On Being Gay and Single

Dawn is just now breaking over the metro area. I'm sitting here at my desk, enjoying the glow of my 27 inch Apple monitor....coffee at my side and I am writing to you, my dear friends in blog land.

In all of my discussions I have with my gay friends who are married, one topic constantly comes up, Not only are they mortally afraid of being found out that they are in fact, gay, but they are petrified at losing what they have. They fear the loss of material wealth and possessions they have worked a lifetime to achieve.

But, as you talk to them, the base fear of all if their concern of being alone.

It's all very real and I am fortunate to not have lost much of my world goods. I've landed squarely on my feet. I have my job...I have my house...I have my cars.....I have my kids.

BUT...

I am alone.

And to be honest, it isn't all that fun.

I don't like it. In fact, I hate it.

In my dreams I think about waking up next to a good guy every morning.....and just being able to snuggle and to hug...and to kiss....and to touch. I think about communicating with him during the day....and saying hello....having occasional lunches together.....

I long to do just the normal, mundane stuff that one does with a life companion.

But I have to say....in my life right now....it just doesn't look good.

Here's a run down of my life thus far.

There's the man in Huntington, WV. He's the wonderful guy I met while there on my last trip. I enjoyed him so very much. BUT -- he's not interested in a long term relationship. He only wants one night stands. So, he's out..

Theres the guy here who came to my church. He's former military...and he's even dated a gay porn star. He's cute...he's funny....he cooks.....and he came on to me. He fixed me dinner and we saw AVATAR together. But then....he says he is too busy for a romance right now. So he's out.

Then there is Doug. He is six years older than me. He is gentle....loving...kind..... Definitely husband material. He has feelings for me. BUT.....he's married and speaks of how dangerous I am. So he's out.

There's another man that I have a crush on. My heart flips when he's around. He enjoys spending time with me. But the communications we have are sporadic. He's very busy....and He's married. BUT..his wife encourages him to get out there and find a partner. Defnitely not getting my hopes on that one.

There's another guy that I have been "seeing".... We have dinner periodically....and we enjoy being around each other. But emotionally it feels as though the relationship is stalled.

Then, there's SEX GOD. He's a guy I've known for quite sometime. He's available....and I'm available. The sex between us is incredible. Mindblowing....toe curling......earth quaking.....bed shaking.....lovemaking. WHEW! But in this case, I have my walls up. I don't really know why...other than the fact that several years ago this man hurt me terribly. At the time, I didn't know it had affected me so bad.....but it did. We've spoken of it. And this go round, there is potential for additional hurt: for example....he demands secrecy. We can totally have an all night sex marathon.....where we are both totally exhausted.... Yet, he doesn't want his family to know about us.....or his friends to know. So I have to ask....why do I have to be such a "dirty little secret." I deserve much better. So, he's out.

There are also the countless crushes I have had. These are the hotties that I have had tremendous crushes on. They have no clue. Some of my friends have encouraged me to go after them. To lay my cards all on the table and to make myself vulnerable. But, I'm just not in the mood to make myself that vulnerable.

So, I just sit.....and ponder.....and wish....... Wish that some of these men who are "so busy" would stop being so. Or those married guys would grow some balls and bust the closet door off their hinges.....and come after me!

Or those who are having such great sex with me would be honest and say what's on their mind...... Not be so secretive.

I just wish sometimes there were some more role models out there to compare myself to. Or some sort of mile marker or gauges that would tell me what the steps in gay male dating are. Or...how to know if the other guy is truly interested in me more than a quick romp in the hay.

I think I am doomed to be the perpetual best friend.....always the bridesmaid and never the bride.

So these are the things I am thinking about on this very early Thursday morning in Washington, DC.