And Finally....Closure

It's very early on Sunday morning. I'm very thankful that I don't have to go to work in the morning. I am planning a relatively slow-paced day...and doing some chores and paying the bills.

If you have read a lot of this blog, you know that a lot of my issues have centered around my ex-wife, Lovey. I've groaned and moaned. I've felt anger....I've felt hostility....I've felt betrayal......I've felt bitterness....I've even felt a sprig of hatred towards her -- all for some very basic issues.

* Her outting of me when it wasn't necessary to her attorney at the end of the divorce process.
* Her outting me to everyone she could think of in order to make herself look good.
* Her accusations that I have turned my parents against her.
* Her using me to help her with her ordination submission and then not bothering to invite me to the festivities.
* Her greediness.
* Her downplaying of anything good that I brought to the marriage and to her.

Oh...I could list a lot more.

As this blog shows...it has been quite a journey. Lots of depressing things happening.....Lots of loneliness.....Lots of room to feel sorry for myself.

And I haven't been getting better from it. Some of this stuff has been festering for quite sometime.

I really don't feel the need to go into all the gory details. Suffice it all to say that I have expended way too much energy and time dwelling on this situation...and allowing old wounds to fester....and to ooze.... Sorry to say, when wounds like this and open and fester and ooze....they only increase the amount of pain suffered by the owner and actually serve no good purpose.

About three months ago, a dear friend of mine, who was a former lady minister, needed a place to stay....and I offered the spare room at the house I share with my daughter. While she was here, she and I got to talk a lot about the things in our lives that were holding us back for closer communion with God.

I spoke honestly and directly about Lovey and the many things that had been festering in my life....and she said, "Frank, you need to pray for grace for this individual."

"But I don't want grace for that individual."

"Frank," she said. "Pray it anyway and pray it repeatedly. Pray that God will give you the grace to let it go...and to get rid of the hatred and bitterness."

"But I don't want to let it go....I'm angry....and I'm bitter.....and it's all their fault.....and I want them to know it."

"Frank," she said again. "You really need to let God soften your heart. If you don't, you could miss the blessings waiting in store for you. You may miss out on the leading of the Spirit. Trust me, and pray for this individual every day...even when you don't feel like it."

So, that very night I began praying.

I've done so every night for the last three months.

My prayer went something like this: "God, you know how I am feeling about so and so. You know the hurt I have felt....the rejection I have experienced.....the emotional pain and suffering I have experienced. I ask right now that you will bless so and so. Please give them the grace they need to function. Bless them...and use them in your work. Help me to let my issues go. Help me to be a better believer that can be used for your service."

This week I realized how much those prayers were working. Out of the blue, Lovey called me. She was friendly.

Had she actually consented to that lobotomy I had often hoped she would have? Or had I merely forgotten the alimony check? Or had I done something wrong? Or was she calling to chew me out for something I neglected?

No...she said she was lonely in her church parsonage there in the midst of nowhere. (My daughter was out for the evening.)

We reminisced about the olden days.....I told her that I was having fun running my Facebook page.....and keeping in touch with all my friends. She paused and said, "Frank, would you like to be my friend on Facebook again?"

I paused and said, "No. Not if it is going to end like the last time. I am done with all that."

She was taken aback and I was amazed at how direct I spoke to her. No tears welled up in me as it had previously. I numbed to the pain of the separation and the divorce.

We continued our discussion.

A door opened and I marched through it. I told her that I had hoped we could forge a close friendship with all of our history. But that I seriously felt at times this was impossible....given her sudden outbursts. I finally asked...."While I have you hear...there is something I need to know. After all that we had been through as a couple, and all the stuff I did to help you realize your dream of ordination, why did you not see fit to invite me to your actual ordination? "

And this is how I addressed each issue that had been festering within me for so long--point by point....issue by issue.

She cried. I did not.

She tried to blame her attorney and everything else.

But I did not cry....I was matter of fact and probed deeper.

Finally, she almost cried UNCLE. She actually acknowledged that she was wrong and that even though the gay issue was something to be dealt with.....had she been paying attention, she would not have sought divorce. She said that she had been distracted with her studies and her quest for ordination. She was afraid of what people would think about her if they ever found out that she was married to a gay man.

She had regrets.

She wishes she had someone in her life to grow old with.

In the kindest way possible, I told her "Lovey, you had all that. I was willing to be that person. So, wherever you go or whatever you do, there is one thing I always want you to remember: yes I was as gay as a goose. It was not your fault.....it had nothing to do with you. It is how I am wired. But in spite of all that, I loved you. Oh, I may have not had sexual desire for you....but the love was very real and very deep. I dare say...that no matter who you may meet....you will never find another man that loves you more than what I did."

It felt so good to let all those feelings out....and to say them clearly.....without sobs....without tears....but in just a matter of fact way.

Finally, I can say the weight of the world has been taken off my shoulders. These thoughts needed to be expressed to the source of my pain. And I did that.

Today I feel as though God is beginning to do something in my life. I am expectant...and cannot wait to see it all fall into place.

I think I understand what a visiting preacher told me "in the spirit" last June a year ago. She said, "Frank, God wants you to know that He is creating a new life for you. He wants to give you the desires of your heart. If you knew all that was in store for you, honey, it would blow your mind! But, even though God is at work in your life to create something new....some of the old is determined to haunt your new life. This will hold you back."

I think I now understand what she meant. I am waiting and watching.

Finally, this significant chapter in my life is now closed.