The Death of a Dream

I don't know what that was all about yesterday. Today I'm some better, but a bit wiped out by it all.

Went to church and was surrounded by all my other queer brothers and sisters. I can't begin to explain the affirmation I receive when I'm in a group of people that knows all about me.....and they actually like me. They really like me....for being me. I don't have to hide. I also don't feel like a piece of "new" meat either. The guys are loving and gentle and kind. I feel that I can be real.

For the first time in my life.

GENUINE.

A bit overhwelming.

I went forward for communion today alone. The ministerial intern took her time.....and prayed for me in a way that I have never been prayed for before.

It was so profound....so personal....that I tear up when I think of it. I can't even share it with you, dear readers. But the message from her heart was sent by God. It was Him....at work.....and letting me know that I'm okay...and on the right path.

Another dear lady came up to me after church......hugged me....and asked if I were okay. She then gave me a bear hug and said, "We love you Frank. You're in the right place."

I had to leave and catch my breath. You see, I am such a sensitive man these days. It's as if someone looks at me funny I will tear up.

Where is all this internal emotion coming from? The sensitivity....the tears.....they pour by the gallons...down my cheeks......down my nose......during church.......in the car during rush hour.......in the garage at my office......behind the closed door of my office......as I walk at lunch time......EVERYWHERE!

I thinik this is the last gasp of emotion I have concerniong the demise of the awful relationship with LOVEY. I remember the wedding so vividly....the white tux.....the lace.....the excitement of a new life......the feelings of wholeness...completeness..... They've all died......and I'm mourning their loss.

And you know something? I have to go through all this. There's no detour....no bypass.....nothing to numb the pain. I just have to live with it. Process it.

You see, I don't want to "patch it up"...or have our relationship be renewed. I don't want anything from her.

I just want it over.

I want to move on.....move past the pain......

Be happy.

Live contentedly and quietly.

I need some successes. I need some good things to happen for me.

I need to take care of me.....big time. Not just endure me.

Dreams die hard.

Here come the tears again.