Here I go again...
Please don't lecture me....and please don't accuse me of "whining"... I'm just processing thoughts as I write this. So bear with me...please?
If this isn't your "cup of tea," then by all means, navigate from this blog and go some place else for today.
I am exceedingly Lonely. Note the capital L.
Yup.
We're back at that theme again.
And, I'm not alone in this. I have tons of gay friends who are in my age range, who feel the same way. They find that the further they slip over the age of 50, in the gay world, it's practically curtains. You might as well find the pretty box and close the lid and get buried.
It's over.
Finito!
I have joined a number of dating sites. Most people just pass on by my profile. It gets traffic...but I never hear from anyone. When I look at the guys who have viewed my profile...some are really eye catching...so I complete an "Ice breaker"...only to have them appear like a neanderthal in their responses with one word grunts.
Some of the guys in my age are only interested in people 27 and a half to 32.4. Other guys are only interested in guys up to 45. Still others are only interested in those guys who are "built"...clearly I don't fall into that category. Or they want someone who is athletically inclined....clearly not me.
I have met some interesting and eligible men through mutual friends...but I freeze. I am so timid and shy. I know I must seem like a dork.
Other men that I have been out with seem way too picky for my tastes. They get all upset because a child cries in a public restaurant...blah...blah.
Then there are those who do express an interest. Like the guy who began stalking me....and telling me how he wanted to be so close to me that he wanted me to go everywhere with him. He wanted to be able to inhale my morning breath and other odors. The thing that took the cake was when he said that he wanted me to share erotic bowel movements with me...IN THE SHOWER -- "our logs of love mingling together."
I kid you not!
Then there are the men who are amputees....the ones in wheelchairs.....the ones who have been diagnosed as bi-polar, but are good about staying on their meds....the ones who weigh 500 pounds.....the ones who want to be referred to as Amanda.....
It's tough being gay.
It's tough being an average, run-of-the-mill, 50something, divorced, lonely, white, gay man.
At times, I want to burn my gay membership card.....ditch the decoder ring....forget the secret handshake....and go live on a mountaintop.
But here I am.
Still hoping to meet that one-in-a-million man. The one that is just a normal man. One with normal needs. Normal dreams. Normal wants.
Someone to grow old with. Someone to share my life with -- the ups and the downs -- the losses and the gains -- the good and the bad...
But honestly, I don't know if this is going to happen.
About 3 weeks ago I met a wonderful man at a party I was invited to. He and I have absolutely nothing in common. He's blue collar....I'm a government executive. He likes drinking with his buddies....I don't drink.
He doesn't go to church....I do and am quite active.
He also identifies as straight...I'm gay. And he keeps telling everyone how straight he is....including me. "I don't want you to get your hopes up," he keeps saying. Those of us who know him thinks he is dealing with this issue and is scared by it.
I saw him at a cookout the following week...and he followed me like a puppy dog. Wherever I sat...he moved to be near me. When I went to stand by the grill at the other end of the deck, he found a reason to come stand by me. When everyone else went inside to see something that the host had recently gotten, I decided to stay out on the deck. Guess who stayed with me? He did.
At the end of the evening. He gave me a very long bear hug.
The host told me that she had never seen him act that way with anyone. She asked me what we had in common..and I said..."Nothing...absolutely nothing." I went on. "But you know...opposites attract and he seems to be the type of person who has never been loved and cared for unconditionally. I could do that for him!"
And I could.
But, I'm not going to pursue this. It could be a trainwreck in disguise.
So I watch...and wait.
Surely there is a man....a good man.....looking for me.
4 comments:
I wish you luck and good graces, and send a virtual hug (if it helps any).
Frank;
I can only share what I would do; you have to decide what you are going to do. For me the computer and internet are great tools for sharing some kinds of information; however, the bandwidth is too low for others – like what is needed to get acquainted. Sites like the gay version of e-harmony might work don’t know but the meat/meet racks seem to be geared more for guys in their gay adolescence (looking for Mr. Right Now rather than Mr. Right). What I have found on line is a fantastic number of gay interest organizations from light exercise (yoga in my case) to equal rights/advocacy to meditation and mature gay social organizations. Were I lonely I would be able to find an organization function every night of the week and I am in a much smaller gay community than the DC area. An evening of envelope stuffing may not fill your bed but you might sleep better afterward then if you had spent the time looking at meat rack rejections.
Rick
Lots of warm hugs and best wishes to you. I still wish we could meet in person just to talk and be with each other, if nothing more.
I don't know why we lost touch, unless I did in fact say something that bothered you. If I did, I deeply apologize. My parents say I can be "too honest" sometimes, and honestly, I never thought was possible (especially in a world where people never tell the whole truth)!
Please e-mail me if you can or want to. I still want to meet you and talk with you more. I'll be thinking good thoughts of you. *hug*
"But, I'm not going to pursue this. It could be a trainwreck in disguise."
The keys words here are "could be". He also could be that one-in-a-million man you've been looking for.
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