GAMMA

I went to one of my support groups on Friday evening.

GAMMA is the Gay and Married Men's Support Group here in the Washington, D.C. area that meets twice a month in a church in downtown. It's one of those groups that you can be a part of and then as your circumstances change, you can still keep contact with and be just as active as you want to be.

I've been a member of this organization for over 20 years and through that time I've made lots of friends -- men, who like me, were caught up in straight marriages and who were also struggling with the gay issue. I've served as facillitator on many occasions. It's a great group.

This past week, we discussed the topic of being authentic, having closed-loop relationships, the energy it takes to maintain two primary relationships, and just the overall struggle of living a gay life.

All this weekend I've reflected on the meeting.

I've also thought about the gay thing. What does it actually mean to be gay?

For me, it means that I have the innate ability to love another member of my gender completely....unreservedly....passionately.....emotionally...

Most folks like to emphasize the sexual aspect of it.

Well, surely that's a part of it. I mean, I can envision being intimate with a guy and not have my stomach turn because of it. I'm not repelled by the thought of it.

To me, this is as natural as breathing.....or sipping soda through a straw.

Being gay is as much a part of me and as "normal" as walking....or learning to talk -- you don't remember the date and time you began doing those things...it's something you began doing unconconsciously and now it is a part of who you are. It's part of the fiber of growing.

The only difference between these things and being gay is that society never said that walking was abnormal. Learning to talk did not generate snide comments or rude stares.....or get you bashed. Sipping soda through a straw does not earn you the honor of having a James Dobson or a Pat Robertson throwing the Bible at you....or hurl insults at you and blame you for the decline of western civilization.

No, you're just left to breath, to walk, to talk and to sip your soda through a straw. No one cares....these are all acceptable behaviors.

So, when will it become acceptable behavior for me to be able to love another man?

Why do people equate that behavior with weakness or being accused of being "less than a man?"

How does loving someone.....ANYONE.......make you evil? Sinful? Worthy of death?

I don't get it.

I don't want to get it.

I just long for the day that a special man comes into my life. Someone who will love me with everything he has.....and who will treat me as his number one priority. A man that is not afraid to commit and be monogamous. Someone that will be there for me.

I, in return, want someone to love with everything I have....that I can treat as my number one priority. I am not afraid of the words commitment and be monogamy.... I am not afraid to be there for another guy....for the long haul.

It's sad....but I'm beginning to wonder if another such a man exists. Being gay is difficult enough,,,with all of society's perceptions and expectations it hurls at us. Coupled with the visciousness and deception that lies in the gay world.....and the lack of established boundaries, well, it makes a boring, average guy like me wonder.

Bear with me.....I'm a bit misty today......and full of longing.