The Mystery That Is Lovey

Well, y'all.

I have a sense that all is not well in the land of Lovey. I can't seem to get away from it and it was confirmed by a flurry of email traffic that I received last Friday from her. I'm going to run the key passages here for you all to see. Then, let me know what you think. I'd be curious of your reads. This is a long post....because I've included so much....

I sense some things brewing here....and I'm not about to ask. After all, her issues are really none of my business. But still, knowing her as I do, and her use of the cryptic comments have me a twinge concerned. Here are the passages.

ME: I got the draft documents for the final decree in the mail yesterday. In the process of reviewing them. Just a reminder about the Vanguard account....see item Didn't want this to slip through the cracks. Also, I'd really like to have the lead crystal cross that I got at the men's retreat in 2004. Could you drop it off at your mom's the next time you're in? Many thanks.

HER: Thanks for the note. I am glad for the reminder about the Vanguard account - I will go ahead and take care of it once I am certain that have approved of the final documents. I will gladly bring the cross to you - I didn't remember where it had come from or whose it was. Is there anything else you can think of that I might have that you want? Also, do you think that after things have settled a bit, we might be able to get together and go through some of our boxes of photographs? (They may be in your possession, but I do consider them to be "ours".) Most of the time, we got duplicate sets of photos, so sharing them should not present a problem. I do want to make a scrapbook for each of our children at some point in time, and perhaps you'd like to help on that project (you could do some of the writing, incorporating the great letters you wrote while the girls were still in utero, I think). I think you have the letters there somewhere. Thanks, Frank.

ME: As my life settles, I do plan to scan all the photographs into one centralized location and merge them with the 15,000 or so digital images I have accumulated since 1998. Keep in mind that a lot of the duplicates we had were shared with other family members at the time....so your mother may have a lot of them already.....as does my parents. I also will provide you copies of any of the discs with the images so that you will have a full set of the entire library. I also plan to give sets of them to each of the kids. Currently I am working to transfer our collection of videotapes to DVD and will be glad to make copies for you of those as well. So, I have been quite busy. BTW...I've heard that I make you uncomfortable at family events. I'm sorry about this and it isn't and has never been my intent. I wish you nothing but the best in your new life. So at some point after things settle some....and we both continue to heal, I'd like to have a heart to heart talk about where we go from here..... If I make you and your family uncomfortable then I can back away. I just need to know the rules and/or the boundaries for future interractions with you or them, if any. Thanks.

HER: I would appreciate having a copy of any of the family footage you transfer. I am so sorry that #2(well meaning though she was) said anything to you about my discomfort. She caught me off-guard when she was home last and assumed that you would be coming to dinner with her to Mom's. It was not so much that I minded you joining us for diinner, but I wanted and needed some one-on-one time with #2, and I really didn't get it. I also want to be free to just be myself when I'm home, and I don't want to feel on edge or anticipate a comment I might not welcome at this time. I'm hyper-sensitive right now and feel raw and vulnerable - and I did not expect to at this point. I thought I would further along in the healing process, but I guess I'm not. Somewhere down the line, we'll talk. Meanwhile, let's just leave things as they have been. Thanks.

ME: Consider the video footage to be yours....just give me some time to get it together. #2 said nothing..... The comment about your discomfort came from #1 about a year ago....which took me by surprise. I guess I don't understand your comment about not feeling free to be yourself around your family when I'm present. After all, I've known you and the usual suspects for over 25 years. It seems to me that your comfortability should be greatly increased. But, then, what do I know? Going forward you know how to find me....While I have you....I was somewhat surprised by your decision to revert back to your maiden name given your email to me saying otherwise. I know it's none of my business.....but it seems like such a hassle to go through given everything else. I mean....your driver's license......your diploma.......blah...blah. ICK! I'm just glad I don't have to do anything like that.

HER: I'm much more of an introvert than I ever thought. It took me about 5 times as long to make a salad dressing at Easter (at Mom's) than it does at home - too many people interacting at the same time - it really about got to me. I do not plan to go back to my maiden name - it's just an option that I have and the permission comes with the final decree, but I don't have to take it. It's too much hassle (as you correctly pointed out), and besides, everyone knows me as Lovey, so I don't feel the need to change it. It' a good name, after all. If the comment about "my discomfort" came about a year ago, why did you just now raise it? Just curious. I can't explain why I feel the way I do, Frank. Sometimes it depends on what day it is. This is my issue, not yours. Don't try to read anything into it -I can't even do that. I'm glad you don't have to consider things like name changes and so forth -it's hard to even think about such things.

ME: The reason I brought up the discomfort issue is twofold: 1) It bothered me a lot and has continued to bother me all this time to the point of festering a bit and I'm working at relieving stressers and junk that festers me.....and 2)That dinner that we shared with #2 was the capstone.... I could sense your discomfort then. It's why I stayed to myself a lot....or spent time outside grilling. To be totally honest here....this is why when you and I are together these days, I generally don't speak unless spoken to.....for fear of upsetting you. This is also the reason I have turned down a number of invitations for the same reason -- I just couldn't see having fun or enjoying your family at your expense...plain and simple. I'm playing it low profile these days.......awaiting some direction as to what rules I need to play by. I want folks to be glad to see me -- not all tense or bent out of shape.
Life is just too short for such stress!

HER: It's good to bring up things before they fester, I do agree. I really wasn't so stressed with you at Mom's when #2 was in - I was just kind of tense in general, and it's a combination of things, but you are not to blame for it. Like I said, this is my issue, and I'm working on it. I think time will help.

ME: I took a course this week at the office that has been quite valuable to my professional development and personal development. I've already had several AWESOME experiences using the techniques offered. It's called "CRUCIAL COMMUNICATIONS." Very good course. I highly recommend the book. It has helped me to face down some festering-type issues....like this one. So, the best way is to confront it head on.....address it....and move on. Holding onto all this for a year has taken its toll....and so, I just decided to deal with it. Life can be just too much fun to allow stuff like this make it a wreck or a living hell. So, that's why I decided to raise the issue with you.

HER: I'm so sorry you held it in for a year. I too know what that's like on so many fronts - very unhealthy!

So, I have decided to "lay low" for a while. I'm not going to throw myself at her mother, even though she lives just down the block. I'm not going to push communications beyond what they are now. Besides, there is another man at Mom O'Lovey's table these days. His car is always there. And when Lovey is there, they are seated together. I think Mom O'Lovey is trying to push things a bit. But again, it's none of my business...and it is okay.

I'm just going to live my life and enjoy it and the peace and overall contentment that seem to be settling in at my house.

It's a GREAT feeling.