I went to bed quite early last night, only to have been awakened by my dad's snoring...and now I can't seem to get back to sleep. So very much on my mind these days. It just doesn't seem to take a whole lot to upset my sleeping patterns.
Work continues. There is so much to work with there. Then I have the photo shoot coming up at the end of the week. THEN...I am worried about my dad. This is further exacerbated by the fact that I have a cousin who is also suffering from lung cancer back home....and he is in intensive care. I think his time is coming...and he is in the same hospital as mom was in....and he's suffering from the same final symptoms that mom did.
Will things ever get back to normal for me....and will I ever face a time where everyone is NOT dying from cancer?
I am at a loss...
The night goes on...
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Monday, May 16, 2011
Another Week
So here I am at the start of another week. I'm exhausted. The past few nights I have not slept all that well. Dad has been restless....he's coughed....he's wheezed.....he's gotten up and down through the night -- all of which have awakened me and interrupted whatever sleep cycle I was in.
This week is going to be kind of interesting. I have been commissioned to be the principle photographer for an gay christian conference here in DC. I will be busy Thursday afternoon, all day Friday and all day Saturday. Thankfully, next Monday I will be off to catch up.
It's gonna be quite busy...but I hope I will get some really good photographs. I have a straight photographer buddy assisting....so it will be interesting watching him react to things. I took him to Gay Pride last year and he had a ball....even though he was approached by the Radical Faeries to have his crotch blessed. See the articles attached with the label to this post.
Heard from a long lost "friend" last night through the Silverdaddies Web site. This friend and I had gotten fairly close last summer. The last I saw of him was in mid September, just before I headed home to take care of my folks and the loss of my mom.
He was actually someone I had had high hopes for. He was attractive...gentle....and a man of faith....all of which I find quite attractive....but then he literally dropped off the planet.
Here's the email that came to me last night out of the blue. What would you think if this had come to you?
Recently? Did he say recently? Is 8 months without any word considered recent? Frankly, I don't know what to think and responded with a simple, "What happened?"
No response.
People can be so strange.....especially gay men.
This week is going to be kind of interesting. I have been commissioned to be the principle photographer for an gay christian conference here in DC. I will be busy Thursday afternoon, all day Friday and all day Saturday. Thankfully, next Monday I will be off to catch up.
It's gonna be quite busy...but I hope I will get some really good photographs. I have a straight photographer buddy assisting....so it will be interesting watching him react to things. I took him to Gay Pride last year and he had a ball....even though he was approached by the Radical Faeries to have his crotch blessed. See the articles attached with the label to this post.
Heard from a long lost "friend" last night through the Silverdaddies Web site. This friend and I had gotten fairly close last summer. The last I saw of him was in mid September, just before I headed home to take care of my folks and the loss of my mom.
He was actually someone I had had high hopes for. He was attractive...gentle....and a man of faith....all of which I find quite attractive....but then he literally dropped off the planet.
Here's the email that came to me last night out of the blue. What would you think if this had come to you?
Hi Frank,
I hope this finds you well and accepting of my apologies for just cutting you off recently... I really can't say why at the time I felt the way I did, but you have been in my thoughts lately and when I saw you online I wanted to say hello with the possibility of a friendship renewed...
I know you have a lot going on and have no reason to reply, but you deserved the apology just the same..
Take good care and may God bless...
Recently? Did he say recently? Is 8 months without any word considered recent? Frankly, I don't know what to think and responded with a simple, "What happened?"
No response.
People can be so strange.....especially gay men.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Thoughts on Mother's Day 2011
I am having a month of milestones -- a number of them firsts, and it has been harder than I ever thought it would. I had expected Mother's Day and my mom's birthday to provide one-two punches...but was surprised at just how hard my 53rd Birthday was on May 1.
You see, my mom and I had this little tradition that we have done every year since I have been an adult living away from home. Every year, without fail, she would call me up at the time I arrived all those years ago and as soon as I would answer the phone (at 6:52am), all bleary eyed.....there she was with her gleeful voice on the other end of the phone saying 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY'! Some years she would end that with her rendition of HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!
And each year, the funny thing was that I would forget she was gonna do that...
Each year when the phone would ring on my day....at that ungodly hour....I'd mutter to myself...."Who on earth is calling me at this hour of the morning....don't they know that we're asleep?"
And then...on the end of that line...was that unmistakeable voice excitedly saying HAPPY BIRTHDAY...HAPPY BIRTHDAY....HAPPY BIRTHDAY....then that song. My frustration would just melt and we both would crack up....because she had "gotten me" yet another time!
Year after year....it would happen.
Until this year.
May 1st arrived....and no calls happened until later on in the morning....when I heard from my children....and assorted friends.
Oh, I got up and went to church. Took care of my dad..... Jessica took me to a late lunch.... Then another group of friends to us to dinner that night at Tyson's Corner.
But my mom, the person I have known the longest in my life was the one in my thoughts.
This was the first Mother's Day without her. In my quiet alone moments....there she was in my thoughts....and the tears have fallen.
Grief is hard. But Mother's Day was not as bad as my birthday...
Yesterday was her 77th Birthday!
I thought of her all day long.
You see, my mom and I had this little tradition that we have done every year since I have been an adult living away from home. Every year, without fail, she would call me up at the time I arrived all those years ago and as soon as I would answer the phone (at 6:52am), all bleary eyed.....there she was with her gleeful voice on the other end of the phone saying 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY'! Some years she would end that with her rendition of HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!
And each year, the funny thing was that I would forget she was gonna do that...
Each year when the phone would ring on my day....at that ungodly hour....I'd mutter to myself...."Who on earth is calling me at this hour of the morning....don't they know that we're asleep?"
And then...on the end of that line...was that unmistakeable voice excitedly saying HAPPY BIRTHDAY...HAPPY BIRTHDAY....HAPPY BIRTHDAY....then that song. My frustration would just melt and we both would crack up....because she had "gotten me" yet another time!
Year after year....it would happen.
Until this year.
May 1st arrived....and no calls happened until later on in the morning....when I heard from my children....and assorted friends.
Oh, I got up and went to church. Took care of my dad..... Jessica took me to a late lunch.... Then another group of friends to us to dinner that night at Tyson's Corner.
But my mom, the person I have known the longest in my life was the one in my thoughts.
This was the first Mother's Day without her. In my quiet alone moments....there she was in my thoughts....and the tears have fallen.
Grief is hard. But Mother's Day was not as bad as my birthday...
Yesterday was her 77th Birthday!
I thought of her all day long.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Frank is Playing Catch Up!
Dear Readers:
I apologize for being gone for so very long, but things have just been kind of busy.
As I alluded to in my super short note earlier in the week, I appear to be going through a relatively "good patch." BUT there have been some bumps along the way.
Since I haven't gone back to read my blog to see what I have told you, I may be repeating myself as I write this post. Please forgive me if I have.
Back in September and October while I was in WV with my dying mother....and my ailing father, one of the people who work for me kept in very close contact with me. She called me basically every other day....just to see how I was....and to see if there was something she might be able to do to lift my spirits. I appreciated everything she did....and upon my return...she was even more attentive.
This lady has worked for me about 20 years. (That's the one thing I find very interesting: when people come to work for me....they never leave! LOL)
I came back to work on October 26.
I was buried and worked very hard to dig out. Then, on the Sunday before Thanksgiving, which was November 21, she had a seizure that surprised us all. In fact, the symptoms made it appear that it was a stroke....but in the end...after all the examining and prodding and scanning, we found that she had a large cancerous brain tumor, cancer in her lungs....and cancer on her liver.
Immediately, doctors went to work to remove the tumor in her brain and have her undergo aggressive radiation. As you may know, radiation does a number on a person...and in her case, it nearly wiped her out. Her body chemistry went haywire...and she never regained strength to have the chemo. Over time, the cancer returned to her brain and began to spread. Her cancer spread to her kidneys....and she finally died peacefully on March 27.
Her sons, 30 and 33, then turned to me for guidance. I spent a lot of time trying to help them as best as I could: she had not taken advantage of some of the perks with our life insurance company......she had no will......her children weren't on any of her bank accounts.....and on top of everything....no one had explained to them about probate....and the fact that someone needed to file 2010 taxes on her behalf as well as preparing 2011 taxes.
It was sad.....it was a bit scary.....and very stressful.
For the funeral, I was asked to speak a Eulogy....AND serve as a pallbearer.
It was a very long day.
But as bad as this experience was....I learned somethign profound: you just never know what an impact you can have on someone else's life.
I certainly did not know it.
I can't really begin to say how many people from her family came up to me to say:
"So, you're Frank.....you just don't know what all she had to say about you. I feel like I know you," etc....etc.
I cried...and cried for my loss of her.....and how she worked so hard to make me laugh during my trials and tribulations.
While she was in the hospital and rehab center...I did the very same thing. I spent much time trying to make her laugh.....or to grin. It usually worked until we reached the beginning of the end.
It has been a month already....and I still cannot believe she is no more!
So no matter how I bitch at the thought of being alone.....and having no one to love me......I look at the one that left here.....
I really know better.
So, I can't help but think how blessed I am to have friends from every corner of the planet. These are folks who have said they love me.....and are supportive in so many different ways. My problems are so small. I have a brand new appreciation for my faith.
Yes the gay formerly married guy is thankful for all his blessings.
Oh, and by the way, there are some new men in my life......not sure how they will play out....but they are there.
I just need to have some direction on how to proceed.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
A Good Patch
Frank is going through a good patch right at the moment. No major catastrophes as of this writing. Dad is still hanging on...and seems in relatively good spirits.
I'm doing okay....
Will write more shortly....I apologize for the big gap....
Lots to tell.
Don't go away!
I'm doing okay....
Will write more shortly....I apologize for the big gap....
Lots to tell.
Don't go away!
Thursday, March 10, 2011
"YOU SHALL NOT LIE WITH A MAN AS WITH A WOMAN" -- A New Interpretation of Leviticus
"You shall not lie with a man as with a woman"........ a new interpretation.
When a woman asks questions about her appearance..... like the classic "Does this make my ass look fat?" ...... it is okay to lie to her. In fact, it is polite, civilized, expected, the all-around right thing to do.
However, it is not okay to lie with a man this way. NO excuses. You have to tell him the truth. He's a man; he can take it.
That's it. That's all. Nothing to do with homosexuality.
When a woman asks questions about her appearance..... like the classic "Does this make my ass look fat?" ...... it is okay to lie to her. In fact, it is polite, civilized, expected, the all-around right thing to do.
However, it is not okay to lie with a man this way. NO excuses. You have to tell him the truth. He's a man; he can take it.
That's it. That's all. Nothing to do with homosexuality.
Monday, March 07, 2011
Gay Bitchiness 101
It seems that gay guys can be more bitchy than women who are in the midst of their period!
I mean no harm in this ladies...but you know?
Let me explain.
A few years ago I played with a much older guy who was going through a divorce. He lived in a very exclusive area....lived alone in this humongous house....BIG pool. We had fun. We met through mutual friends...and he told me his story....and I told him my story. Nothing to write home about. The playtime was good. No problems. We had dinner together...hung out....and did normal stuff.
BUT...
Then my mother and dad's illness took center stage and I soon did not have the time to devote to my "hobbies"...and the guy. He kept trying to get me to join him at these wild sex parties he knew of....told me that I would be perfect in their basement....
But that was a bit too racy for me. I declined.
We lost contact.
That is, until TODAY.
We belong to this internet chat group....and we were talking about age disparity. He interjects how he knows me....how I'm scary....I'm way too intense...and that we only had sex one time...and it was okay....blah....blah and that I was looking for a commitment and how he didn't know me......
I was stunned.
So, even though he flamed me in front of the 12,000+ members of the group....I wrote him privately:
"You are confusing me with someone else. We have been together more than once. Not one time did we discuss commitment and boy, am I far from intense. Further, if I was all that "scary" it did not stop you from attempting more involvment.
I refuse to go deeper into this. But the reaso it ended, I though was due to the illnesses and subsequent death of my mother.
Sorry if you find that scary!
As for "I just don't go for the heavy relationship centered discussions too early in a relationship -- too needy and too loaded with ideas of commitment when I don't even know him and am only concerned about sex at the moment counting on later to work on the relationship if there is a mutual interes."
We never went there in our discussions. I fear this comment says more about you than I care to know. Our fun together was just that. I was not ready for a relationship.
So sorry that you forgot.
Kissing and telling is bad form, especially in a venue such as this."
ICK! Things like this make me kind of glad I am single....and alone....and able to just hang out with friends.
This kind of thing makes me feel even more estranged from the whole gay male dating scene....even though there are times when I crave companionship deeply.
I mean no harm in this ladies...but you know?
Let me explain.
A few years ago I played with a much older guy who was going through a divorce. He lived in a very exclusive area....lived alone in this humongous house....BIG pool. We had fun. We met through mutual friends...and he told me his story....and I told him my story. Nothing to write home about. The playtime was good. No problems. We had dinner together...hung out....and did normal stuff.
BUT...
Then my mother and dad's illness took center stage and I soon did not have the time to devote to my "hobbies"...and the guy. He kept trying to get me to join him at these wild sex parties he knew of....told me that I would be perfect in their basement....
But that was a bit too racy for me. I declined.
We lost contact.
That is, until TODAY.
We belong to this internet chat group....and we were talking about age disparity. He interjects how he knows me....how I'm scary....I'm way too intense...and that we only had sex one time...and it was okay....blah....blah and that I was looking for a commitment and how he didn't know me......
I was stunned.
So, even though he flamed me in front of the 12,000+ members of the group....I wrote him privately:
"You are confusing me with someone else. We have been together more than once. Not one time did we discuss commitment and boy, am I far from intense. Further, if I was all that "scary" it did not stop you from attempting more involvment.
I refuse to go deeper into this. But the reaso it ended, I though was due to the illnesses and subsequent death of my mother.
Sorry if you find that scary!
As for "I just don't go for the heavy relationship centered discussions too early in a relationship -- too needy and too loaded with ideas of commitment when I don't even know him and am only concerned about sex at the moment counting on later to work on the relationship if there is a mutual interes."
We never went there in our discussions. I fear this comment says more about you than I care to know. Our fun together was just that. I was not ready for a relationship.
So sorry that you forgot.
Kissing and telling is bad form, especially in a venue such as this."
ICK! Things like this make me kind of glad I am single....and alone....and able to just hang out with friends.
This kind of thing makes me feel even more estranged from the whole gay male dating scene....even though there are times when I crave companionship deeply.
My Neighbor
Cheri is an interesting woman that lives across my street. She has been known to hang out considerably with the neighborhood gossip that lives next to her. She has taken it upon herself to mow her neighbor's lawns....replace brickwork...remove plants and replace them with what she likes best.
She also worked in my agency until she retired a few years ago...rather abruptly.
In my case...she ruined my lawn contract by removing boxwoods that were awaiting removal by my lawn company, who were awaiting new plants to install. She liked hastas better...and installed them.
I was livid.
But that was last summer.
Several weeks ago I guess it all became too much for her.
She committed suicide by swallowing a handful of pills.
Her cat sitter found her in the kitchen.
Only a few notes were left....about where the financial paperwork was....where the car title was.....where the deed was...... Her closet was empty...except for one dress and one pair of shoes. Post-it notes with red arrows pointed in the direction of where important things were.
She instructed:
* no funeral
* no obituary
* she was to be cremated
* her ashes were to be placed in the plainest of containers
* her ashes were to be scattered over some body of water.
* her furnishings and contents of her home were to be sold by a professional estate liquidator
Her one son was devestated. No reasons why.
That was that.
I am haunted by this. I look at her darkened home....and see her car where she left it. It's a bit creepy.
I wonder if I could have been a better neighbor instead of having my little attitude about what she did to my lawn contract!
I saw her on the morning of the day she died.
I was up early....because of having to let my dog out in the pre-dawn hours of the morning.
Every light was on in Cheri's house. I saw her moving by her windows in her bedroom.
"Odd," I thought. "She must be getting ready for a trip."
If I had only known...
She also worked in my agency until she retired a few years ago...rather abruptly.
In my case...she ruined my lawn contract by removing boxwoods that were awaiting removal by my lawn company, who were awaiting new plants to install. She liked hastas better...and installed them.
I was livid.
But that was last summer.
Several weeks ago I guess it all became too much for her.
She committed suicide by swallowing a handful of pills.
Her cat sitter found her in the kitchen.
Only a few notes were left....about where the financial paperwork was....where the car title was.....where the deed was...... Her closet was empty...except for one dress and one pair of shoes. Post-it notes with red arrows pointed in the direction of where important things were.
She instructed:
* no funeral
* no obituary
* she was to be cremated
* her ashes were to be placed in the plainest of containers
* her ashes were to be scattered over some body of water.
* her furnishings and contents of her home were to be sold by a professional estate liquidator
Her one son was devestated. No reasons why.
That was that.
I am haunted by this. I look at her darkened home....and see her car where she left it. It's a bit creepy.
I wonder if I could have been a better neighbor instead of having my little attitude about what she did to my lawn contract!
I saw her on the morning of the day she died.
I was up early....because of having to let my dog out in the pre-dawn hours of the morning.
Every light was on in Cheri's house. I saw her moving by her windows in her bedroom.
"Odd," I thought. "She must be getting ready for a trip."
If I had only known...
An Emotion-Filled Weekend
This new life of mine seems to be taking its toll.
I have not been able to sleep real well...and I've been a bit edgy this weekend. On top of that, I happened to come across some pictures of my mom....and of my dad...in better days gone by and I lost it. In private, I have spent a lot of time crying...and it just hasn't seemed to want to stop. Added to this, my daughter (the one who lives here with me) has been going through some of her own issues...and things have been tense between the two of us for several weeks. Friday night they came to a head...and, well, it added to my feelings of angst....inadequacy....failulre....etc. The usual, garden-variety things, that this gay guy faces almost daily.
Here are some of the other things I've been dealing with:
* My dad's ongoing health. The good news is his life expectancy has been increased to about 5 years....from the two months he was initially given when I came online to be his roommate.
* I came out to some coworkers. They were shocked. I did so because one of them has been accused of not being sensitive to sexual orientation issues. I intervened...and disclosed that I had never seen any evidence of this and I'm GAY!
* While I was at it, I came out to my god son. He took it well too.
* One of my most senior people that works for me was diagnosed with brain cancer in November. She had the tumor removed....and there was aggressive radiation done as followup. Scans afterward revealed two new lesions. She also has it in her lung and on her liver. Chemo is out of the question right now because she is so week....and the cancer seems to be spreading. Got word on Friday that she is being moved to a rehab hospital to gain her strength....and she is going to retire as of March 31.
* I have been trying to keep all the balls in the air at the office and doing her work...my work....and staying on top of all the other folks that work for me.
* I thought I was having a budding romance with someone I really had feeligns for....but...as usual....that has evaporated.
* My sugar levels have dropped considerably. I have lost 17 pounds and two pants sizes. We are now working on my A1C levels. The doctor explained that on this "exam" I got an A,but my average is an F....so I need to take my health more seriously....and I have been in the past few weeks.
* Trying to stay active in church....but I'm losing interest....I'm sad...maybe even depressed a bit.
* My dog appears to be suffering from DOGGIE ALZHEIMERS. I kid you not. He paces....in the middle of the night for no reason. He loses control of his bodily functions..... He's afraid of our kitchen floor for no reason....and is petrified of the regrigerator. All these things are new symptoms that seem to have happened all at once.
So, here I sit...at my laptop. I've een wide awake since 3:30 am. I signed onto my work account and got a lot of work done. My daughter just left for work.... Yesterday and today seem much better by the way. We shared a morning cup of coffee and talked about a whole host of issues.
I have had some very dear friends invite me out to dinner this weekend. Those were good. In one case, my daughter and my dad joined us. Another friend had me over for a home cooked meal. I have dinner plans tonight with another friend to catch up.
So, I guess all is not as bleak as it appeared first on Friday.
Don't worry about me...I will pull myself up by my bootstraps like I always do.
Dad is snoring....and all is right in his world.
Right now, that's what matters to me most.
I have not been able to sleep real well...and I've been a bit edgy this weekend. On top of that, I happened to come across some pictures of my mom....and of my dad...in better days gone by and I lost it. In private, I have spent a lot of time crying...and it just hasn't seemed to want to stop. Added to this, my daughter (the one who lives here with me) has been going through some of her own issues...and things have been tense between the two of us for several weeks. Friday night they came to a head...and, well, it added to my feelings of angst....inadequacy....failulre....etc. The usual, garden-variety things, that this gay guy faces almost daily.
Here are some of the other things I've been dealing with:
* My dad's ongoing health. The good news is his life expectancy has been increased to about 5 years....from the two months he was initially given when I came online to be his roommate.
* I came out to some coworkers. They were shocked. I did so because one of them has been accused of not being sensitive to sexual orientation issues. I intervened...and disclosed that I had never seen any evidence of this and I'm GAY!
* While I was at it, I came out to my god son. He took it well too.
* One of my most senior people that works for me was diagnosed with brain cancer in November. She had the tumor removed....and there was aggressive radiation done as followup. Scans afterward revealed two new lesions. She also has it in her lung and on her liver. Chemo is out of the question right now because she is so week....and the cancer seems to be spreading. Got word on Friday that she is being moved to a rehab hospital to gain her strength....and she is going to retire as of March 31.
* I have been trying to keep all the balls in the air at the office and doing her work...my work....and staying on top of all the other folks that work for me.
* I thought I was having a budding romance with someone I really had feeligns for....but...as usual....that has evaporated.
* My sugar levels have dropped considerably. I have lost 17 pounds and two pants sizes. We are now working on my A1C levels. The doctor explained that on this "exam" I got an A,but my average is an F....so I need to take my health more seriously....and I have been in the past few weeks.
* Trying to stay active in church....but I'm losing interest....I'm sad...maybe even depressed a bit.
* My dog appears to be suffering from DOGGIE ALZHEIMERS. I kid you not. He paces....in the middle of the night for no reason. He loses control of his bodily functions..... He's afraid of our kitchen floor for no reason....and is petrified of the regrigerator. All these things are new symptoms that seem to have happened all at once.
So, here I sit...at my laptop. I've een wide awake since 3:30 am. I signed onto my work account and got a lot of work done. My daughter just left for work.... Yesterday and today seem much better by the way. We shared a morning cup of coffee and talked about a whole host of issues.
I have had some very dear friends invite me out to dinner this weekend. Those were good. In one case, my daughter and my dad joined us. Another friend had me over for a home cooked meal. I have dinner plans tonight with another friend to catch up.
So, I guess all is not as bleak as it appeared first on Friday.
Don't worry about me...I will pull myself up by my bootstraps like I always do.
Dad is snoring....and all is right in his world.
Right now, that's what matters to me most.
Wednesday, March 02, 2011
Thoughts on a Late Winter Day
Dawn is just breaking over the metro area. A late winter wind is pushing debris around my backyard and making a tattle-tale moaning sound through the screens of my french doors that lead to my deck.
Dad is sleeping.
I am awaiting the arrival of his caregiver. Then I can go off to work.
Why do I feel like such a failure?
I really do feel like one.
Let's review the track record shall we:
I am not the Ward Cleever that I had wanted to be. I am 52 years old....gay...and alone. I made a poor selection of wives....I tried taking care of everyone else, but me.....and here I am. Taking care of my elderly dad...afraid he's going to run out of money.....afraid that I'm going to screw up his finances......worried that I'm going to be like him one day....afraid of the second hand smoke I spent my first 20 years breathing.....afraid of being alone for the rest of my life......afraid of dying alone.
I am working to get my finances in order. I'm still paying for the legal bills....and mess from that icky divorce. I only wish I had been more diligent of the what-ifs when I was a whole lot younger.
But, I'm just a mess this morning.
This cold, windy, late winter morning.
Dad is sleeping.
I am awaiting the arrival of his caregiver. Then I can go off to work.
Why do I feel like such a failure?
I really do feel like one.
Let's review the track record shall we:
I am not the Ward Cleever that I had wanted to be. I am 52 years old....gay...and alone. I made a poor selection of wives....I tried taking care of everyone else, but me.....and here I am. Taking care of my elderly dad...afraid he's going to run out of money.....afraid that I'm going to screw up his finances......worried that I'm going to be like him one day....afraid of the second hand smoke I spent my first 20 years breathing.....afraid of being alone for the rest of my life......afraid of dying alone.
I am working to get my finances in order. I'm still paying for the legal bills....and mess from that icky divorce. I only wish I had been more diligent of the what-ifs when I was a whole lot younger.
But, I'm just a mess this morning.
This cold, windy, late winter morning.
Monday, February 07, 2011
Whining to God
Yesterday, (Sunday), I whined at God.
Like a spoiled, self-centered child...I whined.
I felt sorry for myself. "Why me?" I silently wailed to myself. "Why do am I in the situation I currently am in? Why does my dad have to die? Why did my mom have to die? Why do any of us have to die? What am I gonna do? Am I making the right decisions...I am just so unhappy....so unsure...."
I went to the early service at a church that's not far from my house. I have become friendly with the pastor...and he has taken an interest in my situation. His sermon was entitled, "The Happiness Manifesto." In that message he talked about his partner, who he lost from AIDS in 1996. When he wondered what he was going to do when the partner died, God gently reminded him of what "we" are going to do.
Near the end of the service, the congregation sang the old hymn, "God Will Take Care of You."
I hadn't really paid attention to that old song. But yesterday I did. It hit me...I am just trying to put everything on me. I am trying to fix everything...instead of allowing God to do His thing...with me....TOGETHER.
Following that service, I had a gentle nudge to go to my own morning service. It took about a half-hour to drive there.
The ensemble at church sang the old Bill Withers song, "LEAN ON ME"....followed by a sermon on "Handle With Care." After the sermon, one of our female members came up to receive the offering. However, before she did that, she felt the Holy Spirit nudge her to sing a chorus of a song...."God Will Take Care of You."
So it felt as though in response to my whining, God hit me up the side of the head with a 2X4 to say, He would take care of me. I need to trust Him during this dark hour...and let him do His thing.
Message received.
Loud & Clear!
Monday, January 24, 2011
Watching Daddy Sleep
It's Monday.My caregiver can't be here today. Something about a green card issue.
So, even though she was prepared to have a substitute fill in for her, I told her that I would take leave and stay with him.
It's a thankless task....being with my dad during this time of illness. In the end, when all is said and done, I will have the comfort of knowing that I spent every available moment with him and trying to keep him comfortable.
As I watch him sleep...which is what he does mostly these days....I remember so much from my childhood. Dad was always a bit quirky....a control freak. He would give me a task to do...but then wind up having to do it himself because he wanted it done "right". These repeated actions really did a number on me....and left me with the feeling that I couldn't do anything. In fact, I still suffer the residual effects of all this even today.
But watching dad sleep now, makes me wonder what made him the way he was. Did his dad treat him the same way?
Daddy coughs and peers over the side of his hospital bed....making sure I'm here. His hearing aids are out....and he can't hear a thing. We make eye contact. He gives a feeble smile and then turns on his side. All is well in his world.
He complained earlier about the fact that all he wants to do is sleep now. I respond by saying, "I know." I tuck the comforter around him. The hospice people say that this is going to happen...he will sleep and sleep and sleep and slowly fade away...unless some imbalance in his body, caused by the cancer, will take him sooner.
They tell me that I shouldn't be surprised when the end comes.
But I know that when the end comes....all bets are off. I probably will be a wreck....and then I can go about the business of mourning.
For both of my parents...
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Tired and Turned Off With the Whole Gay Thing
I actually have some time to myself!
It has been way too long.
Most of the time since mother died, I have been surrounded by family members monitoring my every mood. The daughter who lives with me has commandeered my MAC...and my dad, who now lives with me, requires constant monitoring.
It feels like my life is foggy...and I spend the majority of it on autopilot: going to work....coming home.....becoming caregiver.....watching Dad's every move.....listening for him to try and get out of his hospital bed...he thinks he can get up whenever and walk wherever. He simply doesn't get it that he is no longer an independent middle-aged man. He is now a very thin....very stooped.....shell of what he once was.
And he falls.
Constantly...
You can turn away for two seconds....and bam...a thud.
It is unreal.
I never thought I would be in this position with him. Between my two parents, I had always assumed he would be the first to go. But it was my mom.
And it hurt....like hell. It still does.
But, for all the frustration....and concern.....and fatigue....and worry.....and overall caregiving....I would not take a million dollars for this time I am having with my dad.
You see, as I grew up...I knew he loved me...but we just didn't take the time to get to know one another. He had his responsibilities and in the 50s and 60s, Dads were not generally "that" close to their kids. They worked....they came home....they were in charge of the discipline..... I call it the Ward Cleaver approach.
So, in the three months that my daddy has spent with me thus far, it has been a time of growing very close to him....and listening to him. He enjoys his one-on-one time with me....and he told a guest the other night that "I've been having a good time with my son. We've gotten to say a whole lot of things we should have said a long time ago."
So, I suppose this is my time to catch up....bridge chasms....and prepare for closure with him.
BUT...
I have not discussed the gay thing with him.
That is waaaaaaaaaaaaaay off the charts in terms of trying to fill him in on all of this. The stuggles....the sadness....the gloom....the loneliness.....the agony....the ecstasy.....all parts of being gay.
And, as he deteriorates...it doesn't matter.
The one thing that does matter is that I have him now for what little time is left....and he has me.
I digress.
Sorry.
At this writing, Dad is still sleeping. He spends so much more time sleeping in a day. He only averages about 4 hours of waking time. HIs eating has slown greatly. The hospice people say that this is all to be expected. They also say that I should expect his departure at any time....and to not be surprised that when I walk out of his room and return, he could be gone....or I could wake up one morning and he be gone.
Suffice it all to say that I have a few moments to myself. My daughter is working her 2nd job today....and my dad is still sleeping. I'm in the mood to write.
And so here I am.
I am exhausted. I suppose I should talk to my grief counselor about all that is going through my head at the moment. I just don't have time to focus on me right now. The counselor calls me religiously....to check in on me....and she has said repeatedly just how difficult grieving a significant loss is...but that I am extra special because I'm gearing up for another loss...."soon."
I suppose I will deal with all that when the time comes.
I've lost interest in friends......I've lost interest in church.......I've even lost interest in the whole gay thing. Even sex!
Some of the budding relationships I thought were percolating nicely prior to October 11, all appear to have fizzled. Each of those available gay men have said one of the following: "I'm giving you space with your family." Even though I told him that I would really like to get out of the house for a meal or something. "Let's get together the next time you're in town," only for him to be totally unavailable each time I am in his town. Then to add insult to injury, he writes on Facebook that he is still pining for his first love...the one who dumped him....said very hurtful things to him.....and is an alcoholic and a total mess.
The other two men that I have been hopeful for have just dropped off the face of the earth and I never hear from them.
So, I am ready to turn in my "GAY" membership card.
I am turned off.
I am disillusioned.
AND...on top of all that..I found one of those reality shows on the LOGO network that only reinforces my disillusionment with the gay community at large.
It's called "The A-List"....a group of gay men in their 20s, 30s, and 40s....who are all into this big social whirl in NYC. They know this celebrity or that celebrity....they have this penthouse....or perform in that play....and they are into looks, wealth....and things! Why, even one of them, who might be actually likeable if he would drop all the pretense......and the bitchiness.....has a really good claim to fame as to why he is on the A-list....it's because he knows Lindsey Lohan!
God help us all.
So, here is Frank....who struggled for so long to rise out of the ashes.....definitely not on that A-list and who doesn't want to be.
I am sitting here....actually glad that I am alone....in the quiet of the morning. I can hear Dad snoring in the next room.... My writing this morning is nothing more than a stream of consciousness.....
It has been way too long.
Most of the time since mother died, I have been surrounded by family members monitoring my every mood. The daughter who lives with me has commandeered my MAC...and my dad, who now lives with me, requires constant monitoring.
It feels like my life is foggy...and I spend the majority of it on autopilot: going to work....coming home.....becoming caregiver.....watching Dad's every move.....listening for him to try and get out of his hospital bed...he thinks he can get up whenever and walk wherever. He simply doesn't get it that he is no longer an independent middle-aged man. He is now a very thin....very stooped.....shell of what he once was.
And he falls.
Constantly...
You can turn away for two seconds....and bam...a thud.
It is unreal.
I never thought I would be in this position with him. Between my two parents, I had always assumed he would be the first to go. But it was my mom.
And it hurt....like hell. It still does.
But, for all the frustration....and concern.....and fatigue....and worry.....and overall caregiving....I would not take a million dollars for this time I am having with my dad.
You see, as I grew up...I knew he loved me...but we just didn't take the time to get to know one another. He had his responsibilities and in the 50s and 60s, Dads were not generally "that" close to their kids. They worked....they came home....they were in charge of the discipline..... I call it the Ward Cleaver approach.
So, in the three months that my daddy has spent with me thus far, it has been a time of growing very close to him....and listening to him. He enjoys his one-on-one time with me....and he told a guest the other night that "I've been having a good time with my son. We've gotten to say a whole lot of things we should have said a long time ago."
So, I suppose this is my time to catch up....bridge chasms....and prepare for closure with him.
BUT...
I have not discussed the gay thing with him.
That is waaaaaaaaaaaaaay off the charts in terms of trying to fill him in on all of this. The stuggles....the sadness....the gloom....the loneliness.....the agony....the ecstasy.....all parts of being gay.
And, as he deteriorates...it doesn't matter.
The one thing that does matter is that I have him now for what little time is left....and he has me.
I digress.
Sorry.
At this writing, Dad is still sleeping. He spends so much more time sleeping in a day. He only averages about 4 hours of waking time. HIs eating has slown greatly. The hospice people say that this is all to be expected. They also say that I should expect his departure at any time....and to not be surprised that when I walk out of his room and return, he could be gone....or I could wake up one morning and he be gone.
Suffice it all to say that I have a few moments to myself. My daughter is working her 2nd job today....and my dad is still sleeping. I'm in the mood to write.
And so here I am.
I am exhausted. I suppose I should talk to my grief counselor about all that is going through my head at the moment. I just don't have time to focus on me right now. The counselor calls me religiously....to check in on me....and she has said repeatedly just how difficult grieving a significant loss is...but that I am extra special because I'm gearing up for another loss...."soon."
I suppose I will deal with all that when the time comes.
I've lost interest in friends......I've lost interest in church.......I've even lost interest in the whole gay thing. Even sex!
Some of the budding relationships I thought were percolating nicely prior to October 11, all appear to have fizzled. Each of those available gay men have said one of the following: "I'm giving you space with your family." Even though I told him that I would really like to get out of the house for a meal or something. "Let's get together the next time you're in town," only for him to be totally unavailable each time I am in his town. Then to add insult to injury, he writes on Facebook that he is still pining for his first love...the one who dumped him....said very hurtful things to him.....and is an alcoholic and a total mess.
The other two men that I have been hopeful for have just dropped off the face of the earth and I never hear from them.
So, I am ready to turn in my "GAY" membership card.
I am turned off.
I am disillusioned.
AND...on top of all that..I found one of those reality shows on the LOGO network that only reinforces my disillusionment with the gay community at large.
It's called "The A-List"....a group of gay men in their 20s, 30s, and 40s....who are all into this big social whirl in NYC. They know this celebrity or that celebrity....they have this penthouse....or perform in that play....and they are into looks, wealth....and things! Why, even one of them, who might be actually likeable if he would drop all the pretense......and the bitchiness.....has a really good claim to fame as to why he is on the A-list....it's because he knows Lindsey Lohan!
God help us all.
So, here is Frank....who struggled for so long to rise out of the ashes.....definitely not on that A-list and who doesn't want to be.
I am sitting here....actually glad that I am alone....in the quiet of the morning. I can hear Dad snoring in the next room.... My writing this morning is nothing more than a stream of consciousness.....
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Cold and Blue
Had a near miss with my daddy this weekend. Friday when I got home from the office, he was simply lifeless.
He could not walk.
He did not want to eat.
He did not want to drink.
He had a fever of 101.8.
I was a bit frightened by his sudden deterioration.
So, I spent the entire weekend looking for supositories to calm his nausea. I also had to find tylenol supositories. I finally found them at an all night CVS in Springfield VA at 3:00 Saturday morning.
And, guess who was elected to insert the supositories? Well, it certainly was not my dad.
My daughter remarked at how calm and cool I was in handling all this.
I told her that it was all just a front...and that inside I was a wreck.
Following all this, we were barraged by a parade of nurses from Hospice. Yesterday the doctor at Hospice made a house call. She diagnosed dad as suffering from bacterial pneumonia. She also said that his overall condition has deteriorated....considerably since she first visited him in November.
All told....I need to brace myself for his passing.
I am stressed.....and saddened by all this.
Why did I have to lose my parents like this?
He could not walk.
He did not want to eat.
He did not want to drink.
He had a fever of 101.8.
I was a bit frightened by his sudden deterioration.
So, I spent the entire weekend looking for supositories to calm his nausea. I also had to find tylenol supositories. I finally found them at an all night CVS in Springfield VA at 3:00 Saturday morning.
And, guess who was elected to insert the supositories? Well, it certainly was not my dad.
My daughter remarked at how calm and cool I was in handling all this.
I told her that it was all just a front...and that inside I was a wreck.
Following all this, we were barraged by a parade of nurses from Hospice. Yesterday the doctor at Hospice made a house call. She diagnosed dad as suffering from bacterial pneumonia. She also said that his overall condition has deteriorated....considerably since she first visited him in November.
All told....I need to brace myself for his passing.
I am stressed.....and saddened by all this.
Why did I have to lose my parents like this?
Sunday, January 02, 2011
A New Year Has Begun...
I cannot believe that 2010 is finally over. It was what I consider to be a very hellish year. I'm glad that 2011 can begin. I suppose I am looking for the new year to be my NEW BEGINNING.
Where do I begin to catch you up on all the things that have been going on in my life? First, my dad has officially moved in with me. It presents all new stresses and anxiety for me. My daughter, who also lives with me, is showing a side of herself that I'm not really pleased with. She is like Lovey Jr. This is perhaps due to the fact that Lovey seems to exert so much influence over her. I don't like it. But, Lovey is the mother...and I can't keep her away from her mom.
Lovey Jr. even talked this evening about buying a house and moving out. That was a surprise....and I was swallowed up with pride...and not feeling like such a good dad. You know, I spent a lot of time trying to make my house pleasing for her to live in, and apparently it isn't good enough.
Oh well.
We eeked through the Christmas holiday. On the morning of Christmas Eve, I felt really bad for myself. I found myself second guessing decisions I was forced to make for my mom while she was in the hospital...and to be honest I was haunted by them. Did I cause mom to die? Did I kill her? My daughter from Nashville sensed the anguish I was feeling and she told me to stop having a pity party. She said, "Dad, I was there with you as you made those decisions....and you made all the right ones. Why don't you focus on the blessings you have this holiday season....namely, two of your kids, your dad....and all the stuff you have."
It helped me a lot.
Then I also had a ton of guests in for Christmas. I had the assistant pastor of where Lovey Jr. goes to church. Lovey's mom and sister came by. A photographer friend came by....and then finally, LOVEY herself showed up.
It was old home week.
I just don't know what to think about it all.
The photographer then showed up on New Year's Day with a framed and matted print of a picture he took of me with my Dad. I have hung it in my dining room. It's wonderful to see.
New Years has been quiet. I didn't feel like throwing my holiday hooptido. Perhaps next year.
Spiritually I feel adrift....I don't want to go to church...I don't even want to be with friends....I am just very down.
I miss mom...it just still hurts. The pain is excruciating.
On top of all that, I have had a few nibbles on the dating front....but the men did as they normally do....they flake off.
That was a downer.
So, as you can see. I am still here...but still adrift....and down. No raises at my job thanks to President Obama.
Let the frustration....gloom and doom begin!
Where do I begin to catch you up on all the things that have been going on in my life? First, my dad has officially moved in with me. It presents all new stresses and anxiety for me. My daughter, who also lives with me, is showing a side of herself that I'm not really pleased with. She is like Lovey Jr. This is perhaps due to the fact that Lovey seems to exert so much influence over her. I don't like it. But, Lovey is the mother...and I can't keep her away from her mom.
Lovey Jr. even talked this evening about buying a house and moving out. That was a surprise....and I was swallowed up with pride...and not feeling like such a good dad. You know, I spent a lot of time trying to make my house pleasing for her to live in, and apparently it isn't good enough.
Oh well.
We eeked through the Christmas holiday. On the morning of Christmas Eve, I felt really bad for myself. I found myself second guessing decisions I was forced to make for my mom while she was in the hospital...and to be honest I was haunted by them. Did I cause mom to die? Did I kill her? My daughter from Nashville sensed the anguish I was feeling and she told me to stop having a pity party. She said, "Dad, I was there with you as you made those decisions....and you made all the right ones. Why don't you focus on the blessings you have this holiday season....namely, two of your kids, your dad....and all the stuff you have."
It helped me a lot.
Then I also had a ton of guests in for Christmas. I had the assistant pastor of where Lovey Jr. goes to church. Lovey's mom and sister came by. A photographer friend came by....and then finally, LOVEY herself showed up.
It was old home week.
I just don't know what to think about it all.
The photographer then showed up on New Year's Day with a framed and matted print of a picture he took of me with my Dad. I have hung it in my dining room. It's wonderful to see.
New Years has been quiet. I didn't feel like throwing my holiday hooptido. Perhaps next year.
Spiritually I feel adrift....I don't want to go to church...I don't even want to be with friends....I am just very down.
I miss mom...it just still hurts. The pain is excruciating.
On top of all that, I have had a few nibbles on the dating front....but the men did as they normally do....they flake off.
That was a downer.
So, as you can see. I am still here...but still adrift....and down. No raises at my job thanks to President Obama.
Let the frustration....gloom and doom begin!
Monday, November 22, 2010
New Places
Well, I have definitely arrived at a new place on my journey. Mom is gone...and now I am the primary caregive for my dad who will be 78 on January 13.
Nothing has prepared me for this role.
I find myself tearing up at the stupidest times. For instance, I was at a restaurant just now getting a quick breakfast, and wouldn't you know, they were playing Christmas carols. It's the first Christmas carols of the 2010 season. I felt this cloak of coldness and sadness envelop me like I have never experienced. Gosh, even as I write this I find myself having to brush away tears.
Dealing with all of my dad's care issues, I've not had the time to fully focus on the grieving process for mom. Coupled with the fact that I don't have that much time with dad left....I'm bobbing and weaving through life....and feeling a bit wiped out by it all.
In the midst of all this, Lovey's Aunt died tragically on November 6. Her memorial service is today. She suffered from Alzheimers but never forgot who I was. She always told me I was good looking and loved hugging me because I felt so good. She fell down a flight of stairs a Mom O'Lovey's and it really did a tremendous damage to her body. The Alzheimers made her immune to the pain...and she was just a southern lady until the very end.
So, I feel like I am living a nightmare.....two close relatives....dead in as many weeks.
I feel as though the tide of grief is gonna sweep me away...
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Reflections on My LIfe
Ok...I'm in a dark place this evening. And all of you who read this blog with any regularity know why.
So, as I sit here in my parents' home, I'm feeling VERY alone. The loss of the warmth of my mother's presence has just left this place with such a hollowness that is hard to describe.
As I have thought about all that is going on...and about the stuff that needs to be done....I wonder why this is happening now. Over the past 5 years, as I have emerged from one crisis...I find myself totally enveloped by the mist of yet another one.
Three weeks ago, I was sitting on mom and dad's front porche on a hot early fall day. Mom was feeling well...and a bit wistful.
"It's coming," she said bluntly.
We both knew what she meant.
"And it is a lot closer than either of us know."
"Are you frightened?" I asked.
"Not really," she answered quietly. "It's a new adventure. The only thing I realize is that I have never done this before and I don't know what to expect. When I have been frightened by the unknown, after whatever it was that I was afraid of was over, I looked back and realized the fears were silly! I think this is going to be the same."
"How do you feel?" I asked.
"I feel like I am divorcing my body," she answered. "It's hard to explain."
She knew and she was calm.
I looked over at her and said, "Mom...you know I have been through a whole lot of drama over the past few years right?"
"You sure have." She smiled.
"Well, when you arrive at your final destination, is there anyway you could put in a good word for me up there and ask them if they could lighten up on me some?"
"You got it," she said. "I will look in on you and see what I can do to make your life easier."
She squeezed my hand.
I squeezed back.
"I love you," I told her.
"You too!"
She smiled again.
So, as I sit here in my parents' home, I'm feeling VERY alone. The loss of the warmth of my mother's presence has just left this place with such a hollowness that is hard to describe.
As I have thought about all that is going on...and about the stuff that needs to be done....I wonder why this is happening now. Over the past 5 years, as I have emerged from one crisis...I find myself totally enveloped by the mist of yet another one.
Three weeks ago, I was sitting on mom and dad's front porche on a hot early fall day. Mom was feeling well...and a bit wistful.
"It's coming," she said bluntly.
We both knew what she meant.
"And it is a lot closer than either of us know."
"Are you frightened?" I asked.
"Not really," she answered quietly. "It's a new adventure. The only thing I realize is that I have never done this before and I don't know what to expect. When I have been frightened by the unknown, after whatever it was that I was afraid of was over, I looked back and realized the fears were silly! I think this is going to be the same."
"How do you feel?" I asked.
"I feel like I am divorcing my body," she answered. "It's hard to explain."
She knew and she was calm.
I looked over at her and said, "Mom...you know I have been through a whole lot of drama over the past few years right?"
"You sure have." She smiled.
"Well, when you arrive at your final destination, is there anyway you could put in a good word for me up there and ask them if they could lighten up on me some?"
"You got it," she said. "I will look in on you and see what I can do to make your life easier."
She squeezed my hand.
I squeezed back.
"I love you," I told her.
"You too!"
She smiled again.
Grief - 2
A friend sent me this today. I have received such comfort from my friends during this time. I'm amazed by their love....their care...and their compassion.
The Dash
by Linda Ellis
I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning to the end
He noted that first came the date of her birth
And spoke the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years
For that dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved her
Know what that little line is worth.
For it matters not how much we own;
The cars, the house, the cash,
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.
So think about this long and hard.
Are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left,
That can still be rearranged.
If we could just slow down enough
To consider what’s true and real
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.
And be less quick to anger,
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we’ve never loved before.
If we treat each other with respect,
And more often wear a smile
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.
So, when your eulogy is being read
With your life’s actions to rehash
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash?
The Dash
by Linda Ellis
I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning to the end
He noted that first came the date of her birth
And spoke the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years
For that dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved her
Know what that little line is worth.
For it matters not how much we own;
The cars, the house, the cash,
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.
So think about this long and hard.
Are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left,
That can still be rearranged.
If we could just slow down enough
To consider what’s true and real
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.
And be less quick to anger,
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we’ve never loved before.
If we treat each other with respect,
And more often wear a smile
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.
So, when your eulogy is being read
With your life’s actions to rehash
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash?
This is BAD
Perhaps this is a good thing.
I am 52 years old.
I have had plenty of drama for two lifetimes. I went through a very bad divorce...and it almost sunk me.
BUT...
Nothing ever prepared me for what I feel during this time.
Saw a grief counsellor yesterday. She says that I amd doing and behaving normally....she says that it just feels abnormal not to have mom around anymore.
This is so true.
One thing for certain...during this time of trying to be there for my dad, I also have to be there for me too. I need to take very good care of Frank during this...
A friend sent me this poem by Henry Van Dyke. In a strange way, I find tremendous comfort from it.
By Henry Van Dyke
I am 52 years old.
I have had plenty of drama for two lifetimes. I went through a very bad divorce...and it almost sunk me.
BUT...
Nothing ever prepared me for what I feel during this time.
Saw a grief counsellor yesterday. She says that I amd doing and behaving normally....she says that it just feels abnormal not to have mom around anymore.
This is so true.
One thing for certain...during this time of trying to be there for my dad, I also have to be there for me too. I need to take very good care of Frank during this...
A friend sent me this poem by Henry Van Dyke. In a strange way, I find tremendous comfort from it.
By Henry Van Dyke
"I am standing at the seashore. A Ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. I stand and watch her until she hangs like a speck of white cloud, just where the sea and the sky come to mingle with each other. And just at that moment, when someone at my side says,
"There she is gone!";
there are other eyes watching her comig, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout:
"There she comes!"
And that is dying."
Sunday, October 17, 2010
GRIEF
It's now the early hours of Monday. Later on today, my mother will have been gone from me for 7 full days.
My daughters have returned home.....Lovey has returned to her churches. I am still in Huntington, WV with my dad and my son.
I have been so focused on the planning of the memorial service and the cremation....and my kids....and my dad....that I have neglected myself. This is really nothing new. I have basically done this all my adult life.
BUT...
As I was taking a much needed breather to join some church friends at a bowling event tonight here....it began to settle upon me. The pain began to envelop me like high tide.
I miss my mom.
Terribly.
And, there is nothing I can do about it!
My daughters have returned home.....Lovey has returned to her churches. I am still in Huntington, WV with my dad and my son.
I have been so focused on the planning of the memorial service and the cremation....and my kids....and my dad....that I have neglected myself. This is really nothing new. I have basically done this all my adult life.
BUT...
As I was taking a much needed breather to join some church friends at a bowling event tonight here....it began to settle upon me. The pain began to envelop me like high tide.
I miss my mom.
Terribly.
And, there is nothing I can do about it!
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