Comfortable In My Own Skin

Each new day for me is an adventure.

Back in the olden days, I often asked God why I was made like I am. I mean, I was gay. (I still am.) I was overweight. I was not athletic. I was contantly picked on and made to be the brunt of jokes. I did not feel "normal."

Day in and day out...the harassment never stopped.

I internalized a whole lot back then and I remember having internal discussions with myself every day as I would wait for my carpool to pick me up.

"You can do this, Frank. You can get through another day."

This became my mantra.

My stomach usually was in knots...and I had stomachaches.

I was not happy.

In fact, I was miserable with my life then.

So my defenses started being built. I built inpenetrable walls. I'm sure I came across as cold and aloof. I became a loner.

I buried myself in church work. I was able to hide my strangeness and anti-social behavior in the cloke of religiosity.

Looking back at it all now, I was really and odd duck.

Fast-forward to today.

I marvel at the man I have become. I'm totally happy. I look at my gayness as just another one of my fascinating traits that makes me the loveable and unique person I am. I'm somewhat of a social butterfly. I have a full social calendar.

Continually, I look at myself and my desires and wonder if my standards are too high....or if my expectations are too far beyond what they should be. I've reached the conclusiont hat perhaps my view of what relationships are versus what I desire may be slightly askew. Perhaps this is some residual effects of the "Old" Frank and his perceptions of the world.

After the post yesterday, I realized that there are a number of men who seem interested in me on some level. I've spent so much time bitching about my lack of a boyfriend/partner/husband...that I forget that I must be doing something right. Oh, to put it bluntly, I don't have any guy yet who has vowed their undying love and devotion to me. I haven't walked down the aisle yet.

But, for all their shortcomings....all these men are good men. They are still getting to know me on some levels. They like spending time with me. All of them, (except Sex God) seem to want to know me on a deeper level than just to find out what I can do for them between the sheets.

So, isn't this what I am looking for?

Wake up, Frank!

Sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees! LOL. I think this is my problem.

I like the man I am. I've got a good heart. I have much to offer. It's gonna happen sooner or later. (A lot of you have told me this.)

I'm relaxed. Happy. Content.

Last night my daughter and I had dinner at a local Cheesecake Factory. The food was out of this world -- it always is there. I noticed how people treated me as we walked to and from the place from my car. People would make eye contact and smile...or nod.

When we got settled at out table....I just happened to look over at the next table. There was a humongous family seated there...happily eating...and celebrating one of their members' birthdays. I suppose my relaxed aura showed....because one of the kids looked up at me and said, "Hi! What's your name?"

"I'm Frank. Who are you?"

"I'm Kevin."

"Pleased to meet you Kevin."

Next thing I know, the whole family starts acknowledging us...

Not too long ago, this would not have happened.

At another restaurant....in a darker time, a woman started chatting with me. She said that I had a rather foreboding coutenance....and did not seem too approachable.

I was shocked...and semi offended. But in looking back at that time, I know that she was right.

Man, have I come a very long way.....and I'm still here to tell you all about it!