My Hands Are Full!

What a week!

First and foremost: my parents aren't doing very well with their respective cancers. They are soooooooooooooooo frail. It is scary. Mother's cancer has returned...but she is now showing some suspicious symptoms in her head, shoulder and elbow. I pray that these are only strained muscles from the way she sleeps....and I pray the knot on her head is from bumping her head on the car door.

It is so very scary when you're going through this cancer journey with your folks. My heart is breaking inside and I don't dare share it with them where they can see how it is affecting me.

Yesterday, mom was so down. She looked at mean in a very pitiful manner and said, "Bub, I just don't see any light at the end of this tunnel."

I wanted to cry.

Still she is giving it her best shot.

I am spending at least this week with them. Depending on the diagnosis she receives on Thursday, I may spend next week here too. I am working to convince them to come to my house if she is required to do chemo. Right now it is just radiation. But we're gonna see.

And now there is some good news....

In the midst of doom and gloom....and here in the heart of Huntington, WV, Frank may have just found someone special! Yup....when God closes a door, He knows just when to open a window.

I went to church at the local gay affirming church on Sunday....and this guy just appeared.....he says that something spoke to his heart about me....and I had the same thing. He's one year older....and has two adult kids. We spent some time together last night.....and tonight.....and we're possibly gonna spend some time together tomorrow night.

I'm a little shocked by all this....but we'll see.

Mom is tickled.....Dad is oblivious....

I'm amazed....and hopeful.

My Daughter, The TV Star!

As I recover from the wonders of my weekend retreat experience, I thought I would share this commercial that stars my daughter! It's for a school in Tennessee. She got this job on a pure lark...and now she may use this as a springboard into acting.

Who knew?



The retreat was awesome in so many ways.

More later.

Friday Morning

I am home today trying to get ready for a church retreat that is being held at a wonderful place not far from Charlottesville, VA. It is literally in the middle of no where. It will give me some time to ponder....to center myself....to try and figure out what my next move is going to be in the chess game of life. Who knows? Perhaps I will be able to further crawl out of this valley I have been in all week.

It has been a very busy week at the office. I have gotten lots done. It just never ends.

I've also been having a good time posting old family pictures to my FACEBOOK page. As a result, I've been hearing from a lot of my cousins and other relatives that I have not heard from or even seen in a number of years. In fact, one of them left me a message and asked me to call him last night.

Well, I did...and it was heartwarming to reconnect with him after all these years. I felt like a million bucks in being able to talk to him. He lives in Ohio...and was asking me about all the stuff I knew about our relatives. (I was a bit taken aback by what little he knew.)

So, this season of my life appears to be about building bridges and reaching out.

Life is so filled with uncertainty. I'm amazed at how naive I was in thinking how steady my life was....with the job...the wife....the kids....the house....the trappings of a successful and "happy" life. That all changed in a flash...and here I sit....at age 52...alone.. Who would have ever thought I would be in this place at this age.

I'm sort of at an ebb right now. I'm not "blue" or depressed, but then I am not ecstatic either. The desire of a significant relationship is still there.......I don't think there are any serious prospects out there for me right now.....even with all the men who have been listed previously who make cameo appearances in my life from time-to-time. Hopefully this retreat will help me.

The song below is one that I just found. It has been out since June....and although the subject matter is a bit "dark" the video is amazing. The melody is catchy, yet haunting... The video is not nearly as dark as it could be.... A couple of the lyrics have stuck with me: "The sharp knife of a short life..." and "Funny when you're dead how people start listening..."

I posted this elsewhere, and was asked by a friend to tell her what I thought it meant.

I think it means to treat people well all the time....not wait until they are at death's doorstep and that young people do not have a monopoly on life. Life can end in a flash....young or old. Listen to what people say now...don't get all misty after they're gone.



I know this has been a scattered post...but it's kind of like me emotionally these days....

All over the map.

A Rainbow in the Valley

I've been in sort of a funk since Sunday. This is no secret...since I have written about it this week.

Sometimes as a gay man, the loneliness is at times unbearable. However, in the midst of all this...I heard from gentle Doug today. He called to say that he was thinking about me and he wanted me to know how much he missed me.

Even though he is married.....and it can't go anywhere....it was still nice to hear.

Especially today.

Friendship, Sex and Longing

On one of the online groups I'm a member of, a thread has emerged that is of particular interest to me. It's simply entitled, "Friendship, Sex and Longing." The group is composed of men who are married to women and are out to their wives. Each person's situation is different....they have negotiated their own paths to marital fulfillment.

On person in particular wrote:

"To finally have friends who understand what this is all about is huge. After spending years alone in my thoughts, same sex thoughts that no one must know, to have a good friend who I can share it all with has been so healthy for me.

A large part of my wife's acceptance of my having bi/gay friends has been the benefit of the "me too" and "I understand part". When I come back from a night or weekend away with my friend my wife sees the inner peace and self acceptance that I gain and it spills over to my being a better more fun husband. It is a transformation that our wives need to see with their own eyes to believe."

This post stirred memories in my own life....during my marriage. I had met another married man...in similar situation to me....and we hit it off immediately. We were together for 8+ years. When I divorced...he couldn't take it...and just backed out of my life.

During our time together, his wife noted on many occasions "how good we were for each other."

The issue was finally on the back burner.

Our times together made us better husbands.

I know this is hard to understand for some of you...but it worked.

For a season.

This post triggered memories....and so I sat and wrote this. It's not the typical fare I offer up here...but it was worth remembering. 

Moving Merrily Along...

Who knew?

I was moving at such a rapid pace...and kind of expectant as to what was going to happen in my life next. After all, I have six gentlemen who have entered an orbit around me. They definitely were not there before. It kind of made me feel a bit giddy. BUT...I'm not able to share all this with any folks other than you all out there in cyberspace.

There is this great temptation to go after the first man who gives me any attention whatsoever. This is not a good thing. In following this trajectory, I see nothing but disaster.

I have begun to take better care of Frank....mentally and emotionally. This was shown in my recent dealings with SEX GOD. He called looking for action...and I'm feeling a bit used. I don't like feeling that way. Sure a fantastic romp in the hay is fun to do...but in the long run...what is left after the romping is done.

I told him what I was looking for. I told him that I was not into control queens. I want someone who is not afraid to let his affections show up in normal living. This poor guy is afraid that someone is going to find out that he and I have been "romping". I'm tired of the cloak and daggerish relaitonship we have...

I am not...and refuse to be....anyone's dirty little secret.

So between that......the fact that I spent time with K on Sunday.....and the fact that he and his wife and her companion all drink and drink and drink.... Well, even though I am attracted to him emotionally and physically....and if his wife dumps him tomorrow....I don't think he is the one for me....and thus will begin putting some distance between him and me.

Andy is still calling me. We talked on the phone for almost an hour yesterday. So he must really be liking me.

Dan is preoccupied with Scott.... I saw him briefly today....and he was behaving differently. Not ready to handle additional drama in my life right now. I have waaaay too much now.

Doable has not been around or communicated with me since he said I was doable.

And...dear Doug... Well, I've heard from him. But that can't go anywhere either.

So, I am starting back at square one.

The Not So Good Weekend

I did not really enjoy my Labor Day Weekend at all.

Oh, I got lots done. Did a ton of laundry. Did some ironing. Cleaned the kitchen and all that stuff. BUT...I was alone.

I actually thought I had gotten past it all. I thought I had grown beyond the feelings of loneliness and I was really looking forward to spending some down time with myself while my daughter went off to middle Tennessee for the weekend to spend with her sister.

I was wrong.

I was down.

The memorial service did not help me much. Sadly, a great deal of my feelings hinged on that service. The old fundamentalist christian way...and teaching....started me down a path of wondering if I am really on the correct one...or just being deceived.

You see, I take my spirituality very seriously. I love my God...and do my best to keep Him at the forefront of every decision....and every thought.

But even though I have achieved a certain amount of wholeness in being queer....and I like the man I have become as a result of these past 5 years or so, it doesn't take very much to stir up a whiff of doubt....and then I begin to travel down the path of beating myself up.

So that's where I was this weekend.

Tonight I meet with my gay men's Bible group. I always enjoy being with my friends. Perhaps that will perk me up a bit.

Being Gay in a Sea of Straights

I am currently in the middle of my Labor Day Weekend -- my very quiet Labor Day Weekend -- a time of reflecting on the past, the present and the future.

I am being honest here. This is being written from the deepest parts of me.

Leading up to this weekend has been a full week. I've heard from my friend Doug a number of times. I had some quality time with the "Sex God". Andy has called and written me messages. I've even gotten messages from "K."

I knew that the memorial service for pastor that was murdered would be happening this morning (Sunday). (See my entry from August 30.) So I thought it would be good for me to go and to touch bases with the widow and his remaining son. (His eldest son is the one who killed him....so very tragic.)

I tried to get one of the men currently in my world to go with me. They each had a thousand reasons for not going. So I took that as an indication that maybe God wanted me to go alone....for some unknown reason. I did...and when I got to that place...which was over an hour away from where I live, I was confronted with the stark reality of just how much my life has changed. AND...in typical fashion, I began to seriously question if my life, in the face of all the leaps forward I thought I had taken, is really in fact, better.

I watched all the folks at the service. They were each wrapped up in their grief....and they truly glorified and deified the pastor. I knew him many years ago...and found him to be gentle and loving....but highly aloof. I worked around it all because I felt as if he were dealing with his own demons...whatever they were.

I also barely knew the son that murdered him. He was totally out of the regular social whirl of the family and spent the majority of his existence during the time of their pastorate at my church, living away from the family. He was rarely mentioned...and it seemed as though there was an aura of mystery surrounding him.

AND...the subject seemed closed for discussion.

I never pried.

So, I remembered all that as I watched the youngest son -- Paul-- the one that my girls had had a crush on -- the one that suffers from Type I diabetes -- take center stage as the leader of this congregation. He spoke eloquently of his father....and he sang. Oh how this young man sang...I am sure his father would have been so very proud.

I looked around me...and the people here were not of my normal social sphere. They were the kind of people that people like me fear. They are the Bible thumpers.....the ones who say "The Bible say so..." I couldn't help but think....if they only knew that I am a gay man. That I was sitting in their midst. I would have been shunned.

As I continued to look....I noticed that there were some very attractive men there. Generally, each was accompanied by women who did not seem to match their calibre. The women were generally of the hefty size....people that I would find quite unattractive. (Not just because I am not attracted to women in the first place....but I dare say that these women would not be found on the cover of any magazines....)

And so I sat there....

Remembering how I sat in numerous congregations such as this having these same similar thoughts....for many, many years.

My wall was firmly in place.

It was a dose of my former reality....and I felt as thought I were going to explode. In fact, this experience played out on my stomach. It ached....and I felt under stress.

After a few moments, I composed myself....and got into the service. Occasionally I would make eye contact with one of the men in the congregation. It was that knowing look.... It's all in the eyes....how they lock in on you....and you just know.

I was not alone.

Yet, they would never confess what happened. No one would ever know what thoughts crossed their minds then in a fleeting way.

Following the service, I made my way down front to view the displays of photographs...some old...some very recent. I remembered this pastor fondly. I saw his wife....and she saw me....and came rushing to me. She remembered me....and let me know how much my presence meant to her. "Take care of Paul...." she said. "Go let him know that you are here."

I walked over to him....and he was delighted to see me. This beautiful, young 29 year old man through himself at me. We embraced for a good little while.....as I told him that I would be here for him if he needed me.

He gave me a piece of paper that gave directions to a reception following church....at another church north of where we were. He wanted me to come there because of his mom and because of him.

I agreed....and soon found myself in a full social situation with these people.

The people who must not know that I am gay.

So I chit chatted....and talked....and heard their world views....as small minded as they seemed. I learned that the congregation has decided that Paul was going to become their new pastor. He is 29 years old...and has never darkened the door of a seminary. But then, that's how it's done there....in my former life. He came to me twice during the reception to again say how much my presence meant to his family. And to him. I gave him my card with all my contact information. I told him that if he needed anywhere to relax....to see a movie...or share a meal....give me a shout.

I meant every word of it. His best friend is now gone. He's a little boy lost.

It was then time to return to my home.

My visit to my other life was concluded....and I headed home.

Emotionally drained.

Labor Day Weekend

I am going to be all alone this weekend.

As I write this, I have no plans: no picnic, no dates, no trips.

Nothing.

My daughter is headed to visit her sister in Nashville. So I will have my house to myself.

I think what I am going to concentrate on doing is cleaning the place....and getting rid of all the filth that has accumulated. I also have so much junk in my bedroom, I am unable to move around safely. I might even decide to try and rearrange a bit. We'll see how much energy I have after I return from taking my daughter to the airport up in Baltimore in the morning to catch her 7am flight.

Stay tuned.

And Finally Some Really Great News...

I am so very thankful for some good news for a change.

As you know, both of my parents have been battling lung cancer. Mom has been dealing with lung cancer, bone cancer, and colon cancer. For her, it has been in remission for over a year...but she has had a reoccurrence in her lung. She is undergoing radiation treatments to deal with that.

Dad has been undergoing chemotherapy for almost a year. The good news is that his oncologist reported yesterday that his latest cans show that he is clean from the cancer in his lung. YAY!

So I am very happy about this.

As we work to deal with each of the challenges facing my parents...I really want to celebrate each small victory we encounter.

What a great way to kick off a holiday weekend!

A New Place

Well, folks, I have arrived.

Sort of.

I had a conversation with someone very special to me a few days ago. We were reminiscing about the dramas we have eached faced....and we have both survived. I remember so clearly how miserable I was -- not too long ago, all because of my sexuality vs. my spirituality.

It was tormenting...and I remember laying awake at night -- many nights -- begging for healing. Wishing for happiness. Seeking answers to my delimma.

And for all that misery and agony. The gloom and the doom. I think I've finally reached a new place of self-actualization. At the age of 52, I can honestly say with no reservations of any kind, that I am happy.

I am happy to be me.

I am VERY comfortable in my skin.

I am surrounded by many folks who care about me.

Oh, yes, there are times that I long for a special man in my life....

Someone's hand to hold......

Someone to snuggle up with.

But I don't have that.

And the real kicker is.....

all this is okay.

Wow...this is certainly a new place for old Frank.

Things Are A Stirring....

It is a bit hard to believe....but I may finally have piqued the interest of someone...and this is someone that I have had a crush on...

First to just catch you up. I have been blitzed by work at the office...so by the time I reach evening....and going home...I am exhausted.

As I drove home yesterday, my cellphone rang and it was none other than Dan! It was kind of cool to have him call me -- especiallly given the fact that he had spent a significant amount of time with me Sunday afternoon....and Monday afternoon.....

He wanted to know if he could come by last night.

And, since I get a particular good feeling at just looking at him....I agreed.

We spent some time just chatting....and I found out that Scott (his partner) has been out of town this week. He returns today.

Dan told me that he wanted me to know just how much he enjoyed spending time with me. He felt that my house was the one place he felt safe...and he felt that he could just relax and be himself.

I told him that I am glad he felt that way.

And I do. It is just so comfortable with him.

But I am not doing anything to break him and Scott up. I refuse to be involved at THAT level.

Then, there's Andy.

Andy called me late last night....and talked...and talked....and talked. I remind you that this is the man who does not like to talk on the telephone....and that I should know that if I ever get calls from him where he talks and talks and talks...that I should know he likes me.

So, he likes me.

This one is a real potential keeper.

Stay tuned...

The End of A Great Weekend

Today I had the pleasure of having my daughter home with me on my regularly scheduled day off. She had earned a ton of credit hours on her job and she decided to take the day off to spend with her dear old dad.

Lovey was in town today in order to leave to go be in the Netherlands to visit her sister there along with her mother. My daughter fixed us a scrumptuous breakfast. We ate like fiends...and then I had to leav eto run some errands. My daughter tagged along with me and we had a great time just hanging out.

We then spent the afternoon lounging around the pool of friend's ours. It was a great way to relax. (Even Dan swooped by for a swim.

I declare...I wonder about this man. Scott has been out of town...and will be back on Wednesday.

But, who knows....how that is going.

Dan seemed a bit pensive today as we talked.

Now word from Andy....in response to my emails.

Hopefully I will hear something from him later this week.

Early Monday Morning

Here's a picture I took while I was at work this weekend photographing that floral design convention. Feel free to comment on what you think.

Much has happened in my life since that last posting I made. My MAC laptop croaked...so I had to splurge on a brand new computer. This time I opted for a desktop. It's a beauty. It's a 27inch I-Mac with one terabyte of storage capacity....and so much RAM...it flies through tasks I ask it to do.

I spent all day Friday, Saturday and a hunk of the day this weekend photographing a flower show in Fairfax. They provided all my meals....my lodging.....and my registration for the event....and I got to take a ton of pictures. It was certainly an interesting event to be part of. But all the flowers....the pollen...the fragrances...etc...sent me into an asthma overload. I have hacked and coughed all weekend long.

Another side benefit of the weekend was getting the opportunity to visit with my married friend, Doug. He's a floral designer...and just a wonderful person to be with. We laughed and got to spend some really special time together.

Late on Friday night, my world got a little bit complicated. A man that had served as my former pastor in my other life when I was a fundamentalist pentecostal was tragically murdered at the hand of his oldest son following a rather heated argument over something trivial. From what I have heard...and it never has been confirmed by the family...and probably won't, the young man has been battling his own demons for quite sometime. He's been diagnosed as being bi-polar...and on top of things, he is a gay man -- clearly something that his dad could not accept.

My pastor died on Monday....and now his son is charged with first-degree murder.

There is going to be a memorial service here in my area next Sunday. So, I am planning to go and be part of this...to offer whatever kind of support I can to the remaining family.

I was fairly close to my pastor. In fact, I served as the Chairman of the Board of Deacons during his tenure. It is a shock...and I am still unglued by it all.

While he was serving my church, the eldest son was always living out of the area....and they never seemed to talk about him much. My gaydar went off a number of times when I would get to see this boy....but it was never really confirmed until just now.

Tonight when I got settled back home....I was invited to dinner by my pal Greg the photographer. He was telling me all about his photoshoots....and I got to tell him about my adventures in the land of floral design....and flowers!

Dan appeared at my house tonight....and we got to visit and get caught up. "K" has sent me a ton of messages that I received on my Blackberry while I was at my photoshoot. Andy sent me an email just before he toddled on off to bed. I felt bad because I didn't get it until just now when I opened my email here on the computer. So I fired off a note to him fairly quickly. AND...I just noticed that Sex God has emailed me. (I just haven't had the energy to open that one.)

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Lovey is in town. She and her mother are headed off to the Netherlands tomorrow afternoon. My daughter and I are invited to breakfast with them first thing in the morning. She and I then have a swim date with Dan at a mutual friend's swimming pool.

So lots is happening. Lots has happened.

And I apologize to all of you dear and faithful readers for not being able to keep you updated while I was working my buns off over the weekend.

Comfortable In My Own Skin

Each new day for me is an adventure.

Back in the olden days, I often asked God why I was made like I am. I mean, I was gay. (I still am.) I was overweight. I was not athletic. I was contantly picked on and made to be the brunt of jokes. I did not feel "normal."

Day in and day out...the harassment never stopped.

I internalized a whole lot back then and I remember having internal discussions with myself every day as I would wait for my carpool to pick me up.

"You can do this, Frank. You can get through another day."

This became my mantra.

My stomach usually was in knots...and I had stomachaches.

I was not happy.

In fact, I was miserable with my life then.

So my defenses started being built. I built inpenetrable walls. I'm sure I came across as cold and aloof. I became a loner.

I buried myself in church work. I was able to hide my strangeness and anti-social behavior in the cloke of religiosity.

Looking back at it all now, I was really and odd duck.

Fast-forward to today.

I marvel at the man I have become. I'm totally happy. I look at my gayness as just another one of my fascinating traits that makes me the loveable and unique person I am. I'm somewhat of a social butterfly. I have a full social calendar.

Continually, I look at myself and my desires and wonder if my standards are too high....or if my expectations are too far beyond what they should be. I've reached the conclusiont hat perhaps my view of what relationships are versus what I desire may be slightly askew. Perhaps this is some residual effects of the "Old" Frank and his perceptions of the world.

After the post yesterday, I realized that there are a number of men who seem interested in me on some level. I've spent so much time bitching about my lack of a boyfriend/partner/husband...that I forget that I must be doing something right. Oh, to put it bluntly, I don't have any guy yet who has vowed their undying love and devotion to me. I haven't walked down the aisle yet.

But, for all their shortcomings....all these men are good men. They are still getting to know me on some levels. They like spending time with me. All of them, (except Sex God) seem to want to know me on a deeper level than just to find out what I can do for them between the sheets.

So, isn't this what I am looking for?

Wake up, Frank!

Sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees! LOL. I think this is my problem.

I like the man I am. I've got a good heart. I have much to offer. It's gonna happen sooner or later. (A lot of you have told me this.)

I'm relaxed. Happy. Content.

Last night my daughter and I had dinner at a local Cheesecake Factory. The food was out of this world -- it always is there. I noticed how people treated me as we walked to and from the place from my car. People would make eye contact and smile...or nod.

When we got settled at out table....I just happened to look over at the next table. There was a humongous family seated there...happily eating...and celebrating one of their members' birthdays. I suppose my relaxed aura showed....because one of the kids looked up at me and said, "Hi! What's your name?"

"I'm Frank. Who are you?"

"I'm Kevin."

"Pleased to meet you Kevin."

Next thing I know, the whole family starts acknowledging us...

Not too long ago, this would not have happened.

At another restaurant....in a darker time, a woman started chatting with me. She said that I had a rather foreboding coutenance....and did not seem too approachable.

I was shocked...and semi offended. But in looking back at that time, I know that she was right.

Man, have I come a very long way.....and I'm still here to tell you all about it!

A Long and Very Slow Day...

Today is just a very long and slow day here at my office.

The high point of the day was when I received a telephone call from Doug. I am doing some photography work for him this weekend and he wanted to confirm that I was still going to assist him. I told him that I was... So, I get to spend the entire weekend with him.

I will get to see him in his element and watch how he interacts with his colleagues and clients.

He sounded happy and excited. I may get to take him to a gathering of my friends on Saturday night. We will play that one by ear.

Hopefully this will be a quiet and restful weekend.

The Laptop Has Died

My trusty Mac Powerbook G4 died last night.

It has been my faithful companion now for 5 years...and I have certainly put it through all the paces over that time. We've created video together. We've managed my photo and music libraries together. I've composed my email on it. I established this blog on it.

And it is dead.

I have an appointment at the Apple Store this evening to see if it can be fixed. I am prepared to buy a new computer, but...gosh...I hate that this one has failed.

Life goes on...

A curious thing happened to me yesterday. I got an email from the kisser. (Henceforth known as "K".) (The married guy that wanted me to meet his mom....) He just wanted me to know that I was beautiful.

Never really considered myself in those terms before. Another hot guy told me I was "doable" last week....

I just wonder what all this means...or if he is even giving me a second thought. Well, I suppose he is giving me additional thoughts in order for him to write me... But I just wonder in what context he thinks of me....as a friend? as a partner? as a friend with benefits? Just what?

So, let's recap:

I have a number of really neat men in my life at the moment:

Dan - the man who likes pretending we are a couple....and who is looking for a partner with special qualities. His current partner, Scott, is not fitting the bill.

Andy - the cutey pie with the sweet and gentle temperament....with killer legs...powerful thighs....great chest.... He wants to go slow.

"K" - the man who is married and who likes to kiss me in front of his wife. I've become friends with the wife....I've met his mother.....and I've seen the new house. I've also learned his wife and he sleep in separate bedrooms.

Doug - the wonderful older man that is also married. We really enjoy spending time together. One of the last times we spent together, he announced that "I'm Dangerous" because I tempt him in ways that are frightening to him.

"Sex God" - the slightly younger man that only wants me around for sex. Now the sex is powerfully awesome...but I have pulled back from this relationship because I want/need more than just an intense romp in the hay.

"Doable" - the attractive man who pronounced me as "doable." Need I say more?

So, for all my bitching....there are men out there... I am blessed to have such men in my life. Many people in my situation would give their right arms to have one good guy.....but so far I have six potential men -- not counting Jake -- who I sitll have not heard from...

I'm just anxious to start something. I'm not getting younger. Dan, Andy, "K" or Doug would be great boyfriends. With my luck they will all probably step up to the plate all at once. Then how do I decide who the lucky man is going to be?

I am willing to take my time. I want this to be the best choice for me.

Something That Made Me Smile....

I had a coffee date with that guy who called me on August 21st. He was the subject of my post OUT OF THE BLUE. Let's use his name -- Andy.

So, I have had the opportunity to chat a little with Andy over the weekend. Nothing substantive...but I've wanted him to know that I was thinking about him...and being mindful of how he detests being on the telephone, I just did not want to push my luck.

We confirmed our plans yesterday afternoon. I must say, i was looking forward to spending some time with him. Turns out he was having dinner with another friend...but he wanted to do dessert with me. (This was fine.)

So he called me at 9pm and said that he was headed to the place we had agreed upon. When I pulled up...I must see he struck a fine form in his shorts....and t-shirt. He is taller than me...a little buffer....and his legs were really nice to look at. But, I did this scoping out of him with all good taste...and stolen glances.

Really I'm not a sex-maniac and I am not desperate. But I do admire beauty when I see it.

This is a beautiful man.

I suppose the thing that makes him beautiful to me...not only do I find him quite attractive....but he has a gentle nature about him. He is kind...and spiritual. He has a strong faith in God....and I find this so refreshing.

I'm digressing....

So we order our coffee and start talking. We spent two hours together. We then walked outside.....and stood under the awning of the establishment, while the misting rain fell. He then turned to me and gave me a really big hug....

and a peck on the lips.

It felt so good.

He looked at me and then smiled.....and said.... "You're quite an attractive guy."

I think I blushed.

"I'm serious." he said.

"You are too...." I responded.

There...I let it be known. Frank was attracted to Andy.

I went on.

"But...you know, Andy, what I find most attractive about you of all? Your spirituality....your gentleness.....your kindness."

He blushed.

"I've always been eager to jump between the sheets with someone who is the least bit interested. But with you, it is so different. I want to go slow," he said quietly.

"I like slow." I answered.

Another hug....another kiss.

Late at night in a parking lot......a light summer mist falling....

Could this be the one?

I just received an email from him this morning. It says: "I always leave our meetings feeling content and relaxed after our talks...Hugs"

Why is the Fantasy Always so Much Better Than in Real Life?

I have thought a lot about this man named Jake who was our waiter last night at dinner. He was such a cutie and so sincere.

But to be very honest here....I kind of wonder if he was just out after a larger tip.

No note.

No communication at all.

Ah...why is the fantasy always so much better than real life?

Oh I could conjure up all kinds of scenarios with the man from Friday night......or picture a perfect romantic evening with Dan......or think up most any type of situation involving any of those men I am friends with that I have the crushes for....

But they are never going to happen the way that I picture them....

Why can't they?

A New Day Has Come!

What a wacky weekend!

I'm still reeling from that encounter with the waiter. If I never hear from him, it will be okay because he just made my entire day!

Reading your comments makes me realize just how random all of that was...and makes me wonder if this is how I'm going to meet the man who will become my partner....my beloved? Gee, I suppose it could happen anywhere....or at anytime.

My daughter is still shocked about the waiter. It struck her about how nervous he was when he started the conversation with me. I thought it was kind of cute. She felt so sorry for him. I asked her "Well, have you ever approached a total stranger before? Someone that you may have felt a sprig of attraction for? I give him an A+ for effort!"

She nodded and agreed.

"Bless his heart," she said.