introvert than I ever thought. It took me about 5 times as long to make a salad dressing at Easter (at Mom's) than it does at home - too many people interacting at the same time - it really about got to me. I do not plan to go back to my maiden name - it's just an option that I have and the permission comes with the final decree, but I don't have to take it. It's too much hassle (as you correctly pointed out), and besides, everyone knows me as Lovey, so I don't feel the need to change it. It' a good name, after all. If the comment about "my discomfort" came about a year ago, why did you just now raise it? Just curious. I can't explain why I feel the way I do, Frank. Sometimes it depends on what day it is. This is my issue, not yours. Don't try to read anything into it -I can't even do that. I'm glad you don't have to consider things like name changes and so forth -it's hard to even think about such things.

ME: The reason I brought up the discomfort issue is twofold: 1) It bothered me a lot and has continued to bother me all this time to the point of festering a bit and I'm working at relieving stressers and junk that festers me.....and 2)That dinner that we shared with #2 was the capstone.... I could sense your discomfort then. It's why I stayed to myself a lot....or spent time outside grilling. To be totally honest here....this is why when you and I are together these days, I generally don't speak unless spoken to.....for fear of upsetting you. This is also the reason I have turned down a number of invitations for the same reason -- I just couldn't see having fun or enjoying your family at your expense...plain and simple. I'm playing it low profile these days.......awaiting some direction as to what rules I need to play by. I want folks to be glad to see me -- not all tense or bent out of shape.
Life is just too short for such stress!

HER: It's good to bring up things before they fester, I do agree. I really wasn't so stressed with you at Mom's when #2 was in - I was just kind of tense in general, and it's a combination of things, but you are not to blame for it. Like I said, this is my issue, and I'm working on it. I think time will help.

ME: I took a course this week at the office that has been quite valuable to my professional development and personal development. I've already had several AWESOME experiences using the techniques offered. It's called "CRUCIAL COMMUNICATIONS." Very good course. I highly recommend the book. It has helped me to face down some festering-type issues....like this one. So, the best way is to confront it head on.....address it....and move on. Holding onto all this for a year has taken its toll....and so, I just decided to deal with it. Life can be just too much fun to allow stuff like this make it a wreck or a living hell. So, that's why I decided to raise the issue with you.

HER: I'm so sorry you held it in for a year. I too know what that's like on so many fronts - very unhealthy!

So, I have decided to "lay low" for a while. I'm not going to throw myself at her mother, even though she lives just down the block. I'm not going to push communications beyond what they are now. Besides, there is another man at Mom O'Lovey's table these days. His car is always there. And when Lovey is there, they are seated together. I think Mom O'Lovey is trying to push things a bit. But again, it's none of my business...and it is okay.

I'm just going to live my life and enjoy it and the peace and overall contentment that seem to be settling in at my house.

It's a GREAT feeling.

The Mysteries Keep on Coming

On my way back home from spending Easter with my parents and daughter, I stopped by one of my favorite places in Virginia. It's an old covered bridge. I thought I'd include it here for your enjoyment. I love taking photographs. Hopefully one day I will be able to do this full time as a pro. In the meantime I am just a serious enthusiast.

I'm also including one of my favorite shots of the Cherry Blossoms here last week that I took. Enjoy!

I long for the day that my life settles down into some little boring and humdrum existence.

I really mean this.

All the drama and excitement of keeping Lovey off my back......awaiting the separation agreement.....and now the final divorce documents.......well, they're just a bit more excitement than I know what to do with.

So hopefully, one day, in the not too distant future, I will go about my life....happily.....peacefully......with no cares in the world. And all this sadness, gloom, whining and depression will be just a blur.

The separation agreement was signed in March. Shortly thereafter, I received documentation showing that Lovey was filing for divorce, and wanted to revert to her maiden name. This was a bit of a surprise since she had made such a big deal about wanting to retain the family surname because of our children.

When #2 came for her visit two weeks ago, she told me that her mother said that she planned to retain my surname after all.

I really don't care one way or the other....it's just the incessant vaccilation that drives me nuts.

Today I received a thick packet of information from my attorney. I have drafts of the final document. My attorney has found a few little problems, and will make those changes. They shouldn't take but just a little while to do.

I got a copy of the deposition that Lovey and her mother completed. I was amazed to learn that Lovey had lived in Virginia for 20 years......and I had lived here only 15 years.

For the life of me, I don't know what I was doing during those missing 5 years!

In the deposition, Lovey and her mother both state that Lovey wants her maiden name.

The documents in the package also have the official certification for the name change too.

So, we're back to changing our name again.

I need to pass the documents along to #2 so she can see that I am not crazy....and that contrary to what she was told by her mom, Lovey will be reverting back to her maiden name.

Debbie

Debbie’s funeral is scheduled for Thursday afternoon at 2pm in my hometown. No visitation is scheduled. I won’t be going there, simply because of work commitments…and the fact that I just got home from spending a number of days there.

She was my dad’s eldest brother’s baby girl. Those of you out there with baby girls know that they are special – regardless of the predicaments they find themselves in in later life. This is true if they become drug addicts, prostitutes, or in Debbie’s case, an alcoholic.

My fondest memory of Debbie is when we were all kids. I was about 5 or 6…..she was about 5 years older than me. So, she was about 10 at the time and lived on a street called Overlook Drive. One of my dad’s other brothers also lived on the same street….and on this particular day, we had gone to visit them. As I was playing on their front porch, I remember Debbie walking on the sidewalk across the street. She was headed to her house with a couple of her girl friends.

They were laughing and talking.

I can still see them in my mind’s eye.

Debbie saw me and came across the street to say hello. It was then I noticed the big wad of bubble gum she had in her mouth. Between words or giggles, she’d blow a bubble. I was fascinated. I hadn’t seen gum like that before.

She demonstrated her bubble blowing talent…..blowing the biggest bubbles I had ever seen…..only to have them explode on her face…..and she would begin to fall out in laughter as she would peel the gum from her face….stuff it back into her mouth and do it all over again.

When she saw my interest….she gave me a piece of BAZOOKA gum…..and tried to teach me how to blow bubbles.

Ah….I tried….and I tried….but for the life of me, I just couldn’t do it that day.

She told me to keep practicing and she hugged me goodbye and bouned down the steps….and started skipping down the street on one leg…..following a hopscotch pattern that someone had left on the sidewalk.

And she was gone!

Over the years we both grew up…..she was married and divorced twice….tons of personal problems……no kids. And, sadly, she fell into alcoholism. Severe alcoholism. This is a problem that many in my family have had to face. Thankfully, I”ve not had to face it.

She kept to herself…..I didn’t see her very many more times……but I thought about her ….a lot. I prayed for her. I wish I could/would have done more.

Not long ago, I ran across some very old film footage that I had transferred to video.. There she was….young….full of life….smiling….and …there it was….that laughing face. I’m glad I have that to look at.

Sadly, she’s gone.

Easter Reflections

It was a great weekend….getting to spend it with my parents and #2 from Nashville.

She and I went to a large church for Easter Sunday Morning services.

While there I pondered why it is that people come to church just once a year on Easter or Christimas? Why bother?

The reason I ask is that in front of us on Sunday morning…….there was a whole row of people. Obviously they were all related. There was mommy and daddy, with little boy……and newborn girl. Alongside mommy were mommy’s parents……alongside daddy were daddy’s parents.

When number 2 and I took our places behind this happy family, Little Boy’s face was jammed up against mommy’s mother’s face. He looked as if he could be in pain the way his face was contorted. Mommy had newborn girl in her arms. The newborn girl had on a little pink Easter dress, little socks……and a tastefully matching head band. As mommy watched the little baby, daddy’s mommy took the baby.

The baby was rocked……the baby was jiggled…….daddy’s dad kept talking to the baby…….and making baby noises……baby girgled….. Then, Mommy’s mommy took the baby from daddy’s mommy……. Not to be outdone by Daddy’s mommy, mommy’s mommy proceeded to rock the baby back and forth….rather extensively. If I didn’t know better, I’d bet the baby was a bit seasick from all the back and forward movement……rock…..back and forth…..back and forth…..back and forth………patting baby….back and forth…..back and forth…….. Mommy’s Daddy looked exchausted from all this and he just sat…..even when the congregation stood….he remained unmoving – almost like a statute.

Then daddy’s mommy, took the baby and gave baby a bottle……and rocked her…..back and forth…..back and forth……and the rocking made me begin to feel queasy…..

Just then, mommy’s mommy took the baby…….started rocking the baby even more dramatically……..and this time, she covered the baby from head to toe with a blanket…….. NONE OF THE OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS COULD SEE THE BABY. Daddy’s parents were not amused…..and if looks could kill…..Mommy’s parents would be in existence no longer.

All this drama played out while the minister was preaching about Acts 1:8.

They didn’t hear a single word.

#2 and I got a real chuckle from watching this family in church!

#2 and I had the opportunity to bond more and talk about things that “bug” us. She asked me questions about how I was feeling about the divorce and about her mother etc.

I was honest.

I told her that I wasn’t sure that I could be friends with her when things become final. She is toxic for me. Just hearing her voice makes my skin crawl and my stomach ache.
I don’t think that friends have this effect on people.

I also found out through #2 that Lovey changed her mind again….this time about attending the annual Easter dinner at her mother’s. She did drive in to join her relatives….and the Dentist. (With any luck, she and the dentist will hook up…..and get married…..and live happily ever after….and my alimony will cease! YIPPEE!)

Near the end of the evening, I got some sad news. One of the cousins that I grew up with called an ambulance to come pick her up and take her to the hospital because she was not feeling well. When she got to the hospital, she was immediately placed into ICU, where she died this afternoon.

As I have said before, I’m an only child, but these cousins were like brothers and sisters to me. When they pass away, it pulls a part of my heart out.

Debbie had had a long history of alcoholism. Her life was filled with much drama and turmoil. My only consolation is the fact that she is now with her dad and older brother. She’s safe….and will never have to experience the pain, suffering, and drama ever again.

Healing

I think old Frank is beginning to heal from the wounds suffered during this painful time of separation and divorce.

It seems like for the past 6 or 7 years, I have done nothing but bob from one crisis to another or try to heal one drama or another or keep fences mended or try and be a peacemaker in my family. Finally after the false beginning of the end in late 2003, the illness and subsequent death of Lovey’s father in 2004 and the ultimate separation in 2005…I’ve done nothing but bob and weave through the dips, twists, and turns now known as the roller coaster of my life.

It’s been truly a time of terrible pain, anger, hurt and grace…all wrapped up in one big and ugly package.

I’ve processed a lot of my feelings here in this blog over the past 200 or so posts. It’s hasn’t been too pretty. You’ve seen me at some amusing times and some really bad times.

Now, I’m beginning to see some glimmers of healing and of hope for a very good future.

Last night I had a wonderful evening with a married couple I know. They, their two small children, and the wife’s mother called me up out of the blue to invite me to go to dinner with them. Rather than meet them there, they said they would be by in about 10 minutes to pick me up.

And there they were in their black van. I actually was able to enjoy a comfortable ride without driving for a change! WOW!

Over dinner, we talked. We talked about everything. We talked about kids and about foods. I even found out that the mother-in-law grew up in Peru and used to have pet alligators and that her daughter (my friend) was stung by a scorpion at age 3 and nearly died.

They asked about the divorce and how I was doing.

And then it happened.

I made a joke about the divorce.

AND I laughed…..a very good and hearty belly laugh. You know the kind, the ones that erupt from deep inside.

After we stopped our laughter, I turned to them and said, “You know, it has been years since I have laughed!”
And it has been….many years.

I’ve also been helped spiritually by getting reacquainted with the spiritual Frank. During my years of drama, I sort of let that one slack off too. At my new church I’m trying to become comfortable with the concept of unconditional love….gentle love….

With my many years of church work and experience….this is a very TALL order. I find myself waiting for the drama to begin….or the other shoe to drop…..or something…..

I have so much to learn.

A Trip to Church

I went back to church this morning -- my new church -- MCC.

It meets in a townhouse in a commercial development near the center of Fairfax, VA. As you get to the front door, it's great to see the massive rainbow flags that flap in the breeze as you open the door.

When I'm there I can't explain the feelings that wash over me. I feel safe. I feel secure. I feel genuinely loved.

Isn't this what one is supposed to feel at church?

I've been very active in church for over 30 years. In all the churches I was involved in, I was guilty of not being authentic. There was always a part of me that was guarded....closely guarded. That's the gay part.

So, in those situations, when people told me that they loved me, I accepted it, but in the back of my mind I always wondered what they would think if they only knew the real Frank.

Today, Palm Sunday, was a very special day. There was a membership class and we spent four hours learning about the history of MCC. We also learned about MCC NoVA and what membership means. So, now, I'm thinking about joining.

Why the hesitation?

I think it is probably because I detest change. My grandparents were members of their church for over 50 years. They never waivered. But here I am, I joined the Church of God, Cleveland, TN in 1976. I remained a member in good standing for almost 25 years. Then I followed Lovey to the United Methodist Church and have been a member of that organization for 7 years.

But this church is like nothing I have ever experienced. There is unconditional love and acceptance. For the first time in my life I can be authentic and be the real Frank. I can say openly "I am Gay" and no one is going to send me to hell. There's nurturing....there's faith.....and it looks like there is a nitch for me.

Spousal Support

I’ve just finished writing Lovey’s spousal support check for April. This is check #2.

What a waste of money….my only consolation is that I have a tax write-off. This is a good thing. Every cloud does have a silver lining!

My next little ray of sunshine is the fact that I get about $70,000 from her retirement funds to rollover into mine. At least I get some compensation from her to equalize our retirement accounts. At one of her several jobs, she had a rather generous employer who sweetened her retirement accounts. On the date of separation, (2 years ago), she had more money in her retirement accounts than I had in mine. Thus, the $70,000 dollar switch to me.

It really has bothered her to part with this sum of money…..plus the interest over the past two years.

The good news is that the $70,000 will grow over the next few years and add significantly to my retirement living!

Another silver lining.

So, as my finances settle over the next few months, I can hold onto these rays of sunshine!

Still, I can’t understand why it took Lovey so long to settle. At the end of the process, she didn’t like were the fact that: 1) I was entitled to reserve my right for alimony in the event my financial picture changes and that I had to have that language incorporated into our agreement, and 2) that I was legally entitled to interest on the $70,000 from June 9, 2005.

I also don’t understand why she felt it necessary to “out” me to her attorney near the end of this process….given the fact that she has been adamant that my gayness is not the reason for the divorce.

Perhaps this is all about her anger/resentment about my gayness?

Lovey reminds me of the author Terry McMillan.. She’s the writer of “How Stella Got Her Groove Back” and “Waiting to Exhale.” McMillan and her former husband have been waging a hateful divorce and other legal actions stemming from his disclosure to her that he is gay. She has been hurling hateful insults his way ever since….even so far as to refer to him as her “little fag.” She’s angry and it shows. (see www.thesmokinggun.com)

So, this would explain a lot of the change I’ve seen in Lovey – her personality….her behavior ….her pettiness.

Finances

This whole divorce business is quite expensive not only in pecuniary terms, but also emotionally and physically. I’m beginning to see all this manifested.

For the two years I waited for Lovey to finally come around to agreeing to the settlement agreement, I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how I would land on my feet financially. The legal fees were astronomical. I had to replace my furniture and sound equipment that Lovey had taken with her. On top of all this, I had to figure out how to build a new fence and deck in the back of my home….it was on the verge of collapse from sheer neglect. I had to have some brick work done around my house. The house needed painting. As a result of the great flood of ’06 the week of Lovey’s departure, I had to buy new sump pumps and new carpet for the downstairs. While doing it, I had new carpet installed in my bedroom too.

In the midst of everything, my wife upped her request for spousal support significantly.

But I had everything figured out. I would use some of the proceeds from the retirement equalization, and pay off a loan from my Thrift Savings Plan which would free up $600 per month toward alimony. That would mean that I would only see a net increase of $200 to monthly expenditures.

But…

The Internal Revenue Service has ruled that I can’t use my equalization proceeds to do this. So, I’m kind of stuck now with the financial situation I am currently in.

While it won’t be easy….and I won’t be making the strides I had initially planned on making my debt lessen, it’s just gonna take a little longer. However, every spare penny is going to go to pay off that loan I have from my Thrift Savings Plan. When that is paid, it will greatly help my financial situation.

I suppose this is a small price to pay for the peace of mind I now have….or at least I’m in the process of getting.

Facing Those Demons Down...One At A Time!

I have that feeling that I have just reached yet another milestone in my journey from married man to single gay man. It’s an odd sort of feeling, but it’s a good feeling too. Perhaps it’s best described as the first time you taste a sour green apple. The shock is unpleasant. However, after a brief time, the unpleasantness gives way to wonderful flavor.

I’m over the shock, hurt, and sadness of the finality of the separation agreement. I think it probably was more about my pride more than anything else. I never thought I would be anything other than married – at least until Lovey’s death. Yet, here I am at the age of 48 looking at a life of solitude in my future. Who knew?

As the days get warmer, and spring is finally here, my spirits seem to improve daily. I feel more and more like my old self – happy that I am well – happy that I’m alive.

My blessings are many.

I see them…tangibly…..and I thank God every day for them.

But I occasionally have to face down a demon or two.

This past Sunday I had to face one of my demons head-on….and I soared! I had dinner with Lovey, as I reported in my last post. BUT….one of the unexpected guests I mentioned in my other post was another man seated at the table to Lovey’s right. I’m not sure of his purpose there…but I found the seating arrangement interesting.

The demon I faced down was the prospect of Lovey having a new man in her life. At first, it hurt…and I felt very sad….but I hid those feelings and only speak of them now. After 25 years of marriage to the same woman it would only be natural to have “funny” feelings when you see that woman seated by another man. I wasn’t jealous. It was just a feeling of mild surprise and a touch of sadness.

Now, since I don’t know what the relationship with him really is….or if there is a relationship with him. While this man, a dentist, may not even be interested in Lovey….or Lovey in him……I was able to process my feelings for when that moment happens or if/when Lovey remarries.

It will be okay.

Another demon I’ve had to deal with is that I learned that Mom O’Lovey hesitated about whether to invite me or not to this “family” gathering. My dear daughter, #2, handled it beautifully…and I guess it demonstrates the love she has for me, her daddy. I didn’t learn of this until after the fact.

Here’s the conversation as it was described to me:

#2: “Is Dad invited to this dinner too?”

Grandma: “Well, he makes your mother uncomfortable when he is around.”

#2: “Well, Grandma, I came to spend the weekend with him. If he’s not invited, then I won’t be coming. I want to spend as much time as I can with him!”

Well, needless to say, I was invited and we both went. But if I had known that my presence caused such discomfort, I could have bowed out and made #2 go alone. I don’t like making people uncomfortable.

I went to the gastroenterologist yesterday. He’s not sure what my problem is and gave me some medicine to take four times per day. If I am not totally cured by April 25 (my next appointment with him), he says that he will have to do another “procedure” to see what is going on inside me.

I hope the meds make me feel better.

Weekend Update

My weekend was great. It just went by way too fast!

My daughter from Nashville came and spent the weekend with me. She wanted to see the Gay Men’s Chorus of DC’s production of the Wizard of Oz. We did that and it was amazing. Lots of funny touches from the gay angle. The double entendre’s flew! (A lot over my daughter’s head thankfully.) Plus, can you picture Ms. Gulch being black (think Oprah), and instead of traveling on a bike, she’s riding a segue(sp?)? Or, Toto being a stuffed black toy dog, who did his moving with the assistance of people throwing him from place to place on the stage? Or how about the flying monkees being leather daddies with muscular chests? Or, instead of a hunted forest…..the forest of twinks?

I think you can pretty well picture just how truly entertaining this was.

Afterwards, she wanted to go to one of the gay restaurants in town. So there we sat, in the heart of gay DC, in a fine restaurant, surrounded by many, many, beautiful gay men….and my daughter sat and enjoyed it all. What support I have! I am indeed blessed.

On Sunday morning we arose early and went to visit her grandmother at church. We then went to a diner close by and breakfast. Following this we went to the church I’ve been attending. It’s MCC and primarily gay. My daughter kept telling me how taken she was with the friendliness that everyone showed.

After the service, we went with the “Lunch Bunch” to eat at a nearby restaurant. Once again #2 made herself right at home and she made folks feel that they have known her forever.

Then, it was time.

Time for us to go to the O’Lovey’s house and visit with Lovey and her mother. We were a bit shocked by the number of “other” people who came, but we didn’t make a big deal of it and tried to be as warm as possible.

I had a grand time in spite of Lovey being there. However, to be quite honest, this was the first time in well over 2 years that I can actually say that she made me feel warm and welcome. We actually conversed and there was no tension at all.

So, #2 got back to Nashville last night all safe and sound…..and I returned home….and sat with my dog, Davy, and watched some television before going to bed.

I’m having some gastric problems. Not sure what the problem is. I’m going to see the gastroenterologist tomorrow afternoon to see. Stay tuned.

A Great Day!

Today has been an awesome day!

My daughter (#2) from Nashville arrived last night and we have spent the entire day together.

I needed this.

We have talked about a lot of stuff and we're both looking forward to "The Wizard of Oz" tonight. The gay thing has been such a big part of both of our lives. It's going to be good to just be able to laugh at it as it is presented in the telling of this timeless classic!

#2 visited with Lovey's mother this morning for breakfast.

Afterwards, I found out that Lovey is coming to town tomorrow to visit with her attorney to take the depositions necessary for the processing of the remaining steps of the divorce. So, we must be on our way!

#2 and I have been invited to "grandma's" tomorrow night for dinner....with Lovey....and God alone knows who else. It's gonna be okay. #2 says she doesn't want me to be put into any awkwardness.....and I told her that there isn't going to be.

I'll be just as warm and friendly and as phony as can be. If they can be that way...then why can't I? Especially when my daughter needs me to be there.

I am sure I will have lots to report...

The Great Mystery

I am troubled by a great mystery.

I would have thought that this mystery would have been solved with the signing of the separation agreement. Now, I can only hope that the signing of the final divorce documents and the ultimate divorce will settle this once and for all.

So here it is.

Why do I remain so sad and depressed?

Lovey’s life with me apparently was “hell” as she so well described it.

My life with her was “hell”, but at the time I didn’t realize it.

I don’t want her back and I want nothing to do with her going forward. Minimal contact with her is best. After any dealing with her, I nosedive into a funk.

To me, she has become toxic.

So.

Here I am, a middle-aged gay man. I’ve been set free. I now call the shots in my life. I make all the decisions without any input from her or having to go through her for clearance.

I’m free!

Why can’t I be happy about it and dump the sadness?

It’s a mystery.

The Blessing of Friends

I'm slowly improving in lots of areas of my life.

At times during the separation, pre-agreement, I actually thought I was going crazy. I have felt tired, unmotivated, sad, depressed, and feeling self doubt, hatred and every other possible negative thought. I thnk this is something to remember if you are one of the many who are contemplating the end of a long term marriage because of the gay issue.

I've said several times that during my marriage I lost myself in the process. I lost my hobbies. I lost my identity. I lost my friends and totally focused on the needs of my children. God knows I tried to be a good husband and to make up for my failings as a gay man. I put myself under such stress to compensate for my shortcomings.

But in the end, none of my good intentions counted.

When the sepaation occurred all our friends became her's. She played the role of martyr so well.

This awful experience has forced me to reach out and make friends. This is beyond my normal comfort zone. I'm shy and have tended to be passive when it comes to making friends or having other relationships.

But one word of advice to those of you on my path... You need to be prepared to build a network of support. It's a lonely existence trying to make it through a lifechanging event and still survive.

I've reached out at the office.....at the new church I've been attending......and online.

Yesterday, one of my online friends wrote me and said that he felt he needed to talk to me and encourage me. Would I call him on his cellphone?

He lives in the midwest. He, too, is married, and about two years older than me. He's a pastor....and is gay and working through his own issues....but he actually wanted to encourage me.

And we talked......for two and half hours....non-stop. He encouraged me....and I encouraged him.

That's what friends do.

He listened. He advised. I listened. I advised. Neither of us expected anything in return.

We both hung up feeling encouraged...and upbeat.

Yes, that's what friends do.

Happy Birthday Blog! The Story Behind The Picture

I got my dates mixed up. Actually I'm almost a week late.

One year ago today, I installed the site meter on my site. I forgot that I had started my blog almost a week earlier. ICK. BUT...this appears to be the lot of my life....a day late and a nickel short as they say.

Man, what a year. 236 posts have been published. Some with pictures. Some without. It certainly is a journal of my troubling year. I just wish I had kept this thing earlier, to mark the grand upheaval and not just the aftermath. (the aftermath was bad enough....but what led up to the aftermath was even more gut wrenching....perhaps I'll write about them in FLASHBACK mode one day.)

The picture of me that defines my blog was taken by daughter #2 in the summer of 2005. 'It was taken approximately three months after Lovey made her grand pronouncement.

I had gone to a family reunion in West Virginia. Shortly before that picture was taken, one of my cousins did the annual "Where's your wife?" routine. As I look back on it, there were many such occasions with my relatives. I always kind of squirmed when asked. But I made excuses for her.

"Oh she's working."

"She's preaching this weekend and couldn't come."

"My son needed someone to be with him."

Oddly, at this particular time, I hadn't seen the pattern and had not yet realized that Lovey just plain old didn't want to get to know my family or have anything to do with any of them. (I'm an only child....and my cousins, aunts, uncles, are all very important to me.) She didn't even do good at building any type of relationships with my mom and dad. Cold and prickly might be a good description of how she was to them.

Normally, when the cousins asked where Lovey was, I would answer and they would shake their heads and walk away. Well, this particular year, the cousin in question responded "She must not really like your family because she never has been here. I've never met her."

I smiled wearily and answered, "It doesn't really matter anymore. She is divorcing me. But I'm here!"

The cousin offered her condolences and gave me a hug.

That's when I went on the walk up the dirt road that resulted in this photograph. You can't see it, but my head is racing and I'm experiencing a ton of new feelings that are on the verge of swamping me in depression. I did not know what was up ahead. Looking around at my new surroundings....alone. Frightened and hurt in the situation I found myself in. Remembering how my life used to be, versus how it was at the time.

That picture becomes very poignant when one knows the point in time it captures. It shows a divorcing gay man, whose world is in total chaos trying to process it all...trying to hold it all together.

It was also during that trip that a few other things dawned on me.

One of the things that Lovey always prided herself on was the fact that she was a "supportive wife." I didn't really think too much of it until I was on the trip that resulted in this picture. I was sitting on my parent's front porch swing after the reunion.....after the picture was snapped...... and I heard those words from Lovey. "I've been a supportive wife."

Just what does that mean?

She never came to a reunion.

When my parent's have been gravely ill, she was very rarely around.

In 24 years of marriage I had 8 signifiant deaths. Not one time did she go with me to the funeral or go through the mourning process with me.

Wow, I thought.

Upon my return from WV and having made this photograph, I had an occasion to chat with Lovey....about the marriage.....and it's death.

"I've been a supportive wife," pronounced Lovey.

"How do you define supportive wife," I asked innocently.

"I cooked." she said.

"Not very often," I responded gently.

"I kept a clean house for you."

"Not really," I responded....eyeing the ministerial clutter in the room we were in.

"I supported you through your being gay."

"How's that?" I asked. "You never really became active in any of the spousal organizations I provided information on. You never talked or fostered good relationships with my friends' wives who were going through the same thing. You never talked to me about what it was like for me to be gay. You said that I was using you as a cover and for only that."

"Well," Lovey said in a huff. "I didn't divorce you!"

"No, you're doing that now. So how have you been supportive of me?"

She stalked out of the room. She had no answers.

This blog has been my salvation. It has helped me to relieve much frustration. It has given me the opportunity to process emotions that I may have not done otherwise. It has given me a world of new cyber friends. People who write me back channel to give me words of encouragement and a kick in the butt.

Thanks to each of you for taking the time for making me a part of your life. Hopefully in it's own little way, it will help you on your path.

That first year, I used this picture in my Christmas letter.

It's a simple reminder of where I was, and where I am now. It's a gentle reminder of just how far I've come.

Happy Birthday Blog.

Some Days Are Diamonds

At times I feel so edgy. I mean, I feel on edge and I have the urge to keep looking over my shoulder. Looking for the next calamity or misfortune. I suppose if you re-read the blog for this past year you can probably understand why I feel this way.

Here's a partial list:

1. The separation agreement in limbo.
2. My wife accusing me of everything except being God's child.
3. June 20, 2006
4. My mother's cancer.
5. The big basement flood.
6. My son's arrest.
7. #1's move to El Salvador
8. My feelings of emptiness and aloneness.
9. Lovey's outting of me to her attorney for no real good reason.
10. My dad's cataract surgery.
11. My dad's mini-strokes and their damage.

OUCH.

And there are more things I could add....lots more. But I don't want to depress you further. Heck, it depresses me....and makes me sad.

So here I am....getting ready to call it a day and crawl into my bed.

I feel like that old John Denver song, "Some days are diamonds.....some days are stone."

I just don't understand me....or why some days are good while others are really bad...or why do I get so depressed.

I guess it's my psyche just trying to sort things out. This is quite an adjustment guys. Not only am I dealing with the empty nest syndrome big time, but I have one child who is best described as being estranged from me, a soon-to-be ex-wife that I want nothing to do with...and a group of inlaws that have nothing to do with me.

As an only child I spent many days alone. But in my marriage, I found that I had an instant family....always calling....or we were always dropping by.......or we had the kids.....and swamped with soccer, baseball, basketball, scouts.....etc. Something was always happening in my house.

Now that has all changed.

It's quiet.

I'm alone with my dog.

Quite an adjustment.

Trust

I’m having a hard time trusting people these days.

It’s probably a spillover from the marriage.

I was totally honest and upfront with Lovey, perhaps a bit too honest……but when the boom was lowered, I found that she wasn’t honest and upfront with me. This tends to leave one scarred.

I just don’t know how to get back to the old Frank….the one that used to love and to trust.

I don’t mean to sound paranoid of psychotic, but I do look at all my relationships with a bit of trepidation. Even with people who have been my friends for a long time I find myself looking at them and wondering

“Are you being honest with me? Am I looking at the real you? Are you what you appear? Or are you lying to me for whatever reason? Do you have an ulterior motive or other agenda?”

This also extends to the affairs of the heart.

When someone says they love me I want to say, “Do you really?”

After all, at one time in my life my wife said that.

This is truly a sad state of affairs isn’t it?

At the beginning of this blog adventure, I said that I would be honest and not sugar coat my feelings.

Well, this is where the real Frank is today.

Untrusting.

I was chatting with a co-worker this morning about this very thing. She said that I needed to let the wall down and begin trusting again.

I agreed.

But not now.

I’m frightened to do so.

Two years is an awfully long time to hurt and to mourn and to be sad. It’s also sad to spend two years on the defensive with one’s guard up because you’re afraid your wife is going to zing you about some perceived wrong or slight.

The gay thing adds to this by making me feel so isolated and afraid at times to tell people who the real Frank is. This is especially true given the fact that Lovey has outted me to everyone and I appear isolated from those people.

None of them call.

None of them write email.

I must tread very lightly with my current feelings. I could become an isolated and bitter old man.

I am so weary.

The Quiet

I'm sitting here trying to figure out what to make for dinner. I've had a very quiet and uneventful day. A friend came by this morning and took me to breakfast. It was fun to get out for a while.

When I returned, I decided to go into #1's room and begin cleaning up the mess she left for me to deal with. It was rather colossal. So, after I finish this and fix myself some dinner, I'm going to go up there and finish what I started.

It's kind of funny how when you're doing stuff like chores, your mind races and you begin living memories of days long past. I suppose I'll never get away from the memories I have...the good and the bad. I try not to put too much thought on things....because I don't want to trigger another one of those very bad and sad depressions I've been known to have.

It wouldn't take much.

I do feel a twinge of melancholy tonight. But, when you've been used to having a house full of activity for so long, it's rather shocking when your life comes down to just you.

I do have something to look forward to. #2 is going to come up for this weekend from Nashville and spend it with me. Gee, it will be good to have someone in the house with me for the two days she will be here. Goodness. I won't know what to do with myself.

The main reason she is coming up is to go with me to see the Gay Men's Chorus of Washington's production of the Wizard of Oz. It's the movie version with a gay twist. For example, can you imagine the flying monkees being flying leather daddies? It promises to be a hoot! That's the cover of the program to the left.

So, that shows the world what support I have with my kids.

I guess of all the things that I am thankful for, the biggest things are my children. If I had to live my life over again, I'd say that the poor excuse that I had as a marriage, would be worth the trouble....to have my kids again. They are the product of Lovey's and my marriage. From that perspective....while I suffer from huge pangs of regret, my three kids are not part of that.

I spoke to #1 in El Salvador yesterday. She sounds quite happy. She is experiencing lots of new things....and is already planning my Christmas trip there. That should be quite fun...to be with her.

I'm looking forward to that.

My life continues. It's quite a change from what I had envisioned for this stage of it.

But, at this moment, I'm okay.

Still grieving...but it's better.

Trying very hard to get it all together....and to keep it all together.

I appreciate all your warm thoughts.

The one remaining sad speed bump left for me is when I sign the final divorce documents....and it's over. It will be the end of an era...and wll finally make everything that I have been on more concrete.

I don't look forward to that.

Things Appear to be Moving

Last Friday I signed the paper work for the separation agreement.

Today I received the paper work in the mail that says that Lovey is now moving toward the divorce.

HALLELEUJAH!

It's only taken two years.... My only wish is that this had been done a long time ago.

As I read the documents, I noticed a small little foot note.

In the early days following the separation, Lovey made this big deal about keeping my surname. This was because she wanted it to be the same as all our children's names. It didn't bother me one way or the other. But she made such a big deal out of it.

Well, in today's documents, it said that she intends to go back to her maiden name!

So, once again, Lovey has changed her mind about something.

Oh well.

Hopefully now within 10 weeks I will be a free man.

On Being Normal, Queer, Christian and Male

I returned yesterday afternoon from Philly all safe and sound. I dropped my colleague off at her car and then I made the mad dash across the river to pick up my cocker spaniel, Davy.

He was so happy to see me and to be home.

I felt a profound sense of relief when I got home.

The overall relief I felt was evidenced in the fact that I had to lie down and nap before I could continue the rest of the evening. That one hour nap refreshed me enough so that I could enjoy the Bible study I attended.

Yes, the gay church I am part of had a men’s Bible study last night and we met at one of the members’ homes. We sat and talked. I became acquainted with a number of the guys.

It’s interesting to be in a room filled with gay men….and to not have the sexual tension that accompanies a lot of such gatherings. In last night’s group there were two committed monogamous couples.

Watching them interact and to behave so comfortably with each other was such a blessing to see.

Over the course of the evening, they mentioned that the reason that such couples are not as visible as those who lay fast and loose is that a committed couple tends to be low key. They don’t feel the need to beat their chests and be out partying and playing. They are content with each other and just living their lives quietly and happily.

They asked me about myself and my background. I told them of my religious upbringing and about Lovey. I told the couples that I was really blessed to see them. But that I had a long way to go before I was ready for such a relationship.

They understood.

The discussion then turned to being a normal queer Christian man. So, I asked the question, “What does one look like?”

They explained that normal was a relative term. It depends on who you are and what your drives entail. Being a queer is obvious…if you’re a man, it means you like other men. (DUH.) And, if you’re a Christian, that means you are a follower of Christ.

So, based on that discussion, I suppose I can claim the comment,

“I’m a normal, queer, Christian, man.”

I hope Jerry Fallwell, Pat Robertson and Ted Haggard aren’t reading this.

Greetings From The City of Brotherly Love (Philadelpphia)

Today I return home from having spent three days in Philadelphia, PA.

It has been a good trip and has offered me a welcome change of pace. I've spent some time with some old friends from my agency and I've gotten the opportunity to gain some new friends too!

I guess spending time with 300 of one's colleagues sort of forces you to reach out and talk to strangers!

As I write this, it is still dark outside. The noises of the hotel, as it awakens are increasing. Doors are slamming. Occasional voices fill the hallway outside my room door.

And here I sit, writing to you.

Since my last post, I've been trying to figure out what profound words of wisdom I have to impart in this entry. Sadly, I have none.

I'm still very down about the separation agreement.

I hear through the grapevine that she is elated that Frank, "finally agreed to her separation agreement." She is elated that now she can file for a divorce!

This could have been done so long ago had she not dawdled.

Very frustrating.

I wonder what her dad would have said about all these developments?

During the height of my being "down" on Saturday, I drove to the cemetery to pay my respects to him. He still has no tombstone. I just know where his grave is and the fact that Mom O'Lovey has some plastic poinsettias on it still left over from the holidays.

I stood there remembering him. I remembered his difficult ways and what a tyrant he could be. In an odd sort of way, I understand how Lovey is the way that she is. I also talked to him about all the happenings in my family. I told him how angry I was and how hurt I felt...and yes, what a failure I felt I had been as a husband. Oddly, I felt some degree of comfort while there. I also talked about vindication. I said that I wanted to experience vindication in some small way.

I would like to be able to feel that somewhere along the way, Lovey will not be seen as the victim in long flowing ministerial robes. You know, that poor woman whose life was made hell by that awful queer husband of hers. That lousy, no-good-for-nothing man that had so many affairs he could hardly see straight. Pardon the pun.

Does Lovey really know what a life of hell is really like?

I was and am still quite queer y'all, but I tried to be a better husband because of it. I drove myself to keep her happy. For a very long time, I tried to be celibate....and to be a non practicing gay man. In actuality, her life was not the hell she would like others to believe.

But, wouldn't it be something if she remarries and moves into hell? I mean, what if she were to marry another gay man? How about a gay man that happens to be all the things I am not....like one who doesn't level with her? Or one that is not on the gentle side who tells her of his struggles?

Or what happens if she marries a guy who does not let her focus so much on ministry? One that makes her do other things that she doesn't really want to do?

I'm praying for vindication.

Some would call it revenge.

But I'm praying for a miracle to occur that will let Lovey see once and for all that being married to Frank was not the hell she has portrayed.

Friday Report

Yesterday was a big day.

Lovey and her attorney decided that they would finally accept the terms of the separation agreement. So, my attorney called and asked if I could be at her office at 1:30pm to sign the agreement.

Yes, to actually sign the Separation Agreement. This is the agreement that I have waited to sign for almost two years.

The moment arrived and I signed the original and four copies. I also had to initial each page. So it took a while.

So after all that, I paid the attorney and wrote my first alimony check.

Then I went to my gay married men's support group. I was so sad...and it has been this way the entire day. I guess the fact that I signed one of the main documents makes the whole thing real. It moves from being a concept to something concrete...and it hurts.

Really bad!

I've spent all day just doing errands and trying to change my mood. Tears have fallen all day long......

I'm so tired...

I need to sleep.

Is EVERYBODY Gay?

I am scratching my head a lot these days.

No, I don’t have lice! LOL

Being gay sure does make life very interesting. When I think of all the energy and time I wasted fretting about this very fact and worrying about not being “normal,” I get very, very tired. Especially when I think of how bad I beat myself up….and considering myself to be “ugly.”

One of the things that I have been most fearful of is the fear of being alone as I get older. “Who would want me?” I often asked myself.

Several of my gay friends have said that I should just be myself…and to not worry about trying to go out of my way to look for companionship. “It will come when you least expect it,” they say.

Today I had another “special” moment.

I was involved in a nonwork-related meeting at lunch time. A new man that I didn’t know was in attendance and he happened to sit next to me.

He was quite fun to look at.

I mustered as much of my straight persona as I could because I just didn’t want my mind to go “there.” As we began to eat lunch, he turned to me.

“I’m Randy,” he said. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“Likewise,” I said. “I’m Frank.”

We shook hands and he gave me one of those strong grips and he held it about a second longer than I was expecting.

As we continued talking and getting acquainted, I began to take notice of his body language. When he talked to me, his eyes looked at me intently – deeply, so much so that I felt naked. My heart raced.

I found out that he was a contractor. I happened to mention that I was thinking of having some work done at my house to remove a wall to free up a little more space for my refrigerator.

He grinned and said that he would like to give me an estimate, if that was okay.

I said that an estimate wouldn’t hurt.

So when the meeting was over, he asked me if I was heading out back to my office. When I said yes, he told me to wait up and he’d walk out with me.

We left the meeting place and when I got to my car, he asked if he could have my phone number and email address in order to make arrangements to look at the potential job. As I handed him the piece of paper, his eyes drilled into mine and he asked, “Are you married?”

Kind of a strange question… I said, “Well, sort of. I’m in the midst of a divorce…after over 25 years.”

He smiled….”I’m married too,” he said. “But I like guys. Wife doesn’t know. One thing though that is different about me is that I want monogamy. One guy…all the time.”

I gulped.

Was this a come on?

I smiled and said, “I totally understand. I’m gay too. I’m all for monogamy, but I’ve found it is rather difficult to find in the gay world.”

His smile grew broader.

“Small world,” he said.

It sure is….especially in Washington, D.C.

It makes me want to scream out like Joan Cusack in the movie, “In & Out”

“Is EVERYBODY gay?”

Exploding Old Myths

I've spent almost 49 years believing a lot of myths about myself.

They've only served to box me in and have helped to limit my possibilities. However, I am happy to report that I seem to be exploding them one-by-one.

It's funny....and it's scary too!

Today's old myth that I successfully exploded (Well, to be honest, I had some help doing this demolition.) is the one where I have believed for years and years that I am unattractive.

I think the origin of this myth stems from the first grade. I had an elderly lesbian spinster as my teacher. She made it clear that she had no time for men or boys. She was tough as nails.... When I'm discussing her, I always like to say that she held down two jobs...she was a school teacher and she moonlighted as a test pilot at a broom factory in town. That's how bad she was.

As I've explained in earlier posts, I was an only child. I think my parents and other key adults successfully spoiled me during my growing up years and by the time I reached the first grade (Kindergarten was not required at that time.)I was rather traumatized by the concept of going to school.

Having Miss Floding as a teach didn't help my self esteem.

I still remember her taunts: "You're such a baby." "Why don't you know how to tie your shoes?" "Your neck is too big." "You're ugly." "You are a bad little boy."

I think you get the idea.

At any rate...the one thing she said to me that has stayed with me these past 43 years, is the fact that I am ugly. And, in looking at some of my pictures from adolescence, I must say, I was far from being a sex symbol.

ICK!

However, my kids have flattered me by saying that as I have gotten older, I have gotten much better looking. I've just sort of roll my eyes at such comments and go on about my business.

As a gay man -- a gay middle-aged man -- I have learned that the focus is on youth and buff bodies....and I've watched first hand just how vicious the community can be to those who don't fit into the gym bunny mold.

Since I'm a nearly single gay man, I have to tell you that it has given me pause when I consider that not everyone that I find I'm attracted to is attracted to me. As a matter of fact, I would say so far that 80% of what I'm attracted to runs shrieking in the other direction when I enter the room.

BUT, I had a friend to tell me, "Aw Frank. It's not you! You're just marketing yourself to the wrong audience!"

I've thought about it.....and although I've not been doing any conscious marketing of me to anyone....I've just been too preoccupied with the separation stuff, I have been trying to spruce myself up a bit and let folks know that I am comfortable being me.

Well, today, I had my socks almost knocked all the way off!

A man from one of the online groups I'm a part of has been emailing me religiously. He saw my picture on the group's photo page and started chatting. We chat about everything. Well, he's working in the area for the next six months and had some free time and he decided to take me to lunch. He called me and said, "I'd really like to get to know you better. I want to take you to lunch."

So, I said, "Okay!"

He told me he'd be driving a pickup truck.

The snooty people at my office (and there are quite a number of them) really wrinkled up their noses when they saw Old Frank here crawl into the cab of that truck.

Now, I must confess, when I opened the truck door, the specimen of manhood that sat over on the driver's seat made my heart skip. Chris, had not posted his picture on the Web site. My old insecurities rose and I found myself wondering why he would be so interested in keeping in touch with me and wanting to have lunch with me.

We chit chatted as we headed for the eatery he had in mind. Chris said that he was glad that we finally got to meet. He said that he had read my story....and that he saw my picture. "I liked what I saw," he grinned, "and I like what I'm seeing now."

My heart skipped.

This man is 40 years old....beautiful in every way.......and he says that he likes what he sees.

Goodness.

I stammered and stuttered....and when we finally got to the eatery....we went inside and found a quiet private table.

We chatted.

It seems that Old Chris....the buff and beautiful Chris....really likes me. I mean he wanted me to know that he REALLY likes me.......in THAT way.......and he wants to
SEE me......and to be FRIENDS......and God only knows what else.

I thought I was going to lose my breath.

You see, Miss Floding was sitting on one of my shoulders whispering, "You're ugly, Frank and not worthy of this. He's just trying to use you."

I looked at my friend, sitting there....looking all doe eyed...... I said, "Forgive me, but what exactly do you see in an old guy like me?"

He grinned again, "Aw...Frank.....you're a cute one....and I'd be honored to have you in my life."

I gulped.

He certainly would be a nice ornament to have skulking around my house and sunning himself out on my deck in those hot summer days.

My kids would be amazed......that I dragged something like him home.

My poor mother would probably faint dead away.

BUT...

In my heart, I know that I'm not ready.

I'm not ready for a long term relationship with another man full time. Heck, I'm not even over my last long term relationship yet. Technically I'm still married to Lovey. I'm very much on the rebound. I have way too many other issues to work on before I make any big changes. I need to enjoy full fledged singleness for a while -- a long while.

But, you know something? This was a great experience....an affirming experience. There was a beautiful young man...perfect in every way....expressing his admiration of me......his attraction to me.....and wanting desperately to become a very important part of my life.

He was, he said, strongly attracted to me....the soft...middle aged.....fag....Frank.

I still have to catch my breath.

Thanks Chris for blowing that myth to smithereens.

Horoscopes and Such...

I like to think that God has a sense of humor.

I think that’s why we all have varying degrees of it in our lives.

When I was younger, I loved to laugh. I also lived for the moment of making others laugh. Sadly, as I have grown older, I think I forgot how to laugh due to the many dramas I’ve had to face in my adult life.

It’s returning though – slowly. I’m so happy about this.

I see God’s sense of humor in very subtle and gentle ways. Sometimes they are nothing more than slight nudges that happen at the most unexpected times. So slight in fact that they can be easily missed or dismissed.

I’ve always been sensitive to the unknown and the supernatural. Lovey wrote in her journal entry (the one that I found while cleaning her junk out of my house) about my apparent “fixation” on these ungodly pursuits as one of her many reasons for our incompatibility. In her mind, it exemplified my lack of overall spirituality.

I always liked to ask her questions that sometimes challenged her faith. Such questions tended to make her uncomfortable because I often asked questions she couldn’t answer.

Lovey didn’t like to be in situations for which she didn’t have an answer.

Lovey thrived on being the most spiritual being in our household. She was always so pious and serious. She was always so busy living up to this notion that she never noticed that the ONE thing I never lost in my marriage was my spirituality.

I just never wore it on my sleeve or felt the need to beat my chest and scream “I AM SPIRITUAL” at the top of my lungs. Besides, that would have only triggered a contest as to who was more spiritual: me or the good reverend herself!

I just don’t do well at contests.

In my Christian upbringing, I was taught that reading one’s horoscope was akin to communing with the devil himself. But, being the inquisitive person that I am, I have always read that column of the newspaper…not to guide my life by it….not to conduct a séance or to consult a Ouiji board to guide my footsteps or to be turned onto a life devoted to the black arts.

This was for fun…ONLY.

One day in high school, for example, my horoscope said that I would have a good day, but that I should be careful in cross walks. At lunch that day, I wasn’t paying any attention to what I was doing and was nearly run over by a car while I was in – you guessed it – a crosswalk.

While I’m confessing my secret sins to you, dear readers, I think I should also tell you that I have fun reading personalized license plates. Perhaps this is nearly as evil as communing with the devil, although I’ve never read a commandment against this in the Bible.

Sometimes though, these personalized messages touch me at special moments quite profoundly. For instance, one day I was beating myself up internally about being a gay married man.

A sports car veered out of no where and merged in front of me…..the license plate read:

GWM RU12

A few days after Lovey lowered the boom on me and announced our separation, I felt unwanted and like damaged goods. Tears had welled up in my eyes.

A mini-van whizzed by with tags that read:

LOVED
Or, the day that I took #1 to the airport for her year abroad in Spain, I cried all the way from the terminal out to my car in the garage. The convertible parked directly in front of my car had tags which read:

BOO HOO

I could go on and on….

I count these moments as my little special moments from God – nuggets that let me know He’s watching…and that I’m not alone.

As you know, I’ve struggled with a host of issues this past year. If you’re new t this blog, you can read about all my fears and insecurities in the past articles in the archive. You will also know that I’ve also wrestled with my gayness and my own internal homophobia and my feelings of being “different” from everyone else.

Well, today I had another one of those special moments from God. Yes, at lunch time I read my horoscope in the Washington Post.

It read:

“As different as you feel from that person standing in line behind you, sitting in the cubicle in front of you or driving next to you in traffic, there is much that we all share.”

So simple, yet profoundly me.

Another Good Day

This has been another good day.

I'm trying to figure out what makes the difference between a good one and a not so good one. I've decided that I have a good day when I feel like I've accomplished something. Or, when I feel good about myself...as in enjoying th emany blessings that I have experienced and the fact that each passing day moves me that farther away from the hurt of June 9, 2005 -- my separation.

This week I have the honor of serving as the acting office director. Next week I am headed to Philly for 3 days on business. And, well, things are really happening in my life.

I got to spend some time tonight encouraging a friend from one of my online support groups. It's really good to feel like I've helped someone else on his journey....and perhaps made him smile or outright laugh.

Before I came here to write, I checked my emails. I got a message from one of the heads of the men's group at MCC, the church I attended yesterday. He sent me the release about the next Bible study, and then sent me a personal message about how good it was to have me at church on Sunday. He also said it was very important to his overall wellbeing, to be able to worship God in a safe environment.

I believe this...

It certainly did me a world of good to be able to go and enjoy meeting all the new people.....and to just be me.

This is certainly a new experience....going to church without a mask...just being able to be the man that God created me to be.

What a relief!

My Visit to Church

I went to church this morning.

No, I didn't go to THAT one -- you know the one. That one where I feel like the invisible man. That church that Lovey served on the staff of.

I went to the Metropolitan Community Church -- the gay church.

It felt so good to be there. The sanctuary was crowded with people like me. Gay men, gay women, gay male couples with kids, gay male couples without kids, lesbians with children, lesbians without children, older gay men and women.

It was amazing.

The lesibans were so friendly. When I go to gay churches or gay friendly churches, I seem to always attract the lesbians. I told my mother that I was getting in touch with my inner lesbian...or maybe I was a lesbian. We laughed.

But the message was so good. The spirit was really good. I felt very much at home.

Following the service I was invited to go to lunch with them -- the lesbians and the gay guys. We laughed. It was good to just be myself in this group of strangers. They want me to come to the men's Bible Study next week. So, what the heck. I'm going to go!

So we'll see.

The Right Path

My introspection continues...

Last night, I had dinner with a gay military officer. Yes, he is active duty... He and I had a wonderful time. Over the course of the evening we discussed what kind of work we do. I was amazed to find out that my friend is a psychiatrist.

He was so easy to talk to.

We talked....and we laughed.

He was great.

As we talked, he said that he could tell that I have been through a lot....but he wanted me to know that he believed that I was dealing with my issues in a very healthy way. He predicts that by the end of the summer I should be at a new....and very good place in my emotional reconstruction.

I thanked him.....and said that it was a relief to hear that from a mental health professional, because for a few days in the not too distant past, I thought I was beginning to lose it.

I then asked if I could tell him a bit of my story...and if he would tell me his thoughts.

He said that he would be glad to listen and to provide any input he felt necessary.

"Out with it," he said.

So, I gave him the condensed story.....of my separation and my life with Lovey.

Do you know what he had to say about me?

He said, what has been told to me by two other mental health professionals: "You have all the classic symptoms of being an abused spouse."

Confirmation #3.

This, and the fact that I keep analyzing my past....and some of the issues I've discussed in this blog during the past week or so, I'm in agreement with this pronouncement. I also find that the hurts and the feelings of inadequacy I've struggled with are beginning to change.

I'm feeling more confident in myself.

I am not the person I thought I was for so many years.

I'm not dysfunctional.

I'm not damaged goods.

I'm not ugly.

I'm not unable to be happy with myself.

I'm a person of worth.....who has a lot to offer the world.....

and it is not determined and I am not defined by Lovey!

I'm a great guy....and all I need to do is to relax.....breathe......

I'm on the right path....for me.

Musings on Love

It’s Friday!

It’s Friday, March 2, 2007!

STILL there is no signed separation agreement from Lovey!

In one week, I will have been separated for 21 months. So, here I sit…where I have now been for almost 21 months…waiting.

Why is it taking her so long? She says that she needs the alimony. But alimony does not begin until the separation agreement is signed.

It makes no sense.

But then, this whole situation has never made any sense to me. I can’t understand why when these delays occur, I am blamed for the delay. Or that I am accused of taking advantage of her. Or that I have made her life hell. Or that I have made her raw inside.

DANG those wooden spoons, toilet lid seats and rescued cocker spaniels.

I am scum of the earth and remain so…even to this day.

She, of course, is a vision. She, so holy, so spiritual, her ministerial robes blowing in the breeze! Hands raised to minister to the downtrodden….the lowly of heart…..the unfortunate.

But because I’m gay….one of “them”…..a man who has been “unfaithful”….an adulterer…..what I think or what I feel don’t count. I’m not even worthy to be in her presence or to be treated as an equal. I am beneath her.

So here I am.

I remain troubled in that I doubt she ever loved me. In her mind she may have had a form of love….but not the kind of love that I hunger for. The love that I ache for transcends gay/straight.

It doesn’t have to be perfect or defined by body shape or other attributes.

It accepts me where I am and does not require me to change into its image of what it think loves should be.

It comforts when I hurt.

It protects.

It gives me the benefit of the doubt in all situations.

It puts me first and does not treat me as “left overs.”

It’s there when I have had a bad day.

It’s there when I have an excellent day.

It’s there when I fail.

It picks me up and dusts me off and gives me a hug and says, “You’re doing fine.”

It’s there when I succeed and rejoices in my good times.

It’s kind.

It’s longsuffering and is not a scorekeeper.

It’s only a phone call or email away.

It’s a bond that only grows stronger with the passage of time.

In 25 years of marriage I NEVER had any of this. Everything had strings attached. Everything was up for criticism. Never any comfort during my grief over the loss of a loved one. There was never any benefit of the doubt given for my motives. Scores were always kept….if she ever perceived she was behind in the score, then there was always hell to pay.

Yet, me, with my eternal (or is that infernal?) optimism flowing, I always created an excuse for any shortcoming that Lovey exhibited. I loved her. She was my wife. – for better or worse.

But these were the rules I lived by….and I thought about them every day.

I still think about them daily.

Are they too hard?

Are these too Pollyanna-ish?

Do relationships -- gay or straight -- ever have a love like what I want?





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