Sobering Thoughts

I feel all out of sorts today.

This morning as I went to church, I just felt so alone. I got to church early....and as luck would have it, the hunky guy that I have the crush on was getting out of his car too -- alone.

He smiled and waved.

I smiled and waved back.

As we approached each other.....he threw open his arms.......and I met hime with a big bear hug. He addressed me by name....(He knows my name at least!).....and as we embraced....he held me for just a little longer than a normal hetero-gay hug of two seconds.

Just then, as things seemed to get interesting, his cell phone rang. Something urgent had popped up....and he had to leave -- long before church started. I felt sad...that at least I couldn't sit and at least admire him during the service...discreetly.

I turned to open the front door of the church. He saw me....and ran up and gave me another hug! He told me that he'd like to go to dinner sometime. I told him that I would like that too.

I allowed my hand to linger on his left shoulder....and I gave it a gentle squeeze.

Was that too brazen?

With that he ran to his car and was gone! He turned once more and smiled.

I smiled back.

Church was good. I still felt a bit odd. After lunch I went to visit with a close friend and to meet his new grand daughter. Oh goodness....I'm now at the stage where contemporaries are now grandparents.

Then, as I drove home from his house....I heard from my daughter in Nashville. Mr. Bodybuilder has now told her that he is "in love with her." They are spending much more time together. Things are heating up.

It's only a matter of time before the proposal comes. Another sign that I'm getting older.

Then the clincher. She has outted me to him.... She says "it's okay."

But, I find that the disclosure of the gay thing to someone who may be another part of my family has hit me wrong....today. Especially today when I was feeling odd to begin with.

Oddly, I feel tremendous sadness.

Why?