A Glimmer

After I posted that last entry, I received an email message from the man in question. He apologized for his lack of communication. Apparently he has been dealing with the fallout from his family crisis. He wanted to assure me that I am his friend forever and that was special to him. He even said that he valued my honesty and friendship very much. He asked about my parents' medical condition.

Needless to say I do have a glimmer of hope that something may happen here. So, will keep the door definitely open.

Mom says that Dad has been doing much better. I'm not sure exactly what to attribute this to. But we will know more once the doctor contacts them to give the the results of the bloodwork and the MRI.

Still on the roller coaster...

It Just Keeps On...

I have had an interesting few months. I've done some public speaking at church where I was overcome with a lot of emotion on Christmas Eve. I talked about my life as a gay man in a straight marriage and how thankful I am that I have come such a long distance.

I've made friends with a gay male couple who live about 50 miles northeast of Washington. They come to my church and I have really grown quite fond of them. They talked to me and encouraged me on one of my "bad" days where I felt so alone. Both of them were so affirming to me. They echoed what a lot of people who know me have done. That I will make quite a catch for someone....and that I should not feel broken. They say that I have a lot going for me.

So, I keep hoping that somewhere along the way, I will meet the one who will be "him." I'm not desperate. I refuse to come across that way. But I have to tell you, there are a number of guys in my sphere of influence that I could be happy with. None of them have an inkling.

And I just keep feeling like a big chicken...because I am not brave enough to lay my cards on the table -- even the ones who are single, available, in my age range, and attractive.

My feeling continues to be why do I have to be the one to always initiate things?

I keep hoping...

Greetings All! I am Back!

Sorry it has been such a long time coming, but I have been one busy boy these last few weeks. My eldest daughter went off to The Hague, Netherlands to spend the month with her Aunt that has just moved there from Colorado. She returns tomorrow...and is thrilled beyond words to be returning to home. She has not had a super time with the Aunt, who happens to be Lovey's oldest sister. Lovey is the oldest, and this aunt is next to her in age. She means well, but comes across as selfish and grating at times. I have often quipped that she moonlighted as a part time test pilot in a broom factory to the chagrin of Lovey.

I digress.

So while the little girl has been gone, Old Dad has spent some time to himself....and actually doing some photography. One of my friends even volunteered to be my first male nude model. Don't worry, it's not those kinds of pictures. It's the kind that I have been working on and longing to do. These are actually artistic nudes. So, with his permission, I am running one here to get your feedback. He really is quite a nice guy....former military....and is struggling with his sexuality.

I have served as a friend/mentor -- nothing more. We share a passion for photography....and he really has taught me a lot and he says the same thing for me. We plan to experiment more with lighting and take some more nudes with professional lighting. So, I will see how these all turn out.

Additionally I have been dating. But then, the men I have dated all are fixated on those guys who are younger and buffer than I....so my virture remains intact.

There is, however, one man that has caught my eye....and captured my heart in the process. He has sent me some mixed messages....and I have sent him some more direct ones. But, I am not sure just where this will all lead -- if anywhere. My friends who I have discussed this all with say that I need to just lay my cards onto the table and see what his reaction is. I suppose I don't have anything to lose...and everything to gain. After all, love/attraction, etc. is a crap shoot and life is very short. Why waste time playing cat and mouse?

Right?

I just find myself feeling these incredibly strong desires to just hold him. I told one of my friends that this is not about lust...or sexual desire. Gosh, I would be happy just being able to put my arm around him and give him a squeeze....or to just hold his hand...or to just cuddle.

We will see....

Please keep your fingers crossed.

I've also included a couple of other shots of that basically sums up the theme of fall coming to Northern Virginia. Enjoy!

Frank's Adventures Continue!

I suppose I'm getting bolder with letting people know how I feel. I'm also being braver about striking conversations with complete strangers.

Tonight I pulled into the parking lot of the grocery store across the street from my house. Almost immediately this bautiful young man pulls up alongside me in a bright shiny new BMW. He had to be in his mid-twenties. But when he stopped, his passenger window was down, and he looked over. He did that eye lock thing.

I did too!

So I watched him out of the corner of my eye. So, I played a little game with myself. My goal? Get him to talk to me!

If it was convenient.

Well, as luck would have it, he was waiting in the self-checkout line as I approached. I decided to fall in line behind him. I got a full look at him.... He looked like a god. He was totally built....humongous muscles....GOSH.

His iPod was firmly planted in his pocket with his earphones plugged into his ears. So, I got up really close to him...and whispered in his ear. "What kinda car is that you're driving? Man, that thing is sharp!"

He looked up at me and grinned really big...."It's a BMW....(something or other....I was just tickled that I got to hear his voice)...."

"How long have you had it?" I asked.

"About two years."

"Great looking car I said."

We then went to our respective spots....and it happened that I was able to check out before him. So I was quite aways from him...and he followed me up the aisle to our cars.

"I wonder if he will say something..." I wondered.

I was loading my groceries in my back seat as he passed by.

"Have a great evening!" He said cheerily.

"I will," I answered. "You take care of that care and be safe."

"Oh I will."

And he was gone.

SCORE!

It doesn't take much to make the old gay guy happy!

********

On a more serious note. I was invited to a gay party last night that I decided at the last minute to go to. A number of my buddies was going to be there, and I decided to go. Just for the heck of it...and to further get buried in the gay social whirl.

The party was in a town considered part of the metro area of DC. Twenty-three gay men were there. A lot of guys I knew....but there were several I did not know.

So, I made my way around the room and shook hands with people. I did my best party animal impression by being outgoing and friendly and trying to be friendly. It is so very stressful because at heart I am quite shy.

But if it is one thing I have learned...it's that in order to survive as a single gay male, you have to get out there and show yourself friendly.

I was VERY busy last night mingling.

Just before dinner was served, the doorbell rang and another guest showed up.

My jaw nearly hit the floor. I felt an immediate connection. It wasn't lust....although he was quite attractive. But there was something about this man that clicked deeply inside me. It made me think....there is my partner. The one I have been looking for.

I had never felt that about anyone before.

Immediately though, the negative thoughts and feelings started. "Oh, he won't give you the time of day, Frank." "Give it up!" "He's out of your league fella."

Well, I watched him. And he sat right next to me. Everytime we spoke. He gave me the look and we locked eyes! So, in my heart of hearts, I decided, what do I have to lose? Let's see if there is anything to this that I have feeling deep inside me.

So during our conversation I gently pumped him for information. I found out that he works in finance...and I told him that I work for a bank regulator. He said that he had just broken up with an older man after they had been together for 7 months. The old guy was running around on him. I also learned that my new friend had a name. It's Jim. He's 39. He likes older men.

I said, "Jim, your partner was running around with younger guys when he had you at home?" He blushed and said, "Yes, he did. The real pathetic thing is that I begged him to not do it and come back home to me. But he won't."

Hmmmmmmm I thought.

He went on.

"Before that relationship, I have only been partnered one other time. My first one was a ten year relationship....and it ended because that guy was running around and doing drugs."

I just shook my head.

"Jim, you could have your pick of men."

He smiled again.

Gosh that beautiful smile could light up the entire metro area for a hundred years.

We chatted back and forth with the other guests...but I always made it a point to look at Jim...make that deep eye contact and smile.

As the evening wound down...and people were beginning to leave. Jim started telling everyone goodbye...and that he was getting ready to leave. In my mind, I could not just let him go without doing something.

I found a piece of paper and I carry a pen. I wrote down my cell phone number and my personal email address. I followed him to the front door and I said, "Jim, just a second. Please forgive me for being too forward, but I want you to have this."

I handed him the paper with my info on it.

"I have NEVER done this...and to be honest, it's taking a lot of guts for me to do this. But here's my telephone number and my email address. I would love to take you to dinner and get to know you better."

He smiled.

"I'll shoot you an email."

I said, "That would make my day if you would."

He smiled and pecked me on the cheek.

It was so very wonderful to meet this guy.

So far he has not called or written. And to be honest, he may not. But at least I have made the contact and not done what I have done so many times before....wait for the other person to make the first move.

Gosh, I hope he calls or writes. I feel so strongly about him, I don't know what to do!

More Pondrances on an OLD Theme

Here I go again...

Please don't lecture me....and please don't accuse me of "whining"... I'm just processing thoughts as I write this. So bear with me...please?

If this isn't your "cup of tea," then by all means, navigate from this blog and go some place else for today.

I am exceedingly Lonely. Note the capital L.

Yup.

We're back at that theme again.

And, I'm not alone in this. I have tons of gay friends who are in my age range, who feel the same way. They find that the further they slip over the age of 50, in the gay world, it's practically curtains. You might as well find the pretty box and close the lid and get buried.

It's over.

Finito!

I have joined a number of dating sites. Most people just pass on by my profile. It gets traffic...but I never hear from anyone. When I look at the guys who have viewed my profile...some are really eye catching...so I complete an "Ice breaker"...only to have them appear like a neanderthal in their responses with one word grunts.

Some of the guys in my age are only interested in people 27 and a half to 32.4. Other guys are only interested in guys up to 45. Still others are only interested in those guys who are "built"...clearly I don't fall into that category. Or they want someone who is athletically inclined....clearly not me.

I have met some interesting and eligible men through mutual friends...but I freeze. I am so timid and shy. I know I must seem like a dork.

Other men that I have been out with seem way too picky for my tastes. They get all upset because a child cries in a public restaurant...blah...blah.

Then there are those who do express an interest. Like the guy who began stalking me....and telling me how he wanted to be so close to me that he wanted me to go everywhere with him. He wanted to be able to inhale my morning breath and other odors. The thing that took the cake was when he said that he wanted me to share erotic bowel movements with me...IN THE SHOWER -- "our logs of love mingling together."

I kid you not!

Then there are the men who are amputees....the ones in wheelchairs.....the ones who have been diagnosed as bi-polar, but are good about staying on their meds....the ones who weigh 500 pounds.....the ones who want to be referred to as Amanda.....

It's tough being gay.

It's tough being an average, run-of-the-mill, 50something, divorced, lonely, white, gay man.

At times, I want to burn my gay membership card.....ditch the decoder ring....forget the secret handshake....and go live on a mountaintop.

But here I am.

Still hoping to meet that one-in-a-million man. The one that is just a normal man. One with normal needs. Normal dreams. Normal wants.

Someone to grow old with. Someone to share my life with -- the ups and the downs -- the losses and the gains -- the good and the bad...

But honestly, I don't know if this is going to happen.

About 3 weeks ago I met a wonderful man at a party I was invited to. He and I have absolutely nothing in common. He's blue collar....I'm a government executive. He likes drinking with his buddies....I don't drink.

He doesn't go to church....I do and am quite active.

He also identifies as straight...I'm gay. And he keeps telling everyone how straight he is....including me. "I don't want you to get your hopes up," he keeps saying. Those of us who know him thinks he is dealing with this issue and is scared by it.

I saw him at a cookout the following week...and he followed me like a puppy dog. Wherever I sat...he moved to be near me. When I went to stand by the grill at the other end of the deck, he found a reason to come stand by me. When everyone else went inside to see something that the host had recently gotten, I decided to stay out on the deck. Guess who stayed with me? He did.

At the end of the evening. He gave me a very long bear hug.

The host told me that she had never seen him act that way with anyone. She asked me what we had in common..and I said..."Nothing...absolutely nothing." I went on. "But you know...opposites attract and he seems to be the type of person who has never been loved and cared for unconditionally. I could do that for him!"

And I could.

But, I'm not going to pursue this. It could be a trainwreck in disguise.

So I watch...and wait.

Surely there is a man....a good man.....looking for me.