Bedtime

This day is over!

And, boy, am I glad! It has been an odd one. I've felt like crying all day long.

Then, at dinner time......I got a colossal migraine headache. I believe this was my problem...brewing the past couple of days.

No, I'm not just one of those people who get a run-of-the-mill headache, and because it hurts, it's called a migraine. I've actually been diagnosed by a neurologist as having migraines.

It has been a few years since I've had one of this magnitude. Arcs of blue lights.....incredible pain.......exacerbated by noise......bright light......the works. As a matter of fact, the light from the computer screen bothers me and makes me have to squint!

This is the first one I've suffered when I've been totally alone....and it's a bit scary.

In times gone by, I've had family present who sort of stood watch over me.

Not tonight....

I'm alone, with my dog of course.

I've taken some meds...and laid quietly in my rec room on the couch.....eyes closed...in silence.... The only audible sound was that of my dog snoring next to me on the chair.

My meds are kicking in....the pain is lessening a degree......and already I can tell that whatever that mood was that I've had for two full days has passed.

Odd.

Mid-Day Update

I'm still feeling out of sorts.

I spent a couple of hours doing errands and hoping that wandering through some stores and going for a walk would clear my mind and help me to feel better, but it didn't work. I'm still the "sad creature" that I was earlier today and yesterday afternoon.

I hate periods like this. It feels like I'm lost in a deep, dark wildnerness that I'm never going to recover from. Those familiar weeds of loneliness and self loathing are flourishing. In some ways it would be so easier if I were a straight divorced man.

But I'm not!

So I need to cope.

As I've done a million times before.

This is just another day.

Why Bother?

It's another cold and gloomy day here in the Washington, DC metro area. I've been trying to get caught up on some stuff here around the house -- I'm off today.

My mood is still in the pits. I did sleep well. My dog has been excellent company. But nothing has happened to improve my spirits.

I haven't been this blue in months. So I guess this serves as the ultimate reality check. I guess we can't be happy and excited all the time.

No one has called me, other than the president of my homeowners association to do some stuff for her. I'm having lunch with a friend at a nearby Wendy's in a little while.

I find myself wanting to go back to bed and covering up from head to toe. Why bother to get up? Why bother to do anything?

The pity party continues.....

Late Sunday Night

It's late on Sunday night and I am in a deep, dark place.

Where did all this come from? Why am I like this?

Is it a biological/chemical thing that my body is going through? Is it the weather? Is it because I'm outted now to Mr. Bodybuilder? Is it because I have such a BIG crush on the mystery man at church and down deep I know it cannot develop into anything because he is partnered?

I hate this.

After I got in so late this evening from my friend's house and seeing his beautiful granddaughter, I found that emotionallly I was quite drained. I just curled up in my rec room with my dog and watched two gay themed movies on the LOGO TV network. Both were romantic comedies involving gay couples.

It lifted my spirits.

Then I watched an old aircraft carrier get sunk as an artificial reef on the Discovery Channel.

It doesn't take much to amuse me.

Perhaps my problem is that I'm just throwing myself one gigantic pity party. I'm feeling old. I'm feeling fat. I'm feeling undesireable. I'm feeling quite alone.

Do you suppose that this is as good as it will get for me as I grow older?

Sobering Thoughts

I feel all out of sorts today.

This morning as I went to church, I just felt so alone. I got to church early....and as luck would have it, the hunky guy that I have the crush on was getting out of his car too -- alone.

He smiled and waved.

I smiled and waved back.

As we approached each other.....he threw open his arms.......and I met hime with a big bear hug. He addressed me by name....(He knows my name at least!).....and as we embraced....he held me for just a little longer than a normal hetero-gay hug of two seconds.

Just then, as things seemed to get interesting, his cell phone rang. Something urgent had popped up....and he had to leave -- long before church started. I felt sad...that at least I couldn't sit and at least admire him during the service...discreetly.

I turned to open the front door of the church. He saw me....and ran up and gave me another hug! He told me that he'd like to go to dinner sometime. I told him that I would like that too.

I allowed my hand to linger on his left shoulder....and I gave it a gentle squeeze.

Was that too brazen?

With that he ran to his car and was gone! He turned once more and smiled.

I smiled back.

Church was good. I still felt a bit odd. After lunch I went to visit with a close friend and to meet his new grand daughter. Oh goodness....I'm now at the stage where contemporaries are now grandparents.

Then, as I drove home from his house....I heard from my daughter in Nashville. Mr. Bodybuilder has now told her that he is "in love with her." They are spending much more time together. Things are heating up.

It's only a matter of time before the proposal comes. Another sign that I'm getting older.

Then the clincher. She has outted me to him.... She says "it's okay."

But, I find that the disclosure of the gay thing to someone who may be another part of my family has hit me wrong....today. Especially today when I was feeling odd to begin with.

Oddly, I feel tremendous sadness.

Why?

GAMMA

I went to one of my support groups on Friday evening.

GAMMA is the Gay and Married Men's Support Group here in the Washington, D.C. area that meets twice a month in a church in downtown. It's one of those groups that you can be a part of and then as your circumstances change, you can still keep contact with and be just as active as you want to be.

I've been a member of this organization for over 20 years and through that time I've made lots of friends -- men, who like me, were caught up in straight marriages and who were also struggling with the gay issue. I've served as facillitator on many occasions. It's a great group.

This past week, we discussed the topic of being authentic, having closed-loop relationships, the energy it takes to maintain two primary relationships, and just the overall struggle of living a gay life.

All this weekend I've reflected on the meeting.

I've also thought about the gay thing. What does it actually mean to be gay?

For me, it means that I have the innate ability to love another member of my gender completely....unreservedly....passionately.....emotionally...

Most folks like to emphasize the sexual aspect of it.

Well, surely that's a part of it. I mean, I can envision being intimate with a guy and not have my stomach turn because of it. I'm not repelled by the thought of it.

To me, this is as natural as breathing.....or sipping soda through a straw.

Being gay is as much a part of me and as "normal" as walking....or learning to talk -- you don't remember the date and time you began doing those things...it's something you began doing unconconsciously and now it is a part of who you are. It's part of the fiber of growing.

The only difference between these things and being gay is that society never said that walking was abnormal. Learning to talk did not generate snide comments or rude stares.....or get you bashed. Sipping soda through a straw does not earn you the honor of having a James Dobson or a Pat Robertson throwing the Bible at you....or hurl insults at you and blame you for the decline of western civilization.

No, you're just left to breath, to walk, to talk and to sip your soda through a straw. No one cares....these are all acceptable behaviors.

So, when will it become acceptable behavior for me to be able to love another man?

Why do people equate that behavior with weakness or being accused of being "less than a man?"

How does loving someone.....ANYONE.......make you evil? Sinful? Worthy of death?

I don't get it.

I don't want to get it.

I just long for the day that a special man comes into my life. Someone who will love me with everything he has.....and who will treat me as his number one priority. A man that is not afraid to commit and be monogamous. Someone that will be there for me.

I, in return, want someone to love with everything I have....that I can treat as my number one priority. I am not afraid of the words commitment and be monogamy.... I am not afraid to be there for another guy....for the long haul.

It's sad....but I'm beginning to wonder if another such a man exists. Being gay is difficult enough,,,with all of society's perceptions and expectations it hurls at us. Coupled with the visciousness and deception that lies in the gay world.....and the lack of established boundaries, well, it makes a boring, average guy like me wonder.

Bear with me.....I'm a bit misty today......and full of longing.

A Quick Note to My Readers

Take a quick look at the blogs I have linked to. I've removed two dead links and linked to two new blogs that have somehow found me! I've checked them out and they are worth checking out. They are: "I'm Gay. I'm Christian. Deal with it." and "My Hetero Gay Life." Check 'em out!

I'll be back shortly.

Thanks for your continued support and words of encouragement.

It's nice to know that I'm still helping people.

The REAL Me: Warts and All

I have said many times here that the purpose of this blog is for me to put down my thoughts...pure and unvarnished. Not edited or airbrushed to make me look my best.

I'm gay.

I'm divorced.

I've had issues.

AND, I still have more issues to deal with than TIME magazine!

So, I'm struggling at the moment with a trivial issue.

Here goes:

I'm working on throwing myself a smashing 50th Birthday Party! The date is May 3rd (my birthday is actually May 1st). I'm gonna have an open house beginning at noon and lasting until 5:00.

So far the guest list will total nearly 100 people -- gay and straight. It's going to be a rather symbolic affair for me. It's the official kickoff of my brand new and happy life. It's the beginning of the second half of my life. It's also the start of more fun in my life. I will be surrounded by some old friends who have stuck by my side during my awful period. I'll have a host of friends from my office. I'll have my "gang" from church.

It's going to be quite an affair.

It will be at MY house. MY house will look like a million bucks because I'm going to work my hardest between now and then to have everything clean and organized.

A couple of my children may be there.

My parents are coming. Maybe more of my relatives will show too.

So, what's the "issue"?

Last September on our way down to see the Marine off to Iraq, Lovey made a point of saying that this is going to be the year of my 50th Birthday. "If you have something," she said, "I hope you'll remember to include me."

Now, this is the woman who threw quite a bash for herself on her 50th. She wrestled control of it from me....(we were still married then). She issued invitations that read more like an obitiuary. She didn't acknowledge my 49th in any way, shape or form.

But she said she wants to be invited to my 50th.

As an after thought, she said: "Darn, that week I'll be out of town for General Conference so I won't be able to come."

Last week she said that her plans had changed and that she wasn't going to the General Conference after all, "So, I'll be around," she announced.

Hint. Hint.

The issue really is, do I want her there?

Each of the kids don't think I should.

If I don't I'll never hear the end of it.

Down deep....there is a part of me that wants her there.....just to let her know that I've got a good life now. I have friends. I have a beautiful home. I'm okay and I've settled nicely.

There is life after LOVEY!

For once, I'd like to rub her nose in it.

Isn't that awful?

I told you that this blog is unvarnished and you're seeing the evil Frank at work.

What to do?

A Beautiful Day to Count All My Blessings

It's a beautiful spring day here in the nation's capital.

The Cherry Trees are beginning to blossom. The sun is shining. Puffy white clouds are gently floating by.

It's lunchtime.

I've had a busy day.

But I'm not too busy to pause and to count my blessings.

So many people have not understood why I've been going through so much angst as a result of the breakup of my marriage. They see me as being a gay person who is finally able to experience the joy of being ME and being true to myself. They think that I should just suck it up and move on.

"Get over it," they say.

But it has been so very hard.

I'm a bit slow sometimes in processing major events. Especially big and bad major events.

Divorce is one of these.

I've had to deal with insecurities that were exposed as my life has been totally plucked up by the rootss. I've been overwhelmed by decisions -- major decisions about how to live my life -- about my house -- about my job -- about my children -- about my health.

All of this has been so very overwhelming.

I've been affected to the core of my very being.

The pain, at times, has been almost intolerable. There wasn't a pill I could take to lessen it or to make it go away. I couldn't avoid it. I couldn't pretend it didn't exist.

I didn't have the strength to "suck it up" or to "get a grip."

Those familiar feelings of failure nearly strangled the life out of me. Oh my life was so empty!

I felt suffocated with loneliness.

It's been nearly three years of gloom and doom.

Somehow I kept making steps. Giant steps some days -- baby steps others. Overall, I kept moving forward.

One day though, things changed. I don't know the date. I don't know the time.

I turned, and suddenly life didn't look so gray. The pain was gone. Poof! The insecurities vanished. The Old Frank began resurfacing in the neatest ways. Decisions came easier.

I suddenly realized that I've survived. I didn't just survive, I survived well.

I have my home. I have my dog. I have things that make me happy. I've made good, kind, and dear friends who love me.

Most of all, each passing day takes me further and further from those painful days of separation and of divorce....of harsh words....of sadness....and of loneliness and of worrying about my being gay.

I'm developing a good life. One that has healed.

Oh, there are scars. But I believe they will fade eventually. They've already begun to do so.

Yes, I'm counting my blessings -- there are so many.

March 25, 1966

Forty-two years ago today, I experienced death in a very personal way.

Five months before then, my StepGrandfather Maynard died. He didn’t really count because he wasn’t truly a part of my life. I only saw him occasionally and the week before his death he had yelled at me for something really silly. At the tender age of 7, it hurt my feelings, and he never had a chance to make amends.

He was old and cranky.

I was young and fully of life.

There was a clash.

Naturally so.

One year before that, my Great Aunt Della died. The year was 1964. She was a gentle loving soul. My memories of her are just as fleeting as those of my step grandfather. The last time I saw her was through the back window of our beige Ford Fairlane – waving and smiling. Still, for those pleasant memories, she was also not truly a part of my life.

Forty-two years ago today, death came to me very personally and profoundly.

My parents had hired a live-in babysitter circa 1960 to help take care of me until I “grew up”. She was an elderly lady in her seventies, who spent her time totally spoiling me.

I’m very fortunate to have turned into the man that I have become….normally folks so spoiled grow up to be miserable creatures who only think of themselves.

For whatever reason, the exact opposite has happened in me…I have always been concerned with others.

She and I spent much time at the local amusement park in the summer. We would take long walks throughout my neighborhood. I learned everyone’s name by heart.

In the downtown area where I lived, there were several old time elegant hotels – no longer there – where we would go to the lobby and sit to escape the summer heat.

During two consecutive years in the early 1960s, my town hosted the Miss USA Pageant. On one of our jaunts those years downtown, we got to see some of the contestants modeling swimsuits. I even got to see some “big name” celebrities who had come to town to be a part of those festivities.

Yes, my babysitter was my constant companion. We were quite close….because we had spent so much time together.

Forty-two years ago today, she died.

She was 78 years old.

A life ended.

I wonder if anyone else has remembered her lately?

Thoughts on Growing Older

Although Easter was day before yesterday, I can now say that my holiday was complete: I actually got to spend it with my youngest daughter, I spoke to my eldest daughter in El Salvador, and today I got an e-mail from the boy in Iraq. Of course, he is now working another long distance deal which requires his dear ole dad to do something!

This time he has decided to sell his Lincoln…which is currently parked in NC at Camp Lejeune. I now have to go to the O’Lovey’s house and go through his footlocker that we brought back when he left. Hopefully that title is there.

I told him that he should not part with that title until he had a certified check for the amount he’s selling the car for. But, what do I know? I’m just the dad.

Still, I’m thrilled to not just be a dad, but I’m ecstatic about being these three marvelous individuals’ dad!

They each have their unique talents and strengths. And, just like everyone else, they have their own unique flaws.

Still I love them deeply….and fiercely.

I spent a lot of time talking to #2 about her beau, Mr. Bodybuilder. Her feelings for him have grown exponentially since they began dating about a month ago.

I do declare…

The more I hear of this young man, the better I like him….and the more I feel a fatherly fondness of him. He makes my little girl beam. He makes her smile. He makes her feel protected.

These are all things I used to do.

It’s just another indication of the new role I am now finding myself in. I’m older. Soon I could very well be a grandfather to someone.

I’ve often learned from my life experience and made determinations of how not to be….hot not to behave…..how not to treat others.

As my children marry and begin their lives as wives, husbands, mothers or dads, I want to look upon their spouses as gained kids. I want to be able to love them just as fiercely as I do my own flesh and blood…..I don’t want to be their buddy……I want them to look upon me as their second dad. Someone that they can turn to…..someone that will love them unconditionally. Someone that will be there.

You see, I never had that from Dad O’Lovey. He was cold and prickly…..arrogant and aloof and, well, intimidating.

I never want to be any of those things.

Back Home!

It is so good to be back home again.

I love spending time with my parents and one of my children -- ALWAYS, but...I do enjoy the satisfaction of being back at my house...where I can enjoy the overall solitude of just being here and relaxing.

While on this trip, and since my daughter is working on my 50th Birthday Celebration, I went through Mom's old picture albums and came across some colossal pictures from long, long ago. I scanned a few and will put together a multimedia-presentation that I can have running in the back ground for those who are interested in seeing it!

Just for fun...and the fact, I'm tired from having been on the road for 7.5 hours with my dog, I'm not feeling like writing much. So, in lieu of an epistle and because they say that a picture is worth 1,000 words...here is a picture of yours truly. Yup...it's FRANK....doing a pre-John Travolta, John Travolta imitation....LOL.

Now before you think I'm running pictures of kiddie porn....that down there by my thigh is a misplaced pacifier....not what you may think it is!

The picture is from 1958!

Greetings From WV & Happy Easter!

I am so happy to be here with my parents and my daughter from Nashville. Currently, she and I are sitting in Panera Bread near Huntington, WV taking advantage of their Internet Service. Thank God for technology.

It's been fun to be with #2 this trip. She is so very excited about her new beau, Mr. Body Builder. I must say, the more I hear about this boy, I am very impressed and get nothing but excellent vibes about him and her.

I suppose all those prayers that I have prayed throughout the years are being answered.

You see, from the day my children have been born, I spent much time at night....when everyone else was asleep....praying for my children's mates. I didn't know who they were or where they lived....or for that matter, what gender they would be. All I did was to pray that they would find the perfect mate....and that they would know it when they found it. I asked for mates of quality....I asked for sensitivity that they might be aware of the person when they crossed paths with there mates.....and so far, this appears to be the first one to appear in the life of my daughter.

I am encouraged...and excited to meet this young man. He has certainly made my little girl smile...a whole lot.

God is certainly kind to us....and even when we feel like personal failures I like the way He gives me little glimmers of sunshine that I was not so wrong after all.

Happy Easter to each of you!

My 500th Post!

Well, this is my 500th post you all!

When I started this blog, I wondered if I would have anything to write about. AND...two years later, I'm here at #500. It's simply unreal.

Sometimes I have suffered from writer's block and I took several days off. At other times I've had to be away from the computer and I couldn't write when I wanted to. Then there were those times when I wrote several posts in one day. It all just depends on what's happening in my life on a given day and what I feel like writing about.

Today I'm worried about a new friend of mine that I met recently at PFLAG. He's a very young man from another country who has come here to get a job and to also get away from the pressure and questions his family ask about his not being married yet. He's gay and he's afraid to tell those who are close to him.

As he shared his story at PFLAG, tears rolled down his cheeks and his voice quivered.

I felt very sorry for him.

He called me later on that evening to talk about some more issues, but I didn't get the message until late. By the time I tried calling him back, the people who answered the line knew of know one by the name he had given....and so I pretended that I had called a wrong number.

So I'm thinking about this young man this evening. He's frightened and alone.

There are so many like that in this country. They don't know where to turn. Heck, I grew up here and I was at that point in my life. I didn't know what to do or how to deal with the issue of being gay. For the longest time I couldn't say the words, "I am gay."

Something about verbalizing it made it concrete -- made it real -- made it irreversible.

I didn't want to be gay.

But, there I was, gay.

Thankfully I came to this area at the age of 20. Cautiously and very skittishly I began experiencing the world....and seeing what being gay actually meant. I got married...had kids.....and I'm now where I am because of the journey that I am on.

But as I said not long ago....one of the main things I have learned is that there is life after divorce. It doesn't have to be a sad life.

As I contemplated divorce a couple of years ago, I remember so well thinking about my friend Jack. He had been married a long time and several grown up children. He had also been a minister and was pastoring a nice church here in the Washington, DC area. He came out to his wife and one day, his wife, (contrary to the agreement they had reached at the time of his disclosure to her.) outted him to the church. He lost it all...his church....his ministry....everything.

So he found a menial job by ministerial standards and worked to provide some semblance of life for himself.

He found an efficiency apartment....and spent many a lonely night there. He then went into the leather, pain, bondage scene. This is an example of going directly from one extreme to another.

I remember visiting his apartment and thinking, "I could never live like this."

It would have been so claustrophoic...and I could sense a real spirit of sadness....emptiness. Oh, I inew that I didn't want to have a life like that.

So here I am a few years later....and thankfully, I'm not in a situation like that. I'm slowly creating my new world.

Thank God that it didn't have to be a bad one.

Report from the World of Dating!

One of my friends told me a few weeks ago,

"Frank, you've got to begin dating. You need to get out and meet guys....and play the field. You're not getting any younger so get out there!"

For the life of me, I have just not really considered myself something to have to mass market. But apparently, my friends think I should throw caution to the wind and just see what's out there.

One person, in particular, helped me to craft an ad for one of those paying dating sites. He also helped me to select some tasteful pictures of me....(which are the only kind I have. If I had any of the "other" types of pictures, I certainly am not going to go about posting them on the Web!)

Up the ad went.

It's averaging a person a day looking at it.

It's certainly not causing folks to be tearing down my front door to be with me. And, the guys who have expressed interest aren't exactly my cup of tea....to put it nicely.

All except one... He seemed to be perfect... on paper that is.

His name was Bill. He lives in my area and was rather mysterious about the nature of his work. However, with the magic of caller-ID, I was able to find out his full name and I did a GOOGLE search.

I found out all about him professionally. I saw pictures...and learned that he has written a number of books.

Finally, he and I set up a time to talk....after a flurry of emails. Before I go on, he asked about my history. He was curious about my marriage...the length of time.....how long have I been out......how did I feel when the wife dumped me.....what's been the hardest adjustment....etc.

So, when he called me, I asked some probing questions about him. I didn't particularly care about his voice....it was effeminate and quite nasal. He spoke with a whine. He announced that he considered himself an activist.....and on and on he went.....

I thought to myself, "This guy takes himself WAAAAAAAAAAAY too seriously."

Still I continued talking.

He brought up the Gay Men's Chorus. I said that I enjoyed them immensely. He then went off on a tirade about how they play to every stereotype in the book of gay people. "I went to one performance and was highly offended and walked out," he said flatly.

I rolled my eyes.

There was a long pause.

"You know," he said. "I have to be honest here. My experience has shown that since you have not gone into formal therapy about your coming out issues and your divorce, I just can't become intimately involved with you."

Inside I nearly choked.

How dare he?

He may have his PHd...in whatever it is that he has it in. BUT, he doesn't know what I've done....or what I plan to do.....or if I even wanted to become intimately involved with HIM!

I simply responded, "Okay."

Long pause.

I had nothing more to say....and because "Wild Bill" had made this pronouncement out of the blue and was so knowledgeable about my psyche, I decided to let him dig himself out of this hole.

He stammered....he stuttered......he cleared his throat.

I remained silent.

"I hope you're not offended," he said rather condescendingly after more silence.

"Oh, I'm not offended in the least Bill!" I responded cheerily. "I'm just totally fascinated by the fact that you can arrive at such conclusions when you and I have not even met...or discussed what I've done or what I've NOT done. But that's terrific that you can do that. However, since you were honest with me, I should do likewise."

"Please do," Bill said politely.

"I'm not so sure that I really would be interested in developing anything with you. You see, folks who can't treat me as an equal and feel they have to talk down to me turn me off quicker than anything...and that is exactly what you've done today in this phone call."

"But --" he tried to interrupt.

"Oh, Bill, that's okay. Apologies aren't necessary. I've got things to do and I need to meet a friend for lunch that I haven't seen in over 20 years. Have a wonderful day!"

I could hear babbling on the other end of the telephone as I pressed the END CALL button. For the life of me, I don't know what it is he was saying.

But I felt empowered.

Gee, I can tell I have grown exponentially. I'm so much more sure of myself. It used to be that such encounters as this would have devestated me before. Now I'm learning that there are lots of different types of people in this world. This is what dating is all about. It's what you have to go through as you sift through candidates for life partners.

For me, my pickings are quite slim. I'm old....I'm no gym god. I'm me. I'm not cerebral. I do have some standards....and one very important rule that I live by is to never "talk down" to anyone.....and to never tolerate when someone "talks down" to me!

I may never, ever, have a life partner..or have someone in my life that I can love unconditionally and have him do the same, 24/7. But, I am reaching the point where this is going to be okay too.

I'm learning to enjoy being with me....and affirming me.

In spite of what some others may think, I've learned that I'm not such a bad guy to hang around with.

A Change of Seasons

It looks like spring is almost here. The daffodils in my front yard have broken through the mulch. The grass is turning greener. The weather is improving vastly.

Spring and Summer are my favorite seasons. Easter is my favorite holiday. There is just something neat about everything coming to life after a cold, harsh winter.

This year I kind of feel like I'm coming to life too after a long harsh winter.

I'm blessed beyond measure. I feel well. I'm excited about the future. What's past is past.

As you know, it hasn't been an easy journey. At times I wondered if I would really make it. The sadness and feelings of failure totally consumed me like a tidal wave.

Now though, I feel content....and I'm happy.

This past Sunday, I officially joined Metropolitan Community Church. My buddies were very glad that I did and I felt really good about it. That church has given me back my love of spiritual things....and my interest in God.

For several years I went through a very dry place and almost quit going to church altogether. I am so thankful that I found this church and hadn't totally given up on God.

Sometimes that is very easy to do.

Out of the Ashes @ 2

I can hardly believe it!

It was two years ago today that I began this little blog. I had no clue what the response would be...or if anyone would want to read of my trials and tribulations.

I had been separated less than a year and I was totally fearful of the future. I was so unsure of myself and just generally a mess.

Probably my most major concern at the time was if I were going to make it financially....and would I survive alone.

So here I sit, two full years later...counting my blessings.

I'm doing fine.

I'm also here to say that yes, there is life following the end of a longterm marriage. Oh, sure there is still some residual anger on my part.....and I still have the occasional aftershock from being this age and being single. But oh the growth I've experienced!

I'm a lot more comfortable with myself... I'm even more comfortable with the gay thing. I've established an excellent network of friends and acquaintences. I'm genuinely happy with myself. My health has improved drastically.

In a couple of months I will turn 50 years old.

My kids are off to te four corners of the world. They're happy.

I'm happy.

So many of you have been a blessing to me. When I've gone through very black periods of uncertainty, you've been there to offer encouragement and telling me, "Frank, you're going to make it!" or "Frank, you're going to be so much better off!"

And yes, some of you have even kicked me in the butt sometimes.....but looking back on all that, you did it when I needed it.

So, this little blog may not have millions of readers.....but it does seem to be helping some of you. For that, I will continue to write.....and share my innermost thoughts.....the pains and the joys of a single gay man.....trying to find his way in the world.

Thank you for reading....and the comments and the email.

It certainly has been quite a journey down the country road!

What a GREAT Weekend!!!

This weekend has been a very good one so far. If this is any indication as to how my life is going to be from here on out....It's so much better than I could have envisioned!

Friday night I gathered with friends at a local Bob Evans Restaurant. They put us at this big table and we laughed and talked for two full hours. I am so blessed to have these friends from my church. Each guy is gay and he has his owns story to tell about how life was sometimes not too kind to them. But they have survived...and are doing well.

Following the meal, we returned to one of their houses and played cards until the wee hours of the morning and continued our chatter. I left for the return home very uplifted.

Yesterday, I visited with the elderly lady who had called me early in the week. Although she is 88...she is still in great health and driving and happy. We spent two full hours talking and catching up over a mid-day meal.

I then stopped by Mom O'Lovey's to check on her and her sister. She's doing fine....

Then, I returned home and got ready for dinner last night and the Gay Men's Chorus' spring show, "That 80s Show." What great fun....and it brought back such warm and funny memories. Check out the Web site at http://www.gmcw.org/ and see the brief clip of one of their rehearsals.

Afterward, my friend and I stopped at IHOB for some late night coffee and reflections.

When I got home, I was so tired...and I slept like a rock. Today is church....and I'm tomorrow.

I'm amazed at how my life appears to be finally coming together!

It's Friday (Finally)!

Friday is finally here...and I get a three-day weekend! YIPPEE!

I work one of those alternative work schedules in the federal government (AWS). I actually get a three-day weekend every other week. So I really look forward to them. This weekend I ge to continue to get rid of junk....I set out another 8 garbage bags full at the curb first thing this morning! Still more to follow...

In addition to the work, there will also be some play. My best friend and I are headed to the Gay Men's Chorus spring show on Saturday night....with dinner beforehand. I always enjoy their productions and it should be a nice relaxing evening.

So, at this writing, Frank is incredibly content with his life and how things have turned out. Increasingly though I hear through the grape vine that Lovey may not be having as much contentment as she had initially hoped.

It just goes back to my original thoughts from years ago....nothing will make her happy.

The novelty of her pastorates in the Shenandoah Valley appears to be waning. She was at her mom's all last week....and she went home for church last Saturday.....didn't preach on Sunday..... Returned to her mother's on Monday....and she's still there at this writing.

I have to wonder how her churches feel when Pastor Lovey is no where to be found!

But in the words of my mother, "I have no dogs in that fight....so it's really none of my business."

It just seems like she is a train wreck waiting to happen.

EEK!

A Little Slice of Heaven

Sometimes little gifts show up unexpectedly right when we need them.

To give a little background on this, there's a man at my church that I have a secret crush on. I've written about him before.... He's someone that is partnered....and someone that I don't know very well. To be honest, I haven't been sure if he even knows of my existence. When I have spoken to him or greeted him at church, he's always aloof....and a little distant. But still I have always shown myself friendly. Most usually he and I exchange pleasantries in the parking lot if we do at all as in this past Sunday.

If he were to ever express any interest in me I would faint dead away. But then, I'd immediately be a candidate for the Lazarus award because I'd immediately resurrect myself....and live happily ever after.

Most definitely he's trophy husband material. I can honestly say, if he were my husband.....and he came walking through my door every night....you would see one very happy camper, indeed.

But, at this point, he is happily partnered and has been for quite a while from what I can tell. I'd never do anything to disturb that...but it surely is fun to think about.

However, I did get to experience a little slice of heaven tonight. Imagine my shock at opening my email and finding that he had sent me a note today. I have no idea how he got my email address....I didn't give it to him!

It was an extremely friendly note. Among other things, he wanted me to know that I had crossed his mind....and he was wondering how I was doing. He said that he'd heard that I had been through a lot over the past few years....and that he was praying for me.

I've reread that email a dozen times this evening....

If his partnership were to ever end....and I don't see that happening....I find myself wondering if I should just lay my cards out on the table....and let the chips fall where they may? My one concern though is if I do that...and he would not be interested, it would make whatever friendship I have with him awkward at best...

However, if he did have feelings for me at that time...it could start a beautiful relationship.

Whatever!!!

His email to me this evening certainly has brightened my life considerably!