Shadows of Sadness

One more day to go....and the day that I had so dreaded will be just a memory.

I'm writing this from my hotel room in Albuquerque, New Mexico. I should say that this isn't just some little simple hotel....or hotel room. This is a resort with everything you can imagine: horseback riding, swimming (3 pools), a variety of hot tubs, spa treatments, hiking trails...all in the middle of the desert, mountains in the distance....and did I say peaceful. Whew. I think when I need to get by myself, and meditate...or write....I think I'm going to blow the kids' inheritance and come here for a week.

Yesterday, after I landed, I got calls from all the kids to wish me a Happy Father's Day. The cards, as I said earlier, were spectacular in their own right, but, yet, to here their voices....well, it does a daddy good.

Yesterday was Lovey's final Sunday at our church. #1 told me all about it...and it appears that they gave her a fine send off. I found that as I sat down to breakfast alone afterwards, a shadow passed through my mind bringing with it pangs of sadness and guilt. Sadness for what could have been...what should have been.....and what it is now......and guilt for failing.

I know...I know....you can chew me out for this one....and I probably deserve every bit of it. Still, this whole divorce thing has been the most difficult thing I have had to deal with EVER in my entire life.

After breakfast, I went on a four mile hike....and found myself on the banks of the Rio Grande. I remember learning about this river in the fourth grade....and it was how I pictured it -- a body of water, shallow...not very wide. I sat down....there...and as I watched the current...I thought about my life. I thought about all the good times....and the bad times. It's funny how when I think of the bad times, they all seem to be concentrated in the previous 12 months.

I have good days....I have bad days.... On the good days, I feel guilty about feeling so relieved that Lovey is out of my life.....on the bad days I find that I have guilt for the failure of my marriage. I just can't seem to win.

#1 had a moment of disappointment with Lovey this past week. She said that it really surprised and disappointed her...and made her sad in the process. She said that at bed time, Lovey came into where she was getting ready for bed and said, "Did you or your dad do something with my wedding ring?"

#1 was dumbfounded....she followed her mother into her room...to the jewelry box....and there it was...where it had been all along. Lovey had just been overlooking it.

She didn't apologize to #1 or say anything further.

#1 grew silent as she told me about this.

I said, "I know how you feel...I've been accused of a lot of things by your mom over the past few months. Having that happen, I can understand why she would want to think that I did something to her wedding ring...but I don't understand why she would accuse you this way."

I hugged #1....and told her that I loved her.

I'll be very relieved to have Lovey gone from my house...so that little exchanges like this don't happen.

I'm still sad...