Life Continues...

Mom O'Lovey is home...and she is looking just as beautiful as ever. She is in good spirits and is planning to get better and working hard to follow all the instructions the doctors have said.

It's interesting to watch the family close ranks. Even my daughter is in on this. She gets all "testy" when I ask questions or say that I want to go visit. Yesterday she ordered me not to visit....but I decided I wanted to see Grandma. Everyone else had come by and I have sense enouogh to know not to wear out my welcome. The rest of them had been there all day.

So I made my appearance. Grandma greeted me warmly...and we visited. I am glad that I went.

I pray for the best....but given my parents' experience with Cancer, I am expecting the worst. I also am savoring every moment I can spend with her.


She is a dear lady.

A Reflection

It's kind of strange and the time has flown by. But do you realize I have been writing here for seven years? Seven long years?

Almost 900 posts?

Amazing.

And here I am still writing.

But the truly neat thing about this is that I can go back here and read some of those posts. I can remember the pain. I can remember the uncertainty. But I can see the phenomenal growth of where I've been.

It is truly amazing.

Although I am not where I'd like to be, which is settled into a nice loving relationship with another man...and not hooking up with FWBs, I see that I am much more comfortable with myself as a gay man. I've come out to a number of people. A number of unexpected people have come out to me. I've made a lot more friends.

Life is good.

I'm constanly trying to make it better.

The Perfect Man

It is no secret that old Frank here is hoping to find a special man or a mate one day.

A few things I keep in mind is that I am just me. There is no pretense. I am certainly no little twink looking for a sugar daddy. I'm not looking for a gym god or a man who looks like he just crawled away from a porn set in exhaustion.

Just a good guy will do. (This doesn't mean that I'm going to "settle" for anyone. I have some really high standards/expectations.)

I've had some interesting exchanges in the dating world with younger men who find me attractive. That kind of cracks me up. I mean...I am just me. From what they say, it just seems I am dripping with testosterone and sex appeal.

I want to giggle and say, "Who me?" The youngest man has been 19.

At 54, it just seems odd to be contemplating the dating scene with someone younger than your youngest child!

I've also dated some older guys. The oldest being in his early 80s...who drove a convertible with wrap around Ray Bans and snow white hair.

Realistically though, unless a phenomenal younger man wanders into my life and my hormones reach out and sing to his, I would be content with someone closer to my age give or take 10 years.

I've been warned by some of my friends that I should be especially aware of the takers that are rampant in the gay community. I would love to find a giver....a gentleman..., someone settled in his life, successful with a decent job. Someone not worried about anything other than enjoying each other's presence. Someone not looking for a fulltime live in immediately. Someone not already clearing the parking spot for my U-haul or awaiting the delivery of his crates at my townhouse in Virginia. Someone kind, spiritual, sensual and romantic. Someone not afraid to be romantic or do something dumb like sending me a romantic text message in the middle of the day. Someone who wouldn't mind a lunchtime quickie...or a weekend getaway. A man that would like to spend some time with me at my favorite haunts in Myrtle Beach SC all year round.

Someone willing to drive the Pacific Coast Highway from LA to San Francisco, CA and beyond. Someone to take a gay cruise. Someone to make love to and to be made love to by. Someone who could build a relationship with my kids and grandchildren and I, his. Someone interested in traveling back to my home state and meeting those relatives.

Someone to spend the rest of my life with.....and be willing to put time and effort into making a strong and healthy relationship. Someone to grow old with.

Someone to spend quiet evenings at home with.....or go to a movie.....or check out a museum....or a battlefield.....or the beach.....or a junk store.....or a classic car show.....or whatever.

Get the idea?

Well, old Frank here is open to a vairety of "types".....so if you know anyone in the DC metro area....point him in my direction.

I've been told I am a great catch.

I'm finally at the point where I have to agree!

A Very Long Day

I have had a very long snd stressful day here at my office overlooking a busy street here in Washington, D.C. Since I have approximately 45 minutes before I leave to go home and have a great dinner, I thought I would sit and write to all of you.

When I reread some of these posts I cringe. I know I made a pledge back at the beginning that said I would never try to gloss things over or airbrush myself. I certainly succeeded in that pledge. I honestly can't believe some of these postings.

I guess I could remove them, but you know....there may be some men out there undergoinig similar issues and in some way this might help them.

So I keep this blog intact.

I keep writing.

I keep sharing my deepest and darkest thoughts hopes and fears with all of you.

I really do appreciate your faithfulness at reading this. I can tell from the stats I see, there are a number of you who are a lot more faithful at reading all this than me at writing all this stuff.

I appreciate each of you tremendously.

I thank you for your comments....and your email.

So if you keep reading, I promise to keep writing.

Frank Gets into Deep Trouble! LOL!

Due to the hustle and bustle of the holidays, I forgot to share with you how I got into trouble with Lovey during Christmas. I found it all amusing. Still it was drama! LOL!

Mom O'Lovey made it clear very early that at the annual family Christmas feast, scheduled for Christmas Day that she wanted me to be there too. As I alluded to in an earlier post, she and I have grown very close to each other and since I live only three blocks from her, I am always dropping by to make sure she is okay.

Lovey also said she wanted me there -- for her own reasons. This was in order to meet her new beau -- a fellow member of the clergy.

Since Lovey was arriving on Christmas Eve, my daughrers decided to invite her and her mom up Christmas Day morning to enjoy breakfast, then return to their house in time to greet the reverend upon his arrival.

As luck would have it, Lovey wound up inviting him too because he was arriving at her mom's house much earlier than planned. She asked if I would mind him coming to breakfast...at my house. It sort of put me on the spot...but I thought, what the hell. I figured it would make me look bad if I didn't...so there was no other way to WIN!

WELL. The girls caught wind of their mom's plans....and got very indignant. They had not met this stranger...and were appalled that their mother would do this! So, by the time I went to bed on Christmas Eve.....it would just be my daughters and I on Christmas morning for breakfast...which worked out best.

Christmas Dinner arrived. Lovey and family were all nervous about the new beau and the EX (translated gay ex), attending the same soiree! Perhaps they thought I would convert him? Who knows? It was funny. I was so relaxed and could care less if Santa himself made a guest appearance.

(I have to confess, it wasw quite funny to find myself under the mistletoe with him at one point. LOL! I wondered what might happen if I had put a MERRY CHRISTMAS LIP LOCK on him right there in front of God and everyone else.

Following dinner and fascinating discussions about what all he had done in College for Jesus.....(my bible thumping brothers in law were captivated), it was time to open presents.

There was the family picture. I stood by my children....and seated in front of me was he and Lovey! Looking at the picture, he and she were seated butt cheek to butt cheek on the sofa! He is about 5'8" or 5'9"....and is roughly 10 years older than me which would make him 64! He has been married twice before and has one child that he is estranged from.

Fascinating.

I then took a ton of candid photographs.... I managed to take a couple of pictures of he and Lovey seated together. They were innocent pictures.....no labels indicating how hot they were...or how hot they considered each other to be.....or that they were an item. It was just two people at a Christmas Party.

I was asked to post the pictures on Facebook...which I did. They had been in place for two weeks when I got this very urgent email from Lovey asking me to jerk the ones of her and him enjoying the party down off the Web. I did. But for the life of me, I couldn't figure out what the sensitivity was surrounding them.

Her explanation was oddd....something about no one knowing their relationship. How they don't know where it is headed (after 6 years)....how their personal lives should be a secret from everyone....blah...blah.

However she was explicit. I was to keep the entire family picture intact. This is the one featuring Lovey and Beau seated butt cheek to butt cheek on the couch.

Go figure.

So I took the offensive pictures down.

Just now I had the same thing to happen with Mom O'Lovey. I posted a sweet picture of her in her hospital bed wearing a funny hat and requesting prayer for her......oh my ANOTHER STATE SECRET! So, I jerked that down.

So, I am just getting in trouble right and left.

This has taught me a valuable lesson. No matter how helpful I will attempt to be in posting pictures of that family to share them with other family members throughout the country, forget it!

It's a state secret!

My Week Got Worse: but for different reasons entirely!

When we last heard from Frank of Out of the Ashes, he was whining.

I mean REALLY whining!

Even though life can suck at times....and you feel sorry for yourself......and want to shout "Woe is me!", nothing prepared me for the turn my world took shortly after my last post.

As I went about my business, cleaning and trying to organize the mess known as Frank's House, my telephone rang. I picked it up and it was Mom O'Lovey.

She said that she had just gotten back that morning from a sleep study and when she awokee from a short nap, she had begun to spit up blood. Would I be willing to come and be with her as she tried to figure out what to do.

I zoomed down in my car.....and talked her into going to the emergency room. After spending 8 hours, we were told hat she had tumors in her chest. She is now in the hospital...will be there as they begin radiation to shrink the tumors. One is about to shut off airflow to a lung.

Scary stuff.

So, I am thinking about her. Please pray for her as much as you can. I have grown very fond of her...and love her dearly.

Will keep you posted.

A True Funk

Yesterday I was in a true, deep and dark funk.

It should not have been that way. It's no one's fault but my own.

Still I was in a funk -- an old fashioned funk. It has been quite sometime since I have experienced one at that magnitude. Not since the days of Lovey and I have I felt that way.

First off, the day was not the best weather wise. The metro area was blanketed in a deep, thick, fog. On top of this, add a gray misty blanket to it all and you can sense the kind of day it was.

It was also my dad's 80th birthday. I remembered his last birthday -- two years ago. The hospital bed. His struggle to live. I found myself there all over again.

Gosh I miss him. As I got ready for church, I found myself in tears. Crying about his loss.....crying about the loss of my mom.....the mourning of their lives...and how important they were to me.

I got myself together long enough to head to church.

Long years ago when I set up this blog, I vowed that I would always be authentic. This is not, nor will it ever be, a puff piece that makes me look good. This is meant to be a journal of my feelings...and of my journey...formerly in a straight marriage....now as a gay man.

So here goes.

I think I shared a long time ago that I had been involved with a married guy during the last 11 or 12 years of my marriage. Lovey had even provided her blessing on that, and pronounced that I had excellent taste in men. This relationship served as a great stabilizer and in the words of that guy's wife, we were truly good for each other.

Following my divorce, he came to me one day to announce:

"I love you enough to let you go. We are now out of sync. You deserve someone full-time to be your partner. I can't be this for you because I can't leave my wife or my family."

I was dumbstruck. I told him that no one expected him to leave his wife. I said that I was not expecting that. I wasn't even ready for anything full time. Can't we just keep going as we have been?"

He answered no....and that was that.

Finito!

12 yers down the tubes in one fell swoop.

So I got to experience the double whammy of losing my wife....and the man that I thought had been my soul mate.

Not long afterwards, my parents' illnesses took center stage and so I put myself on the backburner to deal with another day.

Yesterday I dealt with their loss some more.

I also had to deal with my former lover.

He and I go to the same gay church. We see each other periodically. He is still married. His wife and I remain Facebook friends. It's alway warm and affectionate when when he and I see each other at church. Even though the romance has been long gone....seeing him has always conjured up good feelings.

Some well-meaning friends of mine had said that they thought he was seeing someone else. They had observed him playing footsie during church with a fellow congregant, etc. I made no comment.....or any observation. After all, it's not my business.

But yesterday...I saw it all firsthand....and it just added to my feelings of sadness....and yes, of failure. My two familiar haunts were back. Sadness and failure.... Sadness over the deaths of my parents.....and my miserable track record of maintaining or heck even attracting a relationship.

There they were....all close....all touchy.....all affectionate.

But I suppose the thing that hurt the most is that the guy that my former lover is now seeing is not a married man. He is not in sync with him. He is a single..gay man. Just as I was when I got dumped.

Because I deserved someone full time.

So I ran to my dark places of feeling unwanted...and unloved. What was wrong with me? Why wasn't I good enough to maintain what we had going for all those years? Why not me?

After all these years....old familiar feelings returned. Oh, it's silly I know. It's really not about me. It's about him.

But it added to the funk....

Today is my off day. It is cold and dark.

The funk is still with me...but thank god it's not what it was yesterday.

A Strange Trip to WV

I just returned from a trip to my hometown in WV. It was so very strange on so many levels. I had one task to do, which was having a gas leak repaired at the house I inherited from my parents. It is another ghost of repairs past made by my well meaning father.

The thing that really bothered me this time came in the form of those silly telephone apps that I have on my telephone. These apps are ways to meet other gay men in close proximity to where your phone is. Well, while I was in WV, I began receiving messages from closely and apparently very horny gay men. They were horny gay married men.

That doesn't surprise me....because most of the gay men in that area are deeply closeted.

I just decided to chat some of these guys up. But I was surprised by what they were looking for.

They were direct and to the point.

They wanted to meet me for sex....unprotected, barebacking, penetrative, gay sex with me. When I asked, "Aren't you concerned about the fact that you know nothing about me....you know nothing of my sexual history.....I could be crawling alive with all manner of disease....and then when you penetrate me...you are exposed. Then you take it home to your wife!"

Their response floored me. They each said that they weren't concerned or that it didn't matter!!!

I gracefully declined their offers.

My goodness....if this happens in my relatively small hometown....is that the feeling in the majority of the population in major areas like where I live? It scared the heck out of me.

Don't they care at all about their wives?

Discussion with a Friend

I have a very good friend who is married to a woman and struggling with being gay. Sound familiar?

He is younger than me and lives in another state.

His wife found out about a year or so ago...and it has not been pretty. He really is struggling with things.

He travels much for his job. The type of men that float his boat are those who I identify as the exotic asian types. It strikes me that this is his ideal...yet, when he hooks up with one of those in another city, they treat him clinically. He has shared some emails with one guy in particular...and for all the feelings my friend had for this man -- well I was a bit taken aback by the tone of the email. It actually verged on the cusp of being cold. This was after my friend had spent several nights with him exchanging intimacy.

So my friend and I have been commiserating. I, with my Alex experience and he with his experience.

In the realm of the gay world, there probably isn't a man alive that doesn't have some type of a "perfect fantasy" guy in their head. Mine was always the muscular, massive chest, military type. But as I have journeyed towards acceptance of myself as a gay man, I realized that my fantasy and what actually was available did not always match up.

I had to make some concessions.

I also had to learn to accept myself and enjoy the man I have turned out to be. This self-acceptance and love for myself has gone such a long way in improving my self-esteem. I see it in my self-confidence. I even see it in my appearance and in photographs of myself. Other people notice it too!

I worry about my friend. He is at the stage where he appears to be fixated on his "type".

But someone who really cares may be under his nose and he just not see the forest for the trees.

I try to practice what I preach.

Lessons Learned

My experience with Alex taught me several things. It taught me just how important my friends are to me. It also taught me that it pays to be guarded with matters of the heart. Finally, it taught me that it is actually hard being gay.

At least in straight situations, the role models are firmly fixed. Society has put expectations on how those relationships are supposed to work. It also has set up various rituals or institutions to make sure they do work.

But gay relationships are fraught with all kinds of challenges. Not only do we have to seek out role models....that are not always easy to find, but due to the marginalization and abuse of gay people emotionally...physically...psychologically...well...gay folks potentially can bring a ston of baggage to a relationship -- some of it not even rational.

Alex made it known that he thought I was perfect. I was wonderful. The sun rose and set with me....and on and on and on and on.

So much so, that I had many red flags to go off in my head. I thought..."wow, if this man, that I don't know, can be this easily smitten by the likes of me...well, then he can fall out of love or whatever with me just as fast...or find someone else." Thus, I kept my guard up.

Totally.

So as I process all this...and hopefully one day meet someone with whom I can have a wonderful relationship....I have to wonder if what I look for really exists? I mean...I want a man that will care for me as much as I care for him. I want to matter to someone else. It would really be nice to be treated as number one in someone's heart and life for a change....rather than leftover...or pushed to the end of the line or just taken for granted.

I remember that while dating Lovey, she made it a point to tell me that her ministry would always come first. Dumb and naive me thought...well...I'll be occasionally number one. True love conquers all. Boy, was I wrong on that. In 25.5 years, I NEVER came first.

It may be unrealistic...but I won't settle for this ever again.

For the right man, I will move heaven and earth to be there for him. To honor him. To cherish him. To be there for him in good and bad times. To be there in sunshine and rain. To love unconditionally. To accept any shortcomings and not try and change him into the man that I want him to be.

Isn't this is what love and relationships are all about?

Or am I being Pollyanna?

Gay Male Dating Strangeness

At the men's retreat I recently attended, I was somewhat pleased with myself. I was actually dating a guy that I had met about two weeks before. We hit it off. We were enjoying our time together. We went to movies…..went to dinner…..went to lunch….had dates…. We were always in touch! He chose not to attend with me.....

BUT

The weekend of the retreat I was tremendously disturbed at his behavior….he grew silent….almost sullen. I could not reach him during my time at the hotel. Then when I returned home…and was able to talk to him again…..everything seemed ok. But the feeling nagged me. He was not pleased that I had friends….and that I was spending time that weekend with a whole nest of gay men.

I suppose he thought it was just one massive orgy.

We got that all straightened out. He seemed ok

Then last weekend, I went off to a Church Retreat with 25 other gay people….mostly women. We spoke via apple FACETIME…..and it just went down hill. He got really almost hateful….and controlling…..

It was clear that he did not really like that I have friends.

So I was forced to choose between this very special man….that I thought was "the one"….or my dear friends — the people in my life that are closer than family. In fact, I consider them to be my family. They have loved me for years…..they have encouraged me through my times of questioning….through my separation and awful divorce…..and the devastating illnesses of my parents and their subsequent deaths.

One week ago today he sent me an email to say I was disinvited from spending several days at his beach home last week. So, I responded, "You're right. I don't think I need to be there this week."

Nothing more.

My friends won out.

I spent 25.5 years in a controlling environment. Not going there again.

Just a bit wistful tonight and thought I'd share

Be Careful What You Ask For

For years now, as I write this blog, I have whined and gone on and on about my strong desire to have a man -- a boyfriend -- a partner -- a husband.  However you want to describe it.   So, back in late September, a man -- very close to my age, contacted me through one of those silly telephone apps on my IPhone.  One thing has led to another and I now find myself on the verge of a new adventure.  

And I am frightened.

Can you believe it?

You might be wondering what it is that has me so fearful.  Well, I guess when I think about it I see the ghosts of my previous relationships.  Namely that pesky longterm one I had with Lovey and you all know how successful that one turned out.

This man is a gentle spirit.  He is a giver.  He is sensitive.  He is so talented.  He travels in circles...and has many friends and I kind of shake my head and think sometimes that he is way out of my league.  He's been married twice.  His second wife was a minister in the United Methodist Church and graduated from the seminary that Lovey had worked at for so long.  

Our lives have tracked very closely on very similar paths...parallel through the years, until they finally intersected on September 26, 2012.

We like the same things.  He has no children.  I am only a few weeks older.  

And here we are.  I just don't want to do something wrong.  I feel such pressure.  

But there is another thing that bothers me.  

All the years I have searched for a special man....I spent a lot of time playing the field.  I know what I like.  I know the types of men I like.  I've been insatiable.  So, I question myself and wonder if I can really be monogamous...or will I suffer from what a lot of other gay men do.  

The desire for an open relationship.  Can I focus now on just one person?  (I think I can.)

Can I be faithful? (I think I can.)

Can I let my defenses down and learn to trust another human being after that terrible time period with Lovey?  When things I told her in private, suddenly became public knowledge for all to know and some of it was even used against me?  (I think I can.)

Can I let myself go and truly love again?  (I think I can.)

But I am afraid.  

Afraid of failure.

Afraid of commitment.

Afraid of being a disappointment.

Afraid of him and his circle being "out of my league."

What if I don't fit in?

What if I am not liked by "them?"

What if my kids don't like him? 

What if he does not like my kids?

What if his extended family do not like me?

I guess I will never know.

Unless I give it my best shot.

Thanks for your thoughts!

I have always loved the paintings of the late artist Steve Walker.  I found this video on YOU TUBE and thought I would share.  It speaks to me on so many levels.

Serious Reflection on My Experience

It has been a totally interesting week.

Last weekend I attended a men's retreat in Washington, DC at a really super hotel -- blocks away from the White House.  These are men who, for the most part, are still married to their wives, but are dealing with the revelation that they have determined they are gay or bisexual.  The majority of these men have told their wives of their desires or experiences and each man is working to navigate the appropriate path that works for them and their wife.

Now, I should caution each of you to remember that just because a group of 40 gay men gather together in a hotel for an official meeting that this is not some mass orgy of writhing flesh.  Cardinal rule #1 in being gay is that just because you know another gay man, it does not mean that automatically you are going to be bumping booties with him.

Sorry to say -- a lot of straight wives automatically "run there" when their husbands decide they want to attend one of these functions.

The Saturday session was emotionally draining for me.  I heard a number of what I consider to be horror stories.  I heard how some guys have been diagnosed with clinical depression.  It takes quite a bit of effort for them to motivate themselves to remain married.  The guys who are nagged to death and not permitted to have any male friends whatsoever because the spouse automatically expects that some sort of screwing around is taking place.

There are the spouses that start up another honeymoon period post disclosure as if sudden interest in straight sex will somehow purge the gay guy's mind of sex with his own gender.  This appears to quickly wane.

I remember back in the day when I was together with Lovey, I was always afraid to have friends.  I was afraid that Lovey would think that the only reason I was friends with someone was because I was trying to get inside his pants.  The best way to describe this is "guilt by association."

And I managed to sit through the stories for many hours on Saturday.  It became my turn soon to share my journey.  Although I must say mine has been painful -- added to that are the terminal illnesses of my parents and their subsequent deaths....and then I was forced to deal with that aftermath, at least now I can say I have seemingly emerged from the other side of that very dark tunnel.  While sharing though, it was as if I was back there again...circa 2005....feeling all the angst....unsurety....and depression all over again.

I was drained...and depressed.  It lasted until Monday or Tuesday.

While it was a good visit with my friends within the group, I must confess that I had an unexpected blessing to occur.  As I spoke to the men I mentioned writing this blog...and how I found it to be quite useful in dealing with the crumbling marriage.

At break, I had a man come up to me and say, "Frank, I heard you say that you write a blog.  Which one?  I told him OUT OF THE ASHES.

The man fell apart and cried....and told me that I would never know how much this blog had helped him in his journey!  I was shocked and blessed to know that my whining and feeling sorry for myself had somehow been a blessing to him...and that he felt it was quite useful.  I told him that I came to a point that I thought I might end it...and that of late there have been man slow periods...but it provided such good documentation on my journey, that I had decided to keep writing...and to leave the almost 900 posts intact.

So, I suppose I still have several new stories to tell.  I guess I will continue writing.

Hopefully you will continue to read this.

Flashback

It is Monday evening. This weekend I attended a gathering of married men who are married to women but either identify as gay or bisexual. It was a great group meeting. Almost 40 men were there. We got to socialize and become reacquainted. I got to spend time with guys I had not seen in 7 years. I also made a series of new friends. This was an awesome group. At the Saturday main session, each man was given the opportunity to share his story and his current situation. I was very moved by the other men. Some of them had really bad stories to tell. But when it came to me and I began summarizing my story, I suddenly found my mood had sunk to the levels of depression that I had experienced routinely circa 2005 or 2006 -- about the time I started this blog. I made it through my description. But I succeeded in spending the rest of my weekend and the majority of the day today has been in a very deep funk. It has been a long time since I have been to that place of profound sadness and depression. It was so bad hat I was bored at the local strip club I took a group of these men to. They had an exciting time....watching the young guys shaking all their kibbles and bits in their faces. But I was unmoved. It just seemed all so shallow to me. One of the men who came to the club with me was in his early 80s. He had a great time. He took his shirt off. He then touched the strippers in their permissable way....nothing above the knee or below the navel. But when he was running around the place and touching the men and seemingly in an almost religious trance, I could not help but notice that the guys were there to provide entertainment. But there was no special bond or connection that could lead to a relationship or intimacy. I suppose that I am now at the age where this is important to me. I suppose this is where my funk came in. All these men were like kids in a candy store over the weekend. They were gleeful about being away from home to be "gay for the weekend." What I think is that there is so much more to being gay than just looking at men 24/7. There is a whole lot more to me and to living than just being gay.

Is This Love?

Well, Alex and I are officially "dating." This is from his lips to my ears. We both are taking this very slow. But it feels so very good to be in his presence. I feel comforted. I feel safe. The feelings are all there. They are quite strong. I daydream about him. I light up when I see he is calling me. The time flies when I am in his presence. We marvel at how close our lives have tracked. We are the same age. We have been married to women. We were married to female Methodist ministers. We have so much in common it's a bit spooky. It feels like we have known each other forever. Yup...I think this is love.

Columbus Day

Happy Columbus Day you all. As I write this entry, I am sitting in the waiting room at a hospital. This is because I brought my daughter in law to have some really serious nasal surgery done. (She has no sinuses...so they are going to be built.) So, I thought I would use this time to write an update on all things Frank. It has been quite a busy year. My son got married. He was deployed to Afghanistan, where he currently is. My grandson arrived on the first year anniversary of my father's death. The hous in WV was emptied. We had a massive estate sale. The renovations were done. The house got rented. And now, I have met someone who could very well be the ONE. So 2012 has certainly been a very busy and interesting year. From a gay perspective, I have become a lot more settled with things. I am a lot more relaxed. I've come out to a few people...including to my daughter in law. I've experienced nothing negative or any negative response in the least. So far, life is good.

It Appears To Have Finally Happened!

A man has entered into Frank's life. Oh, don't get me wrong.  I have tons of male friends.  I have had a million crushes.  I have played the dating game on many occasions -- only to have had my heart broken in the end. This is WAY different. After I took care of my parents' house and all its renovations, then got it rented.  After going through probate.  After having a very painful liquidation sale of their belongins.

After all this....and all the other stuff I have been through for many, many years, I decided to do something solely for me for a change.

I decided to cast the net far and wide to see if I could finally land someone "special."

By special, I mean someone to actually love.  Someone that I would know is thinking about me.  Another man on the planet who wants and has an emotional connection with me, "Mr. Out of the Ashes."

So I placed several ads in cyber space that explained my situation and what I was looking for.  I got lots of weird responses.  One man wanted my dirty underwear shipped to him.  Another wanted to date me but because I am very busy, he accused me of searching for something (yeah, I was), and that he hoped I find it. (Clearly it wasn't him...he didn't get it.)  He hung up on me.

Other men that I found were of a similar vein.  Or they expressed interest and never did anything about it.  Or others talked the talk...got what they wanted...never to be heard from again.  

So this past Wednesday morning I get a brief message from a guy on one of those sillly phone apps.  It said, "Hi.  Similar journey, live in Rehoboth, but work in Monday - Wednesday.  Top bottom ... it's really about passion and connecting for me at this time in my life.  Enjoy the great Setpember weather."

This began what is promising to be a wonderful relationship.  We are proceeding slowly...but we are both exceedingly taken with each other.

We've met in person.  We spent two hours talking about everything.  He is well known in certain circles.  He is quite artistic and in great demand.  But he is unassuming.  He was married to a female minister for a number of years.  She was older than him.  (Sound familiar?)  No kids or grandkids.  

We've been using technology to our advantage.  We speak several times per day via phone.  In the evening we spend time chatting via the MAC "FaceTime" application.  We are going on a dinner date on Monday evening.

There has been quite a change in me.  Folks have noticed.  He and I are almost identical in ages.  

It's good.

My heart flutters.

I believe this is the guy I have been looking for.

Keep your fingers crossed all.

Life Continues...

 Goodness!  It has been forever since I posted last.

I apologize for neglecting you all summer long.  But it has been very busy between trying to finish up my parents' estate, nursing my sick dog, and then having some work done on my house.  Additionally I have been able to get my childhood home rented.  So this has alleviated quite a bit of stress off my mind.

A few weeks ago, my dog finallly succumbed to the cancer that had been ravaging his little body.  It is not quite the same without him here.  But I have determined that I will not have another animal.  They take a lot of work and with my wacky schedule, it is not fair to have it spend the majority of its day alone in my house without human contact.

What else has been happening with me?

Well, I am trying to figure out me in general.  While in caregiving mode for so long, I neglected me.  I lost me in the process.  So now it is my time.

I have opened myself up to dating lots of new people.

This experience has uncovered a seamy underside of gay life that I find really troubling.  I think that gay people as a whole have had to hide for so long....and they have been marginalized or deemed as pariahs for such a long time, many are scarred.  They cart around more baggage than the average person.

I made friends with a couple of gay men on my summer vacation.  One is still married to a woman and he lives in terror of his wife finding out.  Man #2 told me about the physical and psychological abuse that he suffered from his partner 20 years ago....and how his family mistreated him too.  He finally turned to alcohol, drugs and a fast life that led him to crashing and burning.  It left him shattered and he was utterly afraid of people.

Both marveled that I was able to just start a conversation with anyone.  The server at the restaurant....the lifeguard......people in the pool.....  These are things that I have had to work on as I negotiated the trip from married "straight" man to gay single man.

They don't know the work that I had to do in order to feel totally at ease with myself and how I had to break down the barriers in my own mind in order to reach out and just make friends.

Still there they were.  And here I was.  I gave them unconditional acceptance....let them talk....and they seemed like very dry sponges.

Another man, a fireman, told me about the childhood sexual abuse he went through as a teenager.  The Ph D who told me about the rape he suffered 15 years ago that left him with PTSD....and alcoholism.

I am totally amazed that for all the negativity I had to experience, nothing ever rose to the level of trauma these men experienced.

But I am shocked at the viciousness of gay people.  If I had thin skin I probably would have taken my marbles and gone home ages ago.  For example:

There's the guy that answered one of my dating ads.  He looked fine....seemed nice....we scheduled a date....and the more he talked...the more I lost the "magic."  He was unemployed.  He had three children that he is estranged from.  One of them is homeless....and he hasn't done anything to try and help him.   After our date....he wrote to say he didn't feel the magic with me...which is fine.  But when I thanked him for telling me that....and that I hadn't either...he got mad and hateful.

Yet another man, who kept sending me all kinds of notes....and his phone number....got mad when he thought I didn't call him like he should.  (My world does not revolve around the dating sites.)  Finally when I was able to schedule some time for him...he accused me of being at a difference place than he and that I should not call.  I simply responded.  OK.

Then there was the man who sent me the nasty gram that told me that my ad was DELUSIONAL.  He said I had NO RIGHT to be on the site.  BLAH>>>BLAH.

Finally, on another one of those sites (I cast my net broadly) I happened to comment on how well done a particular ad was written.  He responded that "I AM NOT INTERESTED AND I AM NOT LOOKING!!!"  (Well then why is he on a dating site?)  I said in response, "I am just giving you a compliment not asking you to marry me.")  His response?  "GOOD!  NOW LEAVE ME ALONE!"

So, old Frank is still here....still believing that there is love....and monogamy in the gay male dating world.

Perhaps I am delusional.

Dating Again

It has been a while since I concentrated on "dating." I've just sort of taken things as they come....and if a man expresses interest on some level, then I will go out and share a meal...and get a sense of the type of man he is. Most of the time, I just go home...and am a bit disappointed at the result. So, I've taken things into my own hands and gotten out more. I've put myself out where the gay guys are. I've even posted my profile on some of those dating sites with very mixed results. In other words, I am not smitten....and ready to jump into bed or run to the altar with anyone. It used to be that I was fixated on getting my rocks off. That's not a very good confession is it? But, it was a distinct part of my sexual development. I spent much time pursuing the physical. Don't get me wrong, it was pleasurable. I got to know some super sweet men in the process...some of whom are very dear friends. But, alas, they are not what I am looking for. That slow burn....and those "feelings"...just have not occurred. So, are my standards too high? I recently posted the following ad on one of those sites: SWM, relationship-builder, 54, six feet two inches, two twenty five pounds, looking for a friendship that can potentially catch fire and turn into something special. Not into the "scene". No fast hookups. Into classic cars, old and new movies, photography, junk stores, antiques, flea markets, romance (I love being pursued), weekend getaways, Christian with a strong faith. Laid back, easygoing, low maintenance, drama-free. Tremendously affectionate! Love to touch. Hold hands. Kiss n cuddle. When it comes to sex....not into mechanical piston action. Looking for that intense and slow burn of something magical -- lovemaking. While sex is important....this is not my primary goal in placing this ad. Looking for a caucasian that is willing to explore a serious connection. Age range I am thinking of is thirties to sixties. If any of this resonates, drop me a note. Tell me about you. Send a face pic. PLEASE...no naked pics. I am no collector...it does help to see who I'm chatting with. I have a few face pics I too can share in return. If you're one of those mindless game players, move on. I'm seriously looking and hope that you are too. So, one of those early posts came from a guy that included a picture of him with his pants down, face a bit concealed. I knew from the moment he posted, this was not going to work out. He was my age. He likes to cook. He apologized for the picture but said it was the only picture he had of his face. (Really?) He was looking for friendship...and possibly more with the right guy. With some trepidation, I responded. I sent him a clear face shot.....with my gray hair blowing in the wind. The next day he responded with: "Thanks for the additional information. There will be no further communication with you." THWACK........ Felt like I had been hit up the side of the head with a 2 x 4. But I am old enough to know that one should not take any of this seriously. Clearly he was not as much into friendship as he tried to say he was. If you're really into friends, you aren't driven by inner lust or attraction. A friend is a friend. A mate is a mate. If you're lucky in life, you get one in the same. I have heard from married men.... I have heard from partnered men who aren't having sex with their partners because each one is consumed with guilt....one with catholic guilt....and the other with pentecostal guilt. (God bless religion.) I have heard from men who say they want me to pee on them. I have heard from men who want me to fist them. I have heard from men who want to "do me" while dressed in wig....high heels.....and panties. Er ummm.....all from my little ad above. Whatever happened to the normal...sane....good guys? The ones who are wanting to meet a real man....to build a relationship with. To forge a connection. To work on something long-term? I attended the DC Pride Festival today. I arrived feeling festive....but by the time I had circled the even two or three times...I was feeling kind of sad. There were some awfully attractive looking guys....walking around and holding hands with other attractive looking guys. There were even some attractive guys wandering around with some relatively unattractive guys....but they seemed awfully happy. Kind of made me wonder...am I that awful to look at? Why can't I find someone? Do you think it will happen for old Frank here? I'm not totally discouraged. These things take time I know. But gosh...you're gonna see one awfully gosh darn happy man here when it happens!

Musings from a Hotel Room in WV

Hey there.  As I write this I am in a hotel room in my hometown.  It sure feels bizarre to be in your hometown, but staying in a hotel.  

My parents' home has been totally and continues to be renovated.  It's looking great.  My new tenant moves in July 1st.  Who would have ever believed that I would become a landlord to someone!   But I will become that in July...which will mean that my house will cease being the money pit it has been.  Yay!

Once this is completed, I can begin to focus on me a bit more.  As you, who have followed this blog may remember, I have had quite a ride in the last few years.  It's kind of hard or at least counterintuitive to me to even think of myself or my needs.  I'm always used to taking care of everyone else.  Making sure they are comfortable.  

I guess what I am trying to say is that I have been in caregiver mode for my now former wife....my children....then my parents.  As with everything in life, things change...and here I am with a divorce under my belt -- and you all know how bad that was; my kids are all grown and building lives of their own; and, my parents are both now deceased.  

Many have counseled me to take care of myself.  To be kind to myself.  To be gentle with myself.  I am trying to heed their advice.   It's just kind of hard to figure out what this actually means.

So I move slowly.  I begin to look at various and sundry offers and wonder...do I really want to do that?  or do I want to purchase that? or take the ultimate "What's in this for me?" approach.

It all seems so selfish....so self-centered.  But gosh..here I am.

I have also pondered the gay thing.  It seems like it may be percolating but on the back burner.  I have way more other things to worry about.  I mean, in the next few weeks I will become an official grandfather.  Can you believe that?  

But here I am!  I am truly sad that my parents have just missed their first great grand baby.   It is unreal.

Had an interesting time here while I have moved a few pieces of furniture from the house here into storage.  For so long, I felt as though I had no friends...or that I didn't make friends very easy.  I think in one of my very early posts here, I told you that one day I woke up and realized I had no friends...and that I had to actively pursue this.  (I perceived that all my friends had sided with Lovey.)

Here so many years later...the shyness I thought I had has vanished!  My Facebook page continues to gather friends....  As of this writing I have over 730 friends there!  No, I am not a Facebook whore....just to get my numbers up.  But these are all people that I know...and genuinely have in my life as friends.

It is very amazing to me.

When I meet people, I seem to click with them and they with me.  I am still somewhat shocked that they want to spend time with me.  or that they like me.....  Truly like me.  

On this trip, I have gotten to be really close with the contractor who is doing my renovations at the house. He is totally straight...but there is a bond between him and I that I can't really explain.  We've spent much time together.  He helped me by hauling the stuff to the storage locker.  I made mention of my family reunion that I was going to yesterday.  He said he wanted to go too!  He loves doing stuff like that...and since he likes me he wants to see my world.  So he made arrangements with his girlfriend to go hangout with Frank for the day.

On the way home, he kept telling me how much he enjoyed spending time with me.  

Who knew?  

I am at least 13 years older than him!

So the big mystery of life that I have learned is that the key to relationships is to be authentically you.  Don't try and be something you're not.  Just be yourself.  In my case it means to relax....allow my wacky sense of humor to shine through....let others see my compassion.....my love....my gentleness..my sensitivity shine through.  I have also learned that if they see glimmers of the gay shining through.....well...so be it.

I have wasted so much time and energy trying to appear straight.....to hide the gay part....to pray the gay away.  During that time I truly must have appeared to be some sort of weirdo...  Probably very stiff and distant.  Gosh as I think about this now...I wouldn't have wanted to be around me then either.

So, it's almost 8 am.  I'm still in bed.  I have several things to do here in WV before I hit the road home to Alexandria.

I must be doing some better because I totally forgot the 5th anniversary of when my divorce became final, at the end of May.  In a few more days we will sail past the 7th anniversary of the separation.  Will probably miss that one too.

So I am alive and well.  I'm pretty happy as I navigate my "new normal" life.  

Can you believe this?  

It has been a long journey....and a long time since I have been able to say that I am happy....and content.

The time is approaching for me to turn the page and begin the next chapter of my life.

I hope you will continue to be a part of this!

hen.