Aftermath

Part of writing this blog was an agreement with myself to always be honest…warts and all. So, that’s the kind of post this entry is going to be. Honest. Brutally so.

I have now returned from my trip.

I spent 3 days at a resort, in the middle of the desert. It was so very quiet…I was able to spend some special alone time that I don’t’ get to do much of. It was good to just meditate…ponder my life….and to decompress….to wander the desert….to experience the heat….the desolation of it all.

I wish I could say that I was strong upon my return and glided happily through coming home to an empty house. But, I can’t.

When I awoke yesterday in New Mexico…a sense of dread began to gnaw at me. As I made my way to the airport…on the plane….during the layover…..on the next plane…it was like dark clouds gathering on the horizon…with occasional flickers of lightning and the sound of the distant rumbling of thunder.

The closer I got to my destination…the sadder I became. The closer those storm clouds became. The thunderheads grew.

I kept telling myself, “Frank, you can do this. It will be okay.”

We pulled into my driveway. There was my front door. My gut ached.

Time to face the demon…head-on.

#1 threw open the door and gave me a big hug of welcome….and Davy Dawg (my cocker spaniel) was glad to see me…his tail wagging feverishly with delight. And there I stood. In the middle of my empty house.

Waves of sadness began to overtake me and I could feel the sting of tears welling up in my eyes. I walked from room-to-room…looking….silently….. #1 was chirping on about her adventures while I was away to Zack. I didn’t hear a word they were saying.

Someone said something about a “new beginning…” But I was in another world…numb….overcome with emotion….with sadness…..and those old familiar feelings of failure. Of things that could have been….of things that never were…..of things never to be…..

Except for the few little piles of dirt and other debris from the movers, the rooms were stripped bare. It was overwhelming in a sense. I have to start all over. I have to begin things anew. New furniture……organizing….throwing away…..selling stuff I no longer want or need.

I ran the vacuum…..and swept away the debris. Things are looking a little better.

I’m tired. I sit down on the floor and slump against the wall.

“I’m afraid of the future,” I say aloud. I feel like I’m in my own private desert. My own private desolation….my own private heat.

#1 comes over and sits down next to me….as close as is humanly possible. She puts her head on my shoulder.

“I know Dad. I know.”